LindaKoz

Hi Stuart, I'm so sad to hear that you lost your beautiful wife, Heidi, to such an awful disese and at such a young age. You found the right place to try to deal with your overwhelming grief. I lost my fiancee, Brian, 5 1/2 weeks ago -- he was 53 and it was a very sudden and unexpected death. I have felt and continue to feel all that you describe. The empty house, the inability to sleep in our bed, the overwhelming need to cry. Sadly, there are no words of wisdom which will relieve your pain and ache. We must walk this grief journey and we all do it at our own pace and in our own uniuqe way. Try to be gentle on yourself and be sure to honor all that you are feeling. Try to rest as much as possible because grief takes its toll emotionally, mentally, and physically. Remember to eat because it is important to nourish your body. I know that this can be very hard. I've also been told that some physical exercise is good. Yesterday I went for a long walk and found that it was healing. Keep coming here as you need to in order to express what you are feeling. For me, it does help to write what I am feeling. Know that I am holding you up in prayer. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I think that we all have those rambling times. Right now my son is home with me so things feel a bit better. He's really good at being with me, listening to me, letting me cry, and just offering support and comfort. When he's at college there are times that I feel so alone. I go to work, I go to my classes, I go to see friends and family. But all that I really want to do is be with Brian . . . but he's gone. I guess it is true that we just have to take life one moment at a time. I know that when I try to look toward the future I get really scared. I can handle looking at tomorrow but not next week or next month or next year. I do know that I am thankful that I can come here because I know that everyone understands. I'm sending hugs from Pa. to everyone. I wish we could all get off this grief journey but I also understand the importance of honoring all the emotions we are feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

The day started out on a fairly good note. I met three friends from church for breakfast. After we were done eating, my one friend who lost her husband three years ago suggested we go for a walk becaus the sun finally decided to make an appearance after about five days of rain and clouds. The walk was invigorating and our conversation was healing. It was good to be with someone who understands what I am going through. Now I'm sitting at home trying to write a short paper which is due Monday night but I decided it would be a good idea to take a break and found myself on facebook looking at Brian's pictures. Of course, I am overwhelmed by sudden emotions and the never-ending realization that he is not going to be coming home. He's not a work while I'm home doing homework. He's not going to call me and ask how my day is going. We are not going to have "happy hour" when he comes home. He's not going to be coming home ever again. It's so unfair. I look at his pictures and see his smiling face. I remember each and every moment we spent together. Conversations run through my mind. I remember how much Brian enjoyed being alive. My one friend told me last week that as soon as he met Brian he just knew he was one of the nicest guys on this planet. How could this happen to him? Why???? I understand that there are no answers. I know that I must somehow find the courage to go on. And, I know I am allowed to have these times when I break down and cry. I let the tears come as they must. But I still miss him and I just love him so much. My heart is breaking. My life is fragmented. It's hard to think about going on like this for the rest of my life. I'm only 48 and my grandmother lived until 91. Can I really spend that many years apart from Brian? Will there ever be a time when I don't look a 09/23/2009 as the defining moment in my life? The time when there was a before and an after? Once again, I am glad for this site. I really needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Tears will come when they need to. Sadness will prevail for now. Hopefully some day it will be a bit easier to smile. Thanks for listening, all of my friends. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Many people were helpful to me. A few were insensitive. I remember that both of the Pastors from our church came to the hospital as soon as they learned that Brian passed away. Brian had developed a strong relationship with Pastor Dale. When Dale got there I remember looking into his eyes and knowing that my grief was mirrored there. He hugged me and we both knew that words at that time would be inadequate. There was nothing to say. A bright light had gone out in our world and we grieved together. As the loss began to become real to me, what helped was when peole commented that our love for each other was obviouos and that they enjoyed watching us together. We never realized that our love was so transparent. Now, I am glad that it was. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hugs to you Korina. You are right, it is not FAIR. But, I have faith that you will do great justice to making sure your daughter knows her father because you are doing it out of love. And, love will prevail. Are you putting together memory books and writing in journals. Brian left three grandchildren (4 1/2, 20 months, and 9 weeks). When I am with them they warm my heart but they also remind me that he was cheated. He loved them so much and had so much fun with them. I, too, will help to make sure they know the man who was their grandfather. My prayers go to everyone as we continue on this grief journey. It's dark, it's filled with pain, and I'm sure we all just want to get off. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Kat. Hugs to you. I understand exactly what you are feeling. Weekends used to be fun. Now I have to make sure I have something, anything to do so I'm not sitting at home by myself. And, I also keep looking at pictures. I know that they will make me cry but I just keep wanting to see Brian's face, his smile. I want to make sure that I remember everything about him. I don't want to forget anything. There is nothing wrong with you. You are living in the Valley of the Shadows right now. I wish that there was something I could do or say that would take away all of our pain. Sadly, we have to walk this grief journey. It's not fair. We have been cheated. Our loved ones have been cheated. At least we have each other. I'm here for you and I'm listening. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

