niamh

hi Brody, I'm really not sure how to answer your question. What kind of relationship do you have with this person, is he a friend or just a colleague that you have a good working relationship with. Has he opened up to you before about his grief and pain ? Does he still tend to open up or does he brush it off in any way ? Reason I ask is that for me personally in work, unless I am actually friends with someone I don't like people asking face to face about my actual feelings etc,I guess it feels like pressure to me, because the pain is still so raw, I don't want to be telling people I am not close to, because there are expectations. I've had a couple of people do it and I feel ignorant the way I push them away but it's just way too much for me and I guess I feel I want to make sure they know this makes me uncomforatble so I don't want them trying again in a few weeks time. In saying that I appreciate the little emails, or IM messages ......they are simply not as confrontational and it's easier to respond, to brush someone off if I don't want to talk but I'm not forced into saying something to somebodys face immediately, or I can delay the response for a few minutes, a few hours etc. This is simply my personal feelings for me, my grief and my workplace. Others may feel differently. It is very difficult to know what to do in the workplace and Im not sure any of us will have the right answer for you. Perhaps try to judge from his previous reactions to you when you've spoken to him, asked him how he was and so on. you are certainly a very thoughtful co-worker to have Niamh

thank you all for your kind words. Don't get me wrong, these friends are actually great WHEN I do talk with them...I've tried to be as open as I can about how I feel so they can have some tiny understanding of this, they listen with the most open hearts without ever judging or more importantly trying to fix me as much as I know they want to. Family is a different matter, perhaps it is fear, they have been through it, losing a parent 4 years ago, looks like we grieved/are grieving worlds apart because they have tried to "fix" me over and over to the point where I simply cannot be around some of them any longer for now, some have listened but don't actually hear what I am saying.So for my sanity I've had to stay away for now, I can't focus on making someone else feel comfortable around me, I cannot deny the depth of my pain to immediate "close" family, of all, they are the ones who are supposed to be there.Perhaps they cannot go back to the dark place, if they were ever in it, I simply have zero clue on their grief because they never shared it with me. It really is the tiny things that become so magnified, making arrangement to phone me, call to me, do something I've asked and then not following through on that. I tend not to ask a second time if I don't hear back on something I've asked. It's frustration I guess, I never say I will do anything unless I can do it just like my Dad. Nobody would ever have to ask him or me for an update on anything, it's just the way we were, nobody is ever left waiting or having to ask a second time. These are things that would just bug a little before all this, now as I said it's magnified and just leaves me screaming from my Dad. Maybe the next time they begin to make arrangements I will politely ask them not to make any plans unless it's definite on their part and as for asking people to do anything ............I'm just going to go back to the old saying, if you want something done right, do it yourself. I'm just so sorry that all of you now can relate to what I'm saying because you too have this big hole in your lives. thanks as always for just being there, Niamh

Tin I'm so sorry for your gfs loss of her Mom and now your pain as she tries to deal with this horror. For you to seek out advice on a site like this is testament to what a special caring person you are. I wanted to give you a link to another similar thread a while back which might give you a tiny insight into this http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=4926 for now I think (based on my own grief) your gf cannot even begin to think about the future at all,it's a scary time for her. I would send her a very simple card telling her you cannot begin to understand what she is going through but that you are there for her and you are thinking of her .....nothing more needs to be said,pressure to talk to you is too much right now.she will reach out when she is able to. I hope you can gain some tiny understanding when you read the other thread. I wish you comfort and peace and I hope this will work out for you and you gf. Niamh

