kellymarie

Chrissy, He is absolutely adorable!! I'm so glad you shared your cutie with us!! Kelly

Today I found out that Josh's friends had their baby boy that they've named after Josh on November 1; he was about 2 weeks early... just in time for all saints day. And that Josh's name will be included in tonight's mass for all souls day at my dear friend's church. I definately feel "the veil between the two worlds is the thinnest..."

Ann, Your reference to the Mexican Days of the Dead gave me goosebumps. I had been thinking about how much Josh loved Halloween but didn't really put it all together that he was also very interested in the Day of the Dead. Last year around this time, he bought two panorama boxes from Mexico that had depictions of skeletons and the celebration of the Day of the Dead. I don't think I realized then what it was really all about. He sent one of the panoramas to his friend who was also interested. He kept his panorama in the kitchen. Then when I was going through Josh's belongings with his mom, I came across Josh's Day of the Dead panorama and sent it to his friend. And this summer I planted a bunch of orange marigolds for Josh. But I really didn't put it all together until now. It makes me wonder if Josh, on some level, knew he was to die so young...

Deborah and Laurie, I am very impressed with your strength to try to "celebrate" Halloween in the way you could this year. I just couldn't do it; Josh just loved Halloween... it was such a big deal to him, as were many holidays. I just tried to pretend all day that it wasn't Halloween. Lights out, no candy, no costumes, no kids at the door... just couldn't do it this year. Me, Josh, and our friend Stacey last year... Our pumpkin we carved (my first one ever and Josh's last one....)

Chrissy, Your post got me thinking... and I looked through some of my old posts. It seems that I wasn't able to recall good memories and be happy about them until almost 5 months. Of course, as you know, everyone is different. In the beginning when I would think of Josh, the image in my mind of Josh was at the wake. I have this horrible image of his face covered with makeup trying to hide the bruises, etc. (He was killed in a car accident.) People would comment that he looked "great;" he looked absolutely HORRIBLE! The image still haunts me occassionally. Fortunately, the wake was a closed casket except for close family and friends. Eventhough it was awful, I think that if I didn't see Josh, I would never believe that he really died. But I wanted to say this all because now when I think of Josh, I really mainly recall the happy, alive Josh with only occassional unhappy memories. But the happy ones are more frequent these days. And by looking at lots of pictures of the happy times, my brain more readily recalls Josh alive (not at the horrible wake). But I think in order to get to a better place you have to suffer through the horrible times. Grief just sucks that way. No way around it, just through it... so I think you're heading in the right direction eventhough it seems so awful right now. Tons of hugs, Kelly

Thank you all for that Seasons of Love. I had forgotten that Josh had that CD and used to listen to it. But before, I never listened to the words so closely, something Josh used to love doing. I almost feel like it's a little message from him. I miss you Josh.

I received this as an email forward (I usually don't like them but...) this really hit me. As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. ~anonymous~

Shell, Atleast your mom is willing to talk about her belongings and what she would like to happen to them. This weekend I went home and my mom's house is so FULL of stuff it was overwhelming. I told her she was turning into her mom who's house was PACKED when she died. My mom replied with "Well, I'm not going to die." How do you reason with someone like that??? I've been thinking about making up a will for me. Is there an easy way to do it? Do you have to have a lawyer? Leann, I know exactly what you mean! I'm definately simplifying and traveling through life "lighter." I completely agree about how things before seemed so important just aren't important anymore!!! My new saying is "It's just STUFF... it doesn't mattter!!!!" Love, Kelly

Geeezzzz, this grief thing is truly a rollercoaster or spiral or whatever term to refer to the fact that you repeat phases over and over and over again. Just feeling sad and lonely today and wondering what happened to all my happiness and hope from just a couple of weeks ago...

Thanks Marty! I definately like that point of view! I like considerate better than crazy. And my house is exceptionally clean right now.

So this one is a little wierd. Since Josh died, over the past 7 months, I have gone through absolutely everything I own and gotten rid of stuff I don't need. Not just minor spring cleaning. I'm talking about getting rid of tons of stuff. And now I clean and stay organized so much more frequently. I just keep thinking that if I die unexpectedly, like Josh did, I don't want my family members to have to go through all my belongings and find my place a mess. Right now I'm getting ready to go on a quick trip but I am making sure absolutely everything is clean, organized, and put away. I think, I better unload the dish washer so who ever might have to go through my stuff will think I'm neat and clean. At first I thought is was great to clear out, but now I'm feeling a little morbid... Like I have to make sure my house is ready for me to die at any moment. I went through all of Josh's belongings with his mom that were from his apartment near where I lived. So I know what it's like to be that person to go through belongings. It's just making me feel nutty....

