niamh

Angel, I am sorry that you now have to question "are you that far gone". I do think it's a case of him not understanding if it's not something he has experienced himself. It must hurt to have him laugh telling you your are nuts for talking to her, kissing her photo. I don't think there is anything wrong with this and it's not something you should have to hide either. Have you tried talking to him about it ? If you feel your Grandma around you then I have no doubt it's her, it's not your imagination, it's not wishful thinking .........because if it was then I would for sure feel my Dad because I want to so badly but I don't ............so I guess maybe I'm not ready for it yet. My faith and all that has gone completely topsy turvy and I still don't know what to think or believe but when the times hit that I hear a certain song that has a lot of meaning I know it's from my Dad and that whole belief is still completely separate from my faith or lack there of. I think what's changing is your relationship with your Grandma because she is no longer physically in this world to call up and chat to, to hear her voice so now you simply communicate in a different way. You definitely are not crazy hon and maybe he just needs to know a little more of where you are coming from to let you be and not make jokes or call you nuts. You are entitled to deal with this in your way, in a way that gets you through every minute of everyday and I certainly don't think there is anything out of the ordinary with how you are dealing with this that should have anyone concerned or have anyone make any jokes about it. I am glad you feel her around you, I would pretty much give anything to be able to sense my Dad like that, hopefully that day will come. ((hugs)) and love to you Niamh x

hey Em, I do find that I get paranoid about what people think and so many times especially over the last year I've thought people have been annoyed with me when they haven't. I think I get so scared that they are upset or disappointed with me that I feel like I shut myself off from that person, telling myself I don't need them anyways, that the relationship is overrated and so on .........I think it's just a coping mechanism because I do need my friends at the end of the day. When I do find out that they are not mad, that they've just been busy etc that's when I find myself crying. Maybe crying because I doubt myself so much and overthink so much and just always assume everyone is odd with me. ((big hugz))) Em, Ni xoxo

hi meranhel08, nothing at all wrong with you not being able to write, I read every single day too and sometimes I can't post, sometimes I don't have the energy or the words. It will be 2 years for me this December, truth is I can't get my head around that, it feels like only yesterday I started posting on this site when it had only been a few months but now here I am one of those people who's so long into this but it feels like such a short time. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed your time away with your friends, I still really struggle with enjoying anything. I do things with friends and it's "ok", "grand" but I feel like I could honestly take it or leave it, there's no real true joy, I just do it ! You're definitely not alone with the photos and talking about your Dad. I can't look at photos either. My Dad's brother gave me lots of photos last year which I was supposed to get duplicated, including ones of my Dad as a child which I had never seen. I haven't even been able to bring them in to be scanned, not to mind look at them. I keep saying every week that I'll do it at the weekend but the weekend comes I put it off to "next" weekend, still waiting for that weekend. My Mom and I don't talk about Dad at all, we both find it too hard, I just choke up. It all stills feels to wrong for me to be talking about him in the past. Once in a while my Mom will mention something briefly and when I hear the words "before/after Dad died" I think my heart skips a beat, I hate that word, I can barely write it, I cannot use the word in conversation. If I am ever talking about how I feel I will use words like "since it happened" etc, I just cannot utter the real words. I can talk about the grief and the effects it has had on me but I can't get into specifics about my Dad. I can definitely write a little more about me & Dad that I can speak out loud. I can't even think back myself and reminisce in my mind, it's too painful. I did struggle a lot with the 1 year mark so I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I felt like I was losing my mind, felt very agitated that entire week. I know on that day I took some time out for myself, treated myself and just let myself feel whatever I was feeling. I plan on doing the same thing again in December for his second anniversary. I know I'm not the happy go lucky person I used to be but I think my Dad is proud of me, for doing the best I can in this world without him and I bet your Dad is so proud of you too. You're best is all you can do. sending you much love and ((HUGS))), Niamh

