valley

Mary LInda, Shadow is wonderful! I think he has a great name and a great person to grow with......lucky for you both. Valley

Talia, Oh your beautiful Tabitha! Her little hands, her full lovely lips, her dark hair....what a joy. You and Marc made this miracle and you will be a wonderful mother. Bless you both! If friends and family offer help, please accept it. And of course you can also ask for help. Take care, Valley

Fay, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Fred. Like your friends here have said, eat, rest, and be gentle with yourself now. Like you, I also wonder how to live without my husband and he died just over 10 months ago. I just do what I need to do that day. I am living. I miss him so much and believe that there is no time frame for grief. But I do have a calendar on my desk and write in special events that will happen in the next months...weddings, birthdays, dinners with friends, visits to my mother.....things that will pull me into my future. TAke care Fay, and let yourself feel what you feel. Valley

Dear Jo, I have been away a few days but found myself thinking of you. Wondering how your tests were going, how you were feeling. I know what you mean when you talk about all the dreams and plans that you and Jose had for fixing your house up, your organic garden, a pony for the grandchild. All the work that you had done together to build your life. It is so hard to comprehend how to move forward without your life partner and now you have to face doctors and tests and not have that one special person to support you. Know that you have this group of people supporting you in spirit. I think you should write whatever you feel or need to write about. Those last days of a loved ones life are natural to replay and replay. Take care, Valley

Dear Jo, It is Tuesday night here in Canada and you are on my mind. I am thinking of you and know how horrible the WAIT IS! It is horrible. Stay as strong as you can and know that we all are with you on this journey. Hugs to you, Valley

Mary Linda, I am picturing you and your pup....happily ever after. Lucky pup to have made its way into your life and your love. All the best, Valley

Mark, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I think the confusion and forgetfulness are perfectly normal and much what I found too. I had to double check everything to make sure of what I was doing. Driving a car was challenging, eventho I did it. I would start crying in the car and knew that made me unsafe. I am better with that now. To have people who will listen to you say whatever you need to say is important. You can always find them here, even if it isn't face to face. My husband died just months before our 30th anniversary so I do know how hard it must be for you. Nothing prepares us for this kind of loss. I am with you. So glad that you have your daughters nearby, but yes, we do go home alone. Kath I loved what you said when you say "It's not that time heals all wounds, it is love". That really means something to me and I want to carry that inside me today for strength. Thank you. Mossfire, I am like you too. I want friends to talk to me about my husband, to remember funny stories and time spent with him. I think it is great that you want people to talk about your Rob. I actually have brought this up with my friends and told them, please do not hold back as I want to talk about and listen to their stories of Tom. It is good for me, not bad. Maybe it is just a way to actively keep him alive for me, to put him into our conversations. For me his force was magnetic and I need and want that still. Love to all of you dear people. All of you.

Teny, Bless your new grandchild and you. Marsha....I can see you kissing those soft baby feet! I did that all the time with my babies but haven't thought about that in so long. They are irrisistable. Take care Teny. Valley

I am like Boo too. I stack pillows on my Tom's side of the bed and sometimes curl up around them or lay my arm over them just to feel like he is with me. Yesterday I sat in a different chair at our table to eat and kept looking at Tom's chair and could almost feel him sitting there for a brief moment. Yesterday was a hard, hard day. I notice that when someone sleeps over at my house I tend to have very intense dreams......maybe I feel safer and go into a deeper sleep. I have good days, when I am really busy and can concentrate, and am focused on what I am doing and not on how I am feeling. So I suppose that means I am regaining some control. At one point I could not focus at all. It is when I let my mind go back......when I focus on how good my life was, how much confidence I had in this man of mine, how we worked so well as a team, how we changed and grew as individuals together......I am overcome with grief. I am working toward coming to a place where this brings me great joy and happiness instead of tears of sadness. I have to believe this is possible. But I do believe that I will never again have this kind of connection with another person and that kills me inside. So far today is better than yesterday so I need to focus on that and try to keep it that way. I am trying to find some power within myself to control my emotions a bit so that i can infact move forward and live, even live with some happiness. And I do have the love and support of many friends who have been Tom's and my friends for 30 and 40 years, and none of them have abandoned me. And my grown children are the living manifestation of their dad and very good to me. TAke care Jo and I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Your friend, Valley

The miracle of birth! Bless you both, Valley

Jo, Now is the time to lean on friends, to accept their hugs, to let them listen to you...as you and your husband did with your neighbor. I will be thinking of you this weekend as I clean and mow the lawn. And I loved what Kath said about marriage...."marriage gives us definition and purpose". So simple, so true. For me the purpose is gone, at least in the way I had it with my Tom. Hugs to all of you good and very kind people. Valley

