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Hi Melina, I'm not sure about a 'set' path on this journey, either. It's been six weeks and every Friday night at 10:03 p.m. marks another week. I wonder when I'll lose track. I can't seem to get it out of my head thus far. I have days where I may not be tearful, but the sadness is underlying every positive emotion I try to develop. I cannot believe this man is gone. I mean, I know it, it's just hard to imagine that just a few months ago he was alive. I have tried to chart my course based on those 'steps' of grief, but I fluctuate between all the steps. I even feel some days that I'm ready for acceptance--I mean what choice do I have? He is GONE and will never return...but then the numbness is still there and the anger, too. I read that in time this will make better sense. I am hoping this is so. I am on the journey right along with you......

I'm either numb or sobbing, so I understand. It's been six weeks for me and I can relate to that numb feeling. For me, it's almost like I'm floating around in limbo, doing what's necessary, and not really reacting. Then, it all builds up and overflows after a few days. I can only say that it doesn't happen as often, but it still does occur. I can actually go most of the week without much outward emotion, although I'm crumbling inside. It's when I'm alone and idle that the thoughts crash in. I try to keep lots of reading material to fill the empty spots, but they say you shouldn't try to fill ALL your time to avoid the pain. It just hurts so badly. I had a moment today--I was fine until I called a friend and then the waterworks began. Prior to that phone call, I was in my usual numb trance.

Mary, I am happy you have something positive to look forward to! I am hopeful, that in time, I will find something that gives me joy that I can anticipate.

Sending you a smile, Nancy...I feel a little better now! Thanks....

Hi Rachel, Just wanted you to know that Clint's nickname was "Buck", also. Whenever I see that name on the board, I smile! I miss my Buck, too....

I do understand, Melina. That's where I am. I am having very hard time with it, to the point I really don't want to go anywhere because I'll be faced with the dilemma of hearing about normal lives involving couples with husbands or partners. I was never this way, either, but then I've never lost anyone like this before. People are quick to say 'get over it' and I suppose it is easier to say that when your SPOUSE/PARTNER is alive and well.

I find that it seems to get more difficult for me, too, but it comes in waves. It has been one month, the second month will be December 22, 2010. He wasn't ill and was pretty much himself except for the last few months of his life. He was up and running and wrestling and racing with my son just a few months ago. We were walking together in the summer time; we took 30-minute walks each morning--I had no idea he was as ill as he was. His death was such a shock and it happened so rapidly, I really had no time to get prepared for life without him. I suppose that's why this is so difficult for me. My family is totally dysfunctional and not there for me and his family has distanced themselves, so not much support is available. The few friends I have call from time to time, but think that a 'couple months' is enough time to grieve and believe I should 'get on with it'. But none of them has lost a PARTNER. It's all well and good to tell me of people they've lost, but then they can return home with someone. I understand your feeling alone. I am alone, too. As much as I have my memories of what I once had, he's gone, and so is my companionship. I was just thinking today about how we used to laugh together, appeciating each other's humor and how we had jokes between us that no one else understood. Those were priceless, intimate things that are lost forever. I can't seem to even go to church anymore because his seat is empty. People keep telling me 'don't stop going to church!'...I haven't lost my faith, it's just that the building itself causes such emotion. I am so tired of crying, especially in public. The holidays are another reminder of how lonely I am. We had each other and didn't do much else during the holidays except spend them together, just our little family. Now I don't even have that. I believe that maybe one day it will change, but it is such a relief knowing that you all understand how I feel and that it will take as long as it is meant for me. I miss him terribly and it isn't the type of crisis that has a time limit.

That's a good point, Melina.

I guess we're waiting for the day the grief will go away? As though miraculously the sky will open up and shine on us and the sadness will evaporate? That's the way I feel. I am still in some sort of strange state of mind; most days I function, but in a fog. The emptiness is still there, although it's not quite as raw....I don't think it will ever be filled. The reality that I'll never spend time with Clint again on this Earth is a smack in the face regardless of any strides I make toward recovery. I guess I'm waiting for that feeling to vanish.......

