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Ken: Please accept my condolscences for your loss. This sounds so cliche but we really do know your large loss here; as we have all been through it in some way and we are still here. This is a wonderful support system and I could not have made it without this site. I lost my husband to cancer after 18 months the of cancer. First it was throat cancer we thought we beat, only to have sinus cancer invade him four months later. It has been 7 months since he passed. It has not been easy and this grief journey is not for the lame. It will take you on all kinds of twist and turns. Just remember you do not have to do anything but breathe. The rest will take care of itself eventually. I also wanted to get rid of the personal things as the pain was too great. But, I am here alone (our son lives 4 hours away) and I just didn't have the energy or motivation to do it. I am glad I did not, because now the photos and some personal things bring me comfort. You will go through lots of emotions and for me, I decided with the help of my grief counselor, that I will not do anything for a year. With that commitment to myself it has made it a lot easier to rid myself of all the anxiety I was having about decisions. My hearts goes out to you. May you find some comfort in knowing that we are here for you to vent, cry and express yourself when needed. We are all good listeners. Blessings Becky

Happy that some of you choose to find a partner after the death of your spouse. Certainly not a possibility for me. I lost a female friend three months after my husband's death. I knew her and her husband for 25 years. He and I are helping each other through this devestating journey w/o our spouses. I am no where near ready to have a relationship, if I ever will be and he is very much so wanting too. I have been honest from the beginning, it is a friendship only and he has respected that, but I still wonder if he is looking further out that something MIGHT happen. I just know me and it won't. I feel like I would be disloyal and disrepectful to my spouse and I still miss him. How could I ever settle after having the BEST. It would be a comparsion all the time. Further, I don't see the need. I plan on having my cup full by all sorts of friends, not just one. I know we are all different, but I just don't understand. Everything I read says don't do anything for a year and I will honor that. I think you can have male companionship as a friend if you set the boundaries early on. I have many female and male friends and plan on leaving it that way. No relationships on the horizon for me. Best of luck to the rest of you.

Dwayne: I'm so sorry I missed your birthday, but it sounds like you had a great day. Know that I am thinking of you today, a day late and wishing you many many more. Blessings to you my friend Becky I had a rough day yesterday, I put my 14 year old basset hound down yesterday. She was a gift from Randy and was very very loved. But as healthy as she was physically she was not mentality. Dimensia had set in with old age and she was barking lots, getting lost, incontinence and pacing, to name a few. I knew it was time but still not an easy thing to do.

I'm usally on the loss of a spouse page as I have lossed my spouse six months ago due to cancer. Yesterday, I lost my beloved 14 year old basset hound. Although she was healthy as a horse as the saying goes, she had become increasingly confused, the seperation axiety become worse and the incontinence was present. It was a very difficult decision to make and not one taken lightly. My husband gave me Annabelle 14 years ago as a gift after losing my previous basset hound due to old age. She was the center of our lives and she was loved so much. She was spoiled rotten but she also gave lots of love and happiness back. During the 18 months my husband battled his cancer she was a constant for him. During the last four days in hospice care, she did not leave his side until he passed. She was a great dog and she will truly be missed. I know that Randy and Annabelle have bonded in heaven once again and that gives me comfort, even if I am the one left behind. RIP Annabelle. Blessing to all Becky

Dave: Take care of yourself and just breathe. You are not going backwards as I am learning this grief journey is not a straight line. It is more like a maze with all kinds of twists and turns. Just go with it. I learned something valuable this week with my counselor and thought of you. I have had this desire to get in touch with Randy's stepdaughter that he raised when she was young. AFter his divorce her mother would not allow him to see her anymore. I continued to tell him she would realize his importance in her life as she got older. So.... I have had this yearning desire to find her and I have but have not contacted her yet. I told my counselor and he informed me this is a type of grieving...instrumental grieving. Some people will do things, kind of unfinished business for our spouses, instead of talking, crying, etc. Some people will paint the house, yard work or some of those honeydew things that went undone. Randy's unfinsished business was having contact with his stepdaughter. Don't know what will come of it but I am starting to understand it. I have a friend that is wanting me to go go go with him. Parties, bbq, motorcycling, etc and I am finding out that although I appreciate this it is not right for me. I need quiet time to reflect on my last 16 years with my spouse and honor him in my own way. I wish I was over the grief but I am not and don't know how long it will take but I am going to do what feels right to me as that is all I can do and I hope that I can come out of it healthy and whole. Thinking of you and don't be so hard on yourself. Your plan will come to you when it is time. Blessings Becky

Mary: My heart cries for you and my arms hug you here in our cyper support. Your loss is real and your life with Bill was real but I do relate to your feelings and thoughts. There are times I wonder if Randy even existed and yet I know we had a great life together. It seems so long ago and yet so vivid in my memories. Will we ever feel happy again? Will we ever be able to ease the pain? We we ever be able to come to terms with the fact that our beloved spouse is not longer here and we are alone? Are we wanting to hold on to the pain so we can not forgot them? I have asked myself these questions daily. Hoping and praying it gets better but knowing that this grief journey is necessary. Hugs to you Becky

WaltC, Beautiful and touching. Thank you for sharing it.

I also mirror the others comments. Some of the loneliest times I have had were being in a crowd of people with friends. They sure mean well, but sometimes it just doesn't work for me. Flying back from Indianapolis last week I had a nice couple about my age seating next to me and I just couldn't help thinking how I was robbed of being with my spouse, traveling and being them. Being home alone with my dogs feels more comfortable than a crowd. But.. it is important not to isolate ourselves where it is not healthy. Sometimes it is a balancing act. Grief is a long and tough road. Blessings Becky

Dwayne: It is Browns Park. After I will put our dog down I plan on taking some of Randy's ashes and Annabelle's ashes (our basset hound) and spread them in Brown's Park. We spent alot of time out there with the dog. It is only fitting to leave part of them there. The cleaning out of the van and the emotions was a complete shock... I wasn't anticipating the emotions with them. My grief counselor suggested that I make a vertical calender (he suggested even toilet paper) and write down the dates and even more importantly, the events that will trigger our emotions going wild. We all anticipate the birthdays and anniversaries being tough but after doing so I thought about some of the other events that I will have a hard time with. One is March Madness basketball.... again we are from Kansas so we are always KU basketball fans and watched many basketball games together in March or all season for that matter. Even in treatment while he Florida he used to get so mad because he could not get KU basketball on television and finally had to subscribe to it on the internet. I will hopefully be prepared for that one. Another one is the Masters golf tourney. We were watching it all weekend before he passed on Tuesday. I really never thought about the events that trigger it but the van sure did. He would be right there cheering me on for buying a new vehicle. He loved his vehicles.!!! Thanks so much for always being there for me Dwayne. You are a very special person. Becky

Hi All: One step forward two steps back. Randy and I bought a minivan during his illness. Neither of us are "minivan" people but we purchased a luxury one and it was great and comfortable to travel to Florida in for his treatment. As his cancer progressed it was necessary for a walker, wheelchair,etc. Still this is hard to say... as three months prior he was golfing and very active, etc. Anyway, I bought another vehicle and have been cleaning out the van to go pick up the new one. I came across some of his meds, glasses and music he listened to at the last. He would drive into the woods and crank up the music. That was the only control he had over his life at the end. Anyway, cleaning the van out and finding these things has sent me over the edge again. It is tough and painful. I have also had to make the mental decision that I will have to put my 14 year old basset hound down. She was there day in and out with Randy during the whole illnesses and did not leave his side. She now is healthy as a horse, but is senile and confused. Very tough decision. When will this all get easier. Thanks for listening. Becky

Today is the 6th month anniversary, or I prefer angelversary, of my husband's passing. It comes with mixed emotions. I miss him more than life itself, but I had a wonderful week with his family. I went to visit his mother and siblings, spenting some fun time in Chicago with his sister. Then we took the train to southern Ill. where his brother and mother live. Spent quality time with them sharing stories, memories and digging out the box of photographs. It was therapuetic for all of us. Lots of tears, laughs and smiles. We went to some of his favorite boyhood places and scattered some ashes. It felt so good to be with them and now I am alone at home and the waterworks are flowing. This thing called grief is a long hard road. Overall, I think I am moving forward, but sometimes it seems it is at a snails pace. Peace and Hugs Becky

Dave: Holy cow that is awesome and I can definitely see the resemblance. So glad you did that. I still haven't done it, kind of scared that if is isn't right I'll have a melt down. Hope your dad is improving daily, and you too. I just got back from a week with Randy's mother and siblings and we scattered some of his remains in some of his favorite boyhood places. It was a very therapuetic week. Feeling good right now. Thanks for sharing. Peace and Hugs Becky

So sorry for your crappy day Dave. Why do people do that? I worked for a court system and could of been described as a hard a** but I do know that after going down this road of caregiver and watching your love one in pain day after day that I have become a much more compassionate person. I have learned that you do not know what kind of day the next person has had or what story they have to tell. For that I am truly greatful.But on the down side I do not have much tolerance for intolerance!! I was at a bar b que the other night and a husband was degrading his wife in front of everyone and I could not listen without comment. I advised him that he would regret that if his wife suddenly was no longer here as I have experienced. It was hard to listen too. I would give anything to have mine back and tell him how wonderful he was. Anyway, so glad your drawing turned out well. What a postive experience for you. Blessings Becky

While I believe that we need to look at the positives, it is impossible to put GRIEF in a box and say all should do this or that. Grief is an individual journey and there is no right or wrong. Grief is different at 1 month, 6 months and two years out. I am guessing that at 18 months out is it alot easier to look at the positives than it is at two months out. I know I can only do what is right for me at the time and sometimes it is just too overwhelming while other days it is great with positive memories. I do not choose to feel I am hostage of grief but it is a journey that I need to go through, good and bad. I believe I have little control as God is my driver and I am along for the ride and faith where he takes me. I can only go where he chooses me to go with the tools he has given me. And I am confident that I will be healthy and whole at the end of this grief journey. Just saying this is the right way to think for me and I am sure that many of you have your own thoughts about this. Peace and Hugs Becky

Dwayne: You are such an inspiration to all of us. Have a wonderful day remembering your love and smiling as you do. I hope that I will become half the person you are. I am making progress with the grief counselor and am so greatful for my friends husband who is also grieving his wife. We are there for each other when needed. Peace and Hugs Becky

Dave No you are not selfish. Each of us deals with these issues in our own way and there is no right or wrong way. You know what is right for you and I think you have made that decision. Unfornately, we are all juggling priorities with our plates full and we do the best we can. Sounds like you you are too. Your dad and family know that you are there with him in your heart and that is what matters. Unfornately, when we are there we can't do anything anyway except give support and you can do that at work. Best to you and keep us informed. Also.... I would like to contact the pyschic you did as it sounds like you got a good one, do you mind sharing? Needing phone number. Thanks Peace and Hugs Becky

Good for you Dave. I have been wanting to do the psychic reading with no real expectations, but just wanting to feel better. Not sure I would find one in central Kansas though. I think it is great, if you can come away with feeling some comfort then it is all worth while. Also glad to hear your dad will be okay. Also, love the mustang convertible.... I say do it. !! Peace and Hugs to you Becky

Hi Janine: I am so sorry for your loss. We all understand here because we are living proof. It is a difficult lonely journey, this life without our spouses but this group is wonderful and available 24/7. If needed go see your doctor, many of us have acknowledged that it was necessary for anti-depressant medication, sleeping meds, etc. to get us through this, at least in the early stages. Be kind to yourself and remember you don't have to do anything except breathe. I lost my husband in April after 18 months of caregiving. I was also his sole caregiver. He had two different bouts of cancer and it was an ugly horrific journey for him and me. He is at peace now but I am not, but I am working on finding a life without his physical presence with me. I am beginning to learn that he is with me always, just in a different way. At first it was not something I chose to embrace. But I am now more open to that possibility. He is in spirit with me , and I am finally beginning to feel peace with that. Janine, please reach out if you need help, this group will always be there for you. Thinking of you during this long and lonely journey. Peace and Hugs Becky

That is GREAT news Dwayne. I'm so happy for you. Keep marching forward, you are an inspiration to all of us. Hugs Becky

Many of you know that I have been struggling with the lack of presence that I feel from my spouse that passed in April. It has saddened me that I have not had any dreams etc. I had a tough day on Sunday with alot of emotions, ie. lots of crying. Later in the day a thought occured to me. My husband lost his sight in his left eye due to the cancer tumor wrapping itself around the optic nerve. Randy said he had visions of a little black fluffy dog on his shoulder. The optamologist told us that this is a normal reaction of someone that has lost their sight. Similiar to a person that has lost a limb due to amputation, they will still have feelings in their limb that is not there. Fantom pain, etc. Randy continued to have this little black fluffy dog on his shoulder for some time. AFter his passing I returned to our home in Kansas. To make a long story short, I began being a foster parent for a 4 lb. BLACK toy poodle named Liza. She is a sweetheart and I would just take her home at night after helping out a dog groomer during the day. I have a 14 year old needy basset hound and did not need or want another dog. But after 2 weeks, the poodle had found a home with me and I could not let her be adopted. The basset hound even seemed to do better with her around. It just dawned on me Sunday, that Randy had sent that "little back fluffy dog" to me so I would not be so lonely. It brings me a smile and a warm feeling looking at her now knowing that he sent her to me and I just now figured it out. It was a sign right in front of me. Blessings Becky

Dear Lainey: I could have written your post. My husband passed 4.12.11 after 18 months of cancer, first throat cancer, which we thought we had conquered and then 3 months later cancer found in his sinuses. It was a horrible journey, with nose bleeds every night/day and sometimes more. I would have to change and launder bedding in the middle of the night due to large bleed outs. I think I could be in a commerial about how and what takes out blood stains. I know every trick in the book. I was crouchy, cranky, etc. PEG tube feedings three times a day for months on end, dr. appts. (12 doctors total) medications, etc. It takes a toil on the patient but the caregiver also. I had resentments about all this and his smoking that got us there. He wanted me to cuddle with him at the last of his life and I would for 5 minutes then leave. This is because the tumor and dead tissue had an offensive odor and it was so difficult to be close to him. That is not a pleasant thing to admit. That you could not be close to your husband that you love in his dying days. The guilt was killing me and I finally made an appt. with a grief counselor. Meeting with him weekly and trying to work through this. I wound up in the hospital after his passing with kidney stones and utilimately surgery. All of this is the stress of the situation. Just know that you are not the only one that had resentments, guilt feelings, etc. and tucking them away because we don't want to have to admit our feelings. I think it is common with caregiving. They key is to be aware of them and work through it. It appears you are doing just that. Praying the best for you. Peace and Hugs Becky

Don't feel alone in that arena Sharon. It is a struggle for all of us to stay positive and sometimes the waves of grief and emotion comes on out of nowhere. I had a bad day yesterday, but today feel better. The bad times are now further apart than earlier and that should mean I am progressing forward and not backward and I am sure that is true for you also. You will have bad days, which is normal, we just have to watch that we are not consumed by them. Hang in there my friend, you are doing well. Peace and Hugs Becky

Beautiful and wonderful article Mary. Thanks for sharing it with us. I wish I had the opportunity to do something like that to open up my existance. I haven't had many feelings or visions of my spouse's presence and it saddens me. Is it because I am not open to that concept? I don't think I am but why am I not feeling his presence? My husband was a very outgoing individual with a very big belly laugh and for the life of me I can't seem to see or hear that again and so wanting too. Hugs Becky

Beth You are absolutely normal. I do the same thing. Randy lived in his "man cave" with his big screen television and his sports, so I have his ashes sitting on the sofa in his man cave right where he should be. I wanted so badly to take him to our son's wedding, but thought that someone would think I was crazy carrying about a sack with his ashes it in, so I bought a little keepsake urn that fits in your palm and I put some of the ashes in there and he goes everywhere with me. It might sound kind of weird to some, but it does give me comfort knowing he is close by. They also have little keychains, pendants, etc. to place some of the ashes in. Our plan was to spread him in all his favorite places, but family members just aren't ready for that yet. You will know what is right for you and when it is right. In the mean time, find comfort in his ashes being with you and if it feels right, do it. There are no rules in this grief stuff that we are all going through. Blessings and hugs Becky

Mary and Melina: My hearts are with you both. Kudos for you Melina to get someone to paint the house. I am looking at the same thing and keep procrastinating. No hurry.... just breathe and do it when it seems right. Wish I was there to help you. Mary: Hugs to you. Yesterday was my 5 month anniversary of Randy's passing. Thank god I had a counseling appt. It was good and the day passed gently. I can so relate to you and Bill and and your not fitting in with others. Randy and I were similiar. We so enjoyed our own company. We were not night people and did not go out at all at night much. But the early mornings were our time and we enjoyed sunrises, coffee in the a.m., walking, etc. It caused issues with our friends at times. I remember going on a cruise with another couple. They were up half of the night and of course we weren't, they were always wanting us to party, gamble and go to shows. We enjoyed getting up and watching the sunrise and the start of a new day. Of course they slept half of the day. Now I am finding myself being thrown back into everyone else's invites for evening activities and I am going, but not really feeling it is my thing. Randy and I just fit together, even though we didn't quite fit with others some times. Now I don't fit anywhere. How I wish I could have one more morning, one more sunrise, one more coffee with my spouse. Blesssings to all Becky