I am feeling just so lost and lonely.it feels like another layer has been pealed back revealing a little more of this horrid reality these last few days. I'm feeling angry to with friends and family who are supposed to be there for me. I am truly sick of hearing people tell me they are always there for me night or day and will do anything.at the end of the day it's not the truth,they will be there when it suits them.the few times ive reached out and asked for something it's just a let down so now I really do give up on them.I'm just not going to ask anymore because I really cannot take these stupid let downs. My heart aches so much for my Daddy,he would and could not EVER let me down and I just want him back. I have nobody I really trust anymore,they keep on letting me down.don't give me this BS of being there for me and not following through.I'm not even expecting much,if someone says they will return a call,just return it or let me know you can't call.....that's not much to expect.I know it's being over sensitive but it just plain annoys me and that feeling is being magnified a million times these days. With some if I am not the one who makes contact I hear nothing for weeks/months......yet I've apologised a hundred times explaining I struggle to make contact. Some family cannot even acknowledge my feelings,I say I'm still having a hard time when asked and it's just ignored.....geez thanks for nothing. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.as I keep saying my Mom is truly all that keeps me going. I wish I could fast forward and just get to see and be with my Dad again. right now I'm so angry I never want to see or speak to these people again.I know I will,this anger will pass but things will never be how they used to be with anyone.it will always be in the back of my head about these let downs and never really having faith in what they say to me. Me is all I can rely on now and that's such a lonely and scary feeling,knowing there is nobody in this world who will be there for me like my Dad was. Yeah everyone was there those first few days when this major horrific nightmare began,so yeah I can count on them for the major things but it's now more than ever I need someone to be there.well no more waiting or expecting on my part,no point and at least then there is no disappointment. I just needed to get this out somewhere safe before my insides just explode with all this pain and hurt. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Niamh Xo

Hi kam I'm so sorry for you losing your Daddy too.I'm glad you found this site. I lost mine 9mnths ago,one week before Christmas and it was sudden. I am an only child so I was to quote my Dad "his pride and joy". I never imagined I'd lose him so early in life,I was 34 when it happened and I still live at home. He was so much more than a Dad,he was my best best friend and I've never known anyone so close to their Dads till I found this site. I've had a rotten time with work too.I had my dream job was doing great til this.I was taken out of the role "temporarily" but now I can't go back.it's all just fallen apart,while i still have a job and it's secure,motivation and drive is gone now.the company let me down badly after all their talk of supporting me. Friends no longer call as much and I struggle to reach out like you.every part of me has been destroyed.some days I still feel like I'm in shock like those first few days/weeks/months. In a store earlier today I noticed Christmas candy ....IT'S ONLY 1st OCT. My heart started racing,now the stores will just fill up with everything and I want it cancelled. Usually my Dad and I would make a trip shopping to stock up on goodies for the holidays.it's just not fair and I know I can't avoid everything Christmas related. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a birthday now aswell,they are such lonely times.I miss so many tiny little things and habits we had.it's hard to get my head around them not being possible anymore,I don't get it.I had mine in feb and was off work luckily coz he always sent a nice bday email to me. I am glad for this site though.knowing others can relate and understand the small things,I love hearing about others relationships with their Dads.mine was one in a billion billion but as I've seen here there were lots of other Dads like him.why are all the great ones taken,I wish I knew.nobody needs him more than me and I wish he'd be sent back to me. I hope you keep sharing whenever you are up to it,we're always here.and know that you are entitled to your tears anytime anywhere as long as you live.nobody should ever put any timeline or schedule on you. I don't think people "get over" this,i don't think people "get better"......we are not sick,it's not the flu that eventually ends we just live with it as best we can every second of everyday. Sending Daddy girl birthday hugs and love your way, Niamh

hi hun, Belated Birthday wishes to you, ("Happy Birthday just sounds so sad because I know it's not a happy one). I am so sorry for your pain. It's awful not having those we need and want most call us on our birthdays, I find those special days extra lonely (if thats even possible). I'm sorry you've split with your boyfriend and now your grandparents aren't here to make it better, they both sound just like my Dad ......simply the fixers, the ones who can make it all better no matter what has happened. I'm so sorry aswell that your best friend is not there for you. Did she say something to you or do you just feel she doesn't want to hear about how sad you are ? Do you think it's possible to call her, email her and let her know how much you are hurting and how much you miss her friendship. It's so hard when others can't relate to what you are feeling, people want you to be all better more quickley than you can be, people want the old fun you back and I can so relate when you say you want your old life back. Friends need more patience than ever with us now and that can be hard for them when they cannot really understand our feelings. Do you think you could reach out to her at all ? Do you have other family that are supporting you at the moment ? Just know that we are always here to listen hun whenever you feel like writing. I hope you will be able to get your friend back, it's so hard when people turn their backs because we are no longer how they expect and want us to be, hugs and love to you Niamh

