ksbeachbum

Dwayne: I can always count on you to cheer me up. Thank you for that. I wish I had more energy to get my mind in the right frame. My friend that I was taking to radiation and chemo passed away July 30th. I was at the hospital when she passed, along with her husband and daughters and family. It was a peaceful passing for her but was another loss in a short period of time. Her husband and I have been helping each other through this grief. They had been friends of mine for 25 years. It is helpful to have someone to lean on that is going through the same thing. He is about 4 blocks away, so we share meals together at times and he has been such a big help to me with household maintenance issues that come up. I am blessed to have him and of course all my friends here at HOV. I hope you are feeling better and on your way to nursing classes. I will say my prayers for you and keep my fingers crossed that your health issues are now behind you. Blessings and hugs Becky

Anybody else feel like they are living in limbo? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, but don't know exactly what that is. Haven't really done anything around the house since my spouse passed in April. We always did everything together, and maybe I am waiting for him to return to begin some projects that need attention. Need to clean out the storage shed we had rented, but that is something we would do together, so can't get motivated to do it. No joy in anything, but still waiting for something to happen. What???? Waiting for his return. My mind knows that won't ever happen, but the anxiousness is still there. Last night I spend the evening with friends. It was a pleasant evening, yet in limbo, something just not right, my spouse wasn't there or I wasn't suppose to be there without my spouse??? Why am I feeling this way and when will it stop? It is like a black cloud hanging over my head all the time. So missing him and so wanting to feel better. Wanting to feel whole again. Blessings Becky

Dave: Thinking of you on the 4th month anniversary and hoping it will pass with gentleness. It will be the 5th month anniversary for me on Monday, the 12th. Another milestone. Seems like yesterday, yet seems like eternity. Blessings Becky

Melina Your post could have been written by me, which is why I am seeing the grief counselor weekly. He says it is entirely normal, our brain is processing the death of our spouse and their is NO time frame for this. Our brain is preoccupied with grief and dealing with our loss. I am working part time for a friend dog grooming, (I am a retired court administrator) just so I will get out of bed. She will give me some instructions and I can not for the life of me retain any of it after the first sentence. I was never like this before. It is the grief, along with the fatigue and insomina. Allow yourself time, patience and kindness to get through it however long it takes. I finally told her I can not do what she wants me to do, just not comfortable without making a mistake. I will do what I believe I can do and do it well. That is all we can ask of ourselves with what we have had to deal with. Is it possible that you can cut back on your hours a little to allow you some time to process/rest? Thoughts and prayers to you. Blessings Becky

Beth: I wish I had a good answer for you. I also have had a similiar experience. I requested all the medical records from the cancer center on my husband all 18 months of it and all the volumes it held. I read it all and cried and cried. It is still setting here by my chair. I kept telling myself to rid of them but they are still here. I can not put myself through that again, it was horrific reading it, just like living it again. BUT I think I would like to have a symbolistic burn with them, thinking it might be theraputic to rid of them that way. No more memories of him in that terrible state. Wish you were here, we could have a community burn. Becky

Hooray for you Melina! We are women, we are strong!! Seriously, what a huge accomplishment and I am sure your husband is up there cheering you on. It is a two day drive to our Florida home through St. Louis and Atlanta traffic that scares me. I don't know if I am up for the challenge this winter, or if I am going to wimp out and have someone drive me down. My husband and I always shared the driving, but it was nice to have a navigator beside you. Anyway, a new first for you and you did it!!!! I am proud of you. Becky

Dwayne: Thoughts, prayers and lots of hugs for you. Please keep us informed and the power of prayer is a powerful thing and you have all of mine. Blessings Becky

Mary: What a beautiful poem and it speaks to all of us. I can so relate to the coffee. He loved getting up first to have the coffee ready for me and I so miss that. I miss the mornings with him, our time to conquer the world. The tears are flowing as I read it for the third time. Blessings Becky

Thank you for all the posts regarding this topic, guilt and regret, as that seems to be where I am stuck. I appreciate all the suggestions and I know that I will work through it. But all the comments about not to feel the guilt and regret just doesn't make it go away. Maybe in time. I did get some good suggestions from Marty's guilt article and will put it to work. In the mean time, another counseling appt. on Wednesday. Thanks to all of you for your support here. I don't know what I would do without this group.I know I would be in a very dark place without all of you. Hugs to all Becky

Dwayne: I know the old saying goes God won't give us more than we can handle but you have had MORE than your share. My husband used to say what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger, and I would say, I'm tired of being strong. I continue to send prayers your way and hope and pray for your health to improve. I wish I was closer to help. If you ever desire to return to KS I am a good caregiver. I have had plenty of experience. HA! I know we all have but sometimes the caregivers need to be taken care of and I now think it is your turn. Be patient and kind to yourself while you are trying to get healthy and don't be afraid to ask for help. I know you are good about that and I am sure Harry will be there for you if needed. Please know we will all be there for you on the emotionally and spiritual front when needed. I also hope and pray that you will make it safe and secure through Mother Nature's path. Please keep us informed when you feel up to it. Hugs and Prayers coming your way. Becky

Kenman1: I had to respond as I feel your pain and loss and I can't seem to get over the guilt and regrets. My husband passed 4 1/2 months ago after a 16 month battle with cancer. I was so busy coordinating dr. appts., meds, feeding tubes and formula, and all the other caretaking responsibilities that I forgot about taking care of his emotional needs. Why didn't I stop and talk to him, hold him more, snuggle with him more and be more attentive to him, particular in the end? Inteluctually, I know I did the best I could and I know he loved me but my head tells me I didn't do enough. I can't seem to move past that. I am seeing a grief counselor for some help with this. Unfortunately, I wish I could offer some words of wisdom for you, but I am still learning too. I have learned to be gentle with myself and just breathe. There is no easy way to go through this and they tell me to stay on the roller coaster of emotions, that we need to feel these things and we will better for it when we get to the end of the ride. I have to place my faith in what the experts say, because I am not wanting to feel the pain or ride the ride. Please know that we are here with you and are feeling the same pain. Blessings, Becky

Dwayne, Harry and Tammy and all you others in the path of Irene. My thoughts and prayers are with you and praying that Mother Nature will not reek havic on you this weekend. Prayers for you and your families safety and lack of major destruction. Blessings Becky

Marty: I am so sorry about your Beringer. My heart cries for you. I have a 14 year old basset hound that is also showing all the mental signs...but she is so physically healthy. I do not want to put her down but the incontinence and barking with seperation anxiety is overwehlming. Everyone says to not put her down after just losing my spouse so I keep her around despite the problems. She has been through so much with me. Anyway, please know your in my thoughts and prayers today and smile when you think of Beringer in his better years. Blessings Becky

I appreciate all the responses. It is reassuring knowing it is not just me but yet another symptom of the grieving. I have made an appt. with the grief counselor for Monday... so ready to move forward instead of being stuck where I seem to be. Thanks for all your support here. It is very much appreciated. Blessings Becky

I am having a horrible time with my concentration. Any one else have this? I can not seem to retain info or concentrate. I made a huge mistake grooming a dog yesterday. Wrong clipper, making this australian shepherd about bald. Had to seriously apologize to my boss. Lack of focus. Could not een charge the guy for it, it was so bad. Thank god the guy was understanding. I think I need to re evaluate my need/desire to work/volunteer part time. I realize this is her business and livehood and I don't need to be screwing it up for her. I have a call in to a grief counselor to get some help. The crying episodes are becoming more frequent. My husband died, my friend died, my sister and I have departed ways and are not communicating and I need to mentally prepare myself for putting my senile dog down. My son's wedding is over and I am crashing. I am stuck in the guilt phase of this grieving and blaming myself for everything and can't seem to move forward. Thanks for listening friends. Blessings, Becky

MARTY: The article is perfect. I am still learning and some of them are new to me and spoken with knowledge and experience, so I will take them with me and hopefully learn how to productively deal with my grief. Thank you so much and for also being here guiding us all through this difficult period in our lives. Blessings Becky

Things I am still learning,... and I am a slow learner 1) Be kind to yourself... Many of you have given that advise. We are so hard on ourselves with our own high expectations, regrets and guilt, etc. It is okay and don't be too hard on yourself. 2) Ask for help. Most people will respond favorably when we tell them we need help, be that emotional support, some maintenance thing that our spouse did and we do not know how, or in my case I just asked a friend for his hedge trimmers and I trimmed bushes etc. because the trimmers my husband had is way too heavy for me to use. Yes... it felt good to get out and do something physical. But also support groups, counseling and even seeing your physican for some help if needed.I had to do that early in this journey to get some much needed sleep. 3) Don't try to avoid the tunnel of darkness. Unfornately, to get through the grief you have to go through the darkness to see the light. Avoidance by many things does not make it go away. Sitting alone and crying is a must to a healthy recovery. (so I'm told... I am learning) 4) Time and patience. That is a hard one as we want the pain to be short lived and go away now. God will give us the strength to endure. Back to #1... be kind to yourself and don't expect too much too fast. 5) You are not alone. Even when it seems like we all have our loved ones with us in spirit, this board is always here 24/7 for help and companionship. Use it if necessary, it helps. 6) Contribute somewhere or to someone. If that is work, volunteering, helping someone in need, etc. It will make you feel better to be productive. I am vounteering part time and am exhausted when I get home but am glad that I am getting out. Hope this helps someone. As I said, I am still learning. Becky

