niamh

rainie, I am so sorry for the loss of both your sons. ALthough I don't know what it's like to lose (or have) a child, I lost my Dad who was my entire world. It is not wrong at all to still miss them, why wouldn't you, they were and are a part of you, I just live in hope that they are all somewhere else now but our bonds are not broken with our loved ones, they have changed in a way we cannot yet understand. Hang onto everything every second of everyday if you want to. I feel it's like a knife through my heart anytime I read anything about "letting go" of our loved ones who have left this earth, how can anyone ever let go, the memories, the loss, everything about them is simply a part of us now, a new part that none of us ever wanted but yet have no choice. Don't let anyone tell you any different from what you know if your heart and I hope you never think it's wrong to miss them or like hopeless says then we are all "abnormal" hopeless, so sorry also for the loss of your son and your husband .......as my Mom often says about all this that it's such an awful cross to bear. I hope you will both find even the tinest comfort on this site, for me it's been and continues to be a lifeline ((hugs)) to all

so beautiful KJO, thanks for sharing

you are more than welcome Christine, I honestly have no idea how I would cope if I had not found this site. Some very close family don't contact me now,granted I too distanced myself because I didn't know what to say to them and things just felt awkward..... yes they care I've no doubt but I think they just don't know what to say or do with me so they are "giving me space" and that can hurt too but at the end of the day I can't tell someone how to deal with me, I can't tell them "I'd like you to email me or text me every so often, on specific dates to simply let me know you're thinking of me" because that makes it too forced, I need it from the heart. I have some friends that are great for listening and in a non-judgmental way, I've tried over the months to let them know the kinds of things that people say with good intentions but just cause more hurt to ensure they don't and they've told me they do bite their tongues many times now but it's what I need, I don't need someone telling me it will get easier, time will make it better, I will find happiness someday because these are all future things and right now I hurt more than I ever have and I simply need to get through this sometimes one minute at a time so I really don't care about the "future". As good as they are, they cannot nod and say yes I can relate to that, I understand that and that's exactly what you get here. I am so sorry your husband is not giving you the support he needs, sometimes I think it is those closest to us that find it the hardest and because we are in such pain, it can be pretty impossible for us to suddenly start helping others how to deal with our grief, it's more than enough to deal with it ourselves.......and especially if they have never experienced anything like it, so much of what we can say and do makes no sense to others, can add to their frustration which in turn adds to our grief as you say. From what I've seen since this happened I think the hardest thing for those that love us it to accept that they simply cannot fix it, they cannot make it better, they cannot take away the pain. much hugs and love to you, Niamh

hi Christine, Welcome to this forum, it's like my online family these days. I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom. Anger like others have said is absolutely part of the process and I can relate when you say you dont know what you're mad about. I think overtime you realise maybe it's related to the complete and utter lack of control in this situation, the frustration of not being able to do anything, not being able to change this (we can have some sense of control over pretty much everything else in life, but not this no matter how hard we try). Sometime it still makes no sense to me that my Dad is not here, how could this happen, WHY ME, WHY SO EARLY in my life ? He should have been coming home for Christmas, for fun, we had shopping to do .....it wasn't supposed to be funeral services, picking out a coffin, a cemetery ........it's just all so wrong. I have screamed, there are times when I've just been in my car, on an open road and screamed so loud and I guess it gets something out the system. I do find with the anger ......for me sometimes I think it's even more than that, it's like an internal rage bubbling inside, with nowhere to go but for me it always ends in tears. Sometimes i think maybe I still don't fully grasp what has happened but some part of me knows something is wrong, so I get angry, I get mad, feel so so frustrated and then slowly but surely reality hits and then come the tears. All I can say to you is to let it out, write, shout, scream, however you need to get it out. Now maybe I'm used to knowing when it starts to come so it doesn't hit me out of the blue but I do still have times where I just feel so mad but I just go with, I'm sure it would do more harm trying to bottle it up, trying to hide it, nope it needs to get out and sometimes just screaming it out can feel like a release. This too is a safe place to let rip, nobody here will tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way, you are entitled to feel what you feel and we all understand that. I hope you will find some small comfort knowing you are not alone with these feelings, and as abnormal as they may seem, they are all perfectly normal .... many others here can relate in some way. ((Hugs)) to you, Niamh

