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I realize you're not supposed to isolate yourself from the outside world, but how do you deal with all these happy people with normal lives that you come into contact with? It just angers me that I am alone, for no apparent reason, and people are going about their happy lives...it's not fair. I go to the store and couples are there, at the library, at the service station....anywhere and it's like nothing even happened...as though October 22, 2010 never occurred. Why am I alone? Why do I have to hurt like this? Why can't I drive places we used to go together without crying? Life is just so unfair. And, here again, another dusk....alone, with the long night ahead....alone again. Just another of many nights to come. Happy people with happy spouses...still enjoying leftover desserts from Thanksgiving and planning on decorating their Christmas trees...My life is over...don't they know....why doesn't anyone care.....I know you're not supposed to have pity parties...but how long can you go on as though this isn't bothering you?

You're not alone Melina. The entire 'holiday' weekend has been a low for me, especially when I thought I was starting to deal with the loss a little better. I guess I dread this entire year of 'holidays' and anniversaries alone. I really try to be positive, and for the most part it works, but whenever I'm not extremely busy, I think of Clint and how much I miss him. I've shed more tears this weekend than the entire week. We'll just have to be here for each other...we'll get there eventually.......

Hi Deb, I had a day like that yesterday, Thanksgiving Day. I was invited to several places and people were surprised I wasn't 'over it' yet. Don't they understand that just because a holiday happens, the pain remains? I know you miss your Michael. I can identify, but I'd like to believe that he is aware of the project's completion and is proud of you for carrying on the best you can under the circumstances. Take care.

Bugszy, I am so sorry for your loss, and so, very young with young children. I can only imagine having gone through this at your age. It's difficult at any age, though, and although I wish we'd met under different circumstances, I'm happy you found the forum. My Clint died on October 22, 2010, had been feeling ill for some months prior, but the medical community told us he was suffering from minor infections, but nothing serious. He died within a week of a cancer diagnosis two months after his discharge from the hospital where he'd been under 'observation' for four days. They had run the gamut of tests, but found nothing. I remain very angry at what I feel was ineptitude. We had been together only six years; he was 53 and I'm 52, but he was the most wonderful man I'd ever known and he cared and loved me. I can say now that I truly know I was loved. You have to hold on to that, as well. Know you and your children were loved. I found this forum a week after he died and they understand our situation better than anyone I have spoken with here in my life, for you have to lose a spouse or partner to understand that level of loneliness and despair. You all know that it doesn't 'disappear' after the funeral--I think some people believe that. Stay in touch. This is a wonderful source of support.

Hi Melina, I am sorry that happened to you (and your car). Isn't it weird how life continues to do us in even in the throes of our tragedy? It's as though no one or nothing cares that our lives have been totally crushed by our loss, yet bad things happen anyway. It would seem we'd get a pass on life's other problems. However, life goes on, and the world continues to turn. You touched on something that I've thought of, but have not mentioned to anyone, worrying about whether anyone else will want me and if I'll have to spend the rest of my life alone. I just wanted you to know you're not the only one who feels this way. I'm already 52, and feel as though that part of me is gone forever. I can relate to not having your husband there to comfort you...I miss my Clint in the same way. It was nice when he was here to help soothe me when the world served up crap during the day! Just know we're here for you....

I can't skip this one! I have a nine year old and he's excited, just as every year, which kind of makes it somewhat 'normal'. I've decided we will decorate as we do every year. I haven't decided what I'll do differently because it will involve the usual gift giving; however the tone will be different without Clint. My son and I definitely feel the void, regardless of whatever else is going on, so I've got to figure a way to incorporate this loss somehow. I guess I could hang a stocking for him, but I wonder if that would be too much... We usually opened presents (very early) on Christmas morning, but it's going to seem so strange this time. I do like the idea of lighting a candle, so maybe we'll do that in observance of the love we have for each other, and remembering a loving, kind, man who was taken away from us much too soon.

I agree. I'm leaving Clint's things for now. I'll deal with it when I'm ready.

I agree with you, Billw; however, when you have dysfunctional family members, it just isn't that simplistic. Clint and I were 'our family' and could celebrate each day and not simply on the "holidays". Our families didn't have normal traditions, so there is no reason to celebrate without him. I hope you and your boys have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Thank you all, It's just that this is harder than I thought it would be. His passing came right at midterm time and at the beginning of all these holidays. I understand people are going on with their lives, but don't they realize that my whole world has been destroyed? I try to be positive and manage this, but once he was buried, it's like no one cares anymore and I am all alone, remembering that he's not here anymore. Nothing is normal anymore, nothing feels right, everything is a facade for me, I'm just going through the motions getting necessary things done. There's nothing much left for this extra 'holiday' celebration...I can't even consider celebrating anything anymore.

I have decided to just do nothing on Thursday. I lost Clint just a month ago, and this yuletide season is just a bit much for me. I can't stand the way everyone goes about their 'holly jolly' lives and my life is in shambles. If it weren't for my son, I would skip Christmas, too. If this is any indication of how the first year will be, I'm probably going to be a sad sack for a very long time.

