kellymarie

Marie, I know that guilty feeling when you start to enjoy something about life and then realize that our loved one is gone. There were times when I started to feel those moments of happiness come through and it would actually make me cry. But slowly slowly slowly (it's a trend!), I felt less guilty about being happy. It's a difficult transition but it sounds like watching America's funniest home videos is a great way to bring laughter into your home. And you never have to "let go," it's just that the relationship changes. It's a different relationship. Hugs, Kelly

Roslyn, What a beautiful tribute to your son. I am so very sorry to hear about your Matthew. I lost my recent ex-boyfriend over 6 months ago; he was 27 years old. Throughout this horrible experience, Josh's mom has been such a wonderful support to me. We talk regularly and it has helped us both so much. We have gone through many experiences that we both completely understand the other. I hope that maybe you and Betty will be able to help each other through this horrible experience. Again I am so sorry to hear about your Matthew. Hugs, Kelly

When do you get that ray of hope to just want to laugh a little bit? Trudy, It took me a long time, atleast a few months. But something that helped me a great deal was some advice from Maylissa. She said (probably more eloquently than I'm reproducing here...) that a place to start is to find the smallest moments of happiness, like if even for a few moments. Thinking of being happy for even 5 minutes seemed overwhelming in the beginning. But if you can find joy if for even for 30 secs, it's a start! So I allowed myself this and slowly slowly slowly these times of happiness (or just not misery) became longer. I remember one of these first times I let myself be happy was when I was eating some really yummy chocolate ice cream. So start small... Hope that helps, Kelly

I just want to mention that I absolutely agree that there is no returning to "normal." I struggled with this for awhile, the first handful of months. Eventually, as others have mentioned, you realize you will never return to "normal." We find a new normal. I just wish that someone told me early on that you will never go back to "normal" and that it's completely okay to let go of this idea. I am so sorry you have all found us but welcome to the most loving, understanding family you could ask for.

Benita, I remember thinking that the first few days would be the worst and if I could survive them then it would get better. Unfortunately, it seems, that is does get worse. So I think what you mentioned is completely "normal." Once the shock wears off, it did seem worse for me. As for driving to visit friends and family, I, at about 4 months or so, decided to make a trip to visit family. I was SO SO scared to spend those hours alone in my car. And it was scary. I was so scared I packed my car up with photo albums of my Josh, filled the CD player with our CDs, and cried about half of the drive. But spending time with my family was really good. And after making it there and back, I was very proud of myself for overcoming this hurdle. So if you can muster the courage to make the trip to visit, I think it may be a good idea. I'm sorry you had to find us all but we are all here for you on your journey. Hugs, Kelly

It is amazing how much this experience has changed us. I would have never wanted something so horrible to happen in my life at such a "young" age. But I never want to go back either. It's strange. You never, ever would want this to happen to you; you would never wish this on your worst enemy. Yet we seem to agree that we wouldn't change things. We would never change the love we experienced eventhough we have suffered so. Chrissy, I agree also with what you said: It also makes you realize what is really important in this world and what is trivial. Spending time with friends my age who have not experienced such a loss, things seem so "important" to them. Yet to me, their issues seem so trivial. But not in a mean way that I say this. It's just now so simple to me. Losing a loved one really instills a new outlook on life. One we all wouldn't change. Lots of hugs to everyone, Kelly

I absolutely agree with everyone here about 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Derek, it's funny you posted this comment. Either on Tues or Weds this week I was driving in my car and realized with clarity that, despite the horrible misery of the past 6 months, I absolutely would have chosen to love and lost than never to have loved at all. This experience has changed me in ways that I would never want to go back to the old me. So much wisdom and understanding comes with such an experience.

When you lose someone you love, your soul moves to another “place.” This “place” is shared only by others who have also lost someone they love. You know they’re “there” by the look in their eyes when they tell you how sorry they are for your loss. They have traveled the “journey” you’re about to travel and know the emptiness you feel. This “place” is where your life seems to stand still for a while. You are still physically here, yet you sense you’re just not “here” right now. To the observer, your life is carrying on. Insides, however, those who have been “there” know you’re still on a journey for a time. You think it must be time for you to “come back” now, and for short periods you do. Then some thing, some place, some song sends you on “journey” again. Those who have been “there” can journey with you for a time if you let them. Company on a journey is sometimes helpful, and sometimes you must journey alone. The road on your journey has been much traveled. There are hills to climb, corners to go around and potholes to get through. Flat tires to repair, and tanks gone empty that need refilling. Most welcomed on the journey are the straight stretches. They allow you to coast easily and build up again to approach the next hill with a bit more ease. As time goes on, the hills become smaller, and the road on your journey does lead you “home” again. At first for short periods of time, and eventually for much longer times. It is a different “home” now and a different “you” now. You will have traveled far and experienced much, and your eyes… your eyes will speak of your journey. You’ll be ready then to guide another, look in their eyes and say, “I am so sorry for your loss.” Barb Kerr From Chicken Soup for a Grieving Soul