hi Kathy, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, there really are no words of comfort for this, sorry really does seem to be the only thing one can say. Like you I lost my Dad suddenly, it was all routine, he was due home the day he left this world and everyone at the hospital was also in shock .....doctor has to actually be told by someone else eventually to stop CPR as I stood there clinging to my Dad's hand. It doesn't make sense at all, there was a lifetime left in him, we had a lifetime of things left to do. I am only 35 and feel so so cheated out of so much. I am sorry you have the added trauma now of cleaning out her apartment. I live at home with my Mom so didn't have too much to do. Although yes, we ....well, more like my Mom did clean out a lot of paper work etc months back. It wasn't easy, in fact I went through so much of it myself after she threw it in recycle bin, there were things like cards, old resumes with his writing on it ...these were the tiny things I wanted to keep.....who knows if I will ever be able to look at them again but at least I have them. It was only last week my Mom went through his wardrobe to donate his clothes, this really really got to me, I got into such a panic, his clothes have his scent, there are the one physical thing left in this world I can hold, I can touch. Of course yeah there are only clothes, they are only things but when they belong to the one person you can no longer physically touch, for me I want to hold onto these things. My Mom had gone through everything without me, it wasn't a nice scene when I found out. It was last weekend I had to donate them but before I did I went through them all again and took out so many more shirts. I held onto shirts, jumpers and ties. There are websites where people make memory bears, memory quilts and so on from loved ones clothing ....this is something I really want to get done eventually.....having a quilt made from my Dad's clothes, it's something I can wrap around me, for now it's as close to a hug I can get from him (sure he may be around me but I don't sense anything as yet). So if you like this idea then maybe hold onto some clothes, ones with nice colours, nice materials, imagine a quilt made from those. Anything with her writing on it is something I would personally treasure too, it's something unique, something nobody else in this world has the same. I have lots of little notes my Dad used to leave for me, I want to laminate them and just always keep them with me. Maybe you'd like to keep cards too, any birthday, Christmas cards etc ...I know these are things I like to keep also. Photos obviously are priceless, I never ever took enough of my Dad. These are really just some generic suggestions, what's special to some people may not be to others. Maybe as you go through everything, something will tell you "oh I'd like to keep this", your instinct may kick in to find what it most dear to you to hold onto. I'm just sorry you had to join this ever expanding club, none of us want to be here but we have no choice. ((HUGS)) to you Niamh

Happy Birthday to your sweet Mom Deb, 3 birthdays without her, it's so so sad. I've only had one so far and it's so painful. I can't imagine how it ever gets easier, I think we just live with is as best we can. hugs to you x

just sending some ((((((HUGS)))))) and love your way 2sweetgirls, just want you to know you are thought of today like everyday. I only wish I had a magic wand and no need to reply, write or anything, hopefully you've just simply been able to get here to read this message. and will still be here when and if you feel like writing, screaming, venting, anything ((((((((((just for you)))))))))))))) xox

hi Melina, I can relate to your fear, I have it and I my Mom has it too. Like your son, I try not to think ahead but of course sometimes it's impossible not to. It's financial worry, worry about little things going wrong in the house and my Dad not being here to fix/help or look after it and then just the worry of an entire lifetime, birthdays, holidays, vacations all without him.......it's all too much and most of the time still doesn't make sense to me that he won't be back to plan a vacation etc. I do my best to focus on the "now", it was something my Dad always did, he never worried about anything and would always talk about living in the now, the very moment you exist in because that's truly all we have, can't change the past and can't control tomorrow. I could never understand this no matter how much he explained it to me, now I completely understand it and I try very hard to just exist in the now without thinking ahead because when I start thinking of the future, it's too much, it's too long, there's too much he won't be here for. So I try to retreat back to right now and tell myself that right now, this very split second I'm "ok" for want of a better word here. It is very difficult to do but if you can somehow manage it, it brings a tiny sense of calm when the fear and panic becomes too much. I know there is a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I have it at home, it was my Dad's. I guess this is where he got it all from, I've tried reading it a while back but I find it hard to read much these days, for me this feeling of just being in the now came automatically.......the panic and fear simply became too much one day back in December and I started thinking of what my Dad used to say and it calmed me every so slightly. Sometimes now, it happens automatically for me, sometimes I have to try really really hard. When I start thinking of the future and that can be even weeks from now, you know yourself with holidays coming up etc, I try to get myself back to now and I will just start looking and noticing things that are physically around me wherever I am. It's so hard to explain to someone else how to "do this", perhaps there is more in the book than I know in terms of being able to do this but I do know that often it is all that gets me through each day, each moment because the fear of the future and all that time without him is simply too much to process and cope with. Niamh

