valley

Linda, I Know just what you mean when you talk about how much Brian loved life and wanted to live and how cheated you feel for him. That was one of the major heartbreaks I have felt through this whole process of grief. I am not even sure if grief is a process or a state of being. I like to think process. My partner was also super involved in my life, and me with him. And he had such energy and zest for life, that i still cannot imagine he is not hiding somewhere, ready to jump out and surprise me. Yet intellectually I know this not to be true. More than the sorrow I feel for myself, is the sorrow I feel for Tom to have had his life shortened by cancer. It caught both of us by surprise, as I am sure it does everyone. We were on a six month battle for his life and we lost. And I ache for the many experiences and adventures that we had planned together. I ache that he cannot fulfill even more of his dreams. I hope this day is better for you. Valley

Dear Teny, My husband died almost 14 months ago and I feel very much like you do. I work hard at trying to stay up and get things done, but inside I feel like I am broken into a million pieces with no real direction at all. I am trying to put some of the pieces back together as I know my husband would expect that of me. My heart goes out to you. Grief is a long, hard journey and I hope that you will beable to find a place inside yourself to be comfortable again and feel happiness. From Canada to you, hugs. Valley

Happy Birthday Tom! It is hard to believe that today you would turn 70! I know you would have something funny to say about it. Hard to believe that so much time has past. I remember the magic of our meeting at university so many years ago. You came to my apartment and we sat and talked so easily, telling each other about our families, our hopes, our dreams, and we were so comfortable and right then we just knew....this is the person for me. It was so clear and so easy and so wonderful. Tonight our son will come for dinner and we will put a candle on a brownie for you and blow it out. We will toast you with your fave Bushmills and talk about how lucky we are to carry you inside us. I will do my best to be happy and not cry. I love to think of you watching me and that somehow gives me strength. To carry your unique spirit forward; your love for life, your honesty, your intense involvement with all you do, your creative, artistic passion, your kindness toward friends, family and strangers for that matter, your physical and mental strengths. You babe are my man and today, as most days, I celebrate you. And love you so much. Valley

Thinking of you Marsha. Glad that today was better than yesterday for you. Me too. I have been down lately and crying more and yelling and longing and wondering why I keep stumbling into this pit. But today, at least for now, I have crawled back up and feel brave enough to take on a new day. We are proud of you Marsha...all you have coped so well with. Joe would be proud of you too. Onward, Valley

Boo You are missed when you are away and always loved. Valley

Hi Ted, You should be proud of yourself for getting your financial stuff in order in only 2 months. I am impressed. Yes it is ironic that you feel financially more secure than when you partner was alive. I have seen this happen several times with friends. I am a dual citizen and have found my sitution to be so slow and if I don't take the initiative at all times in all areas things just stall out. My husbands mother died two months before he died. There was a legal line of succession and all papers were in order for both people. But in two months things had not legally passed to my husband so I have been trying to move things along as I was the next person in line. And I am operating in two different countries, with different rules governing these issues. So after a year I am still dealing with it all. Sometimes I need a break from it all and just put my head on the pillow and forget it all. Indulge myself in my sadness and not try to figure anything out. I am sure if I was on it everyday...in offices, on the phone, writing letters I would be much further along. But I feel weak and stressed and too sad to move sometimes and the only thing I can do is NOTHING. So I think you have done amazingly well. Take care, Valley

Kat, I agree. This is a terrible journey. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband also died from cancer, a complication from it. He dropped dead on the floor infront of me as we were busy trying to do everything we could medically to heal him. We always had hope. I suppose if he had died months later, in hospital, in pain, we would have both realized that he was actually not going to make it. We might have said different things to each other. I will never know. We did tell each other how much we loved one another. We always did that. Tom also always told his kids how proud he was of them and how much he loved them. So basically the main things were said. But guilt! Yes, it seems so hard not to replay each move, each decision, each doctors appointment and think....we should have, we could have. I still let my mind go into this area of guilt and then I pull away. If we had only changed this or that....the outcome might have been different. I know in my heart I would have done anything to SAVE Tom. Take care, be gentle now with yourself, and just handle today. Valley

