Boo Mayhew

Kay, you are so right about the empathy that this experience teaches us. I think I was good at sympathy before and giving support. But this is completely different. And another thing, it has made me think before I speak (MOST of the time). I felt like I had to have a huge cry afterwards and to ensure I did, I watched, "P.S. I love you". That worked!!!! It's a great film to watch, but I'd only recommend it if you WANT to have a HUGE cry! It was like a tsunami coming over me, but I so needed it. Don't get me wrong, I cry all the time. This was a BIG cry. If you haven't heard of it, here's some info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431308/

Thanks Leeann, I will try that! It never occurred to me to do that at all, so that's great advice ... I may still look on eBay for a bee-keeper's outfit tho (not joking). It doesn't matter that our losses are different. Your loss means you hurt. That's the same.

Welcome Carah I'm very sorry for your loss. You've had some replies already so I'd just add that it's natural for you to feel scared to go to bed. After a while you may find comfort from your shared bed ... I do now, but initially for the first four weeks I had to sleep with my sister-in-law or my friend. Now I sleep with my two dogs in our bed. I too have many reminders of Cliff who died on January 6th. Someone suggested boxing your husband's collection up and I think that's a great idea if you are okay to do that ... I know that when I joined this forum one of the "oldies" advised me not to get rid of anything in the early days, and I am so grateful for that advice. I haven't got rid of anything and almost four months on, am very very pleased that I didn't. But we are all different, and of course, you must do what is right for you. I just don't want you to do anything now that you will regret later, which is why I really liked the "Boxing up" idea so much. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Dusky thank you very very much for your help. I have just looked at your website and think it is wonderful. I especially liked the way you even thought to include the recipe and poetry, as well as songs. Plus you had a memorial page for your dog and that really spoke volumes to me about what a lovely man you are. I know I shouldn't measure a person by how much he cares for his dog but I can't help it! I'm sorry you lost your love and am sure that even though it was 4 years ago the wounds can seem raw to you even today. I lost my darling Cliff 4 months ago and am struggling at the moment, but trying very hard to be brave and make him proud of me. thanks again Dusky, it is a lovely thing to give us. xxx

Hey Phyllis thanks for what you wrote - it helps me. I have emailed my sister ... I know she didn't do it on purpose. I wish we all lived near each other - it'd be lovely to all get together one evening a week and have a laugh, but it's a long way to come for a coffee or a glass of wine Well done for doing some weeding ... I need to weed where our Rottweiler (Hammer) is buried because it's all overgrown ... I'd like to grow some sweetpeas there because they smell so lovely. But I am so terrified of spiders that Cliff always did that stuff. I'd like to find a ghostbusters style space suit that's hermetically sealed so that they can't get on me thanks xxxx

I just read an amazing book called "Crooked Angels" and it is a true story. It's very relevant to this topic so you may be interested to read it too. Basically what I learned from this book is that everything you experience in life is reflected in your body somewhere ... from a wrinkle to a broken bone. http://www.amazon.com/Crooked-Angels-Carol...205&sr=8-10 Here is the Review 'This is the beginning of the story told in my body. I go to bed as the woman I am: an author, playwright, journalist, lecturer. I have friends, a house, health. I play the piano, play tennis, swim, dance, hold parties. By the time I wake up in the morning, this description of my life isn't true any more.' This is an unconventional detective story - starting with the nightmare scenario of a woman who wakes up one morning to discover that her body no longer works and that there appears to be nobody who can provide either a diagnosis or a cure. Until one day an osteopath tell her there is an emotional component to her body's pain. 'It is suffering for something in the past.' Buried in her own childhood, and in the pasts of her parents and grandparents, the author discovers and pieces together a chronology of covert damage, incidents that have combined and snowballed to produce these symptoms in herself so many years later. And she discovers that by finding and facing these elements of trauma, she can outface the physical symptoms, and return to physical fitness - not to her old self, but rather to a new and better-understood self, one that has come to terms with its confusions and dissatisfactions. Some readers may consider the author's intricate detailing of pains unduly solipsistic, and similarly her complete certainty that the bodily damage originated principally in her relatives' insensitivity, rather than in any more physical cause. However, this book will appeal to anyone who understands the inevitability of the path from actions and occurrences in the past to the actualities of today. (Kirkus UK)

