kellymarie

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. It makes such a difference "talk" to you all who get "it" (sadly...) versus those who just don't. But as much as I know I've made so much progress, I'm still walking on a fine line between being "okay" and not okay, and it's really easy to push me over.

Here's one I bought recently: Listen closely to the winds, and hear the gentle whisper of an angel's wings in flight. Look far into the sky and see the shimmering stardust left behind... Close your eyes, clear your thoughts, and feel the love of your very own, very real, guardian angel.

This should be under the topic "Really Bizarre Bereavement Behaviors." Every time I'm in a store that sells cards, I always find myself reading sympathy cards. This has been going on for a year!! I just sort of am drawn over and start reading. I have a small collection now at home. yikes...

So I was really proud of myself... I started getting myself out of the paralyzed rut, and started making some plans for "the day." So I was sharing my plans over dinner with two girlfriends tonight. One girl has been through it all with me and was being very supportive, even adding ideas and asking how she could be involved. The other girl was living away for a year, part of the time before and after Josh's death. She started asking me lots of questions about the whole grief process which I thought was nice because most people are scared to talk about it. But after awhile, I realized she was asking all these questions because she was trying to figure out why this was "still a big deal" for me. It just hurt; I mean, really, I'm not supposed to find the one year anniversary of his death hard?? I know it's just that she has no idea what it's like on "this side." It just stings when you think you're making forward progress...

Lori, Thank you for sharing. You have a beautiful way of looking at life. Kelly

Thank you everyone. It is comforting to think of Josh in a place more loving than I can imagine.

You all here feel like my family on my grief journey. Sometimes we travel together, sometimes we travel alone, but we can always come back when we need a friendly voice. I just feel like I need to not be alone right now on my journey. Today is 2 weeks until March 5th, the day Josh died one year ago. This month has been tough but it's getting harder. Many of the pains of early grief are coming back. I'm having trouble sleeping again, crying at the grocery store at his favorite foods, crying on the way to and home from work, indecisivness, and just overwhelming sadness. I've been called for jury duty on Feb 28th, and I'm scared I'll get selected and have to be in court on March 5th. Right now, the courts just remind me that the hearings have started for the kid who killed Josh. I just can't be there on the 5th. I know I need to come up with a plan for the 5th but I'm almost paralyzed with fear that I can't decide what I want to do. I'm planning to call "in sick" to work, a true mental health day. I just am filled with sadness and fear without the motivation to pick myself up and move ahead. This journey has brought a new realm of spirituality and religion in my life. I've started praying for Josh (I have never prayed before in my life!). For months and months I have been very worried about where Josh's soul has gone. One night when I was praying about it, this overwhelming feeling came over me and my entire body. It's hard to describe but I had the overwhelming sense that God is taking care of Josh; that they are together. It was a message from both of them. Well, I guess the point of my story is that I can't go at it on my own right now. I just wanted to share with you all, and I guess it's time for me to ask God to help me through, too. Thank you all for being here for each other! You are all wonderful souls. With much love, Kelly

Hi Gaby, I'm sorry to hear too that you're having a rough time. I've been pretty sad lately, too. On v-day I found myself crying a lot, and I didn't think it was going to bother me at all. I think it's sad for us because it's another painful remember that the love we had is now gone; well, not the love but the person we loved and loved us back is gone. The first couple of months, I had many dreams, some okay, some very disturbing (like digging up Josh's grave). What I did was write down everything I could remember when I woke up; I kept a journal by my bed and scribbled stuff down in that stupor when you first wake up. It was VERY interesting a couple of months down the road when the dreams eventually stopped; it was like a story of working through the problems Josh and I had to eventually re-doing the wake and funeral. And then the dreams stopped. Sometimes I wish I could dream about Josh again but I'd rather not have the dreams than have the bad ones. So maybe you could make a dream journal too and so eventually you may see the big meaning behind these dreams? Many hugs, Kelly

Dear Bob, I am so very sorry for your loss. My boyfriend died in a car accident on Sunday March 5th, 2006, and we buried him on Saturday March 11th. He was 27 years old. I turned 27 on March 13th, 2 days later. This numbness and shock may last awhile but it is there for a reason. Josh's parents have become so very close to me over this past year so I feel your pain so closely. Keep coming back to this site; there are so many people here that are so caring. There's also an organization called Compassionate Friends for parents who have lost a child. Many hugs, Kelly

Hi Kay, Thank you for your nice message to all of us. Today was a much harder day for me than I anticipated so it was nice to hear a friendly voice. Hugs, Kelly

Derek, March 5th will be one year for me, and I really have no idea what to expect. I'm worried/scared/sad. I'll keep you in my prayers. Kelly

Hi Derek, It is nice to hear from you. I feel similarly, Monday was 11 months for me and I can't believe it either. I've been quiet too but always reading to see how everyone is doing. I have started feeling God's peace on this journey. Thank you for helping me along the way. You are in my prayers too. Kelly

