ksbeachbum

Dear Sad I feel your pain and also wonder if life as I now know it is living or existing. But I do have faith and hope (some days more than other days) that I am on this earth for a reason and haven't finished my work, whatever it is. I think about not wanting to live, but it isn't our choice and we have to have faith and hope that with each day it WILL get better and eventually we will see a spec of improvement. My small goal is to see if I can get through 4 hours a day without having a crying episode. Small, but hopefully attainable. I started to work last week learning the dog grooming business part time but I can't get through 4 hours without a breakdown so I'm not sure that it will work for me right now. I am going to be kind to myself and try to take it easy and allow myself some time to cry and grieve. Eventually I think I can make my goal for 4 hours without a breakdown. Please know that we all care for you on this site and want to help you any way possible. Stay with us Sad. We are all feeling your pain. Blessings and hugs to you Becky

KayC You are so right. I worked for the Courts for 32 years and each state is different. I will be dealing with probate in two different states since our second house is in Florida. It takes a minimum of 6 months in KS, then after it is wrapped up here I have to do it again in Florida, where the second home is. Already in process, but it is a lot easier if a will is in place. Becky

Hi Marc: Welcome to this group. I am new also, having lost my husband to maxillary sinus cancer on 4/12/11. We had beat the throat cancer a year before and thought we were out of the woods only to find out last fall that it showed up again. I hope this is not the new normal... I am hoping it will get better. The new normal will be w/o my loved one but I sure do hope I begin feeling better and want to live instead of existing. My son is getting married in July and I thought I would consume myself in wedding planning, but I just can't get there mentally. People try so hard to help, don't know what to say, and the hardest is when they don't bring up Randy's name or memories and you do... it is like the white elephant in the room. Just because he is gone does not mean he did not live. I do feel the anger but it usually directed at someone that has nothing to complain about but always does and before I know it I have mentioned that until you loose your spouse you are not having a bad day. I have not felt any anger towards my spouse but I am pretty fresh into the grief. Welcome again and blessing to you. Becky

Dear Tammy: Thank you so much for your reply. I really needed to hear that. Randy fought the battle with throat cancer in early 2010 and we thought we had it beind us only to find out 4 months later he had what we thought was a sinus infection, but it was maxillary sinus squamous cell carcinoma. It had wrapped itself around his optic nerve and the doctors were trying to keep it from entering into the brain. We knew the situation and I did the research, 35% survival rate but we never really heard any of this from the medical team. I know we fought it the way we wanted to, just hind site wondering if that was what he needed or what I needed at the time. You are right, no sense of beating myself up over it, it doesn't change anything, just looking at so many things I would and could of done different.But in the end, as my husband's favorite saying was "it is what it is." Thank you again. Hoping for a good day for you and me. Becky

Any one else have the guilt feelings? My husband Randy was so full of life and we made a decision early on that we were going to fight the cancer and never look back. He was active, played golf and was young. We were not going to do a living will or any of that as I perceived it at the time as "a negative." We were upbeat and optimistic. As the pain and suffering took over I began the guilt trip and could not feel I could talk to him about the possibility of him not making it and the talk about death and dying. I never did have that talk with him and I so regret that. I still don't know if he knew he was at the end because we didn't go there. So many regrets. I was selfish and just wanted him with me not thinking about the pain he was in. Very greatful that all the family was there at the end but not knowing if he knew. He had lost a lot of his hearing and his left eye due to the tumor at the end. I feel so bad that we didn't get to say proper goodbyes and talk about it because he was always going to beat it. Then there was no will and now all the probate stuff that has to happen because we were not prepared for the inevitable. So much guilt!!! Becky