Melina, I can relate to your fear of going back to work. It took me 2.5 months before I could go back to my job, I had tried twice and ran from the place both times, oceans of tears and panic attacks about everything. Do you have supportive management in work ? My company knew how bad things were for me and were thankfully extremely supportive about my return. The made some allowances in terms of my job, taking the pressure and workload off me to ease me back in. I literally walked into the office with a blank slate in my mind,it was very scary, I no longer had the knowledge I used to have, it was buried DEEP beneath everything. For the first few weeks, months even I had very little interraction with people because I didn't want to and to do my job didn't require that much. Slowly things did come back to me and very slowly some of my confidence returned. I am far from the worker I was last year before losing my Dad but doing the best I can. I used to go for breakfast and lunch with my colleagues, I no longer do that. I did go for breakfast the first few weeks but it was too much for me. I couldn't sit listening to weekend plans, meaningless chats and laughs about everyday things. It's not that I wanted everyone to focus on me and my grief etc but I just cannot yet do the general chit chat with people. I asked my boss if I could skip lunch and leave 30 mins earlier everyday and I still do this 6 months later. It makes a difference to me, it's a routine I never had before, it was too hard to leave work at the usual time, knowing my Dad was not also leaving work and on his way home, now it's just a different routine. If it's possible for you I would not force yourself too much back to work. My boss also told me to return on a thursday (not a monday) when there would only be 2 days and then weekend would be here again. I also had a lot of vacation days so for the first 3 months I only worked 4 days a week. If you have any options like this, perhaps talk to your boss, just because things are not standard company policy they may make exceptions for what you can cope with and handle right now. I also take breaks where I try to go outside when there is nobody around so I can just be alone so again if that is something that you can do, just to be able to get away from everyone for a few minutes. Some days go faster than others in work. I do find Monday morning horrendous but as I walk towards the office I just say to myself "ok, I managed to get out of bed, that is good, I managed to get myself as far as here, that is good " and I take it hour by hour in there. It might sound a bit nuts but I do give myself credit for simply getting to the office because it's a big deal to me. I had family asking me when was I going back, that life must go on, that I was making things worse for myself by delaying going back to work..........none of this helped me and angered me very much.........I was still physically adjusting to this and there was no point in me sitting in work in constant tears that would not stop, it was no good for me and it was pointless for my employer. The work itself has become a little easier for me, I can talk to people a little bit more than I could a few months back when it's work related, I still find it very difficult to just chat, I avoid it as best I can. It's not like it used to be, I loved my job and career so much, now I just wait for the day to be over so I can get out of here. sometimes I still want to run from work and never come back, sometimes I want to completely change my career, pack it all in but I can't afford to.In the meantime, most days I take it hour by hour, even now as I type this I know I have almost 5 hours done, only 3 to go and Monday is over. I try not to think of tomorrow, try not to think of this being an entire week of work, that is too much. I too feel like you do regarding the nighttime, I go to bed 2-3 hours earlier than I used to, I don't sleep immediately but for me it's like getting into bed means another day of this horror is over with and I'm closer to sleep where I don't have to consciously think of everything, I can escape for a while. I really hope your manager or whoever is supportive Melina and will realise that for now you may not be the same worker you were before this happened, they need to have patience and be gentle with you. Just take things easy on yourself, if you feel you could even make a call with your boss to discuss something that's a huge step.........if you don't feel like you can have that call yet, then that's ok too if it is possible for you to remain on leave or however it's done. I just hope you can be given the time you need, the 2 times I forced myself back knowing deep down I simply wasn't anywhere near ready, it gave me so much worry, I would spend the entire week before work worrying about it, that was all stopping me from dealing with everything else because I was just panicked all the time about work. Eventually I did have to go to the company doctor aswell and he wrote me out for another 3 weeks .........for me that meant I had some time where I didn't have to worry about work, about going back, it was at least 2.5 weeks to forget about it all. When I started back, I didn't do much besides sit at my desk and go online, but it was a huge step, I was able to stay at my desk, I didn't need to run in a panic. Then slowly I started reading some emails and really just eased my way back in. Step 1 is literally just being able to be in the workplace for a period of time, again I HOPE HOPE so much that you would not be expected to hit the ground running with your job. I hope some part of what I've said makes some sense to you, I don't think it will give you any comfort because I know you have your own fears, your own sadness to deal with but I just wanted to share my experience with you, much hugs and love to you Melina, Niamh

