valley

Dear Wendy, My love goes out to you and your family. I will carry you in my heart. Valley

Kay, What you have said (written) has given me some happiness at goals worth shooting for. Saying that you are healthy, happy and doing well is something I have not felt in a long time but I know it is a place I need to return to. My goal. My personal goal. For me it is so hard to separate "me" from "us". I have not developed the "observing eye" but believe that would be healing. Thank you for all you have shared. So much, Valley

I am thinking of you today Em. Take care of yourself. Valley

P.S. Marsha, I think it is quite wonderful when you say, "I never thought finding myself again would be such a work in progess". I find this inspirational!!!!! Because, I doubt my decisons all the time and lots of the time I avoid a decision. I need to move forward and move my furniture around too. I suppose it means taking some chances and realizing also that there is no one right way to do things and what the heck if I do make the wrong decision. Enjoy the clouds. Valley

Marsha and Mary, I am lonely without my Tom. In a million ways. Being alone though is not necessarily lonely. What I mean is, Tom and I could drive to Vancouver, a 9 hour drive, and only talk now and then. Sometimes it would bug me as he pulled into his head. Sometimes I would say, "what are you thinking"? just to get some conversation going. But now.....I have friends that I go out with and they NEVER stop talking. There is not one moment when conversation lags and I find myself coming home exhausted. I yearn for Tom and our easy give and take. Darn, I yearn for him. We were at peace with each other and we could also laugh pretty good about life and about ourselves. Love to you both, Valley

Korina, Please take care. Be gentle with yourself and cry and cry and cry. It is good to cry. It helps relieve so much tension. I think we all second guess the decisions we have made regarding treatment for illness. We second guess what we should have done to save our loved ones. But that is all they are....guesses. I am sure you acted in the best interests of your partner, you child and yourself. There is nothing harder than losing the ones we love. Take care, Valley

Mrs. B. Sorry that you have to go through another loss again so soon. It sounds like you have a very loving family that can come together to offer mutual support. I send you a big hug and hope that all of you can make it through the funeral. side by side. Take care, VAlley

Marsha, As I get nearer and nearer that one year mark I feel scared. I can totally relate to what you feel and so glad you have freed yourself from the bar of personal expectations. Boo is right...you are a warrior. I like the image of being able to stand up to (maybe instead of fight) the pain and loss that has been thrown at you. Really what else can you do? But where is the reward? I sure don't know. And I really, really, really like the image of you rocking out to the Stones. I stood out on the porch in a giant thunderstorm the other night and did some big time screaming myself. I ask myself sometimes, "so is this as good as it gets"? Then something really nice happens; a friend calls to see whats up, or my son stops by, like that. And I forget for a minute that I am so alone inside, so rootless. The person who helped form my past, who was active in my day to day present and who I made plans with for the future is no where to be seen. Tom and I went to see the Stones in California at an outdoor festival near the beginning of our relationship. On the other end of the spectrum we went to see Bob Dylan a few years ago in Washington State. These old musicians out lived our men.....who would have thought. Think I'll go put on some music and do some dancing with you. Valley

Dear Em, You are like my daughter who loved her father so much. To have a father that you look up to and enjoy as your friend is so wonderful. My daughter and my husband shared a sense of humor and could laugh and laugh about so many things. They shared a view of the world and their place in the world. I would say that humor and trust were the cement in their relationship. My daughter is married and her father's death was so hard on her husband, who also loved Tom. My daughter cried and was so depressed and had a really hard time handling her grief. One day a volunteer from a cancer center came door to door collecting donations or selling a daffodil and my daughter's husband talked to the volunteer about the grief his wife was going through as her dad had died recently from cancer. The volunteer suggested grief counselling or the services that her agency could offer. It ended up that both my daughter and her husband went together to a grief counsellor and it was the best thing for them as individuals and as a couple. So eventhough they had each other to talk to about the deep feelings of sadness and loss, they needed more than that. You seem to have friends who will listen to you and that you can be honest with. You also want to be close to your family and that is great too. You are not alone. I think that Boo's "grieving time" each day is special. When you are alone and can do exactly what you need to do to find comfort....cry, call out, scream, be mad, or just talk to your dad or remember all the special times you shared. We cannot bring the person back no matter how hard we try....and did I ever try. I wish for you that your family was more able to allow you to be you infront of them, but I suppose we don't all get that. They still are your family. My daughter calls me after work sometimes and just falls apart on the phone. She tells me "I just miss dad so much" and I hear such incredible sadness in her voice, such deep loss. But then I am like that too, feeling the pain. My son feels the loss too, but handles it in such a different way. Instead of talking about his dad so much, he tries to emulate his dad by watching out over me. He is very attentive. Sometimes I fall apart around him crying and he comes and sits next to me and puts his arms around me and just holds me. He doesn't say anything, he just loves me. Lots of people are not good with words and just do not know what to say or how to comfort. But if you have even a few friends who can listen to you speak honestly about your feelings and your deep loss that is a blessing. I am holding you in my heart today as I do my daughter and hope that you can see your "one good thing" for this day. Take care Em, Valley