Phil: I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. My heart goes out to you. My story is similiar... 18 months of cancer battle, first throat, (we thought we were cancer free) only to find out it came back with a vengance in his maxillary sinus and optic nerve. First surgery, two radiations and chemos within a year will take a tole on your body. He lost his left eye and hearing in the left ear before it started invading his cranial nerves. He was 54 and passed away 4/12/11 after I finally called in hospice for 4 days before he passed. He fought the whole way never complaining. We did PEG tube feedings 3 times a day for months to keep him alive. It was a horrific way to go and I would have done anything to change places with him. He was the love of my life and best friend. And it was so uplifting to know that you can have a wonderful loving relationship after a failed first marriage for both of us. We were Ying and Yang, Fred and Ginger and Abbott and Costello. Inseperable. Now I am alone and lonely. I hear it gets better with time but that sure doesn't help right now. Lots of tears, guilt, loneliness and existing in a life I'm not sure I want. I want to keep looking for the postive but some days it is hard. I plan on finding a support group soon and hoping it will help. My prayers are with you to get through this lonliness and despair and this support group will help. Blessing to you. Becky ksbeachbum

Good morning friends: Sometimes it is difficult to find joy when you are in the middle of darkness by yourself, BUT I am thankful for today, the sun did come up and I have wonderful friends checking on me and a son that is exceptional. He is on the other side of the state but calls me every day to see how I am doing. Randy's family, who also live in different states also call regularly to check on me. I feel blessed with the people in my life. They will help me get through this difficult phase. I hear all of you say your spouse or loved one speaks to you or you get signs. I would love that but all is see is his last days of being so sick and not being the person I knew full of life. I am hoping that will past and the good memories will take over. I so miss his bigger than life belly laughs and his postive outlook always joking.

Thank you all for your support. Mornings are the worst, as that was our time. Reading the paper, drinking coffe and talking politics. I sure do miss that and trying to learn a new morning routine. I have been taking a dear friend that has brain cancer to radiation, etc. I honestly think I need to back out of this. I am seeing her detiorate and it is too close to home. It hurts too much. Family is in denial, much like I was. Blessing to all B

Thanks Lainey. I put on a good front but alone I am miserable. Sleeping lots and not eating properly. But I have a needy 14 year old basset hound that is also feeling the abandonment that I have to walk and tend to her needs so I am getting some exercise, etc. No family near but plenty of friends that are checking on me regularly. The paperwork and mail are piling up and I do need to tackle it but energy level is at O. I feel so bad, my son is getting married in July and I should be consumed in wedding planning but my heart is not in it. Again, I put on a good front. I feel so badly, as we (there I go again, no more we, just I) just love his fiancee and her family but I can't seem to get up for it. Hoping that will change. Have been to the dr. and he has me on some anti-depressants but not noticing that they are helping. Lifestyle changes are inevitable and life must go on and I will get through this. He was such a remarkable man and we were like yin and yang together. One half of me is gone. He had throat cancer diagnosed in Dec. 2009 and we got through it in April in good shape. Flew back and forth between KS and Florida every three months for checkups, etc. Then in September he started getting a sinus infection (they thought) which turned out to be maxilary sinus cancer. Surgery in November 2010, lost his left eye to the tumor, then radiation and chemo again and it was just horrific what he had to go through. Thankful he is no longer suffering. This will be a good place for support. Thank you. B.

HI, I'm a newbie on this site. Glad it is here but thinking no one really wants to be here but hoping to find some support. Husband of 15 years, my partner, best friend and love of my life passed after 18 months fighting cancer. It was a horrific disease for him but he never stopped fighting.54 years old and was diagnosed 10 days after I took an early retirement. Thankful for the 15 years we had together with my best friend and partner, as many people live their entire life not finding what we had, and thankful that I did not have to juggle work and caregiving. I got to spend every day with him/ taking care of him and enjoying life with him on the good days. We bought a second home in Florida and chose to do treatment in Florida, more sunshine, etc. I have to believe everything must of come together for a reason, house in Florida, I retired to care for him, we had family support four houses from us, etc. Very thankful but here I am trying to adjust to life w/o him. Very teary and weepy, knowing it will pass and it will get better but it doesn't seem to ease the pain.