LindaKoz

Hi Mary Linda, My thoughts are prayers are with you. I'm not going to even pretend to understand this grief journey. Just want to send you hugs and love. Know that when you need to "talk", we are here to listen. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I remember a very wise mentor giving our Adult Ed. class in Church an acronym for what to do when approaching someone who has experienced a great loss. He said to remember KISS -- keep it simple, stupid. For if you don't, you will sound stupid. He went on to tell us that when there are no words, offer a hug. When you don't know what to say, say exactly that. And then, listen. Many of my friends did exactly this and I will be forever thankful for their empathy and compassion. As for those who were insensitive, they really aren't my friends so I'll just try to let it go. Hopefully they will never have to experience someone saying something insentivie when they experience a loss. Thanks for all the wisdom and sharing on this site. I'm so glad I found all of you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Kath, Thanks for all of your love and support. My thoughts are with you today, on your anniversary. Hugs from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Kath. I know that is has only been one month for me and the loss is so fresh and so new, but sometimes I just don't think that I'm ever going to get through the pain. It takes so much effort to want to get up, to want to do anything other than miss Brian. Sometimes when I'm trying to get ready, I realize that I don't even know how to put on make-up, pick out clothing, etc. and these are things that came naturally to me before. I guess maybe it's because it doesn't matter or my brain just isn't functiong the way it used to. I used to love to get ready to go somewhere because Brian thought I was beautiful and would smile when he would see me. Now that he's gone, it just doesn't matter anymore. Hope this makes some sense to someone. I just loved being in love with Brian and now I don't know who I am. When we met, I had been living alone with just my son for the better part of 15 years. I was worried that I would not be able to live with another adult. I thought perhaps I was too used to living life on my own. Brian made it so easy. We talked about everything and rarely had disagreements. We used humor rather than anger which made our relationship so special. I miss him. I want him back. I don't know how to do this every day. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm with you both . . . triggers abound. What cuts to my heart is the mail that is addressed to "The Estate of Brian R. Reed." It just makes me so sad to see those words. And, since Brian was a letter carrier, everytime I see a postal vehicle, a letter carrier or a post office, I break into tears. I hope this subsidese some day but for now it just devestates me. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Rochel. Brian was a really nice guy. He was genuine and humble -- people liked him right away. I was thinking today that he was just such a good balance for me. Sometimes when I get thoughts or ideas in my head, I just start to run with them. He balanced me by listening and grounding me in logic. We were so good for each other. I'm a seminary student and some day I will be a Pastor or Chaplain. My current classes are Theology and Paul & the Early Church. There is actually healing in my assigned readings and right now I'm exploring a passage from Romans -- talks about the fact that nothing can seperate us from the love of God. It's healing and offers hope but I'm too early in my grief journey to be able to remain hopeful at all times. Part of my struggle is that our dreams have been shattered. We envisioned that after I graduated we would move to a warmer climate. I would become the Pastor and Brian would help with the music. He was an incredible musician -- played guitar, mandolin, and banjo. He also wrote beautiful songs. I figured if a church was thinking about calling me as their Pastor but had some doubts they would hear Brian play a few songs and know that we were a team. now I'm alone again . . . . I know that I will persevere and that God will give me new dreams but it's just not going to be the same without Brian. I love him and I miss him -- that's forever. I'm sitting in our home while Connor is playing computer gamess. His laughter brings me much joy but again it is tempered with the fact that Brian should be with us. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Marsha, I wish that I had some words of wisdom. I'm new this site and this grief journey but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. I guess as long as we are honest and accept the emotions we are feeling, we are doing the best that we can. Hugs to you from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Ted, some days it just sucks, doesn't it? My financial situation isn't great right now but I would rather have no money and have Brian back for just one day. We used to dream about what we would do when we won the powerball. In reality, we knew that the chances were slim to none, but we had fun pretending. I'm good with your honesty. Sometimes we need to escape. Yesterday was my one month and I know that I drank more wine this week than I should have but it felt good to be a little bit numb. Hang in there the best that you can. This grief journey is unfolding as a path I wish I didn't have to walk. But at least we can share with each other. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well, it's me again. Yesterday was the one month date and somehow I managed to get through it. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who came to my house and held me up. My one friend has been fighting breast cancer for the past four or five years, but she listens with love and patience. We shared a meal, talked, and I cried when I needed to. Another friend spent the night (she's been my friend for 36 years). I know that I am blessed by these angels but I still want Brian back with me. He was the only person who could really comfort me when I was down. This morning turned out to be a not so great day. While I'm reading my homework assignments, I am distracted. But as soon as I stop the realization that Brian isn't coming home hits me with a force which takes my breath away. How can I continue to live like this? I'm crushed and my spirit is so very broken. Later today I will be picking up his grandson who is almost 5 years old. While our time together will sooth my pain, I know that in the back of my mind I will keep hearing the voice saying that Brian should be with us. We should be taking Connor to a movie and dinner together. When Connor is ready to go to sleep, Brian should take out his guitar and sing him a few songs. Will I think these thoughts for the rest of my life? Will the memories always fill me with pain and tears? I miss him so very much and just cannot imagine how I'm going to be able to live through this grief journey. Pictures are hard to look at but harder to avoid. Yesterday a friend e-mailed me a wonderful picture of the two of us which was taken at her wedding a year or so ago (I'm attaching to thise message0. I keep looking at us together and we were so happy. I guess what I try to hold onto is the fact that Brian was the happiest he had ever been in his life. We had a conversation shortly before he passed away about this fact. And, friends from his work told me at the service that Brian was somewhat depressed before he met me (after his divorce) but once I came into his life, he came to work beaming and telling everyone about me. I try to hold onto this knowledge with the hope that somehow it will ease my soul. But, most of the time I just end of feeling like we were cheated, especially Brian. Thanks for allowing me this space to speak about what I am feeling. I keep hoping for better days and I'll continue to walk this journey of grief. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the loss of your dear father. Hang on to those memories. Perhaps you could start writing letters to him or begin a journal which will help you to keep those memories forever. I lost my fiancee, Brian, one month ago. He had five children (ages 13 throught 25). I see the grief they are all experiencing and it is similiar to what you are feeling. There are no easy answers. We all continue to experience shock at the fact that Brian is really gone. When we are together, we talk about him and share our stories and memories. In this way he will continue to live in our hearts. All you can do right now is cry when you need to, talk with your family and friends, and if you feel the need to scream, go ahead. It is not fair that your father was taken from you. Be gentle with yourself and make sure that you are getting enough rest and nutrition. The grieving process is very hard--physically, mentally, and emotionally. I, too, have found this site to be comforting because we can all relate -- we have all experienced loss. Sending hugs your way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Kat, we are all here to listen to you. Of course it's not fair and you were cheated. I echo the other responses, let the tears flow as you need to. When you feel like screaming, scream. Apparently there is no way around this grief thing but to go right through it. I wish I had words of wisdom but I guess there really aren't any. Sending you hugs from Pennsylvaina. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Tonight two things happend which made me smile. Brian's daughter suggested that perhaps she could spend some nights at our home (with her little baby) when her husband is working during the evening. We both agreed this could help to ease our feelings of being alone and it would make Brian smile to see us taking care of each other. Next I found an essay I wrote for a class three months after we began dating. It was for an interpersonal relations and communications class and I had to write about the communications skills of someone in my life. As I read the essay I realized that even though we only knew each other three months Brian had presented himself as real right away. He never changed and he never tried to change me. We were so blessed to know each other and to have such a warm, loving relationship (even if it was only for 3 1/2 years). People have told me that what we had together was so obvious and that some people never have this chance in their entire lives. Sometimes this is comforting but it also brings tears for the magnitude of the loss. Just needed to share again tonight . . . . Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Susie Q, Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful dream. Brian hasn't visited me in my dreams yet. Perhaps it is because I'm not ready or perhaps it is because I don't get very much sleep. I long for the night when he will visit me and tell me that all is well. Tomorrow marks the one-month date of his passing. Life is really rough right now but I know some day he will come to me in a dream and I will know that he has found peace. This knowledge will give me tremendous comfort. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Chai, I echo the benefits of a journal. My fiance, Brian, passed away a month ago and while I haven't officially started a journal, I have been writing letters to him and also writing some poems. I think the benefits are two-fold. Writing gets the some of the thoughts out of my mind which gives me brief times of peace and it also gives me a path to look back on. Right now my writings are filled with anguish but I hope in the future that will turn toward remembering all of the good memories of our relationship. It will also give me something to share with his grandchildren as they grow older. I don't want to forget anything because I want them to know that their "Boom Boom" was the most incredible, genuine, loving person. So, write when you can and tell your story to all who will listen. It is your story and it is truly sacred. A glance at humanity shows that telling our stories has always been important. Hopefully it will continue to be so. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue along this journey. I know that it is not easy. I hope that your memories will help to ease the pain. Peace, love, and blessings to you, Linda