hi Sharon, that is so sweet. It reminds me of something my cousins 2 children have done actually and somewhere inside me I think I believe children can see a little more than us adults. My cousin's husband was driving to us the day after we lost my Dad last December. His daughter who was 5 at the time began shouting at some point in the journey that she could see my Dad, her own Dad asked her where and she was all excited pointing at the sky saying she could see him in the clouds, in the car with her Granny (who passed 3.5 years before that so she was pretty young yet still remembered her Granny too), she said my Dad was trying to help her Granny find chips (french fries) ....her being so young and them being in a car, looking for chips .......that's just exactly the kind of thing they would do, how does a child so young know things like this. Also, when my Aunt had passed, on the same journey down, her brother who was 5 at the time said the same thing, he could see his Granny in the clouds. I like to think there is so much more to this, children and their innocence allow them to see what we cannot so like my cousins I too think that your granddaughter too has seen your husband and maybe played with him too, many times, it's just not something most of us adults can grasp, maybe we try to hard to understand what it's all about, what the afterlife is, if it's really there and so on, children don't question things like us so it's probably a lot easier for our loved ones to come to children and sometimes I think they don't come running to us telling every little thing about it because its just normal to them and every so often they drop these little bombshells for us adults. at least I hope that's the way it is ! Niamh

OMG 2sweetgirls, NO WAY, my heart is breaking even more for you, I am SO SO SO SORRY, it's not enough to say sorry and I can't find the words. When I saw your name on this post, I got such a shock so I cannot even begin to imagine how this is for you. I wish I could hug you right now, I wish there was something I could say but I'm helpless because I know there's nothing at all I can do for you. just know that we are all here whenever you feel like writing, reading and I am thinking of you, thinking of your Mom & Dad and just sending love and hugs to you. I feel so bad, having no clue at all what to say (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG GENTLE HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Niamh xoxox

Kim that is beautiful .........I was shocked reading your first few lines, they are so so close to what I also wrote for my Dad (someday I want to post it here, haven't been able to look at it since but I hold onto it with dear life). I'd never taken any notice of eulogies before so I simply wrote from the heart, the similarties really struck me !! Your Mom sounds like a such fantastic person, I'm sorry you didn't have more time with her here. (hugs)

hi Brody, like abergsma says just being there to listen is really all you can do. You already know one the main things I personally find important and that is knowing and accepting that you cannot fix it, you cannot take away any of his pain, there is no "cheering up" to be done. It can get more difficult as time goes on because for others, months/years are a lot longer than for someone who has lost a loved one, time stands still to a certain extent for that person so knowing people still have the same patience months or years later means a lot. Yes, I'm sure he will probably always have up and down days for the rest of his life, he will never forget his little girl and the pain of losing her will probably surface from time to time sometimes triggered by certain date/anniversary, sometimes perhaps out of the blue. So all I can suggest is to continue being the kind friend you are to him listening to him without judgement and remembering him and his family. he's very very lucky to have a friend/co-worker like you Niamh

hi Holly, I am very sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and your Dad and in such a short space of time. I lost my Dad suddenly aswell just before Christmas last year. Sorry also for you losing your 2 dogs, I've never had any but I've seen with friends that they really are just part of the family. I hope Holly, you can find some tiny comfort here with the rest of us just knowing you are maybe not as alone as you think. I can relate when you talk of friends having their own lives, while they care for us it's just such a far cry from the love of the parents we now miss so much, nobody else is good enough, nobody else can give us what we are missing. I cannot even imagine handing the keys to tenants Holly, often these are the things that people don't think of anymore yet they are traumatic for us. I too wonder so much about the meaning of life these days and now my Dad has all the answers and I wish I could call him up and ask him. sending hugs your way Holly, Niamh

