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Hi Di, It's been 8 months for me, too. I think the most difficult adjustment was Buck's absence in my life and his companionship. Living life alone again after having him by my side for many years. The shock of his death was such that for a time I subconsciously believed he'd 'be back'. I just had to wait for his return. Now that I realize he is gone and will never be here for me as he was, I can finally move forward. It isn't good to dwell in the past. I visit there quite often, but know that I must put it away in a safe loving place and get on with living. There is a twinge of guilt sometimes, that I'm here and he's not, but that decision was not mine to make. I would never have wanted him to go; yet I have to accept the fact that he is not a physical presence in my life anymore. I still have his pictures around the house, but have put many of his things away--not to forget, but to remember. I go to my treasure cove of his items from time to time and spend time with his memory. His spiritual presence is apparent in my life and I suppose that's how he'll appear to me from now on. Letting go, for me, is understanding his place in my life as I move forward. He is no longer a physical being that can be for me what he once was. That doesn't mean I'll forget him, nor that anyone can ever replace him. But I know that it is much healthier for me to continue life and look forward without guilt. That's the best way to honor his memory. We all move through this difficult process in our own way. Give yourself time to find your own path, your way. Take care.

Hi Melina. I understand how you feel and know that each day I survive this gives me strength for the next. It will be eight months in June and when it first happened I was in such shock. I still deal with the anger and the loss remains unbearable most days. But the new normal for me is getting through each day as best I can. Memorial Day was difficult because Buck and I would visit the gravesites of our fathers. This year it was poignant because not only did I carry on that tradition, but also visited his grave, as well. It was difficult staring at the ground when he used to stand beside me there, yet somehow, I believe his spirit is alive in me. I have to hold on to that. One day at a time Melina. That's really all I can do at this point. Take care.

I am not as exultant about what I once loved so much. Now, that Dan is not here with me, music is like the sharpness of a dagger if I should hear the melodious chants that happens to come close to my listening senses, I cringe inside with heartache for I wouldn't deliberately listen to music now. Now, when these pictures that I was once so fond of happen to open up on the PC I have a very different and difficult time and if my life depended on it, it is an impossibility to muster up any kind of pleasure, in fact it hurts my senses with physical pain. Hi Suzanne, I can only listen to music which pre-dates my life with Buck, for those tunes we shared seem to bring too much pain. I can identify and I don't consider it self pity, although the world may believe it is. How long is too long? I don't know that. Today is the seventh month since my love took his last breath and I am still hurting inside too. It may be that music will never mean what it once did for you or me. I have always loved the fall of the year, but was afraid that since Buck died in the fall, I wouldn't feel the same. I can't yet say because it is now summer, but I'm hoping I don't lose my love for fall because of this tragedy. Knowing he's no longer in pain and is resting in peace relieves part of my anguish, but life for me will never be the same. Ever. Take care Suzanne. Embrace your memories and don't feel ashamed of however long it takes for you to work through your grief.

Thanks all. I knew you would understand. It does still hurt and finding a new man? I think you just have to experience this before you can relate. Otherwise, to the world, after so much time passes, it's no different than replacing that 'old sweater'.

I haven't been here for a little while. Things have been hectic and school is winding up for the Spring. This semester is more difficult, I guess, because I'm feeling more. I was so numb during the fall. But, just when I think I'm making progress, one of my friends asked me, again, whether I've found 'a man'. I didn't want to get angry with her because I love her, it's just that people truly don't understand the magnitude of losing someone to death. Death isn't like breaking up....it's having someone you love snatched away without warning and gone FOREVER. Clint died so unexpectedly. One week we were together and the next we were planning a burial. I can't seem to get people to understand that I'm just finding out how to get through life without his love and company. How could I even be expected to be involved with someone else yet..if ever? It's not that I don't miss male companionship, but really....six months????? I do hope everyone is well, and for those who've now joined us, I'll be thinking of you all. I remember my first visit here and I was a mess. Crying all the time, not knowing what to do, who to turn to, how to live the rest of my life. I still am hurt and many days I still cry, but the feelings just aren't as raw as at the beginning. You will get through this...because you have to....life does move on. Take care all.

