LindaKoz

Hi Gayle, The hurt and guilt are part of the grieving process. I wish that I could erase all of your pain but I am discovering there is no easy way out of the shadows in which we now walk. I lost my fiancee 6 1/2 weeks ago and the pain is mostly unbearable. The best advice I have received is to be gentle with myself, to remember to breathe, to eat when I can, to rely on the strength of family, friends and God, and to rest. In the short time since Brian passed away, I've experienced numbness, guilt, anger, deep sadness, pain, and the unbearable longing to be with him. These are stages we will walk through and they are very fluid. Just when I think I'm letting go of the guilt, it rears its head again. I hear that time will ease the pain but I'm not even close to that point yet. There are many people on this site who will listen, will offer comfort and support, and will understand the depth of your loss. I'm sending hugs and compassion your way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I understand. Go ahead and cry, scream, yell, throw something that you don't want, beat a pillow, write a letter to your husband. Do whatever you need to do to release those emotions. It is hard. It hurts really bad. I wish I had words which would erase your pain. I wish we didn't have to walk this grief journey. Remember to be gentle with youreslf. Remember that your loss is so fresh and so new. We are here to offer you love, compassion, and support. We all walk this path together. Hugs from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Brian and I used to look forward to the weekends. Usually we had something fun and exciting that we wanted to do. But even if we had no plans, we still had fun together. Now, I can't wait for the weekend to be over. Yesterday morning I was doing some homework for my class and my mind began to believe on some level that Brian waas at work (he was a letter carrier so he worked most Saturdays). I guess I tricked myself into believing all was "normal" and that he would be home after work. Of course the realization that he would not be coming home hit me and my emotions became overwhelming. I cried a lot yesterday. I screamed and yelled at the injustice. How can I continue to make it through the days which used to be our favorite? I struggle to do anything more that I absolutely have to do. Today I wish I could just sleep the entire day away because then I don't have to think. I don't have to remember. This grief journey is so hard and I am so tired. It seems like any small progress I make can be erased by the sadness which permeates throughout my entire soul. There is no where to run. There is no where to hide. Reality follows me wherever I go. And the memories I cherish continue to torment me. I know six weeks is a short time to have processed the trauma of this shocking loss but it is a long time to live without the man I love. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I understand. The month date was just so very difficult. I couldn't believe that I had lived a month without Brian. Hold on to those memories and to your love. When I read your words, I can feel the depth of your love. How beautiful it is to read that he thought you were the best thing that happened to him . . . Brian used to say that to me also. I guess it is true that when love is so great and so deep, the loss will be just as deep and so very painful. Honor all the emotions you are feeling. Be very gentle on yourself. This loss is new and the trauma is great. I'm here to listen whenever you need me. Hugs from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Amy, I think I'm going to start going to the grief support group. I plan to attend a grief seminar later this morning on surviving the holidays. I am scared to face Thanksgiving and Christmas without Brian. There is also a group which meets weekly and I think I will start to attend. Thanks for sharing your experience and for the encouragement. Life is so hard right now but we need to find a way to live and to survive. Peace, love, and blessings to you my friend. Linda

Hi Marsha, Thank you. I know that my wound is still raw and fresh. I am trying to honor each and every emotion and feeling that I am experiencing. I feel so fragmented and so lost. I try not to look into the future because it becomes so overwhelming. Sometimes the pain just takes control. Today is a very bad day. I've screamed, I've cried, I've felt as if I cannot go on. Fortunately my son is home for the evening. He has held me as I cried and told me that I must keep trying because that is what Brian would want. Brian wants me to live. Some days it is not what I want but I keep going with the hope that one day the pain will ease just a bit. I'll live for Brian who was so filled with life and laughter. I'll go on so that he can live through me. I'll live with the knowledge that God is with me and one day when it is time God will reunite me with Brian. With God there is always hope. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, it's another bad day. Getting ready to go pick up my son. Hope it helps to be with him. Last night three friends came over and it was a "better" night. We had some pizza and drank some wine. I'm really fortunate to have a video of Brian which was taped at our church. It's only about 2 minutes long but he's answering questions about God. Sometimes it's hard to watch and other times it is a comfort. I also have two audio recordings of Brian singing and playing guitar. Again, they are bittersweet but at least I can hear him. We watched and listened to these memories last night. We are all having a hard time dealing with this loss. Today it is a beautiful sunny day. For a while my mind tricked me into believing it was a normal Saturday with Brian at work and me at home studying. Then the reality hit me and I sobbed uncotrolbably. I started yelling and screaming at God. While I don't believe that God actually took Brian away, I needed to release the sadness and anger which were welling up in my soul. It is an injustice. I want to get off this grief journey. Thanks again for listening my friends. Somehow, someway, we will make it and we will experiencing healing. I guess it just takes a longe time. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

