niamh

3 years, wow Deb, such a LONG time without seeing your Mom, but such a short time too. I dread it being that long since seeing my Dad. I'm glad you have a moment like that to remember your Mom telling you she loved you in those last few days. ((hugs))

hi trying2cope, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. I lost mine suddenly aswell in Dec 09. Sometimes I still feel truly stunned at how real it is. What you say and feel does not sound at all weird. I remember that very moment I realised that was it, my Daddy was gone and my life changed forever, I really felt part of me left with him. I don't have any words of comfort for you, I just don't think they exist. All I can say is to just be very kind to yourself now and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel..........there is absolutely no feeling that is wrong. I don't think it matters what age a parent is when we lose them, we are always robbed of extra time, an extra chat, an extra hug. For me I try not to think of the future, it's too scary thinking of an entire lifetime without him........I try to just get through the next few seconds, next few minutes, sometimes it's hard to do, other times I feel so overwhelmed that I can truly only live in this very split second, right now. I hope maybe you will find some tiny comfort here knowing others can sometimes relate to how you feel. I know I felt a little relief just to know someone else could agree with what I feel.........I don't feel as alone when I know that I am not the only person in the world feeling a certain way. We are all here to share with each other and I don't know how I could have survived this last year without everyone here. sending you much love and a big ((((hug)))) Niamh

hi Mageestarr, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom, your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry you had to endure the pain of seeing her so sick, I can't imagine what that is like. I am trying to deal with the loss of my Dad which was very sudden and so unexpected. I only wish there were answers for your questions, for all of our questions, I have so many too and unfortunately I don't think we will get the answers in this life. I often wonder about my Dad's last moments, he was on his own and I hate the thought of him being scared, not really knowing what was happening because it was all so wrong. I wish so much I'd been with him but when it was the last thing expected there was never that chance. I don't think anyone can be prepared for such a loss .......i've lost very close family before but nothing shook me to the core like this, I don't believe our minds are capable of understanding this until it happens. I still wait for the dream, for the hard proof that my Daddy still lives on somewhere .....I lose that thought and hope sometimes, it just all seems so impossible, I feel like such a lost child. I do hope you will find some little comfort here with others being able to relate to some of what you are going through. sending much peace and hugs your way Niamh

hi almostErin, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom and for all that you had to go through. I can't even imagine, I lost my Dad suddenly without warning. I'm sorry you have to deal with so much now, just the stress and pressure of college added to more than enough already. I wish I could say more but I'm struggling at the moment. I just hope you will find a little peace here knowing others can relate to some of what you are going through. wishing you much peace and comfort, ((hugs))) Niamh

hi Chantilly, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and so sorry you had to endure so much pain watching your Mom be so sick. I'm not sure the emptiness or the pain ever goes away, for me I can't imagine it ever will. Maybe we just learn to manage it a little better, somedays it's visible to everyone in sight, other days it just sits on the inside. I wish I had words of comfort for you but I don't think they exist. I just hope you will find some little comfort here knowing sometimes others can relate to some of what you are feeling. Wishing you much peace and comfort, (((hugs))) Niamh

Sharla, I'm so so sorry for all your pain. I just nod and agree with everything you say,I hear you loud and clear. I only wish I had answers, I wish I knew what this world,this life is all about. I try to talk to my Dad,well complain more like it....I want to be 100% sure he's somewhere but lately it all seems impossible that he can be anywhere so I feel like I'm talking to thin air. I actually wondered today if this life is an extra long game for someone "up there", are we just some dam pawns in a virtual reality game,here for amusement purposes ....sounds a bit nuts I KNOW. I feel so jealous of everyone with a Dad but none of them do little things like go for a spin to mcdonalds just to have a nice chat with their Dad and I don't have the choice to do it. When I hear "you only live once" all I think is yeah and I'm done thanks very much,it's pretty over for me so can I please just go catch up with Dad now,there's a year of crap to talk about!!. My heart breaks for my Mom every single day,he should be sitting across from her watching tv,he should be planning weekends away for them. When I see young kids with their parents especially little girls with their Dads all I think is one day he won't be here with you. The loneliness is so unbearable at times,Id give anything to hear him,see him,I wish I could rewind. My Dads brother went to hospital today for a small procedure,he's home now....STILL ALIVE,it made me angry, why did he do better than Dad,why did he get lucky (sounds awful but he sucks at the best of times,nothing like the man my Dad was and it makes me mad) I wish so much none of us had to deal with this,i have nothing i can write to make you feel better. Just know I'm here thinking same way you do. sending you a special Daddy girl hug and a ton of love hun, xoxo