Understanding voices. Such a comfort. You all really come through, you know? Each day is a struggle, maybe in different ways and at different levels, but still difficult. Each day brings another memory of something forgotten or just not thought of, a song, a movie, memory of a place or event. Knowing there are still months of 'firsts' left to encounter. It's a hard road and I miss him so. Thank you all.

I called a friend of mine today and we hadn't touched base much over the last few weeks. I've got a very full school load and dealing with this grief and raising a very busy ten-year-old, so I don't talk on the phone very much. She asked me whether I'd been with a MAN! I mean, I lost Clint to DEATH....this wasn't a BREAK UP! What the heck is wrong with people? Have they forgotten, or is it because they moved on with their normal lives, mine is supposed to follow suit? I can't believe I had to REMIND her that he's been gone a little over FOUR MONTHS...I suppose to 'outsiders' that's enough time? I should be over it by now? I was really pissed off, although I didn't tell her that. I knew she wouldn't understand. Most people don't. I hope you all are getting through things all right, at least for today. It is a day to day existence, at least for me. I didn't know who else to share this with. No one I know has lost a partner. They are all together with their loves.

Hi Danosgirl, I am so sorry for your loss and can understand how you feel. It's been only four months for me, but that's long enough to know that life does go on and some days I can function pretty well. But, on those down days, I am also angry with God and can't understand why He took him away. I was finally happy and now Clint is gone. I have a young son, too, and realize I cannot simply wither away and hide the rest of my life, but it is a very sad existence sometimes. I am trying hard to find an identity for myself, without Clint and that's the most difficult part. He was my friend as well as my partner and I miss him each and every day. We did mostly everything together and now I must do it alone. I cried last night for the first time in a little while and it was as though I had just lost him all over again. I don't believe the tears will ever stop and the pain is so deep. I can relate to being a mother and wondering if that's all I'll ever be in life again. I must re-invent whoever I am going to be, without the man I loved so much. It seems that things will never get better, but the pain will lessen. You will find joy in your children and can share that with the spirit of your lost love. He will be there watching over your family; it's hard to consider that as consolation, especially when you want him by your side. I know. But the reality is that he is lost to you in life as you knew him and you've got to push on for yourself and the children. I don't know how long grieving lasts, but I do know that my faith in the Lord has sustained me throughout my life. This is the biggest test, so far. I am still shaky, but most days I'm able to pull it together. You will be better in time. It's good you're getting the feelings out. Don't be afraid to feel--it's necessary to get through it. I'm praying for you. Take care.

Hi Redwind, I know exactly how you feel. Clint has been gone four months, and just this morning I went to the store we went to often and almost broke down crying in the parking lot. I was thinking about how I had pulled in to that same lot just five months ago and his car was sitting there, parked, and he was almost too ill to drive it home. Neither one of us knew he was dying, even then. It is just so hard to believe he's gone forever. And the way I feel is that no one really cares that my heart is torn out of my body and nothing seems real or satisfying anymore. Life is simply going through the motions. All of us at this forum can relate, which is why we write to each other. Here, people can identify. The world could care less. I, too believe in God and that He will get me through. I sometimes scream at God....I'm angry...but I know that He makes these decisions and that my faith must sustain me. It is hard. Life is hard. Death is hard. The pain never leaves, you're right. I have to believe I'll see Clint again one day. I also believe that whenever the sun shines really brightly, it's Clint looking over me and that his spirit is with me. Most days, that's enough....but some days, nothing works and I'm just a mess. Like today. This is a very sad day for some reason. I really wanted to cheer you up, but all I can do right now is tell you that I understand and am here for you and believe that one day we'll both be happy again. Someday.

Di, I feel you. I just passed the four month mark on Tuesday, and I can relate. It has only gotten better in that the pain isn't as raw as then, but the pain of life without him remains. I think of all the milestones he'll miss; we'll miss together and that our life together was cut so short. And it's not fair and I'm still angry and frustrated with it all. I can only say that we have to live through each and every part of the pain because since we're still here, we really have no other choice. I will be thinking of you today and know you'll get through this day and build on your future....one day at a time my friend.

Hi Melina. I can so relate. It will be four months on the 22nd and being alone is just not how I planned my life to be. My family consists of two brothers, one of which acts as though he doesn't know me, although my youngest brother and I talk frequently. I have no contact with Buck's family since the funeral. I suppose they feel I should be over it by now. How dare people suggest 'on-line dating'! What the heck do people think? Death isn't something you 'get over' in a few months! Especially when it's your spouse/partner! How would they feel if their spouse were 'gone'? Would it be so easy for them to 'move on'? I get so sick of people sometimes. And yes, I get angry when I see all the happy people. I am still working on my anger and frustration and still ask 'why me'. I still don't think I deserved to be left alone. I don't have wise words today, sorry. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Not at all. I sometimes feel like I'll be one of those 'old ladies' you spoke of. Who wants a single old lady hanging around? I wonder if anyone will ever want me again, as well. I am 53 now, and Clint loved me as I was. I feel as though I have to 'reinvent' myself to attract someone else. I am just sick of the dating scene. I thought I was done with that. I was so happy with Clint and relieved I didn't have to compete anymore. People tell me, just be yourself, be happy with yourself, learn to be alone.....blah, blah, blah.... While there is wisdom in those words, I am tired of being 'alone'. I don't like the stigma of being a 'lonely old lady'. But mostly, I miss my Clint and our life together. I think it is still too soon for me, maybe also for you. I also know that I DO have to become comfortable in my own company, which right now I'm still too angry to do. I suppose I could love someone else again someday, but now would be a mere comparison to Clint. So, I will try to not worry about the couple thing so much. You have come a long way, Melina. Seven months isn't that long in the 'relationship' apsect of this grief thing. Give yourself more time. I've heard it takes at least a full year of 'anniversaries and milestones' before people can even consider sharing their lives with another again. I believe if we're meant to be with someone again, it will happen. We can again open our hearts because there is enough love in us for another, if we choose to go there. Do things at your own pace. You aren't alone in how you feel.

I will not celebrate Valentine's Day, as I didn't celebrate the past 'Holidays'. I have had it up to here about memorials, etc. He's GONE! There is no valentine for me anymore. I am so nauseated watching all these loving couples swoon over each other; the ads; the advertised jewelry, chocolates, marriages....etc. It's really depressing. This is all I have to look forward to the rest of my life. I hate being subjected to this when I didn't ask for it, none of us did. I appreciate the things others have been able to do to cope. I'm just not even there yet. Doubt if I'll ever be.

Thanks Melina. Sounds like a good pact. I'm doing better and am much more watchful of some of my 'bad habits'. I hope your day is a good one.

Thanks everybody. I was a little surprised that the disease had advanced this far, but I really didn't take very good care of the diabetes for many years. I just never cared a lot about myself so I have to pay the price now. It's a little late to begin caring now, I guess, but the doctors say that there's some time between stage 4 and 5, it just depends on lifestyle changes to keep things functioning without having to go the dialysis route yet. I'm hopeful for at least enough time to see my baby grow up. I hope you're having a better day today, Melina. Take care.