hi Karen, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mom. I too lost my Dad suddenly just over 9 months ago, I still feel the shock of it, sometimes I still find it so hard to believe this really happened, it's not a bad dream I will wake from, it's reality. My Mom & I both find life so meaningless now, we were my Dad's life and he was ours, now we are just hanging on for each other doing the best we can but so much is gone now and we're just left with so much loneliness. I hope you will find a tiny comfort knowing others can relate to your feelings. ((hugs)) to you Niamh

hi Lostdaughter, This was very wrong of someone to give out your number, tell someone to call you without running this by your first. Personally I would remove your number from the list. I find it very difficult at times to talk to life long friends on the phone, not to mind strangers calling up with their problems. Right now you need the focus to be on you. I would ask this woman at group not to give your number out again explaining to her that it is too much for you at the moment. I would also politely tell this other person calling you that you are not comfortable with talking on the phone at the moment and that you need some space. It is not fair for someone you don't really know to offload their problems on you during this awful time, you have more than enough to deal with yourself. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this now aswell. I agree with Lindakay regarding sites like this, people can respond, reply when they are up to it and there is no pressure to if people just don't feel like or don't want to, we all understand. hugs to you Niamh

that is just beautiful Perkins. I hope it brought some little comfort if possible. I am also trying to put together something like this for my Mom. I am trying to get lots of photos that other family members have because they have some where my Dad is not actually posing for the camera which are photos I love. I am planning to get a digitial photo frame that can add music to the background so I can add their fav songs as a Christmas gift and I hope it is something my Mom will treasure and like. My Dad and I always planned her presents, her surprises and now I'm left alone (no siblings) and simply hoping this would be a nice part of a gift for her. I also found a lot of little voice clips a while back where my Dad was describing every photo he was taking when we were all on a cruise together. My Mom does not yet know I have this, it meant so so much to me to have his voice because he never had a cell phone so I thought it was gone forever. Rather than just playing them for her, I want to get it put together properly with the photos to play on tv. It was only about 2 weeks before I found them that my Mom asked to see a video where she thought his voice was on it, but she was mistaken as it was actually her sister in the video who she lost 4 years ago.I guess my Dad sent them to me when I found them 2 weeks later. I would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this , if this would be something nice for Christmas for my Mom. My Dad left this world on 17th December 2009 so we dread the holiday so so much. I certainly don't want to "add" anything more painful (although it's probably not actually possible to make it worse). I know it's something she will like but my fear is giving it to her at Christmas time, thanks Niamh

hi Aquarius7, WOW, where to even find the words for all that you are trying to deal with. I am so so sorry to hear about your home and the lack of compassion from your siblings. While I can't relate directly to that I know the slightest smallest change just knocks me over so I can't even imagine the pain of this enormous change for you when it is so out of control. Don't we all have more than enough change with dealing with our loved ones being taken away. I really don't even know what to say to you. Of course it is beyond heartbreaking to to now seeing an empty house knowing your siblings simply want money from this but you wanted the house for everything that is so much more important than money. I can only assume you are angry about this and you have every right to be, anger is as much a normal part of grief as is sadness, loneliness and so on. I too have had changes that I should not have to even begin to deal with so early on, but like yours they are completely out of my control (although they are very different, because it's work related so not at all as traumatic). I have done my share of shouting, cursing just getting it out of my system to someone with a kind ear who simply just listens. I am sorry it's so tough with your girlfriend now, it is so so hard for those who have not lost anyone to really have the patience and understanding we need. Of course she tries and is probably doing the very she knows but so often it's not enough for us because as you say she can't grasp the depth of the pain. I've woken up a couple of times aswell hearing myself call out for Dad, it's heart wrenching to say the least. For those that have made me angry with their reactions, their dealing with me I simply distance myself from them for now. I feel that it's more than enough for me to just deal with the changes in my life, my reactions, my feelings and I don't need the stress of pressure from others, the need from others to see me behave or think a certain way that is not possible for me now. I just don't need that ontop of everything else. keep sharing, venting or whatever with us here Aquarius. I know I can't take away your pain, I can't make it easier but I can listen with an open non judging heart. ((((hugs))) to you Niamh

