niamh

lostdaughter, I am so so sorry for the additional pain you have now. I don't have words of advice or words of comfort, I only wish I did, wish they existed. I am glad to hear you talked to your Mom and I'm glad you talk to her several times a day. I know it doesn't take away your pain but I hope at least it doesn't add to it. Hold on tight to her hun. I'm sorry you cannot trust your bother now. All I can do is hope for some peace with this for you in time. I can't even imagine how distressing it is but hopefully even just being able to vent and get it out here can take some tiny tiny sting out of it. always here to listen and always here sending hugs and love your way Niamh

hi Sean, first of all I am so so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I am only 11 months into trying to be in a world without my Dad and I don't have answers for you. However, everything you say makes sense and I see no problems, 3 years .......that's a long time without your Mom but at the same time, it's a blip in terms of living without her. Many have pre-conceived ideas that 3 years, yeah you should be "better", "Over it", "moved on" ......UGH...... I couldn't agree more with Anthony, we all do it every single day, we are all here still breathing & doing the very best we can. So we may not be doing things to others expectations but that's not a requirement. Nobody has the right to push anyone along as you say. I too find myself distancing myself from those that push, I know their hearts are in the right place but if they can't accept me as I am now, I have to back away for now for my own sanity, for my own protection. My heart,mind and soul have more than enough to deal with besides feeling uncomfortable around those that find my situation uncomfortable. As I say, somedays I can't put on a face, I want to rant and rave about the hard time I am having and some just cannot deal with that after xxx amount of time. So Sean, know that you are far from the odd one out and I hope you will find some small comfort on this site, people can relate. Although we all deal very differently, we all have our own unique grief but there are things we can relate to each other and most importantly for me, nobody here judges, nobody here has expectations. *Pat on the back* for simply still being in this world and doing the best you can with the most horrific nightmare we all face every second of every day. hugs to all of you, Niamh

2sweetgirls, oh wow, what a tough thing to have to go through ........(((((HUGE HUGS)))))......I wish I knew what to say to you. I'm glad the person buying the house is someone so kind and understanding and I do think your Mom & Dad sent her your way. To offer you the chance of visiting anytime is not something many, if any, people would do and even if you never do visit, at least the choice is there for you. I too have a hard time when I visit my Dad, seeing the word "Died" with a date on it, we don't have a stone up yet so it's just a cross for now. Actually most of the time I avoid looking at it, it's too much. I wish I had answers for you, I have no clue when or if it gets better. Somedays I feel I can just simply put a face on better than other days but that's as "good" as it gets. I know this time of year certainly doesn't "help" anyways, so much in our faces all the time as we simply try to survive day by day. just know that I am sending you the biggest HUG I possibly can and a ton of love your way. Niamh

thank you loulou sweetie, I'm so sorry for all yours too. You know I too have been thinking lately about when my Dad lost his Mom, he was on vacation and had to travel over 15 hours to get home and my Mom always spoke after about how from the moment he was told, he did not utter a word until he got home. (and he was a BIG talker!!) I don't remember much of him talking/not talking about it all afterwards. Like you I never knew, never even thought he was having a hard time of it, he never really talked of it and I was ignorant to grief at the time. Wish I knew different but that's life I guess. I can't imagine the pain ever going away, maybe somedays it comes to the surface like yesterday for me, maybe other days it just stays inside. love you loads honey. ((((()))))) Carol Ann, thank you too for your kindness and your hug and I'm sorry for the loss of you dear Daddy aswell. you're so right, nothing can replace what we've lost but there just is something to be said for those that understand, send a hug my way, it's a little antispetic for the wound and I appreciate it so much. HUGS to you too. Niamh

