valley

Bless you both. Happy Birthday Bob. Valley

Like all of you, this topic brings great sadness to me. Tom and I always talked about him being cured...getting well.....handling the treatments because on the otherside of the treatment would be better health. Once when Tom was in hospital for peunomia the doctor, someone we did not know, talked about paliative care.....that he would just try to keep Tom comfortable. Tom called me that night. He was furious. Doesn't this doctor know how hard we are fighting and that he is going for a CURE. I called and spoke with that doctor the next day and just laid into him. That he had no right to talk to Tom like that, other doctors had told us that treatments would help and we were fighting cancer, and fighting for his life. I got some weak response from the doctor. Both Tom and I sought out doctors who always offered hope and talked positively about what our options were and what we could do next. It was all we would allow ourselves to hear and in truth doctors did in fact talk to us as though we could have hope. That they too had hope for Tom. Tom was hospitalized 3 different times for peunomia. And had radiation and low dose chemo and then full on chemo. He got thinner and thinner. Coughed more and more. Still we had hope. It was 6 months of both of us doing visualization, praying, doing massive Vit. C infusions, naturopathic treatments, food changes to the the cancer diet, fighting, fighting , fighting for health. We both did this. Side by side. A few times I did bring up the subject of WHAT IF and left the door open. He would not go there. Only one time when our daughter was with us, he said, "I am not afraid to die". But we never really talked about death. I know he worried about me and how I would handle all the things we have on the go and all the responsibilities. Once when I was sitting by him I put my arm around his back and said, "Tom, I am going to be alright". That was it. That was my acknowledge of how sick he was. I also told him most days, "you are my life", which was probably unfair to him. But he was and is. And he would say, "I know. I feel the same way". His desire to live was far greater than his desire or need to talk about dying. Is this true? I will never know. That is how it seems. When people would phone to visit with him, it was like he wasn't sick. They were right into laughing and discussing everything they ever had. But he would alwasy say, "I could not do this without Shelley". Thats me. I know he could not do it without me. We were partners in this fight, as we were partners in everything we did. Tom was a man who said I Love You to me and to our kids. And thank goodness for that. He dropped dead from a complication from cancer right after lunch one afternoon and I called 911 and they worked on him but could not save him. I have to believe that when he fell to the floor he did not know or believe he was dying. At least our children and I knew....because he said it so much....that he loved us, even if he could not talk about dying. But I do play that over and over again in my mind. If he was scared inside and just couldn't bear to talk about it...I would feel so horrible, that I couldn't have provided the space or security or whatever for him to go to those depths. It seemed we talked about everything in our 40 years together. I would like to think at the end......he felt free enough to express his fears. We may have passed up the opportunity to really speak of death and face it, because we both were keeping HOPE alive. Your friend, Valley (Shelley)

Hi Everyone, Yes the death of Patrick Swayze brings back the horrible stuggles that people with cancer face......the unknown, the fight, the choices to make, the new trials and treatments, the uncertainty of everything. Patrick fought hard, gave a public face yet again to this disease and also framed the fight with a loving wife by his side helping him along the path. Go ahead and cry. Me too. I am going to a backyard "memorial" for a friend today. He and his wife were high school sweethearts and married for 50 years. They were out walking by the lake two days ago and Barry fell to the ground with a massive heart attack and died instantly. This was a thin, healthy, active, vegetarian, community supporter, artist, father of 3 and loving, loving partner with his dear wife. Unfair. Yes. Again one of the good and kind....lost in an instant. He had no signs, no symptoms, no history of a heart problem. Life is precious. Valley

Dear Nancy, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Like you, almost instantly Tom and I knew we belonged together. It was like magic. 23 years of a wonderful relationship is a tribute to both of you. When you say "caring for him was a gift" it speaks loudly of the partnership and love you shared. You share. The day the doctor told both Tom and I that they found a tumor in Tom's lung and it plunged us into a new battle we knew nothing about, a fearful place, it also pulled our relationship into a new realm......we had always loved each other, but now each moment had a possible ending which we had never really considered. Please take care of yourself now. You may be new to your community, but please know that we also are a community for you. Again, please accept my sincere condolence. Valley