Jenn, I feel I have no words of comfort for you on this rough day. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and Rory today and sending you both many hugs! One positive note... the day is almost over and you SURVIVED!

Leann, I definately noticed this too and have heard this from other grievers as well. In the beginning, I called who I thought would be supportive, and this "list" in my mind changed so much from what was actually true! I love this line from Stephanie Ericsson's Companion through the Darkness: Grief makes what others think of you moot. It shears away the masks of normal life and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth before propriety can stop you. It shoves away friends, scares away so-called friends, and rewrites your address book for you.

Gabrielle, Your sadness and feelings of helplessness make me want to reach across and give you a huge hug. This grief thing is just so hard going. I think you should just let yourself cry. And you never have to stop loving your Christopher. You can just keep giving all that love you have to him and he still loves you. I believe your relationship goes on, though very different. It is very hard to live through this year's birthdays, holidays, etc. and remember what we were doing with our loved one last year. It used to drive me completely crazy that one year ago I would have NEVER imagined how I would be living through this nightmare this year. It sounds so empty and hollow at such a dark time for you but somehow we do survive our nightmare. And sometimes the only way we can survive is just to let ourselves cry and feel awful. But we are here with you, sending you hugs and company along this painful path. Kelly

Thank you both so much. I'm having a bit of a hard day because that video was made for a banquet tonight for the racing school Josh "grew up" with, as a student when he was younger to an instructor most recently. Josh's parents will be at the banquet; I think it will be so hard for them but I think they will appreciate how much he meant to so many people. I just really miss him.

Here's a beautiful video of Josh It makes me miss him so much...

Lori, The three month mark was the absolute worst time for me. I came out of shock and realized that Josh was dead. It was horrible!! If you scroll back under Behaviors in Bereavement to June (I think page 5), Kathy D started a thread called the Three Month Mark. I think you may relate to how horrible we felt!! I'm so sorry it's so miserable. As cliche as it may sound, it really is one day at a time, anymore than that and it could make you crazy. Hugs, Kelly

Thank you all so much! Shell, I know what you mean about really only like talking with other grief survivors... they just get "it." Last night after I posted, I realized that was my 100th post here!! I didn't plan it that way but I feel like it was a real milestone. With that, I have to give my most heartfelt thank you possible to everyone here on this site. It is truly because of everyone here that I survived. I have no idea what I would have done with all of you. I feel that you are all my family. A huge hug and an unbelievable amount of gratitude to each and everyone of you! Love, Kelly

I never thought I would have made it this far I just passed the 7 month mark And I can laugh now I can smile I can be silly And all of this seems natural I don’t cry every day I don’t cry when I feel guilty for being happy When I awake in the morning, I remember that J is gone But the overwhelming feeling of dread no longer accompanies this Mostly, recently, I just laugh a lot At myself, at life, at my crazy ideas Yesterday I thought to myself, how did I survive? How did I make it this far? Was it God? Was it my own strength? I faced death I faced the darkest hours of my life And somehow I survived I feel almost as if I laugh so much now because my life was filled with such sorrow for the past 6 months that now is my time for joy. The minister at J’s funeral said to fill the void with hope I had no idea what this meant but I searched for hope blindly Did he mean hope in an afterlife? Did he mean hope that there would be joy in our lives again? Hope that we find meaning in our loss? Well I found hope I found hope in feeling joy again I found hope in incorporating J’s life into my life and the meaning in my life I would never trade a moment of this misery To take back this experience in my life The experience of love The experience of loss Both I wouldn’t want to live life not knowing I originally thought it so horrible to experience this at a young age Now I am so very grateful I have the opportunity to change the rest of my future I have the opportunity to truly live life to the fullest Without pretenses With falsehoods I will live life with only the most genuine relationships I will become, hopefully, I more compassionate and understanding person Life with loss has so much more meaning that a life without the experience of loss Yes, it is sad that J is gone It still does not seem the natural order of things Yet I am not sad I have found my meaning to all of this I am grateful to have loved and lost J "While the experience of grief work is difficult and slow and wearing, It also is enriching and fulfilling. The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern." Roy and Jane Nichols , "Funerals: A Time for Grief and Growth" in The Hope Line Newsletter, July 2001 www.hopeforbereaved.com This is what I hope for in my life… It’s just so wonderful to be able to feel joy again in my life If you asked me, just even a few months ago, I don’t think this would have been possible Now I see that in the future I may have lows But they will never be the extreme depths of the early months

Derek, I didn't realize you were a 6th of the month anniversary. I'm a 5th of the month and yesterday was the 7th month for me. Your post echoed exactly how I felt yesterday. Thank you for being able to so eloquently express this. Here's a huge hug to you and Carson! Love, Kelly