Today is the 18th anniversary of my Mom's sister and I suddenly feel this overwhelming sadness for every loss. She was my Godmother and was adored by everyone. My cousins and I often talk about the way things would be if she were here today, she would probably be our best friend, would get all the gossip from us, things we'd never tell our parents. It was my Dad told me that night, he and my Mom had gone to visit her and my poor Mom found her. They came home late, I was in bed and overheard my Dad saying to my Mom that they should go out to their other sister to tell her. I knew something was wrong, my Dad walked into my bedroom and all that went through my head was "no, I've never lost anyone close to me" but my gut knew something was really wrong and then he told me and just hugged me so so tight as I screamed. That was the start of it, lost my Gran is 1997 who I also adored and was so close to. Then my Mom's only other sibling in 2006. For some reason it just all seems to be suddenly hitting me right now as I type this, thinking of all of them including my Dad, wishing I had him here to hug me like he did that night and the day of my last Aunt's funeral..........as they closed the casket, I lost it but he just held me so so tight, so safely. All these good people, everyone I adored taken from me. I knew this morning what today was but it just suddenly seems to have hit me real hard. We were always a small family but now so many of them gone, I feel left behind, I feel left out. I feel so lonely for my Mom too. I JUST WANT MY DADDY, I NEED ONE OF THOSE HUGS. ok can't write anymore, I'm in work and the tears are just coming fast, I need to get out of here,. thanks for listening and being there, hugs to you all, Niamh x

hi keyboardplayer, BOY do I get your anger.......it just goes beyond anger actually .......just absolute rage as you say. I've always had a pretty bad temper but I rarely lost it and it was always over in seconds. When this hit me after losing my Dad, I had never in my life known any such feeling or emotion, I feel like everything inside me wants to just burst out. I had it a lot more earlier on than I do now (10 months down the road) but I do still get it, it just bubbles up inside me, can come on out of the blue for "no" reason. A lot of the time it happens when I am in my car, definitely not the best time but I guess that's when I do a lot of thinking .......so I've screamed and screamed & roared in the car, nobody can hear .......there is a sense of getting something out when I do this, it is like pressure actually as you say, rippling through every single cell in your body and it needs a way out. The screaming does "help" me in a little way .............so often it does just end in tears for me.....I guess maybe because the reality is there is no true person to actually be angry with, the anger is because my Dad is not here, because he was taken away suddenly, my life was turned upside yet I have nobody to really blame, nobody to lash to, it's just the situation itself. I also think it's just the complete and sheer lack of control. We can control pretty much everything else in life......to a certain extent you know...... but this we can do absolutely nothing about, no matter what we do we cannot change this so that definitely can bring a lot of anger. I hope your piano is ok, obviously you like to play it so hopefully it's still in tact. Maybe like LD says, try a pillow, trying screaming, shouting roaring .......the one thing I know is that when I feel like this, I'm sure there's more damage to be done by burying it and not letting it out ......I have shouted and cursed at home .........thankfully my Mom knows it's not her, she doesn't get hurt or offended and really is actually "glad" that I don't keep it inside and she's told me many times to always make sure I just let it out. I don't have a quick answer for you, all I know is that I hear you so so well. Have you been able to do any work since tuesday .,.......you know what, if you got out of bed on such a bad day and had a shower, then kudos to you ....because that's a big deal, before all this, that was normal everyday thing you do without thinking ..........when something like this turns you entire life upside down and inside out , rips you heart apart........then getting out of bed and having a shower is a big deal so good on you. Just know we are all here, and we can relate and we can share with you. None of us have any quick fixes, there just aren't any but knowing others can nod to what you write will hopefully just bring you some tiny comfort ........you're not going crazy and you're maybe not quite as alone as you might think, BIG HUG to you (and your piano) Niamh

keyboardplayer, I am so sorry for the loss of your Gandpa and your sister and her baby .........WOW that is more than enough for anyone to have to cope with. I wish there were words of comfort but I just do not think they exist, there is nothing anyone can say to make this better, to take away your pain. All we can do is listen and share with you. This site has and continues to be a lifeline for me, nobody has expectations, people here just simply get it, that's it. I found the tiniest comfort in simply know there is someone else in this world who can relate to what I feel today because they too feel it TODAY and are going through it with me. So, keep sharing with us and I hope you will find this ever so tiny "comfort". sending hugs and love your way Niamh

sure do Em and it's like a full force slam when I realise I can't, while I am always aware of it I do find once in a while, I will still actually get a fright when there's just something general I want to tell him, it's usually the real small stuff that this happens with, an email joke to foward and I can't , a new store in the city, many "insignificant" things that others have no idea how it can hit you. ((((())))))))