hi Lostdaughter, I have had a pretty similar pain in my chest too at times.Not sure exactly when it has happened or if something additionally stressful has triggered it but it always goes away after a few days. If you are very worried you could go to your doctor to put your mind at ease and just have yourself checked out. I know my Mom did one saturday morning and the doctor just told her it was bit of anxiety, nothing to worry about. I've also had times where my feet are ice cold and nothing can warm them up, the rest of me feels fine, doesn't feel cold. With regards to the job, for now if you can I would try not to think ahead if that's possible for you, I know it's very difficult because there are always so many worries.Just take it for what it is at the moment, a job to give you money to pay bills and so on, a pay cheque at the end of the week. For me, I know I am not ok in my job these days, I am finding it harder everyday because the work I used to thrive on was taken from me. But I try not to care or worry about it, I focus on the fact that I make it into work everyday. Somewhere in the very back of my mind, I hope things will change, I want to go back to what I used to love but it's too much worry and frustration thinking about it so I just take it day by day, sometimes still hour by hour. So you are not alone with some of the strange physical things that can happen and as I say if you are very worried, a trip to the doc will help put your mind at ease, (hugs) Niamh

hi Sharla, aw thank you so much for such kind words. I just feel I am all over the place with the questions and understanding or lack of understanding about God, afterlife and all that. It is so hard to simply "have faith" when something so so so bad has happened, is happening, we need hard evidence, to simply try to have faith is extremely difficult. While I haven't experienced the trauma you are trying to cope with it makes so much sense to me that you wouldn't be able to talk to him about this, 20/20 hindsight is great but being there in that moment, I can see how do you even attempt to bring it up. Even now with my Mom, I have the fear of losing her, anytime she ever mentions anything about her being gone I simply shake my head and refuse to talk/think or contemplate anything like that. So I can't even say it to her to send me a sign if something were to happen, because it is too much. Yep, I can't even imagine how difficult it is knowing your Dad is scared, Dads are our protectors, they are never supposed to be scared yet of course he is and of course it would be very scary to hear him say that. thanks for asking Sharla, I am still having a very tough time to be honest, I haven't found it getting less difficult, yes I've been improving in things I can do in work but on the inside I am still struggling with everything. I feel so frustrated not being able to go to my Dad, I am simply so so sick of just not seeing him, not having him around. Sometimes it makes no sense to me that he's not coming back, of course my mind knows it's not possible but it still doesn't make sense, how it happened, why it happened, what it all really means. Yep, like you I too find it hard to understand anything in this world anymore, I feel I just don't want anything from this life anymore, I just want to get to the point where I can be with my Dad. There is no part of my life he wasn't somewhat involved in, even something such as going out with my friends........he always drove me if I was going to be having drinks so it's like there is no escape anywhere. Everything I do in life involved him so everywhere I go, everything I do has this huge gaping hole that nothing can fill. I'm so sorry about how you feel about having children now .........it makes so much sense to me what you say. I always wanted to get married, have a family and never for a second ever doubted both my parents would be here for all that. I no longer want any of it and I can't give a straightforward answer as to why, friends often ask why but I struggle to give them answers that make sense to them. The dream just disappeared along with part of myself. I try to imagine it, to see if it would bring any comfort at all but I just don't want it now. I hope your husband can ease up on pushing the medication on you hun. I think sometimes those that love us who haven't experienced this think there is a "fix", something that can be done to make it better when the reality is there is no pill, no quick fix and it's hard for them to just watch from the "outside" when all the want to do is make it better. well, I'm sorry this is all so negative , it's just the truth from my heart. Just know I'm thinking of you and your Dad and I just hope you are getting to spend lots of time with him, I wish I could simply feel the warmth from my Dad's hands again. hugs and love to you Sharla, N xox

you're all very welcome. Carol Ann, yes click update, type in something for the status and then click save, N

when you log into the site, have a look at the top right corner, there will be a little arrow next to your name, click on this and select my profile. In there you will see a tabs called topic/posts .....look above this and there is the option to update your status. to upload photos, from this same page, on the right, almost to the top you should see "edit profile" button, click on this. On the left side you will see an option "change photo", click on this and there is the section to "upload a photo from your computer".....you need to click browse to locate the photo on the computer. hope this helps ! Niamh