Dear Jo, Here is a hug from me in Canada reaching all the way to you. Like you, when I found this site I jumped right in, I had too. I needed to put my feelings out there, to empty a bit of pain. I will think of you tomorrow...Friday...on your 25th anniversary and hope that you get some positive news from the doctors. I also used the anti-cancer diet with my husband. I also said things to my children that maybe they took the wrong way because we were all so emotional and in a place we had never gone to before, into the well of grief. They do know that I love them, always and ever, and if I said something inapproriate, then forgiveness is what will have to happen. Love is much stronger than any comment that may seem odd or wrong at the moment. Again, much love to you, Valley

Dear Mary Ann, I am so sorry for your loss and for the suddenness of it all. My husband died 10 months ago today. He was being treated for cancer but we did not expect his death at all. He dropped dead from a complication at home. Suddenly. He was cremated as i knew that would be what he wanted. I find comfort in knowing that he is still here in the house with me. Even his ashes. The future.....yes that is a big question mark. In truth I guess it always is, for everyone healthy or not. But like you, I cannot imagine mine. I am wrapped up in responsibilities now and helping my mother who is in her early 90's and is showing signs of early dementia, though she totally denies this fact. So I am busy. But it is my garden, my friendships and my two adult children that give me reason to get up each day. It would be so good for you to find a crafting group, maybe even through the YWCA and become invovled with some other people doing something that you love. Maybe you can take a bus to town. It is a process of living each day, just that day. And trying to find something good in each day. A few days ago, sitting at my desk as I am now, with the window open above the computer I smelled something so sweet and wonderful. I went outside and of course it was the honeysuckle planted just by the window. I thought "that is my good thing today". It was a special treat and like everything short lived. Come to this site often and you will find friends. Much love, Valley

Kath, Sorry anyone got in a wreck, but............ Your story is great and made me smile. Yes, the writing was on the mailbox. Valley

"I'm still going through the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. My husband thought I was the best wife a person could have, but I look back and I just don't know that I was especially in the last few weeks of his life. Things were so stressful, and I was so scared that I fussed at him for trying to do things I didn't think he should be attempting. I should never have fussed about anything - he didn't deserve that." Dear Mel, I am not sure how to do this quote thing...but. I am exactly like you...wondering if I did the most that I could possibly do to save my husband. I try not to go there, but when I allow myself, when I feel strong, I do go there. It is a place I am not sure I should go. I did try to respect my husband at this horribly streesful time, when every avenue seems to be a bad one, and still keep telling ourselves that things will work out. Maybe we should have been realistic and talked of the possibility of failure. But we didn't. To go on, we always kept pushing, telling each other things would be ok. We would get another number of years together. I tried to get my husband to totally change his diet...go on the O diet.....when what he wanted was what we had always eaten. I do believe he did not die from our diet. But each time we step into that area of analyzing what we should have done or could have done differently, we are walking into the unknown. And it can hurt so bad. The bottom line is we tried and we didn't succeed. Take care of yourself. I don't have panic attacks but I do have trouble sleeping. My goal is to somehow find a way to do it without using medication. I haven't gotten there yet. Thinking of you with love, Valley

Laurie, Marsha and Sherry, One thing we have in common is the love we shared with another person. And that is a gift. I meet so many woman who tell me, "you were so lucky to have had a true love", something they never experienced. I know that doesn't make it any easier, maybe harder, but I am glad that I did get almost 40 years to know and learn about a man I admired. The article Marty posted a few days ago, The Gift Of Loss, was very moving to me. Especially the last part...."love is the strongest force in the universe" and this is a force that all of us have known. It makes it no less difficult to lose, but I am so thankful that I can call that up inside me. Bless you woman on this 4th of July. Valley

Marsha, I always respect so much what you have to say here on this site. It means a lot to me. I know you have kept your business going and worked hard this last year. I admire that and you. I believe when Deborah said, "grief isn't something to get finished, its on going...." that this will most likely be true for me. I am taking my own time with grief. I have no time-table. I am better than I was the first few months....meaning I am not trying to make Tom come back (an impossible feat, but I tried) or crying uncontrolably all the time. On the face of it.....I am more adjusted to this huge hole in my life. My Tom will have been gone 10 months next Thursday and I have still not moved any of his things around in the house. It could be considered weird, but it isn't to me and I am comforted by this normalcy in my un-normal life. Yesterday when I went out to the garden, and passed the mock orange, all in full bloom and so fragrant.....I just started crying. Everything I touch, Tom touched. We always said, "can't you smell the mock orange?" My whole yard is like that for me. Sometimes it makes me happy....we did this....Tom and I. We loved this and created this together. And sometimes it just floors me. I am up and down. Sometimes I feel relatively strong. Today I thought that instead of relating to Tom outside me, as I often do....talk to him and even, gasp, look up when I do it.....I wanted to feel him inside me. I wanted to internalize him. I was a young woman when I met him and because of our relationship together he helped me become a confident woman, a strong woman, and I want to pull that deep inside and feel his presence with me and in me and know that I carry him with me each day. His strength and encouragement and ability to see and take fun from life. I am rambling.....but I just really wanted to say how much I appreciate all the posts that you have made and your special take on things. You are a special woman, I know you are. Take care, Valley

