kellymarie

Thanks Maylissa. You did provide a few moments of hope. And it was good to realize that we should appreciate any moments of happiness even if it's only a few seconds/minutes. I hadn't thought of that but I really like it. It's no pressure to look at it that way. (after reading your post, I found 30 seconds of happiness because of something that happened and I was able to appreciate those 30 seconds. baby steps...) It's also so comforting to hear from everyone on here... it's nice to feel other people around that are at a similar point in the grief process. Claudia, welcome. This place is so wonderful. Keep checking back. This site and everyone here have helped me get through so many days since I've found it. Before I felt alone and crazy; now I feel less alone and less crazy. Vero, I have to admit that I have felt the same way you have but I have been afraid to admit it. "sometimes I wish I could just end it all and be with her. Don't worry, im way too chicken to do anything to hurt myself. I've had thoughts of hoping maybe today I will be in a bad car accident or something." I agree, I could never do anything to hurt myself. But if I were in some freak accident, I wouldn't be upset. And I've been feeling kind of bad for having these thoughts. But I understand how you feel. And if you want to scream... go for it. Try pounding something that won't hurt bad like a pillow or the bed. Sometimes I scream too. I wish I could QUIT my job too. I won't (they say to not make big decisions at this time) but I fantasize about quitting!

Hi again, Now that I'm thinking about this all a little more, I remember something a friend told me about a month ago that I now I understand a bit more (she lost her baby just over a year ago ). She had told me that once you get over the "raw pain," it's almost harder. She said for her it was easier (if you can call anything in this process "easy") to deal with the "raw pain" because it completely consumes your life, everyone around you understands, and you really don't have to think of much else. But once the raw, fresh pain has passed, she said it was harder to deal with. So maybe these feelings are what she was telling me about. Just a thought... Kelly

Kathy, Your message really reached out to me. It was 3 months for me on Monday, and it was one of my worst days. I hadn't heard or read that this was a difficult time but hearing that from you makes me feel less worse. On Monday, I thought back to 1 month then 2 months... and really I was the worst on 3 months. I couldn't really figure out way. The only thing I can think is that I have finally come out of complete shock. This week last year, Josh and I were on a week long vacation together. So every day, memories keep replaying in my head of where we were, what we were doing, etc. Seeing the 4th of July decorations out just opened the flood gates of emotions and memories. The first 2-3 months I was in shock; reality wasn't reality. I just kept doing what I was supposed to do every day to get to the next day. But now I feel like I've even lost that energy to do every day things. During the week, I was busy at work. But since I left work on Friday, I just feel completely let down. I keep thinking "How am I supposed to survive this??" So to answer your question, atleast for me, this 3 month mark has been a huge onslaught of heavier emotions. And the emotions definately feel "heavier" if that's possible. I agree with you, it's horrible and I'm not sure how we're supposed to survive it. But somehow, people survive. I don't understand how but the people who have gone before us are somehow still breathing. I feel your pain and I'm sobbing with you. Kelly

Thank you so much Kay. It's so good to hear you say that since I sometimes feel like I'm wandering aimlessly through grief (or in circles...). I really have to say that finding this site, reading a lot of older posts, and getting the recommendation to get Healing after Loss made me realize I have a choice in this process. I am so glad to have found you all. I no longer feel alone in the depths of grief. Kelly

Walt, What a wonderful experience and a wonderful story! A beautiful gift to you from your Jeannie. As a read the lyrics to Holes in the Floor of Heaven, tears ran down my face. Today is 3 months since my Josh died (tough day... ), and it's gently raining outside right now. So those lyrics touched me... So I guess Josh is watching and wishing he could be here now. It's a soothing thought. So thank you for sharing your gift from Jeannie. I also just planted some bright orange marigolds for Josh (he loved orange!), so I guess he's watering them for me. I've been having little experiences here and there that I think are little gifts from Josh or that's he's just stopping by to say "hi." Like hearing our song Soul Meets Body on the radio, a butterfly that fluttered by when I was buying Josh's marigolds, and others. So I too think that I may be losing my mind, but I love it! I love feeling Josh near me. I've heard that if you're more open and receptive to these experiences, the more you'll have. So I'm ready!

Cyndy, That's wonderful that you were able to talk to your husband about what you're going through right now! Being able to share your feelings is so helpful, soothing, and relieving. I'm so happy for you!! Kelly

l2mchic, Wow, I think that would be pretty hard to talk to his first girlfriend. I can understand why it could have been disheartening. The weekend of Josh's wake and funeral I met Josh's girlfriend prior to me. They hadn't been friends the year after they dated (bad breakup; that was his "style") but over the past few months before his death they had started talking. She's married now but Josh had told me that she was somewhat jealous of things he would tell her about our current relationship. Josh used to go out of his way to do cute things for me and she was annoyed that he didn't do that for her. So before ever meeting her, I knew she had some "issues," shall we say. Over the weekend of the funeral (and actually an email after the funeral) she said things I now realize may have been intentionally said in an attempt to upset me (and they did upset me at the time!). But I've realized that I need to keep her at a distance; she's not helping me in the grieving process, she's actually making it worse. So she's out!! Can't believe your Brandon was buried in his suit from your time together at the wedding... "when i come in contact with his best friends or family it just makes me feel that much closer to him. knowing you both are thinking of him even without saying anything." I definately felt this way this past weekend when I visited. I spent one night with Josh's friends and then the next day with Josh's mom. I definatly felt closer to Josh being with them, especially one of his friends that was his first year college roommate. I stayed with this friend in his condo; it reminded me SO much of Josh's decorating style. I think Josh and his friend had alot of similar traits since they had lived together that first year on their own. I think I may eventually adapt the "old boyfriend" instead of "ex." It is just still so recent that "old" sounds to far ago but eventually I think that will work much better. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm looking forward to the day when I can say my old boyfriend with loving memories instead of my ex-boyfriend with huge unresolved issues being killed in a car accident... And I don't mind your rambling at all! I love the stories... again, makes me feel not so freakishly alone!

AmyLea, I am so sorry to hear about your mom and your dad. It is so tough to have a job that impacts other people's lives directly. I asked at work to have some of my responsibilities changed temporarily until I was at a better place and more able to concentrate. Is that a possibly for you at all?? Thanks everyone.... I guess that some of my issues were "old issues" (relationship with mom) than now have surfaced (and gotten worse since she has no idea how to supportive...) and some are "new issues" (hmmm, why did I choose my career?????). And I definately think it's because as Maylissa said "changed priorities or a change or shift in our value system." I want to deal with mom issues now but she is not receptive at all. My sister recommended stepping away from the situation until we're both a better places in our lives. (mom's thinking about moving across country after living in the same house for the past 30 years for reasons brought about because of Josh's death) I just worry about having unsolved issues because I just lost someone to a sudden death. So I worry if I don't solve my issues with my mom NOW she or I may died suddenly. (It seems somewhat irrational but IT HAPPENS!!) Don't know what to do.... talking to her makes me cry and feel like crap but not talking to her makes me cry and feel like crap... Also, I have to make a career decision within the next few months (decision by end of August). I've been reading here and there about not to making big decisions while dealing with grief issues but I DON'T have a choice. How do I make sure I'm making a good decision?? (Before Josh's death I would have choosen one option and now I'm thinking of heading in an opposite direction. I'm realizing I want a life not just a career.)

I wish I knew an answer to your question because I'm asking myself the same one... I was having issues with my mom and I's relationship before Josh died and when I was fresh into grief, I kept saying to her "I can't deal with our issues now..." I was avoiding our issues; I was too overwhelmed by grief to deal with anything else. But now that I'm almost 3 months into this grief thing, I can't avoid the issues. I need real answers to our problems but it seems that they're currently "unsolvable." We're on temporary hold until we are both at better places in our lives. Grief has also made my career decisions seem so much harder and more complicated than before. I guess being emotionally drained by grief and having a new outlook on life as a result of losing a loved one makes our other issues/problems in life seem so much more acute and more complicated.

Cyndy and l2mchic, Thank you both so much for sharing your stories with me here. Grieving can be such a lonely process in itself, and then feeling like no one in the entire world must being going through our specific situation makes it even lonelier. It's comforting to hear that others are greiving unique losses as well. It also seems that we're dealing with more than just his death; we're dealing with a relationship that still had unresolved issues. Since our loved one is no longer here, we alone have to resolve each issue without the other's input. Over the past almost 3 months (!), I've gone through so many of Josh and I's unresolved issues and tried to come to a resolution on each one. I am finally starting to be able to grieve his death now that I've worked on grieving the loss of a "love that will not sustain a marriage." (Marty, I love that quote! Thank you! That saying really seems to apply to Cyndy, l2mchic, and I in each our own unique ways.) One of the best quotes that has helped me deal with all these unresolved issues is from Martha Hickman's "Healing After Loss" (an amazing book). I remind myself over and over and over.... "Our loved ones forgive us, as we forgive them." I hope you don't mind if a share a happy little story as well (these are few and far between these days so I am very grateful to have one!). This weekend I went to visit Josh's mom (it's only about 900 miles! Had to fly!). Well, on the piano in her living room are pictures of Josh throughout his life, cute baby pictures, toddler years, elementary and high school, college, but none from the last few years of his life. (Josh was 27 when he died.) Well, his mom had framed a picture of Josh and I from a wedding that I was in last June (this upcoming weekend will be 1 year... that just made me cry... ). Josh had bought a new $700 suit, and I was in my beautiful bridesmaid dress (yes, it's true!). Josh was buried in that suit; he's wearing it right now. But in some little way, now that I'm on the piano in their living room with Josh, I feel like I am a little part of their family. There was so much love between us in that picture, it makes me smile . Thank you all for letting me share. And thank you so much for sharing with me. I don't feel so freakishly alone. Also, Cyndy, you asked "Do you imagine what would have happened if you'd stayed together?" I imagine that and so many different things. I let myself think each one through, come up with simple to crazy things, and then let each one go just as it came into my thoughts. I recognize them, say "oh, that's interesting," or "that's just crazy!!" and then let the thoughts go. I did that for the first 2 months or so. And now those questions don't pop up in my mind that often. And it's nice. But I think it's because I allowed my mind to think each one through. (Eventhough they were some outlandish thoughts!!!) l2mchic, "I mean I broke his heart months before he died, i should have moved on and i felt everyone around me felt that too. It was so upsetting at first when I would tell people what happened I wouldn't know how to describe it. Saying he was my ex boyfriend, did not begin to cover what he was to me." My thoughts and my experience EXACTLY!!!! wow... Also, there really is something special about a first love that can never be changed; it holds such a unique spot in your heart. I have continued to wonder over the years if I would ever get back together with my first love. We have kept in touch, sometimes years go by with no communication. He's married now but I still wonder in some wierd way if we would ever be together again. We hadn't spoken in years and literally days after Josh's death he contacted me. Life is so strange... But I just wanted to say that it makes so much sense to me that you are grieving, for so many different reasons. Also, I am so sorry that your friends may not understand why you are so upset. I can only say that's exactly how I feel!!! Sometimes I want to shake my friends (and my mom!!) and say "why don't you understand???" But I don't.... I just come to this site where I am understood... Wow, that was alot of rambling! Guess I had more on my mind than I realized! Take care, Kelly I keep thinking of things and editing my post! Last thought for tonight... Cyndy, you said you felt selfish for posting your story. Do you realize that you have now helped 2 other people in their often times dark and lonely pathway through loss and grief?