Dear Mandy, I am so sorry for the loss of your Joe. So sorry. Grief and how we manage with it is very individual, but the support that you can get by expressing your feelings here on this board seems to be really helpful to many. It has been for me. One of the most difficult parts of going through my husbands fight to survive cancer was watching him suffer in any way at all.....from weight loss, to even a doctor saying anything at all discouraging to him. Take care of yourself now...eat, sleep, and know that we understand and care about you. Valley

Walt, Yes. I would give anything.....but then I would not want to let go. I hope you get to have one of those great dreams about your wife on the 19th. I remember the one you wrote about a few weeks ago. Take care, Valley

Kath, Tom and I were a match, but different. We held hands when we walked down the street and I loved that. He was a bit bigger than me, but as the years progressed we started looking at each other more eye to eye. Tom had a little butt and had to wear a belt to keep his pants up and I always laughed and told him , "your butt must have got shot off in the war". I mean no disrespect. Tom was in the navy between wars and sailed all over and loved it. I so remember his hands and how often I would say, "clean your nails Tom". How bad thinking of that now. He worked with his hands, everything was using those hands. At night when he would come to bed we often held hands and talked a little bit before we started reading and he would turn his light off before me. In these later years. Physically we were sort of the same body types.....he a few inches taller than me, both sort of normal body builds- not skinny, not fat, brown hair, darker brown hair....but the eyes, mine brown, his hazel/blue. Yes, watching people holding hands makes me happy. Happy for them. I know the closeness of that and cherish it. When we first met we formed a perfect curve when we went to sleep at night. Later...we loved each other but liked our leg room! Much love for this memory, Valley

Hey Dusky, It is your big day! Happy birthday. My brother also celebrated this day of birth, a different year though. All the best and take care, Valley

Tpol I am so sorry for the loss of your father. You are worried about your mother and how she will deal with this horrible loss in her life. You say she is "seemingly strong willed and independent", but somehow I think even if you are, even if you aren't, the loss is devasting for all. We all have to find our own way and she is probably use to not having her children near her to help out in any easy way. Believe me, you are helping her....the calls are wonderful, wonderful. It probably gives your mother something to look forward to and someone she knows that she can trust to listen. You also need this for yourself. Mary Linda gave some great suggestions for your mom, as the computer can be such a link to not only you and your brother, but to the world. If your mother is not adverse to classes she could take some on the computer and then enjoy the benefits of the close connections people can make using this tool. When my husband died I did not have good concentration powers at all. I probably would have had a hard time learning anything, but with a little time she may like to put her energy into this new learning. You say she has her mother and a few good friends....thats good. I know my grown children worried a lot about me right after their father died, but they were also suffering their own grief and loss. You must allow yourself to feel what you feel without feeling any guilt about not being near to your mother physically. She knows you are emotionally. My daughter does not live near me either(5 hours over mountain roads), but like you, she communicates with me on the phone....and of course we both email and send photos via email and have that as one more communication tool. Take care of yourself. Valley

Dear Joanne, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. So sorry. There is no answer or easy way to move through the pain of losing someone so close and dear to you. Your mother was your friend and someone your could really talk to and enjoy. It is a devastating loss. Your sons will bring you comfort and give you reason to move forward. My heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself right now when you are so vulnerable and know that people on this forum understand what you feel and are walking the same road.......but still walking. Love to you, Valley

Dear Lucia, Yes, sleep well. That will help. I know all these big events are so hard to do without our loved one. My daughter has said the same things to me, expressed those same concerns, when I have been down. It is a tricky balance right now for everyone. Take care and know that we are here for you. Valley