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard day missingmy daddy. Everything you say just echos what's in my mind too. The tears are all normal. Sometimes I still go through phases of numbness where I just seem to be void of all emotion, been having that the last week or so and I find it frustrating because I feel like such an empty shell just going on auto pilot without a care in the world about ANYTHING.But I know it will pass and the tears and feelings will come again. I'd rather feel something than nothing at all. I find it so hard just knowing this pain is with me forever, whether it is visible on the outside or just felt inside I know it's always going to be there. Like you I also would give anything to have a hug from him, hear his voice or simply feel him around me. Sometimes my old good life with him all feels like a dream now, so so far away from me. I still find little things that trigger the shear shock of it all, seeing something that reminds me of vacations, seeing images of places we went and trying to understand that I will never do that again with him and it just makes no sense to me. I'm sorry someone asked you about looking for your Dad's office, what a sting to get. I too have days where the smallest thing can just open the floodgates of tears but know that it is all perfectly normal and you have the right to cry if you feel like it. So many of the little chats I would have with my Dad I simply don't have with anyone anymore because it cannot be the same and feels pointless to have them with anyone but him. Lately I've been having the feeling of waiting again, like I am waiting for him to come home. I will hear a car outside my house and for a nano second think Dad's home at last but then reality sets in. hugs and love to you hun, Niamh

hi Chai, No need for every apologising, sometimes we write, sometimes we don't, sometimes we can't. But it is always good to hear from you. Your beautiful words echo so much of what I feel. I too have a fear of the future. I am trying hard in work but it's been very tough. My Dad was always so proud of me and my job, over the last 2 years I finally had my dream role in my department and I worked so hard at it. Now things have changed, I no longer have that role mainly due to things changing in our department and certain aspects being out of control for management. Dealing with a career change right now is beyond difficult and not having my Dad around to keep encouraging me is difficult. Nobody else can supply that encouragement that I can truly believe in and take to heart. Em's post is just so accurate, I love the way you describe it as divided love, they are the exact words. Of course we all still have people who love us, care for us and so on but we are missing the one person who simply loved us with all their heart, the one person who would do absolutely anything for us without hesitation. Lots of people, friends and family say those words, say they would do anything for us but it's not the real truth underneath it all, they will do as much as they can, as much as what can suit them and that gap is truly enourmous. It's that old saying of pure unconditional love I think, that no matter how much someone else loves us, there are most likely still some sort of strings attached to it, however thin, they do exist. I know what you mean when you talk about being the most important person on earth to your Dad, I too am the same. I was his number 1 and he was mine. Of course I still have my Mom and I know I have that unconditional love from her but 50% of what I always knew as unconditional love is gone and cannot ever be replaced, and that's a dam big chunk. I miss our chats about the small silly things and also the bigger things in life. So often we would have our philisophical chats in the car, going to McDonalds when my Mom would be meeting her girlfriends for dinner. They were always some of the most special treasured times. In fact I remember times when instead of going and having the chat with him at home, I would ask him to go to McDs because the 2 became so synonymous with each other and no matter what he was doing, no matter what he was watching on tv (he was a big sports fan), he would always say yes. He would so often come to me on a friday or saturday night and simply smirk saying "would you", that was all he needed to say and we would laugh and off to McDonalds we would go and we could offload on each other. Now my Mom and I do it ourselves, not at the same time (it's like I can't stick to that routine anymore, it hurts too much) but there is so much silence as we sit in the car. I adore my Mom to bits but some things I talk to her about,mostly work related I guess, she tries her best to understand but sometimes just doesn't get it fully. Of course she listens, and always asks about things but she knows she can't give me the response Dad would have and with everyone else I guess it's like they just don't care as much. "they are divided, where he was not" .........thank you so much Chai, it puts words on something that has been hard to explain. hugs and love to you as always Niamh

