kellymarie

Shell, You know this place and you know you never have to worry about "gotten off to my own thing!" It really does sound like you are overwhelmed with everything... and it seems absolutely normal to react the way you are. It is so hard to be accepting and forgive yourself but I guess you have to try! Shelley, It seems that you too have felt anger during this whole process. It's not a fun emotion but I guess we just have to accept our anger and get it out! As for me, today I'm much less angry. Last night I was mad! I'm still working on why I'm mad. I've decided that I'm going to acknowledge some unhappy memories but I'm not going to let myself dwell on them. I like what Derek said, I'll forgive him when I'm truly ready. About a week ago, Josh came to me in a dream. He told me he regretted some of the things he did that hurt me. He said if he knew then what he knows now, he would have not done these things. I sometimes wonder if dreams are really that person coming to us or just me really wanting to hear that he regretted those things. I told Josh' mom today about this. She's not one to believe in too much spiritual things but she actually seemed to agree that Josh does regret the bad that happened. I don't really know how I feel about it all. But I had dreams earlier after Josh's death where he was rather apologetic and wanted to make "good" with me. I'm definately trying to forgive him but I guess I'm not completely ready. (This is what Josh and I were going through in real life when he died... ) Again, it's hard to be upset with someone who died but I guess I just am. Thanks again for letting me spill my guts out to you all.

Thanks Maylissa. I definately feel they way you said you have felt. It's good for me to see that you let yourself think about and deal with both the good and the bad. I think I have spent so much time remembering the good and afraid to remember the reality, which includes the good and the bad. Like I mentioned, there are some unhappy anniversaries I'm going to have to go through soon. It's going to be tough but I guess I have to recognize them and deal with them. And not pretend they didn't happen. "It's a bittersweet thing and one I may have to always live with, for all I know, but it's honest." I think this is what I am going to have to also learn and keep with me for the rest of my life. Oh... the tides are changing again in my grief... and just when I thought I had a handle... Derek, It is sad when someone dies too young. Josh's mom was mentioning that it's sad she'll never get to be a grandmother. He was an only child. Thank you both sooo much. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight now. I'm so glad to have you all.

Thank you Derek. Sometimes it's just so hard to be mad at someone who had their life drastically cut short. I feel bad for being mad at him but I guess I should just be mad (for now). Thanks again. It's funny how sometimes you just need to hear that "it's okay."

So I want to bring up a topic that it seems like most grieving people avoid. It seems like as soon as someone dies, everyone who knew them glorifies them. I understand; we want to remember the good in that person and why we loved them. But our loved ones where human. They weren't perfect, and things may have been said or done that hurt us. Some of my grieving books even encourage remembering our loved ones as the whole person that they were. When Josh died, we had a lot of unresolved issues. Forgiving him wasn't even on my radar yet. However, since he died, I have been forced to face all of this head on. For the first couple of months, I spent much time going over everything and trying to forgive him. I really thought I had done a great job forgiving him. But now that I'm coming up on some anniversaries of some unhappy memories, I am angry and mad that I was forced to forgive him. I mean, if he hadn't died, I would have worked out the forgiveness thing on my own time. But he died and I was forced to forgive him. Where does being mad at a dead person get you?? Has anyone else had any of these issues? How do you deal with them?? Right now I want to be mad at Josh but does it really get me anywhere? It's certainly not affecting him. And it certainly seems like everyone else grieving only remembers their lost one with love, which almost makes me not want to post this topic. The only person I've been able to talk to about this with is Josh's mom because she knew the side of him that could hurt us both. At the same time, I feel bad talking like this about someone I loved who died too young. It's a huge mess really. Thanks for letting me rant. Kelly

Hi Kathy, It seems that I have been doing this, too, for the past 2 weeks. I just passed five months. And for the first time during this grief thing, I have been pushing away thoughts. And this is new for me. I have alot of things to get done with work so I've been so focused that I make myself stop thinking about Josh and painful memories/thoughts. But this weekend, it kind of creeped back up on me. I wish I hadn't tried to avoid it the past couple of weeks because it seems I'm doing extra crying this weekend. I know that when we're in social or work situations we may have to say "stop thinking about it right now." But not all the time for big blocks of time. I tried it and now it sucks. Atleast that's my perspective on the whole thing. Do you ever wonder how it's possible that you can cry so much???