Jane, That is a beautiful story about the young eagle. Signs from our loved ones are so powerful and reassuring. Hugs, Kelly

Dear Jane, Thank you for your note. Josh certainly did live life to the fullest! I think all the time how glad I am he did live life that way and that we did alot of things together when we did, instead of putting them off. A handful of pictures in the video are from a trip we took to France and Switzerland and from another trip to Vermont and Montreal. I keep thinking how glad I am we took those trips eventhough it wasn't that easy financially. Josh's life and sadly death have completely changed my outlook on life. I am grateful everyday that I had him in life, eventhough it was for such a short time. I'm sorry you found us but welcome to a very comforting place with wonderful people. Kelly

Dear Paul, It's so good to hear from you and all of your amazingly good/positive insight. I am actually just starting a similar pattern of one year anniversaries. The last time I saw him, the last time I... and the anniversary of his death is just around the corner. I have been thinking what to do about it all. So your insight and ideas come at a perfect time; I love the analogy to a fulcrum, a point to swing forward from. I think I may keep re-reading your post to help me with that forward momentum. Of your ideas, I think I have mastered #4. Forgiveness is one of the big lessons I have learned. Kay once wrote that forgiveness sets us free from the power of wrong and hurtfulness. I definately agree this is a "biggie" in healing. Good to hear from you, Kelly P.S. Happy belated birthday!

Jenn, I unfortunately don't have any words to make you feel better but I just wanted to send you a huge hug. Being sick just makes everything else in your life seem horrible. I am so sorry you have hit another rough time but I have faith you will make it through, even if you feel so overwhelmed right now. Many hugs, Kelly

Dear Sues, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of your nephew. You have found a site full of very caring people who helped me immensely on this journey through grief. Just to me, I'm no expert or anything, but it sounds like you, Andy's parents and brother and your entire family are "dealing" in the best way possible. Coming together, telling stories, sharing their grief instead of not talking about it seems like the right thing to do. Also slowly making trips to the "outside world" is good too. It is exceptionally hard to see the world moving forward when your world has completely stopped. And all that is so important to others seems completely trivial. And sadly part of your sister did probably die when her son died. I read somewhere that part of you does die when your loved one died, but somehow the part of you that's still alive will eventually start living again. I know what you mean about not really being sure where to post or where you fit in some category. My ex-boyfriend died last March in a car accident; he was 27. There's no real term for a griever of an old love. It's strange but that's grief. I'm sorry you found us but I hope that you will keep coming back. This is such a supportive commmunity here. I think that you and your family should continue to rally together in this time of intense pain and grief. Many hugs, Kelly

Hi everyone. Derek, I am glad you brought up this topic; it seems alot of people have thoughts on this. I thought I'd add my perspective, although I am coming from a bit of different place. Those of you here may know my story; I lost an ex-boyfriend 10 months ago, he was 27 and I was 26 at the time. I loved him, still love him, but the relationship wasn't one that could sustain a marriage. The thought of dating wasn't on my radar but I happened to meet someone when I was at 6 months into the grieving process. We had an exceptional amount of things in common; someone on paper who looked just right for me. So we went on our first date. Two days later, his mom died. I just was there to be supportive during the first two months. Then less than three months after his mom died, his dad died and then a great aunt about a week later. Both into our grieving processes, we spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's together really just trying to avoid the holidays. I think we met each other at the right times in our lives. But during this time, we realized that we just are not emotionally compatible and decided to end things last week. It's so painful to have another relationship come to an end. It is bringing up the pain of losing Josh all over again. The last night I saw Josh was exactly a year ago to the day that things ended with this new guy. I don't know if I was really "ready" or not to start dating. It just happened. I am glad though that it did happen. I am glad that our life paths came together for a few short months during a very difficult time for both of us. It definately made the holidays alot less worse than they would have been otherwise. I am glad to know that I can be interested in someone again. Since the minister at Josh's funeral told us to fill the void of Josh in our lives with hope, I have been looking for hope. Dating for a few months gave me the hope that some day I will find someone to share my life with and that it may be possible to love again. It is exceptionally hard not to compare my relationship with Josh and who he was as a person with someone new. It's a constant struggle; it's definately not easy. But through it all, I realized Josh will always, no matter what, have a special place in my heart and my life. Death cannot destroy love. Someone new would just be a very different part of my life and my heart. So I can say that there is hope in finding new relationships if that's what we want in our lives. It's very hard but having the perspective of losing someone we loved is invaluable. We are stronger that we realize. Many hugs to all, Kelly

Laurie, I am so sorry you are having such a tough day and night. You are not going crazy; it's just so insane what your heart and mind is trying to understand... that your Sean is not physically there with you. I used to think I would see an email or text message from Josh eventhough I knew he was gone. I used to also think that dying wouldn't be such a bad option to escape the pain. But somehow I just kept getting up and going through the motions. Somehow we keep going. I don't really have anything to say that could take away your pain. I just wanted to know that you're not alone; I'm thinking about you tonight and sending you a big hug. Love, Kelly