hey Em, I don't think it's weird at all, it's like there's such a huge hole and you want some part of it filled in a little bit. I feel I just give up with my expectations of others though. I find I always compare it to my Dad and what he would do and it frustrates me to no end that there is nobody as reliable as my Dad, as thoughtful as he was. What gets me the most is that the selfless attitude of my Dad was not just for me and my Mom, he showed it to everyone who ever needed anything. Now I just feel I can only rely on myself and my Mom 100%, I feel like I've lost trust in everyone else and that's hard. hugs to you as always dear friend, Niamh xox

I listened to this last night and I love it, it's another I've added to my youtube favourites.I do think this was straight from your Daddy hun, the words, the timing of it, the fact that you were struggling to find the words to how you felt. I've had a few particular songs come on at certain times and I do think they are from my Dad also. Although it is never enough, a song ? I'd rather sense him, have him visit in a dream but for now songs is all I've got. This is one I posted a while back that you might also like, just click here to see the post and link to it HUGS as always,xo

wow thank you for sharing missingmy daddy, those words are just exactly right just put in such a nicer way than I could ever express. I wish we had an address and phone number for "Heaven" or whatever, I look forward to the day I finally understand WHY that is not possible. havent listened to the song yet but I will, I just love those words, (HUGS)

Belated Happy Birthday to you missyme. I am so sorry your brother is not hear to send you those wises. I feel the same about my Dad, these special days can be extra lonely (if thats even possible) when we don't get those usual calls or emails, cards etc. I too feel very mad about my Dad. birthday hugs to you Niamh xx

hi Chai, It is good to hear from you, you have been in my thoughts. I am so sorry for all this confusion and problems now arising with your plans to bring your Daddys ashes to India. (((BIG HUGS))). I haven't been in such a situation Chai so as I write this know that I write it with such gentleness because I really cannot properly understand the stress and hurt of this all. While I understand this friend M has been so very close to you and to your father I do think that as his only daughter you have the rights to his ashes. I know you wanted to go to India with M but for me looking in from the outside, it sounds like a risk. A risk in terms of any potential additional stress or heartache this may bring for you on your journey. I have no clue what it is like to have someone ashes, my Daddy is buried but I would hesitate a guess that it is just as sacred and special an action to spread someone's ashes as it is to bury them. So, my concern would be that this special trip and whatever exact plans you have in India could become tarnished if this M person did have any sort of episode and did run into any problems in India. Again I can only guess that you would want all of it to go "smoothly" for want of a better word, you want to remember this special time, this special action and I would hate for anything to take that from you. Whether this trip would be painful or somewhat comforting following your Dad's wishes, the main thing is that it is about your Dad, you and any close people who want to be involved. It just does sound like you may encounter additional stress while trying to honour your Dad. I do understand M was extremely close to you father by the sounds of it but at the end of the day you were his daughter and nobody should ever make you feel like their relationship with your Dad was superior to yours because to your Daddy I'm sure you were his absolute number 1 because you were his only precious child. If you are getting messages from several people indicating there could be any bit of trouble at all on this trip then I think it is safest to go without M to ensure that this trip is memorable for the right reasons because it is all about your Daddy and nothing should take from that. well, keep us updated Chai, it's awful for you to be going through this, I am so so sorry for it, the loss of your dear Daddy is more than enough to deal with, all these things should not cause additional hurt. sending so much love and hugs right your way Niamh xx

