LindaKoz

I've not yet found the courage to sleep in our bed. I've been sleeping on the sofa and I know that I'm not getting enough uninterrupted sleep. But I just find the thought of laying in the bed we used to share so overwhelming and sad. I don't know if I can be there by myself. Too many memories which will bring tears. Reminders that the alarm clock won't be going off early for him and he won't be wrapping his arms aound me and holding me close after I hit that snooze button just one more time. I won't ever hear him joking about the fact that even though he was twice as large as me I took up most of the bed and almost all of the covers. Or, he won't be "complaining" when I wake up in the middle of the night and turn on the tv because I can't sleep and then it wakes him up. And, he never really complained about these things . . . he actually loved me in spite of all of this. He was just so happy that we met and were sharing our lives together. I miss everything about Brian. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Korina, I'm glad to hear that you had a good day with your family. You give me hope that somehow I can make it through this loss. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Morning and nights are the worst. I sit here again trying to get myself motivated to get ready for work when all I really want to do is crawl back under the covers, fall asleep, and pretend my life has not taken this horrible turn. I miss Brian so much. Right now he would be leaving for work and I should hear him calling to me "Bye sweetie, have a nice day." I miss his smile, I miss his words, I miss his hugs, I just miss everything about him. I miss my text messages as I'm leaving for work which usually would say "I love you so much and you are so beautiful. Love me forever." Well, I will love him forever and I will miss him forever. I just didn't know that I would be here by myself. I thought we have many many more years together. I try to remember to take babysteps and not to look to far into the future. But when I forget, I just get this overwhelming sadness at what my life will look like. Yesterday my son told me that I was strongest woman he knew. I told him I didn't think I was very strong. He reminded me that I raised him by myself -- I told him his dad (we've been divorced for 17 years) was also in his life. He told me he knew that I was the one who did all of the hard work and that he was proud to have me as his mom. His words are sweet and I know that he realizes all of the sacrafices I made. I also know that he's worried about me. He saw the love between Brian and me blossom. He told me he could see how much Brian loved me and how much I loved him. He told me that we were perfect together. I just cannot understand how I could find the perfect man and then lose him after 3 1/2 years. My mind cannot make any sense of this loss. I guess time will heal or soften this wound. So for now, I'll breathe, rest, and try to go on. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved father. The grieving process is unique to each individual. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you are feeling. I recently lost my boyfriend who was 53. He had five children ages 13 through 25. I have a lot of contact with them and I see that they are all grieving in a different manner. There is no right or wrong. Try to take care of yourself and talk with you family and friends as you feel you can. My prayers are with you as you walk this new journey. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well, today turned out to be comforting. I love Brian's grandson. He told me that he loves me soooooooooo much and missed me. Next Saturday I'm going to pick him up in the afternoon and he'll spend the night with me. He's almost five and he just really warms my heart and puts a smile on my face. I'm really glad that Brian's children want to keep in touch with me. We already made plans for next Sunday. I know deep in my heart that Brian was looking down on us tonight and smiling becase most of the people who he loved dearly were together. I just really wish he had been here in person. Thanks for all of the support and the affirmation that everything I feel is in the realm of "normal." Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm sitting on the sofa knowing that I should get dressed and ready for Sunday School and Church. But, I just cannot seem to get motivated. It's just so hard to go on some days. Last night my son and four of his friends hung out at our home. We stayed up talking and laughing until about 1:30. It really warmed my heart that they were willing to be with me. And, nobody tried to change the subject when I spoke of Brian. But then as I was ready to fall asleep, the thought came back to me that Brian should have been with us. He was the life of any family get together. Today will be another bittersweet day. Four of Brian's five children and two of his three grandchildren will be coming over later this afternoon. It's always comforting to see them and besides my son, they are the people who knew Brian the best. But, there is also sadness because, again, he should be with us. Right now we should be talking about what we are making for dinner (Brian was the cook in our family). We should be getting ready for church together, the heading to the gym, and finally getting the house straightened up for when everyone comes over. Why did this happen to us? We loved each other so very much and I just don't know how to keep going on day after day after day. Sometimes it enters my mind that each day I get through brings me one day closer to being in his arms again. I just long for the time when we can be together. This doesn't mean that I will do anything stupid because that would just be too hurtful to my son and my other family and friends. It's just that I miss him so much and want to be with him. How will I get through this without the many who was my comforter? How can I continue to go on without my main supporter? How can I get through life without my soulmate and my love? Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Korina, my thoughts and prayers are with you on these difficult days. Wish I had some words of wisdom but all I can say is that it sounds like you are making wise decisions by planning ahead. I'll remember that as I approach the one month date (10/23) which is quickly approaching. I hadn't really thought about what I would do on that date. I have CDs with a lot of Brian's favorite songs on them (my sister made them for his memorial service). I also drive with tears running down my face. While it is painful to listen, it also helps to remember. I just wish this would get easier. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks everyone for your kind words and concern. I know that I am in the right place. Today a friend from church who lost her beloved husband almost three years ago picked me up and took me to lunch. It was so good to be in her presence because she has an idea of how I feel. And, her words to me were that she doesn't know exactly how I feel because we all experience grief in our own unique way. She reiterated what I've been reading and hearing on these boards . . . don't try to look too far in the future and be gentle with myself. Well, it was good to get out of the house and with her I didn't have to pretend to be stronger than I am and if tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks, it was ok. I could just be me in all of my pain and grief. She also knew Brian and it was okay to talk about him as much as I wanted to. What a blessing to be with her. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