I am so sorry you had to hear that. People are very cruel and inconsiderate. I've cut may ties over the last month, and you're right, the true friendships will shine.

It's been a month and a day for me. I moved his large selection of shoes into our walk-in closet, but everything else is where it was the day before he went to the hospital, even his side of the medicine chest. I had washed his clothes while he was there, not realizing he would never come home. I wish I'd kept more of his worn things, but he kept asking over and over "did you wash yet?". So I did. I gathered some of his knick knacks and placed them in a huge plastic container so that my son wouldn't get them and potentially lose something. I'm told there's no timeline for this task. It is only done when you feel you're ready.

Ahhh, those memories... They are in almost every aspect of my life with him. I understand your feelings...It is painful...I still can't get through an entire song...I can't really do music yet. He loved all kinds of music, so I can't even select a specific genre....He even loved the 'Military Channel' on TV; I passed the station, paused for minute and imagined him sitting on the sofa watching. It hurts. It has only been a month for me, so I can relate. But we have to feel this pain to get better...

[in one place a rock of not wanting to through what must be done and in the other a hard place of seeing no other options.] Hi Cheryl, I feel your pain. I've read that there is a point where we are at peace with our loss, but I'm not sure how to compare that with 'happiness'. I'm told that there is a point where I'll need to let go and say goodbye, never to his memory (that isn't possible), but to the life we had when he was here because he'll never be with me in life again. I have no idea how long this process will take, but I'm assured it will come. Right now I just passed the one-month-mark, so it's still too new. It could realistically take years. But you said something in your post that keeps things in perspective....there really is NO option. All those things we used to do together, those things he helped me with, the love we shared emotionally and physically are NO MORE. I have to live life alone now--so I've got no option except to work toward "letting go" at some future point. Grief is a strange animal, the episodes become less traumatic, but can occur at any time, indefinitely. Go with those feelings, cry through them... The devastating shock lessens, the sadness remains. It's normal to feel this, some people still cry at the thought of their loved ones years and years after their deaths.

I suppose one month isn't very long compared to some here, but it marks a month of survival for me in this horrible grief process. Although the pain and sorrow are constant, I have resigned myself to a life without Clint. Some of the anger remains, though. I haven't put away his things yet, although I can see that at some point I may be able to start on some of that, at least getting his clothes to his sons. His family is in utter chaos and since I wasn't married to him, am not considered 'family' and am 'out of my place' in terms of anything dealing with his affairs. I am totally alone on that front. It's as though we never existed in their minds. I am tired of the negativity from them and their impatience as his estate is settled. I have told them to not even contact me since I have nothing to do with it anyway. They are apparently ticked off that I was mentioned in his obituary as his 'fiance' and the previous ex was not. I would have thought she was over that years ago, but I suppose people have issues like that. So, here I am, after midnight, preparing to sleep alone again. This is the most difficult time of day. I am not sure how to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas yet, but I can't simply 'skip' them since I have a young son, so I've got to come up with something. I don't feel much like celebrating myself. I am grateful to this forum because when I first came here weeks ago, I was a total wreck and couldn't think straight from one moment to the next. The fog hasn't totally cleared yet, but reading and posting with you all has been a big help. Thank you.

I can relate to this so much. I feel so isolated now. I was getting calls constantly the last few weeks of his life and before the funeral. Now, nothing. It's almost as though we never existed. I, also realize people have lives, but the promises to 'keep in touch' all fell by the wayside. It's almost worse than the grief itself, and definitely doesn't help. I can relate to the shower thing, too......

I was never a crier, either, until Clint died. I wasn't this upset when my father died. I realize everyone has their own opinions of what we should do, and we can only make suggestions because this is an individual process...we'll go through it differently. I can understand the anger and most of this week, I've been more angry than teary, but tonight, I'm crying and can't seem to stop. Thinking of how he's gone forever and he's no longer walking around the house, staying up, waiting for me to get off the computer to join him so that he could hold me tight while we slept. I go to my room now, and it's totally empty. I cook dinner and he's not there helping me, he was a much better cook, anyway. He's not in his usual spot on the sofa, he's not here to stay up when I do the laundry very late. And he'll never again knock on the door in his own special code....I always knew when he was at the door. It hurts so very badly and the pain is just so, so deep inside. It's really hard when you're angry and sad all at the same time. Keep coming back, that's what I plan to do. Monday will mark the first month since his death. I am really catching hell tonight for some reason.

Hi Melina I'm happy for you! You are making progress. I am getting better about the crying, the spells aren't as frequent, but the sadness persists. I'm still wrestling with anger, too. The reality of the situation is what I'm dealing with now. I was in school during his hospitalization, but took a few weeks off after his death to settle myself, but got back into school right away. People asked me how I could be in school under the circumstances, but my reasoning was that I had to do something that 'made sense' because nothing else did at that time, nor does it now. There is a strangeness in doing 'normal' things when my life has been altered so drastically, but I've resigned myself to creating an existence without Clint. And it WILL be different. Here's wishing your continued progress, and just know that when those spells happen, they're just further evidence of growth.

I'm about at the same stage you are, Dimcl, four weeks, days shy of one month. I know exactly how you feel. I walk around the house and things are much as they were when he was here. It's hard to believe he was here, in this very house with me, during the month of October, 2010, and now he's gone. It's too new now to feel any differently than you do. It's a normal phase of grief. You will have to be brave for yourself, too. You are the one left to deal with life and must learn to create an existence without Glenn's physical presence. It takes time, lots of time and you may still be in the 'shock' phase. I'm not sure the phases are totally exclusive because somedays I think I'm over the shock and numbness and then feel them again. But, for the most part, the pain and sadness will be felt as the reality of the situation sinks in. I am told over time that although the pain doesn't totally disappear, it lessens and becomes a little more manageable. Right now, go with the flow of your feelings and don't try to suppress anything. You've got to feel it to get through it and it is going to hurt. Do you have family and friends or a support group? On those days I don't want to be alone it does help to have someone to talk to. I went to the library the week of his death and got lots of books to read and they really do help, especially in the middle of the night when I can't get back to sleep. We are not alone. Death is a part of life and grief is the inevitable cost of loving someone. Remember, feeling the grief is essential to healing and not a sign of weakness and trying to be strong may get in the way of healing. We have to get to the point of acceptance (which is later on down the road) to begin our long road back. Keep posting as we are all on this journey.

November 22 will mark a month since Clint took his last breath, and I still ask myself how he can 'just be gone'. Life really is much different. While the shock has subsided, the sadness and reality that I'm alone now is sometimes overwhelming. I had a dream that we had argued and when I decided to call him to make up, I awoke and realized that I would never be able to call him again. The reality smacked me in the face yet again. The waves come and go, but it always comes back to, how could he 'just be gone', just like that? No one calls me anymore, either. I suppose they figure I'm 'over it' by now.

I was planning on a move prior to Clint's death but put everything on hold during the months he was ill. I wanted to move right away after he died because coming home to an empty house was something I didn't think I could handle. The reason I didn't was because of my son. I believe it would be too much to try a major move like that right now...while it would be good for me, uprooting children is another story. I decided to stay another year and take a look at that time. It's difficult since every room reminds me of him and I find that I'm bursting out in tears everytime I'm reminded that we shared this space together. It is a little better now that almost four weeks have gone by. It's almost comforting now to know he was here. I even feel his spirit is still here.

This is what I was considering, also.

Hi Kat, Sorry you're feeling sad again this holiday season. It will be the first for me and I've been invited to dinner and I just don't think I can deal with everyone else's normal when my life has been shattered. I realize that I will have to learn to handle these things, but right now, I agree with you--pretending things are normal isn't my idea of how I wish to spend my time. At what point will it even feel okay to be at a gathering again? I can't even imagine. Just trying to have a small dinner is difficult right now, the holiday season is such a huge, long, drawn-out series of social occasions. Nothing is right about anything for me right now. I hope you can get through your second year doing something for yourself that you enjoy. I thought of going to church, but even church is a reminder since it was his church and he and I attended regularly. I did go one Sunday since his death, and I haven't gone again...it was very difficult.

Wow. It was so deep. I found that many people wait a long while before beginning support groups, I felt as though it might be too soon, but thought I'd try it. Death is just so tragic and hearing all the stories and how people have dealt with it short term as well as many years is comforting and informative. I have just begun a journey that will last a lifetime, but know that life does go on and I've got to learn how to live it. This particular group meets monthly and I can take my son, who also enjoyed it. There was sadness, but also some laughter between the tears. The lesson I learned tonight was not only did I love the man I lost, but I was loved by him as well. Sometimes we forget that we were loved, too. It seems that everyone has regrets and guilt, but we have to remember we did the best we could under extreme circumstances. I will have to really work on that one...I am a work in progress.

Hi Allana, I can so understand where you are. The death of my fiance threw me into a severe tailspin, but fortunately, for me, I was already attending school and was right at the mid-term phase. I had to miss many classes for two weeks, but kept in touch with my professors. If it hadn't been for school and raising my nine-year old son, I don't know what I would have done or where I'd be right now. But, believe me, much of the time I was on auto-pilot, as is the case now. It's only been three weeks, so I'm still having a difficult time, it's just that the studies occupy my mind. I do have to pace myself, however, because if I try to keep myself too busy, I won't be able to feel the grief that's necessary to heal from this. There are going to be ebbs and flows in this process, sometimes you're up, then you're down, and that's just the way it is. You state you were motivated in the beginning...what were you doing then? Would you be able to pick up at least one of the activities you did then? It doesn't have to be many things, just one. I am beginning a bereavement support group this evening, maybe you could start with that. It helps talking to people who've gone through loss. I plan on expanding my field of study to grief or bereavement counseling since I think I could help others as many have helped me. I can understand the lack of interest and motivation. Be kind to yourself, make small goals, baby steps. Keeping your mind engaged will also help with the grief process. Good luck.