Martha, Three months, by far, was the hardest time for me! You can check out this thread Three Month Mark There was another thread recently started about this too but I don't remember where. But for now, you really just have to deal with where you are now, today. It's too overwhelming in the early stages to look to far ahead. Oh and my friends thought I should be "over it" by about 6 weeks!! HA! HA! Kelly

Jane, I just wanted to also say welcome to our family; I am glad you found us. The people on this site have been my main support through this disaster called grief. People who haven't been here just don't get 'it.' I lost my Josh on March 5, 2006. He was driving in a snow storm when a 17 year old kid driving too fast crossed the median and hit Josh directly ending his life instantly. This kid is being charged with negligent homicide. Josh died less than a month before his 28th birthday. I can not even begin to imagine the horror you must have felt being there. I am so sorry for your loss. We are here whenever you need to vent, just not feel alone, or need a hug. Many hugs, Kelly

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of your husband. You have found a wonderful place with warming caring people to help you through this thing called grief. Your grief is still so raw and new and what people around you don't realize is that grief is a very long journey. This is not something you will ever "get on with." This is a wonderful place to share your story, your thoughts, your pain and you never have to worry about going on because that is why we are all here. I, too, am a professional with training in depression but what I have learned (tomorrow will be 8 months for me...), is that grief is a natural reaction to unreal events. What you are experiencing is completely normal and could never been learned unless you've been through it firsthand. As for your question "what now?," well, sharing your story with caring friends and family and with us here will help tremendously. You will probably tell your story over and over again. Learning and reading about grief has helped me so much. There are numerous books available out there; my favorite has been Healing After Loss: daily meditations for working through grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I started a journal. I went to a counselor for the first few months and found a hospice grief support group. But really, in the horrible beginning, as cliche as it sounds, you really just have to take it one day at a time. And sometimes, an entire day seems overwhelming... so just taking life 20 minutes at a time is more managable. Again, I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you have found this site; the wonderful people here have become my family. Hugs, Kelly

Laurie, This stuff is so hard! Having our loved one die has really forced us to face head on all the issues. One of the biggest lessons I am learning is forgiveness and to realize that we are all human, which means we all make mistakes and are not perfect. I think Sean probably realizes this now. (Atleast that what I like to think about Josh... I had a dream where he came to me saying if he knew then what he knows now, he wouldn't have done all the things he did.) So I think they do realize us as humans that are not perfect and that we are forgiven for these things that weren't great in our relationship. I love your story about your engagement ring and the stars in the night sky. I definately think it was Sean sending you a message. It's these special moments that really help us get through. Many hugs, Kelly

Laurie, I am so sorry to hear of all of your troubles too. I think having a difficult relationship with our loved one makes our grief so much more complicated. I, too, remember the horrible fights. I, too, never forgave Josh for all the horrible things he did while he was alive. I was up all night in anxiety thinking about one of Josh's betrayals that has resufaced. It's such a disaster to be angry at someone who's dead, who deserves our anger for the things they did but to also remember that we loved that person. It's so so so hard. (I also wrote about it in Anger thread.) One moment I want to hate him, the next moment I realize hating a dead person gets you nowhere. I can say that over the past 8 months I have really worked hard at forgiving Josh. I had gotten to a great point where I had forgiven him for everything I KNEW about but now that new stuff has resurfaced, I will know have to work at forgiving him for this too. I think that we can tell them now that we forgive and can also seek their forgiveness. Our relationships continues... I think it is so important to remember our loved one as a whole person, their good and bad qualities, which is often hard because most people want to glorify the dead. There's a quote from Healing after Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman that I can't find right now but has helped me alot. It goes something like this... Our loved one has forgiven us as we have forgiven them. This is HARD work!!!! Cyndy, We haven't heard from you in awhile and I am so so sorry to hear about your sister. How are you doing?? We're here whenever you need to talk, vent, or give hugs. Kelly

Kay, I know we have moved away from this thread... but some of the nasty lies that Josh feed me have reared their nasty heads up again. The overwhelming ANGER for Josh is back. Sunday will be 8 months. I am so sick of dealing with all of this drama. I am so so so mad at Josh for lying and doing the horrible betraying things that he did. And what makes me so angry is that I have worked so HARD to deal with them and forgive him. But new things have come up that I have no control over that are a result of his betrayal. I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM!!!! And I hate being mad at a dead person... it gets you no where! I can discuss this with my friends but they have no clue what it's like to have someone you love die and find out how the horrid things they did while they were alive will continue to adversely affect your life. You're stuck living with the consequences. In the mist of my horrid day atleast I felt like I could come here and be understood. Kay, thank you for sharing your story here. I hate going through this feeling so alone.