So after a few "relatively" better days, today I just feel so sad and so heartbroken. Everything I do and everywhere I go there are reminders of Brian. I'm sitting at work right now and tears are roling down my cheeks. I just don't know how to put the pieces of myself back together. I am so fragmented and so filled with grief. I know that it's only been a bit over six weeks and perhaps I am just expecting too much from myself. When will it get easier? When will the overwhelming sadness begin to ease? I miss Brian so much and I just continue to feel it is just unfair that our life together was cut way too short. I am surrounded by love, support, and comfort but I long and ache only for Brian to comfort me. I know that he is with me and I know that God is holding me up, but I want to physically feel Brian puts his arms around me and tell me that all will be well. I am also exhausted. The past two nights I actually fell to sleep before 1:00 a.m. and only woke up once or twice during the night. But, I still feel drained physically, mentally and emotionally. I guess I will try to rest as much as possible over the weekend. My son is going to come home from college Saturday afternoon and stay until Sunday evening or Monday morning. At least our home won't be empty for a few days. Thanks again for listening to my laments. I guess I just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my mind. Does anyone else feel like they are going crazy sometimes? Hugs to you all. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Good morning, Rochel, I tried several times to put a pic of Brian and me on this site but it didn't work. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Your post mirrors what I'm feeling and doing. I keep reading and searching for a "cure" which will make this intense sadness go away -- if even for a short while. I turn to God and ask for relief and I constantly ask Brian to give me the strength to go on. He was my foundation in life and I really need him to be my strengh even though he's not physically present. I also try to keep busy -- work, school, seeing friends and family. I don't like being home alone too much because I hear the silence, look at pictures, and become devastated over and over. But, now I am feeling exhausted. Take good care of yourself, my friend. Keep pouring out your pain on this site. We are listening and we are offering you love and support. Somehow we will get through this together. We understand each other's grief. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Paula, it makes me sad to learn how you are being treated by friends and family. Hold on to the true friends and let the others go. You do not need to have any additional stress added to your life. Grief takes its toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. You are right to seek peace on earth -- that should be the dream for us all. I have encountered a few people who were insenstivie and I do my best to avoid them. I surround myself with my friends who are kind, compassionaite, and loving. These are the friends who will sit and listen to me, who will cry with me, who will carry me. I wish you peace, my friend. I'm here to listen and to offer hugs from afar. We will walk this journey together and we will lift each other up. May the prayers and love I'm sending your way help to ease the pain your are feeling. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Rochel, I'm sending hugs and love to you on this very difficult day. We are all walking a journey we wish we never had to experience but one which we cannot avoid. I am thankful that you had such wonderful friends with you today. This is where I see God working in our losses -- the angels who will literally hold us up when we are unable to stand on our own. You are right that what we are all experiencing is not fair. It's not fair to us and it certainly isn't fair to our beloved spouses or significant others. I will always believe that my Brian was cheated. He had so much more life to live. We had so many dreams and hopes for our future. Many days I'm not sure how I am going to continue to go on without him. Most of the time I no longer know who I am. But, I keep trying because that is what Brian would want me to do. And, I know that he is still with me and our love will last forever and always. Walk gently, my friend. Take care of yourself and honor all the emotions which come your way. Cherish the memories you have of Bob and all that he meant to you. He lives on in your heart and your soul. Take one small step at a time. This is the only way we can get through our grief process. I'm hear to listen whenever you need me. I understand your loss as it mirrors my own. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Stuart, I'm glad to hear that you have your "date night" memories. This is something that Brian and I did also. There wasn't a specific night but we just went on dates as often as we could. I imagine these memories are a bit painful right now (they are for me) but hopefully as we begin to heal they will offer solace for our souls. I had an appointment with a Pastoral Counsler this week and she told me that for right now this grief journey is my work. All else (work / school ) is secondary. I have no illusions that it will be easy or that I will get through it quickly, but I know that I must honor each and every emotion as it comes to me. When there is great love, there will be great pain for the loss. From that vantagepoint, I will accept the pain because I am so thankful that I have the great love and the cherished memories. Be well, my friend. Take your time. Grieve for the loss of your beautiful Heidi as long as you need to. Be gentle on yourself. Breathe. I'm here to listen whenever you need me. Hugs from my part of Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Kath. I really needed to read that today. Yesterday was six weeks since Brian passed away. It's still so hard and I needed to be reminded that he lives on through our love. I just miss him so much. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I check my cell phone every morning when I am leaving for work looking for the morning text Brian used to send to me every day. I wish he could text me from heaven. Sometimes I just want assurance that he is ok. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Brian taught me how to love again. I learned that I could be loved for who I am without making any changes. He also taught me how to walk humbly, gently, and kindly with God and with our fellow humans. He was always able to have a conversation with anyone -- friends, waitresses, store clerks. By doing this, he learned about humanity. He also taught me the need for humor and not to take everyting in life so seriously. We took time to have fun -- together, with our children and grandchildren, and with our friends. Now I understand that life is precious and it is indeed important to focus on what's truly important, relationships with our fellow humans. While I continue to miss Brian with all of my soul, I am so very thankful that he was in my life even thought it was too short of a time. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thankfully, I haven't had anyone tell me that I look good. I know that it would probably be a "lie." I don't really have the energy to focus on what I'm wearing, how my hair looks, putting on make-up, etc. And, I think if someone told me that I look good I would burst into tears. Every effort I used to make was a result of Brian looking at me, smiling, and telling me I looked beautiful to him. I miss him . . . . Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi everyone, From my vantage point, it is perfectly acceptable to be angry with God. If you read the Psalms, many are laments where the authors are upset with God and don't understand what is going on. I believe that God is large enough and loving enough to understand our anger. Personally, I don't believe that God took Brian away from me. I think it was an infection. We are human and we live in a imperfect world. I find God in the healing and I honestly believe that God is crying with each and everyone of us as we grieve our great losses. I also think that God comes to us in the form of angels who help us through our grief. A few days after Brian passed away there was knock on my door. It was my professor from when I attended community college several years ago -- she lives a few blocks away. She asked how I was doing and offered to go for a walk with me so I would have a chance to talk. I think that God sent her to me. And, I know that God has sent many other angels my way--the people who have made sure that I eat, sleep, and remember to breathe. I also feel that God works in our coming to this site so we can offer comfort and support to one another. During a service in church on Sunday, our Pastor spoke of God's gift of memory. While the fact that we can remember our times with our beloved holds pain and sorrow for us right now, when we are able to reconnect with the love we experienced, the gift of memory will allow us to retain that love in our hearts and in our souls. Hugs to you all as we walk this grief journey together. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Maybe it was just meant to be one of those sad days. I went to class tonight which is usually helpful because I am surrounded by people who care. Tonight I really wasn't able to talk about my loss -- tears came too easily. I just miss Brian so much and the thought of never seeing him in this life is too much to bear. My life sucks right now and I want the pain to go away. I have an appointment tomorrow with my Pastoral Counselor. I hope that her guidance and compassion will help me deal with this loss in some small way. I need to find a way to be able to continue to go on. Everyone tells me that I am strong and amazing but inside I feel small and weak. I just want him back and I know that nothing I say or do will make this happen. He was such a big, strong man. How could an infection take his life away? Thanks for listening and for offering support, love and encouragement. I cannot begin to tell you all how much this means to me. I know that I am surrounded by love and that I am truly being held up by friends and family. It is just so amazing to come here and find such warmth from people I have never met. Words will never adequately express my thanks. Hugs to you all as we walk through our enormous grief. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Steely, I'm thankful that you found some solace at the counseling session. I have an appointment with my Pastoral Counselor tomorrow. She's someone I used to see regularly and she knows my entire life. I stopped seeing her after I met Brian but I know that she will be able to help me find some peace. I guess it is true that we hurt so much because our love was so great. Tonight I realized that I've been telling myself if I'm good enough and I keep going, I will be reunited with Brian. And my mind wasn't really connecting this with heaven. For some reason I was kind of still telling myself that Brian could come back. As I realized this wasn't going to happen, the tears began flow. One of my mantras when I wake up is that if I get through this day I will be one day closer to being back with Brian. Some days I don't know how I can continue to live my life like this. And then there are some days that are slightly better. I've not had a day when I didn't cry or I didn't constantly remember the huge loss that I'm dealing with, but I have been able to smile and even to laugh on occasion. Some how we will all get through this together. And, I totally understand what you mean when you say that coming to this site keeps you sane. There are definitely moments when I think that nothing will help but then I read the words of encouragement and I am able to face another moment. That's how life is for right now. Keep sharing and we will keep listening. Tell us your memories and your love of Harold. We are here for you and we understand the depth of your loss. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Today there is just an ever-present sadness and my mind keeps replaying memories of Brian. Nothing really happened to trigger the sadness, it's just there. I am approaching the six week date and, though I know in my mind that the loss is still fresh and new, I keep hoping that it will get easier. Sadly, that is not the case today. Yesterday I spent time with two of Brian's daughters, all three of his grandchildren, and my son. The grandchildren came in their Halloween costumes and they looked so cute. I keept thinking that Brian should have been with us. He would have loved to see his little Mario, ladybug, and giraffe. And, then, of course, my mind begans to ask the whys and replay the should haves and could haves. Life just doesn't seem to make any sense . . . . I get up, I go to work, I try to focus on my studies, I'll go to class. I do all of the "normal" things in life but nothing is the same. And, it will never be the same again. I just miss him more than I can bear. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. We were supposed to grow old together. We had so many hopes and dreams. He was my rock and my foundation. I really came alive the day that I met him. Who am I now? Well, thanks for listening all of my new friends. I know we are going through the dark night together. I guess I just needed to get these thoughts off of my mind again. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Steely, While I wish you did not have to walk this grief journey with us, I do want you to know that you have found a place where we understand and where we will listen. We all feel lost and are often overwhelmed by our emotions. We are learning that life can only be faced moment by moment. Your body is numb and is in shock. Be gentle with yourself and honor all that you are feeling. Grief takes a toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. Some of the best advice I received was to rest, to remember to eat and breathe, and to allow myself to grieve in my own unique way. There are no rights or wrongs. I also lost my fiancee, Brian, very suddenly almost six weeks ago to an infection which invaded his bloodstream. On a Tuesday morning we thought he was suffering from flu-like symptoms and the next morning he passed away. My life has become chaos and it is hard to know how to be . . . suddenly I don't know who I am. Slowly I walk through the shadows hoping that in time the pain will subside and the happy memories of our life together will come to the forefront. My friend, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are never alone. Hugs from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Stuart, Thanks for your kind words and for the hugs. This grief journey is the roughest road I've ever walked. There are many things I used to do with Brian that I am unable to do right now. I haven't watched a movie since he passed away. The hours that I sleep fluctuate. I eat only because I need to nourish my body. The joy has left many of the activities we used to enjoy. All we can do is face life one moment at a time. Looking any further ahead than the next moment can be too painful. Remember to breathe. In the beginning that was even hard for me. I remember that I could feel the beginning of panic attacks coming on (numbing of my arms / legs and a difficulty breathing). Coming to this site was really helpful for me so keep pouring out your feelings. You are safe here. We are all in this together and it is so much better than being alone. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I wanted to add another memory of what someone did to make my grief a bit more bearable. My very good friend, Robin, came to the hospital as soon as I called her and told her that Brian passed away. For the past 5 1/2 weeks she has been my angel. She was with me or called me every day for the first four weeks. We spent a weekend together at the beach three weeks after Brian passed away. I know that I can call her any day, any time and she will be there for me. It is these self-less friends who will continue to get me through my great loss. I know that I will never again be the same person that I was before 09/23/2009 but someday I hope to be able to figure out who I am on this new journey that I walk. My one constant is that I have friends and family who will be there for me and I do not have to pretend that life is the same. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Stuart. I really do understand your pain. Brian was much more than my fiancee. He was my best friend and my soul mate. Though we only met 3 1/2 years ago, we knew immediately that we belonged together. We both had been in bad marriages and relationships but found in each other the person we had been seeking all of our lives. While I am thankful for the time we had together, I can't help but feel we have both been cheated -- Brian more so than me. We had so many hopes and dreams. Now I live in chaos and I don't know how I can go on day after day. I think that you will find the people who are best able to help you or to understand are those who have experienced the depth of your losss in their own lives. Before I lost Brian, I was able to sympathize with friends but now I am actually able to empathize because I know how it feels to be in the shadows of this darkness. So, my new friend, keep coming here and share whatever you are experiencing at the moment. We will listen. We will understand. Hugs to you from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda