niamh

Am glad you are a camera nut Cali, I always wish I had taken more. My Mom has watched the one with my Dad's voice once, I haven't been able to sit and watch it. Someday I will definitely put every single photo I have together, not just the ones that I have his voice over for but I still struggle to look at pictures. Sometimes I think that because I only have a finite amount of them I want to put it off, because I want to see a "new" photo I haven't seen before and if I do this and look at them all, then I'm done, no more new ones ..........make sense ? Also just looking at any at all I just still find too hard because I just want him here, can't make sense of why he's not & why it's only photos I can use now to see his face. I'm glad you found video clips of her too,as you say seeing her moving, her gestures, her voice ..... I never ever took enough video, very little actually of people, always stupid scenery and things going on around, instead of the important things. Sometimes now I just want to have a video camera in every room at home recording all the time so I get everything my Mom does and says

Ahh ok got it Marty,super stuff ,thanks a mill

hi Daughter2010 that sounds like a very tough dream to have. People have kind of jokingly mentioned it to my Mom about meeting someone else and she absolutely hates when they do. She doesn't want to, it was something she always said over the years actually that there is just no way she would want to or could. Like your Dad mine was just a fab husband to her and nobody could ever live up to him for her. My Mom is 65 and is "happy" to be on her own now ........you know what I mean with that comment ! For me it's beyond comprehension her meeting someone else. Yes you are making absolute sense not being ready if your Mom did decide she would like to meet someone. I'm sorry your Mom is having a tough time remembering those times in hospital, it's so hard when they start kicking in, in your mind........I still have it on and off. While much of it is very vivid to me, at the same time I can sit and wonder how real it was, did I really go through all that and it's hard to believe that YES I really did. (((big hugs))) to you hun Niamh xo

hi Chai, it's good to hear from you. thanks for sharing, as with everything just knowing someone understands this feeling "helps" in the littlest of ways. I'm glad you got to talk with a friend of your Dads and felt like you were in a way connecting with your Dad. I'm glad he told you too about what he missed about your Dad. I'd like to hear that from others ........I guess at times it feels like it's just Mom & me still missing him. I do have friends who listen and they too are encouraging but I guess it's the level of importance to them is not the same. I'm sorry you still get moments like it too, I guess we always will and just have to live with it (((big hugs))) Chai, it's great to hear from you Niamh

thanks Marty, could one of you let me know where that actual setting is please, I can't seem to find it in my profile settings anywhere or the advanced search options. x

great, thanks as always Marty

hi Shelley, I think to a certain extent do we become more focused on ourselves, absolutely because it's a survival thing, we are the only ones who can do this so we do focus more on ourselves. Sometimes I too feel like I am so selfish not "caring" about others but then I sit back and think about it and realise, no I'm not selfish there are just times when I cannot be as there for others as I could be before all this because somedays it has to be about only me. I can tell you that from looking on the outside, I do not see you as somebody who is self centred, I've seen you post about other people you care about, other people you know who've had sick family and so on, haven't you done so much for your sisters children, helping out so much . You've taken time for me, letting me know you are thinking of me..........so I think you are probably being too hard on yourself. Remember too that you have had SO much to deal since losing your parents, which had such a huge positive change last week. We are all only human and sometimes we have so much going on ourselves, trying to survive ourselves that it can be hard to also then be there for others. I know there are times that I know if my Dad was still here then I would be able to be there a bit more for some friends who need it, but that's just not the case so I do the best I can. ((()))) Niamh

hi Marty, Are all posts and topics retained on this site ? I just notice in my profile if I click on show all posts or topics it says "The most recent 200 posts by niamh since 22-February 10".........is there a way to access older ones ? I just want to be able to keep everything I've written and continue to write. thanks Niamh