Brooke, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and that you have to go through this. Sudden deaths in accidents are just so unexpected and crazy, especially since we are so young (I was 26 when Josh died, I turned 27 the day after I flew home from his funeral). Death isn't on our radar at all! Never, ever would I have thought Josh would be dead now. Ever. They also say that Josh died instantly. But no one was there so we don't really know. I do think that's wonderful that you found the strength to travel and visit Trevor's family with your little Tanner. I'm sure that it was so wonderful for them to see Tanner. I do think that Trevor was helping you out, giving you some strength to go through something difficult. I made it through that trip I was talking about, and it some how made me feel a bit empowered because I was able to do it alone. You must have alot of strength to take care of a new baby and having just lost your love. I am so sorry you have had such a loss. But I am glad you found this website. It is how I survived those early months. I could not have done it alone. I'm now at 5 months and, amazingly, doing better. I still cry, still have upsetting thoughts, but it nothing like the horrible beginning. Although you may feel horribly alone, know that you have just found a new "family" that is here for you whenever you need us. Kelly

Lori, I am so sorry to hear what an awful experience you are going through right now. You have enough to deal with without added stress!! I know it's horrible what people can say and how they think you should be dealing with your grief. HA! They have no clue! It's sad to say that I went through a really rough time with my mom after Josh's death. Four weeks after Josh's death, I went though all of Josh's boxes from his apartment when he lived a mile from me. Everything was at his parent's house in another state. So I was in the airport leaving after going through Josh's life with me and I cried in the airport. My mom was with me and actually told me she was embarassed of me. So I have realized that I have to be fake happy around her too. And I thought she was the one who would help me through the grief process. I felt like I had to grieve the loss of my mom too. As for the person at work, they have NO CLUE! I had to learn to not talk about my grief with certain of my co-workers too. Man, grief is tough enough and then you have all these people making it harder! That's when I found this site. We understand how you feel. 5 weeks is so early! You can cry all you want, whenever you want! You can come here and rant all you want about all the stupid things people say to you. Sadly, we understand. On a positive note, I am so glad you have your husband being your advocate! Well, we're always here to listen. Kelly

Hi Derek, Sorry to hear about all the things on your plate. Since it's just me, I have alot less to deal with but this month is super busy with me too. Last week I got totally freaked out with the amount of things I have to accomplish over the next month too. Part of my problem, too, especially with work, is that since Josh died in March, I have put so many things on "hold." And it seems like "hold" doesn't last forever. So I'm having to face things that I can't put off any longer. So this past weekend I was trying to catch up and Saturday was the 5th month since Josh died. So I spent the day trying to work and stopping to cry. And part of what I'm doing is getting ready for the next step in my career, and I keep thinking that it seems so awful/wierd/just not right that I'm going ahead with my life and Josh is dead. I'm feeling overwhelmed too and having alot of anxiety. This is new for me in the grief department. I was having a hard time falling asleep because all the stuff I have to do is running through my mind. So what I did the other night, right before bed, is to make a HUGE list of everything I need to do over this month. That way I wasn't afraid to fall asleep and forget something. And I know this may sound cliche, but try to remember it really is just one day at a time. That's how I do it. If I wake up and feel overwhelmed, I just tell myself all I have to do is make it to the end of today. That's it. Just today. And if it doesn't go well, oh well... I'll try again tomorrow. I hope this helps if in the tiniest way. But I know that crazy overwhelming feeling like life is catching up with us for being checked out for the past months since our Josh and Karen left us.

Dear Joshua, Did you know that today marks the fifth month since you left us? I miss you so much!! Today I'm remembering you by my favorite song for you. Remember how you used to listen to this song to calm you down when you would take off or land on planes because it made you so nervous? Well, I hope you can hear these words today and they bring you the same peace. With much love, Your little one Why biinny gone?? Every time I look at you the world just melts away All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together You're the one true thing I know I can believe in You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me You're the one true thing I know I can believe I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together You're the one true thing I know I can believe in You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me You're the one true thing I know I can believe Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together You're the one true thing I know I can believe in You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me You're the one true thing I know I can believe Sarah McLachlan Push

Paul, Thanks for the little laugh. I needed it. I've been so overwhelmed with work/career that reading that book does sound relaxing! Yikes! Kelly

Thank you all for your replies. I have read Companion through Darkness and really liked it. Maybe I should read it again, a good weekend activity.