The first day that I tried to return to work after Brian passed away turned out to be not such a great idea. As I was getting ready to go home and was standing in my friend's office, I looked out her window and a large butterfly which landed on the grass. It stayed there for a few moments and then fluttered around the window. It really warmed my heart. Then when I was at the beach the other weekend, I was watching the surfers and a large butterfly began to follow me up the beach. Brian was a sufer in his youth. The next day I was on the deck at the condo and looked down at the bay and spied another large butterfly fluttering about. I really think that these were signs from Brian. My analogy is that we are caterpillars in this life but when we return to God we become butterflies. I think Brian was trying to tell me that he is now resting in God's beauty but wants to reassure me that all will be well. I can't wait to be with him in God's kingdom. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks for all of the caring and understanding. Last night I stopped by Brian's daughter's house on my way home from school. It was nice to be with her and it was soothing to hold Brian's 12-week-old grandson. We were remember the day he was born and I recall the pure joy on Brian's face as he saw his newest grandson for the first time. There is a picture of Brian and his son-in-law standing by his daughter's beside and she is holding her newborn son. All of their faces are beaming with happiness. How could so much change in so little time? I try really had to go on but I wake up everyday and tell myself if I make it through I will be one day closer to being reunited with Brian. I can't believe that tomorrow will be a month. In some ways it seems like he was just here yesterday and in other ways it seems like I haven't seen him or felt him for a long time. My mind and my body are exhausted. Sometime I just don't know if I can make it through the pain and grief. Thanks again for listening and for offering support. Not sure how I would make it on my own. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Kathy. It's comforting to hear that things will get a bit more manageable. I just miss him so very much. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, I have a Pastoral Counselor who I visited in the past when I was struggling with life issues. We had become very close and she was at Brian's services. I spoke with her about making an appointment in a few weeks -- actually e-mailed her yesterday. She told me that we can work on all of the grief issues, especially the last few days of Brian's life. His death was very sudden and I've been playing the should haves and could haves through my mind. I want to be able to let go and focus on the memories we created during our time together. Personally, I have found it healing to meet with my counselor. Because I am a seminary student and have a relationship with God, I chose a Pastoral Counselor -- bringing God and Jesus into the healing process works for me. Probably the most important piece is to find someone you are comfortable sharing with and who is gentle and experienced in grief issues. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