Hi Melina, It's been three months for me as of 1/22/10 and I can relate to the 'whatever' mode. I've been there throughout and except for brief moments of light, it's the pervasive mood for me. I have tried to deal with this in as positive a mode as possible, especially for my son, who is exhibiting some destructive behaviors. He told me on Friday that he is destroying his toys, etc, because he feels that if he makes enough noise, Clint will somehow be able to 'hear' it. He misses Clint's presence and I try to help him as best I can. I have totally denied my own well being, as well. I have late stage kidney disease myself which is a recent diagnosis and while I don't know my fate, I somehow am not afraid of death because I believe then I'll see Clint again. But I can't throw in the towel because I need to be here at least to see my son grow up. I don't want to leave him here alone. I understand where you are and for me, the future isn't guaranteed--even if I did somehow get through the grief of Clint's loss. I struggle with my own uncertainty as well as not caring about anything day to day. I guess I wish I had some wisdom to share, but I really don't I just wanted to lend an ear and support you. I know you miss your love and the pain of that makes everything else in life meaningless. You're right. Tasks get done, but that's it. I don't think your disinterest in your kids is a heartless reaction, it's just the way it is. It doesn't mean you don't love and care, just that the grief is first and foremost. We are trying to live our lives with a gigantic hole which will never be filled. A big part of our lives has been snatched away. We are trying to function while constantly faced with being alone and it just gets to be too much sometimes. I think you'll eventually pick up your hobbies again, but then you'll go into the apathetic mode as well. It moves in and out constantly. I've heard people who have years of grief behind them say the same. The sadness may not attack each day, but is replaced by this 'apathy' at times. This is simply part of the process and must be felt along with all the other emotions involved. Give yourself a break. You're doing what's expected. You're healing.

Dimcl, I really feel for you. I wrote to you guys just a few days ago after my melt down--what I refer to as a pity party. I have those from time to time. It will be three months since Clint died and it appears he only existed in my life....no one else really seems to care anymore. Maybe that's just my perspective since the loss in my life is so personal. I think sometimes we feel we must move on and expect too much too soon and it's not until we come across some new challenge we question ourselves and the melt down is a trigger that maybe we're doing too much too soon. I have resigned myself that each day there will be a new reminder of Clint's absence. We were to take a trip to California to see my mother....I've never flown and he did ONCE and insisted that my first flight be with him so that he could coach me through it. I procrastinated and always felt we would do it someday. Now that will never happen and I thought of it when you mentioned the China trip. I used to do our taxes, too, but he'll not be a part of that ever again. I have moved some of his things, but the toothbrush remains in the bathroom cabinet...along with his comb, brush, razor...etc. Those things are a little too personal for me to consider disposing of. I may get there at some point, but just not today. I believe the melt downs may become less frequent, in time but the pain is pretty constant. This is a horrible journey for me, filled with memories of what was but never will be. I had so many dreams of our future that will never be fulfilled. I suppose I haven't gone far enough yet to really console you at this time. We are similiar in our length of grieving--but I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and climb into my hole quite often. But then I resurface, knowing that my life must go forward and I repeat this process each and every day. My biggest challenge now is bitterness and anger. Those things are difficult in themselves, but when combined with pain and sorrow appear overwhelming at times. You probably feel worse right now than at the beginning, but then tomorrow you'll pick up where you left off prior to the most recent melt down. I think we just move in and out of it. They say it will get better in time and I'm getting there, I suppose. You will, too. The meltdown you're having is simply another step toward that goal. Take care. We're here for you.

I don't know what the deal was yesterday. Maybe it was because I started the Spring semester and now that I'm closer to the degree things are getting more challenging. Or maybe because most of my classes must be in the evening and juggling parenthood around that schedule is hectic and will require serious adjustment. Or maybe it's because I just had my birthday and I feel old, alone and undesirable. It could be one of a million things, but I only know I missed Clint so much yesterday---everyday, but for some reason, I gave in to sobs most of the evening and cried myself to sleep. I just miss him so much and I guess most days I try to not think of how different and empty life really is now. The days go by, as they will, but my joy is gone. I don't have the same 'pep in my step' and the true happiness of my life is gone. I love my son dearly, and don't mean that he's not my joy as well, but my life as a woman is gone, maybe forever. My life as a woman is over---and I just turned 53. I guess it just really got to me. I may as well join a convent now. It's beautiful being a mom, I don't regret that, but is that all I'm meant to be the remainder of my life? I guess I'm having a pity party and I didn't know who to invite except my friends on this forum. No one else understands. No one else seems to care. It's almost as though Clint never existed. Except for me. I loved him so. I still do. And the world continues to turn as though that no longer matters.