Hi Jenn, It does seem like, atleast for the few months that I have been here, that the activity here ebbs and flows a bit. But I think we are all still here, checking in, reading, etc. It's nice to know everyone is still here just in case of a crisis! Sometimes I guess we get quiet in our grief process and reflect. Other times I just felt so awful I couldn't manage to type how I felt. I think we'll all really need alot of support from each other over the next handful of months; I'm already getting a little fearful of the holidays. I'm starting to think of new ideas of how to handle the holidays because everything from my old life doesn't seem right anymore. Anyways, here's a big hug to you!!! Kelly Chrissy, Wow, I can't believe it's almost time for your little Jason to join us! On my recent trip to visit my family and Josh's family and friends, I was able to see Josh's friends that are pregnant with their new little Josh. They're not due until Novemeber eventhough she looks so pregnant! I can't wait to meet their little Josh too! And big hug to you too! Kelly

Lori, I too have been having a hard time lately seeing things change around me and it just doesn't seem right. It seems like time should have stopped the day our loved one died. I mostly notice time moving forward with plants and seasons. I first noticed it when the orange marigolds I planted for Josh in spring started dying at the end of summer. Then the orchid display at the gardens that reminded me of Josh and the orchid he gave me changed as the orchids died. Then seeing the fall leaves and pumpkins out; Josh loved fall and Halloween. It doesn't seem right and it's a reminder that times keeps moving even if we're not ready for it too! Kelly

Marty and Shell, Thank you both so much! I love this family. Kelly

Hi all! Just a quick hello... I missed you all while I was on vacation!! It's strange to be gone from this site for so long!! I thought I would share my vacation story. I planned a vacation last week for a couple of reasons: Tuesday was the 6 month anniversary of Josh's death, this week last year Josh and I were on vacation together in France and Switzerland, and I didn't want to be at work for all of that. I spent the week visiting my family, going to Maine with my cousins, and visiting Josh's mom and his friends. Although Tuesday was not the best day, being away from my normal routine (exploring Acadia National Park with my cousins!) made this otherwise very tough date so much more bearable! I am so very glad I planned this trip during this time. I highly recommend being out of your normal routine during tough dates. It was great seeing Josh's mom and friends. The hardest part was sleeping in Josh's old bedroom. The only and last time I had spent the night there was the weekend Josh brought me home to meet his family for the first time. We were so in love then; I remember one night in his bedroom him telling me how I would never be alone again now that we were together. And there I was, alone in his bedroom. It was very sad; I would have NEVER imagined things would have turned out like this. Visiting the cementary was not as tough as I thought it would be. It just is a reminder that times moves on. Last time I was there, pansies were in bloom. Now there are maroon and orange mums; I guess fall is here. Why does time move forward? It doesn't seem right... The upcoming holidays are looming... As for my mom, I spoke alot about our situation with two of my aunts (my mom's sisters) while I was visiting. It was actually very good insight. They see alot of the problems and it made me feel alot less crazy. I just feel so bad for my mom. Anyways, glad to be back here with everyone! Kelly

Forgiveness sets us free from the power of wrong and hurtfulness. Kay, You wrote than so eloquenly, and it is so powerful. I am going to write than down as a reminder. Thank you for your great insight. Kelly