I was just in my garden picking raspberries for the first time this year. Tears welled up. In past years I would hold a few berries in my hand and go up to Tom's studio and he would step out on his porch and I would say, "open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a great surprise"! And he would! And I would pop in the fresh raspberry. And then we would talk about how great they are and how lucky we are to have the garden and all. Then he would go back in the studio and life would continue. It is the small things that I miss and that only he would appreciate from me. Love is such a treasure. I love you Tom. Valley

Dear Shelly, My husband has also been gone 10 1/2 months and the ache and longing for him is just as great for me today as it was the first day he died. Somethings have changed though. I am not as hysterical, do not cry all the time, can enjoy times with friends and family. I am learning what I can do on my own and when I need to ask or pay for help. I think that Tom and I were both strong, independent people within our relationship,; we each had our specialties, our areas of interest. He did so much both in the outside world, but also our home. He was a man who loved to work, especially physical work. So now I am seeing what I can do in that area too. I am doing the jobs he use to do around our place and finding new strengths in myself. I do not think much beyond the day...especially about my future....as it is a blank without him. I do know that each day is a day that walks into that future. You were blessed with a wonderful relationship with a person that was your best friend, your soul mate. I was too. So far, time is not a factor in changing that longing to talk to Tom one more time, to touch him, to laugh with him, to share with him. That is still there, the longing. Like you, I don't know if that will ever go away. Meanwhile I have to contend with life and I am trying to do that. Much love to you, Valley

Oh Shyman, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Tanya. You have been handed a lot to deal with so early in your life. My heart goes out to you. Know that our arms are reaching out to you with understanding and compassion. Valley

Dear Tea, The loss of Allen is still so new for you and it sounds like you have so much responsibility. I am thinking of you and sending you strength right now to just get through each day...each new day. Yes, we do miss talking to the ones we love and trust. My love goes out to you and to your family. Valley

Rekim, I think that it is very normal that you think more of your dad now than when he was alive. We all take life for granted when our loved ones are alive and we are also in a dynamic relationship with them. We go through ups and downs with them. We live as though we always have another day, another time to reach out to those we love. In death we lose that. The questions you are asking yourself..."is he proud of me", "would he think I am doing the right thing", "can he see me", are the same questions I ask myself. My husband has been gone 10 months and I think much like you. I like to think he can see me and it gives me something to live up to. I want to be the strong person he would like me to be. He would be so amazed at the love and strength our son has shown to me. And our daughter. When he was alive we talked about our kids and analyzed their choices and decisions and offered our suggestions when they asked (and sometimes when they didn't ask!). Tom would be so proud of how his son has really opened up on a personal level, sharing his feelings much more completely than he had ever done. Learned to be a bit more vulnerable. I want Tom to see this, so for me I think he can see all these new parts of our family as we try to adapt. Kavish I think it is wonderful that you have embodied the love and goodness of your friend. To think of her goodness as a legacy to carry forward is powerful. In that way your friend does live on. Personally this was always one of the ways I thought of reincarnation. That we are all made up of the people we love and people who had great influence over us. And we carry that forward because that is who we are. Now that I have been put to the test I am finding it hard to be in that space but I hope to get there. Take care, Valley