Chrissy, Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem. It's nice to hear how you've been doing. I think it's so wonderful that Jason was able to tell you all of this. I will try to remember this also when "tomorrow starts...." Kelly

hhhmmmmm.... I wish I knew how to relax. I do see what you mean about the first few months, not addressing everything that needs to be addressed. I was in shock for the first 3 months. It was very clear when I came out of shock. So now I have much to address. I guess this will take some time... I guess I was just naive about this whole experience of love, loss, death, and grief. I figured that I'll just do my "work" now and I'll be "all better" in the future. That I'll eventually only smile when I think about Josh instead of only cry. (I'm so used of life this way, as with my career; do all the work now so that in the future I'll be "set.") I figured that I wouldn't have "grieving moments" if I did all my grieving now. I know I am a new person now, slowing re-building me, incorporating this experience and the new outlook it has cast on my entire life. But this topic and your explaination has made me realize that love, loss, death, and grief is not so simple as the analogy to my career. I guess I know this deep down but didn't really realize it. I guess it's better to figure this out now than in a year when I have a "grieving moment" when I thought I was "all better." I guess it's better to remove unrealistic expectations now so I'm not doomed for failure. What also made me think about this is a story a friend relayed last night. He told me that his mom had lost a boyfriend at the age of 16 in a car accident. She has been married twice, divorced twice, has a successful career, but this experience is still with her today. I just don't think I realized the gravity and effect of loving and losing Josh will have on my life. I've come to accept that I'm a whole new person, and I like me a whole lot better now. But I just didn't realize the full extent, and I guess I still don't know. Maybe at the end of my life (or after) will be when I fully understand how Josh has impacted my life.

Thanks, Derek. I'm just feeling so tired and overwhelmed, and then thinking that I may have to re-grieve in the future.... I must say I'm impressed with how positive your outlook is on our future; that we can live a happy life again. I can remember when you joined this site, just a few days after me, and I can really tell how much progress you have made. It's reassuring. Kelly Sorry to everyone else if I've gone off on a tanget of the original intent of this conversation...

Hi Paul and Shell, I've been meaning to write back but my life has been a disaster this past week. But this whole concept is new to me. I was raised with the complete absence of religion in my life. I was just taught things like kindness, acceptance, honesty, humility... I never was brought to church, never took a religion class in college, etc. As a small child I was able to tell that my being was separate from my physical being, so I've always believed in souls. However, "communion of saints" is a new concept to me. I find it interesting that I have found this peaceful, quiet feeling as a result of Josh's death, and that religions have some of concept of this. I do know that I like the concept of our "center of being" and "point of rest." It makes me what to go there and find Josh.

Gosh, this all makes me a bit scared. Saturday will be 5 months since Josh died, and I have been determined to grieve how ever the best way it is to grieve. I'm scared that if I don't deal with it now, I will have "issues" "baggage" down the road in future relationships. But from that article that Marty posted, it sounds like even if you have done your grief work "right" at the time, it may still come up again in the future. It mentioned that feelings may come up that are quite painful and you may have to re-grieve. I just have to say if I have to go through what I've experienced over the last five months AGAIN, I think I'd lose it!!! The thought of this, especially since I feel so young and feel like I have a tons of years of life ahead of me, is SO overwhelming. I'm going to have to deal with Josh's death and painful emotions for the REST OF MY LIFE?????? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I didn't ask for this and I don't want it!

I was doing my daily reading from Healing after Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman, and today's topic seemed to be getting at what we've been talking about. (This book has helped me so much!) "In the point of rest at the center of our being, we encounter a world where all things are at rest in the same way. Then a tree becomes a mystery, a cloud a revelation, each man a cosmos of whose riches we can only catch glimpses. The life of simplicity is simple, but it opens to us a book in which we never get beyond the first syllable. Dag Hammarskjold" "Simplicity is not the tenor of life for most of us. We rush around tending to work, to household, to family and friends. But there are times, particularly after we have been through some pivotal experience-like the death of a loved one-when we are conscious of "the point of rest at the center of our being." "Whom do we meet there? The Christian tradition speaks of "the communion of saints," by which is meant not only those who have lived unblemished lives (a very small gathering!), but all who have lived and died-or are living now-and even the souls of the yet unborn." "Each of us has his or her own chosen community of love, and we may find some healing, some rest, if in quiet interludes we can settle into that "center of our being" and call to us the spirits of our loved ones." So this quietness and peacefulness we are describing, do you think it's our "center of being," our "point of rest" where we can met the spirits of our loved one? (Thanks for the nice comments about our picture. Joshy's so cute!)

