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Loretta, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my partner to cancer in October and it has been a horrifying experience. He wasn't ill that long, in fact he died within four days of the diagnosis. I can relate to the loneliness and even the physical illness. Clint was my family and basically my life, too. I understand not knowing what to do. We, here in the forum, are here for each other and have experienced loss and can help and support you. It is necessary to have people who can understand loss of a spouse/partner because it is much different than other losses. I can say that I kept busy with school and have a young son, so I really couldn't stop living, but it has been difficult to put one foot in front of the other each day. I find myself crying at any given time, the loss is so painful. I am told that the pain will diminish over time, although the sorrow remains. I think that coming to this forum was a good idea and will help you. I attend a support group and also have a therapist to help with my grief. I also read everything I can find about the grieving process, and write in my journal to express my feelings. I am sorry you lost Jody and hope you keep coming back.

Since Clint and I never had the chance to marry, I will forever be his fiance. As such, I am entitled to nothing and his adult children will be allowed to squander what he worked his entire life to achieve. This is a very sore subject for me to deal with while grieving his death. Life is really ironic. Those who could have cared less are entitled to everything while I am totally shut out but spent day and night caring for him. I wasn't interested in 'stuff' it's just shameful that people who deserve it least seem to get the most. I suppose it's just the grief...I don't know. I just know that I was the most appropriate person to handle things, yet have no legal say in the matter.

I am sorry for your loss, and at such a young age. It doesn't matter the length of time you had your love, the feelings were real and continue to be. She appeared to be very unhappy and she was blessed to have had you in her life. When people are determined to destroy themselves, there's little we can do except help where we can. You went above and beyond and it's a sad thing that she left this earth, yet it was her time to depart. Keep her love in your heart and know she knew how much you cared. Don't hesitate to visit with us; we are here to support you and we understand.

Wow, that's a lot of loss Kayc....I admire your perseverance. Take care.

Get well soon, Mary! You've given me inspiration that hopefully something positive will come my way in time!

Redwind, you are not alone. We are all on this journey together. Like you, my family was Clint, and now that he's gone, my young son and I are all alone. We miss his presence terribly. I understand the loneliness and that no one seems to understand. I know the anger and envy of happy people who are enjoying this season. I try to be realistic, but that's hard when my life has changed so drastically. You're right about eating and sleeping. Nothing even tastes the same. There's really no joy in much of anything. I have to kind of fake happiness so that my son won't be sad all the time, but inside, I'm crumbling. People around me believe that 'it should be better by now', when it's only been seven weeks. Would you believe someone told me yesterday to 'do myself a favor and stop counting the days and weeks?' People who haven't lost a partner to death have no idea what it's like to lose a partner and go it alone NEVER TO SEE THAT PERSON E-V-E-R AGAIN. So, you see, you have company here. I will be happy when the holidays have passed. Let's continue to support each other here where we identify with the grief no one outside seems to understand. Take care.

Hi Dimcl, After numerous sessions with my therapist, I, too wrote a letter to Clint. However, I needed to let him know how angry I was. How angry that he refused to let me help him. That he allowed himself to suffer alone when I know he was in pain. I should have been able to share that with him. Angry that he allowed me to believe it was some menial bought of depression when it was a death sentence called 'cancer' and he kept refusing medical attention. Angry that he was always so stubborn and 'secretive' about his feelings and refused to communicate when something bothered him. But, also I told him that I loved him more than anything and that my anger was because of that love and the need I have now to hold him and tell him things will be alright. That life is not the same without him, that the world keeps turning and no one seems to realize that my heart is broken. That his family has forgotten all about me and it's as though WE never existed. That we only had 6 short years together, but that they were the best. The letter really helped, alot. I haven't decided whether to keep it or take it to the cemetary and read it to him. That's probably what I'll do eventually. I do believe he'll read it. I think he was beside me as I composed it. He knew how stubborn he was and how it ticked me off! That thought just made me smile. Yes, I do believe it will help. Thanks.

Hello Suzzer, you and I are about in the same place. I lost Clint on October 22 after receiving the diagnosis on October 19. I didn't know he was gravely ill. We only had six years, but he was the one who cared for me most. It took me years to find someone like him, and now he's gone. I am still angry and it's just not fair at all. I am finding, though, that the pain is less intense even though the sadness is constant. I was able to finish the fall semester and have registered for the Spring term. I felt initially 'stopped in my tracks' and unable to move, but have managed through prayer, reading, journaling, support groups and this forum to struggle through. It's hard. There's nothing I wouldn't give to have him back. Now all I want is to get to my 'new normal' whatever that is. I'm still a little numb, too. The effects come and go. I'm not as far along as many on this forum so that's really all I can contribute at this time. Somedays I feel so hopeful, and others very down and hopeless. But, I keep coming back to the forum to read of those who've dealt with this longer to gain support and hope that in time, I will be able to manage in a better way. Take care.