mth, the poem is beautiful and speaks to everything I feel as well. Today is my birthday and each year, at midnight, Clint would wish me happy birthday. It was always so sweet the way he remembered. He was good at remembering dates. A whiz with numbers he was. It was a melancholy day for me today. I wasn't really sad the entire day, but in part and simply lonely that we could not and will never share a birthday again.

I often wonder why people don't seem to bother anymore. I don't get calls and his family has totally abandoned me. My own family is dysfunctional, but I have reconnected to one of my brothers and he calls me. The weekends are very lonely, and I have noticed that the most disressful time of day is dusk. I don't know why, but when the day ends and night begins I am most lonely. I always enjoyed that time of day because Clint and I seemed to always come together during the night and I always felt so loved. I have managed to figure out how to occupy my time during the day, but the night has always been a challenge. I have just resigned myself to the fact that life has gone on for everyone else and they must think I've gone on as well. No one really discusses Clint's death with me anymore, although I still speak of him often with anyone who will listen. I guess they got tired of my sadness and I got the impression they were beginning to think I should just move on and just forget it. I almost feel guilty about still discussing his death and the events which led to it. I just can't get it out of my mind. I am still in shock about some aspects of the whole situation. I have decided to talk with my therapist and grief support group because they, at least, will listen. I am seeing my therapist weekly now, so it gives me an outlet. It doesn't help much at home, though. I guess I'll just have to rely on my faith and time to continue my progress.

Hi Mary, I don't agree that you are being disloyal by having a companion in grief who happens to be male. And if it were to ever progress further, so be it. Life does go on and I'm sure Michael would not want you to suffer alone. I don't believe we were necessarily meant to live the remainder of our lives without companionship at some point. The love you have for Michael will always be there regardless of any future relationship. It is possible to have love for different people at various times in life and it doesn't negate what you had with your lost mate. I have to believe this is true because there may come a time in life where it may come to pass for all of us.

Hi Melina, I agree with Billw and am happy for your progress. I haven't quite reached that level of progress in my journey, but I can feel it getting a little better. I was talking with my brother just last night, and was able to recall the events leading to Clint's death without totally breaking down and sobbing and that is great progress for me. I don't believe I go a day yet without thinking of him, but the periods between break downs are now farther away. I would hope that doesn't mean I've forgotten him, I really don't believe that. You will get better and so will we all, in time. I'm told we all will progress in our own unique ways, but we'll get there. I, too, think that our progress through grief is the best way to honor our loved ones' memories and somehow, I believe Clint is proud of my having loved him and learning to live in the world although he's no longer physically present.

Hi everyone, I am relieved the holidays have passed; now I've got to deal with all the other 'firsts' without my Clint. Valentine's Day is coming and I have so many memories of how we spent that day. He always bought chocolates for all the 'ladies' in his life, myself; his mom, sisters, and others. He was such a sweet person. Everyone liked him and he had a pleasant demeanor. I know I'm going to miss him on certain days even more than others. I was in the store the other day and saw the Valentine's Day displays and the row of chocolates; those he would have purchased. I may just get one, just for us, to celebrate that day as he would have.