Hi my friends I'm really struggling right now. I think I know why, apart from the fact that I miss Cliff so so much, there are other factors: 1. My best friend is in Thailand for 3 weeks, so my "security blanket" is away 2. My auntie has been put in a care home (she is almost 90) and she is miles away, and she is also my godmother, so feel sad because I think she may be on her way out. 3. My birthday is on the 4th May and I am DREADING it. After my Mom, then my Dad died, the next birthday was awful. Cliff held me for 4 or 5 hours. We just stood there while I cried it out of me till I was exhausted ... and now it's going to be even worse, but no one will hold me for that long like he did. No one will ever look after me or love me like he did. And I don't want them to either. Because they are not him. 4. My sister said that she would arrange with my nephew and niece for us to spend my birthday together. This morning I got an email from her asking what I was doing on the day. WHAT?????? I told her that I thought she was sorting something out, so we'll see. I hope she does. 5. My neighbour has a drink problem. She is 36 and they had to get an ambulance for her on Friday because she hadn't eaten for 3 weeks. She's now incontinent and her kidneys and liver are very very bad. They had to give her 5 pints of blood and she didn't even recognize her husband. It's heartbreaking. So of course I insisted on driving Paul and their daughters to the hospital because he was distressed and shouldn't drive like that. I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS IN THE SAME WARD THAT CLIFF DIED IN. OMG, when they went into the isolation room on the ward that Peggy is in ... I started shaking, really shaking, so that it was visible to other people. So much so, that a nurse asked me if I was ok. I told her that I hadn't eaten and would get a Mars Bar because I couldn't tell her the truth because I had to keep it together so that I could drive home. I've now realized that she probably thought I had a drink problem too. LOL. That evening I felt so ill and had to go to bed early, but woke up feeling okay physically. It's left me feeling shaken up though. 6. It's almost been 4 months. I still don't want to be here and I still want to be with him BUT am learning how to function whilst feeling this way. But it hurts so much ... too much. xx

Hello Joanna I'm so relieved that you have a good friend to help you and also that you managed to get some sleep. I think that initially the adrenaline keeps you going and you just keep thinking and thinking, to try to make some sense of the trauma that you have been through. I know it's disgusting but I am finally going to change the bedsheets tonight (it's been almost 4 months!) and I know that this will be upsetting, but hey, I've got to do it ... just wanted to add that I have had a bath or shower every day before bed, so they weren't dirty BUT couldn't face removing his scent. Like you, I keep one of his pillows under the duvet next to me and it helps. As for doing the laundry, I kept Cliff's unwashed clothes and put them in plastic (to retain the smell) and I ration myself to an item each fortnight so that I can smell him. Well done for managing to eat a piece of toast. One day and one step at a time. I like the analogy of being like a foal because I definitely feel like that. But each time I manage to accomplish something I do feel proud of myself and know that he is proud of me too. Some days this foal gets up and runs, and other days she gets up and stumbles. Really glad that you too can motivate yourself by making Denny proud of you. Sometimes that is the one thing that keeps me going, so I don't sit on the couch and into that deep dark place. In one of your posts you mentioned a Harley. Do you have one? Wow, I don't think I'd be capable of riding a bike! (Not even a bicycle these days!!!) All is NOT lost of Denny hun, just because you cannot see him doesn't mean that he is not there. And of course you will carry him in your heart too. You may like this story. I love it and it gives me comfort. It was written to explain death to children, which is probably why I relate well to it https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/Belovedheart...4169637500.aspx Hope you have a strong day today. Get on that Harley ... but not too fast xxx

Hi Lucia and Kathy we are all on a similar timeframe I think. I know that I spent most of the past three days sobbing for Cliff. I feel the same way ... I don't want to be here anymore, I just want to be with him. But of course, as my counsellor says, "you have to be patient ... when it's your time, you will see him again" (she clearly realizes this is not one of my strong points). Also it's my birthday on May 4th and my sister was supposed to be speaking to my nephew and niece about us all being together. But I got an email from her today asking me what I'm doing on my birthday. Jeez. I really need to be with them on the day so I hope they pull through. My neighbour has a drink problem and is really ill now. She is in hospital and of course I wanted to lend my support to her husband and daughters so insisted that I drive them over so they could see her, and followed them to the ward. And it was the same ward that Cliff died in. I was visibly shaking so badly that one of the nurses came to ask me if I was ok. I told her that I probably needed a Mars Bar / sugar-fix because I didn't dare say the words otherwise I would have broken! I've now realized she probably thought that I had a drink problem too - hahahaha. Feel bit better now I have offloaded Thinking of both of you, stay in touch. We'll get through this together xx

Dear Terre I am so sorry for your loss. It's early days for you at the moment, so for now, it's enough to ensure that you sleep and eat (even if it's children's portions). I know exactly what you mean about the silence. It sounds loud, doesn't it? I really am sorry that this has happened, but I am glad that you found this Forum, because it has REALLY helped me. So keep posting, okay?!!

Notcoping, I am FULL of admiration for you. So brave ... well done - you are an inspiration to me xx

apologies, didn't mean to mislead. I'm amazed at your commitment and thank you for it xxxx

I think that we will all will or we all have aged far more than we ought to have because of grief, but that said, still think you are a beautiful person.