hi Sharla, aw while it's good to hear from you, it's so sad too. I cannot even fathom what you are going through having to watch your dearest Dad in such pain. have you ever believed in Heaven/Afterlife/Higher power Sharla ? I only ask because I know my beliefs just got so shook up and are still just all over the place but deep down I think I do have the belief I will be with my Dad again. I just cannot believe love and our bonds just end like that, they must just change and the change is something we cannot comprehend on this side. There has to be more to life than this, it can't just end when our bodies give up on us, surely our bodies are just containers for our souls, our consciousness. Of course I'm not trying to change your mind on anything, it's not for me to do that :-), just telling you my thoughts and trying as always to convince myself I guess. Sharla, there's something I've been wanting to say to you and every single time I write, I think of it, but I've been afraid to write it because it feels so morbid, it makes things too real or something. One enormous regret I have with my Dad is in all or talks of the meaning of life, Heaven, God and all that now I wished I would have said to him to send me a sign if he ever left this world, to have had something between the 2 of us, that nobody else knew, something specific he could send me (a song, a bird, a feather,anything) so that I would know for sure then that he lives on & he is still with me. Not sure my Dad would have even engaged in such a conversation though, he simply refused to ever talk about his own death, but as his little girl,his "one and only" I think I could have pushed it. So, I say all this to you, I really don't mean to offend or upset you more (I know that's not really possible!!) but if I had the chance, if my Dad was still here, I'd make that pact with him. Obviously do with this what you wish for yourself. Something else I've noticed too Sharla over the last 9 months, often times I see it's those that have no beliefs that receive the most comforting things from Heaven/Afterlife or whatever exactly it is, visits from their loved ones in dreams or whatever. I am so sorry hun that your husband is not comforting for you. I don't believe for a second there is anything unhealthy, anger is as much a part of all this as is the sadness. Often people don't want us to be angry because for some reason the anger is thought of as being wrong, as being unhealthy, not being good for us .....I could not disagree more. For me I still have times of anger ....more like internal rage, it builds up and then it erupts in tears most of the time. As long as the anger is not physically harming anyone then there is nothing at all wrong with it. Why would you not be angry because you have to watch your precious Daddy without being able to do a dam thing about it, without having any control over this situation whatsoever. If someone would not say "don't be sad" "don't cry" then they should also not say "don't be angry". It's part and parcel of it all. so I hope you know you are ok, you don't need any drugs at all hun. I wish as always I had words of comfort for you but I know there are none. I will be thinking of you and your Dad and sending lots and lots of love and a huge (((HUG))) to you, we're always here for you. Niamh xox