Hi Mary, I can totally relate. We who have lost so much are very sensitive to changes--especially additional losses and your relationship with your friend will definitely change. Another loss. But, have faith. Just as we will never forget our lost loves, she's not likely to abandon you, either; for she and you went through a very difficult time for both of you. She's going to be in the throes of the new relationship which will occupy more time than you're accustomed to, but I believe she'll be available for you, as well. You might want to discuss your feelings with her; she probably is oblivious to anything except her new love interest right now, which is good for her, too, I'm sure. Good luck and try not to envy her happiness too much; a little is expected, but I feel that if ever I am blessed with another relationship, I'd hope my friends would be happy for me.

I can relate. I just got a message that a friend's husband has just been diagnosed with cancer with an anticipated three weeks to live and while I feel for her, I keep thinking of my Clint who was diagnosed and died within four days (October 2010). I wish the best for her and her husband and that maybe the doctors are wrong..that he can be treated successfully. Every time I hear of a new diagnosis or emergency it takes me back to when Clint died... This isn't unusual for us in the early stages of our grieving process, I'm told. I do hope these reactions fade with time.

Hi Melina...your posts are NOT depressing! They are real and just what I need! There are far too many people who think I am 'overdoing' the grief thing. I am getting lots of crap from people because I didn't show up at their big Thanksgiving feast and celebration. I saw one at the grocery story, invited me to Christmas dinner and made a snide remark..'she won't be there'...and 'you need to be around people'. I'd rather hear from you than a bunch of people who criticize me (all while enjoying the company of their mates, needless to say). I like the e-mail idea...

Your post gives me hope that someday, I too could be happy again. I can't see that far ahead, however. It's only been a month and the pain is still pretty severe. I wanted to mention that when I went to my bereavement group, there were many there who had remarried, yet still grieve the loss of their previous spouse. I guess I just can't imagine beginning a relationship with anyone else while still grieving. I mean does one just compartmentalize the grief to move on, or does it exist simultaneously? I know I'm much too early in this process to consider this, just trying to comprehend. Good luck to you and I'm happy you were able to move on.

My Thanksgiving was much like yours. I was sad and angry and tired of being sad; angry because I'm still sad, ticked off because everyone had their mates and basically sick and tired of being the focus of everyone's 'pity'. I didn't ask for this! I'm trying to deal with the anger and searching for healthy outlets.

Thank you, Cheryl. And you're right. He's afraid of losing me, too. Clint wasn't his father, but he was a big part of his life since he was three, so he's grieving the loss and he's sad that I'm sad. My son's father (my ex-husband) is in his life, yet he still misses Clint's presence. He is really helping me through this--maybe more than I'm helping him. I try to be helpful and I believe he loves me for at least trying. I appreciate your comments.

I appreciate all the comments. I miss Clint since he was the one who knew everybody and could get things done. I don't have him anymore to guide me in certain things. He always took care of the cars and made sure I knew where to take them. Then, too, I had his car to drive while mine was being fixed. I don't have that option now. I'll be without a car if I get it serviced, or will have to rent one, etc. It's not that I'm totally helpless, I just had a good helpmate and now he's gone. It's hard coordinating everything alone and I hate it. His being a mail carrier allowed him to be in contact with every imaginable service person on his route; I always had help with anything I needed. That's gone now. I'm on my own. I miss his love, definitely, but all the practical things, too. The jury's still out on the car for now. I'll give it a little more time before I decide. The car hasn't given me any trouble, really; just hoping it will make it through another Ohio winter. Thanks everyone.

Nats, I have heard that people who've lost partners make good couples because they can share their losses. I also learned that at my support group there are numerous people who have remarried, but still attend grief support for the deceased former spouse! The loss of someone is a forever thing, even when you move on to find another. I find this part of the process fascinating. While I really can't consider moving on to that extent, at least not right now, it's good to know that it is possible at some point. Finding someone who will understand the importance of the prior partner would be difficult though, I'd assume. I don't know. I already have people who believe I should be getting over my fiance's death, it's only been a month--so I can imagine the difficulty finding an understanding mate-- I'm happy for you...

