ksbeachbum

Dwayne: I have one son, that is in Goodland, a high school business teacher. A few years younger than Dustin Greenough, Dee and Dianne's son. They just got through cutting wheat here, you know that is a big deal in the wide open spaces of KS. It is to be 103 today with lots of humidity. UGH!!! Hope we all have a good day. Thanks so much for listening. Becky

Dwayne: What a small world. I know Diane Greenough fairly well. She is now the HR director for Dickinson County. Yes, I also read your thread regarding your family wanting you to "return home." You are doing the right thing by staying and fulfilling your promise to Pauline. That is all we have left. Randy so wanted to go on this helicopter ride in Kissimee ( he passed away while we were in our Florida home). We was too sick and we didn't get it done and I will be taking that helicopter ride for him when I get to feeling better. I guess I try to give family and friends a pass. I know they mean well, they just don't know how or what to do. My sister lost her only child to suicide in 2006 and I was one of those people. Trying to get her to move closer to me, etc. I GET IT NOW. So, I try not to be too hard on them. They just don't know. Haven't experienced it. They want us to be happy and full of life again. It just doesn't happen over night if at all. You are so doing the right thing. Hang in there Dwayne and thank you so much for your support. It means the world and is so very helpful. Blessings Becky

Kay: So sorry about your son's friend. Suicide is so horrific for the family. My nephew, age 13 died of suicide in 2006. He was my sister's only child and was bipolar. She is not the same person after that occurred. She was a very successful partner in a public relations company in Denver. She handled the Coors account and United airlines account amongst others. Now she can barely function and is on disability with PTSD. It is so sad. She and her husband divorced before the suicide. He died under her watch and she can't get over the guilt. I sometimes think of suicide to get out of the pain that I feel, but know that is not the answer and would not want to leave my son thinking he did/did not do something. Again, so sorry this happened. Blessings Becky

Dwayne: Thank you, you are a saint! I will call him. I know Diane Greenough, thinking she is Dwight's daughter in law. You are such a help even half a country away. Thanking you again for your help and compassion. You are going to be ONE AWESOME NURSE!!! Blessings Becky

Deb: I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. I was just thinking the same thing about how my life has been shattered. I too was divorced with a 2 year old at the time and raised him by himself until age 8 when I met the love of my life. I know how to be independent and do things by myself. Been there, done it and too tired to do it again and not wanting to do it again. Divorce was different and easier, maybe because I was younger, maybe because I had to take care of my young son and it gave me a reason to get up and get going, now I have no reason that really matters to me. Hoping that will change. My husband would probably not like seeing me like this, he was a rebel and a fighter and always went against the grain. That is what I loved about him and why he were so good together. I am the opposite. Sorry for my rambling, just wanted you to know you that you are a great writer because I can certainly empathize with all your posts. Lonely and tired Becky

Wondering if I will make it to the one year. 3 months down and 9 more seems like eternity or unbearable. Becky

Another obstacle... tried to start my car and the battery is dead. This is something my husband would fix... but no husband now. I know nothing about batteries and don't want too. I am physicallly tired thinking about these things that took two people to run a household. My son and fiancee were here this weekend, and I love them dearly, but why why why does it not fill the void and hole that is there. I couldn't ask for a better son but he can't make the hurt and pain go away, and it pains him to see me like this, so you fake it. The jungle (back yard) needed trimming and I have no energy. Hired a landscape company to do it, $800.00 later and it still doesn't look that good. Now I have to worry and be on top of people trying to take advantage of the poor widow that knows nothing. Now what are my options in a small town? Do it myself, hire it done at $$$$ or let the jungle grow out of control. Don't like any of the options in front of me and I'm sure there are more of those out on the horizon. I booked a cruise for us after he got through his first bout of cancer, but we never got to go because the cancer came back with a vengence. The cruise company was kind enough to offer vouchers for a future cruise,but that never happened due to his illness and death. Now I have that to straighten out and see if I can get a refund or if a relative can go instead of him. Would love for his sister to go with me but sure I am dealing with an uphill battle. Of course we did not have travel insurance because nothing was going to keep us for celebrating his cancer recovery. Ha. Didn't happen.!!! I'm tired and lonely and just wondering when this is going to get better if ever. Feeling very overwhelmed with grief and lonliness today. Thanks for listening. Becky