Hi Cyndy, Reading your post, I felt like I could in some sort of way relate. My experience with death is different but I can relate in that we don't fit in a neat little category of greiving "spouse," "parent," "sibling" etc. It makes us question our grief. My very recent ex-boyfriend died in a car accident on March 5th. Although I was the one that initiated the ending of our relationship and didn't see that we would most likely get back together, I am greiving as if he was a spouse! For the first 2 months after his death, I questioned myself... "Why am I so upset?" "Why am I crying so much" "Why am I greiving like this; we broke up! The break up was hideous!" "He could be so awful!" And people even would say to me "Oh, it must be easier on you because you weren't together anymore." THIS IS NOT TRUE!! So writing all that is to let you know that despite not fitting in a neat little category, eventhough you were not together at the time of his death, he touched your life in a very special way. Once we have loved someone, have allowed ourselves to get very close in a very unique way, we are forever changed. And somehow, their death makes us realize how profound an impact they had on our lives eventhough we didn't realize it at the time. (Or, in our cases, we may have been trying to "move on" and trying to lessen their impact on our life to make the end of the relationship easier to accept.) So, although you may be wondering "why I am grieving so?," let yourself greive as much and as fully as your body leads you. Trying to rationalize why you shouldn't be greiving or questioning your grief is a natural response, but just tell yourself, "It's ok to grieve; he touched my life in a way I didn't fully recognize." I knew I had loved Josh but it had become clouded in my mind. His death and my grief has allowed me to see how fully and truly I loved him. And, although you say you have not lost a spouse or a lover, you did say that you loved him. So you have lost someone you had loved at one point in your life. Also by coming to this site I have realized that, although I don't fit into a neat little category, the experience of grieving the loss of a loved one is universal. Reading others experiences here will hopefully allow you to also see that you're not alone and, whatever the circumstances were, you can and should grieve as much as your body needs. I hope that all makes sense! Take care, Kelly

"I try to keep busy, surround myself with people but I don't feel close to them anymore, even my own family, I feel like they don't understand what I'm going through, I feel like I'll never be the same anymore" "Why is it getting harder instead of better" "I just do no fit in anymore and feel like I am on the outside looking in at the world now." I have to say this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I could have written those words, especially the past two weeks. I reached out to my mom over the past 2 months since Josh's death, and she absolutely has NO idea how to be there for me. Yesterday she told me she was embarassed that I cried in the airport with her (about a month ago) the day after I helped Josh's mom go through many boxes of Josh's belongings (a month after his death). I have never felt so distant from her in my life, and this is when I need her the most. I've been asking her to please please just call me to see how I'm doing; she can't even do that. It's very sad, another loss in my life. I feel, too, like I will never be the same, and from reading alot on this site and other places, I've accepted that I will never be the same person ever again. I've given up the fight to feel "normal" again. But I've also made the decision to become a new person, a deeper, more understanding person. I feel like it's getting harder too. I'm hoping it's another phase. Someone had recommended on this site "Healing after Loss," (thank you so so so much) and today's thoughts say that the feeling of fresh new grief can come back without warning. (That was the last 2 weeks for me...) but that we should be gentle with ourselves and accept that these "storms of the psyche" are part of the "passage on the road to recovery." So I guess it's o.k. if we feel like it's getting worse; it's part of the journey. "Death isn't contagious" You're absolutely right about that, but I've learned that people are SCARED of death and scared of us because we're dealing with death in such a personal way.

Dear Josh's mom, My heart goes out to you. I lost my Josh on March 5th, 2006 (he was my recent ex-boyfriend). He was 27 years old and was killed by a 17 year old (also ironically named Josh) who was driving too fast for the weather conditions. He was an only child; he, too, was the center of his parents' lives, especially his mom. Eventhough they lived far apart, they used to talk every couple of days, often for long times. Everyone has said she was his best friend. I talk to my Josh's mom atleast once a week, and she says she feels crazy all the time. She forgets where she puts things, drives to work and back home because she can't find her glasses, gets out all the wrong words. Although I can't imagine your pain, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are other Josh's moms out there grieving with you right now. -Kelly

I certainly relate to feeling exhausted dealing with so much grief every single day. My wonderful friend Anne sent me a post-it note with the following saying; I put it on my mirror so I see it every night before I go to bed. "Courage does not always roar. Some times it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'"

It's been just over 2 months since Josh's death, and I feel like I'm a new person that has just woken up and is stuck in my old life. I do all the things I used to do before Josh died; I get up each day, go to work, talk to friends and family, go to the gym, go out with friends, etc. But I don't actually feel like it's me doing all these things. I feel like I'm a completely new and different person but my life is the outer shell of who I used to be. New soul, old body. I never feel present in my life or present in the moment. Has anyone else experienced this? Because it certainly makes me feel crazy, especially since it makes me question my career choice, relationship with my mother and sister, and many other things I used to be at peace with in my life. I'm also struggling with the fact that Josh and I had just gotten out of a year long, very intense relationship. I have not found any support groups or information on dealing with a difficult break-up compounded by a sudden death. Has anyone been in this or a similar situation? Thanks for letting me listen to all of your stories.