Congratulations on the birth of your precious Granddaughter. Yiany and your Mom will be looking over her too. x

Talia my counsellor told me that it is perfectly normal to feel like you want to be with him, so please don't feel like you are losing your sanity or anything like that because you are not, it's only natural that you will have these strong feelings. I know I did and still do at times. But it's like a passive thing. I wanted it to happen TO me magically, rather than me do anything to make it happen. As you say, you have your baby to look after. But don't feel bad about having the feelings okay? I really liked the suggestion about the Wii Fit meditating with a candle and might treat myself to that - it sounds good. Let us know if you try that because I'd be interested to know it it helps you. Sending you love x

Hey you thanks for sharing your blog. He has the KINDEST face doesn't he? And yet is very much a man if you know what I mean! Reminds me of someone I knew VERY WELL ;-) I do think that Bob knows that you are being brave and making this trip. In fact, I am wondering if he prepared you for it? Rascal looks like the right name for your dog that's for sure. I'm so glad you have taken him with you, but get a feeling that "wild horses" wouldn't have stopped you. Well done on this journey, I have tears in my eyes when I say that I am proud of you. Reckon we all are xxx

Kay, I don't know what you used to look like so I don't know if you are being too harsh on yourself. It's funny because I have always looked "good for my age" but I found myself thinking the other day that I wouldn't be surprised to see myself aging rapidly over the next couple of years. What I will say though is that I personally think that yourself and mlg, as well as marsha and a few others have been my shining lights since I came on this Forum. You are always calm and patient (outwardly at least ) and give really good advice. It is amazing that you can go through what you go through and still give ... because you really do whether you realize it or not. You give so much to me and to everyone that joins this board. You help us find our feet, you help us have the courage to keep posting initially, you share your own pain and manage to give SENSIBLE advice, so that the Board is safe because Marty couldn't possibly find the time to check every post all day long. I agree - you are beautiful. And you know what, if you are beautiful inside, you are outside, even if you look older. And who cares? No-one's going to see me naked anyhow. Hugs and xxx

I'm really glad that your post has been moved to our area of the forum because as Kay says, marriage starts with the heart, not a piece of paper. Firstly, I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. Your partner was even younger than my husband (he was 52 when he died). There are quite a few of us on here who have lost husbands "prematurely" if there is such a thing. You've already been given some advice, but I just wanted to say welcome to the board/forum. We are all here for you and for each other. Please stay with it, because it has helped me beyond imagination. Sending you love and strength for today x

Morning Joanne I hope you finally did get off to sleep. When you posted this I was just waking up to come to work (with the time difference). I think it is human nature to take things for granted and this is something that we all struggle with. Guilt is my worst demon. It rears its ugly head less often now than it did in the very early days (where you are now). Of course we will never take stuff for granted again because we have learned the ultimate lesson, but that does nothing to lessen our guilt for now. I do know that after TIME it will slacken off because other widows have told me this. I believe that Denny and Cliff and all of our husbands and wives ABSOLUTELY KNOW just how much we love them now. Hand on heart, I truly believe that, I promise you. Of course you are not coping as well as the rest of the family. He was your love ... you saw him everyday. They mourn for him without doubt, and I know that we should never compare our grief to another person's, however I will say, that losing a spouse/partner means that you are impacted FAR FAR MORE. The first time you go out is tough, I know. Ensure you know exactly what you need and exactly where you need to go. Ask someone to go with you if possible. In the very first days I felt as though I would not get through it, but you do. You SLOWLY overcome each small obstacle (e.g. going out to fetch milk) and gradually find that instead of living 5 minutes at a time, you are taking a day at a time. I haven't progressed beyond that really, but it's still progress. The other thing that helps me is for me to do stuff to make him proud of me because I know that he is watching what I get up to. Also, WE ARE WITH YOU ON THIS JOURNEY AND WE UNDERSTAND TOO. Try to get some sleep. Initially it helps if someone can hold your hand until you drift off. Can you ask a girlfriend over to stay? Try to eat half a slice of buttered toast. I know you think you will be sick, but you probably won't be. Try to think about how he'll worry about you otherwise, because I honestly believe that he is around watching and worrying, okay? Sending you a massive hug across the ocean, xx

Good luck with the baby tomorrow. I have prayed that he or she will arrive safely. You need to check the last post because Marty has lit a candle for you from all of us. Boo x

Teny, I have just said a prayer for you and your Mom and Yiany, as well as the new baby, which I hope will bring much joy to your family's lives. Happy Birthday to Yiany. Big hug Boo

I know it's ridiculous, but I have put a reminder in my calendar to say a prayer for you two on the 26th, because I can't trust myself to remember otherwise. You are doing so so well. Take it at your pace. Eat well (listen to me. I am NOT your mother!!) Big hugs Boo xx

I'd be honoured for you to add me as a friend. Thank you. I have to leave work now and catch my bus home, so can't write a lot right now. Please don't listen to people saying nasty stuff to you. Just hold on to the love that you two have. Just because the person has gone doesn't mean the love has gone too. It hasn't. Big hug. EAT A LITTLE AND SLEEP xx

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine finding out the way that you did, how awful for you. Please do keep posting here. I can promise you that it does help because you can offload in a safe environment, plus you know that everyone here actually does know how you feel. Try to eat and sleep, for now that is enough.

Hi Lucia it's not surprising that you are having a panic attack when you leave the house. I can totally relate to that. Don't let anyone push you into doing anything too quickly or soon. Do things in your own time. One day at a time. My thoughts are with you.