hi KJO, welcome to this forum, I hope you will find that you are not as alone as you might feel right now and that sometimes some of us can relate to some of what you are feeling. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom, as Ron said, one month, that barely a split second really in terms of grief. Wow, and you have so much other huge changes going on, my heart goes out to you, losing your Mom is more than enough to have to cope with and now you have all this added pressure, I'm so sorry. I think sometimes family can be the worst people to be around with grief, simply because each of you is grieving, each of you is experiencing all of this in a different way because while you are all her children, you each had a special unique relationship with her. Try not to worry or think about that, right now it's all about YOU. The one thing I've read many times about grief is to simply go with the feelings that come without trying to fight them, they are all perfectly normal. Although they are a new normal in some cases, new feelings, new emotions that you may never have felt before, this loss of your Mom is new so does bring so much that none of us have never experienced before. I can relate to your numbness, I think it's a protection mechanism, I believe our minds are either incredibly strong or so weak and they block out the full reality and just give us little doses every so often because the full reality is too much for our minds to cope with. I still have days where I feel a lack of all emotion but I still function, when I truly connect with the full reality of this I fall apart, I cry, sob, get angry, feel I can't even get through the nest 5 mins, but I just go with and let those feelings out, then it's like the full reality goes again and I can function again. I still sit wondering WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE, how did this happen, is it real telling myself yes it's real, I cannot change it and so on. It can be so confusing to feel so many different things at the same time and then sometimes to feel nothing at all. But that's the nature of grief and the shock of it all. It is so hard for friends to watch us go through all this, especially those who have never experienced the likes of it, because their instinct is to fix us, cheer us up, try to make us "better" but none of that is possible. I know some of those cliches are like a knife through the heart, the don't help, it can feel like your hurt and pain is being minimised but just know that as you say they don't know how to deal with you, they don't know what to say and every single thing they say is with the best of intentions, they mean well, of course they don't want to add to the pain but because they really have no clue, some of what they say hurts. With my very close friends, I try to tell them how I feel, I try to explain in a gentle way about the types of words and cliches and how they make me feel ..........it has given them a whole new understanding to grief as it has me. I was one of those people who had preconceived ideas and so many assumptions now unfortunately I know better, I know too well and I wish I didn't. I wish I was still back in my old life, with my Dad not having to deal with grief. It's only now I have also realised that as you say, it does not matter how old a parent is, it does not matter how sick or how sudden we lose them, yes there are some different questions and wishes but underneath it all, it is shear shock and horror when it happens. You say you spent a whole month in your room, well that's what you needed and that is ok. For now I would just say be very gentle with yourself and don't pressure yourself if possible to suddenly try to do too much together. Start with the little things, like getting up out of bed, going to the store ..........it's tiny baby steps are needed now and each little one you take is an enormous achievement ..........others may not see it that way, but it is. Right now you are still breathing, you are still in this world, I think that in itself deserves a pat on the back, because you lost your Mom, the bottom of your world was snatched away, I think losing a parent we lose so much security regardless of whether we were depedant or not on them, having parents in this world with us provides security, so through all this you still live, you still breath and that is job 1 well done. Right now all the little things you do will exhaust you because even as you sleep, your mind is working 24 x 7 simply trying to process everything while at the same time trying to survive, that's a lot of hard work. So yep, it makes perfect sense that spending a morning looking for work would make you feel like you've done a days work. When you feel you need to rest or sleep, take that time for yourself, your body will force it at some point anyways because you are now working 24 x 7 with all of this. The feelings will come when they are ready to, sometimes I find I get frustrated if I go for days/weeks without feeling anything because it's like I know somewhere deep down inside there is something building up, it eventually erupts and comes to the surface .....and most of the time I want it to, I'd rather feel the pain, the hurt, the anger, sadness than feel nothing at all. The numbness makes me feel like such a shell, a living breathing body with organs functioning and not an emotion to be seen in sight. So, keep talking and sharing with us here if and when you are up to it, nobody here will judge what you say,how you feel, none of us will try to fix you, we will simply share our stories, our experiences and be here to listen to you. This site has been a lifeline for me just knowing someone else in the world can nod and know what I mean, I am not as alone as I think in all this and while it doesn't exactly take away any pain or anything, it gives me a small comfort just knowing I am not the only one in the world feeling like I do. sending you an extra large gentle (((HUG))) Niamh

Oh Lostdaughter I'm so sorry for all those changes you have added to your grief. I've had to deal with a big change in work and it is scary,it's hard to find the motivation I once had but I do my best to just take it day by day,and still often hour by hour. Know that you have every right to cry and feel however anytime at all. I too sometimes think my Mom is doing better than me,she says it herself a lot aswell.I don't know why that is,I know i have enormous admiration for her to be surviving this,I know me being here still living with her is mostly what keeps us both going. I still have times when I erupt with anger and frustration and she just understands even though she doesn't get like that. Just know that we are always here to listen anytime.it's so hard when others don't want to hear it or it makes them uncomfortable especially when they are the ones supposed to be there for you.we will never tire of listening to you and I hope you know that. I only told my aunt last weekend I wished I had asked my Dad so much more about his Mom,his childhood,i wish my Granny was still here too,(lost her at 22).....it's now I am interested in the old times but it's too late,at least on this earth. I don't have words of wisdom unfortunately but sending love and hugs your way Niamh

Big hugs to you Aquarius, so often yours and others words apply to me too but often I can't find the words myself. I wish we could change it all,I wish our parents could come visit,a visit we would be aware of to give us comfort. In the meantime just know I'm on this road with you (((()))))

hi Daugher2010, I'm so sorry you had to deal with your Dad's birthday, those days are so hard, not being able to make a call, send a card, give a gift, share the cake with him, it's just all wrong. It is so hard to grasp why our Dads were taken from us, from this world, all our Dads are just the kind of people this world needs, why are the great ones taken.....I guess now my Dad knows the answer to those life questions and I look forward to the day I can chat with him all about it again. I do get angry at times when I see other people with their Dads who are in their 80s, 90s as you say. We always assumed my Dad would be around until his 90s, he loved life so much, he was such a young 65 year old. Most of the time I hardly feel like part of a family anymore because it's just me and my Mom, no siblings. Only time I feel a family connection is when we are with my Dad's brother and his family, although there is always such a big hole missing from it. loving and missing my Dad always like you, hugs to you Niamh