hi Babypod, I'm sorry October is going to be so hard and that you are so far away from your Grandmas house and grave. Sounds like you have a real tough couple of weeks ahead of you single parenting added to everything you are already trying to deal with ((((BIG HUGS))) to you. Birthdays are so hard, I've had 2 already and they just plain suck. I always take the day off work, it's too hard knowing I won't be getting a loveable email from my Dad, I find days like that so extra lonely now. Wow, having your Grandma's 6 month anniversary the day after is a heavy load. I still cringe on the 17th of every single month but those "milestones" of 6 months, 18 months etc definitely hit harder. I always treat myself on my birthday, I just go for a nice lunch on my own, take some personal time away from the world and everyone just for me. I wish so much for you that you could go visit your Grandma, do you think there is any way you would be able to go home for a couple of days for your birthday if it's something you'd like ? I don't cry now as much as I used to but the pain is still just as raw every single day, the loneliness is incredible and life just feels very long even though time is also flying by. I find it hard to grasp my Dad will be gone 2 years in December and I will be going into year 3. Personally I don't find it easier, sometimes I feel it's harder now because the support dwindles a little, every goes back to their normal lives, I feel like I'm going further and further down people's "list of priorities". I'm so sorry your husband thinking you need to "get over it", it's hard enough without having to hide the pain and sadness. It is frustrating when others who have lost someone have reacted differently and they have expectations that you "should" be like them. I truly despise those words of get over it and moving on. We are living with it, that's more than enough to ask of someone, you are doing the best you can and nobody should expect or want more from you. I just look forward to the day when I hope too that I will see my Dad again and really that day can't come fast enough. I'm sick of the frustration of wanting to talk to him, SO MUCH I want to tell him, so much I want to hear his opinion on. Now I find myself seeing certain things or hearing certain things in the news and wondering "had any of that started when Dad was still here", and sometimes I just don't know but I just want to be able to chat with him about the little things. As always I wish I had words of comfort for you but I don't. Sending you a big hug and lots of love, Niamh xo

Robert, I am sorry to see you go, you've always been so kind and thoughtful here. We will always be here when and if you can ever access the internet. In the meantime wishing you ALL THE VERY BEST and lots of thanks Take Care of yourself, Niamh

Wow you're another only child,It feels so good to know I'm not the only one.....there seems to be quite a few on here! Not foolish at all to worry about grief groups Spika.my Mom wanted me to go to a 12week one with her last year.....I didn't want to but said I'd go with her the first week to see.let me tell you I got so agitated the days leading up to it,i was petrified,didn't know what to expect,didnt want to go talk in a group with strangers. So the first night my Mom had got a call from a close friend inviting her to her house.....my Mom enjoys those nights and wasn't seeing much Of her friend at the time because she was caring for her sister who was dying of cancer.so my mom jumped at the chance to call to her.she said shed skip the grief group and go the following week. I was fuming,I had been so worried about it I decided to just go myself anyways.....I simply couldn't take another week of worrying. I was angry going to it,thinking this should just be a regular night where I meet friends not having to live the nightmare of my Dad being gone. Somehow I got the strength to walk right in there,shaking from head to toe. I was so glad I went after and Mom and me went for all 12weeks. What was so good was sitting face to face and hearing other peoples feelings,fears etc and realising someone else in my city could relate to me and vice versa.I'd been on this site almost a year and it has been and still is my lifeline.but there was something extra being face to face with someone......having your feelings validated in person.my mom and I even kept in touch one lady and have been to her house,met up a few times and it just confirms that everything we feel is so so normal,altho it can feel like your losing your mind. So that was my experience and Ive seen others here feel similar.....of course it's daunting doing something like this. You will do it when the time is right for you,when you feel like you can do it. I just hope my story can lessen your fear a tiny little bit. I'm sorry work is so hard,I can't even imagine the gap left not having your Dad there.i didn't work with mine but I miss the little things like his calls for tech support,his email jokes,sending him jokes.....my heart still skips a beat when I get a joke I would have sent to him. I used to get impatient sometimes trying to help him with computer stuff.....and he would hear the frustration in me......now I'd give anything to spend the rest of my life on the phone giving him tech support!! Baby steps for everything Spika......what we did without thinking before can now take so much energy physically and mentally so don't be hard on yourself .....and know that just getting out of bed and going to work is HUGE and you should be proud of yourself as I'm sure your Dad is. It's like living on a highspeed 1million mile high roller coaster Spika....I can go for days without crying,I'm always sad but then sometimes out of nowhere the tears can come,without anything triggering it.for me this often happens in my car .....or in bed at night I've had times where it feels like I will burst open the pain and loneliness gets so bad. I don't like saying it gets easier....that I dont believe but I think we learn to live with it,learn to go with the flow of the chaos we deal with. If it hadn't been for this site and the beautiful kind people I really don't know how I could get thru this. So I'm glad you found your way here. I like to think all ours Dads and Moms brought us here as a way to "help" us,let us know that as alone as we feel in the world some people can relate to some of our feelings. ((big hugs))as always Niamh

you're very welcome Spika. Oh wow you are really being given a lot of blows at the moment in addition to losing your Dad. I am so sorry for all the additional stress, it's more than enough trying to just cope with the loss of your Dad, not to mind anything else. But I hear you, I'm there every so often it feels like everything goes wrong and I wish I could just get a break. I don't know where you live but is there any system whereby you can go to doctor or hospital even if you have no insurance, some kind of social welfare benefit ? I'm sorry you have the worry of his health now too. It reminds me in a way of my Mom, she smokes too and I've tried everything from encouraging her to getting angry, to telling her how much it scares me. She's having some tests done at the moment, complete lack of energy etc which she's been told it is the smoking ....she's 66 so I HATE seeing her unable to walk far etc. But it's probably one of her few enjoyments now without my Dad with her so sometimes I just have to let it go. But I don't want to lose her anytime soon because of this, I want her to have the option of going on vacation sometime and being able to walk to sightsee etc. Ugh I get so frustrated because she doesn't want to give them up so there;s no trying at all. You so right it is very very hard if not impossible right now for you to be there fully for your b/f, you have your grief to deal with and it's very consuming and tirying. You know my Mom said last year she thought she was doing better than me and to some extent I do think so. Why ? I'm not sure, perhaps it's because she lost her Mom, she also lost 2 sisters who were her best friends ..........so she's been through the traumatic grief before ..............although I've lost aunts, grandparents & friends it's just not the same, losing them was hard but it didn't destroy every part of me and my life like losing my Dad did. I don't have siblings so can't relate to that type of loss. Having said that my Mom still has a tough time, still doesn't think she will ever be truly happy again and I'm right there with her. Can you take any sick leave from work for a couple of weeks ? I'm sure your doctor should be able to give you sick cert so you can just have some breathing space to allow you begin to process this and allow your body adjust. One thing I will say if you can is try not to think about what other people think, your grief and your Mom's grief is so different, the relationship each of you had with your Dad is so different. Don't feel bad for any of what you think or feel, although nobody can fix it that's for sure, but they can lend an ear and just some kindness and gentleness to be there for you & for now people should keeping their "little problems" in the backgound, because that's what they all are compared to what you are going through. Right now everything is all about YOU, who cares for now about other's struggles ......and I don't mean that in a callous way but right now your grief is the biggest "problem" on this planet, it's having a knock off effect to every part of you and that's all normal. I know I've had some pretty horrible scary feelings when it comes to the financial side of things and sometimes I don't know how to cope with all the worry ..............you know what I do when it gets that bad, I go watch tv and zone out of it all, most of the time it works to get stuck into a good show and forget about "real life". I hope you will find even the tiniest bit of comfort just coming here Spika knowing someone else in the world can relate to some of what you are going through. Please keep writing no matter what the "complaint". ((hugs))) to you Niamh

Jodi, Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and your Dad today,I know it's that awful 30th and 21 LONG months without him but 21mnths closer to seeing him hon.sorry couldn't send PM today,couldn't access it in work and phone can't :-( Sending you an extra large hug to you and your Mom and lots and love Love u loads my friend Ni Xoxox

Hi Spika First off I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad.I lost mine suddenly just over 20mnths ago and have been so lost and lonely since. I'm not a medical professional so all I can give you is my opinion and share my experiences. It sounds like it may have been a panic attack.I never in my life had them until inlost my Dad.couldn't go back to work for almost 3 months.so much would set me off from the slap of reality,seeing a speeding ambulance,police car,fire engine.....all just reminding me of the night I tore into the hospital speeding myself when we got the call.sometimes I'd have to pull my car over because I would be crying so much,not able to breath properly,would feel very dizzy and light headed.....but I realised it was all normal......normal for the trauma of losing my Dad. Like you my heart would suddenly start racing,like this overwhelming sense of fear,I threw up quite a lot too. Now it's not as bad but these things can still happen to me,the slightest thing can stress me so much and not having my Dad to go to scares me.life without him still scares me I just try not to think ahead. I still sometimes get a fright when I "realise" how real it is.....often I feel like I'm on auto pilot and then bang true reality hits and I know I can't wake from this nightmare because it is real. When I do get panicked,can't breath properly I just hang on tight and go with it,let the feelings out,the tears,anger or whatever emotion it is......because it does always pass eventually. I guess now I'm somewhat used to it I think the shock is so enormous it can cause a lOt of physical reactions in our bodies too so it's a complete overload physically and emotionally. So from my opinion I think you are just experiencing this awful grief. If you are worried I would recommend having a chat with your doctor who should put your mind at ease.I know my Mom went quite a few times the first year,worried about her heart but there was never anything wrong,doc said it was just anxiety which was normal under the circumstances. Again so very sorry you've had to become part of this club none of us wants to be in Sending much love comfort and a big ((hug)) to you Niamh

hey Lou, Yep you're so right about the songs coming when our Dads want instead of when WE want them. Maybe it's the same as people have said to me with us truly feeling their presense, it will happen with THEY know we are ready for it. It's weird because as much as I want to feel him, when that song played that evening I did freak out somewhat, like the reality hit that this was now the only way of communicating with my Dad ,I wanted to physically reach out and touch him but there was no where to reach and I was so agitated ..........so maybe I'm not actually ready yet to feel his presense. Wow Lou, I remember you telling me about that song and it's an unusual one so definitely not something to be pulled out of thin air by somebody, these are the specifics that make me believe this has to be real. The song is SO apt for you and your feelings, your questioning where your Dad is..........maybe it's really a lot closer than we think eh ! I do know the feeling of it not really making you feel better, these are all "once off" things and they dont happen when we want them ...........if that was the case I would want it to be happening all day everyday and it's never enough. We've had a lifetime of hugging, chatting, hearing their voice, calling them ......all that flipped to hearing a specific song when things get too much ........yeah reality is that it's not much comfort, maybe for one single split second and that's as long as it is. I've had a couple of dreams this last week with my Dad in them, they don't comfort me, I long for the feeling in the dream when I saw my Dad and feel SO frustrated when I wake up to the reality.In the dream it was like I knew something was going to happen because I wanted to get lots more photos of him. None of these dreams are "visits" because it's all "normal" things going on, normal chat........nothing about him loving me which if it was a "dream visit" I would think he'd tell me that !!!! thanks for asking about my Mom hun, she's holding up as best she can, still just as lost as I am. always here for you hon. aw it just fits so well calling you Lou, rolls off the tongue/page :-), glad if feels good. love you my dear and sending a ton of love and big Daddy girl (((hug))) to you, xoxox

hi Loulou, my dearest friend, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad you got to go to another medium who gave you some better belief that your Dad did come through. I have no doubt in my mind that if our Dads exist on some other plane then they absolutely do want to help us, they do see and hear everything that goes on and they know what we are going through. Why would our Dads ever abandon us if they still exist somewhere, they wouldn't. I know the doubt always slips in and out of my mind but I think underneath it all I think he is around and is helping me even though I can't feel him, sense him or anything. I really don't know how I could go on in this world if he was not doing something "behind the scenes" for me. Things that I get SO SO overly stressed about that he would normally have me relaxed about within seconds, take longer now for me to calm down, for the worry to disipate but it does eventually.......it just takes longer now. With regards to your car, something your Dad would have always fixed, would have been your first call to when something went wrong, then suddenly it is fixed.......I really do think that was your Dad lou, no doubt about it. I bet he didn't want you to have to go through the hassle of dealing with garage, stress of having a "broken" car etc. As I say, as much as I have my doubts, I think the doubt is from the human earthly part of us, nor do I believe in "coincidences". I was in my car 2 weeks ago, in such a rage over work, stress etc and all I wanted was my Dad because he was the person who I'd go to about this stuff, the loneliness and feeling of complete abandonment by everyone was so strong. Well, just as I started my car, thinking of badly I needed my Dad and ONLY him, next thing Celine Dion "That's The Way It Is" came on ............it blew me away Lou.....this was the song that played 6-7 times on his anniversary last year in my car ........now it's my Dad's song to me because the words are simply so apt. Here's the link, it's a beautiful song. That's the way it is The thing is I had been "trying" to get the song to play randomly all that week but of course it never comes on when I actually try to force it, but then when I really needed my Dad, it came on. Of course it send me into worse floods of tears thinking he's hear but yet he's not hear, I can't hug him, can't chat with him, hear his voice. But it gave me a little to try to keep believing he's still around. My friend and her Mom did go to a medium last week, her Mom thought she was brilliant, they lost their Dad 6 years ago, same date as mine!! She was so specific. My friends Mom told me she would come with me, book it for me etc. I thought about it for a couple of days but I just can't yet. I guess I'm too scared that it will be too generic, too general and then where will I be left with my "faith". Am just not ready yet. sending you a ton of love and hugs my dear friend, love and miss you Ni xoxo PS, missed your post so sorry for late reply hun (((hugs))))

wow that is so awful Nicolas, I havent had chance to check the news yet so we are just hearing bits and pieces in work, sounds like a war zone. I hope it's over very soon and nobody is hurt. I know it's horrible too to see anything destroyed, torn down when it was something you and your son shared. Yep I'm with you on thinking of your son every minute of everyday. I find sometimes people are surprised to know that there is not a minute that goes by that my Dad is not on my mind no matter what I'm doing, he's always there. Niamh

Nicholas, I've only just heard how bad it is from a colleague living there. (I'm in Ireland). I hope you keep safe, things have gone pretty crazy over there for sure. I'm so sorry your family didn't contact you. With regards to your original post, I too have found some friends to be more understanding and patient than some family. I think aswell people who are not part of your everyday life do just tend to forget and assume everything is "ok now" and that's hard because for us the loss is still profound, we still wake everyday thinking of that person, I'm sure your son goes through your thoughts every day as does my Dad. Keep safe Nicholas, Niamh

hi Susan, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. You've definitely come to the right place. It is such an enormous shock to suddenly have someone who was a major part of your everyday normal life suddenly not here anymore, just gone .........gone where, it doesn't make real true sense to me much of the time! I too long for signs from my Dad, i've got a few over the last 18months, mostly certain songs coming on at certain times but I want more than a "sign". I want to truly feel his presence with me, I want to have a dream where I know it's him, it's not just a wishful dream. I never have any sense of him around me. I've had a couple of people who have lost parents tell me that my Dad will come to me when he knows I'm ready ...........NOT when I think I am ready or when I want it. Sometimes I think maybe it's all still too surreal for me and that maybe my mind is not ready to sense him in a different way. I still have times when I hear a car outside and for less than split second I think "finally he's home, it's been ages since I've seen him". Nothing at all odd with you holding your Mom's things, I sleep with one of my Dad's jumpers........someday I want to get a memory quilt made from the clothes I saved but I'm not ready yet. I have most of them packed away in a tied bag. Only a few months back I was looking for something and when I opened the bag his scent was still on everything, over 1 year later. I wish I could bottle it ! I remember thinking a couple of months back wondering how I am still surviving this, my Dad was my life, best friend, teacher, confident and the list goes on and on.......it was always my worst nightmare to lose him,never in my wildest nightmares did I think it would be so soon and I honestly question how I still go on every single day. Then I realised there is only 1 answer to that..........somewhere, somehow my Dad must be guiding me & helping me, even if I don't feel him because for me there really could not be any other explanation........he was just too important to me for me to be able to survive without him. I do hope you will find even the tiniest bit of comfort here just knowing others can relate to some of you feelings. sending you much comfort & ((hugs)) Niamh

hi Daughter2010, As with so many of your posts, your words could have come from me. 2 years in October.....WOW, that stood out so much, for me it will be 2 years in December......I can hardly believe I've been on this site for 1.5 yrs, it feels like only recently so many of us "met" yet a lifetime since life was normal. Like you I don't cry as much on the outside anyways, I think inside my heart cries all the time. I still have times where I have to tell myself this is real and there is no waking up from the nightmare, sometimes I really do feel it's so surreal and I will wake up from it. I simply have days where it doesn't completely bring me to my knees, not sure I would call those "good" days, they are just not as bad as the times when I feel I can't do this. I feel out of words too much of the time, as you say nothing new to say, sometimes I feel like such a broken record, when close friends ask how I'm doing I tend to just say still the same and nothing more. I also still cannot look at photos, I want one day to be able to put them all on a digital frame with some of Dad's fav music playing over them. Each time a birthday or Christmas approaches I think of doing it but the harsh reality is I can't even start looking at them, taking them all out to get them scanned. I guess I still don't want it to be real. My Mom & I don't sit and chat about Dad, neither of us can do that. Once in a blue moon I will say something off the cuff about Dad, something he did or liked but it tugs at my heart so much when I do because it feels so wrong that it's all in the past tense now. I don't have any answers, I can't imagine ever thinking of my Dad truly smiling because I will miss him and ache for him as long as I walk this earth. I've had a few dreams in the last month or so but nothing that comforts me, I do remember in the dreams this elated feeling of finally seeing him again FINALLY, like when you lose something precious, keep looking for it, you think it's gone and then you finally find it, but when I wake it's like someone ripping out my heart again. The dreams haven't been like visits or anything, in fact they've been odd ones where he's been sick, terminally ill, or I know what's going to happen which is odd because we lost him suddenly. I beg him every night to just come to me properly but nothing yet. I'm glad your boyfriend is there for you as much as he can be. I think one of the most important things for others is to know they can't fix this for us and for me I know I don't want people trying to fix it and when people truly know that and just lend a ear that's all we can ask for. sending you a big huge (((Daddy girl hug))), Niamh xo

hi Erin, I am right there with you, looking fine in work, most people here forgotten now but my Dad is always on my mind, always missing him and yearning for him. I had a dream about my Dad last night and it was pretty horrible, he was in hospital sick and dying (we lost him suddenly so it's nothing related) and I remember so clearly being with him, wanting to just stay in his arms all the time and getting panicked wanting him to write me a letter before he "died". I woke with the most awful feeling because in a sense it was like I was with my Dad even though he was sick but I just want that feeling of being with him so badly, I had to fight the tears coming to work and I just want to be able to get out of work and cry it out. It really is what is so deceiving about grief that on the outside after time you can look ok but as you say inside just falling apart, completely broken. I feel the sadness ALL the time, I feel like I no longer truly understand what happiness is, I can't comprehend how it can exist for me without my Dad so I can't even have the attitude or hope that someday I'll be happy because it's just no longer something I get. I know people say my Dad would want me to be happy and yeah I get that but when I don't understand happiness anymore how can I hope for something I don't understand ? I just feel life will be always be a struggle until I get to be with my Dad again. I'm sorry you are so understanding of this, I just wouldn't wish it on anyone but I'm grateful to know I am not the only one too. sending you lots of (((hugs))) and love, Niamh x

Electricalice , I am so sorry about the loss of your dear Mom, I just hate when so many people join this site so regularly, all being forced to become part of this club none of us wants to be in. But I do hope you will find that you are not quite as alone with your feelings as you think, while none of us know exactly what each person goes through we can certainly relate to each other and I guess it "helps" to know we are not the only person in the world feeling a certain way because it certainly feels like it at times. I lost my Dad suddenly in Dec 09 and like you also lived with him. I always assumed my Dad would be around until I became somewhat elderly! He was only 65. From my personal experience I don't think there is anything wrong with you health wise......especially given that you also had your Mom's birthday yesterday so maybe that caused some extra anxiety the last couple of weeks. I think even if we are not conciously aware of certain dates and times, the mind knows deep down and things can become a little more tense etc coming up to those dates. Hun, I can tell I've been sick many times in my stomach over the last 18 months, feeling naucious, nervous fearful, sometimes getting sick but I know it's all related to just the stress as your doc says ...............the enormous stress of trying to survive in a world without your Mom. My Mom too went to the doc a few times in the beginning, fearful of her heart but again doc said it was just anxiety, sometimes I feel my heart beating so fast, I'm so nervous ..........it's like electrical shocks every so often which I think is the full relatity of this nightmare setting in.........it's all so hard for our minds to comprehend. You're feeling fatigued also sounds absolutely normal to me..............grieving is a 24 x 7 job and probably the hardest job in the world if you ask me so even if you are asleep your mind is still processing and dealing with all this. I think it's definitely important to rest up when you can and when you feel like you need it, don't force yourself to do something you're not up for ..........it's very draining emotionally and physically. I was frozen solid for the first 12 months, even in summer time nothing could warm my body especially my feet and I've NEVER been one to feel the cold. Now when I have major pangs of grief where things just become too much, I notice my feet get ice cold, it's the oddest thing ever but normal !! Just all this horrible "new normal" that we're thrown into at the deep end. Please keep sharing with us hun, so many kind caring non judging people here and none of us EVER get sick of hearing the same thing, how much we miss someone, how lost we are. sending you lots of love, hugs and comfort. Niamh xo

nope doesn't sound at all crazy Shelley, I find it very hard to go to places that were once "happy" and places where my Dad would have been, no different with you and Chelsea. Of course it would be very difficult for you and I'm sure your brother would understand if you didn't want to do. On the other hand maybe it would be nice to have your family around you if you would like that ? Just do whatever you feel you want in your heart. Maybe wait until later in the week to decide and see how you feel ? Niamh x

hi Seema, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom, your photo is beautiful. I love how you described how your Mom treated you, sounds same as my Dad, I was his one and only princess and the world was ALWAYS a safe place no matter what when he was here. Like you I also feel this hollowness is here for always on this earth and all I can do is learn to live with it because nothing can ever fill that gaping hole. I'm glad you had that feeling of your Mom holding you, I haven't felt my Dad around me at all. In saying that though at times I wonder how I am still functioning in this world without him and I think he must be helping me through this because for me there is no other explanation as to how I have survived this. I've lost that true sense of happiness also and I can't imagine I will ever have it back again, the truly best times are over because I feel even if something great happened to make me somewhat happy it will always be tainted with my Dad not being here to call and share it with. sending you ((hugs)) and comfort, Niamh

hi Their Youngest, I am so so sorry for the loss of your Mom and your Dad, WOW,I can't even begin to imagine the shock and horror of that, I lost my Dad suddenly 19months ago and sometimes still feel stunned by it. I only wish words of comfort existed but they don't. You've had 2 MAJOR shocks of course it feels unreal, I think reality takes a while to set in because our minds simply cannot cope with such trauma all at once. I can relate to you wanting the rest of the world on hold, I've been thinking that lately a lot, I want the world to stop because my life is still on pause and it hurts to see others just carrying on with life as normal. I hope you will find some tiny comfort here just to know that as alone as you feel some of us here can relate to some of what you are feeling. None of us knows exactly what someone else is going through but we can relate to some of the feelings. It is of course hard to concentrate on anything at the moment and I hope you know that's ok, nothing at all wrong with it. I felt like my mind was a blank slate after losing my Dad. It's horrible facing the world without a parent not to mind both, it's a scary place without that invisible security blanket. sending you much comfort and ((hugs)), as I always say I only wish there was more that could be said to give comfort but there simply isn't. Niamh

thanks for replying Loulou, was so nice to read your post and as always I'm so sorry for your pain too. sent you a PM hun. xox Angel, thank you too for your kind words. You are definitely not crazy talking to your Grandma and it's nice that you do the little things she did. I've realised nothing at all is crazy when it comes to grief. I find that aswell, I try to do things the way my Dad would, do the things he did especially with my Mom and for my Mom, it makes me feel a little proud but of course then makes me wish my Dad was here to see it and tell me. Erin, thank you too, yep I read every day and times when I want to write/reply and I just can't seem to find words. When i would complain to my Dad, everything would be just as important to him as it was to me, like his world stopped until I was ok again but nobody else will stop their world for me, sounds like your Mom was same too ! I still don't talk about my Dad, memories etc not even with my Mom, it's too painful and she is the same. She'll mention the odd comment here and there about Dad but no sitting chatting about holidays, events, etc. Yep i think our minds and hearts are only too aware of dates even if they are not at the forefront of our minds. Sometimes I feel truly crazy around those dates like my brain is just going to snap in 2, definitely more fragile than other days as you say. And coming here knowing everyone here gets it so much really helps to confirm that it's ok, nothing crazy about any of it. ((hugs)) to you, I know the 17th just passed, UGH. Now that it's over for me I'm onto the funeral days after it. hi hello123,aw thanks for replying, no apologies needed at all. I'm sorry you feel left out at home. I know I'm lucky to have my Mom too but I so get that feeling of your Dad sticking up for you, there's just nothing at all like the father daughter relationship. Reminds me of a quote I got last year from a friend "There is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express". I couldn't agree more. ((hugs)) to all of you and lots of thanks for always being there, Niamh

thank you so much, that's such a nice thing to hear and made me smile too, not much does these days as you well know too! xox

hi hello123, OH I am sorry for your pain after doing something so huge like getting your degree results and not being able to tell your Dad in person. I do get that really there are times when absolutely nobody else matters, your Dad is the only person you want to talk to, nobody else is good enough and it's beyond horrible. It is so hard and that's an understatement to see others celebrating with their families and you have such a huge void. I only wish there were words of comfort, all I can say is that I can relate to some of it. You ask about who you can talk to, are there any grief support groups in your area ? I went to a 10 week one (only wish it had been a permanent thing) and there was definitely something "good" about sitting face to face with someone else who is living it all at the same time you are. Maybe if there have them you might find someone young like yourself who you can connect with. I still get angry too 18 months later & at times get so frustrated at other people's "bad days" when part of me sometimes thinks they have no clude, I'd take their "bad days" 1000000 times worse all day everyday as long as I could have my Dad too. I do still talk to my Dad, yep sometimes I feel like I'm talking to thin air and think why bother, yet other times I try to remind myself that he simply has to be out there knowing every single thing that still goes on in my life here, he just has to be. I'd like to think your Dad is beaming with pride on you getting your degree but for now we just can't sense them around us. sending you lots of love, hugs and comfort and such a BIG WELL DONE on getting your degree. Niamh xx

hi Daugher2010, It's good to hear from you, thanks so much for your reply. I think I seem to have a huge fear of any male friendships at the moment, I've lost one friend already who I thought would be one person who would understand after losing his Mom but I guess he couldn't handle my grief because he has not dealt with his own. Yet some part of me deep down blames me and my insecurity at times. I've reconnected with an old male friend a couple of months back from about 7 years ago and I've been honest with him and he's been very understanding and compassionate. But I feel like I expect & want so much more attention from him, I crave it but yet it's not his "role" or "job" to be there for me like my Dad was, he has his own life, I'm not number 1 for him or any others males on this earth. So then I fear again that my insecurity will end up losing him too. I just feel so clingy and needy for attention but I try to hide it because of my fear of putting pressure on people and them getting "sick of it" and me wanting a mile if someone gives an inch. The irony of it all is that my Dad would be able to guide me through this perfectly, keep me sane and all that ! You are SO right that it won't really be long until we are steps away from death ourselves. I try to remind myself of this often, that this life is temporary, I'm not stuck here forever and that I will/hope to be with my Dad again and have real true fun times back wherever thay may be. Sometimes life does feel very short (as silly as it sounds I count years at times and think ok not much left!!) but other times it just feels so so long. Only the other day I had to think about whether or not I already had a winter without (which I have) but for a while I thought I didn't yet, time goes so out of whack sometimes ! Yep, definitely finding out new things about new me and sometimes it's hard to deal with. I was never this needy and insecure before. I am at least glad that I am understanding of the reasons why I'm like this now, I just wish so much at times that I was old Niamh and none of this kind of thing would even enter my head. Not easy being turned inside out and upside down! But as you say it's part of grief, part of the consequences of losing such a great Dad, and the truth is I wouldn't change what I had with my Dad for the world. ((hugs)) and love to you L, and thanks for your never ending kindness. Niamh xoxox

I'm struggling so much lately without the constant male figure that was my Dad. There just isn't anyone in the world to protect me,mind me....yeah I know I'm a grown adult but I feel like such a little child at times. I feel so far down the list of everyones priorities,that's just life eh but doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I just miss my Dad so so much,I miss him protecting me,being there for me ABSOLUTELY ANYTIME at all. I have good friends but lately am feeling a little tossed aside in favour of boyfriends, im just so alone no matter what and I HATE IT. I need my Dads advice,I need his help,his words of comfort. Ugh the tears won't stop right now,am just engulfed in loneliness wishing I was with my Dad. Sorry to all the newcomers to this site too,I've been out of words lately so havent been posting but just reading every single day. I just wish I could fast forward this life clock! :-( Niamh