grace10, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It is lovely to hear you had such a great feeling of love, I had a friend describe it to me, it happened her once with her grandmother and she said there is simply no way to even describe how powerful the love felt. I only hope one day I can know it for myself. I'm glad you found your way here and I hope you will find some bit of comfort just knowing you're not alone in your grief. as LD said, sometimes we write, sometimes we don't but we are always here, hugs to you Niamh

hi redwind, I can relate although it's my Dad is the one missing from this world, from my life and my Mom's. I do have times where I feel so angry, I feel the rage inside and it can be friends that I'm angry with. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell them all to get lost because at the end of the day they are really only there when it suits them .......but that's life I guess, while I will be there for someone else other than my Mom, it will to a certain extend always be when it suits me. My Mom is the only person in the world that I TRULY will do absolutely anything for anytime. I miss that reliabilty, that safety from my Dad, as does my Mom .......we both feel the immense loneliness and knowing that we really only have each other 100% ....everyone else is only maybe 99% reliable. I do tend to avoid being around anyone when I get this angry, because I don't want to say something hurtful, say something I'll regret because underneath it all I guess I know my anger is more about the fact that my Dad isn't here and that nobody can actually fix it properly. So I try to ride it out, knowing it will pass ......it comes and goes for me, sometimes I'm a little angry, sometimes a lot, like every emotion it's just all over the place really. None of my Mom's friends call anymore now to just check up on her, they meet, they have their regular outings like they've been doing all their lives but that extra bit of kindness is gone now .........it does make me angry at my Mom's friends. She has a few friends who do still listen, who still ask PROPERLY how she is so I'm glad of that. For the rest, she just doesn't really say anything anymore when she's out with them, it just all goes on as "normal". People have also mentioned to me and to my Mom about "getting involved" in something .........someone suggested my Mom go join bowling .......she has no interest, she never did and she wonders why people throw these suggestion at her now just because my Dad is not here ........ she just wants to get through everyday as best she can, she doesn't have the energy for something like that. Somedays she finds it hard to even leave the house and go out for a coffee, even though it makes her feel a little better just getting out, she can't do it every day. I guess for some people they handle grief differently, they throw themselves into something new, some new hobby and it seems to help them ...........whether it is simply a long term distraction or not is something I wonder about but for me and my Mom that's just not for us so people need to respect that. I don't have any interest in taking up something, working for 40hrs a week is more than enough for me. You last line just echoes in my head several times every single day wishing somebody cared. The thing is most people do care but I think because the pain, the loss is so intense we feel like others don't care, it really doesn't take much to feel so hurt, so let down ......something that would not have been given a second thought before this suddenly becomes a very big deal. For me personally I think I feel like nobody cares because in my heart I know nobody cares for me like my Dad and that's all I want, that's all I need but nobody can give it so therefore I feel like they don't care at all. Sometimes I compare it to wanting a job done ......a job should be done properly or it just shouldn't be done at all, a half arsed job is no good. Have you tried talking to them about how the grief itself actually affects you .....this is something I do with close friends ......I try to explain the various aspects of it to just give them whatever little understanding they can get ........maybe it's like a little insurance with them ..........so they know if I say something "wrong" or I don't call, if I ignore calls etc that I'm not being out of line, I'm not being a bad friend, things are just so extra tough for me and this is how I'm dealing with it. Maybe with talking to them and being honest it might give them a little nudge to call you, make a trip to see you. So often I think people assume we want to be left alone so they say "call if you need anything" etc but most of the time we don't make those calls, because it can just be too hard to do (without any "logical" reason). Yes of course there are times when I want to be alone, I don't want anyone around but I will be the first to let someone know that. I rarely initiate a call, initiate a meeting but when friends actually ask most of the time I do actually go meet them or I will chat on the phone. Maybe underneath I'm conscious of being so sad, not wanting to bring my misery to others sometimes I don't want to know anything about someone elses happy go lucky life when I'm at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. anyways hugs and love to you and I hope you know everyone on here cares and can relate. Niamh