Darl I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling Jim. 5 weeks is so so early. I could not return to work for 2.5months after losing my Dad suddenly.he was so much more than just my Dad.I too had SO MANY crying episodes with the hyperventalating. Having to deal with the paperwork etc is SO DIFFICULT,I had to do most of it for my mom and I broke down every single time i would have to call someone like banks etc but let me tell you every single person i had to deal with was so so kind and so gentle with me. Do you have a friend or family member you are close with who could help you with these things,even just having someone with you might "help" in the tiniest way. The tears came everywhere I went,everything I did,every thought I had brought it on.it still happens now but not as much,I don't feel it's because I am feeling "better" because I don't but physically I feel my body has adjusted somewhat,it has begun to adjust to the shock of this world that has been turned inside out upside down and simply gone all wrong on me. I still cry loads,sometimes I can't cry at all,sometimes it comes out of nowhere. I wish there were magic words but there aren't. Take the errands slowly if possible,try one on a particular day,let the rest until another day,ask someone to help or do one for you if that is possible. All I have is a hug and some love to send to you.just know it's all normal how you feel,how you react to this huge awful shock. Niamh xx

((HUGS)) Shelley, I hope you have had some better days since this day. Niamh xox

Hi Window, First I want to say welcome to this site, I’ve said it so many times but it’s been a lifeline to me during my last 9 months of grief since losing my Dad suddenly. I am so sorry for all your losses and for the pain you now have. From what reading I’ve done on grief it’s always said that it is never to late to begin. Some people just can’t go there right away but I think it will always surface at some point and I’ve no doubt it can be so confusing and difficult to understand feelings when time has passed. It does not matter how much time has passed, you have the right to grieve, you have the right to feel the sadness, express the sadness and not feel like you have to pretend everything is ok. I think you’ve already taken a HUGE step coming here and telling us your story because it means you are aware of how you feel about everything. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose your Dad at such a young age, I am 35 and I still feel like a little lost child. To have this happen when life is supposed to be fun, you are not supposed to have any major worries is just so unfair. I know there are no words to take away the pain, no words of real true comfort when it’s simply your Daddy is all you need. I hope you will find though that people here may be able to just relate to some of your feelings so you know you are not as alone as you might think. I don’t know what it’s like to lose your Dad in your teenage years but I can relate when I see your write about losing faith in people in general. I find that now, for me I feel like my Mom and myself are the only 2 people in the world I can truly 100% rely on. I do have some close friends that I can be completely honest with about how I feel and although they may not understand they are good for just listening and being there. Do you have any friends or family that you feel you could open up to ? Maybe for now this site can be the start for you. I also relate to some of your fears. We got the phonecall at 3am and although I didn’t actually know the extent of what had happened because my Mom simply said we need to go into the hospital (later I realised they had told her on the phone that they were already 20mins doing CPR on my Dad when they called). Now when the phone rings at odd times, we get a fright. My Mom used to have my Dad call her in the mornings from work when she needed a wake up call. She asked me few months back to do it but now she can’t deal with it. The phone rining while she is asleep is simply too much. Without the security of my Dad we too often fear the worst in many situations, sometimes it feels like nothing at all is going right for us. Just know that you can open up to us knowing there will be no judgment whatsoever, everyone here is so kind and caring and I wish there was more like them in this world. Keep sharing with us whenever you feel up to it. We all walk this lonely road and it’s nice to bump into someone along the way and realise that although we go in different directions, at different paces, we are still on that same road. Sending lots of love and hugs your way hun, Niamh

hi Rory, I'm glad you had time with your Mom and I hope it has helped her a bit. Wow, you went to places you'd been with your Dad, that is something I can't do yet, I avoid most situations that I can possibly avoid where my Dad would have been with us especially if it involves more than just me and my Mom because I can't put on the face for others. I do think that is way more than coincidence, starting a new job, on your Dad's birthday. Wishing you lots of luck and best wishes with it Rory, (hugs) Niamh