For the past four days my son has been home from college for a fall break. Today he must go back since he has a class this afternoon. I'm scared becauae now I will be alone again. While Kevin was home I had someone to talk to and when I fell asleep I knew that there was someone in the house with me. The thought of being all alone again is overwhelming to me. The one month date is approaching on Friday and two of my good friends are coming over -- I think they are going to spend the night. Then on Saturday night I'm going to have Brian's grandson who is almost 5 years old with me. At least for two nights I won't be alone. But, I just miss Brian so much and don't know how I can keep going through this grief day after day after day . . . . What if it's too hard? What if I'm not strong enough? It is so hard to face this new life where I walk alone. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

All I can add is my support, love, and prayers. I think the guilt is a "normal" part of grieving because I feel it too. If you think there are things that you didn't say, try writing letters or just speaking to him now. That's what I do. My loss is approaching the one month date and I talk to Brian all of the time. He too was my best friend. Grief is a journey we must all go through. Thankfully we have each other. Peace and blessings to you. Linda

The word that best describes these situations for me is bittersweet. Hang in there and try to just wrap yourself in the love of your grandchildren. Peace be with you . . . . Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I'm not sure where you live and insurance laws vary from state to state, but did you check if there is any coverage available under your motorcycle insurance? In PA we have uninsured / underinsured coverage which will kick in if the person responsible doesn't have insurance or doesn't have adequate insurance. Just a thought. But, I agree that your attorney is the best person to speak to about this matter. I'm praying for you. It is so unfair to have to be dealing with these issues while you are grieving. Peace and blessings, Linda

You were my love, the other part of my soul You offered me comfort when I despaired You gave me support when I waivered You protected me against all that is wrong in the world You brought happiness, joy and delight to my life Your jokes and antics constantly brightened my day You were my lover—my body aches to feel your touch You were my friend whom I could turn always You were the song and the music in my life You were the listening ear that was always there You made me laugh at my own mistakes You gave me the ability to trust in love again You fed me and made sure I was whole You told me I was beautiful and that you were a lucky man You lifted me up and turned my life around You gave me new dreams and hopes and goals You made me believe in myself You offered encouragement along with your love You saw things in me that nobody else ever saw You were the love of my life—and you will always be. You are gone from my visible presence but I know you are still here You will give me strength to go on and to persevere You are waiting patiently until I too am called by God You will welcome me; yes, you will welcome me; when we meet again.

Korina, you remain in my thoughts and prayers. I don't have any answers for you but I think you are doing what you have to do and you are honoring Scott's memory. Let the memories continue to come. Cry when you need to and smile when you can. Peace, love, and blessings to you. Linda

You're right. As the memories come flooding into my brain, I do smile and then the tears roll down my cheeks. There are so many conflicting emotions going on in my body -- I guess that's part of the grieving process. But the tears are healing also. I hope that someday there will be more smiles than tears but I also know deep in my heart that I will miss Brian forever. Our love was that special. Thanks for sharing. Prayers and blessings to you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda