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All of the blessings I have received and find myself being so thankful for, are and will remain, the kindness, understanding, and caring of everyone here on this forumn. Thank you all for reading, listening, responding, and simply being here. God Bless~ Debbie

Stuart, Thank you for the gift of the right words at just the right time. Blessings to you and your sons as you all walk through this. Our sons grieve much differently then we do, and my heart aches for the answers they seek, and the emptiness they feel, although they may not share this with us, I believe it is there. They want to protect us and I am finding my son has unspoken anxiety of me dying as well, and I have been told this is normal for them to be apprehensive. I will remember your sons as well as you, in my prayers. And by the way, it is so nice to have a man's prospective/advise/kind words and feel the love you feel so deeply for your Heidi. Hugs and a smile. Debbie

Tomorrow I am attempting to return to work 1/2 day and then Friday 1/2 day. Have mixed feelings about returning as I have not been there since September 11. Although my work family was there for me through my husband's illness, it will be hard to go back and take on the additional stress of my job. Find myself counting down the hours as I don't want this time at home to end. It was my time and I feel like when I return tommorrow, they will expect me to be back to "normal". Needless to say, there is no normal to return to anymore. We all change when we go through this journey. I wonder if in fact they can accept the new me? I worry that I am much to sensitive yet to be there. I worry I will not be able to face it all. If not for financial issues/insurance, I would not even consider returning at all. But for now, I must. I will return to my work as a widow. Even though I type that word, it still does not sink in fully. Wonder when it does? They say this all gets easier and I hope that will be the case. Well, hugs from Lancaster Co PA on this rainy morning. Blessings to all, Debbie

My friend, Your holiday away with your son sounds like it will be an opportunity for peace to surround you as the ocean and waves can help sometimes with our healing. We usually hosted Thanksgiving here, but this year my sister is hosting and my son is going with his girlfriend's family to the mountains. I have encouraged him to go and I am staying at my sisters thanksgiving eve and then having my nieces take turns staying with me the remainder of the holiday week-end. Christmas eve I am planning on having our annual drop-in as it is important to Derek. I did buy a large white candle to light in rememberence of Dean for Christmas Eve. Hoping that will allow me to feel his love and presense. ( Unscented of course as not to bother those with sensitivites) I don't think however I can do the xmas eve church service, at least not at my church this year as that was something Dean always did and my sisters and I sang xmas carols to him as he neared his final hours of life. New Years~~~~never liked it anyway and I don't feel like letting go of 2009 with alot of people around. Not sure of that holiday yet at all. I always cooked pork and kraut as it was Dean's favorite. So many things to think about with the holidays. For me personally, I think being with my family Thanksgiving and Xmas will be helpful. It will be tender for them and tears will fall. We will feel the loss in our hearts. New Year's Eve~~maybe junk food, good movie, internet. That is one holiday eve I want to be alone to allow myself to feel, to cry, to do whatever I want. That will be my gift to me. Blessings all, Debbie

Stuart, Saturday nights were Dean and my "date night" as well. We would have dinner out and then go to Park City usually where Dean would sit on the couch and I could scurry around and shop. Those were the nights we had some of our best conversations as my work week was behind me, housework and cooking were caught up and we could concentrate on each other. It was our night to listen to the oldies while driving, getting ice cream in the summer, and just put the rest of the world on hold and be together and connect. How ironic, he died on a Saturday, our day?. We will miss our dates, our loves, our best friends. Lancaster County is a beautiful area and I hope the day comes when you can come back and cherish the wonderful memories you and the love of your life had here. (In your own time) Blessings, prayers, and kindness to you. Debbie

Linda, your words have had powerful meaning,expressing care, kindness and love to myself and I am sure to many others. As you have lifted me up in prayer many times, I now do that for you, my friend, as well as your son. Blessings, Debbie

As linda wrote, thank you. It is a priviledge for me to be able to come here and read all the posts that were written with love and peace and understanding. Blessings, Debbie

Welcome Steely. I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone here has offered me so much. As the others have said, we are here for each other. You have my thoughts and prayers. Blessings, Debbie

Lori, I am so very sorry for your loss and hope God will lead you to whatever would be helpful to heal your relationships with your siblings. Blessings, Debbie

Last night I attented for the first time, a Monthly Grief Support Group. Can't tell you how wonderful it was for me to spend time with others that are in the grieving/mourning process. Not only was it a supportive group, it was a chance for me to experience the losses of others, feel empathy for them, and at the same time, gain insight at how others handle this journey at different phases of their healing. It is a safe place to share your feelings, your tears, and tell your story. At first my anxiety level was very high, but I was able to fight that and stay for the entire time. I am so thankful for programs such as this where we can go and feel safe to share, be with others and just be ourselves. It was a struggle to go, but so worth it. Blessings to all. Debbie

My husband taught me Faith, Love, Forgiveness, Courage, to name a few. He taught me how there can be dignity during the dying process. He taught me to be mindful of other's feelings as he lay in his bed at hospice. He was so afraid of leaving me and our son that we may miss him too much and that he would miss us too much. He taught me life is a gift. That God may have different plans for our lives than we do. So many things he taught me. Live simply, be grateful, allow myself gifts such as the sound of the rain falling on the roof. What a lovely idea for a post where we can try to recall the beautiful spirits of our loved one. Thank you. Blessings, Debbie

Stuart, Just thinking of you this morning and sending positive thoughts and prayers. Your replies were so touching and my heart is aching for your loss. I am sure our loved ones can feel our love for them. Hope you are being kind to yourself as best you can. Blessings to you. Debbie

Stuart, Just wanted to thank you for your kind words and let you know I am thinking of you this morning. Blessings, Debbie

Your words were very inspiring to read. Thank you for hope, courage, and insight. Blessings, Debbie

Stuart, I am so sorry. It was three weeks yesterday that my husband of 26 years passed (at hospice). I also have a son (22 years old) and I felt somewhat the same way. However last night, he moved from the anger stage to sadness and the tears came hard and for a long time. It is really hard on them when they deal with the finality of their losses. I can tell you this board and all the wonderful people have been such a source of comfort for me and I am sure they will be for you as well. Some of the best advise I got from here was to cry, be gentle with yourself, and go at your own pace. I wish I had the right words to say that could help ease your pain. Just know that myself and many others here, care about what your going through. Blessings, Debbie

Linda Hugs~~prayer~~and blessings sent your way. Debbie

Awesome experience. Healing with rememberence and reflection. Candle will stay lit for 48 hours is my understanding. Thank you for sharing. Blessings, Debbie

Fly Away Home 10/10/09 Dean, the time has come for you to fly away. You have traveled through this life to the bright light of your final destination. The one you loved, admired and worshiped has called you home. It was your greatest desire to be united with your Heavenly Father. You are home now Dean,.........forever. When we look up to the heavens, we will think of you. When we look up at the stars, we will search for the brightest star, it will surely be you, looking down on us, reminding us of your love and your spirit. The sound of your laughter will remain in our hearts and your smile will shine through our tears. Yes we will cry, we will miss you terribly. But is's okay, we understand it was time for you to fly away home. We loved you enough to let you go. You are no longer in pain, you feel no sadness, nor will you shed anymore tears. Your earthly fight is over! You are wrapped in the loving arms of God. You are free~~~~free to walk within the pearly gates of heaven. You are at peace. Your home is now with the angels. You have flown away to the most wonderful place! We love you Dean, forever........... Debbie and Derek

Interesting question. Others have said to me "his suffering is over" "you had time to prepare" "he is in a better place" "he is with God now" etc. Two of the best gifts I received were: a family friend reading what was on my mind and telling me " I miss him too Debbie". Another gift came from a Constable that works out of the office I work in. He had not known that Dean had died and when he found out he stopped by to visit and listened to the entire story about my time with Dean at hospice. The gift of allowing me to talk and not interupting or injecting. That was and is a remarkable gift that sticks out in my mind. As our journey through this continues may we all remember the gifts from others and disregard ( or at least try) the people in our lives that can be so hurtful. Blessings, Debbie

Thank you for sharing that section of Romans with us. I read it at just the right time. The words are powerful and comforting all at the same time. Bless you Linda. Debbie

I read these with much interest and wanted to share my experience. A week before Dean died while he was laying in his bed at hospice, he told me he smelled flowers and asked me if I could smell them? I did not. Less than an hour before he passed when I was talking to him and telling him it was time to go with God, I smelled flowers coming from his breath. My sister that was with me did not smell it. What a lovely scent it was. This past Monday I transfered his pick-up truck to our son and when we were driving home in the truck, with the windows up, I smelled the flowers again. Derek did not. I spoke with the Pastor about this and his reaction and words to me were " look at this as a gift and don't be surprised to receive that gift through out your life". I'll take it as a gift and cherish that scent whenever I smell it. Blessings, Debbie

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and understanding. Why is it loved ones try to rush us thru this? Yesterday I was reading a card I received and starting crying, just then my parents walked in and I felt guilty/ashamed for not controling my emotions. It is a roller coaster and I admit, this experience has taught me a great deal of what other women and men go through when they lose their spouse/loved one. I try to count my blessings and remember Dean is in heaven, but that does not make me miss him less. One of the worst things for me are the flashbacks of the his last day here. And then the flashback of the funeral. I suppose this is a normal reaction.? SO glad to have found this site and I am thankful for all your words. Blessings, Debbie

It was 2 weeks ago Saturday that my husband of 26 years passed at the age of 53 at Hospice from heart failure with only 10-15 percent EF. What a wonderful experience to have been able to stay with him for almost 3 weeks. Although I knew the end was near, never did I realize how very much I would miss him. We have one 22 year old son that was the joy of his life as well as mine. I still don't believe this has happened and the littlest thing can make me cry buckets of tears. Trying to get out of the house a bit, but when I return home, it usually hits me really hard. Still have clothes,etc to deal with. Have not yet returned to work as he was in 4 hospitals before finally going to hospice. Thank goodness I took FMLA to be with him day and night, for that I am so grateful. Bless everyone here for what they are going thru. Blessings, Debbie