Pink Pony: It is so good to know that I am not alone. You could not have said it better. I feel so much the same way. I get invited by friends and know that I can not stay locked up in my house alone, so I make myself go. So wanting to run away from the house where all the memories are, thinking it will be fine and then I can't wait to get back home in my little hut, safe and secure. I went to K.C. to my neices last weekend. Couldn't wait, she had some friends over, felt completely out of place ( my husband was so good in these situations) and wanted out of there. The point is where ever we go, whatever we do, it is with us. The grief, pain, suffering and memories go with us where ever we go. Hoping it will get better... it has got too. Thank god for this group who do get us and know what we are going through. Blessings Becky

Mary said it very quite well. I began working(or I should say vounteering, we are exchanging services) for a pet grooming parlor in the mornings. It gets me out of bed, up and for four hours a day I am dealing with pets and it is a very necessary distraction from my pain. The bonus, I get to take my two dogs with me to work. It really is a blessing even though the appeal of cleaning dogs rear ends has left, it gives me something to look forward to do and I get some laughs during the day. The owner, who wasn't necessarily a close friend, has become a ray of sunshine in my life. Who would of thought my dog groomer would be the person that gets me through this. She lets me cry when I need too, is there to hug me when needed and lets me take off when I have appt. etc. I think my husband would be pleased about it, as I had talked of maybe being interested in this when I retired. I know he is looking down on me and smiling. Sad, what I'm trying to say is that we are all too experienced in how loss is so painful and even the smallest human contact a few hours a day can ease the pain. We are all here to help each other and we all want to help you. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. We care. Blessing and peace Becky

Anybody else have those favorite dishes that your spouse loved and now you can't make it? Wow.... my husband loved my beef enchiladas with home made New Mexico red chile sauce and green chiles. I have not had that for a very long time so Ithought I would make it. It just was not a good day making and eating that w/o him there to enjoy it. I guess I will have to put that recipe at the bottom of the drawer. The memories are too painful now to make those dishes that he/we loved together. Guess I'll stick with eating a sandwich over the sink. No joy in eating meals any more. Becky

Dwayne: Gosh... you have had your share of bad events lately. I'm thinking that you will get this all behind you and things will start to be rosy red for you. I'll be saying my prayers for you and for that to happen. Hang in their buddy, it will turn around. Thinking of you and wishing you many bright sunshiny days ahead. Blessings Becky

Happy Birthday Dave and Mike! Enjoy your day and and I'm hoping it brings you comfort in spending it doing things in memory of Mike. May the day pass with kind gentleness for you. You have planned a wonderful tribute to Mike and smile today thinking of the wonderful memories you two had. Blessings Becky

Melina: You are a trooper and an inspiration to me. I have my son's wedding on the 23rd and I have a lot of anxiety about it. The being alone in the church pew in the front row alone, the fact that my husband isn't there to witness it, the memories, and the loneliness mixed in with the happiness I will feel for my son and daughter in law and wanting to participate in the celebration. I know I will have meltdowns and I am just trying to prepare for it and how to handle it. I'm so glad you got to go and participate and I'm sure you will feel better after the jetlag subdues. Kudos to you Melina. Blessings Becky

Dwayne: Thank you for sharing the photos of Pauline and the monkeys. They are so cute!! Becky

NATS: I am happy that you found Brenda and you have a new relationship, but I too have no intention of filling my life with another that is not my Randy. I'm not opposed to anyone finding happiness with another person or in a new relationship, but I know me and I know that is not the answer for me. I will surround myself with family and friends, volunteer work and my dogs until my meaningful purpose is identified. I have many friends that will fill that void, if possible. Best of luck to you and Brenda. Becky

