Boo Mayhew

Dusky, thanks for sharing the link. I wish you strength and happy memories for this day.

Jeanne, I am not at all proud to admit that I harbour similar feelings of resentment toward my neighbour who is an alcoholic and is in recovery right now. Sometimes I feel like screaming at her for her selfishness and how badly she has hurt her husband and kids, how scared they were when she almost died recently. When she got drunk recently I didn't even trust myself to speak to her, so I didn't. Then I remember that I am priveleged ... that my parents and Cliff gave me a very strong foundation on which to build along this scarey journey ... and she is not blessed with the same gift. We are all different and some of us are stronger than others. But I know exactly what you are saying. Thank goodness we have this board to sound off in!

Laurie, welcome to this Board. You will find love and support and understanding here, as well as a safe environment. It has been a life-saver for me ... you may like to start a new topic so that everyone can respond to you. I am so sorry for your huge loss.

Kathy I think we may be in a similar place right now and all I have the strength to do is to send you my love. I had a similar dream a while back and woke up so distraught, it was awful. That said, I would equally hate it if I didn't ever dream of him. I know how much you miss Stephen and wish I could take the hurt away but I can't my friend. Hugs xx

Mary Linda, I am so so terribly sorry that you have lost your dog ... I know how badly I took our beautiful rottweiler (Hammer) dying of old age. And cannot imagine having to go through that now. Of course it has brought all the old feelings back. Your babe was a connection to your old life and grief is cumulative, so you will feel this badly. The only nice thing I can think of is that they are together somewhere, but of course that won't stop you hurting ... again, sending you huge hug and sorry xx

hello everyone I am back online ... have had a very dark bad week but trying hard to get back on track. I thank you all and love you for all your help and encouragement. Waiting for the meds and hopefully they will help a little. I didn't think it was possible to hurt more but I do. And I know that you all do too. Right now I am holding onto the fact that even though he is no longer here, I WILL be with him again someday and his love is still here with me even though he isn't physically. I was incredibly blessed to be loved by him and I will never let go of that. xx

thank you all for your love and caring words. I really needed to hear from you all and get some reassurance. Today went to see psychiatrist and he has referred me back for counselling which is great news. He also said that I definitely need anti-depressants and has promised me that the meds will not delay the grieving process (which I was worried about) ... so between this board, writing my blog, the meds and my counselling (plus going back to psychiatrist every 3 months for next 9 months) I have great support and I have the will to get through this as hard as it is. thank you all again for your caring and help ... especially when it means it hurts you to have to revisit and open old wounds ... I simply can't thank you enough. xx

Jeanne I am in that position right now with my house. It is almost finished structurally but the garden is bad and when the new kitchen is done, the roof is finished, the driveway sorted, and a few other bits, the flooring and decorating will have to be done. I am very lucky and all his friends are also in construction and will help to do this. I only have to ask. Cliff's brother came up last night and did some electrical work ... I was a mess after he left prob because they had had to move some stuff and his tools and it wasn't him doing it ... I don't know. The house is livable and I don't mind that ... it is coping with my head and heart that is freaking me out right now. thanks so much for taking the time to reply and also for reassuring me that I can do that kind of stuff. You should be proud that you have accomplished what you have. xx

Thanks Wendy for telling me the truth You can deal with the truth, but you can't deal with the unknown. Like you, I know that I will always hurt and always miss him. It's just that right now it's all I can feel and do. It has made me slow at work (but that's okay because they are really good to me here). I know that I have to go on and I will but I'd rather not be here, I want to be with him. I cannot believe just how tough this is. I'm only glad about one thing, that it's me going through it (that I didn't die first) because I love him too much for him to have to go through this - it's too much and it's cruel. Right now I just need to get through the next hour so that I can get home and have a good crying session. Yep, I think this is reality. Thanks for your hugs and for caring. xx