I too dread it lonewolf, last year it was just a blur, my mind really had no clue what was happening and because it was so close to it that my Dad left then we didn't have 2 months of build up. Now that Halloween is over, I'm getting anxious about it. The stores are filling up with candy and I would normally pick some up by now ......but I just cannot bring myself to buy it, in fact I look away when I see anything Christmas related in stores. Was thinking of asking a friend to get some of our "usual" things for me and then I can just pick it up from her few days before it. I'm so sorry you haven't celebrated since 2001, I adored Christmas as did my Dad and I always "felt sorry" for people who didn't like it. I just thought it must be horrendous to not like it .........yet now I'm part of that & have way too much understanding of why people dont want to celebrate. I wish it could be cancelled. I know my Mom worries about it a lot too so we try to just not even think of it. I'm sorry I have no ideas for you, I can't think or plan anything myself ..........personally I just want to shut myself off from the world during it. ((hugs)))) Niamh

thanks 2 sweetgirls, yep broken is so so true & it's hard to do things when this huge part is missing from us and we just cannot get it back. sometimes I feel a little stonger on the outside than before but all it takes is a feather to just knock me over again so I think it will forever be a bit of tape but it will always be easily "breakable". Yeah, I am so thankful for him & part of me hopes that he will be someone I can go to in future for those things that men usually "look after" or just know more about. hello123, yep I hear you on missing your Dad to talk to. My Mom tries so hard to understand but it's not the same and she knows that too herself especially when it comes to my work and things going on there. A lot of the time now I only talk about the major things that go on there, the little things I don't bother mentioning anymore............sometimes it's like they are all piling up inside me, so many things in this world I want to mention to my Dad, chat to him about and ONLY him, nobody else. I've become a fairly quiet person since all this. I just hate the huge void that's left that nobody can fill and it's hard feeling so incomplete all of the time. hugs and love to you both xo

This is something that's been on my mind the last few days....I don't feel complete anymore,I just don't feel like a whole person. I also find that when I think of people I know personally who've lost a parent or am around them I look at them as not being complete either,almost like there is something wrong with them..... I met an acquaintance yesterday who I haven't seen since Christmas and he's become an overnight friend.had some problems I had asked an uncle (Dads brother) to help me with and it was a waste of time,he snapped a little at me and I just felt like I was bothering him (he's never been a family man)but I thought he'd help me out.I was panicked when I left his office,the tears just poured and poured wanting and needing my Dad,this was something he always helped me with and always calmed me when I'd stress out. Was on the way to meet a friend for coffee with 2 huge red eyes and this "new" friend was with her.he offered to help and I do think my Dad sent him my way,it had been months since I'd also seen mine friend so the timing was "coincidental"....or NOT.I calmed down and he's gonna help me with this stuff! Dad was the first thing that came to mind when I started relaxing so I quietly thanked him!! Anyways back to my point .....this guy lost his Mom about 3 yrs ago so he knows the horror,we've not really talked about it properly but I just feel I look at him as being incomplete because his mom is not here.whatever about me feeling this,I guess I feel bad for thinking someone else I know isn't a whole person or something because of this. Then I started thinking of the couple of others I know (in person)and realized I think the same of them. I feel this ENORMOUS pity but then I realize I'm part of this club. I know it's normal for me to feel like this about me because part of me is missing,part of me is with my Daddy wherever he is but as I said I feel bad for thinking of someone else like this,it's not like it's their fault because they've lost a parent from this world and I know of course there is nothing wrong with them. And all this is only for those I know in person,no part of me thinks like that about each of you.....so it's very odd!! Anyways just some "odd" thoughts for today. Hugs and love to all as usual.

Hi lonewolf You've definitely come to the right place so welcome!! I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom and your Dad. I lost my Dad suddenly last December.he was my entire world,my best friend,confidant,teacher and the list goes on. The world is such a lonely empty place without him. I know people often say time time time but for me I think it's always going to be like this.there is no part of my life he wasn't a part of. I don't care how long it's been for anyone who has lost someone,it's hard,tough,sad and lonely and nobody in this world has the right to tell anyone get over it,move on etc.the fact is some people feel this intense sadness for years,for life and all we do is simply try our best to live with it. I often think well I'm still in this world,my life,my outlook,my attitude is so very different now but the point is I am still here so I don't care what anyone else expects of me. You won't find anyone here judging you or how you feel,we just share with each other and I think it's a safe place to be honest without anyone having expectations which maybe we can not live up to. I hope you will find some litte bit of comfort here. Sending you love and hugs! Niamh