While most of my family and friends are so supportive, kind, loving, and understanding, I have encountered two people at work who don't understand, don't get me, and just can't seem to keep quiet. The one woman approached me after seeing me crying in the ladies room. She said that she knows I'm not really a "drug" person but thinks I should consider seeing a doctor for some time of anxiety drugs. I guess I'm not supposed to cry even though it had only been 3 weeks since Brian passed away. She then went on to tell me that one day I would be "just as happy." Really? And she knows this how? Brian and I met 3 1/2 years ago and I had never been so honestly happy in my entire life. My true friends have told me that they watched our love blossom and that we both got a big smile on our face and a glow in our eyes when we spoke of each other. I'm fairly sure I will never experience the same happiness in this life . . . perhaps when I am called to be with Brian and God again. Another person at works insists on telling me that God had a path and a purpose for me and I guess she's implying that is why Brian died. Well I believe in a God who is all love and I believe in a God who is always with me, but I do not believe in a God who decided that Brian should have to die so that I could have a different purpose or path in my life. I'm a seminary student and some day will become a Pastor of a Chaplain. My God would never intentionally place this pain in my life. My dreams, hopes and goals were set. Brian and I had plans for the next 25-30 years of our lives. He died from an infection which raged out of control, not because God wanted to change my future. What do we do when people are insensitive? How do we respond? I'm so sad and bereft that I don't have the energy to argue with them. I try to avoid talking to these two individuals and rather turn to the friends I know who will let me cry, will give me a hug, will agree there are no reasons. In actuality these are the friends who knew Brian and are also reeling from the loss. I just wish some people would learn that it is better to say nothing or to admit that they know they don't have words to heal my pain. Just give me a hug. Just let me talk about Brian. Just listen!!! Ok . . needed to get that out of my mind for the day. I'm thankful to have this site to purge the thoughts which torture me if I keep them in side. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I would like to stay in our home forever but it's probably not realistic. We rent a three bedroom home and it's just going to be too expensive for me in the long run. I think I can comfortably stay here until sometime in the summer so that gives me about 9 or 10 months. My loss is fresh (less than a month) so I don't even want to think about going through Brian's belongings. It's just too overwhelming. I suppose time will help but I just can't seem to totally believe that right now. I just want him back because it hurts. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm just wondering if I will ever have good days again. I made the decision not to go to work today. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've not been able to get myself to sleep in our bed so I sleep on the sofa with the tv on all night -- it's not really a restful sleep. Today is a dreary, rainy day and I just wanted to stay in Brian's clothing and retreat from the world. I will be seeing some friends tonight (they are going to pick me up) so I'm really permanently withdrawing. Sometimes I just want to be by myself with my memories. Hoping this is normal. I'm also a seminary student so I keep trying to find time to focus on my studies. Brian was my biggest supporter and he told me I was going to be a great Pastor some day. Right now I'm working on an assignment but I have to do small amounts at a time. The passage I've chosen to explore is Romans 8:26-39 which speaks of the Holy Spirit offering comfort and the fact that nothing -- not even death -- can separate us from the love of God. My professor directed me to this passage for the assignment and I do find some solace as I explore the meaning. I'm not angry at God because I view God as all-loving and always present. And, I know that God comes to me in the form of the many angels who make sure that I eat, sleep, and breathe. So, where can I direct my anger? I'm not mad at Brian -- he just didn't realize how sick he was. I'm not mad at myself because I didn't know either. We thought he had the flu and would be better in a few days. Should I just be mad at the fact that we are humans and not able to cure all illnesses? Should I just let go of the anger and try to focus on healing? Sometimes I feel like I am not going to get through this. I just want to scream and cry and mostly want him back. I guess I needed to get some of these thoughs out of my head. It helps me to write them down. So glad I found this place where I can be me and learn how to live again. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks everybody for sharing all of these special songs. Music was a huge part of my fiancee's life. He played guitar, banjo, and mandolin and wrote beautiful songs. But my best (and saddest) memory occurred shortly after we met. I was in Boston for the weekend and Brian called me on the phone. He played and sang "Song for Ireland." It is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard and I knew that I was falling in love with this man. He sang it to me many more times during our 3 1/2 years together. I listen to Dick Gaughin's version (which is probably the best next to Brian's) almost every day in my car and my tears flow. I also have a CD on which Brian and some friends performed the so "Bread of Life" by John Michael Talbot. He starts the song off playing guitar and singing by himself. It is such a treasure to have this gift. For Brian's memorial service my sister put together some CDs with his favorite songs (he has a passion for celtic music) and I play these CDs daily. I just miss him so much and try to find any connections I can. Sadly, the songs he wrote are mostly lost because he didn't write/read music but played by ear. Although we have the lyrics, we are not able to replicate the music. I'm hopeful that our church has audio copies of some of the services where he played his songs. I would love to hear them now. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Song for Ireland

Brian has not come to me in my dreams and I'm not sure whether I could handle it or not. Perhaps he will come to me when my mind is ready? I do believe in other signs. Last weekend I went to the beach with a friend. As we were walking on the beach watching the surfers (Brian had been a surfer in his younger days), a big butterfly began to follow us up the beach. I had also seen a huge butterfly a week earlier at work as I was struggling with my emotions. And, the next day at the beach I looked out the balcony and saw a butterfly below me. I did get a sense of peace and calmness so I believe Brian was trying to tell me that all will be well. I hope it was him and I hope he continues to come to me in many different ways. I will keep looking.

I am so glad that I joined this site. Reading your responses helps me to deal with the thoughts and emotions which are running through my mind. I lost Brian 3 1/2 weeks ago. Since that time I have been wearing his clothes to bed and when I'm just hanging around our home. The thought of going through all of his belongings or getting rid of his things is just too painful to consider at this time. But I did discover some treasures as I went through some of his drawers. Brian was a musician and wrote beautiful songs. About two years ago he wrote a beautiful song about how he felt about having me in his life. Then, he lost the paper on which he had written the words. I found it and it was a wonderful reminder of how much he loved me. It helped me realize that he never would have left me if there had been any other option. I also asked his children if they wanted to take any of his clothing -- thought they might also find comfort in wearing one of his sweatshirts or t-shirts. His daughters agreed but his son did not want to take anything. I guess the reminders are too much for him to bear right now (he's 18). I guess for now I will continue to face life one moment at a time. It's difficult but I'm doing the best that I can.

Hi Bam, From what I've read the stages of grief are different for everyone. I lost my fiance on 9/23. The first two weeks passed because I was numb and my mind tricked me into thinking that Brian would come home, that he really wasn't gone forever. Slowly the reality of this loss has been sinking in but not totally. I really don't have any words of wisdom because my loss is fresh and new. But, perhaps we can walk through this valley together because I understand. That's the reason I joined this group. I can express my pain and angst and others will just know what I'm feeling. My heart really goes out to you. Remember to breath, eat when you can, and take care of yourself. I wish that I had a magic forumla to make all the pain go away. But, we loved so much which I guess makes the loss so great. Peace, love, and blessings to you. Linda

Thanks everyone for the messages and the support. I do get the griefshare e-mails and will consider attending meetins in the future. I'm just not ready right now. It helps to read all the posts on here and to know that I'm not alone. I try to be as strong as I can and to go on but sometimes I think people believe I am stronger than I am. For, you see, Brian was my strength and my foundation. I have to relearn who i am on my own. I have a 19-year-old son who is in his sophmore year at college and he's really wonderful. He's only about 40 minutes away so I will get to see him as often as possible and he calls me frequently to check on me. Brian had five children (ages 13 through 25) and three grandchildren (4 1/2, 20 months, and 8 weeks). They will continue to be in my life and it is such a blessing to see our grandchildren. I want to be able to tell them all of my stories about Brian as they grow up. I remember Brian's joy when his latest grandson, Willem, was born. We were at the hospital and got to see him shortly after his birth. Brian was filled with joy and in the pictures you can see him beaming. Right now it is just so sad that he will not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. And, that's what is so unfair about his death, he will miss so much -- his daughter will graduate from college in May, he has children who are not married yet, and his youngest daughter is only 13. I know that he is with us always and that he lives on in our hearts and our memories but I guess it is just too soon to find this comforting. Comfort is fleeting at best. I'm trying to be gentle with myself by making sure I eat, drink water, sleep, and breathe. My one good friend is a nurse so she checks on me every day at least once. There are so many angels in my life for which I am extremely thankful. And, God is my partner on this new journey. Thanks again for the support. It really does help. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

This is my first post on this site. 3 1/2 weeks ago I lost the love of my life, Brian. We met 3 1/2 years ago and almost immediately knew that we were meant for each other. Our relationship blossomed and we planned to get married in a year or so. We were both divorced and amazed that we had finally found true, genunie love. I'm 48 and he was 53. We had so much fun during our time together. Our conversations were easy and endless. Brian was more than my fiancee, he became my best friend. He was genuine, humble, talented (played guitar, sang, and wrote songs). He loved me in a way that I had never experienced before. He accepted me for who I am and never asked that I change. And, I loved him back unconditionally. Four days before he passed away he experienced flu-like symptoms. Apparently he also developed some type of infection in his leg -- not sure what it was. The infection got into his blood stream and then he was gone. I never knew that I could feel so much pain and emptiness. I don't want to eat. I don't sleep very well. I just want him back and I know that it won't happen until my time on earth is through. Thankfully I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends. And, I have faith that God is walking with me through this valley of grief. But, some days I just don't know how I am ever going to be able to live my life day after day without Brian. I've gone through the should haves and could haves in my mind to no avail. I've asked why a million times but there are no answers. I've read some of the posts on here and I realize what I'm feeling and experiencing go hand in hand with the grief process. But, the pain is so new and so raw. Comfort is fleeting. I just thought this might be a good place to join so I could talk to others who understand and can empathize. All replies and suggestions are welcome. Peace and blessings, Linda