Dear Linda, It is horrible to lose the one you love. And so, so difficult; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. My partner died 13 months ago and I still miss him horribly. But.....it does change. I feel like I am still grieving but I have happy days too. For some reason this past week has been especially hard for me, but I know I need to refocus and move forward and take charge of my life a bit. I have fallen into a bit of a pit, feeling sorry for myself and feeling sorry for Tom to have lost his wonderful life to cancer. But I have been better than this during this long and awful year, so I know it is possible. It will be for you too. Life changes and you have family and friends who love you and will encourage you to move forward. The grief is all so new for you and of course it seems intolerable. I felt just like you. You will survive and find things in life to love again. Being alone is hard. I agree. Not only is it hard to be alone after enjoying the companionship of someone special, but I was also afraid in my own house. That has more or less passed. I am not afraid at home. It was a huge hurdle for me. But lonely....yes. As winter nears I long to make plans with Tom for where we might go for a few weeks to escape the snow and ice. Each day is a huge step forward for you now. Let your friends help you out. It will ease, some of the intense pain Take care, Valley

Hi Mary Linda, My Tom died 13 months ago and like you, the last few days I have been so sad and crying a lot too. Maybe it is fall. Maybe the cold coming on. I have been recouperating from a back operation and moving very slowly around my house and outside. My strong Tom would have made all of this so simple for me, and kept me more invovled. My son planted garlic for me yesterday and I stood out in the garden with him and told him how to do it. He works so fast and is only doing it because I asked, as vegetable gardening is "not his thing". We came into the house and I was sore because of course I just had to do a few things that required bending and a little pulling, all no no's right now. I sat down and started crying and every negative thing imaginable flooded into my head. My future responsibilities and mostly.........nothing is really fun without Tom. As fun. My son felt bad but was understanding. He knows how much I miss his dad. So I did grip up and we ended the afternoon on a more positive note. I try hard to hold things together infront of my kids as I know they both suffer inside when they see me down. They love me. I have gone out to eat alone a few times, mostly when I am traveling. I don't like it really. You cannot help but hear everyone elses conversations even if you take a book along. But the thing I do alone and I can enjoy is going to movies. Tom and I use to go to movies a lot and now I still do. The first few times were hard as I kept reaching over to the seat next to me, trying to find Tom. Now I just go and enjoy the experiences. Driving home of course there is no one to talk the movie over with. It is all these little things that make me so sad. I can go with friends and sometimes do. But in all truth, as much as I love my friends, and I do......they are not Tom. He and I spoke the "same language" and were "real" with each other. It is that I miss. From arguments to silliness, we understood each other. I hope you are feeling better. Valley

Happy Birthday Kay! You have helped so many with your kindness and point of view...... Now I send my love to you. Valley

jrm, You had a plan. You carried it out. Give yourself credit. Tears are ok too, little drops of love masked as sadness. I know this doesn't help, but be glad you had the energy to carry out something that you felt might make you feel better. Valley

Hi All, Last night as I tried to go to sleep, and was telling Tom I love him as I still do each night, I thought of one way in which I have changed for the better. I am no longer totally afraid to be alone in my house at night. I use to be so scared and listened to every creak and crack in the wood, to the wind in the trees, to the sounds of cars out on the road. In my almost 40 years with Tom I wasn't alone much. And he was so strong and so take-charge, I just left that part of the worry to him. Not that he worried. He wasn't afraid of any of that. Or so it seemed. But I was. The few times he would be away I acted like a ninny in my own home. Shut the curtains, keep my eyes open in the darkened room and listen while my heart raced. In our own home! Now I have to grip up. To become comfortable in the home that we both loved. And for the most part, I HAVE. I like to think that Tom is watching me and he would be so proud of me. I have to find some things that I now can do that I didn't bother doing before as I navigate this lonely sea. And yes, I know that Tom would be pleased, as he loved our place as much as I do. A friend came by the other day and said, "you can feel Tom in the house" and I had to laugh inside me. Well yes. His shoes are by the door, his hat on the hook by the door, his paintings on the walls, his clothes in the closet.......yep, he is here, big time. Photos of him peek out all over the place. Now I have to quit sitting and get up. But I wonder, what new strength have you GAINED as you suffer such horrible loss. In peace, Valley