hi Shelley, Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you too. I too agree with Carol Ann, if you don't feel like going through with it then that's absolutely fine. You will do everything in your own time, when you are ready and able for it and nobody can tell you when that time should be. If you are up to it in 2 weeks then do it and if you don't feel like it, if it all feels too much, then no pressure, remember it's your choice and whatever choice you make is RIGHT, there is no wrong choice with this. I only wish I could take away your pain Shelley. much love and hugs to you Niamh xo

yep I think of that too actually hello123, I don't like things being "normal" now, everyone else forgets SO quickley. oh I hear you 2sweetgirls, I want all my family back that I've lost, I want to hear about the old days when they were growing up. I never took the time to actually sit and chat with Dad about when he was growing up. He would tell stories every so often but I never purposely asked about anything. I too still have to ask myself how real this is and tell myself it is. I'm not sure we will ever fully grasp it really when none of us truly knows what "death" actually is. It's funny you should say that about me living in the same house, I guess neither of us know any different. I had always wondered if I would ever really move out, now I really don't think so. I can't imagine not being there. I think I've only spent about 3 nights somewhere else since it happened and each of those nights I just could not wait to get home again, I hate not being there most of the time, it's like my safe place as much as it hurts not seeing Dad there. But there is definitely a deafening silence in it now. Of course you would still have mixed emotions about selling the house. I remember my Aunt talking about her parents house in December, we were out for dinner the weekend of Dad's 1st anniversary. They haven't sold it yet but nobody looks after it anymore and her son had passed through there recently and called her feeling very sad looking at how bad it looked .....he would have spent so much of his childhood there. She lost her parents within 3 months of each other, must be 6 or 7 years ago now and she just broke down so much talking about it all. I guess it just reminded me that all these things will always just be part of us now. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could go back and see my Granny's house, my Aunt's house (which was where my Mom grew up), sometimes it's hard to imagine strangers living in them now. My heart goes out to you 2sweetgirls, as odd as it sounds I find it hard to believe your Dad is now with your Mom. Sending you both lots of love, hugs and comfort as always, Niamh

hi Jessie, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Grandma. I agree with Carol Ann, everything you are feeling is normal, it's not the normal you are used to, not the normal you know but after something so horrible it is normal. There is no time anyone can put on grief for anyone, as you say she was your entire world, how can anyone put a time limit on any feelings for someone who has literally lost their world. It is absolutely scary when it hits Jessie, I had no clue what was happening to me when I lost my Dad. I had feelings emotions I never could have possibly imagined. So I did lots of googling pretty much with so many of the feelings I had and added the word grief to it ........well slowly but surely I realised I was normal and this was grief, this was what it's all about. I had also always thought grief was about being sad, maybe angry and missing someone but I really didn't know how much it truly can affect every single part of you, physically and in your mind too. Hopefully by coming here reading and talking with us you will just be able to understand it a little more and know that it's all "ok", that you are perfectly normal as I said. sometimes I write lots on here, sometimes I can't write at all and that's ok too. Everyone is always here and we all know that at times it's too much to write ........to go to that place where the pain is so bad. So if you feel like writing loads we;ll be here, if you're not up to it for however long, we'll still be here. There is always someone to talk to here. I still can't talk of the old time with my Dad either Jessie, it's WAY TOO MUCH ......it's like a slap in the face for something I can't have anymore, something that is simply 100% impossible. Sometimes I can write about certain things, for me writing it is sometimes easier than talking but other times I just have a blank mind, like the old life was never real, never happened and I can't remember anything, can't picture my Dad or think of anything we did together. I think it's just our minds way of protecting us, giving us a little break from falling apart. Again all absolutely normal. I spent a couple of months reading here before ever writing. I always read here, don't always write. Sometimes I just have no words, or there's just SO much going on in my head I wouldn't even know where to start so the easiest thing for me is go watch tv, crash on the couch and zone out. I hope you will find some little bit of comfort here with us, and any questions at all you have about anything, anything you think or feel, we can share our feelings with you. sending a (((BIG HUG)))) and lots of love to you Niamh