Hi Melina, Happy birthday to Thyge and good day to you as well. Clint had just celebrated his 53rd birthday a month before his death. We celebrated at a restaurant and ordered his favorite, ribs, but he didn't eat. It's hard to think now that he had to have had the cancer then and we just didn't know it. I had no way of knowing it would be his last birthday on this earth. I know how you feel and wanted you to know. Take care.

Carol Ann, I so need to get where you are....but my journey has just begun. This does give me a little hope, though. Thank you!

There's never enough time to say goodbye...People just don't seem to understand that.

pjm I am sorry for your losses, all of them. I lost my love of six years on 10/22/10, and while it wasn't as long as yours, the pain is deep and the depressive thoughts are similar. I haven't experienced as much loss through death, but my life has been full of other losses. I felt when I met Clint that I had finally been given that special someone who would be there for the duration and our relationship did help me deal with many past losses. He was a gift and was the only man in my life who truly cared for me. He took care of me and did not make promises he couldn't or had no intention of keeping. I was horrified to learn he had stage 4 cancer, he was such a healthy person with no chronic diseases and a non smoker, too. He died within four days of the diagnosis. Another loss, again, alone and with no one to care for me. I can feel your pain and I wish there were another way to deal with it, but there isn't. I wish he was still here because the world is lonely and dark without his presence. I feel many days that I could just stay in bed forever. But I do have to get up. I get overwhelmed by the feelings of uselessness, hopelessnes and sorrow. I feel no one will ever want me again. I am 52 years old met him in midlife, which is why he was the one and there would be no other. I was wrong. Here I am alone again...I feel that's the way it will be the rest of my life. So, you are not alone. I can only imagine how much worse I'd feel if it had been 22 years. I can only say to maybe try another bereavement group when you're ready. Journaling is a big help, although I don't do it regularly. My faith is helpful to me, although I question why God allowed him to be taken away. I was taking antidepressants before his death (for my past issues), and I don't even know if they are effective anymore. It's like I can't really feel the difference. The holidays are pretty much nonexistent for me. I have a young son, so I can't just totally disregard observance, but everything is empty...I don't have the joy I had before. This forum has been helpful to me in many ways. When I don't know what I'm feeling or what to say, I post and I am surprised sometimes at how many people out there feel as I do. We are not alone and that's what makes life somewhat tolerable. I hope you keep coming back. Take care.

Hi Melina! Congratulations! I, too, am ready to take the plunge. I'm waiting until February or March for a larger down payment to counter the negative equity on my Taurus. I'm going for the Chevy Impala, 2009 or 2010.. I want the lowest mileage I can get and the price isn't too hard to take. The engine is 3.5 (I like the power) and I need something protected by warranty. I am so happy for you and know you are relieved. This journey of ours is difficult, so when we make a positive step such as yours, it is indeed an accomplishment. Take care and happy motoring!

Hbgirl I am sorry for your loss as I am for all in our forum. I wish we all could have met under different circumstances. I decorated for my young son, who is missing Clint, too. I wanted to make the holiday special for him. As for me, I could have skipped it altogether and will be happy when it's finally January 2. I miss being a couple, I miss my love and hate his not being here anymore. I hope you enjoy time with your family, it will help you get through it. Take care.

Hi Carol Ann, I wish I'd responded earlier, just busy trying to wrap up the fall semester. I do hope you will derive some hope and help from the memorial service, if you decide to go. I, too, wish there were people in my life that were as helpful as you all here on the forum, but death is one of those 'taboos' I suppose. Many people don't understand nor support the grief process as something that we have to move through at our own pace. It doesn't necessarily ever have an end, as we will never forget our lost loves. I can relate to the anger with God, I know he understands and may reveal His purpose to me someday, but even if not, He'll be here beside me every step of the way. My dad was a practical man and raised me to have a 'tough skin' and for the most part, I can function pretty well, but losing Clint has tested my mettle--this isn't as simple to shrug off and the pain is much deeper than anything I've ever experienced. Missing that touch from the one you love, having that person there to support you and 'do life' with you does take its toll. Our journey is a difficult one, but one day at a time, I pray we'll get there. Let us know how the memorial service goes. Take care..........

Suzzer I, too, lost my partner seven weeks ago, so I'm pretty new to this, but the advice given has been what I was told when I first got here. I found the forum a few weeks after his death, and everyone has been very supportive. It's nice to be in a place where people don't try to 'rush' the process. It takes time and all of us experience it differently. Taking care of yourself is number one. Feeling lost and numb is normal and no, you're not crazy. You have suffered an enormous loss and life as you knew it is no more. That's hard. People around will not understand, in my case after the funeral, no one hardly called. People are telling me that 'it's about time I got with the program' and basically should be 'over it'. That is why I visit and post on this forum. We all know. I am a student, so I really haven't isolated from people, but beyond school and doing what must be done, I am not ready to socialize. I didn't go anywhere for Thanksgiving. I stayed home, alone. I am trying to get through Christmas for my young son. I am just beginning my first year of holidays without Clint, so I'm having a difficult time adjusting. I also have a therapist and have begun attending a bereavement support group. Get support from whatever resources are available and journaling is a good idea as well. Take care...