I'm right there with you and loulou (hi hon) with my Dad being my best friend, there was no part of my life he wasn't involved in, none of my friends have relationships with their Dads like I did, until I found this site I never knew anyone else who was as close to their Dads. I'm so sorry your friends haven't been understanding and that your b/f finished it with you, it's so unfair. I think the unfortunate thing is most people cannot even begin to understand this until it happens to them so it can be hard to continue supporting people down the road in grief because people think xxx amount of time has passed you should be "feeling better", it should be "getting easier". But to me I just think well it's been longer and longer since I saw my Dad, it's not like he's coming back anytime so why should things be easier. I know I look ok on the outside now most of the time but that's just it, it's only the outside, it's only the shell, a bomb exploded inside and there are still billions of pieces floating around but nobody see that most of the time now. I was telling a friend the other night that sometimes it hurts that most other people just remembers the big things like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays yet for me it can be something as simple as eating a burger, wondering does my Dad miss this, can he still have them, does he remember them and it makes me sad. Those tiny reminders are everywhere & they hit everday. I do think one of the hardest things if not the hardest is that true unconditional love from our Daddys, even if someone tried I don't think they could come close to providing that security, that invisible yet guaranteed safety net when they were here. I hate the lonely empty scary feeling of that. No matter what ever happened in my life before I would always think to myself ah sure at least I still have Mom & Dad and it would always give me comfort because I would be so grateful & would think nothing else really matters........now 50% of that is just GONE (I have no siblings) and that comfort is gone forever from this life. Just plain SUCKs doesn't it (((hugs))) Niamh

so sorry Em, I do find that I can get really nervous, something will trigger it most of the time for me, something stressful mostly times it will be something that I would have gone straight to Dad about and he would sort it and/or sort me, now there's nobody to "take" that worry away from me, take away that scared feeling. as you well know, tv is my outlet and sometimes I will cling to it so much when that nervous feeling hits. Sometimes I will keep telling myself aswell over and over that this life is temporary, I'm not stuck here forever, that it's only a stopover and my Dad is on the other side waiting for me to get there. Does this always work, nope it doesn't, sometimes I just cry cry and cry about it all, sometimes I feel like everything inside me is just going to burst out because I'm so sad and want him back so badly. I try to tell myself that the nervous feeling will pass or I just tell myself that I don't care about anything anyways, that there is no point worrying about anything because someday I'll just be out of here anyways. As for what my life means now, I struggle a lot with that, it's not that I don't think I'm important but I do wonder so much about my purpose here, of course right now it's for my Mom, that much I do know but outside of that I struggle to find any meaning for my life. (((HUGS))) to ya honey xox

hi Daughter2010, People can really surprise you can't they, I'm sorry you friend was so closed off. I've found that those I thought would have a huge understanding, would listen, would understand because they've been through it are the ones that seem most closed off so I've pulled back from them for my own sanity. Then there are those I don't even expect to hear from send messages out of the blue with so much kindness and understanding, it's a funny old world really. OH I hear you on the sports ......my Dad just loved watching soccer and some traditional Irish sports too. I cringe everytime there are ads on for major games..........so often he would ask me if I was going out so he could watch a match, sometimes I felt bad if I wasn't so he would just go and watch it on a small tv in his bedroom ........now I would give anything to hand the tv over to him. I often wonder if maybe he still watches all the matches, maybe he still enjoys them, maybe he sees more of them now than he ever did ! I find myself wondering quite a bit about these things, what he does now. My Dad was a huge John Denver fan, so sometimes when I hear his music I wonder if my Dad is actually with him now. Have a safe trip to your family and I hope you will find some bit of comfort just being close with them. hugs as always, Niamh

Hi there hello123, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. I lost mine suddenly aswell, he was 65 but probably one of the youngest I knew, we used to laugh on vacation because he was finally getting pensioner discounts. I am glad you have found this site and our ever expanding online family and I am so glad to hear that you don't feel so alone. Of course none of us can take away each others pain or sadness but as 2 sweetgirls said to know at least 1 other person in this world can relate brings some small comfort. Most of my friends don't understand either, it was something we all spoke about in recent years, how lucky we all were to still have our parents ..........never in a million years did I expect to be part of this club so so soon, my Dad easily had another 20 years in him. Yep, it is so unfair seeing others who have no time for their parents, who see them as a burden and yet we are the ones left here without our beloved ones. we are all here to listen and share with you, I don't know how I would have survived these last 10 months without this site, the confusion, the fear, the feeling like your going crazy yet most people around us have no clue whatsoever, but then to come on here and just see others writing what you're thinking just lets you know, it's all normal and there is someone else who understands. much love and hugs to you and a BIG HUGE WELCOME, Niamh

