wmjsca

Kayc: I have already decided to remain clear of his family. I really only dealt with them because of him anyway. The siblings are feeling guilty and trying to make me their scapegoat; also they are vultures, waiting for the estate to settle. I have no further interest in dealing with them--it's just that one of his sisters and one brother were there for me. But since blood IS thicker than water, I'm keeping my distance. Thanks.

Hello Suzanne, I'm sorry for your loss and for having a rough time right now. I can relate because my fiance died just one week ago, so I'm new in this process. I find joy in nothing, really, although I really am trying. It just so happens that his death occurred during the Halloween month, and the references to death are appalling. I have a nine year old, and even before I experienced my loss, I let him celebrate, but never the ghoulish death stuff, usually the action hero theme..I've always felt the holiday had evil connotations, but tried to allow him to enjoy the childhood things I once did. This Halloween, however, I have yet to even get him a costume. I haven't bought any candy and dread the upcoming holiday season. It's not just you...it's a process so I'm told. It's just that after the therapy, reading the books, talking to friends and family, I'm still alone. I go to bed alone, wake alone and go through life knowing I'll never see my love ever again. Every time I try to pull myself together, that reality is smacking me in the face. I realize it just happened, and that the grief is too new to expect it to subside. I hate to think of how long it will take to feel better. Maybe never. I hope you're feeling better. I do feel a little better when I come to the forum and can respond to people who can identify with how I feel right now. See, the funeral was yesterday, and everyone can go back to their lives as before, but mine will never be as it was before. I feel so lost.

Thanks to everyone who has answered my posts. Today marks the first week of my fiance's death and I am still numb. I do realize life goes on, so I am moving on at what seems a moment at a time. Fall has always been my favorite time of year, but now I have this horrible anniversary to remember. I hope it doesn't cause me to dread it now. I am not looking forward to the holidays, and they are fast approaching. It would be nice to have more healing time first.

Welcome, Sally. I am truly sorry for your loss, as I lost my fiance on 10/22 and had his funeral today. It was horrible. It was bad enough that he laid lifeless in that box, but I had to deal with angry ex girlfriends and adult children hogging the limelight or jockeying for position, or whatever the hell they were doing. All I know is that it was not the time or place for much of their behavior. I met him six years ago; I was 46 and he had just turned 47. He was the light of my life. He was good to me and so many others. He had a kind heart and spirit and I cannot believe I'll never see him again or hear him call my name as no other could. The grief is almost unbearable and if it weren't for my son, who my fiance came to accept and love, I think I would just crawl into a corner and stay there. Life doesn't seem worth living, food has no taste, music reminds me of us so I don't even want to listen....I'm not suicidal or anything, just hurt and the ache is deep. I can relate to you very well. Come to this place often. It has really helped me over the last few days.

Welcome, Sally. I am truly sorry for your loss, as I lost my fiance on 10/22 and had his funeral today. It was horrible. It was bad enough that he laid lifeless in that box, but I had to deal with angry ex girlfriends and adult children hogging the limelight or jockeying for position, or whatever the hell they were doing. All I know is that it was not the time or place for much of their behavior. I met him six years ago; I was 46 and he had just turned 47. He was the light of my life. He was good to me and so many others. He had a kind heart and spirit and I cannot believe I'll never see him again or hear him call my name as no other could. The grief is almost unbearable and if it weren't for my son, who my fiance came to accept and love, I think I would just crawl into a corner and stay there. Life doesn't seem worth living, food has no taste, music reminds me of us so I don't even want to listen....I'm not suicidal or anything, just hurt and the ache is deep. I can relate to you very well. Come to this place often. It has really helped me over the last few days.

