LindaKoz

Hi Ted, I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a bit positive about life going on. All we can do is try and do the best that we can. I find I am better when with friends. When I'm home alone I get sad and I cry a lot. I also feel a call from a grief counselor is a great idea. I hope you are able to find some healing. I'm going to a grief seminar this morning on how to handle the holidays. I hope they offer some good tips because it's going to be difficult for me. I think I have Thanksgiving under control -- going to the beach with my son. I'm just not sure about Christmas and New Year's Eve. Brian and I really enjoyed celebrating holidays together. Guess I'll take it one step at a time. Hope your day includes some peace. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I find my relationships with my girlfriends give me the suport and love that I need to walk through this grief journey. Last night I spent time with three girlfriends. Two of them lost their husbands in the past three years. We had a glass of wine and a lot of conversation. I was there until 1:00 in the morning. I don't know what the future holds for me and right now I can't even look too far ahead. I loved Brian with all of my heart and soul and he's not replaceable. My loss is still early (almost two months) but I do know that some day I will be better. I will always miss him but I will my girlfriends will hold me up until I can stand on my own. For this I am thankful and blessed. Thanks for sharing, Kath and Boo. Some days are much darker than others but when I come here and read your wise words I'm able to find strength to move a few steps ahead with the knowledge that I will continue to grow stronger. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

I found this quote the other day and posted it on my facebook account. "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” -Washington Irving I find my tears to be very healing and consider them a gift or a blessing from God. They help to release the incredible emotions which continually well up inside of me. Often after I cry, I experince a brief respite of peace. And, I believe that is what my soul is seeking right now -- peace, solace, tranquility. So, I continue to weep as I must and perhaps some day my memories will help me re-experience joy that the moments brought when Brian was with me in a physical sense. Maybe I will find that spiritual connection of our love which will help to sustain me. May we all find those small moments of peace however we are able. May we find moments of comfort today and throughout the weekend. Hugs to you all. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Tim, Thanks for sharing the term "bashert" and the meaning. I love the sentiment. That's who Brian was for me, also. I waited until I was 44 and Brian waited until he was 49 (almost 50) to meet each other. But we knew that we were destined to be together. We just had to wait until the right time and the right place. Although we only shared 3 1/2 years, we touched each other's souls in ways they had never been touched before. Our relationship was filled with joy and delight. Our love continued to grow and blossom each day. This is why I am so devastated. But if I had a chance to do it all over again knowing that he would be taken away so quickly, I would not hesitate to say, yes. I am a better person for knowing him. I now understand what love really means. I'll miss him for the rest of my life but I know that we will be reunited. I know he will be waiting for me with open arms and then we will spend eternity together. That's the hope that allows me to go on. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks for sharing. I especially needed to read that last sentence today. I know that God is so much larger than we can even imagine. I know that God is all love and is always with us. But as I head into the weekend (which I find really challenging), I find myself asking God to explain the whys or to give Brian back to me. This comes from my humanness and from my longing to be with the one I love. I know that Brian is in a beautiful place with Jesus and there is no pain or strife. I know that we are merely separated by the veil. I believe that he can see me through the veil and can help to strengthen me. And, I know that one day we will be together again. For now, I trust that God will help me forge my way through this grief and that some day there will be healing for my soul. And, all will be well if I continue to place my faith and my trust in God. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Rochel, I'm saying a prayer for you and also sending birthday wishes and blessings to your beloved, Bob. I know this had to be a tough day for you. It makes me sad to hear that the insurance company called. Hang in there, my friend. Baby steps. One moment at a time. I'm asking God to surround you with love, comfort, and peace. Somehow, someway, we will keep walking through the shadows together. And, one day we will find a glimmer of light along with hope that we will find solace for our souls. Thanks for sharing the picture of you and Bob. I'm glad that you were successful in the post. It's a beautiful picture. Hang on to those happy memories. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Dianna, Yeah, the holidays are going to be really challenging this year. I lost my fiance 8 weeks ago. My son and I are going to the beach for Thanksgiving. My family has been real supportive but I just can't face a traditional Thanksgiving meal or a day when I migh need to pretend. I don't think I'm running away. I think I'm protecting my fragile, shattered soul. It's a hard road that we all walk right now. I understand the feeling of being tired physically, mentally, and spiritually. Are you getting enough rest? Are you taking care of yourself the best that you can? Everything is new and sometimes overwhelming. The best advice I've received is to take baby steps and try not to look too far into the future. We all grieve in our own unique way and there is no wrong way. Wish I could erase your pain. What I can do is be here to listen. You are in my prayers. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Linda, I began to return to work a few weeks after Brian passed away. Fortunately I have a compassionate caring boss and he has allowed me as much flexibility as I need. We sat down and had a conversation and he is honestly concerned about me. If I need a day off, it's allowed. If I need to come in late because I couldn't sleep, it's ok. When I have to leave for my Pastoral Counseling appointments, it is not a problem. This is probably the only reason I'm adjusting to being back to work. When I need to cry, I either go to the restroom or into an empty office. I've only had two insensitive comments from co-workers. I've written them off as "toxic" and try to avoid them. For me, getting out of the house does help. When I am home by myself, I get really sad. I wasn't really a person who wanted to stay home all the time before Brian passed away . . . guess I haven't changed in that aspect. I think we all need to find out what works best for us and to make sure we can set the necessary boundaries. This grief journey is hard enough. There's no need to add additional stress if it can be avoided. Hugs Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thank you!!! :-)

On Friday night I was having dinner with my sisters and found myself laughing. I immediately looked at my sisters and asked if they thought Brian would be okay with me having a little fun. They immediately said he would because of who he was -- a guy who really enjoyed having a great time and laughing. I spoke to my counselor about this and she asked me to think about Brian and what I thought he would want. She then explained that in the midst of my grief, small bursts of joy will occur. She called this an oasis of life in the midsts of the shadows of death and said it would not take away from the fact that I am grieving for the loss of Brian or mean that I miss him any less. Rather, it will help me through this grief journey toward healing. Does anyone else feel guilty if they find themselves having fun? Do you allow yourself to smile or laugh? Do you feel guilty? All thoughts are welcome. Sometimes I feel like I am driving myself crazy. I want to get better though I know it is early (eight weeks today). I want to feel as if I want a new life but I still miss Brian with my entire being. I'm still trying not to look too far ahead. I still love Brian with all of my heart and soul but I think I want to live . . . and in the beginning I did not want to go on. Is this shift "normal"? Thanks for listening again. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Kimi, I can't say that I have shaking hands but I definitely toss and turn a lot during the night. You may be experiencing anxiety which clearly goes along with this grief journey. What happens to me is I start to get this chilled feeling in my arms and legs and then I begin to hyperventilate. I know this is the beginning of panic attacks and I've been able to work through them. Have you talked with a counselor or your doctor? It might be worthwhile to check into it. I've also learned that there is nothing "normal" about this greif journey. The best I can do is make sure I'm not experiencing anything totally abnormal or harmful. Otherwise, we have unique experiences but there is much that we can share. I feel for you in my heart. My prayers are with you. Be gentle on yourself and face this new life one small step at a time. You are not alone. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

For what it's worth, I have a necklace which holds some of Brian's ashes. I know that it's just a few but for me it symbolizes that he is truly with me always. I wear the necklace all of the time. I was going to choose a tear drop because that is what first caught my attention in the brochure. But then I thought maybe I won't be crying forever. Instead I choose the infinity symbol because our love will last forever and always even though he's no longer physically present with me. When I am feeling really sad or anxious, I touch the necklace and I am reminded that Brian is with me and he will give me strength to continue through this journey. Brian's five children chose a cross which also holds a few of his ashes. For us, this seemed to help. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Steely, Remember, baby steps. Don't try to look too far into the future because it will be overwhelming. Take life moment by moment, hour by hour, or day by day -- whatever you can manage. Honor all of the emotions you are experiencing. When you need to cry, cry. When you need to yell, yell. Each of our grief journeys are unique as each of our loves were unique. Do what you need to do. What I have recently discovered is that I know when the overwhelming emotions come to the surface I will cry or scream but then I will get through it. Before I used to think that I would not be able to make it. This doesn't mean it is any easier and it doesn't mean I miss Brian any less, it just means that I am learning from my own experiences. I see a Pastoral Counselor every other week and began attending a grief support group. And, I totally rely on God and my good friends to hold me up. I wish that I could take away your pain. I wish that I could take away all of our pains. What I can offer is an ear to listen, lots of prayers, and hugs from afar. Take good care of yourself, Steely. We are all here on this journey with