Hugs to you Mary. I agree with you, I am still fairly young, 54, but have no desire to find another partner to spend my remaining years with. It would be difficult to settle after havng the BEST. I wonder so much if my life is just this; existing or if it will become more meaningful alone. And what do we do with this lonliness until we find our purpose? I am trying to keep busy and am doing some volunteering but it is only a temporary fix. Still feel pain and lonely. I was so excited last weekend to go to K.C. to spend a weekend with my neice and her two boys and shop for a dress for my son's wedding next month. I had a good time and enjoyed them, but as soon as I am there, I am wanting to be back home in my little lonely world and why? I think many times I try to run away from the pain and lonliness, only to find it follows me everywhere no matter where I am or who I am with. I am tried of the pain and lonliness and don't know how to rid my self of it. I am only 2 months into this grief, and I don't see how so many of you long termers can continue. I know time heals and it will get better but that sure doesn't help right now. Just feeling low today. Thanks for listening. Becky

I just got through reading a book written by a mother in KS. She tragically lost her only child, a daughter, age 17, after a botched toncilictomy. She grieved and did not want to live, as we all have. Her friend who lived out of state began receiving messages from the deceased daughter. A compelling story of love between our world and the afterlife, and their challenges of spirit communication. It is an uplifting story and makes me actually believe that our loved ones do speak or send signs to us and maybe through others. It is easy reading and a comforting theme for us who have lost loved ones. Love Never Ends by Connie Martin and Barry Dundas For you Jayhawkers, Connie Martin and her husband Mark are the owners of the Brookville Hotel (which is really a restaurant with the best fried chicken, coleslaw and creamed corn with home made biscuits that you can get.) Great food and a tourist must stop. I would be interested in any other readings that anyone has completed that may comfort and ease the pain. Becky

Dwayne: I hope and pray that you got through the day with gentle passing and memories of Pauline. Thinking of you. Becky

Kay: I am so sorry for your mishap. I am sending you big hugs and lots of well wishes for a fast recovery. Becky

Dwayne: Please pamper and nuture yourself. I agree that our immune systems are shot after long term caregiving. One week after Randy passed on 4/12/11 I wound up in the ER for kidney stones. Had surgery, then a bout of poison ivy after trimming the backyard. I fell one day after that, just walking and sprained by ankle. I had a mammogram on Monday and they called me back today for more pictures as something suspicious they are concerned with. I am trying to keep very good care of myself but the stress of 18 months of caregiving comes out in physical ways. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal, emotionally and physcially. Blessings Becky

Congratulations Brian. So happy for you. Believe in yourself. Blessings Becky

NATS: Thank you for your post. I have read it several times during this past week and I believe that what you said is very profound and I am going to change my way of thinking. My daily crying has been my pity party, my sadness, my loss. I believe that after reading your post that I have been very selfish. I want my husband here with me, but deep down I know that he was tired and in lots of pain, and probably the hardest part for him was to see me watching him fade away a little more every day. When I start getting on my pity pot I am going to remember that he is in a much better place now without pain and suffering and I am grateful for that. I have the memories and I am thankful for the 15 years I was with the love of my life. Some people never get to experience the kind of love we had their entire life. The rest of this journey of mine will be w/o him but I WILL meet up with him again. Thank you for your wisdom. Becky

I made it through another weekend. My son and future daughter in law came down for the weekend, along with her parents and grandmother. A friend hosted a couple's bridal shower for them. My son played in a golf tournament to benefit hospice and won 1st place. It was a lovely weekend with a lot of people around me which is always good. I am so thankful for the people and friends that I have in my life. It isn't the same as my spouse that I miss so much and it never will be the same; but I have friends and they have been there for me. They check on me daily, they invite me out, to their house, activities, etc. My spouse is no longer here and I have to find a new way to fill my life with purpose. I just have to allow my heart to open up and allow those individuals that care about me to comfort me and be there when I need them. I may not have a traditional family here close by, but I do have dear friends that I call my family. Blessings Becky