Hello everyone it will be 5 months tomorrow that Cliff had his stroke, and it's hard to believe that I've survived it really. I seem to have stopped bouncing around between anger, guilt, denial, bargaining, numbness and hysteria and reached a different place on this journey ... is this acceptance? I think it might be. Although I seem to have more inner peace (because I am not flitting between the above states of mind from one second to the next) I actually feel more sad and it is hurting even more (which I didn't think was humanly possible). I really need some help from especially the "oldies" on the board ... how long does this stage last? I know that we all go through this at different rates and in different ways, but if I can make a guesstimate that will help me to cope better. Almost like having light at the end of the tunnel ... otherwise I'm not convinced I can do this. I have to have hope and am feeling a bit panicky and completely defeated right now. Am going to psychiatrist tomorrow so that he can refer me back to my counsellor. I had 4 sessions free with EAR/EAP, but now my private health insurance (through work) has to pay, and to do that I have to be referred by a professional. I am missing my counselling sessions too so looking forward to that. This hurts too much and I feel like I am going to freak out, help please! xx

Hi Joanna we have been keeping in touch separately, but I am so glad that you found your password and got back onto the board. It is good to see your name up there again!!! The memorial space you have for Denny is just wonderful. His co-worker and the owner of the place sound like lovely people too. I have to tell you that I think you are a very strong and brave person ... I cannot imagine the shock of finding out the way you did. I find that grief can make me quite selfish, and this board ... reading other's experiences ... grounds me again. Welcome back hun xx

Yolanda this is an inspiring story and I am so glad that you have written a blog so that others can share it. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, but I do know that you will be reunited again one day. Unfortunately where I work, they have blocked MySpace and Facebook so I can't see the photos of your little warrior princess, but I don't really need to ... your love spills out of your words and I can almost imagine her somehow, which is VERY strange, but I have learned not to question stuff anymore! I think you are an inspiration too.

Hi Yousha I can see that you're online at the moment ... it sounds like you've been carrying a lot of guilt with you for ten years. I know that it is a natural part of the grieving process or journey. But I wonder if 10 years of guilt is bearable? Have you considered counselling? I have and it has helped me enormously. I'm sorry that you are going through this heartache.

Deborah, I'm sorry that you are scared. I wish that I wasn't scared so much too (of thunder, or lightning, of the wind at night, of weirdo's) ... it's bad enough hurting, but being scared on top is too much. I remember my Mom crying when I moved out ... so you will have those feelings as well as the sadness of being alone. Actually you won't be alone as you have your two dogs (same as me!) ... and I have to say that sometimes I need the solitude so I can gather my thoughts and cry as hard as I need to. But I understand what you are saying. Do you work? If so, how about putting up an advertisement there for a boarder (so that they won't be a stranger and you know that you are safe, and so is your house)? Am guessing that you don't want to leave your home because it is the home you shared with Larry? Let us know how you get on xx