Thank you guys. It is a bit too much to deal with all at once. Again, this whole situation has my head spinning. Why? (And I thought I had gotten past the "why" stage in greiving.) I would like to think that God put him in my life so that I could help him through this, to put my miserable experience to good use in some way. I guess time will only tell with all of these things. Now I feel bad about telling my mom that I felt she was unsupportive. She said she tried and now feels like she failed as a mother. I clearly told her she did NOT fail as a mother, just that I felt like I couldn't call her when I needed someone to talk to. I did tell her that the majority of people in this world don't know how to react to grieving people. She replied with "yeah, you are intense." Thanks, mom. Way to make me think it's me that's nuts, not just that non-grievers don't understand grievers. It's a catch 22 with her. I don't know what to do. I tried to say that Linda just listens to me and I just listen to her. It's that simple. But now I feel guilty for telling my mom that because I'm afraid she'll think I think Josh's mom is a better mom than her. My mom has some irrational thought patterns. And my mom STILL won't just call me to say "hi" and "how are you" eventhough I told her that's all I need. arrrggggghhhhhhh...... I am looking forward to spending time with Josh's mom. I just know that certain things will be hard, such as going to the cemetary. She goes everyday and I know how important it is to her that I go with her when I'm there visiting. (I've been up 3 times since Josh died). I do want to go; I can't imagine going all that way and not going to the cemetary. It's just emotional. It also brings back memories of the random girl acting crazy at the funeral like she was his girlfriend... but whatever.... I have new memories now, going there with Josh's mom. It looked different from the funeral since the funeral was in the end of winter and the last time I went it was spring. So now, new memories, new seasons, new Kelly. I'm still sad about the orchids dying. Derek, You know it's funny. I was never a religious person. After Josh died, I just decided to go to church with a good friend of mine. I find it all interesting, still thinking about it all. But after reading many of your posts and others about praying, I've decided to try it out. I like it. Last night, two different things came to me while I was attempting the whole praying thing. One, send a card to my mom telling her that she is very important to me and that I love her. Two, start writing in my gratitude journal again (everyday you write down 5 things you are grateful for, even if all you can say is I have my health, home, etc.). So thank you for being here as an example. Also, in another one of your posts you mentioned you never thought you would consider an online group as your friends and family. I feel the same way. And I am SO SO grateful to have you all and to consider you as my family. Wow, that was much longer then expected. Guess I had something on my mind? xoxo, Kelly

Thanks for your message, Shell. It really helped me put the whole situation into a more positive light. I know what you mean about your friend. It seems like we should be so understanding during a difficult time, yet everyone deals with grief so differently it's hard to know what to do. I thought your and other's advice on "Help us help you" thread was very helpful. Unfortunately, this has just set off a whole other grief "spiral." Yesterday and today I've had really bad days, crying all the time (at work), just back to that yucky messy feeling. I can't help but think that this must have all happened for a reason. But I just feel so crappy all over again. I went to the gardens to find the orchids that reminded me of Josh, and the exhibit had changed. Only 3 white orchids remained and a bunch of new orchids were added. It just reminded me that times moves on, things die, and there's nothing we can do to stop it all. It makes me feel so out of control and hopeless. This upcoming Tuesday will be 6 months since Josh's death. I knew I couldn't be at work so I took vacation time. I am going to visit my family and Josh's mom. I will spend one night over at their house, probably in Josh's old room. Then tonight I brought up old issues with my mom (about how she was not supportive during the early months) and it crashed and burned. Our relationship may never be what I want it to be. I just really felt the need to talk to my mom since this guy's mom just died and he'll never be able to talk to her again. Just another bad day. Just needed to dump. Thanks for listening everyone.

Derek, I fear I have no comforting words of my own other than I have seen a strength in you and have faith that you will make it through. Your post reminded me of this saying by C.S. Lewis Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened up again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare reality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? This is from Martha Hickman's Healing after Loss: It comes without warning, the feeling of being plunged back into the freshness of new grief-the same bewilderment, the feeling of being disoriented, our life disorganized. Often we don't know just what has set us off again. And we thought we were doing better! The loved one we have lost has probably been with us for a very long time, perhaps all of our life- as when a parent has died. It is going to take us a long time to adapt to that loss. It won't happen smoothly, either, in some sort of gradual uphill climb out of the valley of despair. It's more like the work of clearing a rock-strewn New England field. With great labor the rocks are removed, but then the land shifts, the seasons change, and new rocks work their way to the surface. Eventually the land will be cleared, but it may take a long time! I will be gentle with myself, accepting these storms of the psyche as part of my passage on the road to recovery. Derek, Dare I may suggest that you are right... you are on a spiral. You may be looking down into the spiral but maybe you are actually headed out? I'm sorry you are having a rough night. Here's a huge hug. oxox, Kelly One of my dear friend's twin sister is a nun. She told me this after Josh died and it has helped. Life is a huge tapestry woven by God. We can only see the underside but there is a beautiful side we have yet to see.