Marty T. Thank you for posting The Gift of Loss. It is a loving tribute to her daughter and to what it means to love. Thanks, Valley

Em and Chai, I just spent the evening with my daughter, a treat as she lives many miles from me. As we sat at her kitchen table she talked again about how much she misses her dad. They loved to laugh and joked about all kinds of things and shared so much. She and I are also close, but of course I am my own person and quite honestly do not have the great ability Tom had to laugh at the absurdities of life and not take everything so seriously. I recognize this difference and feel the same loss my daughter does.....her father, my husband. We talked a bit about this, her loss of the man she so looked up to, how he made her feel so good about herself and others. She has a good husband who also loved her dad. No one can replace another, and we all feel the loss of Tom and the unique human he was. For me, when I listen to my daughter, watch her in action, I can see so much of her father in her. This is wonderful and makes me feel good. She carries her father deep within her and someday she will beable to feel him inside. That he is with her....always. For both of us now.....my daughter and I....we still want Tom's physical presence, his joyful energy, his take on the world......we have not moved to a place where we are accepting of this loss. But maybe we are starting to accept it a bit more. As I say, for me to see my husband in our daughter is quite wonderful. I am glad you had such great relationships with your fathers and of course that loss is tremendous. Bless you both. Valley

Mary Linda, Me too. I wear my wedding ring and feel married to Tom. I also got a heart locket and put a little photo of Tom and I when we first met inside. I find that when I wear it I am always touching it, rubbing it, feeling it dangle on its long chain right near my heart. I get strength from touching it. Valley

Jeanne, What a lovely gift you offered with this post on what must be such a sad day. You show strength and love and possibilities for moving forward with love and grace. Alex must be so proud of you! I am also beginning to move to a place where I can talk and think of my Tom with humor. He was my star, he is my star and I want to shine for him. Bless you and thank you. Valley

M.J. and F.F. have lived so long in the glare of public eye and people do feel like they know them. And so they grieve. But like Boo, I too get irritated listening to people go on and on about really petty, petty problems. And people who think their "hearts are breaking", when really they are so lucky not to know what that really feels like or means. Yes, they know the celebrity from the media, but they don't know the loss of a person who totally gives their life meaning and joy and companionship. But of course they will. We all do. Death happens to us all. Be in the now, and love all the special moments that you share with friends and family. VAlley

Chai, I know what you mean about certain words. We all carry such different interpretations of words and they do indeed have power. I do not like the word "widow", as to me I am still married to my husband. We were happy and in love and we did not intentionally end our relationship. I am his wife. I wear my wedding ring. I often still say "we" when talking about this and that and then I realize that I should say "I". But I love "we". I also believe like Boo that you can ask people to use language that you accept and are comfortable with. Take care, Valley

Urchin, My husband died 9 months ago. He was my best friend and a source of such fun and joy. I felt very much like you right after his death. I just let myself be. I knew I couldn't do much other than cry and scream out for him and so that is what I did. The house, the garden, paper work, all of that stuff just had to wait for me to resurface and find a bit of energy to take on one tiny thing that day. It is better now. I do more each day. I find that accomplishing things here at home, (our) home, the place we loved, it makes me feel better. But I have just moved to this point gradually. I think you will too. I am so sorry for your loss. It is a devastating blow. I think that this is a spot for you to reach out to people and talk about whatever you feel, whatever you need to say. It is safe. It provides a place to share your grief. TAke care and know that we are walking beside you. Valley

Father's Day was always a time when my two children celebrated their dad. As little kids it would be cooking breakfast and making their father eat it on a tray in bed, and they bounching alongside watching him eat and jabbering away. Both my son and daughter had so much fun with their dad. Now they are both in their 30's and I will be thinking of them tomorrow. I spoke on the phone with my daughter last night and she started getting whistful and then she said "Fathers Day is Sunday and I cannot believe that dad is dead". This is the first father's day that they cannot invite him out to lunch, send cards, make over him and let him know how special he was to them. She started crying on the phone. My heart broke......again. I am often so wrapped up in my own loss, my own grief, that I forget what a toll this has taken on my son and daughter. How they often grieve in silence as they always feel the need to be supportive and strong for me. Tom raised two wonderful, kind, loving children and I know that tomorrow will be a painful day for both of them. We love you Tom and want you to know that you were the BEST dad........so full of fun, so present and involved with your kids. I hope you can read my mind, can feel the total love that we all hold for you. Father's Day will be a sad, sad day...but also one that reminds each of us of how seriously you took parenting and how good you were at it, how you set such a great example for these beautiful children of yours. Love to all fathers.