hi MysticBlndMist, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, I wish there were words of comfort, sorry just never feels like enough to say but the words just don't exist. I'm sorry for all the pain you had to go through watching your Mom get sicker, I cannot even begin to imagine what that must feel like. oh hun, I wish I could take away the feelings you have like you lied to your Mom, the feeling of wondering if she felt abandoned. I have no doubt your Mom knew how much you loved and cared for her and no part of her felt any way abandoned but that's easy to say, the point is you do feel like this now and it's not a simple switch to just turn those feelings off no matter what anyone says to you. So all I will say is just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel now and know that there is nothing wrong with it, no matter how crazy the feelings and emotions are there are all perfectly "normal". I feel guilt on and off about taking my Dad to the hospital he never left, in my mind they screwed up not monitoring and checking him properly and I wonder what if I had taken him somewhere else. Those feelings still come and go and I think they always will but today they are not as magnified as they were in the beginning, it's like now they have just become a part of me and I try to live with it all as best I can, it's all anyone can do. Wow, you have lost so many family members, I'm so sorry hun, I wish there was a way to take away all the pain and just bring them all back to us. I read at the beginning about grief being the best companion I would come to know and to trust grief fully, that it knows the way so to just follow it's lead, I've come to believe that fully. So just know that there is no wrong way to grieve for your Mom. You are not at all selfish for missing your Mom so much, I wish my Dad was back here every single day ........if he is in some afterlife/Heaven or wherever and he's happy then yeah that's great of course but it's still not right to me, here with me is where he is needed most and should be. I'm sorry you've also had to deal with the memorial arrangements on your own, of course it's so difficult trying to do all that on your own when you entire world has just been completely smashed up and it sounds like you have made the arrangements so HUGE well done to you for being able to do this. Please know that you can come here and share with us and you don't have to say that you are ok. None of us have any expectations of each other, nobody judges, people just get it and it just "helps" (I use the word lightly) to know that there is someone else in this world who can relate to how you feel and you realise you may not be as alone as you feel right now. sending a ((hug)) to you and sending you much love and comfort for the service tomorrow. Niamh

thank you all so much for the support. aw thank you too 2sweetgirls,I'm glad you get some little comfort from your group aswell, I'm nervous again now about this week but I'll still go. Hopefully mine will be the same because I'm not sure I'm up for talking this week so it's good to know you don't have to if you don't want to.Of course that could change just hearing someone else talk but right now I just feel like there's so much going on in my head, worries about various things that I just want to ignore everything and not think of any of it for now, easier said than done really. thanks so much Em. Hey I get it too on the acceptance when some people ask me straight out if I feel like I've accepted it yet and I wonder what exactly do they mean by that, it is definitely those of the old school of thought. I don't say yes or no but just say I'm doing my best trying to live with it. We all know our loved one is not coming back physically to us and while yes emotionally it can still sometimes feel unreal, surreal, unbelievable on and off, we still do know it's true, none of us are actually out looking for them, we don't have search parties trying to find our parents around the world do we ? I'm glad Marty posted that info Em on the stages .........throw them out the window hun (((love and hugs))) to each of you, Niamh xx

ABSOLUTELY NOT childish at all Shelley,it's good to treat yourself and do those things that make you feel a little better,it's nice to buy something for yourself,or go see a good movie etc, sometimes shopping is just what's needed to put a smile on your face so GO FOR IT I say :-) ((()))) Niamh

aw thanks Shelley, that's a nice thing to hear. That is tough with your sister gone off on a family cruise, if that works for you you're so right Shelley, maybe watch a good movie or something with some nice munchies (candy ) and just be kind to yourself xo

I hear you Shelley, because it's just my Mom & me now, sometimes I don't feel like we're a family, it's just us two. Yes I have extended family but it's not the same. I think what is hard too is when you always celebrated those times with your parents those times were a big deal to you and to your parents. Because your family were not necessarily always an integral part of them when they moved out, I think it does make you feel like people don't care as much. That is one of the biggest things I struggle with, nobody cares for me like my Dad did. We just cannot fill that void that's missing. I have my birthday coming up and friends are starting to ask what I'm doing (I ALWAYS had a night out) but I always went a night for dinner too with my parents. Now I just want it over with, I don't want to do dinner because I still cannot deliberately put myself in a situation or place where my Dad always was with us. It just doesn't feel like the special time it used to be. anyways, ((hugs)), yep I too feel and KNOW a part of me did leave with my Dad, no doubt about it, Niamh

thank you Marty so much and also for sharing all this information. Yeah, I have done a lot of reading on grief which is probably why I have such a hard time when I hear about the "stages". It won't deter me, I did think that night that I could just ignore that which I don't agree with which doesn't apply to me.. I will absolutely keep it in mind about sharing this info at some point because it is important and the more people that have a better understanding the better, whether it's someone grieving or someone working and supporting those grieving. aw thanks again Carol Ann, I thought of everyone here as I was driving in and wanting to run away from it. Yes, I agree, I think we each are the ultimate experts in our own grief and I guess it takes time to just understand what's going on when it hits us and filter out what doesn't apply to us without feeling like there is something wrong with us because something "generic" doesn't fit our situation.I will definitely keep going for now. thanks Becka, the "best" thing about it really was just hearing and sharing the stories with each other, I guess maybe that's the main purpose of them really so I'm going to do the best I can to filter out the "noise" so to speak. Someone mentioned that hearing me talking was helping them understand another family member, hearing those words truly meant a LOT to me and I felt like it reconfirmed my decision to try it was the right one. I'm sorry you also get the days and dates matching up Becka, I had mentioned it briefly to a friend on email but she had no clue what I was talking about ...........of course she wouldn't, 14months is not significant to anyone but me & Mom. Yep, those days will forever hold the memories for me aswell. Sending you a ((((big hug))). Sleep was pretty impossible last night. Sometimes I hate that now everything just goes on as "normal" on this day, I ask myself "how can it just be an ordinary day because it's not". Oh hun, sorry to hear you Dad being away hits you like that aswell. I used to think like that anytime my Dad was away and I would laugh thinking how silly I was being, I guess part of me thought it would never happen and if it was going to then it would be at least 30 years away. I haven't even planned anything for the weekend, other than this evening, I don't know whether I want to get out,meet friends and try to distract myself in someway .........but no matter what, I'll still have to go home, go to bed and face the loneliness and yep that feeling of abandonment aswell. Sometimes I still want to think oh Dad's just away somewhere. Wish you all a peaceful weekend & lots of thanks as always, Niamh