Hello All, It has been one year and weeks since my Tom died. I have felt his presence 4 times and hope for it everyday. Two times I felt like he came for me, to me, to say.....he is ok and that i will be too. Both of those times my daughter was sleeping in the house too while visiting me. I think that meant that I was more relaxed with her here and so could be more open to Tom. Two times I saw him in a dream. Happy dreams, but not really about me. What I want in my life is to have him come to me in dreams, or in any other fashion. Just a glimpse makes me happy. I understand what you all say and have that same desire. I do feel that he lives inside me too. I am the person I am because of our many years together and how we "rubbed off" on each other. I carry his spirit in me too. It is not as good as the real thing, but at least it is something and I am a better person for it. Valley

Marsha, Like you and Joe, Tom and I usually said "I love you" as we went to sleep each night. If I only had 5 minutes with Tom again, like you I would want to know if he was ok, if he could see and know how great his kids are and how much they help me. Often when I was cooking or washing dishes Tom would walk up behind me and put his arms around my waist and kiss my neck. It felt so great. I would turn to face him and we would hug and kiss. Simple, no words, just sweet and loving and close. And in spring, summer and fall we would sit on the top step of our porch and have a drink before dinner and talk about what we had done that day. I loved that and so did Tom. Our little ritual of communication and winding down the "work day". So for my 5 minutes either of those jestures would be wonderful as we spoke to each other and shared our love. But I am greedy and couldn't stand only 5 minutes. But of course wouldn't it be wonderful. There were times in our relationship that I could not imagine that we could ever choose to be apart. I knew inside myself that no matter what happened we were in this for the long haul. Other times in our 39 plus years, I felt the uncertainty of life, of relationships, of watching our friends marriages split up, of my own insecurities .....thinking that could happen to me, because anything can happen to anyone. But the longer we were together, the more I believed in the on-going nature of "us". I never believed that Tom would die though, or at the very least he would become an old man, or live into his 80's like his father. In some ways I still cannot believe he is gone....that strong, strong, vibrant man. Yep, give me 5 more minutes. Now! Love to you Marsha, Shelley

Clothes still hanging on Tom's side of the closet one year later. I am in no hurry and have lots of room. I wear his tee shirts to bed at night. There are no rules. Do what works for you. And mostly, take care. Shelley

jrm, Losing your husband, your best friend, is unbelievably painful. I send you my love as I do know what you feel like and I am so sorry for you. It must have been such a shock to have the doctors tell you that both of you will be ok, and then to lose your partner. You need to heal your body now as you grive. It will be a lot of work and painful for you. We will be here to support you in any way we can. A shoulder to WRITE on. Take care, Valley...Shelley

Susie, I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. It is devastating to lose the one you love. The pain is tremendous, unlike anything I had ever known. It is still so new for you and you are tender. Like you I often needed to be alone even when friends were reaching out to me. They all were very understanding when I said I was not up to going out, but please ask me again. I could talk to people on the phone and that sometimes helped without putting me in a situation where I didn't know how long I could hold up if I had actually gone out. You need to do what you feel like doing now, not what other people want you to do. Your friends will understand. My husband died a little over one year ago. I have just gone through a major back surgery and have finally come home again after spending a few days with my daughter. I miss Tom terribly. I cannot bend, lift or even sit for more than 20 - 30 minutes at a time, but I went through with this operation. It would be so great to have Tom come sit on the bed as I lay flat and tell me some funny thing he did that day. Or walk with me out in the yard making sure I don't slip. Or cook dinner. Mostly just talk to me. Love me. For me, after one year, life is different. There are many good parts to my life and I am more emotionally stable than during the first year. The longing for Tom is still enormous. Creating a future without him is still impossible for me to contemplate, eventhough I am one year into that new future. My life is different. But that absolute raw emotion that grief brought to me is somewhat less intense. I do not cry everyday. I laugh with friends. I have my best and most honest discussions with my grown children. And yet last night I ended up yelling for Tom to come home, to find me again, to be with me. But most nights now, I read, watch TV,listen to music and sleep. I miss him every day, miss the fun and closeness we shared, and yet here I am. One year later. Living life. You will survive even if you think that you cannot handle the pain. Each day is one step forward and that is maybe all that you should think about now. Live today. Then tomorrow, live that day. Hugs to you and again, I am sorry for your loss. Valley.....Shelley