Happy Anniversary Dwayne and Pauline. I will enjoy a day in KS for the two of you. It is a beautiful day here today.... perfect 70 degrees, sunny and no wind. You don't get perfect days in KS often. Your post brings tears to my eyes, as you are such a sensitive and compassionate person. Pauline was so lucky she found you and you two had so many great years together. My thoughts are with you today and I hope you are recovering at lightning speed. Blessings to you Becky

It has been four months since my spouse passed away from cancer. It feels like yesterday, it feels like an eternity. Still feeling a hole in my stomach, heart and body. Always feeling restless like I am waiting for something, maybe for him to walk through the door. I don't know. Brief times of smiles and happiness, but then I always come back to he is not here and I am alone. The lonliness is unbearable at times, even when the room is full of people. I had a friend tell me yesterday that I still talk about him in the present tense, like he is still here. Did not know I did that but denial I guess is very strong. Maybe talking about him in the present tense makes it seem less real. Don't know... only hoping it gets better. Thinking maybe if I begin to feel better, I might forget him and I don't want that to happen. Are we our own worse enemy in this grieving? Becky

Hi Earl and welcome to this group. I lost my husband four months ago today from a 16 month battle with cancer. He had throat cancer and we thought we beat it only to find out 4 months later he had sinus cancer. It was a tough ugly battle.The cancer took his left eye, his hearing and eventually made it's way into the brain. We also had no tragedies in our family, until 2004 when my nephew, age 13, hung himself in his closet. My sister's only child. 2006 my 59 year old brother died of a heart attack while driving to work. 2008 my dad died of congestive heart failure. I told my husband after we got through the throat cancer that we were good because we got through 2010 with no deaths, as it seems to happen every other year. Well... he passed away in April 2011. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I'm not going to lie.. it doesn't. It gets different but not better. Crying episodes out of no where, tidal waves of grief. Still feeling numb at times and still feeling like the world is moving and I am not. Mornings are the worst for me, as that was our time together, coffee, newspaper and disussing and solving the world's problems together. I so miss that. You are still cooking and baking. We also did that together. I tried making his favorite enchildadas by myself but wound up eating by myself and crying. Did not get any joy out of it. My meals now consist of eating something over the sink or in front of the television. I envy the ones that get messages or signs from their loved ones. I have not had any dreams or anything. Some say I am looking too hard as they are subtle. Some say that the grief is too painful and it will happen when some of it subsides. I wish I could hear his voice or get some kind of signs. Anyway Earl, welcome to our group and I hope it will give you some comfort. Blessings Becky

Dave: Thought of you yesterday many times and wondered how you got through the day. Friday will be 4 months for me without Randy. Seems like yesterday yet seems like an eternity! Glad you did something constructive, I have the thoughts but can't seem to get motivated to actually do it. Just wondering when the numbness will go away and the crying will stop and I will feel like I fit into the world again, if ever. Thinking of you, Becky

Kay: Sending you thoughts and prayers and hoping you will soon be on the mend and in no more pain. Becky

Deb: You are a excellent writer and we share so many similiarities in our past. I too had/have trust issues from a previous marriage. Randy was upfront about his feelings for me early on and I did everything to push him away, but he wasn't going anywhere. We kindly and amusingly refered to it as him working me. He did and it worked for 16 years. He also was a strong man, never complaining about the cards we were dealt and always trying to lighten up the moment with his humor. I so miss his big belly laugh. Not sure about the pieces being put back together. Maybe, but not the way they should be. I feel like it would be a puzzle where you try to make them fit but it should doesn't fit right. Bob would want you to go on, live a happy life and take what you learned from him and spread it around. Pay it forward. That is the only thing that keeps me going. Again, keep the posts coming, your writings make me reflect on what our union was all about and how I can keep his honor and memories alive. Blessings Becky

Mary: So glad you are on the mend. I missed you on here. Your insightfulness and wisdom have been of great value and comfort to me. Glad you are back and don't go far. I need you. I am sure that you and Bill were a great team of mental health professionals and you are still working it. He would be proud. Thanks for all you do here. Blessings Becky