Martina, I have finally packed the bulk of Clint's clothing and have three large boxes in the living room, ready to take over to his family to distribute to his sons. This is after almost three months. I probably would have waited even longer, except it's winter here and I want his sons to have use of the outer clothing. I didn't have such a hard time with the majority of his clothing, just those things he regularly wore. I kept all his uniforms because I know how much he loved his job. I kept the shoes he wore most often, especially his last pair of work shoes. He walked his last mail route in those shoes. I just can't part with them. I suppose there are things I'll keep forever and that's okay. You don't have to do anything right now. If you feel comfortable having family help with this process fine, but don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or move through the process. Your life has been severely affected and you need time to adjust. Keeping things that belonged to David are going to give you comfort in some ways right now. We can't just wipe them out of our memories by removing their physical effects...that's just not how it works for most of us. Outsiders are insensitive, sometimes, to what should be done after someone's death. His family will not be affected as you are. Some things you will have to do differently. Keep whatever you need of his right now. You will know later whether anything needs to change. I kept Clint's work sweaters and shoes in the living room in plain sight for months. It gave me peace. Part of me felt that I shouldn't remove anything because I guess, unconsciously, I thought 'he was only going to be gone temporarily but would need them when he got back'. I needed that comfort then. I'm a little better now. I can, at least, let go of some of it.

Hi Chris, Those horrible memories of what should have been done, what could I have done better or more effectively. I ask myself over and over. Now that almost three months have passed and the fog has lifted a bit, I see so many more things retrospectively. I just couldn't have known then what is so clear now. Clint was ill for a very long time. I knew it, but the medical community kept brushing it off as depression, dehydration, minor infections, etc. I should have followed my first mind. I have seen people with cancer, he looked the same. Yet, I allowed those "competent medical professionals" to assure me he was fine. He wasn't. He died. He was dying for months and I didn't know it. I know now that I couldn't have done things differently then because I was misinformed. But I live with the regret of those final months and weeks...I should have been saying goodbye properly....I didn't know our time was so limited. Let the feelings flow. One of the most important things I learned here is that I am not alone. We all think of what we might have done better, did we do the right thing, were their wishes carried out properly, etc. There was lots of confusion, frustration and sadness going on then, coupled with the everyday stresses of normal life. We couldn't have done any more than we did. Our loved ones knew that. I'm convinced now that Clint knew I did the best I could. Your Tim is also aware that you did your best to make sure he was cared for as he requested. I just believe they knew. It was just their time to die and there's no amount of caring and love that could have prevented the events that led to that end. Take care. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm trying to convince myself of that every day, too. We'll get through this in time.

Hi Martina. I see you're posting regularly. That's going to help. I began posting a few days after Clint died and that was the only thing that helped at first. Any time of the day and even during the nights (which were and still are the most difficult). David was blessed to have you there until the very end. I was with Clint when he took his last breath. He struggled to hold on, but his body was too damaged to go on any longer. I don't know if he knew I was there with him, but he squeezed my hand really tightly before he died and I hope that means he heard me say how much I loved him. Clint was not sick and had no chronic illnesses, which was why terminal cancer was such a shock. No one knew. He died within four days of his diagnosis. I didn't have time to even grasp the cancer before I had to deal with his death. It is the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. He had just celebrated his 53rd birthday, just retired six months ago and barely collected six retirement checks. I cannot believe he's gone. I know the horror, shock and sadness you feel. It's like walking around in a daze, but you are still here. The world keeps turning and you're standing still. Life goes on for everybody else, but for us, it's suspended. I can't even tell you what all I did to get through these three months. People stopped calling after the funeral, as though everything is alright now. They tell me to get over it, he's gone now. They think three months is enough time and that I shouldn't even still talk about it! No one knows this pain unless they've experienced it. I do have a counselor and it has helped me greatly. She's there even though everyone else seems 'tired' of hearing about my story. I tell it over and over again to whomever will listen. It is necessary for us to do that. It's just not always possible to get people to listen. Just know, you will go through this at your own pace. There is no specific timeline. Cry whenever you need to. We get better by allowing ourselves to feel all the pain. I still cry, just not as often. The sadness is what lingers the longest. I miss him. He was my friend and really the only family I had. I understand and you are not alone.