The night after Brian passed away as I was almost asleep I felt arms being wrapped around me. It felt exactly like what Brian would do if he had been with me. I'm sure that he was trying to comfort me because he knew that I was totally devestated by his death. I keep hoping to feel his presence again. I've seen butterflies and I've had one dream. I just wish I could feel his arms wrapped around me again. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Good morning Korina, Thanks. The mornings are the worst for me. Brian had to get up earlier then me although I would be awake also because of the alarm. He would snooze for a few minutes with his arms wrapped around me. After he got ready for work he would always kiss me while I was still in bed. Then he would calll up to me as he left the house and say "bye, sweetie, I love you." I miss hearing those words so badly. When I would be ready to leave for work, there would always be a text message for me saying something like "I love you and you are beautiful. Please love me forever." It's so hard to not look at my cell phone for these messages. Thankfully I have saved the messages from the summer so I can always look at them. Sometimes it is comforting and sometimes it seems kind of like torture. But it's always hard. I miss him so much and I just want him back. Just don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Good morning, Debbie, Please don't feel guilty about your emotions. I still cry every day at 5 weeks. When you lose the person you spent most of your time with it is overwhelming. Your body and your mind are in shock. Be very gentle with yourself. Allow all of the emotions to come and flow. Honor all that you are feeling. My mind still wanders to the day in the hospital when Brian passed away and to the memorial service. I'm hopeful that some day these memories will move to the background and the happy memories will be prevalent. For now I know that I have to walk this grief journey one moment at a time because I never know what the next moment will hold. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. We are walking through the shadows together for now. Hugs to you. I'm not far away since we are both in Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks Rochel. Tonight just seems to be a particularlly bad night. It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm still awake. I've been reading old e-mails that Brian and I sent to each other when we first met. We fell in love so easily and reading them helps me to remember how much he loved me. Sometimes I wonder why he left me if he loved me so much. Then I remember that he was resucitated once so he must have been trying really hard to stay with us. Tears come so easily today. Hope tomorrow is a better day. Going to try to get some sleep. Glad I have this avenue to express my feelings. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Debbie, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My grief journey began on 9/23/09 when I lost my fiancee, Brian, very suddenly. He was also 53. There are no rights and wrongs. Cry as much as you need to. Be gentle with yourself. Try to eat, drink water, and sleep as you can. Let your family and friends hold you up as they are able. Grief takes its toll emotionally, mentally and physically. We are all here to listen and to hold you up. We truly understand. May you feel God's loving arms wrapped around you in this time of grief. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Ted. I need all of the love and support that I can get. On my way home from Starbucks a few minutes ago I was overwhelmed by the sadness inside of me . . . and there wasn't even a trigger. I just miss Brian so much. Don't know how I can keep doing this day after day. It's so hard. Last year a beloved colleage at work passed away from pancreatic cancer. I remember talking to his wife a few months after his passing and her words to me were "I hope that you never have to go through this." Now I totally understand what she meant. And, I know that it is going to take a long, long time for me to feel any better. I waited 44 1/2 years to meet this man and we only had 3 1/2 years together. It just so unfair! Right now we should be coming home from the gym and thinking about what we want to have for dinner. Brian would cook while I would do a bit of homework. I should not be alone. Sometimes I wish that I had died instead of him but then I know he wouldn't want to be here without me. Maybe it would have been best if we had died together. But, we don't get to make these choices so I'll live try to live the hand I'm dealt to the best of my abilities. And, I'll continue to rely on the love of family and friends and the strength that God gives to me. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Ted, my prayers are with you. I cannot even imagine the pain you must be feeling. We chose cremation so I won't have to face this sadness. We're all with you and you can turn to us at any time. Ou journeys are filled with twists and turns and many times we don't realize what is going to stir up the overwhelming emotions. Be gentle with yourself, my friend. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I pray every day. I have a prayer box that I made in seminary last year. I light a candle near a picture of Brian and me, read the passages which are in my prayer box, read from a prayer book, and ask God to carry me through this dark night. I know that God weeps with me and that the Spirit will search my soul for the words I need to pray. I just didn't know it would be this hard. I didn't know that the pain would be so deep. I didn't know that I would feel like I am drowning. Last night in class I thought I was doing fairly well. Then the professor began to show some slides with music. Two of the songs were from Les Miserables. Brian and I went to NYC to see that play a year ago. My mind went to that trip. It was there that he bought me the ring I wear on my left hand. He told me it was my "I will love you forever and always" ring. We were planning to get married in 2011. There are so many triggers that bring back memories and I can begin to cry anywhere and at any time. I know that I was blessed to have made some many happy, joyful memories with Brian but I'm sad because we thought we had time to make some many more. Thanks for listening and for helping me through the dark night of my soul. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I think I was forgetting to take babysteps. I think I thought that if I threw myself into school and work, the pain would go away. I think I forgot about being gentle with myself. Perhaps I was trying to run away from the pain. I did have a dream about Brian early this morning but it was not what I had been hoping for. What I remember about the dream is that we had a disagreement and then I found out he was sick. I came home to find him sitting and playing with his grandson. He looked up at me and I smiled at him to show him that I loved him. Unfortunately I woke up before we could be together alone. But, he didn't look upset with me. He looked like he loved me. I guess after thinking about this, it is what I needed to learn. The night I took Brian to the hospital I was upset with him because he hadn't listened to me about going to the doctor the day before. We had a chance to talk about this at the hospital but I've still been feeling guilt. Maybe the dream was Brian telling me not to feel guilty. I know in my heart that he knew I loved him. I told him that repeatedly before he passed away. Why does this guilt have to follow us? So, I'll go back to the babysteps. I'll be gentle on myelf. I'll learn to get through moment by moment for now. And, I know that the day will come when we will be reunited. Honestly, I look forward to that day. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Me again. I guess I thought if I faced this grief journey head on I would get through it quicker. Of course, it's not happening. Today was just a crappy day. I have a cold and a sore throat, it's been raining all day, I stayed home from work, and I've been crying on and off all day. Tomorrow is five weeks since Brian passed away. I don't know what I expect and perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. Sleep is still somewhat elusive. I stay up until midnight or 1:00 am and the wake up around 4:00. Eventually I fall asleep and get perhaps another two hours of sleep. I know it's not enough but I just can't seem to make myself take the sleeping aids which I have. I don't think I want to go to sleep. And, I hate waking up in the morning and having to remember that Brian is gone. I spoke with my Pastoral Counselor on the phone today and made an appointment for next week. She reminded me to be gentle with myself and also pointed out that my loss is still very new. I'm really trying to take care of myself. Tonight I lit a candle, got out my prayer box, and prayed in front of a picture of Brian and me. What I really want to know is that he is ok. That he's with God and all is well. I wish he would come to me in a dream and ease my mind. My counselor thinks I'm probably not getting enough sleep to get into the dream stage so that may be why he hasn't visited me. I keep hoping and praying. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to try to go to work and I have class in the evening. At least it will keep my mind somewhat distracted. But, nothing helps for long. I get these waves of emotions and the pain is almost too much to bear. Thanks for letting me vent. Don't know what I would do without this site. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hugs to you, Paula. Is there any chance you can get away for even a few days just to rest and take care of yourself? Remember to be very gentle with yourself and do only what you can. Sleep, eat, maybe take a walk to clear your mind. I'm learning that grief is indeed a journey and we have no choice but to walk it at our own pace. I'm sorry that you don't seem to have good support from friends / family. Keep coming here. We all understand what you are feeling. I wish I could take away your pain but all I can do is tell you I am here to listen whenever you need me. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Teny I'm Linda. I lost my fiance, Brian, five weeks ago. I'm glad that you posted today. I already know that I am going to miss Brian for the rest of my life. I have no illusion that my life will become "normal" again. He was the love of my life. It took my entire life to meet him and we only had 3 1/2 years together. But, in that short time we knew that we were soul mates, that we belonged together, that we would love each other forever and always. Sadly, forever and always on earth has ended. But, I carry every memory of Brian in my heart and I always will. I hope that in time the severity of my pain will subside a bit. I hope that there will be days when I can smile and laugh. I also know that I will probably cry every day for the rest of my life. And, I look forward to the day when God calls me home because I know that Brian will be waiting for me and we will bask in our love in the presence of God. It saddens me that we must all walk through this journey of grief. I understand that it is different for each of us but I also know that we have a lot of common feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Thank you for sharing and I offer my thoughts and prayers as you approach the three year date of your beloved's passing. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Oh, Valley, it sounds like you are honoring your Tom's life as you celebrate his birthday. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm sure that every milestone is difficult and I wish none of us had to face these days without those whom we love. Hugs to you from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Korina, I understand the roller coaster. There are so many triggers which start the crying. Last night when I was coming home from class, it occurred to me that there is really no facet of my life in which Brian was uninvolved. Even though I went to class alone, I would call him on my cell while driving home. He would usually ask me about class and then ask what I wanted to eat for dinner when I got home . . . and then he would have something ready for me. I guess this is why I usually cry on the way home. There is just no place that I can escape the flood of memories. I'm glad to hear that you had a good time shopping for your little baby. It must be comforting to have her with you. Hold her close and share all of your wonderful memories of you Dad. Huges from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Rochel, There is a passage in Romans which I'm focusing on for my interpretive essay (8:26-39). It starts like this: Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. As I was doing some research, I found that sometimes our suffering or grief are so deep that we cannot even find the words to pray to God. In our sighs or our groans, the Spirit will intercede and find what our soul is trying to say. And, the heart-searching God will know what we seek because of the Spirit's action. I found this to be particularly helpful because sometimes I feel so much pain and I cry without ceasing and I cannot even verabalize to God what I am feeling. But, I know that the Spirit understands my needs and God will search my heart. Together God and the Spirit will come to me in comfort. The passage ends by stating that nothing will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Again,words of comfort for me as I struggle with this loss which is so fresh and so deep. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

My tears are flowing also . . . . thanks for posting. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks Rochel, Kat & Kathy. I hate that we are all going through this but I am thankful for the support. I, too, find I am so attracted to looking at Brian's pictures, listening to recordings of his songs, and the video of a recent interview. But then I cry because I just miss his very presence and these objects cannot take away the pain. This pain could only subside if Brian were to come back to me. Of course, some days are better than others and in honesty they are the days when I am with friends or out doing something. Today I didn't feel good physically and stayed home from work. I alternate between checking this site, looking at Brian's pics, reading for school, watching mindless tv and sleeping. None of these are very productive or distracting and I have been crying a lot. Soon I have to get ready to go to class. It would be nice to just skip it but the lecture is on the Book of Romans and I need to be present. Also, I am hopeful that I will feel a bit better with my classmates (many of whom are my friends). Thanks again for the unending support. It helps. Hugs to you all from Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Kathy. I do talk to Brian all of the time. Mostly I keep asking him how this could have happened to us when we were so happy. I also write letters. Sometimes it just helps to get the thoughts out of my brain. But the thoughts keep coming back. It wish I could turn off my thoughts for just a few hours. I wish anything could ease the pain that I feel -- but nothing really works. Why does it have to hurt so much? Why do we have to walk this grief journey? Why did he have to die??? The rational part of me understands that there are no answers. But the grieving me keeps thinking if I get answers then all will be well. But, all will never be well again in the same sense that it was before. September 23, 2009 will always define a fragmenting of my soul--the essence of who I am. I just hope that a day does eventually come when I can begin to feel healing or some sort of wholeness. For today, I feel torn apart. I also notice that I get annoyed easily, especially when I hear people complaining about things which truly don't matter. Or, when people take life, love, and beauty for granted. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

So last night I noticed this shift in what I am feeling. Before when I would cry there was anguish and screaming. Now there just seems to be this pervasive sadness when I cry. My thoughts have also shifted from feeling intensely for my own loss toward feeling that Brian has been cheated. Maybe it is because I spent a good bit of the weekend with his children and grandchildren. Maybe it's just part of my journey. I just keep remembering how much Brian loved bein alive. How full of life he was until he got sick (four days before he died). I remember all that he wanted to do . . . that we wanted to do together. I don't know how I am going to live without him. A memory which runs through my mind is that we used to like to go to a park near our home. We would take a blanket, a camping chair, my books, and his guitar. I would lay in the sun and try to study while he would sit in the camping chair and play guitar. It was so peaceful. We would sit by a stream and Brian would watch for falcons, hawks, and herons. He would strum his guitar or sing beautiful songs. Sometimes I would talk him into taking a walk with me (it's not that he didn't like to walk but as a letter carrier that was part of his job). All the time he would "complain" about having to hike back up the hill to our car. I want one more day in that park with Brian. I want to hear him play guitar and sing to me. I want one more chance to see his smile, to hear his voice, to feel him touch me. I love him so much. Who am I now? How can I go on? Guess it's going to be a bad day. Nothing seems to be able to distract me or stop the tears from flowing. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda