ksbeachbum

Tammy: Thank you for that post. I'm learning that I am not crazy and my feelings and emotions are perfectfully normal for a grieving spouse. Becky

Hugs to you Mary. You are not alone and it is understandable that a 25th wedding anniversary coming up, a big milestone, and the love of your life will not be there in person to celebrate it, but he will be with you and always is. Hold on to all the good memories and hopefully you will pass through it gently and peacefully. Hugs Becky

Brian: I missed the yell also but I'm doing some serious meditation and I will be waking him up and he will say, "Wow" I'm a fool I HAVE to hire Brian, he is the perfect fit for this job." So expect a job offer when I get done. Best of luck to you. Blessings Becky

Tammy: How beautiful and a wonderful tribute to Jeff. I will remember this for Randy's BD in November. Awesome!! Becky

I have been helping a friend in her dog grooming business in the mornings just to fill up some of my empty time. Yesterday one of the girls brought in a 4 lb toy poodle that needs to be adopted. The prior owners moved to an apartment and couldn't keep her, so she needs a new home. I volunteered to foster parent her until adoption is possible. What a joy a 1 year old 4 lb loving toy poodle is. She has been so loving and loyal and providing that unconditional love. My basset hound has even acted better ( she has had severe seperation anxiety since my spouse's passing.) This has been a blessing for both me and my old basset. For this I am grateful. Becky

I have a shirt of Randy's that I sleep with, his smell still remains on it, although I am sure it will fade. I also pull out his cologne and smell it. It brings a smile to me. Becky

Beautifully said Carol Ann. Becky

I have a question for some of the health care professionals. My physician has prescribed an anti anxiety med (lorasapam) and a anti-depression med (Effexor XR). I am very cauious about using them, but I do believe that my crying episodes are much less when I do take the lorasapam. Am I just prolonging the grieving process by taking these? I was told once by a friend that was a NP that after you go off of them you are still going to have to go through the emotions and feelings. Just wondering anyone else's take on this subject. Thanks Becky

I feel closer to you and Dave since you are truly Kansans. I live in Abilene, so I know Salina well. My one and only son teaches in Goodland and is getting married 7/23/11 in Goodland. It is a long way and I just can't make up my mind whether I should move out there or not. It is so isolated and I had lived there before and hated all 8 years of it, but I keep telling myself that it is close to Denver where I have family, and Silverthorne and Ft. Collins where Randy's siblings are and it should not matter WHERE we are if we have our family and loved ones close to us. Right? I won't make any hasty decisions but I have no family here, but I am blessed with very good friends. 23 years ago I moved here for a promotion after a divorce along my 2 year old son. I worked and had friends and then met the love of my life , where we continued to reside and raise our son. My husband is now gone and my son now has his own home 3.5 hr. away. What is the point of staying here? Hugs, Becky

Dave: Another jayhawker... great. I spent the past 13 years driving to Manhattan to work. Retired at 53 10 days before Randy was diagnosed with cancer. Glad I did to take care of him but now am wishing I had that job. I was a court administrator. Manhattan has changed so much you wouldn't recognize it. Becky

Thank you all for your thoughtfulness and replies. Today is going to be a better day for me. Thinking positive. Melina, you are up at 4:35 a.m.? So glad I am not the only one with such abnormal hours any more. Sleep, either too much or not enough and never normal. Hoping you all have a gentle peaceful comforting Sunday. Becky

Anyone else feel more lonely and isolated on the weekends? When I had my spouse and we were working we could not wait for the weekends to arrive. To spend time together and get caught up and also enjoy the things we liked to do... trying new restaurants, enjoying the sunshine and of course breakfast on Sunday mornings. Now I am lost as to what to do with my weekends. I am still too fagile to go out much, in fear that a crying episode will erupt and just not having the energy or motivation at this point in time. I spent brief periods of time with friends but again, I feel like I am out of place without the other half. I have actually managed to accumulate laundry so I will have something to keep me busy on the weekends. Also, the fact that I do live in a rural area does not help matters. I am hoping that I am still new to this grief and I will get better. No family close...son is 3.5 hours away and sure wishing he or I was closer but still to fagile to make decisions. Feeling the need for a support group, but they don't meet here during the summer. Guess you aren't suppose to grieve during the summer. Becky

I also had the same situation with my husband. He passed two months ago tomorrow. Sinus cancer that made its way to the brain. The confusion and falling down and then into the bones and the pain. He was in hospice for four days before he passed, but no discussion of what to do because it came on so fast and to relieve the pain he was so sedated with the morphine that I felt like I didn't get to really say goodbye or that he even knew what was going on. Many many regrets. He did not sign a DNR order and when he became unresponsive the hospice social worker hurried to our house to get his permission for me to be medical power of attorney. He very faintly said yes but could not sign it, but X'd it. It was witnessed and I was then allowed to sign DNR. I was told in Florida if there is not a DNR, hospice has to call the law enforcement about a death and it is investigated. Did not want to go through that. Also, regrets of not laying with him, cuddling with him when he was more alert. I felt like I could not touch or stroke him as the hospice nurse told us they register that as pain. Dave, please know you are not alone in this journey, although we all feel like it. I am very anxious about this weekend, as this is the first weekend that I am truly am alone in this house with really nothing to do or planned. I imagine I will be on this message board a lot. May all of this bring you some peace and know that I am thinking of you. Becky

I did find that special someone and he made my life complete. We knew what the other was going to say before they said it. If we were going out to eat but didn't know where, he would always ask me where do you want to go and I would ask him the same and it never failed we would always pick the same place or know what place the other one was thinking. I miss that, I miss his laugh, his smile and his silently sitting on the couch with the dog watching television. Many times we would be in different rooms of the house but I knew he was there. Why is it so different now? I know he is still with me, just in spirit. Maybe the finality that I will never see him, touch him, smell him or hear him. If only one more time with him..... Becky

I am thankful that I work with a great individual where I can come in crying and she is there to hold me and hug me and listen to me ramble on about the loss of my husband for a short while. She says she is glad I'm there and believes I am happier when I leave work than when I arrived. She is correct and I am blessed that she is there for me and I have something to do and somewhere to go each day. I am a strong person and I hope and pray that I will make it through this hole of dispair and find that I can be happy again. I know my spouse would want that. Becky

Melina: Yes I too have experienced this. I will be going about my business and then think about him, it, the finality of it all and will get a nauseated feeling and thinking I'm going to vomit. It is unpredictable and pops up daily. I just try to stop what I'm doing and take some deep breaths and tell myself it is going to be okay. If anyone has a better idea please let us know. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and I am hoping that the anxiety will diminish in time. Another tough one for me yesterday. The storm last week that produced the tornadoes and softball sized hail has also left me with roof damage that they are totaling out and I have a $1000.00 deductible on the insurance. One more thing that my husband did and now I am left alone to complete. I will get through it but with many tears I am sure. Wishing you a gentle and peaceful day my dear. Hugs, Becky

Melina: Happy Birthday and hold on to all those good memories today and smile. They are yours and yours alone and hold them close to your heart. They will comfort you. Hugs to you. Becky

Dear Chrissie: You express yourself very well because I couldn't have said it better. I feel that some thing daily, every minute. I was driving home from my future daughter in law's bridal shower, a 3.5 hour drive home and I cried all the way home. Stayed in the motel that Randy and I stayed in together many times and who would of guessed such a small thing would cause me so much sadness and emotion. The little things that you don't expect to turn your world upside down. The ordinary daily things. My heart goes out to you and thanks for sharing. We are all bonded on here. Blessing to you Becky

It is all a dream or a nightmare? The good memories seem like so long ago and now all I have is the aftermath nightmare. You are not alone. Blessings to you my friend Becky

Dear Younggranne: You are at the right place. I am only 53 days into this horrific place that I don't want to be. I lost my husband of 15 years to maxillary sinus cancer after 4 months earlier we thought we beat the throat cancer. The grief and lonliness is huge for me. Our time was our mornings together before work, coffee, small talk and I miss that SO MUCH. I cry every morning and everyone has been so kind but it doesn't bring him back. There is nothing anyone can do to make the pain go away. BUT... knowing there are others out there like us, in this group helps and makes me think that I am not crazy. They tell me crying is good, well I am good at it. Days will get better they tell me also. Please use this forum and support group to help and I am available for you any time. You are not alone in this. Hugs to you Becky

Dave I'm so sorry for your recent loss, my husband has been gone less that two months and I am fighting the same demons. I applaud you, you are looking and finding a spec of happiness and kindness in our world of despair. That is huge. The horses, the garden and your nephew are giving you brief moments to smile. I think as time goes on we will see more of these happy encounters. (I am hoping) Until then be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I am to be at my future daughter in laws bridal shower today and I am in a hotel by myself, without my husband. Who would know that this would cause me a sea of sadness. A mini vacation without my partner and I am alone. Hoping for a good day and better days again for you my friend. Becky

Brian: Don't feel alone is this arena. My husband Randy died of maxillary sinus cancer April 12,2011 in Florida. We were in the process of returning to our Kansas home. He never made it. We had to wait 5 days for the death certificate and his remains. Then my sister in law, mother in law and dog forged to Illinois where Randy was raised for a memorial. Then my sister in law and I forged to KS to my home after getting caught in tornado weather in Missouri. After one day of being home I had to go to the ER on Easter Sunday. It was a kidney stone that was wedged in and I wasn't going to pass it. In the hospital for surgery. Finally recovered from that and time for the memorial for Randy in KS. The back yard is a jungle so I have started trimming only to contract poison ivy. Feel like crap and then started a new job last week. Too much, too soon and what am I doing? The job is probably not going to work, just because I do not feel like I can get through it w/o crying daily. I need to allow time for healing and so do you. I'm thinking that now that we have all this BAD stuff out of our way, things will start to look up for you and me. Please don't give up and keep the faith and hope that the sun will rise and tomorrow will be a better day. Blessing to you Becky

So glad prom went well Tammy for you and your daughter. The big events are causing me some anxiety. Our son is getting married July 23rd and of course my husband is not there to celebrate it. He wanted so much to be there for it and the Dr.'s wanted us to try to get my son to move up the wedding date as they knew he didn't have much time left. We chose not to ask them to do it as that was the date they selected and we didn't think it was ours to change. They picked that date with the family eliminating dates that would not work. Family is scattered out and it is a big wedding. I am so scared that I will break down emotionallly and I so don't want that to happen. I know they would understand, but it should be a day of celebration and I don't want to upset that theme. So... today you give me courage. I will cry before the event for my husband not being there and will leave the HAPPY cry for the happy couple. I hope and pray for that to happen. Blessing Becky

My gratitude today: We had tornado sirens going off on Wednesday night and the dog and I spent most of the night in the basement under the basement stairs. Two tornadoes spotted but did not hit any where in my small town. Softball sized hail , which sounded like bowling balls, and lots of rain and flooding. I survived with one limb on my roof w/o damage. Many car windshields shattered in town and many folks had house damage. I had none. For that I am thankful. Thank you dear husband Randy for watching out for me. With faith and hope for an even better today and tomorrow. Becky