hi schelly, I'm so sorry someone actually stole the little girl from the cemetery, I cannot fathom how or why someone would be so disgusting to do something like that, it's a sacred place with enough pain associated without having to deal with something like this. (((hugs))), sounds silly but maybe ask your Dad and your brother to look after the new one you've got and maybe it will be ok this time, I hope so. Mine is gone just over 10 months and I miss him every second of every day, a good friend from this site said to me recently life itself is just a distraction from it and I think it's so true because no matter what I do, who I meet, where I go, at the end of it all I am still left with the loneliness, emptiness and sadness because he's not here with me. N

hi Daughter2010, I'm so sorry for this awful time coming around, mine feels only around the corner now and it's hard to imagine it's been so long yet so so short at the same time. Sometimes what scares me is know that up to that moment you can say "this time last year" ..........after that what happens, it's "this time 2 years ago" .......that scares me a lot. I think we forever try to understand them not being here with us in this world, sometimes it makes no sense at all to me. I'm sorry your friends go quiet when you bring up your Dad and I can so relate to you wanting to say "say something, acknowledge my pain" .....I've pulled back from those that don't because it hurts me too much, it makes me too uncomfortable to be in such a situation. I've had a couple of people mention wanting the "old me" back and saying when I do xxx then they will know the old me is back. Wow, I wanted to scream but I just politely nodded (one was my boss!!!) because people don't know this changes you forever. I do have a couple of very close friends that I have been completely and totally honest with throughout this, they haven't lost a parent or anyone close so while they cannot understand, they do actually hear me when I talk, they do respond .........I had told them early on the kinds of things that really hurt me, minimised my grief so as much as they sometimes what to say something they bite their tongues ........I think me being so honest with them has "helped" them in a tiny way to just be there for me and be able to acknowledge my hurt and we are able to have a 2 way conversation which means a lot to me, they don't feel awkward and I don't feel awkward and that makes such a big difference. I too feel like you do about family...........my Mom is simply my entire life now, she comes first all the time no matter what. my Dad has been in my dreams the last week but they are not visits, they are just "normal" dreams and then I wake to the reality. I ask him every night to just visit me and I wish for that little comfort so so much. I miss the hugs, I miss that secure reassurance you mention, nobody else in this world can provide it and it's so lonely without him here. I miss our little chats, so often I see something or something happens that I would tell him about, now it just stays inside because there's nobody else to have that chat with .........nobody will listen like he did. So often I hate the little changes that go on around the city, buildings changing, stores changing and I can't tell him about it and these new things are things he never saw, things he's not here for and I hate that change. It's like I want the world to stay the same, be as it was when he was here. yep, one moment as a time as you say, it's all that gets me through this, not thinking ahead and simply getting through minute by minute many days. Do you have anything planned for tomorrow ? I will be thinking of you tomorrow (not that it's different from any other day, I think of everyone I've met on here so much and how important everyone has become to me on this lonely journey) sending you lots and lots of love and a big gently ((((HUG)))) Niamh xo