A while back Michelle Williams (ex-girlfriend to, and mother, of Heath Ledger's daughter) opened up about her grief over the loss of Heath. Some parts really stuck in my mind and I think of them often. She spoke of her sadness sometimes at moving further away from that first year and the thinking of that year. She mentions that it was a year of magical thinking and that it didn't seem unlikely that Heath could walk through the door, nothing seemed impossible I often think of this, I do in a way miss that first year. I recall a very understanding friend who had lost both parents in the last 6 years telling me something ........she said "as odd as it sounds and you may not understand it but treasure this time" meaning those first few weeks, months especially the time I was out of work. Well, I somehow did get it even back then and even more so now. I feel there was something sacred about that time and sometimes I still want to go back to that. Of course I don't want the severe panic etc etc but there just was something "special" about that time. Maybe as Michelle Williams says it's the fact that everything was so so unreal, so much did seem possible. Somewhere in my mind I did think Dad could or would come back. So often that year I would tell myself, hold on till spring, spring would come, nothing happened so it would I would tell myself hang on till summer, then winter, then Christmas,believing deep down that maybe just maybe he'd come home. Losing him was so unreal, so unimaginable, the impossibilty of him reappearing,hearing him come home in his car, open the front door and come say Hi was just as unreal...........why couldn't it happen, it was the right thing that should have happened. Maybe it takes until that first anniversary when you re-live every waking second of the entire nightmare before that magical feeling begins to fade because at the lowest point in my life where I was aware of things(unlike when it happened), my Dad still didn't come back to me, so slowly my mind starts realising that yes it is impossible right now. I do still have my moments where for less than a split second I think maybe, just maybe that noise is him coming up the driveway. Not sure those moments will ever fully disappear. I also really miss being able to say "this time last year" and wishing I could. I remember the moment on 16th December 2010 when I looked at the clock being aware of the last few minutes I had where I could say "this time last year" and that being a time when my life was normal and Dad was here. It was excruciating, knowing I will never ever be able to say those words again in this life.(in relation to Dad obviously!). Now it's just going to move from "this time 2 years ago, 3, 4 5" and so on. Moving further and further away from the good times, the happy days. I just do miss those first weeks, months in such a funny way.

hi Eren, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. Of course you haven't been able to move or pack her things, it's SO SO early for you, 22nd of December, to me that's like only minutes ago really. All I can say is to listen to your own gut feeling and do what's right for you, what you want to do, what you feel like doing when you feel like it. People have the best intentions when they suggest what to do, try, and when one should but every single person handles grief and loss differently, the timings of when people do different things is also unique to everyone so the only person who knows the right thing to do is you yourself. You say you don't know what to do ........maybe that means for now you don't want to do anything, again only you can really answer that. It's important to just be kind with yourself now and I really hope nobody is putting pressure on you to do anything with your Mom's stuff, putting her stuff away is not going to suddenly make everything better and sometimes I think people on the outside have that belief so the can push to put away physical reminders. my Mom did pack away my Dad's clothes pretty early and it make me physically sick, I lost it for hours sobbing but realised after she needed to do that for herself because it was too much when she'd open the wardrobe. But before I donated them I took out LOADS of them to keep myself. But having Dad's things put away, clothes donated etc to me it felt like we were removing every trace of him in this physical world, like he was never really here to begin with and I struggle with that. For my Mom's sake I have the clothes put away but so often I still want to just see his jacket on the chair, his tie hanging on the chair after his hard day's work. ((hugs))) to you, Niamh