Hi all, So something very wierd has happened. Two weeks ago I met someone new. Well, he just sent me a message a couple of hours ago saying that he was sorry to drop this on me, but his mom just passed and he would be out of the loop for awhile! Gosh, I'm just so shocked. I was really upset when he first sent the message. It brought back so many memories of when Josh first died. I actually cried at work (it's been months now since I've cried at work). I feel like I have really really really bad karma or whatever. Dating me is BAD news. You think I would know what to do having just lost Josh. But I don't. Thanks, Kelly

Erika, I am sorry to hear about your Matt. As Derek mentioned, there are other people, unbelieveably, on this site with somewhat similar situations, as I am one of them. I was 26 when Josh died, I turned 27 two days after the funeral. My Joshua, who was 27, died on March 5 when a young, reckless driver crossed the median and hit him directly. We had broken up Dec 3 after dating for about a year. We had a bad bad breakup, Josh said and did many ugly things, and I refused to speak to him the last 2 months of his life. He would call, email, and text me telling me how much he still loved me and how "sad and tragic" it was how things had turned out. We, too, had felt that we were soulmates, but the reality and practical issues in life would say otherwise. I have spent the almost last 6 months dealing with many guilt issues, learning how to deal with the fact that someone I thought was my soulmate is dead, learning how to cope with the fact that Josh had done some really crappy stuff that I learned during the wake and funeral, etc. I too know from Josh's friends and family that he still loved me and was upset about our situation. The night before he died he spoke to his mom about all of this. All of this is to say, although grief is a horribly lonely process, you are not completely alone. The wonderful people on this site helped my through my darkest months of my life. It is a long and painful process, I think best described as a spiral, phases repeat themselves after you thought you had passed through. I think what helped me survive was this site, finding a few friends that are willing to listen, reading books on grief, and writing a grief journal. Also, Josh's mom has helped me so very much. We both call each other when we're having tough times because we understand exactly. I'm going to visit her next week (we live very far apart). I took next week off from work because it will be 6 months on Sept 5 since Josh died and I felt like I needed to be away during this tough time. Again, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation but I am very glad you have found us. We will be here for you whenever you need to tell you story, etc. Also, read through some old posts. I remembering getting some great advice during the time I was torn that my soulmate was dead ("where does this leave me???" I kept asking...) Many hugs, Kelly

KayC, I wholeheartedly feel this way... "I decided it's okay to love George or be mad at him, depending on how I'm feeling, for he was a complex person with a complex background and thus my feelings are going to be complex as well." It's just so hard to swing the whole array of emotions. One moment remembering the wonderful love and the next a hurtful painful memory. I go through this sometimes throughout the same day. I mean, I wrote about my wonderful experience feeling Josh with me on the whitewater rafting trip to remembering the hurtful things he did when I heard about your experience. It's so complicated!!! As if grief wasn't enough... It sounds like you are doing the right things too. You're allowing yourself to have all the emotions, not hiding from anything. You're confronting it all. I think that is the only way to get through it. You haven't "stooped" to this other person's level either. You know what's right and you're sticking to it. I think it's also great that you've decided to take control of your life, doing things to feel good about yourself. You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you many hugs. Kelly

My sister just told me maybe this would make me over him What I want to say to your sister is that this whole ordeal makes it HARDER not easier!!!!! People thought I wouldn't be so upset that Josh died because of all of our issues. Wrong!! Our issues have complicated the whole grief process. I, too, try to remember that as "messed up" as Josh was he did love me. I'm finally coming to the conclusion that I am sorry for Josh; he did have so many issues. I, too, kind of feel bad for the girl he was driving to see when he died; she thought there was so much more there than everyone else in Josh's life knew about. And I definately agree about the part about not letting this affect our trust in future relationships. I have promised myself to continue trusting people. Also, I try to remember the saying "Love like you've never been hurt before." It's hard but it's the healthiest way I can see.

KayC, I just wanted to write a quick note to say what an awful experience! The pain so unnecessary. If you check my post entitled "Anger" under General Loss, I'm actually referring to being mad at Josh for something along the lines of what you're now experiencing. In Dec, I broke up with Josh for some very good reasons. In Jan, he wrote an angry e-mail telling me three different things he had done that where huge betrayals. From that moment forward, I refused to speak to him. He died March 5. At the wake and funeral, a girl he was driving to see when he was killed showed up and acted like the widowed girlfriend. I had never even heard of her. Very few of his friends knew who she was. Apparently, he met her while we where together and kept in touch with her completely unbeknownst to me. He had seen her twice while we together (she lived in another state, Josh traveled alot) and was on his way to see her for the third time. Besides the things Josh had told me about plus learning about this girl, I have had major issues dealing with these betrayals. For the first 2 months of my grief, this is all I dealt with. However, learning ANYTHING about this girl has only hurt me more. I realized I need to know as little as possible. I have been working on the forgiveness part. My thread about being angry with Josh is related to the fact that he met this girl last year this time. Man, have I been so angry with Josh!!! But I figure, whereever he is know, he must realize what he did that was so wrong. He even came to me in dream saying he realized how wrong he was.(So much for my quick note). So, my advice, however that may be, is to not contact his ex-girlfriend. Nothing she has to say will make you feel better. You only have the potential to be hurt furhter. Be angry at him. It's okay to be mad, furious, etc at people who are dead. This is hard and frustrating. I wouldn't do anything with his ashes or his belongings while you are mad. I wanted to throw anything of Josh's away, but my counselor at the time recommended I wait. Put it all away in a closet or something until the anger resides. Unfortunately, for now, all you can do is feel the anger and pain and work through it all by yourself. George is no longer here for you to work through all this with. But you can do it. Our relationship with them is not over. So we have to work through the issues that remain. I am so sorry to feel your pain. It's so searing to know our loved one betrayed us. As time goes by, I try to remember the bad less and try to remember the good more. But I have relapses. Check my anger thread. I hope this helps. Or you can ignore it all! Either way, I am so sorry you had to hear all of those painful things. Many hugs, Kelly

Yesterday I went white water rafting. I felt somewhat sad about it because Josh and I were supposed to go together last year but it never worked out. So I know he would have liked to have gone, and this was an experience he missed out during life. Towards the end of the trip, after a rain storm, there was steam coming off the mountains. We were in a calm area and everyone was quiet. It was very peaceful. I looked up into the mist/steam high up off the mountains. I noticed the steam was making the shape of a heart. So I stared at it and thought... well, maybe Josh is with me today. As I looked longer at the heart, it transformed into an angel. And not like most images of angels I have seen. It definately looked like a male angel. It was very brief. As I've mentioned before, I was not raised with religion. But I definately felt yesterday that Josh, my angel, was with me.

I thought I'd added some more "random things" to this thread. Since Josh died, I now whistle randomly and talk out loud tons more. Sometimes I wonder what happened to me!! I've also started yelling out loud for random reasons, sometimes at myself, sometimes at Josh, and sometimes to God.

Yes, I agree. I would have some "loss of website" comments!!

Kathy, I had the exact same experience on May 31st (That was just before the 3 month mark for me). I had seen a counselor through work starting 2 days after Josh died (beginning of March) until the end of April. But I had a limited number of sessions through work so I had to find a counselor through my insurance. My couselor through work always made me feel better by the time I left. By the end of April she said she had seen alot of progress, etc. Well, I put off finding a new counselor until the end of May. I told my new counselor my story (with lots of tears), explained how Josh's death had put a rift in my mom's and I relationship, and how Josh's death also got me thinking about my career and that I wasn't happy in the way it was headed. I was also super stressed about work and making changes there (I had to.. it was timing, not by choice). The counselor said little but by the end of the session, I was convinced I was NUTS!! Especially where she emphatically said I should see her every week. I felt awful. I also felt awful because I made a follow-up appt and then decided to cancel. Fortunately, a handful of my friends have or have had counselors and all agreed that if I just didn't click with that counselor then there was no reason for me to force it. If I wasn't going to get anything out of it, why go?? I am so sorry you had this awful experience too!!! Just when you think you're heading in the right direction..... But I knew I still couldn't do this grief thing alone... So I started writing here on this site more, starting going to a Hospice support group, and started talking to Josh's mom on a more regular basis. I was also considering driving farther to go to my friend's counselor but still haven't followed through. Is there any way you can try out a different counselor or get recommendations from someone with similar views on counseling?? Maybe a counselor with experience in grief?? Maybe a support group? Fortunately we have this site!!! And you are doing great!!! You come to this site and share your experiences. (We may not be counselors but we're a support group with a leader, Marty. And support groups are proven to work, right???) You've done research and reading on grieving. It's wonderful that you started an exercise program.. It's so healthy and therapeutic. And reaching out to friends when you just want to withdraw takes a very strong person. You have made progress, you recognize that you're still on your way, and you're making efforts to make sure you deal with your grief appropriately. So I think you deserve a HUGE HUG and a big pat on the back. You are doing a great job!! I'm just sorry you had a yucky experience. It took me a little while to bounce back after my bad experience but I have faith that you can do it too. We're always here for you! Lots of hugs, Kelly