I really like that idea a lot. Part of my soul is somewhere else with Josh, imparting a peaceful, calming influence on my life. And part of Josh is here with me, loving me just as ever, I can love him, and hopefully, through this connection, he can feel my love. They say a relationship never ends with a death, it just changes. I guess I'm learning to accept our new relationship. [attachmentid=42] Shell, Maybe you can fill all the holes of your "swiss cheese" heart with little bits of your loved ones that have left this world. I think they made already be with you imparting that peaceful, calming feeling. I intially pictured my heart being torn to shreds (I actually am in the middle of an art project where I have torn a picture of the heart into tiny shreds). I still haven't decided yet what to do with all these shreds. Hopefully someday I can piece it back together and create something new and beautiful. xoxoxo, Kelly (My Gramma used to always sign her cards xoxoxo. )

Wow everyone! It's so wonderful to have you all here. I really like the way Shell put it... I feel calmer and more peaceful. It just seems "right" somehow that we have slowed down. I can't even explain it. Today I was wondering if a little bit of our soul went with our loved ones, and that is why we have this peacefulness about us. And, Kathy, I think you might be right about the sleeping problem. I had been very stressed about going away last weekend. I wasn't sure if I should go or not; it was a big "first" without Josh. I decided last minute to go on the trip; Josh's mom was my advocate. She had to do something similar the weekend before. She said the driving alone was the tough part but she was glad once she was there. So that's what I did too. And I am glad I went, loads of crying in the car but "okay" once I was there. This week I won't be getting sleep because of work but hopefully after this week, I can sleep again. I hadn't realized how stressed I was about that trip! Being scared was preventing me from making a decision and affecting my sleep! Again, it is so wonderful to have you all here. What would we do without this site? hugs and kisses

Has anyone noticed that going through loss and grief has made you slower? I've noticed that I walk slower and talk slower/less/quieter. I feel calmer and slower. I'm less talkative and outgoing in a group of people. I just feel like my whole world is on a slower pace now. I like it better; it's more calming this way. It's just very noticeably different. I'm very very happy to report that yesterday what I've been hoping to happen for the past 5 months happened! I keep saying that I can't wait for the time when my memories with Josh make me smile instead of cry. Well, yesterday I was listening to a song from Josh and it made me happy!! (Then I cried because I was finally happy about a Josh memory but anyways....) It only took less than 5 months! And tonight I was able to be happy about something in my life and not feel guilty for being happy. (I think this all came about because this weekend I confronted a big "first" without Josh that I was very scared of. And I did it; I survived. I cried a lot but I did it.) On the other hand, I've been having trouble sleeping the past 2 weeks. The first month, sleep was complete crap. But after that, I was sleeping just fine. But for the past 2 weeks, I've been having a hard time falling asleep and then I wake up throughout the night. I thought I was over this, and I actually thought I was feeling better in my grief process. Why the trouble with sleeping then?

Lorikelly, I am sorry to hear about your loss and all the complicated issues with your family. Guilt is a very tricky thing with grieving. It definitely cannot be ignored, and it's great that you're here telling your story and confronting your guilt. I think that's a wonderful start to working through your guilt; admitting it's there and being willing to talk about it. I say this because I, too, am working through guilt issues but tried to pretend for the first couple of months that I was “guilt-free.” So I can’t say I’m any good at dealing with guilt. But now that I’ve admitted there are some guilt issues there, I am trying to remember all the situations and how I dealt with them. You say that you had to make a decision to “STOP THEM FROM COMING TO OUR HOUSE B/C OF ALL THE PROBLEMS THEY CAUSED.” I had to make some decisions while Josh was alive that now I have some guilt about. But what I am trying to do is honestly think back to that time when I made those decisions. I was doing what I honestly felt was the best thing to do. Grief clouds and distorts our thinking about past decisions. But try to remember back when you made that decision. It sounds like you only had the absolute best of intentions. It sounds like you were protecting your husband and children from undue harm and additional issues. I am trying to remember that I was making the best decision at the time and with the best of intentions. We’re human and we do the best that we can. Going through these past decisions makes me realize (just yesterday I realized this) how important it is in life do always do exactly what you think is the best decision/plan of action when confronted with an issue, so that you will have no regrets in the future. That’s the best we can do. And from what you have said, it sounds like you did what was the best thing you could do in a bad situation. You were protecting your family, and that is very honorable and loving. It sounds like you prevented bad experiences from happening in your children’s lives. I know it’s so hard but try to be very kind to yourself. I’m not sure if that helps at all but keep telling your stories. I think that helps lessen the guilt. Get it out! Kelly

Chrissy, I am so glad that you were able to get the book and that it helped release those tears. I think it's okay to ask those questions, to talk to Jason and ask him everything you are wondering. I've been asking some questions over and over and over. I think it's part of the process. Slowly, I've stopped asking some of my questions but I never ignored them. Right now I keep asking Josh (often out loud), "Did you know that you died?" because I'm having a hard time believing it's real. Kelly