Elizabeth, I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful rottweiler (Hammer) 3 years ago and my husband and I mourned him as though we had lost a child. Don't let anyone demean this because "it's just a dog" - but be warned, not everyone understands. I have pasted below a piece from NOVA which I feel may help you. It saved me! When I lost my darling husband in January this year, my best friend from school emailed it to me (and she had found it helpful when she lost her two year old son back in 2000). Please read through it and know this ... you are not losing your sanity xx Stress and Trauma Your Day-to-Day Life Individuals exist in a normal state of "equilibrium" or balance. That emotional balance involves everyday stress, both positive and negative - like being late to work, getting a promotion, having a flat tire, getting ready for a date, or putting the children to bed. Occasionally, stress will be severe enough to move an individual out of his or her normal state of equilibrium, and into a state of depression or anxiety, as examples. But most people most of the time stay in a familiar range of equilibrium. When Trauma Occurs Trauma throws people so far out of their range of equilibrium that it is difficult for them to restore a sense of balance in life. Both "acute" and "chronic" trauma may be precipitated by stress: 1. Acute stress is usually caused by a sudden, arbitrary, often random event. 2. Chronic stress is one that occurs over and over again - each time pushing the individual toward the edge of his state of equilibrium, or beyond. Trauma can come from acute, unexpected stressors such as violent crime, natural disasters, accidents or acts of war. But it can also be caused by quite predictable stressors such as the chronic abuse of a child, spouse or elder. The Crisis Reaction The normal human response to trauma follows a similar pattern called the crisis reaction. It occurs in all of us. Physical Response The physical response to trauma is based on our animal instincts. It includes: 1. Physical shock, disorientation, immobilization and numbness: "Frozen Fright." 2. "Fight-or-Flight" reaction (when the body begins to mobilize): · Adrenaline begins to pump through the body: heart beat increases, perspiration starts, hyperventilation and hyper-alertness · Increased sensory perception 3. Exhaustion: physical arousal associated with fight-or-flight cannot be prolonged indefinitely. Eventually, it will result in exhaustion. Emotional Reaction Our emotional reactions are heightened by our physical responses. 1. Shock, disbelief, denial accompanies by regression 2. Cataclysm of emotions · anger, rage or outrage · fear, terror or horror · confusion and frustration · guilt or self-blame · shame and humiliation · grief and sorrow 3. Reconstruction of equilibrium - emotional roller-coaster that eventually becomes balanced, but never goes back to what it was before the crisis - a new sense of equilibrium will be developed Trauma and Loss Trauma is accompanied by a multitude of losses: 1. Loss of control over one's life 2. Loss of faith in one's God or other people 3. Loss of a sense of fairness or justice 4. Loss of personally-significant property, self or loved ones 5. Loss of a sense of immortality and invulnerability 6. Loss of future Because of the losses, trauma response involves grief and bereavement. One can grieve over the loss of loved things as well as loved people. Trauma and Regression Trauma is often accompanied by regression - mentally and physically. 1. Individuals may do things that seem childish later. Examples include: · Singing nursery rhymes · Assuming a fetal position or crawling instead of walking · Calling a law enforcement officer or other authority figure "mommy" or "daddy" – or at least thinking of them that way · 2. Individuals may feel childish. Examples include: · Feeling "little" · Wanting "mommy" or "daddy" to come and take care of you · Feeling "weak" · Feeling like you did when you were a child and something went terribly wrong Recovery from Immediate Trauma Many people live through a trauma and are able to reconstruct their lives without outside help. Most people find some type of benign outside intervention useful in dealing with trauma. Recovery from immediate trauma is often affected by: 1. Severity of crisis reaction 2. Ability to understand what happened 3. Stability of victim's/survivor's equilibrium after event 4. Supportive environment 5. Validation of experience Reconstruction issues for survivors include: 1. Getting control of the event in the victim's/survivor's mind 2. Working out an understanding of the event and, as needed, a redefinition of values 3. Re-establishing a new equilibrium/life 4. Re-establishing trust 5. Re-establishing a future 6. Re-establishing meaning Long-Term Crisis Reactions Not all victims/survivors suffer from long-term stress reactions. Many victims continue to re-experience crisis reactions over long periods of time. Such crisis reactions are normally in response to "trigger events" that remind the victim of the trauma. "Trigger events" will vary with different victims/survivors, but may include: Sensing (seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, tasting) something similar to something that one was acutely aware of during the trauma "Remembrance dates" of the eventHolidays or significant "life events"News reports about a similar eventWhen recounting one’s story (e.g. to a therapist, social worker or judge) Long-term stress or crisis reactions may be made better or worse by the actions of others. When such reactions are sensed to be negative (whether or not they were intentional), the actions of others are called the "second assault" and the feelings are often described as a "second injury." Sources of the second assault may include: · the criminal or civil justice system · the media · family, friends, acquaintances · health and mental health professionals · social service workers · clergy The intensity of long-term stress reactions usually decreases over time, as does the frequency of the re-experienced crisis. However, the effects of a catastrophic trauma cannot be "cured." Even survivors of trauma who reconstruct new lives and who have achieved a degree of normality and happiness in their lives - and who can honestly say they prefer the new, "sadder-but-wiser" person they have become - will find that new life events will trigger the memories and reactions to the trauma in the future. Long-Term Traumatic Stress Reaction When someone survives a catastrophe, they often experience stress reactions for years. Long-term stress reactions are natural responses of people who have survived a traumatic event. Long-term stress reactions are most often a result of imprinted sensory perceptions and reactions in the brain and body. The most common types of long-term stress reactions include: 1. Re-experiencing the event both psychologically and with physiological reactivity. Intrusive thoughtsNightmares and distressing dreamsFlashbacks 2. Numbing, avoidance, and isolation avoidance of thoughts or activities that remind one of the eventavoidance of previous habits or pleasurable activities that the individual engaged in before the event estrangement and isolationreduced affect or feelings of "emotional anesthesia"partial amnesiaa sense of foreshortened future 3. Behavioral arousal inability to concentrateinsomnia or interrupted sleep patternsflashes of anger or irritabilitystartle reactions or hyper alertness It is not important to know all the symptoms for the stress reactions mentioned above. If you become concerned about your reactions or how long they last, it is useful to talk to a mental health professional who is a specialist in working with people who have experienced traumatic events. © 2002 National Organization for Victim Assistance, Washington, D.C., USA.

Hello Nanny I am so sorry for your tragic loss. I am also glad that Kelby has you to love her, and her you. Please do keep posting here, because I think that this Forum has helped me more than anything else. It is a safe environment and the people here are wonderful, warm and giving. x

Hi Karen I don't think you've posted for a while - how are you doing? Please come back and talk to us xx

Marty, I am honoured. Hugs, Boo x

Hey Mel I'd concur that Sundays are probably my worst day too. Why? Not sure! Perhaps because it was a day when I always cooked a big roast dinner for us, and we'd take time out together ... time for cuddles, chats, lazy mornings. All the house chores would have been done and my laptop would have been shut down too. I had a very low day yesterday too. And am at the 5 month anniversary this Friday. Was also relieved to get back to work today! Take care of yourself Mel and keep posting here. xx

It is strange, but we are in a strange, if not brave new world ... and I think that's all we can ask of ourselves right now. Nothing more, nothing less. Occasionally we may act like the Mavericks that we really are (or were) and do things like drive across the USA or Europe ... and other times we need to just do what we HAVE to do to survive this. I guess we need to find ourselves again. I feel as though I have been shattered into a million fragments and need to put myself back together again (bit like Humpty Dumpty ) Thank you for being my inspiration to make the trip though, Mel. It was very important to me to prove to myself that I CAN do stuff like that EVEN without Cliff. Seriously, thank you xx

Hey Mel Am happy to hear that you got home safe. I just wanted to tell you that you inspired me to drive to Denmark and back to the UK again. When I got home, I had a real bad time if I'm honest ... the downstairs lights weren't working and it just compounded the fact that Cliff wasn't there. I felt lost again and although I missed having the company of his family (whilst on the trip in Denmark) I also needed solitude so that I could let go and let it all out properly. I guess it sounds like that's what you are doing too at the moment. I'm sorry hun. There's nothing we can do to take this awful hurt away from you but we can be here for you and we are. Take care of yourself. Slowly slowly, one day and one step at a time. Let it out for a couple of weeks and good luck with the job hunting when you start that. Kiss to Rascal xx

I'm back! Feeling very proud of myself for driving all the way there and back. I know he is proud of me too It was hard to get through the wedding vows and then Esther (Cliff's niece - the Bride) came over to cuddle me and checked I was OK ... which made it even harder, although I love her for it. I had to escape to the toilet during the dinner and hold myself and stroke my own hair to get it together ... then had to run outside because Robbie Williams' Angels (which I used to sing to Cliff) came on and I nearly lost it big style, but wobbled back . We had a good week all together and it was hard to say bye to them all and come home, but it was also a relief to get back to my dogs and have a good sobbing session (as cried quietly in the shower every day and it wasn't enough of a pressure outlet!) I will put some pix on my blog over the next couple of days ... there is a funny one of me dressed as a Viking (at a museum) which I will include

For once I have very few words ... what a great post. x

Cliff and I were going to retire when I hit the big 50 (in 5 years) and we were going to cash in some collateral on the house and live half the year in Spain (buy a small villa there). Where we got married in Jamaica, each night they left you a "Though/Wish for the day" ... one was, "May you grow old on one pillow" - it's an old Armenian saying. Since then I have written that in every Wedding card that I have sent and still will, even though we didn't get to do that. I wish that we had ...

Mary Linda, that is perfect advice. Leeann, I went cold when I read that you were pulling away ... god knows I torture myself enough about nasty things I said years, months ago, stuff I didn't do ... please don't add another thing to your guilt list!!!! Live for today, love as if there is no tomorrow. We should all do this whatever ... and then we wish we had. xx