you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Kat, I'm right here with you. I, too, have gotten really good at driving when I'm crying -- even on major highways which is a bit crazy. Wish I could say something that would help but all I can offer is my love, support, and an ear to listen because we are walking this path together, my friend. The holidays are going to be so difficult. I've planned for Thanksgiving but don't even want to think about Christmas yet. I understand when you say that you want your Pat back . . . that has become my mantra. Some days I repeat over and over to Brian -- I just want you back. I will listen whenever you need me to. I wish that you didn't have to walk through these shadows . . . and I wish that I didn't have to. Lean on me and I'll lean on you. I understand. Hugs from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, When I returned to work about three weeks after Brian passed away, a co-worker found me crying in the ladies' room. A short while later she came to my desk and said that she knew that I didn't like to take medicine but thought I should see a doctor to get a prescription for anti-anxiety drugs. So I guess three weeks after I lost the love of my life I wasn't supposed to be crying? She then proceeded to tell me that someday I would be just as happy as I was before Brian died. I've written her off as a toxic person and avoid conversations with her. I really didn't think I needed to take medicine, I just needed to be able to grieve for the loss of Brian. And for me, grieving includes a lot of crying. I'm sure that there are many people who benefit from prescriptions, I just didn't and don't feel that I needed to go that route. In addition, I had returned to classes and felt that medicine might make it hard to focus and concentrate. We all try to do what is best for us and in all honesty I am making it up as I go along. This is a new journey for me. I wish I was walking a different path but that's not possible for right now. So, I face this new life--a life which I did not choose--one day at a time and I try to do the best that I can. Hugs to you. Remember to be gentle with yourself and to reach out to us whenever you need to. We are here, nmy friend, to offer prayer, love, and support. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Ted, I'm sending you hugs and keeping you in my prayers. I think the impact of these dates will continue to make us cry. I have the two month date coming up next week and I'm dreading it. Three months is still very recent so please try not to be so hard on yourself. You are missing the woman you loved and trying to heal a shattered heart. I believe this will take a lot of time--much more than three months. I do see a Pastoral Counselor whom I had seen in the past for other issues. Today she is going to work with me so I can try to focus on good memories of Brian rather than the last few days when he was sick. I want to remember the vibrant, loving Brian who was so full of life. I also began to attend a grief support group last week. While both of these do offer we ways to find peace, it is not lasting. I am still overcome by waves of emotions and I still miss Brian with all of my heart and sould. I think that I will for the rest of my life -- he was that important to me. Remember to be kind to yourself, Ted. We're here for you. We care. And, we understand. I will continue to hold you up in my prayers. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Thanks, Marsha. I was so thankful when I found this site, and I still am. When I'm with my friends, at school, or at work, I'm doing relatively well. But when I am home by myself, that's a totally different story. That is when I seek peace by writing to and listening to my new friends. My greatest wish is that none of us had to find this site because we stil had our beloved husbands and significant others with us. But since that is not possible, I am thankful that we have each other. I think I have managed to retain my sanity by learning that what I am feeling is also being felt by others. When I first lost Brian, I used to wake up and tell myself I was one day closer to being with him. I don't find myself doing that so much any more. I guess there have been some small shifts in my feelings. I'm no longer afraid to die because I know that Brian will be waiting for me--and he will give me a huge hug. But, I'll try to be patient and live my life the best that I can. I want to honor our love and I want him to be proud of me when we do meet again. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Cherrie, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I understand that this grief journey is so very difficult but you have found a place where others understand what you are feeling. We will listen. We will grieve with you. You are not alone. I understand about losing the love of your life. I lost my Brian on September 23rd of this year and I am totally devastated. Can we share our pain and somehow learn to live on our own together? As you mentioned, I cry when I hear songs that Brian loved. There are many, many triggers which evoke feelings of anguish. I don't have any magical answers which will relieve your pain but I'm here to listen with much love and empathy. Hugs to you from my part of Pennsylvania. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Stuart, I'm so sorry that you are unable to find any peace. I think that is a state most of us find ourselves in. Give yourself permission to grieve. Your loss is very fresh and very raw. You are adjusting to a life without the woman you love and it will take a long time to heal. It used to occur to me that Brian wouldn't want me to be so upset but then I realized that he probably would be just as upset if I had gone before him. I'm allowing myself to experience every emotion which comes to me. I'm taking life one small step at a time. What I have learned is that when I am overwhelmed by this great sadness, I need to take time to cry, scream, and yell. It is the only way that I can get through that moment. And then I find a small period of solace. I'm hopeful that in time the periods of peace will become greater than the periods of overwhelming sadness and anxiety. But, I'm not looking too far into the future for now. Take care of yourself, my friend. Honor all of your emotions. And, know that you are not alone. We are all walking together. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Rochel, I'm feeling your pain. I can't even go into our bedroom without starting to cry. And that's just one trigger. I listen to the music we loved, I look at Brian's pictures, I see the spot where he should be playing guitar at church, I remember the fun we used to have and all of the things we liked to do. There are at least a million triggers. What I have begun to realize is that there is no place I can go that doesn't have a memory attached to it. The good part of this is that we really had a great life together. The sad part is that I long to have that life back and I can't. We are on this journey together, my friend. It's definitely not where we want to be but at least we are not alone. Cry as much as you need to, share with us here, and always trust that God is holding you through your grief. Hugs from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Marsha, I started writing letters to Brian the day after he passed away. You are right, it is a release to get the words out of my brain. I'm not sure how coherent the letters are but at least I'm expressing what I'm feeling. I also wrote some poems. Most of them are pretty dark but I guess that's because I'm walking in the dark right now. I'll keep pouring out my heart. I hope that Brian is right here with me reading the words that I write. I just miss him so much. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Everyone, As much as I try to let go of the whys, what ifs, should haves, and could haves, I still find myself wondering and asking. I know that there are no answers -- perhaps I'll learn when God calls me home. Brian thought that once you are with God you will be given all the answers. I hope that he was right because that means he knows and is at peace. For me, guilt comes and goes. I have no regrets about our relationship. We loved each other and told each other many, many times every day. Although we only had 3 1/2 years, we really lived and loved in that short time. My guilt comes from not knowing how sick Brian was. We thought he had the flu. I encouraged him to see a doctor but he thought he would get better. We didn't know about the infection. Some days I wonder why I wasn't more adamant. And then I realize that if I'm not to blame, maybe Brian should have realized how sick he was. It just becomes an endless cycle. My counselor encouraged me to release the guilt (gave me tips) and to focus my anger on the injustice of the situation (rather than at myself, Brian or God). This is what I try to do (doesn't always work). Sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain or at least focus on the good memories. Perhaps in time. Well, hugs to you all. We're in this together. You are all continually in my prayers. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Hi Laurie, I'm so sorry to learn about all of the destruction at your home. I'm sure this is about the last thing that you needed to happen and that you are feeling overwhelmed. Remember to breathe and take it one step at a time. Do you have some friends you can call for advice on how to fix the yard? Do you have insurance on the property which would cover the damage? Just some thoughts. I totally understand what you mean about feeling like the walls are coming in. I don't even want to think about listening to Christmas music because I know that I will start to cry hysterically. Although my weekend hasn't been disrupted like yours has, it's just been a very emotional and I spent a lot of time crying and yelling. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you struggle on this grief journey which has been magnified by nature. Remember to be gentle on yourself, acknowledge and honor all the emotions you are feeling, and take it moment by moment. That's all that we can do for right now. Please know that you are not alone. We walk this journey by your side. Hugs and prayers from Pa. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda

Well my emotions and feelings have been running rampant this weekend. Just when I think I might be getting a little bit better I am slammed with the overwhelming realization that my life is forever changed and that I will not see Brian again until he greets me in heaven. I've cried buckets of tears, I've screamed and yelled, I pounded on the steering wheel as I was driving, but nothing I do seems to offer lasting peace or solace. On Friday night I discovered a picture on my cell phone of Brian kissing me. It's a wonderful treasure but it is so hard to look at his face and realize that he's gone. Then I start again with the whys and what ifs which I know are futile. I am okay for short periods of time when I am with friends but when I am alone I focus on this loss and the fact that my heart is shattered into a million pieces. How can I ever become whole again? How can I take these fragments and put them back together. I just want to this roller coaster to stop so I can get off. Thanks for listening again. I really needed to get these thoughts out of my mind. Right now I'm focusing on breathing and facing life one moment at a time. Hugs to all. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda