niamh

Rem, I'm so sorry for the loss of your girlfriends father and now the grief that you are experiencing with your relationship. I lost my Dad suddenly just over 18months ago, you've probably seen some of my responses to others on here. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix or help (in the sense that we generally understand the concept of helping). Letting her know you're there when she is ready in text does help, even if you don't get a response, somewhere inside that is appreciated by her but for now is completely over taken by the loss of her Dad, nothing else can take any priority in her mind this early. At 3 months I was barely back to work, still did not want to talk or see anyone so I did a lot of ignoring of texts, calls, emails except for saying thanks once in a while but that was as much as I could do. You say you can't wait anymore, unfortunately with regards to your relationship with her you cannot push it or her, based on my experience of my situation (I didn't have a boyfriend) but the more anyone pushed for me to be "ok" the further I ran from those people to this day, the pressure although I know it was not intended as pressure but it was overwhelming to me. Nobody can speed anything up, the patience needed is enormous, sometimes its not even possible for some to have the pateince needed when someone's grief can so debilitating. For now you are also grieving yourself for this relationship but somewhere there is a chance for this, it's not impossible for you to have the relationship back but with her Dad, he's gone from this physical world forever, no chance of him coming back and the shock, fear, loneliness, emptiness,pain, sadness is beyond crushing and is truly beyond any comprehension unless someone has experienced grief due to bereavement. If you do come to talk anytime soon, I think it's crucial you don't express how much you need her, how lost you are without her and so on, for now that is too much pressure for her, right now she needs everyone else around her to hold her up, she has zero strength to hold anyone up, allow anyone to lean on her, it's all about her right now, her feelings, what she needs and wants. Does that sound selfish, yes I guess it does, but it's not a choice in my opinion, it's simply how things are for some people when grieving and the most important thing is that someone grieving does things their way, it's about basic survival. So keep talking here, with your friends, with your counsellor about those feelings. Just like you cannot fix things for your girlfriend, we cannot fix things for you, all we can do is listen, share our experiences and I'm sure you'll probably notice on here that different people deal in different ways with grief,people have different needs and they key is there is no right or wrong way, just whatever way that person deals is right for them For me personally, I felt like my friends never gave up on me, they left me be when I could not talk, take calls etc but they would send a text or email at least once a week saying something like "thinking of you", "sending you a hug" and so on, nothing that required any response from me, no questions about how I was, just a gentle reminder that they were still there in the background waiting for me. I didn't respond to each and every message, I just didn't have the energy, didn't have words or thoughts that I could express or wanted to express to them but through the last 18months, I have never ever forgotten that they never gave up on me. Maybe friendships are different to relationships, a friend will wait forever, but with relationships I guess people have their limits on how long they are "willing to wait" because it's a different type of relationship. It's just impossible to say with any how it will turn out, because the grief is as unique as DNA for every single individual. as usual, I wish there were answers for all of it, but there are none. All I can say is keep expressing your feelings to your support network, I wish you nothing but peace and comfort during this awful time & only hope in time things will work out with you both. Niamh

Just want to let my dear friends know you and your dear Dads are in my thoughts today,I just hope our Dads somewhere all together celebrating today properly as I know I'm not exactly celebrating it. Nicholas,thinking of you and your dear son too. It's just such a hard day knowing so many still get to say Happy Fathers Day in person,I envy those people so much. ((hugs)) and a wish for peace and comfort to each of you Niamh,xo

I think that would be a nice thing to do Tom,i have no words for how hard that day is knowing so many people still get to give a card,gift,hug to their Dad.

Tom, Vegas for your 21st will be an absolute blast, I've been there several times, couple of times with my Dad and other times with friends, it's a fab city. Be sure to check out some of the amazing shows in between the partying . Hopefully this gives you something great to really look forward.

Janie, I am so sorry for the loss of you dear Mom. Everything you describe sounds perfectly normal .........it's not a normal you are familar with, not a normal you know but it's what happens when you lose someone so significant and important in your life. You talk about crying so easily, things annoying easily ........that is absolutely normal under these circumstances now. I felt like I was losing my mind when I first lost my Dad (suddenly 18months ago), eventually I realised everything I was feeling and experiencing was normal, it was simply new to me. I can still get irritated very easily, lose patience over the simplest thing, find certain tasks overwhelming but I've just learned really to hang on tight as that roller coaster runs riot. I too was such a social person, no problems every chatting away with strangers, new people.........that's all changed now. I've been out a couple of times and I just can't deal with it at the moment, I feel too uncomfortable, too anxious being around so many people, it's too far out of my comfort zone now. Again there is nothing wrong with any of this, it's all about learning to just live in a world without our parent, it's such a shock to every single aspect of you emotionally, physically, mentally. My Mom too struggles at times with the social aspect, it's like some days you just don't feel like being around people, don't know what to say, have nothing to say, don't want to listen to the trivial things going on in their lives ............but again it's all normal, just a "new normal" that we have been thrown in at the deep end of. For me it's just about learning to live with it, live with all the differences and changes as frustrating as they are. I get so annoyed with myself at times because everything is not as it once was, for me insecurity is a huge thing, I never felt anything like it before but I know it's normal because my Dad was my anchor in this world, he provided a security blanket that nobody else can. just know that there are plenty of people here who can relate to how you're feeling and what you are going through, although we each grieve differently, we have each lost unique relationships, nothing is exactly the same but we do speak the same language and get it ! much (((hugs))) and comfort to you Janie, Niamh

Babypod, First off please don't ever apologise for posting lots, that's exactly what this site is for hun. Oh I hear you on all that your Grandma survived yet some thing "stupid & simple" ended her life. I have a similar situation with my Dad, he survived so much hardship over the years, major surgeries where his life was hanging in the balance and in the end something I personally think should have been preventable took him away from me and nobody is accountable for it. His treatment in the hospital will sicken me until the day I join him, so much anger for our so called "health system", it's anything but a health system. my Dad deserved so much more & unfortunately he wasn't the first and won't be the last in my mind. (((hugs)))) Niamh

oh Angel, what an enormous heavy load you have added to the loss of your Grandma. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now, here's a virtual one (((((((((())))))))))))))). You have so much on your plate and I wish there was a way to make it all easier. I really feel for you having to move so far away SO SOON, that is another massive loss in itself. Absolutely nothing wrong with any of how you feel hun & personally I think your Grandma is well proud of you, I'd like to believe she knows and completely understands the burden you are carrying right now. I can't write I know exactly how you feel because I don't, I don't want to say it will get easier bla bla bla because right now you feel you want it all over and that's a perfectly valid feeling, I can relate to it because many times I could have written those words myself, the pain is beyond description and right now it's SO new to your entire body, mind, heart and soul, it's a major shock to your system. So all I can say is that there's nothing wrong with any of how you feel and all you can do is be so very gentle with yourself and take tiny baby steps when you can. There are no magic words or magic list of what to do to make this better, easier and so on. Have you any friends who can help out with the packing or even looking after the kids while you do the packing ? You have so much to do and right now doing all this kind of thing is not just "normal" anymore, it's overwhelming as you say, the tiniest thing can be difficult to do so when you're faced with the enormity of packing to move, there is a tremendous amout of emotional draining going on and right now life is far from normal so it's difficult to do these "normal" things. Of course your mind can't grasp that she's gone, I still have days where I feel shell shocked, sometimes i'm not sure we ever truly grasp is because the reality is we really don't know what death actually is for sure (taking faith out of the equation). I think the reality of losing your Grandma is something that seeps in little by little because it's too much for anyone's mind to take all at once and while it's seeping in it just takes it toll on every single aspect of your being ........which is why it's always good that you be gentle and kind to yourself. My Heart goes out to you Angel yet I know there's nothing can take away the pain and frustration. All I can do is send you an ((((extra large hug)))), lots of love and comfort, Niamh xo

hi mdrobbo03, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost my Dad suddenly also due to cardiac arrest. He was in hospital for routine removal of kidney stone, was due home the day we got the 3 am call to come in. I still have days where none of this feels real, how could my Dad simply be here one minute, planning Christmas and all that, next minute he's just gone, poof and Mom & I left to pick up the pieces. I'm not a medical person but have done a hell of a lot of reading on all the medical terms related to Dad........my understanding is "acute mycardial ichaaemia" reduced blood flow to the heart and "severe cornary artery atheroma" is related to blockages or build up in the heart which narrows the arteries reducing bloodflow, all of which put enormous pressure on the heart and body. All technical terms for heart disease .......often which are genetic. I get the questions you have, if you can it maybe it's possible for you to talk to the doctors who treated him just to get a better explanation. The unfortunate thing is I think there will always be questions, always be what ifs because simply losing someone is so beyond comprehension and we are left with so many unanswered questions. I looked further into my Dad's cardiac arrest, looking for answers yet in a way I knew I never would get the real true answer, the WHY, the purpose of it all..........while I got some answers from the medical side I ended up with even more questions. I too wish there was so much I could have said to my Dad but I think he knew anyways how much I loved him, how proud I am to be his daughter, how proud I am of the man he was and how honoured I am to have had him in my life. I didn't see your photo attached but I'm glad your Dad got the chance to see you marry. I wish I had words of comfort for you but I don't think they exist. Just know that there's lots of people here to listen and share with you, ((hugs)) to you, Niamh

Just wanted to share this beautiful song I came across the other day. I'll See You Again by Westlife Always you will be part of me And I will forever feel your strength When I need it most You're gone now, gone but not forgotten I can't say this to your face But I know you hear Chorus: I'll see you again You never really left I feel you walk beside me I know I'll see you again When I'm lost, when I'm missing you like crazy I tell myself I'm so blessed To have had you in my life, my life Chorus When I had the time to tell you Never thought I'd live to see the day When the words I should have said Would come to haunt me In my darkest hour I tell myself I'll see you again Chorus x 2 I will see you again I'll see you again I miss you like crazy You're gone but not forgotten I'll never forget you Someday I'll see you again I feel you walk beside me Never leave you, yeah Gone but not forgotten I feel you by my side No this is not goodbye x 3 Always you will be part of me And I will forever feel your strength When I need it most You're gone now, gone but not forgotten I can't say this to your face But I know you hear Chorus: I'll see you again You never really left I feel you walk beside me I know I'll see you again When I'm lost, when I'm missing you like crazy I tell myself I'm so blessed To have had you in my life, my life Chorus When I had the time to tell you Never thought I'd live to see the day When the words I should have said Would come to haunt me In my darkest hour I tell myself I'll see you again Chorus x 2 I will see you again I'll see you again I miss you like crazy You're gone but not forgotten I'll never forget you Someday I'll see you again I feel you walk beside me Never leave you, yeah Gone but not forgotten I feel you by my side No this is not goodbye x 3

glad she texted you Tom and remembered.......maybe just say thanks, you appreciate her thinking of it and maybe something like "here for you if you need anything" .......assuming you are there !!

Happy Birthday Tom, hope you have a lovely day. Sorry you also have to deal with the sadness of it being 2 years with Fern, hoping you have a peaceful day !

oh me too Babypod, I often think if I could have 1 minute with my Dad then everything would be somewhat ok because I'd know for sure hes just somewhere else waiting for me, this is just a longterm "vacation" from him and he'd give me the encouragement and words that only he has to fix all this & I know one minute with him could fix it. I hear you so much when you say you wanted to die when your Grandma died, I too always wanted that and sometimes to be honest I still do .......not in a suicidal way, more just that I want to go to my Dad and hang out with him and I'd be more than happy to say goodbye to earth and go meet up with Dad again. So now every year that passes as hard as it is, I hate that my great life is further and further away from me, I try to think of it as 1 year/month or whatever closer to being with my Dad again & never having to let go. I could not agree more with Nicolas, "move on" .........ugh whatever, it's just ignorance on their part. You are doing so much already so just be gentle with yourself. (((hugs))) Niamh

hi ashleybatt, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and welcome to this site. I lost my Dad suddenly almost 18 months ago and to say it's a constant living nightmare is such an understatement. I wish I had words of comfort but i think you know as well as so many of us here there really aren't any. I too feel very alone in life now, although I still have my Mom and we are so close but as you say they day you lost your Mom a piece of you died, I feel that about myself too. Something just left with my Dad and there's such a gaping hole now that nothing nor nobody can ever fill. For me personally I just think all I can do is learn to live with it, I don't believe I can "get over it" (whatever that really means !!!) and all those phrases people use, I am just trying to live with it as best I can and for me I think I will pretty much spend the rest of my life learning to live with it. Nothing will ever be "normal" again, that old normal is gone. Like you I too feel like I won't ever regain happiness, to a certain extent I feel like i no longer actually comprehend that word or feeling. And even if there comes a day where I feel "happy" it will always be stained with my Dad not being here for whatever it is. I still find it hard to grasp that the happiness I once knew is truly gone forever on this earth, the innocence of the way life used to be is gone now. I'm sorry you won't have your Mom to walk you down the aisle, I am not married or anywhere close, now the thought of it freaks me out and I can't think of it actually, Dad was supposed to be here for that so not it's something I can't imagine doing. All I can say is that there are so many kind caring non judging people here and although we all deal and grieve differently, our grief is as unique as each of the relationships we had, there are times when we can relate to each other, have some understanding and somehow it give the tiniest little comfort to just know someone else on this earth can nod and agree with what you feel and think........so as alone as we all feel, we get it and sometimes it numbs the sting ever so slightly. We all know we cannot fix each other, we can't take away the pain but we can share and keep each other company along this dark road. This site has been a lifeline to me over the last 12 months. As good as friends are, they have not and are not living what I am so it's good to be able to talk with those who are living it right now. sending lots of love, comfort and a ((((hug)))) your way Niamh

absolutely beautfiul song Nicholas, never heard it before (& I LOVE ABBA!!), the words are so perfect. thanks for sharing N

thanks for sharing kawaiinicole, this one reminds me so much and my Dad & me too. I didn't go shopping often as an adult with them but every so often when I would go my Dad & I would sneak lots of snacks into the trolley when Mom wasn't looking, always laughing and joking. oh how I long for those normal days with Dad, ((hugs)) N

hi Babypod, Wow, I am so sorry for how your family are treating you and your dear Grandmother's memory. I too agree with Nicholas, it is so disrespectful to both you and your Grandmother. I'm sorry too people are not giving you the right you deserve with regards to your grief, while as a relative "type" she was technically your Grandmother as you say yourself she was your Mom, your best friend so what does a technicality matter, you have the right to be in pain, to be devastated about losing her. I think it's absolutely lovely that you now try to do the things that were important to your Grandma. I too find that with my Dad, I try to do for my Mom the things he did, what mattered to him & try to do things the way he did them.............there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it's not something someone should laugh at ......in a way I feel pity for someone who would laugh at such a thing because they obviously don't know the depths of the relationship and love you shared with your Grandma and even more than that what she has instilled in you as a person. So she's not phsyically in this world anymore, I like to think while you're scrubbing those headstones your Grandma is right there watching, so proud of you and thinking she did dam well when raising you. That's awful that they are smoking in the house when your Grandma never did, I completely get your wanting to keep your Grandma's scent in the house, that smell is such a close link. I feel so sad that they make you feel like "just a grandchild", I have so little tolerance (zero actually!) for people without compassion these days because you should not be made to feel like this, sounds to me like your were your Grandma's life. All I can say is keep doing the things you want to do that were important to your Grandma and I hope you can try to believe that she's right there with you all the time proud as punch that you carry on her traditions. sending you ((big hug)), lots of comfort and love, Niamh

that's a beautiful photo of your son Nicholas, such gorgeous dogs too !

Nothing is weird when it comes to grief Amy. Sometimes I have great difficulty talking to my Dad too, doesn't make sense that I can't have a normal conversation with him, I don't want to be talking to what feels like "thin air" at times. Nothing wrong with not wanting to visit cemetary either, my Mom doesn't go either. It's been a while since I've been able to go, I used to go all the time but lately haven't been able to. Whatever suits you is perfectly normal Amy, everyone deals differently and theres nothing wrong with any of what you feel. ((hugs)) to you, Niamh

Skylar sweetie I am so sorry for the loss of your Daddy. I could feel myself getting mad reading the title,Ive had people say that and it hurts like hell and what I always think is my Dad wants me to be me whatever way I am and he knows and understands how tough things are without him ....just like your Daddy I bet. You are trying in school,what more can you do.....of course your mind is filled with grief right now. Have you talked to your Mom about this? It would be good If maybe there is some local grief groups for teenagers.....there is something "good" about knowing someone else gets what you are going through when they are going through it too. You should definitely talk to your Mom Hun,the school are not right being so unkind to you,although im sure she meant well but is obviously not too educated on grief........remember you are already doing your best,nobody can expect or ask for more. Sending you a big huge (Daddy girl) hug,there's lots of us here always to listen and share with you. Niamh

Carol Ann,sending you all the strength and courage in the world for tomorrow and tons of comfort.you are such an admirable survivor and no doubt your fight for justice will save so many who will simply never know but you know,Melissa knows and the universe knows and I hope you will get the comfort and peace you so well deserve. Will be sending lOts of good positive thoughts your way tmrw ((hugs)) Niamh

Your Grandma sounds like such a doll Babypod,your post reminds me too of my Dads Mom who I was very close to. Yep Nicholas it makes complete sense,as well as all the good things I miss the silly things that used to annoy me,now I'd give anything for a lifetime of them.Your son sounds like a typical lad and you were a super Dad by the looks of it! As time goes on I find I miss the "oddest"'of things like what Dads hands looked like,how he walked etc. Thanks for sharing Niamh

I just wanted to bump this thread if anyone would like to share something about their Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa or whoever. Here's some more from me and my dearest Dad I miss laughing with him so much I miss him coming home from work joking around with my Mom I miss seeing him in the room sitting across from Mom just watching tv together. I miss family dinners out at our fav restaurants. I miss him telling me off for something ! I miss his ability to FIX everything I miss our ritual saturday lunches I miss him taking my leftovers from certain food. I miss seeing him sitting at the kitchen table reading the sunday newspaper I miss seeing him get excited about things and just being like a kid in a toy store. I miss his kindness and genorosity towards others I miss his never ending encouragement and the list goes on. Would love to hear about other's Moms, Dads and so on if you can write about it. Niamh

hi Shelley I'm so glad you got home to spend time with your beloved Chelsea, I can't imagine how hard it is to see her in pain, I'm sure she's very happy to have you around. Marty, so sorry to hear about your darling dog too Niamh

aw BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your darling Mom 2sweetgirls. I'm sorry you felt the need to put it aside, it is unfair and so horrible that others feel uncomfortable about it, she's still your Mom and just because she's not here physically doesn't mean you should have to "ignore" her birthday. I just hope wherever she is with your Dad they celebrated it .........maybe now it's like an earth anniversary! I'm glad one of your friends did call to say she was thinking of you, these little gestures mean so much. "New" people I find are definitely harder to talk to about it, I guess because they never knew us before all this they simply have no clue at all about the close bond and how devastating it is now, and where does one even begin to describe that closeness. sending you an extra special ((hug)) and lots of comfort and peace, Niamh

thanks for sharing the article Nicholoas, as everyone says it really does sum it all up perfectly wishing you a peaceful day Niamh