Chrissy, When I read your story, it absolutely broke my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am so sorry that your wedding aniversary is coming up so soon, too much too deal with in such a short time. I just wanted to mention a great book I have read Companion through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief by Stephanie Ericsson. I think it's one of the few books that grasps at the intense grief at the beginning. The author was 2 and a half months pregnant when her husband died; I thought of this book when I hear about what you are going through. Again, I am so sorry for your loss but we are here to listen whenever you need us. Kelly

Hi everyone, It's funny that Shell brought this topic up again today because (before I read this topic) at work someone asked me "How are you?" I actually replied "good." I almost shocked myself because my typical response over the past almost five months has been "hanging in there" "okay" "fine" etc. This made me realize that I must have made some progress over the last months of pain and suffering. But it also made me realize that they are definately people in my life that don't really need/want to know how I'm really doing. And that when some people ask "How are you?," all they really mean is "hi" and aren't really asking how you are feeling. So it's important to distinguish between the "How are you?" ("hi") and "How are you?" (how's the grieving going?) before you answer the question. And I definately agree that as time goes on, grief does become more of a private thing. This weekend I was around a group of new people (friends of my dad's), and I never mentioned what hell my life has been over the past 5 months. It just didn't seem appropriate, it was just a social situation where everyone wanted to have fun and the conversation was generally lighthearted. So I do think this was more a matter of manners and not a mask, because I was able to talk to one person in the group who had known Josh. When we where away from the group, we talked about Josh and my whole grieving process. (And the only reason she could talk to me about Josh is because she was widowed 12 years ago. My dad and sister never asked "How are you? (how's the grieving going?) and it's the first time they have seen me in person since Josh died. I digress. )

Gabrielle, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. When I first found this site in May, I felt like I was the only one to lose a boyfriend. But sadly, as the months pass, it seems more of us keep showing up here. I also felt like I was the only person my age (27 years old) to lose someone so dear. But also there are many of us here too young to experience such a loss and such pain. And to hear that you lost your boyfriend only a month ago sounds so very painful. I'm at 4 and half months, and I remember one month still being in shock with dreadful raw pain. I was in a fog; reality wasn't reality. It's so strange to feel so young with your future drastically changed. I would have never imagined this is how my life would be at this point. This weekend I am planning to visit family at a cabin in the mountains. I am glad to see my family but I am also scared because the last time I went, Josh was alive, in my life, and we were so in love. On the way up to the cabin, I stopped at the store to pick up some light reading material. I picked up two wedding magazines, something like Modern Bride, and spent the weekend thinking about what type of engagement ring I would like, where we should have our wedding, what types of dresses and bridesmaid dresses I might like, and on and on. Josh thought this was so cute; we were so excited. But this year, I'll be driving alone and will try not to cry the whole way there and back. Maybe some crying but I don't want to get into an accident; Josh died on the highway when someone hit him directly. Anyways, I am so sorry you have experienced such a painful loss of your love but I am glad you have found this site. There are many wonderful people here to share with and who really understand what you are going through. Kelly Oh, also, something I learned by talking to other people on this site, you never have to stop loving your boyfriend and he will never stop loving you. KayC wrote it so beautifully here to me: "You are so young to have to go through this...don't even try to compare your loss to someone who has lived their life with their mate though, your loss is just as great to you, none of us can compare, we all experience our losses and each one is paramount in our own hearts. Love at first sight is a "start" but it is consideration and respect and little kindnesses and grace that grows love into something truly powerful and worthwhile...and those are things built with effort...although some people are so easy to love it seems effortless to love them. Perhaps someday you will build a life with someone and have a family...right now it's too hard to think of...there are seasons in life. But if that happens, don't try to compare that person to Josh or expect him to be at all like him...what you had with Josh is gone forever...until you meet at last again, but if you build something with someone else at some point in your life, it must be uniquely yours and his and you must start from scratch and remember to apply that effort. You will always carry you and Josh's love in your heart and for the rest of your life you will carry with you the remembrance that you are loved...I say "are" not "were" because I don't believe it diminishes when they die, but rather we are no longer able to see each other face to face and tell each other, but it is still there, it is in our hearts, in our faith, in our hope, in our memories, and it is forever and it can never be robbed from us, no matter what. Try not to worry about your future, it is natural to wonder, but it will take care of itself in due time, please believe that. Right now it is hard to imagine and that's because this is all so fresh, so intense, so hard. Just be very very kind to yourself and so full of grace, that is what Josh would want for you. Each of us who have loved so deeply must be very thankful that we have had this and cherish it in our hearts for safekeeping." Thanks Kay, that has meant so much to me!!