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Korina, Many thoughts and wishes for safe travels over the holidays. We will all, somehow get through this holdiay....easier said than done. But we will. Blessings to you and your little one. Debbie

John, Ditto on what you posted~~~ I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't wait till next time this week when at least Xmas will have passed us by. Vent anytime you feel like it. It's good for the soul. Blessings, Debbie

Susie, I honestly believe everything you are feeling is part of this journey. These past 2 days have hit me like a nothing else. I suppose we have to feel everything and try to process it and we will have bad days when everything just seems to be so very sad and hard. Days we would rather not face the world, days when we just don't know what we want. Its hard, but we will get through it, of that I am sure. Keep telling myself to slow down and allow the journey to lead me to where ever it is I need to be. Wishing you glimmers of hope. Blessings, Debbie

I am so sorry for your loss. This journey we are on is something we would rather not be on, but these folks offer kindness, warmth, compassion. We are here to help one another..... Blessings to you. Debbie

Worthwhile listening too. Thank you for sharing. Debbie

Coldness, Can't believe how cold I am now. The first few nights after my husband died, I felt like ice was going through my veins. It got better for awhile, but this past week it is happening again. Added another heavy, fluffy blanket to my bed and run a heater, but it is a chill that is hard to describe. I rarely have used heat in my bedroom before all this. Its so strange and annoying at the same time. Does anyone else notice this? And soon the electric bills will go up!! Just curious if its happening to anyone else. I had slept alone for years due to my husband's condition, so its not that I miss someone else being with me. Would be happy if one of my cats jumped in and snuggled with me to help me be warm~~~ Blessings, Debbie

Good morning all, I am hoping to check in Xmas Eve sometime during the day/early evening. My son and I are having our annual Christmas Eve drop-in and I have a feeling there will be standing room only as many of our extended family will be stopping by to support and surround us. I am hoping to find comfort in their visiting. I am more worried about New Year's Eve. I believe our office will be on regular schedule so I will not get home till 5:00pm. Thinking about staying with my orginal plan of junkfood, movies, internet, and plenty of tissues. I read a post on here something like do we want to let go of 2009 or hang on to it. Not sure which I want. I thought it was an interesting point and prospective. Makes me ponder the question and a good one at that. Until then, Blessings to all and I am so glad for all the viewpoints and the opportunity to read what you all are feeling. Thank you so very much for sharing. Debbie

I have found that my faith has grown through this journey and I try to be thankful, grateful and look more to God for what his plans are for me. I have no idea where I will end up, just know if I try to walk with God, he will give me what I need, who I need and opportunities to be and do what he wants me to do. I learned thorugh my husband's illness and the final weeks of his life, God is in control. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. And we are all still learning....I pray every night for my "family" here and that all our hearts will be lightened. Thank you all for being by my side and each others side. There is nothing I fear writing about here because we all understand. Blessings. Debbie

Linda, Love, blessings, hope, sent to you my friend.

Laurie, You seem to echo where I am at with my life. Tonight is the first night I came home since my husband died and I will be alone for 5 hours. Didn't really want to leave work, but on the other hand, I was ready to get away from the office. Being alone will be good for me to try to work through this, I realize. Much prefer people, but I am tired of always being strong and maybe tears will flow easier if I am alone in the evening? Clubs and activities will be there when and if you decide you want to join them. We have to try to remember this is our journey, to be taken at our own pace. To honor our feelings. For me, work is enough and I have added support group, however reading, this forumn, and family plus a few friends that understand are all I want for the moment. I have faith and hope that as we work through this, we will grow, continue to change, and we will eventually, down the road, when we are ready....and only then....decide what may make us feel like exploring new things. Blessings to you. You are not alone. Debbie

I too am so sorry for the incredible loss you are enduring. Your words breath those of much love for your wife and the life you created together. Try to remember you did everything you possibly could do. It's so hard with the "what if's" that we can't help thinking of. You have found a "home" here where we all understand and care about each other. It is a resource of comfort, a release for our emotions, a place to vent and a place for encouragement. Blessings to you and your family. Debbie