Dear Sherr, Josie and Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. My father died from cancer when I was in my early twenties and he never got to meet my wonderful husband or his grandchildren. You three are sharing a bond right now, speaking with each other and I hope this will give solace to you as you grieve the loss of your mothers. My mother is 92 and showing signs of dementia and in many ways I am also losing my mother as she seems to drift further away. She is fighting really hard to hang on though. My mother did have a good and long life with many wonderful adventures, so of course it is different. Our mothers are such primary figures in our lives and in who we are and I feel for you all tonight. Share your ideas and feelings, as you are. Take care, Valley

Em and Boo, I do too....believe in GOODNESS. I think the Dalai Lama said that for each evil act, there are a thousand acts of kindness in the same day. Something like that. This sustains me. Cry over that special flavor of ice cream for your dad and think of it as the flavor of love. I bet your dad does. Love, Valley

Love to you all for your kindness. I was so sad last night and I came here and just told you all how I feel. Or felt. Today is a new day. A friend came over today and we had a good visit. I told her that I belonged to this group and how good it was for me to be able to express myself to people who do understand. How I try not to do that out socially so much anymore. When my friend got up to leave she hugged me and said "I want you to tell me what you feel and are going through. You can say things over and over again to me and I want to listen to you. And I hope you will do the same for me as I tell you about what is happening for me". That meant a lot. And to all of you, thank you so much for letting me reach out right at the moment I needed to. Your friend, Valley

Dear Em, Like you, I feel terrible that my husband cannot see the garden this summer, eat the produce, go boating, laugh with his kids. Enjoy his life. I suppose we get past this longing for the other person's loss. I feel for my husband as much as I do for myself. Maybe more. His will to live was enormous. His enjoyment of life contagious. I am thinking of you tonight. Valley

I come to you good people and the new members, of which I am one, such a short time ago. I say things. I read and write and feel here. What do I know? I swing from one emotion to the other. I guess I try to bring my best side here. So often, and lately, that is not what I feel. I feel so lonely. I cannot accept that I will never....never...never...have that one person who accepted me and took me as I am, and I him....never...again. When I say he was my perfect mate, I mean we were perfect in our arguements, our makeups, our love of our children, our work ethic, our conversation, our growing, our successes and our failures. We shared all of that, the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet we stayed by each others side. We supported each other even when times were very, very hard. We saw each other through so much. It kills me inside to know that I will not find someone to love me unconditionally like Tom did. And it kills me inside that he did not get to live his full and wonderful life. A man born to live and laugh and love and create. A man who totally loved life and never wasted time dwelling on what might have been. He was so strong and carried me along on his tidal wave of enthusiasm for living. I want more than anything to pull him inside me and feel him and be thankful for our almost 40 years of working life out together. He made life so much fun, such an adventure. He loved his children so much and me so much. And he said it and showed it. And as much as I do with other wonderful, wonderful people...it is not Tom. We learned to speak the same language, to know what each other thought. And it kills me inside to be so cut off from that kind of love and appreciation and understanding. Of course we fought. We did. But in a matter of days, presto....we didn't even have to talk about it...we looked at each other with love again. I don't know how that happens. But it did. One day during an argument I would see him as selfish and mean...see that in him....and a few days later, he was the great man, unselfish and kind, that mostly he was. We project so much. But always, always we came back to love. When he looked at me I saw love. And it is the greatest gift. He always told me and told our children how much he loved us. He bragged about us to people, eventhough we are just regular folk. He lived for us and for his creative process. I can tell people to be strong, offer my experience, but tonight I am feeling such a huge loss and I know that the great joy we shared will not happen again and it kills me inside. I guess this is what grief is. I hope I have never tried to sound stronger than I really am. I do not want to be a phoney. But I do know grief. My grief. I just had to say this. Valley

Bless you Mary and your daughter. For you to say that you both have survived the year and learned so much is a tribute to you both. Like you I believe in taking one day at a time. And also to look for something good in each day (I am not always that successful with this). I appreciate your experience and wisdom. I honor you for sharing with us all. I am starting to get so scared inside as in 7 weeks, I too will be at the one year mark. And the loss is still so overwhelming. I yearn to just sit and talk with Tom. He was my perfect match. But this is about you and your daughter and the love you share. Bless you today and all the days. Valley

Yes, it is impossible to explain. I have had several friends who have lost their husbands before I did and I did not understand the depth of their pain. I would call them, offer support by helping with their children, do what I could...but I did not understand. I could see grief, but I could not imagine the depth of what that word means. We cannot compare how each person deals with loss and say that somehow you are not handling it as well as someone else. We are all different. Our relationships are different. Each is unique and special in its own way. I did attend a 10 year Memorial for a girl friend of mine that was held by her husband last weekend. I loved her so much and her husband. He was one of my husbands best friends. He is now, finally, able to love again and has a wonderful new relationship. It is good for me to see him happy. He has been a wonderful support for me and he was so loving to my husband when he was sick. Another man was at the Memorial and his wife died suddenly 1 1/2 years ago and he told me, "stay busy" as that will help you. I don't want to be too busy to miss anything I might really be feeling. I want to feel what I feel and not ignore anything. And yet I don't know if this is right or if I am not allowing my own healing by often times socially isolating myself and being alone. My friends want to keep me active and busy. I accept maybe half of what is offered to me in social interaction. And I do enjoy myself when I go out. Or when I have a party for someone. But day in and day out, I grieve for the person I really want to be with, to talk to. When people ask me how I am, I say an unenthusiastic , "I'm ok". We all grieve in our own way. At our own pace. In our own time. Valley

Dear Tanya, I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you are crying a lot, it is good for you to cry. I know it all seems so unreal to you, and actually it still does to me too. My husband died a little over 10 months ago, and I still cannot imagine that he is really gone. I know it intellectually. Not emotionally. Like Marsha, I talk to my husband each day. You sound like such a loving mother. When people tell you that you are strong and will get through this.....that is probably true. When people said that to me, I thought inside myself, they have no idea how broken I am. But still we get up each day and move forward. Perhaps that is our strength. Love to you and to your children. Valley

Dear Jo, My love goes out to you. I am sure this is a sad and fearful time. I hope you have talked to your brothers and that just the act of telling them has made this news easier to digest. Easy isn't the right word, as it cannot ever be easy, but at least you can hear the words over the pounding of your heart. I know that when I hear really bad news, a bit later I am not sure what I heard. I think that by talking to someone you love and trust, you will begin to make a plan for your next step. It is unfair. It seems too cruel that you have this to contend with while you are grieving your husband. If it is possible to get a second opinion I think that is an excellent idea. Maybe in that process you will also find a doctor that you can really communicate with and that offers you hope. I know that when my husband was being treated we could only be around positive forces, respectful people, good communicators. As soon as a medical person approached me in a negative way, a cold, impersonal way....I rejected whatever they had to say. I hated that person. It isn't that I didn't want to hear the truth as that person saw it, but I wanted them to understand that we were walking on a ledge and could only move forward with love and grace and yes, hope. I wanted to protect my husband at all times. To make things right. I hope you can find one person right now to stand by your side and be a second pair of ears for you. That you can go over and over things with and arrive at plans that will work for you. I am sorry you feel caught in the medical system as that is so huge for everyone. I care about you. I do. And so do all these other wonderful people here on this site. Please lean on us now when you need someone to lean on. Together we will do our best to hold you up.....and be there for you. Valley

Yes, let us know. We are here with you. With you. Much love, Valley

Dear Shyman, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.....even a long time ago. You were at such a young age to experience this trauma....to see this happen to your brother. I think it is so good to be able to tell this story and to reflect on that huge loss and how your were not able to really experience your grief. I was with my brother when he died in his early 40's. That image on his face as he died also stays with me. I was with my husband when he died 10 months ago and I can barely allow myself to "see" that last moment without plunging into deep sadness. I hope to be able to "speak" and "see" that last hour someday with understanding and love, rather than fear and grief. I think the bullies in the world are unhappy, unfulfilled people and it is too bad that they manage to hurt so many. They exisit everywhere, both as children and adults. I am sorry that you became a target for them. Thank you for sharing your story. Valley