Marsha, I love that you say joy and grief can exist side by side. Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I had a big cry and as we talked, she said that she always loved to come home because her dad was so much fun and made her laugh and brought joy. He did. That was true. I am a more serious person by nature. Thats one reason Tom was such a good balance for me. My daughter wants to be able to come home again and find that happiness and joy. She hates to think of me at home crying and upset all the time. I tell her I have many happy days...I do. But the whole in my heart and also in my identity is large right now. So when I say I want to find and express some joy again, I do. For her and for me and for my son and to fill this house again with a welcoming fullness. Not grey clouds. I know it will take time. My daughter left this morning for her home, 5 hours away. The house went silent and feels huge. I feel sad. The sun is out today and I will head out to the garden and pick some tomatoes and basil and make some tomato sauce. Moving my body and being in sunshine will help. I believe what you say about joy and grief, I just need to remember that. Thanks everyone for your caring. We also said "I love you" when we went to sleep at night...except sometimes! Sometimes, well you know, you dislike the other person, before you find your way back to love. Mary Linda I like to think of you on a riverboat! I have no illusions about beginning this second year, I really don't. I feel adrift except for all the responsibilities that I have that anchor me, and the fact that my mother (92) needs my attention too. And yet I need to believe that I can learn to live with the grief and not let it overtake me. I need to set some goals that I can shoot for......pull myself up when I get down, try and try some more to see the positive. Love to all, Valley

Dear Friends, About 1:30 pm, one year ago today, my love dropped dead before me. Literally fell to the floor and died. This afternoon the sun has come out and my daughter and I have been sitting talking about Tom. About how much we love him and miss him and how much he made life enjoyable and saw the good in people and made people laugh and not take life too seriously. He taught by example, not lecture. You all would have loved him.....really. He was a charmer, in a good way. I want to again say thanks for this forum and for a chance to express feelings here and feel that you are heard. And also to listen and gain courage from others. And to feel the compassion that is shared here. Thank you all. As I enter this new year I do it with a heavy heart and yet a thankful one. I was blessed to have such a fun time for almost 40 years and to have so many great adventures with my Tom. I want to find strength and resoucefulness and be a woman still capable of carrying out some of our dreams. Now I need to go and have another cry. My son will join my daughter and I tonight for a toast to dad....have an Irish whiskey for Tom....and then talk about how lucky we were to have him in our lives. I am going to try really, really hard to learn to express joy again....for my kids and mostly for Tom. To find the positive that lives in our world. And I am thankful that Tom is no longer suffering or wasting away. That death took him quickly. Eventhough I would give anything, anything to spend another day with him laughing, holding hands, kissing, dancing, talking politics, planning a party or going out on the boat. Or even a good argument. No, not really. Wouldn't that be a waste of a day. Another day to say I love you. That was one thing my daughter said today, "dad always told us how much he loved us", which was true. He didn't need any final words as he always let you know your importance to him. Again thank you all. So much. Your friend, Valley

I scream. I live where I can and no one can hear me. Sometimes it feels so good. I found myself screaming a lot today, just getting out the sadness I feel. I scream because Tom should not have died in a fair world.....or the way I see it. He was one of the really, really good people who actually helped others and believed in people and gave freely of himself for no profit, just to help out. I yell and scream for him, for the unjust nature of life. What a great old man he could have become, a lesson to people, a friend to people, a kind and gentle soul. I love you Tom. I hope you can hear me. But more, I hope you can feel my love. Valley

Mary Linda, My love is winging its way to you. I am sorry you are having this down time. I know all about that. You are so important to us all on this forum, please know that you are loved and respected and needed. As far as your husbands family goes...I think you just have to do the things that make you feel good and not worry about how they are going to interpret them. Be true to yourself. I hope today was a better day and that some sun came out to brighten life. I know I can be very affected when it pours rain and is dark all day long. Each day can be a challenge....to get up and make meaning. It was so much more fun to start the day making plans with Tom and end the day talking about what we had done. I know your longing. No one can fill that huge gap, that partnership, that unconditonal love and joy. And yet, we had that and I will be eternally grateful for that. Love to you dear Mary Linda. Your friend, Valley

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Our parents are such primary figures in our lives, even if they were not always there for us. He is still your dad. My father died when I was about 21 and I was in college and working at the same time. My parents were divorced so it really was up to my brother and I to help my father out. He died from cancer, a long battle with it. I have felt guilt for not quitting college and taking better care of my father, but then he would not have wanted that for either my brother or I. He was proud of us for going to school. My dad was broke and mostly alone except for what my brother and I could do for him. I always felt bad that my father never got to meet Tom because I didn't even know him then. And he never got to come and visit me when I we moved to Canada and built our house and had his only grandkids. I always felt bad that I was so young when my father died, as I missed seeing him from my more experienced, adult eyes. I did love my dad. And I do remember having fun with him when I was a kid. He was a fun loving man. Be gentle now on yourself. The fact that you are here on this site means you are infact thinking of your father and wondering about your relationship to and with him. It is great that Marty can point you in the direction of places to go for information. I would have really appreciated that when I was younger. Well, here I am, now. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Sincerely, Valley

Mary Linda and Boo, I too have been wondering about Jo. Glad that you reached out to her Boo. I hope she is managing ok. My heart went out to her when she shared her story. Valley

Dear Teny, Like you, I have not found this new reality without my husband to get much easier emotionally with the passage of time. Some days I am very motivated, get things done, visit with friends, find things that I enjoy, laugh and work and then the next morning I wake up and am in depair and longing and do not want to see anyone. I just started reading a book which I think will give me some new ideas to think about... A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss by Jerry Sittser that Boo had recommended. I found it on-line from a used book store. Thanks for that information Boo. Today is Sept. 7th and my Tom was alive and fighting for his life along side me on this day last year. He died two days later, the 9th. I have gone into a reclusive mode this last week and been mostly alone. My son stops by every few days and that is good for me. My daughter is arriving tomorrow for two days so that the 3 of us can be together on the 9th and share the love we feel for Tom. The sorrow we also feel. Thank all of you for letting me say things to you these past months as it has comforted me. Take care Teny. Your friend, Valley

Dee and All, Your mother would really be shocked at me as now 5 days to go before my Tom's death one year ago, I still have not gotten rid of anything. I may be moving closer to that now. Feeling a bit more ready. Just some of the things....like he had a big pile of jeans stacked on a shelf in the closet that he wasn't wearing. Probably didn't fit him anymore. I think I can let them go now. But his shirts....I love to see them hanging on his side of the closet. I know this is morbid to some, but it feels good to me. We are all different and have different needs and timing. What works for one, is not the answer for another. There are no rules. I know there are things of Tom's that I will never give away. They represent him....silly things. He was so proud of a Hawaiian shirt he bought for his 65th birthday in Honolulu and he wore it lovingly. Who would have ever known this bright, strong person would be dead 3 years later. He loved that shirt. Believe me, it is not going anywhere. And his boots by the door. I love them there. I know I will change too. Life is change. But where I am at, almost one year down this horrible process of loss, is I keep my man around me, his symbols, because they get me through the day, they make this home....still....OURS. And I am still very much with him. No one around me seems to mind. Love to all, Valley

Deborah and All, People love to give advice. To fix you. Make you well. I take it with a grain of salt. It is like a parent offering advice when their children are adults.....still trying to sway them, fix them, change them. Grief is personal and different for all of us and we go through this or live in this in our own ways. My husband never talked about dying, not really. The whole time he was fighting cancer we talked about him getting well. I can imagine if he did talk about it he would have not really wanted a memorial, but maybe a little party. I did a memorial for him. In my heart it was not really for him though it most certainly was a celebration of his life. I did it for his many, many friends who were also feeling such a loss and a need to come together. It gave them a chance to publically grieve and to celebrate Tom, and my kids and I just got through that day. My daughter put together a fabulous slide show of Tom's life and we played over a speaker the music he was listeing to on his Ipod. One of Tom's best friends is a practicing Buddhist and I asked him to do a short chanting ceremony. Tom's cousin's came from afar and talked about the fun times with Tom when they were little boys. One of our good friends sang an acapella song for Tom. And people stood up and offered memories. Followed by a potluck. In our community hall. And that was that. I drove back home with two girl friends who had come from far away and were staying at my house. People loaded up the flowers and left over food and booze into the car and into the cars of my kids. And then the unplanned wake began. I walked into our house and about 7 very dear, dear old friends were here and my adult children and their friends who knew Tom and loved him. We ate and played music and drank and had the kind of party that Tom would have wanted. I kept looking for him in the house as he would be the life of the party and so happy to see his kids and their friends having such fun remembering all the great times. A spontaneous wake. I guess I am taking a moment to remember this as I am only 7 days away from Tom's one year.....what.....what do I say? It is still so hard to say, "of his death". Anyhow the memorial was for the friends, the wake was for Tom. Bless you all, Valley