Maxine, I am so very sorry for the loss you are suffering. I can only echo what the others have said. You are in good hands being here as the folks on here have helped me so very much. God Bless you as you go through this journey and know we are here. Blessings, Debbie

I am so sorry for the shock and dis-belief you must be feeling. Do you have access to a grief counseler or therapist? A Pastor that could help you to absorb this great loss? If you can find someone you feel safe talking with, it may help. Peace to you. Debbie

Thank you so much Ladies for your kind replies. Somedays I feel strong, others not so much. Heard "Angels we have heard on high" today while writing thank you notes and totally feel apart. My sister's and I sang that song along with other songs that Dean loved to him shortly before he died. Couldn't believe the impact it had on me. My brother-in-law stopped in and I cried harder than I have through all this. I don't believe he was expecting that from me, but one can only be, what one can be and the closer Dean's Birthday gets and the closer Xmas gets, the more it is becoming a reality for me. I realize he is gone and not coming back this time. No more long hospital stays, with the hope of his recovery. No miracle for him, for us. I know he is with God, and I know I should be grateful and thankful that his pain is gone. But I miss him, I miss us. I miss my life before his death. We all miss our loved ones and never before did I realize how this difficult this journey would be. Not only for me, but for us all. Blessings to each of you. Debbie

Yesterday we had a beautiful snow falling. I started out feeling hopeful and content. However, the longer the snow fell and covered the trees, the sadder I felt. It just slapped me in the face, the loss, the emptyness, the missing. For me the snow was a major trigger. My husband loved this time of year and especially the snow. I stood at my front door and just cried as I watched the beauty of it. How can something so beautful, be so sad at the same time? I don't like this journey at all. None of us do. I expect too much of myself at only 8 weeks out. We had a birthday dinner celebration for my son last night with family and he offered to cancel it, but it was important for me to enjoy his night, so I got myself ready and it was okay. I am sure those of you who got to see the first snowfall felt the way I did. Memories of hot chocolate, cookies and our loved ones sharing the sights of winter. Bittersweet. Very bittersweet. I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers as we walk through this. Blessings, Debbie

Last night my son asked me if I never going to cook again. I then realized how long it had been since my oven and stove had been used. We had an abundance of food brought to us, so much in fact we had to freeze some. Compounded by that was how much we were taken out to dinner after my husband died. So today is going to be the day I start. Pa Dutch cooking. I already have chicken in the oven, filling ready to put in, making baked corn and grn beans. My old "normal" Saturday was cooking for the week early in the day and then shutting down my kitchen after cleanup and Dean and I going out for dinner and shopping. Wonder if I still have cooking skills? Hopefully it will turn out good. I remember when I first got home from hospice, I made coffee twice without putting in the filter and coffee. Couldn't understand why I didn't smell coffee. Think I will use my timer to be sure I don't burn or overcook anything. Its amazing what we don't realize we aren't doing. Well I hope and pray you all have a day filled with hope and blessings abound. Thanks for being here for me to share my thoughts and journey. Hugs, Debbie

Good morning Kat, I did my memory tree last week and when I look at it, I still feel peace, and hope. My son and I decided to wait till Dec 16th to light it, as well as the outside lights, as that would be Dean's Birthday. It just seems for us, a way to honor his memory and the fact we miss him terribly, but there is hope for us in light. And my husband loved driving here and there and looking at Christmas lights. Hoping it will be meaningful for us. Blessings, Debbie

Kath, You are honoring your feelings and doing exactly what you feel up to doing. That is so wonderful. Do what ever it is that helps you get through this as well as through the holidays. Blessings, Debbie

Hi LindaG, I did a memory tree (if interested I started post under that headline). I am sending a few Xmas cards I ordered from Hospice. Planning on having my annual Xmas Eve drop-in. My husband's birthday is Dec 16th so my son and I are planning on starting a tradition of going out and celebrating his life. Its is going to be a very tough time for all of us here. Told my siblings and parents I was going to try to do as much as I could for Christmas, but New Year's is mine. I don't want anyone around. Movie, computer, junkfood, and tissues..... I took a surviving the Holiday Class and it was suggested we do whatever it is we feel we can or want to do. Wishing you peace and blessings, Debbie

Linda, I am so sorry that happened to you especially when your heart is crying. I had a friend text me to see how I was doing less than a week after Dean died and when I text back how much Derek and I missed him she replied she was sure its hard and went on to text how busy she was and how much laundry she had. I texted back "Take Care" and I really don't care to hear from her again. That was it for me. I don't care how much laundry she had to do. I had just lost my husband, my friend, and my son's father. She was one of those toxic people that makes life all about her and her family. Our life changes and we come to realize we drifted apart from familiar friends. I have learned we can still love people for whats in their hearts, however we grow through this journey and we need people that understand. You have a pure heart Linda, and I have every confidence that your "true" friends will be by your side, just as we are. Here's a hug from me to you and good for you for tossing it. I would have done the same thing..... Blessings, Debbie

I have never given that a thought and you are so right. Our loved ones are with God. Their faith has now turned to praise . I am not afraid to die, instead I fear others I love leaving me. I now have a glimmer of understanding why my husband for so long, wanted to stay, but yet needed to go. He loved us so much and did not want to leave us, he did not want us to feel this incredible loss. He was afraid he would miss us. A pastor told me his belief was that our loved ones will only blink and we will be with them. Time in heaven is different than time here on earth. Comforting to believe that. But in my mind, I picture God reaching down and Dean finally taking his hand and going home. So his faith here on earth, took him home.... Just my thoughts.... Blessings, Debbie

Caroline, Welcome to this "family". I hope and pray you find comfort and peace as the folks here have been so supportive for me. My husband died Oct. 10th of this year and I at 52, feel like others look at me "differently". I agree that getting out helps, although its not always easy. For me, aside from this forumn, going to grief support groups has helped a great deal. It gives us a chance to meet others on the same journey as we, even though our losses are personal and we each have our own stories, it as so far proved to be healing and informative for me. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful poem with us. Blessings, Debbie

Ted, Would your Dr. be able to point you in the right direction for one you would feel comfortable with? My Dr. added muscle relaxers but they don't really help. Don't make me tired, just spacey. This whole neck shoulder thing is very uncomfortable. It's interesting to see several of us are feeling tension at those spots. Going to attempt on returning to yoga after holidays and maybe that will with relaxing. Hope you find one you can be comfortable with in helping to relieve this "grieving tension", as I refer to it. Blessings, Debbie

Today I had sometime alone and thought about the Chritmas Holiday that is quickly approaching. My son has asked that we have our annual Xmas eve drop-in. So to honor his feelings I agreed. The first step for me was to take our Xmas tree and do a total makeover as to how I usually decorate it. With left over clothes from Dean's things, I made a few bows all in blue. Went and got beautiful frosty light blue ribbon lined with silver, tiny silver balls, tiny silver beaded garland, the words Faith, Peace, and Hope in silver and a very small silver star. There is a cross in light blue that has the words on it as well. Got white clear lights and it is for this year our Memory tree. It looks beautiful. Above it my niece and I hung a cross stitched gift I received that says (in blue) "When someone you love becomes a memory the memory becomes a treasure," Next to it is Dean's Bible on a stand and a place for me to light the candle in his memory Xmas Eve. I shall invite my guests to feel welcome to write a memory about my husband and place it on the tree as well with either blue or silver ribbon. Can't tell you how much peace and love I felt doing that. This was his favorite time of the year and it helped me cope, and remember our life together as husband and wife. Just felt really good to honor his memory and his life. Sure do miss him. Once again, you all are so understanding and its so wonderful to walk through this journey with others. Blessings. Debbie

Linda, Prayers said....heartfelt. Blessings my friend and let us know you arrived safely home. Hugs, Debbie