My car has 92,000 miles and is a 2006 Ford. I believe I can get another year out of it, but it's started giving me some problems. It will be totally paid off in a year. To buy another car now would mean applying the negative equity to the new vehicle. Everything in me says 'wait', but since I don't have the luxury of another car anymore, I'm a little apprehensive. I don't want this car to crap out on the street in the middle of winter, but a major purchase right now in the midst of this grief may not be the best move. I guess I just had to get this out....I'm still contemplating. It was nice having access to his car...it wasn't as crucial an issue...now everything seems to be magnified......I am so terrified about being alone in many aspects of everyday life.

Hi Carol Ann, I do hope your day went well. It's a little tricky trying to get 'back into the swing'. At least you're confident of your abilities....that will help a great deal. Isn't it amazing how animals can tune into our feelings without saying a word? I believe they subliminally just 'know'. I can relate to the hugs. Clint was the only man who held me while we slept. I used to feel like the most loved woman in the world! I do miss those hugs, too.

And thank you, Melina. Your responses have been comforting to me, as well.

Hi Melina I, too, am sorry the group experience didn't go well. I agree with Marty, though, give it another try--there may be other members that weren't there with whom you can relate. My first support group was comprised of another single mom of a son (which I was grateful for), sisters of a suicidal sibling and the remainder of the group were grieving spouses, but were all remarried! That was a little unnerving--but I had to also remember that some people were members of this group much longer than myself and may have already traveled down my road--they've just grown in their recovery; also, new members join all the time. The group dynamic will, no doubt, change and may then include members more helpful to you. Our facilitator also spoke of her marriage, but then, if she has a good one, she will speak of it, I guess. I don't particularly enjoy hearing of couple bliss at this time in my journey, but it is life and things will proceed whether I'm ready to do so or not. If nothing else, know you're not alone and everyone grieves differently. The participants are there to not only support each other, but to also share their experience. I hope the next session is of more help. I plan on starting my own group, one day when I'm further along. It amazes me that there really aren't that many groups available in my area. Keep us posted....and keep the faith.

I suppose at this point I have no where to direct this anguish which I refer to as 'anger'. It's frustration, helplessness and sorrow all rolled into one. I agree, inflicting this on others isn't the way to go, it's merely a reaction to something I still don't understand. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read my rant and for the support of those who responded. I am always up and down with this and trying to deal with my son makes it doubly difficult. Now that Clint is gone, my son feels insecure. He is so used to his presence and now he's afraid someone will break into the house because Clint isn't here to guard it and protect us anymore. We were up long past his bedtime last night, he was crying and I was attempting to comfort him. I feel so inadequate at this! Being a mom is hard enough; I wish I could be a better grief counselor to him. But, after sitting at his bedside for a long while, stroking his hair and back, and assuring him he is loved and that Clint died because he was ill and not because he didn't love us, he finally went to sleep. I guess I did some good after all.

Carol Ann I am so proud of you! I know it took great courage to take this step. I'm happy it was a pleasant experience. It will be nice to enjoy things again, although I can't really imagine it right now. I suppose in time I'll be ready to try some of the things we used to do together...right now I just miss his presence and want to share with him....

The anger comes in waves, as do the tears. The sorrow is always there. I don't want to be angry, it's just that I feel I was dealt a bad hand. I know I'm going to have to learn to handle this better, it's still so raw for me right now. Some days I can get through and quell the anger (and envy); others I have a hard time with. I am lucky to have had love, yes, but totally unlucky to have had it snatched away. I am not a bitter person, usually... This has changed me and my perception of the world. I want to be at peace with things again, that's all. Then, when I'm beginning to emerge, I remember Clint is gone and I'm right back where I started from. I read that it's like a rollercoaster, but for me, it's a merry go round and I keep ending up at the same place.