I am sorry for your losses, and all in such a short period of time. This forum has been of great support and hope for me and I believe it will help you through your grief journey. I do hope you have family or friends to lean on for support as well. Keep posting...the only way to deal with it is to go with the feelings. Let us know how you're doing.

He started losing the weight in April, but he sometimes dropped a little weight and always gained it back--he kept losing and had no appetite. I was alarmed long before he was actually diagnosed. I know I couldn't have prevented the disease, but I keep thinking if I had at least known sooner, the grief might not be as severe. I could have spent the last months and weeks treasuring the time we had left. I believed he'd be coming home....I was living life as usual when he was dying every day. It's hard to reconcile that to myself. His death was due to a rapid onset cancer, but it was also sudden and unexpected. I knew something was wrong even though the doctors kept telling him it was nothing serious. I keep thinking I could have done more. But how do you question degreed doctors? But then again, I should have...here I go again...

Hi Carol Ann, I don't take offense to 'counting my blessings'. It's, as I've read, good to have something to hold onto. There are, truly, things to be thankful for and I must keep that in mind amid the darkness of death and sorrow. I had six years with the most beautiful spirit; a good and decent man and that was, indeed, a blessing and having been loved by him was also a blessing. I do have those days where I can't find anything positive to be thankful for, but that's part of the grief process. I am blessed to have found this forum, as well. There was nowhere else to turn with all the horror and shock and sadness I felt. I've never experienced this type of loss and it's good to be in a place where I'm not only welcomed, but understood.

Wow, I was just spilling my guts over my unresolved feelings of 'what more could I have done?' and didn't realize other people felt that way, as well. It is so good to have support and know that you're understood and not judged. Thank you all. I believe some day I'll be able to put this in its proper perspective. It's just hell right now.

I find myself thinking of last December when Clint was in process of filing his disability retirement and the huge volume of mail he had to deliver because of the holidays. He was having difficulty finishing his route some days, but he would never complain of any pain or anything; I just wonder whether the cancer had begun affecting him even then and we just didn't know. I am really have a hard time with not even knowing he was deathly ill...when did it start? I keep wondering if he knew and just didn't tell me, and if so, why? I suppose I'll wonder about that forever. He had suffered a stroke 11 years ago and recovered sufficiently to return to limited duty at work, so I figured the excessive fatigue was from those residual effects and his getting older. Now I remember him struggling just to get through those next four months. He was awarded his retirement in April; but died in October. So much for enjoyment of retirement. I miss him so much.

I've been in some sort of trance since Clint's death and I wonder whether some things will EVER get done. I was pretty meticulous about certain things which now I could care less about. I try to keep up with the housework and I pay the bills on time, although I have forgotten to mail things from time to time. When I do remember, I kick myself because I know I've got to 'get it in gear' because this is how it's going to be. I'm slowly getting around to certain tasks, but my usual routine will likely never be the same. I am procrastinating, most, in moving his things from the living room. They are where they were months ago while he was still home, before he went to the hospital. Every time I think of moving them....I just don't.

Hi Chrissie, I can't speak from much experience since Clint died in October and this is my first round of holidays without him. It is extremely difficult, but I have a young son and must struggle through the season with some semblance of observance to keep things 'normal' for his benefit. Every song I hear, every bell that rings, every drop of snow that falls reminds me that he's no longer here and will NEVER be again. I do understand and care for your sorrow, as I do all the members here since we are the only ones who truly understand this loneliness which extends far beyond the funeral and burial. While all the others have returned to their lives, I'm stuck in this horrible nightmare alone. I am trying to feel upbeat right along with you and I thought you should know.

You may be given constant subtle reminders of your loss. There are no telephone calls and no home-comings. You watch your loved one's friends continuing with their normal lives. Support from family and friends may be diminishing as they have at this point moved on through their grief and are getting on with their lives and expect you to do the same. You may be feeling intensely lonely. ***************************************************************************************************************************************************** Melina, This is where I am right now. It is very lonely and I feel as though I'm isolated on some grief island all alone. Life moves all around me, yet I'm in this daze of disbelief. Everywhere I go there are reminders; there's nothing that happens daily that doesn't remind me of his absence and my loneliness. I miss him terribly and struggle with the loss, anger and resentment of everything that has transpired over the last few months. I am not sure what stage of grief I'm in at any given time.

NATS, I suppose having found someone would put you in a different category, or at least at a much different place than many of us who are now alone. But you said yourself that you once felt this way, too. We are going to find our way at whatever point is meant for us individually. It is quite normal for us to feel the way we do right now. I hope to move forward in my journey, to a place where I'm at peace enough with this to welcome another, or at least to consider opening my heart again. Now it's all I can do to keep reminding myself that the love I once had is gone forever. I'm still trying to realize life without him. I am happy my love is with the Lord and his suffering here on earth is over, and I have a strong faith in the Lord's ability to walk me through this. My time for healing just has not arrived yet.