Thanks Nirac: The funeral was a fiasco. His sister stood at the head of his casket, right in front of me, kept pointing at me and talking to the casket, telling my fiance I didn't love him. She kept on and on throughout the ceremony. She then got the microphone and announced that my fiance's only REAL relatives were his kids and their mother, his ex, who really did love him. I could not believe she actually used his funeral as a platform to spew her hatred. The real issue is that when I called her, weeks before he died, I was seeking her help with HER litte brother since he was refusing to go to the doctor. Yes, I threatened to make him leave if he wouldn't get help because I could not continue watching him get worse. I felt it would force him to go to the doctor AND I thought his brothers and sisters could convince him where I had been unsuccessful. She then goes back and tells everyone that I didn't care about her brother and was ready to kick him out! I think she's feeling guilty (as are other family members) because they wouldn't listen to me. It wasn't until he was on life support that family started becoming involved. And the ex? She's pissed because when she went to the hospital to see him, he told her he was coming home to me--and my name is listed on the obituary as his fiance. She felt she had some 'right' to him through their common children. It was just a mess and made an already devastating situation much worse. I did not go to the dinner which followed. I suppose the healing begins now. I don't plan to involve myself with his family any further.

MartyT Thank you for the "Coping with Hidden Sorrow" link. It was right on point. I was the one living with him from day to day and dealing with his last few months of illness, although I had no idea it was terminal. I didn't realize that they were his last days and I didn't know it until his hospitalization. I got so angry with him because I thought he was just refusing treatment, which he was, but if I had only known how sick he really was I could have been less impatient with him. I thought by being tough on what I thought was stubbornness would get him to go to the doctor, and he finally did, but it was just too late. The doctors kept turning to me for answers, as was the family, yet I was the one on the outside. I cared for him, but when he was in the hospital, his sister and brother kept vital information from me. They knew before I did that my fiance was gravely ill. His family has included me in the funeral planning, however the last few days they have been more distant. On the last day he was conscious, I apologized to him for my frustration with him while he was home. I hope he understood that my love for him is what kept me pleading for him to seek medical treatment. I believe he forgave me. I loved him as no other and I just am crushed that I'll never see him again.

Thank you Nyx. It's encouraging to know that it's a possibility I'll genuinely feel his presence at some point. I already know his spirit survived. I carry him with me all the time. I can sometimes hear him call my name, even if it is only inside my own mind. A friend told me that he might even visit me one day in my dreams. These possibilities give me some peace, although nothing is quite as good as the real thing. Why did he have to die?

Thank you NATS and Tammy. I am so blessed to have found this site when I really needed it and when it seemed no one understood. Sure, family and friends feel the loss, but not the same way I do. There is such an emptiness and an ache deep in my soul that no matter how much I cry it's still there. I did go to view him tonight and he looks much different than he did in life. He seemed at peace, but moreso in the hospital after he took his last breath. The funeral process changed his looks a bit, as I knew it would. But I realize this ceremony must take place and there must be a burial. It's also a burial of our love. I do know he's with me, however and I can feel his presence. Especially when I cry...I can feel a peace it's hard to describe. And you're right, he's warm in the arms of Jesus in Heaven. I can take comfort in that. He was my heart.

Well, the funeral is tomorrow (he died on 10/22/10). I want to view him tonight because I'm afraid to wait until tomorrow to see him laid out, the shell of what's left of my sweet love. I don't want to see him like that at all. I know it's necessary for closure. I know the beginning of my life without him won't start until this is over. I dread the celebration of life that will follow, because to everyone but me, their lives will go on after they leave and I'll be alone. I don't want to get into a rut feeling sorry for myself, but I know I'm going to be very sad for a very long time, if not forever. When I go to bed tomorrow night, I'll still be alone and everyone else's life will go back to normal. I have no idea what to do. I will return to school to finish the semester and raise my son and do all those things, but every facet of my life included my fiance and now everything seems so empty. I dread going tomorrow and having that casket closed and lowered into the ground. It must be so cold there and he was so warm and sweet. I still cannot believe he's gone.

I don't think I could even consider the holidays were it not for my son. My fiance won't be here to share it with us, but I believe he would have wanted me to make it special for his 'adopted son'. They were such good buddies. My love really cared for children in a special way, and that memory will help. This is hard, very hard, but we had six years of love and memories. I have to hold on to that.