Carrieboo, I am proud of you! Really proud. You are moving along with your life and all the obstacles that life presents us with.....and then you hit bottom...again. You have a lot to be pleased about and you made that happen. My husband has been dead one year now and it is hard to imagine creating a new future to me, as I am still doing the things that have to be done, not something new. I am sending my love to you and go ahead and finish that MA, even if you don't seem to have the ability to concentrate right now. That is a problem I have had this whole year....ability to focus and concentrate. Take in that breath, hold it, let it out through your mouth. Valley

Jo, Wonderful to hear from you. We all have been pulling for you and concered. Take care of yourself right now and the other things will evolve in their own time. You are what is important now and your focus needs to be on "you" and healing. May Spain's medical system work well for you. Thinking of you and sending my love, Valley

Paula, I am wishing you peace and a good journey as you fulfill the wishes of your Tom. It sounds like an adventure that you are both going on together. Much love to you. I am sure what you have written, coming from your heart, will be meaningful to all. Take care, Valley

Hello All, I think each word all of you have written, I also have. Today is the anniversary of my Tom's memorial service one year ago. Has life gotten better? Life is just different. I write this on my son in law's computer as I am staying at my daughters a few days after being released from the hospital after spinal surgery. I am still taking morphine so pardon me if I FALL off topic. The surgeon said all went well, but at the moment I have two numb toes on my "good" foot. Something I did not have before, although the pain down my leg and in my hip seems better. As I was being pushed into the operating room I saw Tom's face. And then tears started to come so I let go of him. I knew that being strong and steady and still right then was the best place for me at that moment. And I did that. I did not let myself fall apart. When I was finally wheeled out of the post op room (recovery room) I looked up into the faces of my son and my daughter. And that gave me reason to try really hard for a recovery that would bring strength and independence and activity back to me. Is life better? No, not mine. But do I have reason to live and to grow as a person? Yes. I have these two grown children that I want to be there for, as they have been for me. And for my friends, who have shown such concern and caring. Of course I would give anything to slide my hand into Tom's right now and know that when I get home he will bring me coffee in bed and take walks with me in the yard....and yes, even yell at me.....quit bending over! Love to you all. Your friend, Shelley

Dear Mary, I hope that your Out Of The Darkness Walk will give you some strength and power as you go through this 6 month anniversary. My heart goes out to you. To lose a partner under any circumstances is tramatic and that is what we all share here as we try to navigate this new space. Much love and strength to you. Shelley

Kath, Hope your back is better today. I wanted to thank everyone for their good wishes for me. Kath somehow the things you say just seem so wise and to the point. Your words resonate with me. I am touched when you say that asking for help humbles us and that we need to be brave enough to reach out for help. I have a stubborn streak in me that wants to do everything by myself....unless I did it with Tom. He was the one I could ask things from, or freak out to and sometimes be mean or sometimes be totally open. I felt more real with him than with anyone. And we always helped each other. I digress. I wanted to say that you teach me lessons by your words that I need to learn to grow into a fuller person. Thank you. My son will be here any minute and we are off for our 5 hour drive through the mountains to have surgery tomorrow morning. Love to all, Shelley

Hi Kath, Tom's body was always way warmer than mine. On a cold night I would stick my ice cold feet up against him and warm up. Yes, how we miss that other person. Speaking of backs....I found out several months ago I have lumbar spinal stenosis. I am scheduled to go in the hospital this coming Tuesday for back surgery. As I live rurally, I have to travel 5 hours to the hospital. My son will take time off and get me there and then a week later come and get me. Or whenever I am released (they say around 5 days). I have put this off a long time but decided that instead of going on stronger pain meds I would see if this will help. Talk about missing Tom now. He would take me. He would be there when I came out of surgery. He would bring me home and be the one to help me. I am a person who does not like to ask for help. I am private in many ways. Now I need some help. My friends have all offered to help out, even to have me stay at their homes for recovery. My son and daughter offer the same. All I can think of is.........do the surgery......get home....get in my own bed.....be on my own. I had a thought shortly after Tom died ...that in an emergency....there would be no one to call, no one that would even care. It freaked me out. In this year I have learned that many people care and especially my children. My friends have been great. But oh how I long for Tom to be by my side as I under go spinal surgery. Back to your idea of a warm body up against you......I call that love and healing power. So fine. Your friend, Valley (Shelley)

Boo, This was the Cliff who was smart enough to share his life with his wonderful Boo. The love, humour and understanding you expressed in Cliff's Eulogy is so fine. Thank you for sharing it. Valley