Lostluv, You sound like a very pro-active person, taking care of those around you. And now you have suffered this great loss. When you say, "I am just worn out"....who wouldn't be. That is your mind and body speaking to you. It is great that your friend is urging you to get out and move your body, but if you don't feel like doing that, that's fine too. Each day seems to be different, some deep and dark, some with a tiny bit of light, some so full of responsibilities that you have no time to feel. I go up and down and next week it will be one year since my husband died. I still find it impossible to believe and cannot imagine my future without him. And now I am almost one year into that future. Take care, Valley

Dear Kimi, I am so sorry for the loss of your David. Yes, cancer is a cruel disease. I lost my Tom 11 months ago today from a complication of cancer. He lived for only 6 months. I feel your pain, your loss. Please take care and I believe that crying is good for you. It helps to release some of the pain that seems to come like waves, over and over. Again, I am so sorry. Valley

Dear Walt, I have tears running down my face right now, but happy ones! Like I just read a "love story", your story. Thank you for telling us your wonderful dream. I can feel your love for Jean. Valley

Hi Shelley and All, I have Tom's ashes with me at home. A potter friend made a lovely urn and we put them in that for the Memorial service. Now they are with me. Right now in British Columbia it is really HOT and many, many forest fires buring all over our province. People talk of their evacuations and what they take with them. I am not near a fire, but I thought I would take Tom with me. And then how silly that was. I would take ashes, so that he wouldn't be lost in a fire. I realize I am very protective of the ashes. Like Boo I have thought of what I will do with them once I get to a place where I can scatter them. I am not anywhere near that yet. I want to go out in our boat on our lake and spread a few, as Tom was so happy in the boat, on the lake. And maybe some under one of the trees he planted. But the locket is also what I have decided to do. I was going to have a jewler friend make the locket. Not really a locket, but a design I have in my head. I for sure am going to do this as right now I wear a heart shaped locket with the first photo taken of Tom and I....we looked so young, so shy, so happy. I like to reach for it and just feel it. Once I have the one with Tom's ashes I will feel him even closer. I know. I know. It is not him. But it also is him. For now he sits in the house with me. I love the locket idea and will look at the site you mentioned Boo. My brother was a surfer and when he died his girl friend took his ashes out on a boat in California and spread the ashes in the Pacific Ocean. It seemed very fitting. And my husband's sister's ashes were spread from a low flying plane over a river she oftened fished in and loved. Take care all, Valley

Boo, I think of you as a compassionate, loving person...bold and strong. If people can not step up to the plate now or do what they say they will do.....they are the ones who lose out. They were lucky to have had you and Cliff for friends. Be who you are.....the smart, kind woman that we know. Sometimes we do have to let go of people that are using us. They probably don't think they are, but still. I do expect people to do the things they say they will do. If they don't, after a few times, I just understand them in a new way....that they are not someone I can count on or go to for anything. You deserve people around you who appreciate your new situation and have some follow through. I too have been surprised by the friends who have stepped up to help me out and the ones who have not. I guess when Tom was alive it was never an issue, because he and I were such a strong team and didn't ask for help. We were more the helpers, like you. I hope your day got better. Valley