Hi Kay, I just joined the site with the loss of my fiance on 10/22/10. I'm in a daze and the world really isn't real right now. Happy anniversary. We had just passed the sixth year mark on September 24 and he really wasn't feeling well, but I had no idea he was terminally ill. I know there will be other anniversaries and I hope I'm strong enough to get through them as you have.

Thank you Rachel and I'm really relieved you understand. There wasn't time for us to even plan a wedding, he was always dragging his feet about it. The real irony is that even though I wasn't his wife, all the 'real' relatives kept asking me everything. It was just so aggravating. They may as well have let me become the power of attorney. That was left to his sister. There was information kept from me, crucial to our lives together. How dare they keep information from me? I deserved to know at the exact time they knew of any specific finding. It's water under the bridge now, but this has been a horrible experience and I had no power at all. But I was the one who lived with him and knew him in ways which were relevant to the medical team. I mean his 'real' family may have done more harm than good by being secretive and selfish. I guess I could go on and on. But thank you for understanding.

I was just his fiance. I wasn't related, although I shared the intimate relationship with him. His children, his mom and his siblings are all connected and I'm the 'odd woman out' so to speak. I may have loved him, but I really have no place, even though my heart is broken too. The family began this process including me, but have somehow distanced themselves. I feel totally alone and I really thought they would be there for me. Maybe it's because we were only together six years, I don't know. I used to tell him that without marriage, the woman gets no respect. All I have now are memories of our love without any genuine recognition. This only adds insult to injury. I am hurt and angry at the same time.

Hi Marion: We were together only six years and compared to longer relationships, I suppose it isn't that long a period. I don't know whether longevity is a factor in the degree of grief, but this hurts more than when my father died. I can't compare this to anything else and I guess that's why I feel so lost. I didn't meet him until I was 46, but those were the happiest years of any adult relationship I've had. I miss him every moment of the day. I wish I could stop crying.

Thank you Cheryl, for I can relate to being unprepared for his death. It is good to know there is hope and since I'm a realist, I do believe that, it just hurts so bad right now. And I went through months of hell trying to get him to go to the doctor, he kept refusing. He finally went and they basically gave him a clean bill of health in August. He was back in September, twice, because the symptoms continued. Again nothing was found. I started thinking I was crazy, if it hadn't been for his physical appearance, I guess no one would have believed me. He finally got so weak by the middle of October that he couldn't walk and went to the hospital, but by then it was too late. I thought it was depression and he was just refusing to deal with it. I was way off the mark. I could have used those last months being more kind to him rather than the frustration I experienced because of what I thought was his non-cooperation (he finally relented and agreed to a biopsy)...anyway I guess I could rehash it over and over, but the results would be the same. I do believe it will get better in time, I suppose I'm kind of weary emotionally and didn't expect him to never return home. I thought he'd be treated, convalesce and we'd go on as before. I was so wrong. So very wrong.

abergsma, I understand how you feel. It hasn't even been a week yet and I realize I am all alone now. People try to be kind, but then they can go home to their partners and I'm still alone. I guess I'm still in shock for having my life destroyed so abruptly. I hope you're having a better day today.

Thank you, everyone. People tell me I won't be able to start healing until after the funeral, which is on Thursday. My story is similar to Melina's, in that when he was hospitalized, they said he had a 'touch of pneumonia'. There was no way to know that there was a cancerous lymph node that began terrorizing his body and within four days he was gone. I am still in shock. I even went to school for one class this week and felt like I was being carried there, I couldn't feel my legs under me. My professor sent me home. I thought I needed a diversion. All I do otherwise is cry at home, in the car, wherever I am. People who don't know he died keep asking, "where is your fiance" and I have to say "he passed away" and observe the shocked looks on their faces. I relive this day after day. I suppose people can learn to live again and for me it's much too soon to contemplate. I just can't imagine how to carve out a new existence without him. I'm 52 he was 53; I met him at 46 and he had just turned 47. I met him after making horrible choices in partners and he was the best. He actually looked out for me in ways no other man had. I am going to really miss that...this just hurts all day and all night. I can tear up at the drop of a hat. And then, life just goes on around me as though nothing ever happened. How does one deal with that? People living, laughing, loving and my world has been destroyed.