Kay, Josh's mom has been absolutely wonderful throughout this whole grief process. Today is 7 months since Josh died. Either she calls me or I call her about once a week. If I get busy, she will call just to say hi and check on me. She's the sweetest thing; I've adopted her as my second mom! I am so happy that we have developed such a good relationship. Love, Kelly

Tootie, First of all, I think you are a great friend because you care so much! I thought I'd post a "wish list" that I sent to my family and friends after my Josh died. (I didn't write it myself!) Maybe it will help. Kelly Wish List… • I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name. • If I cry and get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that they died causes my tears. • You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing. • I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling. • Being Bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. • I wish you knew all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death. • I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in 6 months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "formerly bereaved", but forevermore be recovering from my bereavement. • I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief. • Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays can be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking of us and them on these days. And if we get quiet and withdrawn, know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful. • I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my beloved died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know this different me -- I'm the one who'll be here from now on. How to Help a Friend in Grief Recognize that everyone grieves at their own pace. Some progress rather quickly, some move very slowly. We never move at the speed that others think we should. Help us take one day at a time. Keep us company and be there for us. You don't need to say anything profound or do anything earthshaking. Often, your greatest help is your quiet presence and simplest deeds. Make suggestions and initiate contact and activities. It is important for you to respect our privacy and give us some time alone, but we also may not have the energy to structure our lives right after a traumatic loss. We may have to rely on others to think of things that we don't know to ask for. Provide a safe environment for us to show strong emotions. It may be very painful, but it can be of enormous help. Help us remember good things. Tell us your memories of our loved one as you listen to us tell you ours. If we begin to show our emotions outwardly, you have not upset us, you have simply enabled us to be a bit more open in your presence. Be there after the first wave is over. Make the effort to call, to come by, to help us out six months and even a year down the road. Crowds may be difficult for us. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help. If we're not up to a visit we'll let you know, but let us know you remember and are there for us. Listen to us. We need to tell our story over and over in order to process our grief. We may even say outrageous things. Don't judge us by what we say or how we feel. We have a lot to work through, and in time we will come to the answers that are right for us. Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers. You may not be able to help us with certain issues right now, so don't be too quick to share your opinions if we say something you don't agree with. We need time to work things out on our own. Be sensitive to our needs, be patient, have confidence and believe in us. We will get better, we will experience healing; but it will take some time, and it can be rough going for much of the way. Be on the lookout for destructive behaviors. Traumatic loss can lead some people into depression, alcohol or drug abuse. We may need you to keep an eye on us while things are especially tough. Help us find humorous diversion. Laughter is good medicine. Be willing to do difficult things with us. We may need someone to sit with us in court; we may need a safe place to rage; we may need help with the funeral or afterwards. There may be some hard times ahead and facing them alone can be terrifying. Help us find ways to bring good things out of the bad. It is important that our loved one be remembered and memorialized. Find out about grief. Read some of the books that are available. The more you know, the better able you will be to help us. Help us to find support and inspiration. Often, a poem or song will speak to us in ways that no one else can. Also, talking to someone who has survived a similar loss can help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief. We have to go through this valley in order to get to the other side. Dealing with grief cannot be avoided or postponed. Grief can make relationships difficult and you may get frustrated with us or feel uneasy around us. But please remember that now, more than ever, we need the caring and patient support of our friends and family. Help us get through this as well as we are able. Your true friendship and companionship, your kindness and patience can help us get our lives back together. We will experience some level of grief over our loved one's loss for the rest of our lives. Some days will simply be better than others. One day, we hope to reach a point where our good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major milestone for us. Thank you for being here for us.

Ann, The worst one for me was similar to yours: "He's your 'ex' so why are you so upset?" I heard this when I was so upset because I had just spent the weekend un-packing all of his boxes from his apartment when he lived less than a mile from where I live now. You don't expect to be doing this when you're 27 years old!!

Chrissy!! Congratulations!!! I am so excited for you!! That's so wonderful that your little baby Jason looks like his daddy. I'm sure Jason was with you on Tuesday helping you two along. Congrats and many hugs. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. Love, Kelly

I am not exaggerating at all. I have felt better this past week than I have in the last three months, and that is because of everyone of you. I am so thankful that I found out about this site. I don't know where I'd be without it. I feel like I have found a whole new group of friends and family, who accept me the way I am, in spite of my problems! Kim, I absolutely agree with so much of your post! I found this site at almost 3 months and felt the same way. It is wonderful!! It's how I have survived (I'm almost at 7 months). Welcome to our family. Kelly