hi Tori, welcome to this site and you will always have people here to listen and talk to. I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet Mom. I know there's no "good" time for this to happen but it just adds to the sting ever so slightly when it happens around times that are supposed to be happy, when you are celebrating. oh hun, that is so awful what her b/f friend did with her clothes, awful is such an understatement actually. That is tough returning to work within a few days after such a huge shock. Maybe now it's just starting to hit you how real this is ............obviously I don't know exactyly how you feel and I certainly don't mean to put words in your mouth. Just know that 1 year is so early anyways ........I am 10 months into losing my Dad suddenly, sometimes I find it harder now than in the beginning .........now the shear shock has worn off quite a bit, reality sets in yet in everyone else's world 1 year should be enough time, you should be ok now, things should be easier, you should be moving on ............all a complete load of BS. It's not more than ever people need to listen and be there. I'm so sorry you are being told you are not smiling enough and seem depressed all the time ..........this new life we've all been thrown into is not easy and you know what ........you are doing your best and that is more than enough .......who cares if it doesn't live up to others expectations because they are not living your life, they don't truly know your pain and your best is all anyone can do. That's how I always look at this and I think and hope my Dad is somewhere and still proud of me, although I'm not the happy go lucky person I once was, I don't exactly love life these days but I do my best, it doesn't come with a smile or a laugh but it's all I can do. I'm glad you did get the last 2 years with your Mom, of course right now that makes no difference because she's not here now and you should have had so much more time with her. I can relate to you seeing Moms and daughters, I feel the sting everytime I see a girl with her Dad, young or old it hurts so much. I get so annoyed when I see men so much older than my Dad with their daughters, wondering why do they get to have their Dads still around and I don't. Your Mom looks like such a sweet person in the photo Tori and sounds like such a fab person. I hope you find some tiny comfort knowing that some of us here can relate to you, we can't know your exact pain, that is unique to each of us but we can share, we can listen and just be here. The one thing about this site is that nobody judges, nobody tells you how you should feel, what you should do, they are simply there with open ears & an open heart. So just know we are always here. sending love and hugs your way Tori, Niamh

hi Chai, I second what Em says, it doesn't matter what we think and I am glad to know that you've come to a decision that makes you comfortable. You absolutely have my best wishes and I hope the trip will go "well" for you, it's a sacred treasured time doing this and you will be in my thoughts. Have a safe trip and do let us know how it goes. Hopefully your Daddy is right there with you every step of the way, Niamh xx

you're welcome KJO, meant to say you can also include videos as part of the same slideshow !

I found some voice clips associated with photos from my Dad a while back and was never so grateful to have found this, being able to hear is voice although I haven't really listened since because I find it too hard, too wrong that it's only a recording. I had asked someone to put these together for me with the photos so my Mom (and me eventually) could watch them on tv as a slideshow. But it wasn't an easy thing to do, time consuming etc and it was simply forgotten about .....wedding photos and wedding albums took priority and I never asked again. Last week I decided to do this myself and finally got it made. So the photos appear on screen in various random cool ways and each photo has my Dad explaining what the photo is. It felt good to get this done. I haven't yet given it to my Mom because the DVD keeps getting stuck so think the player needs to be cleaned and I want to be sure she can just hit play and sit and watch without interruption. She doesn't know we have his voice recorded so I hope it will be a nice surprise for her, although painful at the same time. When I was checking it on the TV last week, all I wanted was to be able to call my Dad and say hey check this out, how cool is this but he's the reason I've done this so I can't call him to come have a look and it hurts so bad. I am waiting and hoping to get more photos from family and hope they will follow through and root out the photos they have of my Dad. I plan to put them all together on a DVD with some of his fav music playing in the background......and maybe someday I will be able to watch it myself. If anyone is interested in doing something like this there is a software package that is very easy to use to make such DVDs it's called "Memories on TV". I have used it before so if anyone decides to use it and needs any help, has any questions then I am more than happy to be able to help out. N xx

Lostdaughter, I too go through phases of asking similar questions. Although my Dad was in hospital, it was unexpected at 3am in the bathroom and sometimes I wonder about those last few minutes, was he scared, did he think of me and Mom, did he know what was happening, was he pain, the questions go on and on yet nobody can give me answers. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed that last night with him, but there was no need, he was coming home next day, routine kidney stone procedure ....I'm sure the hospital staff would have been looking at me stupidly if I'd wanted to stay. Sorry about your Aunt aswell .........it reminds me of mine .......she died in her sleep at home probably in and around that time too. It was unexpected also and her daughter and I were out at a company function .......my Aunt has asked her to have dinner with her but my cousin couldn't ........I will never forget all the times she told me she wished she had gone to dinner, she wished she would have been at home, she wonders if she could have done something. And me without a notion used to tell her" but you know you couldn't have done anything , you can't think like that" etc ........I cringe so much writing these words, knowing how awful it must have been to hear because unfortunately now I know. So, all I will say is I too have questions, things I wished I could change and sometimes they are are the forefront of my mind ,others times they simply sit quietly in the background, but they never really disappear. HUGS to you Niamh