Hi Karebare, My fiance's funeral is Thursday and the closer I get to that day, the more I dread seeing him in that box, on display, for all to see. Where was the crowd when I was trying to convince him to get to the doctor? I felt so alone these past months because he really wasn't himself but was trying to be 'normal' when things were anything but. I find myself walking through the house, sometimes wondering why I got up and what I'm even doing. Life seems so pointless now. Don't feel guilty about not crying all the time, I do cry all the time. We go through this thing differently. I tried going to class, just to keep my mind occupied and it was as though the world was moving around me, but I was stuck in some kind of 'other reality'. I can't focus for long periods even when I try really hard. I'll try to return to school next week, but for now, I'm just going through the motions of life. People say it's like a 'break up'...no this is much worse...I'll never again see his face or hear him call my name...

Rachel, I'm hoping for peace, but I have to get through Thursday's funeral first. I was mean to him sometimes because I knew something was wrong and he denied it. I felt horrible about that and apologized to him on the last day he was conscious. I guess I'm feeling guilty about the time I spent being angry and frustrated when I could have used that time to have been more kind, especially now that I know how short his time would be. I ache inside, I didn't know he was terminally ill....until it was too late. I stayed at his side until he took his last breath, because I promised him I'd never leave him. His body was full of fluid his system could no longer process so I held his swollen hand. I miss him, I want to hear his voice, I want to tell him now, you can bug me and get on my nerves as much as you want....I just need to know you're here with me again...This is so painful..........

Hi Cheryl I can relate to the family drama. He died on Friday, 10/22 and before he even took his last breath they were asking about insurance policies. They are split, just as they were during his life. He was always the mediator and took care of everyone else. It's a real mess and the hardest part is that he'll never come home to me and we'll never be married. His diagnosis came after months of trying to get him to go to the doctor and by the time he went, the situation was terminal. This has been devastating.

I am sorry for your loss and understand. My fiance became gravely ill rapidly and was gone within a week. He died on Friday and friends had a dinner for the family...people there were sad, but able to mingle just like any other family function. I was still in shock, wondering how to go on without the man I have loved for the last six years. They all were couples, I am now single forever. I hurt so bad and I can relate to how you feel.

So many woulda, coulda, shouldas now that it's over. I should have stayed longer, if I'd only known he'd be gone before weeks end. He was talking on Tuesday but gone by Friday. If only he had sought medical attention sooner, if only I hadn't been so angry and impatient with him because I didn't know he had a terminal disease....I thought he was just being stubborn about going to the doctor and suffering from depression. Why is hindsight so damn clear? He had every possible symptom of that damn Lymphoma, but I just didn't know....I couldn't make him seek help anyway...I just miss him so much and didn't know he was near death all the time he was home in denial of his illness....God, this hurts so much...........

I am so relieved to hear words from someone who knows how this feels. Family and friends try to give words of comfort, but how could they know? I mean he had a biopsy on Tuesday, went on the breathing machine Wednesday, life support on Thursday then died on Friday. How can one come to terms with that? I can't describe how horrible it was to come home and all his things were left as though he was simply 'away and would return'. I still have to get through the services this Thursday. Thank you for your words.

I cannot believe how hard this is. He was never sick. He didn't smoke; no chronic illnesses; no medications. We met when I was 46 and he had just turned 47. I had given up on love by then, but he was the sweetest, kindest soul on earth. He and my son bonded immediately and I embarked on the first real love affair of my life. He retired from public service in April and was enjoying his free time, but started feeling weak. I tried to get him to see a doctor and when he finally did was told it was nothing serious and no treatment followed. He went a few more months and was refusing to get help until two weeks ago he became so weak he was hospitalized. The diagnosis: Lymphoma, stage IV...I hardly had time to digest this news before he was on life support; disconnected; and died on 10/22/10 at age 53. I have never felt more pain. It's as though I'm living a bad dream and can't wake up. I can relate to the stories from people who envy couples. It's happening to me already. It's not fair....it took me until midlife to find the love of my life and he's gone. Just that quickly. I can't describe the pain.