thanks misswavy, I'm so sorry for how you feel too, those monthly anniversaries are so awful, times goes so fast yet it seems slow at the same time. aw that is rough about the picnic, I had an Uncle promise to have one his famous BBQs that my Dad always loved yet I had never been to one of them. Mom & I waited all summer, we never had the BBQ yet we weren't too surprised either. i'm sorry you can also relate Melissa and I'm sorry for the loss of your mother in law aswell, wow 2 massive blows like that in such a short time. I remember someone close telling me back in January to "treasure" that initial time, she said it sounded like an odd thing to say but yet I had some understanding. Now I fully get what she meant, sometimes I wish I could go back to those few days, revolving door is so right misswavy, everyone was around, everyone cared with such gentleness, everything was about my Dad..........now sometimes I wonder do people remember he did exist in this world, not everyone of course but some. Why people say things they don't mean, I will never understand. It was never something I could get before I lost my Dad and now it hurts more simply because I am just an open wound so it's like a lash of salt everytime it happens. hugs and love to you all, N

That's a very tough question to answer tin because it really depends on the situation.making major decisions is beyond difficult,heck the smallest decision can be tough,simple things like what to eat,what to wear.....there are times when they can be so hard.....that may not sound logical to someone not grieving or someone who hasn't experienced anxiety. To be honest I would think your gfs decision to break up is something she needs right now FOR HER,not to sound cruel to you but right now you are not and cannot be a priority for her.plans for the future are too much to handle.you may hear/read people talking about taking baby steps in grief and that is literally what it is,trying to simply survive this moment,the next minute,the next 2 minutes .....the future as you think of it is beyond comprehension.she may not even be able to verbalise that herself right now and that's all perfectly normal. It takes time to simply understand what grief is,what it does to us,how it affects us.it's a very very scary feeling when it hits because someone can feel like they are losing their mind,going crazy. People do and say things that are "out of character",things that may seem completely illogical to someone else but it's part and parcel of the shock of losing someone. None of us can say whether this is a longterm decision or not for her,she probably doesn't know it herself,because right now none of that matters,right now it's all about her and the loss of her Mom.it's what she needs for now and all you can do is respect her decision no matter what you think or how you feel.as much as you want to talk it out with her (I'm assuming),it's just not what she wants now.I can't even imagine how hard this is for you,you love her,want to help,want to be there but there is nothing you can do right now to make anything better or easier for her,all you can do is respect what she asks of you. I know i have close family I've distanced myself from during this,for me part of it is that they may have tried to hard to "help" in the beginning,for me it was too much pressure,they were listening to me but not hearing what I was saying.grieving is hard enough already without having to worry about how others are feeling so I pulled back because for me I had enough to worry about. Someone recently posted a response she had to someone which was "I cannot help you with my grief" which I think is very spot on,I can't help someone else deal with my grief, I can only deal with me on this. You are a great bf to seek out more info here and I am sorry you are having to deal with your own hurt because of this. I do hope you are at least getting a tiny insight.none of us is in your gfs head,while we can perhaps relate in someways this is complete unique to her.s know that all of what we say is simply based on our own personal experience. Patience is the key,try not to give up on her. For yourself it might be also worth doing some reading/research on grief so you are aware of the so many areas it can impact,it's goes so far beyond sadness,tears,fear and shakes one to the core,physically,mentally and emotionally.

He does seem "ok", that is one of the primary deceiving things about grief as far as I'm concerned, like me, this guy has a job, has to do it and we do our best to just carry on with work when in the workplace. Certainly doesn't mean things are suddenly all better for him or easier for him....it's simply the outside looks ok, the inside is most likely very far from it. I have a colleague that I would consider a good work friend. She will email me or IM me every so often to go meet for a coffee and a chat and I will go and know that I can talk about it. It's difficult to reach out when people say "let me know if you want to chat, if I can do anything". For me I tend not to, but if someone I am comfortable with asks me to go for a coffee/chat I will go and it is very appreciated when they do this. He also may not bring it up himself in a conversation with you, I tend not to bring it up in conversation myself in work unless someone asks, again I guess it's fear of people's reactions & expectations. Perhaps even saying to him "I know today is 6 weeks for you, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and your family"............it's not a question but it also lets him know you are thinking about more than the "normal colleague" and he probably will know then you are there to listen if he decides to open up but at the same time, there is no question to be answered so he's not under pressure to respond specifically to anything. hope this helps