Glad it's nothing serious Shelley...........you know maybe it is just your body getting things out of it, all the stress and pressure especially in recent weeks, now that things have been shared with your family, you've been feeling better emotionally about everything, now your body is just emptying itself of that stress. Hope you will feel better real soon xx

Glad to hear you had a better day, you are more than welcome. I think it can be real tough sometimes to get support from family when we lose someone simply because everyone is trying to deal with it and sometimes people can be at opposite ends of the spectrum when dealing with it so while you need and want to cry with your family together, maybe some of them need to be able to do that alone .......so it makes it hard. You were right to leave the room and have your cry, I always think it's important to do whatever you need for yourself when trying to cope with this. Sometimes with family I feel like it's this big pink elephant in the room but nobody mentions it. I think it's good that you acknowledge that this is their way too of dealing with it, just sucks really that it can't be the "same" way you need. Yep, we are all in this together and know that we are always here whenever you feel up to writing, venting. None of us knows exactly how the other feels but just being able to relate I find gives me some tiny sense of not being as alone in the world as I sometimes feel. ((hugs)) Cali, Niamh

thanks Carol Ann. So I went last night, ended up going on my own as a good friend of my Mom's who she doesn't see that often (her sister has cancer so she's caring for her) called and asked my Mom to call down for a chat. Mom really enjoys those nights so she decided to go, I was glad for her. She said she'd come to this next week though. Because I was so anxious about it I just couldn't wait another week so I bit the bullet and went on my own. It wasn't as bad as I'd expected, it was a very small room and only a handful of people which threw me somewhat. When it came to telling "my story", the words wouldn't come so they just carried on talking and came back to me and I was able to talk. It's like I have to remove myself emotionally from it to be able to talk, wasn't really news to me but it reminded me how raw this still is to me. The rawness is not something people see everyday but when it comes to talking out loud, it still floors me how real it is. I guess it felt "good" to have some nod face to face and get what I was feeling, made me know I am not the only person in this country who feels like this, because I was beginning to think so!! Even just the committment to go again next week freaks me a little but I'm trying not to think of it for now. They did talk a bit about the so called 5 stages of grief with another added "letting go"...........that really annoys me because there so much more to it and those words letting go I cannot deal with. So I did feel it was a bit backward in that sense and I just hope they won't be the focus of it. so as I said will just see how it goes, thanks again for the support Niamh x

thank you so so much Marty.

My Mom's friend recommended this to her a while back after she struggled when losing her sister. You have to be passed the 1 year mark to attend so it starts tonight. My Mom really wants to go, I feel nervous about it but I said I would at least go a couple of weeks with her and just said I'd see how it goes. The thing is its only on for 13 weeks, so part of me thinks what's the point if it's over after 13weeks, last thing I need is something I want/need to be no longer available if it does go ok. I really don't know the details of exactly what it is, it doesn't sound like the groups you guys have in USA which seem more permanent. I just worry about what people will be saying, not sure I can handle a room full of people being upset and talking about their pain etc.........it's different to here because here we can all come and write and read when we want but face to face with all that is another story. Am also a bit anxious about hearing anything that might annoy/hurt me.....I think my fear is people talking about "staying positive" "you have to have hope" etc The timing of it sucks in a way too, tomorrow is the dreaded 17th and this week the actual days match up to the dates and I always find that a little harder & I've just been irritable & snappy last 2 days and just wanting to be on my own so now I have to sit in a room full of strangers for an hour having no clue what they may say. I know people say that you should always go to more than the first, people often seem to not "like" the first one so I've told my Mom I will give it maybe 3 weeks for her sake. Added to it is my Mom is going to visit some family this weekend for 2 nights so I'm also dreading that. I'm glad for her but the thoughts of her not being at home is horrible & will have me thinking "this is what it will be like someday". And my birthday is the following weekend, so right now it feels like everything is piling up at the same time. Trying to just take it day by day but it's hard when there is so much in the next 2 weeks. anyways, will let you know how the group goes, hate this nervous feeling. ((hugs)) to all, Niamh

Senior, I hear you expecting to see your Mom, I still have moments that yes it's my Dad in the car coming home. I have times especially the days coming up to the 17th every month where I think "how can I not be going to the hospital today to see my Dad". I'm sorry you're having trouble cleaning out her room, all I would say is if you're not up for it, not ready for it, no need to do it just yet. The only reason some of my Dad's things were cleaned out was because my Mom needed to do it, but I held onto way more than she knows. It she hadn't done it I would still have left things as they were. She couldn't open the wardrobe and see his clothes and I can't open it now seeing hers and not seeing all his things. wishing you some peace and comfort Niamh

Shelley, I agree with Marty. And you know what it's always "easier" with hindsight now that you know the outcome and the fact that it's been such a good one and has helped you. But you didn't know that before so of course it's petrifying to do this. I hope in time you will feel proud, tell yourself every day when you get up how great you are to have done all this and how great you are to still be in this world with all that you've been through, you get through it all every single day and that is a victory even if to you it doesn't feel like it. It's always easier too I think for others to see but we sometimes have a tendancy to knock ourselves a bit. In the meantime we'll all keep the pride for you. Great to hear you've had a much better week, ((hugs))) N xox

hi Cali3, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, there really are no words of comfort, I wish there were. It is hard when others are not as caring and understanding as we need them to be, while people mean well there are times when they can hurt so much with that they say or don't say. You have every right to feel angry, there is nothing wrong with that, why would you not feel angry because of this ? You're so right, people do forget quickley yet it's staring us in the face every minute of everyday. I find sometimes people will remember the bigger things like birthdays, they will remember you at Christmas and other major times, but what about the missing emails, missing phonecalls, missing lunchdates, the missing laugh ......all these small things but they are significant but we are the only ones to remember that it's not just all about the major holidays. We miss them all the time, there are reminders in everything we do everyday, not just a sudden reminder on a birthday. I still wish everyday I could wake from this nighmare, am not sure I will ever feel any different, I want my Dad back end of story, I will never stop wanting that. I hear you on the Christmas gatherings, it was my fav time of year and now I want to bypass it so much because it's just torture, actually torture might be easier to bear. Allow yourself to feel whatever Cali, cry when you want and know that it's all normal, there is nothing wrong with you, you're sister is gone, it's not something that you just suddenly move on from, you're still trying to process this, how does one process it properly. Feeling like a mess is normal so just be so kind and gentle with yourself. I hope that from reading here you might find some tiny sense of comfort just knowing that others can relate to some of what you are feeling and going through. Nobody will ever know exactly how you feel, each of our grief is unique just like our relationship was, but sometimes when someone can just say yeah I hear you, I get that can "help" you feel not so crazy after all and not the one and only person in the world feeling like you do. again, no words of comfort, the just don't exist, but sending you a big (((cyber hug))), Niamh

GOOD LUCK Shelley, I hope it will just be more good news for you, xox

Nelly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear grandma and that you had not seen her for a while. You are absolutely not writing too much at all. Nothing naive about what you were thinking either, it's too hard to grasp that someone will actually leave us, I don't think you can ever really be prepared for it all, no matter how much is known beforehand, when it actually hits there is an enormous shock. I'm so sorry you feel guilty but it's normal, and feeling confused, angry, bitter, they are all absolutely normal reactions and feelings to losing someone so just know that. It's so difficult to be without someone who encourages us, I too am lost without my Dad for that, because nobody else can replace that person and encourage us like they did. Your Grandma had her special way just like my Dad and it's one HUGE hole to be left in this world without them. I hope that just reading and writing here you will find maybe some tiny comfort just seeing that others can relate to you, none of us can know exactly how you feel, exactly what you are going through but sometimes some of us can say yeah I get it, it makes sense to us and we can relate is some way. sending a hug and some comfort to you, Niamh

Grace, I'm sorry you understand it too, I do agree that my Dad's words, his encouragement are part of me, to be honest that's probably all that has kept me still here trying to survive this. I have seen the Truman Show Carol Ann, can vaguely picture that scene actually. thank so much for such beautiful words, I know both my parents have given me so much, taught me so much and I am who I am because of them. I guess we have to dig deep for ourselves now for the encouragement etc but it's just too much somedays, like you just can't reach in there, it's too far so you just need Mom or Dad to give that little extra push and as you say Grace, just to hear his voice speak those words (or any actually !) thanks for the hug Carol Ann, special (((Valentines hug)) to you and to everyone, today is a tough day, my heart aches for my Mom so much today and thinking of everyone here who is missing their partners on this day. ((((((((()))))))))))))))) Niamh xxoo