hi Princesspeanut, I too can unfortunately relate to what you are feeling. This journey in the last year has opened my mind so much to true grief.........realising that just because someone functions and looks ok on the outside does not mean they really are ok. Because I function pretty well most of the time, I go to work, I deal with customers, I speak in meetings but as you say on the inside I'm dying but most people assume everything is ok now unless I say otherwise. Sometimes I want to remind some of those that have forgotten, they will pass a comment on something I say & I want to tell them that this is still affecting me in so many ways that others cannot see properly. I still remember the exact moments I realised my entire world was crumbling down and I really think I felt part of myself leaving this world .....like you say, the fun happy go lucky person I used be, it's like it left me right there and then in those moments, like my soul and spirit left me and here I still am just a shell with a bunch of working organs that won't stop working as much as I wish they would so the rest of me could go hang out with Dad. Anytime I would feel down about anything I always went to my parents & my Dad would always be the one to just be able to magically take away all the horrible feelings, worries etc and happy Niamh would be back and a chat with Dad is mostly all it ever took. I completely get you not wanting to work out, or do what others suggest. My only recommendation is that you do what you want when you want for YOU. This is all about YOU right now and it's anything but selfish, it just has to be about YOU now no matter what anyone else wants. Everyone deals so differently with this, some find it's good for them to work out, keep busy, keep distracted (I sometimes wonder if that is just preventing dealing with the reality), I'm like you, the couch and tv are my safety and comfort zone and I will stick with them as long as I need them. Nobody can tell you what you need princesspeanut, only you can determine what you need and if that's lying on the couch then go for it and there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with it. Nobody is living your life, nobody had your relationship with your Dad so nobody can say what is right for you now when trying to deal with this because whatever you want is right for you. I hope your partner can simply be there to support you, listen when you need to talk, walk away when you need space, hug you when you need one and so on. I don't think anyone can really take away this pain, I don't think anyone or anything can actual fix us (I know I feel broken), for me I think it's just a case of learning to live with this, trying to manage it as best I can .........somedays that's harder than others. I think losing someone so important changes us, we absolutely lose part of ourselves and I don't think we can ever get that person back. All we can do is adjust to the new person, learn to live all over again. Sometimes I compare this to a baby being born, they can't walk, talk, eat, fend for themselves and we don't try to force babies to walk and talk and get annoyed and abandon them we they don't do it when we want them to, we just guide them and are there for them, helping them along. Well, while we can walk, talk and all that I think in a way we are like new borns, suddenly thrown into a new world we know absolutely nothing about, our comfort zone is gone, everything is new and we have to just begin to learn all over again just like a new born. I too have seen and read about death changing people, I know some people come to the idea that life is short and life is precious etc..........I'm like you, it has completely destroyed my life and my very being, I will never be put back together until I get to be with my Dad again so all I can do is live with the broken parts. I remember watching a tv show a while back, someone died and one of the lines was "life is so short", to which the grieving person responded "not when you've lost someone" .......it's always stuck with me, life is WAY TOO long when our Moms, Dads or anyone else is physically gone from this world. So, I have no words of comfort, I don't believe they exist but I hope that maybe some tiny part of you can read our posts and realise there might just be even one other person in this world who can identify with you. It won't take the pain away or make it easier but hopefully it might give you some tiny comfort to just know you might not be as alone as you think and feel right now. we are always here to share, no judging, no expectations just a bunch of lonely kids trying to get by in this world. sending a big hug and lots of love your way princesspeanut, Niamh xo

I'm glad you're still here Shelley and we are all here with you. I was only thinking of you today actually wondering how you were....weird!! Christmas was rough for me too,I'm so glad it's over and when I meet people I haven't seen since before I still have trouble even just hearing them talk of it.it's done for a year and I don't want to think of it. It's good you have such a kind caring therapist, I really hope you find that helpful. We are always here too so write whenever you feel like it. Sending lots of love and a big hug to you Niamh

hazleprew, oh wow, I'm so sorry that you have this additional trauma added to your grief. It's hard to imagine a doctor saying something like that to your Mom, how dare he. Your health system absolutely failed your Mom, failed you and your entire family. I get the anger with it, with the doctors, the hospital. my Dad was due home hours after he left this world. He went in with a kidney stone and although they confirmed it, he was a heart patient but there way of "monitoring" his heart was simply asking if he had chest pain, as if he was capable of noticing that when he was in so much agony with the kidney stone, he often had to wait 30 mins for the injection to relieve the pain. He was also stuck on a trolley on the corridor of the ER so I often wonder and think it was probably too much trouble to hook up a heart monitor and they probably didn't have room, didn't have power sockets, time etc so just couldn't be bothered. So now me & Mom are left with the consequences of this $hit system we also have, consequences that have destroyed every single aspect of our lives. I asked twice that night we were called to the hospital why his heart wasn't checked properly as it always had been in the other hospital he went to (his "own" hospital didn't have any urologists so he was sent away from it). Anyways, I got real smart a$$ answer with attitude of "we confirmed it was kidney stone, there was no need to monitor his heart" .Because my Mom was with me and I didn't want to upset her more I kept my mouth shut but I wanted to rip into them so badly for not monitoring my Dad properly like he deserved, like every human being deserves. But I followed up afterwards and am in the process of having it investigated if the hospital was legally negligent. It won't bring him back, it won't make things any easier but for me personally if I can have even 1, of the million questions I have, answered then it's worth it. Regardless of the outcome, they will forever be negligent as far as we are concerned. I find the anger comes and goes, well it's always there, it's always inside me and always will be, sometimes it still comes to the surface and I can physically feel my heart racing, my blood boiling. I think part of it is with the hospital but another part is just at the world itself, God or whoever created us, if somebody did .........someone took my Dad from this world and I want that "person" to come justify those actions to me (sounds nuts I know!!!). I think we all think it's not going to happen to us, I think I always thought my Dad was always going to be here, I could never ever imagine a world without him. I was always aware of people being failed by health systems, in my country, other countries but until it comes to your front door we don't truly realise just how bad it is. Now everytime I hear about the issues with so many people on trolleys (it hit an all time high last week) I wonder how many of those families will get the call we got because hospitals are understaffed and under resourced. I wish we could understand it all but we can't. I only hope that you may find some comfort here knowing that others can relate to some of how you feel. sending a big hug your way Niamh

Cat_Lady, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and for the loss of your Dad too. I am an only child too and I cannot even imagine your pain of being in a world without both of your parents. I am beyond lost without my Dad. I always loved being an only child and wouldn't change it for anything but sometimes I find it hard not having someone else who knew what it was like to be my Dad's child. You've come to the right place and hopefully you will find some bit of comfort with others here being able to relate to you. sending hugs and love your way Niamh

That is GREAT news Carol Ann, YEAH YOU!!! I hope it gives you some comfort. Rest up and I'm sure everyone looks forward to you coming back (((Hugs))))

aw Hazleprew I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mom. Yep it's scary to think that noone will ever be there for us like a parent, it's too unique a relationship. I was 34 when I lost Dad and although I do my best not to think of it sometimes thoughts of being in this world for another 30, 40, maybe even 50 years without him, come into my head and I simply don't want to be here that long more. But I try to just get through minute by minute and not think of future as much as I can do. I think the best I can do is live with it, I certainly don't think I'll ever get over it, to me the best happiest days are over with, it can never be like it was before, I can never be like I was before :-( I miss those days of having "stupid" worries, I'd take them all back a hundred times over, 365 days a year as long as my Dad was here to share everything with. *SIGH* I hope you will at least find some small comfort somehow knowing there so many people here who can relate to you, sending you a big hug, love and peace, Niamh

I hear you Hun, I've had that too and seem to at the moment. I feel cranky,I feel it all on the inside but can't seem to get it out. I can't seem to make myself look at photos or think back or forward,it's just too much. I've noticed a few times lately when I hear a noise near the front door it's relief for a split second thinking at last Dads home. I still have a hard time believing how real and permanent it is. Sometimes I've noticed when driving the tears will start to come,I hardly even feel like I'm crying,it's like they just stream without actually crying....if that makes any sense! But then I get home to the tv to zone out! I want to have a good cry and wonder if now I'm afraid to or something, don't really know. I guess nothing I've said helps or suggests anything but just wanted you to know Im there with you. ((((hugs))))

you're more than welcome! i agree yorky,sometimes I have such an idealistic view wishing I could change something in our screwed up system,all we do here (IRE)is complain to each other but most people don't take it far enough to those that need to change the system. I'm waiting to see if the hospital was negligent (they will always be in my mind) but if they are legally then I'd like to be able to fight the system,try for some change,even one tiny one that may prevent someone else dealing with the crap we've been dealt. Who knows but I'll try my best for my Dad.

Thanks Grace,I try hard and keep telling myself he has to be "there" but it never takes much to knock me over feeling panicked about what if he's not,a simple news story,stuff scientists go on about scare me every so often but I try to believe. This so called life filled with stress,pain sadness etc can't truly all be for nothing. I can't wait for the day I hope we'll all be together again. I did get a book called Hello from Heaven where people have these wonderful experiences with their loved ones who've crossed over. I read a little but found it too difficult not having had a real one myself but I hold onto the book dearly and hope someday I can read more. Xo

Drowningman, I am so sorry for all your loss and pain. I only wish there were words of comfort. I just hope you will know that this is a safe place, nobody judges, nobody has any expectations. The title of your post just simply had me nodding and agreeing as if I wrote it. Our stories are so very different but I hope that you can find some tiny comfort (if not a big one!) here sharing with everyone. I'm not sure how I would have ever made it through this last year without everyone here. So I hope you will keep sharing here and there will be some comfort for you in doing that. sending a big ((HUG))) your way Niamh

We had a couple of family get togethers in December, for the first anniversary and for New Years & they included some of my Dad's family that he was close to. Often these occassions they will be talking about the old times, telling stories of when they were kids etc but rarely is my Dad mentioned in these stories & if he's mentioned it's almost like a token mention. On NYE I just got so so sick of listening to "their" own stories, I wanted to hear things about my Dad & just wanted to tell them to shut up talking about themselves. I can't reminisce myself, nor with my Mom, I guess because I am part of those memories it's still WAY TOO PAINFUL. But hearing stories of Dad as a child, growing up, I wasnt part of that so I can listen sometimes but nobody tells them. Our family is so tiny and sometimes I think the day will come when there won't be anyone here to talk of him growing up and that scares me. It makes me miss my Gran loads too, who I was very close to, wishing I had the interest in history when she was still here but I was young and had "better things to do". I don't want it to be forced, I don't want to have to actually ask them to tell me the stories. What's horrible too at these get togethers is the times I would go to say something, sometimes I wouldn't be heard and they would keep talking so I would just keep quiet then, other times I'd tell my story but all the time the one thing missing is the face of my Dad, the interest he'd show, beaming with love and pride, nobody else shows the interest he did. And the times I've been "ignored" again my Dad missing to say "you were about to say .......", he didn't only do this with me, he would always ensure ANYONE would get their say because he took notice of everything and everyone, he was so far from self absorbed. I know so many of you had Dads like this too ...............are we only given ONE single person like this in our lives, sometimes I wish I just knew someone who is even quarter the man my Dad was but as far as I can see they don't even hit 1% of what Dad was. UGH I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare, Niamh

yep I'm with you Aquarius, I always treasured my Dad so so much and knew how special he was. What hurts so much now is that I find myself comparing the way people do things so much to how my Dad would do things and ABSOLUTELY NOBODY comes anywhere close to him. I try hard not to expect anymore because it's guaranteed disappointment. It's such an enormous empty hole that cannot be filled. Princesspeanut, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad, I lost mine without warning too. I try to talk to my Dad too and I just get so frustrated and weary at times because it's all one way. Sometimes I feel I'm simply talking to nobody, just thin air and that hurts. I want so much to be one of those people who is full sure all the time he can hear me, he is still with me just in another form. ((((hugs)))) to you both, Niamh

I'm glad I'm not the only one which I definitely thought I was with this. I have a chocolate bar I had brought to my Dad in hospital on his last night, junk food was all he had the last few days because they just were not giving him food so I would bring some goodies into him. I still have the bar although it went out of date only a few weeks back but I can't just throw it out. I also hold onto the wrappers from his last 2 favourite bags of chips he had at home probably reading a book or watching a football game

Sharla, what a lovely photo of your Dad, he is handsome and wow looks SO young and healthy, it's just all so wrong that he's not physically here now. You know the minute I saw the photo ...........he reminds me of Santa Claus for some reason , just looks like such a fab Dad ! I'm sorry you had people thinking you were being rude, so many just don't get it. (((HUGS)))) N xox