hi Tea, welcome to our online family, this site has been my lifeline as I live this horrific nightmare of being in a world without my Daddy. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, Dad, dog and home. WOW, it's more than enough to deal with one single loss, I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. But maybe we can relate in some way to some of you pain and loss and you will know that as alone as you feel now, someone else out there can nod and say they can relate. I am sorry for your husbands reaction to your grief. I do know that until this happened to me losing my Daddy I never had any real comprehension of true grief. Although I had lost very very close loved ones (one grandmother, 2 Aunts who were just my best friends) but nothing stripped me of everything like losing my Dad 9 months ago. I cringe when I think back to things I may have said to my cousins in the time following the loss of their Mom but I simply had no idea of what was going on. Perhaps it might be an idea if your husband is open to it, to give him some information on grief, perhaps some articles and information freely available online that try to explain grief and how it effects people. It may help him to have a slightly better understanding and more patience as you try to process all of this. I recall a friend of mine telling my in December, the one piece of advice she said was not to tell anyone I am fine or ok until I am because as soon as you say you are “ok” peoples attitudes have changed. I stick by that with those people that know me well, those close to me. Obviously to strangers, certain work colleagues etc I don’t let on the true pain of this. But to those that know me well I simply refuse to lie to them because if they cannot still want to be friends with the new sad me then I would rather not associate with people like that. I know there are times when those cliches and certain responses can be like a knife through your heart, for me sometimes I want to simply scream something back to that person. People say things with the best of intentions, they don’t mean to hurt us and think they are “helping”. With my closest of friends, I have tried to explain so much to them about MY grief,my feelings and my reactions. Because my eyes have been opened so wide as to what grief is, I think I have helped my friends to also open up and realise there’s so much more to it all that simply feeling sad and missing someone. I have told them of situations where people say x,y,z and I have told them that I know they want to say a,b,c to me but I try to explain that it hurts to hear that, that it doesn’t help and so on. I’ve never been so aware of the fact that someone can look ok on the outside but nobody knows the torment, the pain going on inside. For me I feel like every single bone in my body has been smashed to pieces, while physically I can walk, talk, work and so on, inside is like a bomb exploded and sometimes I wonder if those parts can ever be put back together again. Just know that we are always here to listen and share our stories, our pain, our feelings with you. Sending lots of love and hugs your way Niamh

thank you too missingmy daddy, wow, what a special story you have. Your Daddy sounds so so wonderful, that's such an understatement. I cannot understand why the great special ones are taken from us so soon, so early. My Dad had no grandchildren, it was something I looked forward to and hoped for one day. He loved children so much and they loved him too, he was just a big kid at heart really. I don't have that dream anymore like so many other dreams that have gone with him. I'm glad your Daddy has given you so much in life and I just wish you had so much longer than 13 years with him. My Dad used to call me kiddo aswell once in a while . I am a grown adult but I miss the security of my Dad so much, just knowing he was always there, the world felt safe, anything could happen but as long as Dad was around, it didn't matter, things were always good. I always dreaded the day he would be taken from me, I feared it so much more in the last 2 years. I still have days 9 months later where I feel shell shocked that this has really happened. There was so much more left for us to do together. Now my Mom is my life and keeps me going. I hate that I never got the chance to "give back" to him, it was something I always wanted to do for both of them. His was so kind, so so selfless, like your Daddy mine taught me so much. I am forever proud of the man that is my Dad. I try now to do the things he did for my Mom, the things he did for me, I do for my Mom now with all my heart and soul. She sometimes tells me she doesn't expect it and sometimes feels bad or guilty but I just explain that I want to do these things and like my Dad always said to us both "as long as I can do them, I will". hugs and love to you hun, Niamh xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom tamijane,yeah this is probably the only place I've told people I scream in my car,it's the one place noone can hear or see on an open road. I think the anger is perfectly normal,the silliest little thing can set me off sometimes,it's like this frustration for not being able to control any of this,the one thing in life we can do nothing about. I hope you can feel there is nothing at all to be ashamed about and we are entitled to be angry having our dearest loved ones taken from us so next time you need to scream in your car,know there is probably an echo of it with me in my car Hugs to you