ksbeachbum

My friend that had cancer died today. I received a phone call from her husband at 7:00 this morning. She had a bad night and was in the ER. I went up and stayed with him and their two daughters until she passed at 11:45 a.m. I cried and grieved with them. I am wondering if I was crying and grieving for me over my loss of my spouse 3.5 months ago or for them and their loss, or both. I felt like I was right back living that dreadful day that occured 3.5 months ago the day that my spouse died. I am glad I could help him and the family. I knew she was getting worse and suggested to him that he start taking his FMLA from work so he could be with her. He was trying to conserve this vacation and sick leave to be with her later at the end. I told him he needed to take it now. He listened and had been home with her for the past two weeks. He is grateful and thankful for my help. I am glad I could help the family. Why did I feel the need to get so involved with this friend and family and how did I get in so deep? He knew I was in too deep and suggested that I back out a little. I couldn't, but why? The loss and helplessness is with me all over again. This is a set back for me. I felt the need to "get it right" this time but why? I told her earlier that it would be beneficial for her and the family if she could open up and talk about her impending death and they did. She, her husband and daughters had a very emotional and beautiful talk about her death and her wishes. It was not the white elephant in the room like it was with me and my husband. I feel grateful for that but sad for me. Feeling so bad today!! Becky

Dwayne: I am so sorry all this is happening to you, but you are handling it all so well with the help of your guardian angel Pauline. I am praying for things to turn around for you. Sometimes we wonder if these things are some kind of test for us, of how much we can endure. Well my friend, you have passed the test and now I say it is time for all good things to come for you. Thoughts and prayers coming your way. Blessings Becky

Pam: I am so sorry for your losses. I would agree with you on the loss of your father, I lost mine a year ago and my spouse Randy was there for me more than ever. We spent 8 months driving 2 hours each way on weekends to go through family things to have an auction. My family, grandparents and parents lived in this house for 60 years. It was a huge loss, but no where near the loss of my spouse 4 months ago. Maybe because not living with a parent does not affect our daily routine as much as living with our parents. My husband fought cancer for 16 months. He had throat cancer and we thought we beat it. He was back to playing golf, etc. for 4 months when they diagnosed sinus cancer. That was a horrific experience for both of us and he was in lots of pain. I still have the visions of him those last few days. A psychologist told me that these images began to fade in 3 to 4 months and I agree that the good memories are starting to reappear. Anyway, he was much to young to die as was your husband. Welcome to this group and I hope we all can help you. Blessing to you, Becky

Hi Folks: I thought I would give you the update of my son's wedding in western Kansas. A huge church wedding, about 400 guests, a sit down formal dinner for the reception, a dance and Sunday morning brunch. It was beautiful and I loved every bit of it. It was a huge plus when I asked my high school friend Connie to be with me. She was wonderful and seemed to take on the role of my personal attendant, family photographer and driver. The entire family was in awe. It really helped me and kept me upbeat and happy. No tears, or if so, only tears of joy. My son got kind of teary eyes and I reassured him that Randy is with us. He carried a white rose and laid it on the alter in honor of my husband, his stepdad. Randy's mother and all his siblings and family came for the wedding and I was so happy about that and getting to spend time with them in a celebration. We all needed that. Randy's mom, (my son's step grandmother) was right there on the front row with me and in all the grandparent pictures. It was wonderful and I have such a great son and daughter in law. I truly am blessed. I even enjoyed visiting with my ex-husband!!! How is that for a great event? For all of your info, my first husband's name was Randy as was my second husband and the love of my life. It always makes for a good story and a lot of family confusion. After all the activity and finally getting home last night I crashed and wound up in tears. The letdown, but I felt fine today. I was to start my group support tonight but I am exhausted and hopefully I can merge into the group next week. Thank you all for your positive encouragement for this wedding. I did make it and I know I can make it. Blessings Becky

Thoughts prayers and hugs to you Dwayne. Glad to hear eveything went well. Now for the speedy recovery. Becky

OK Folks: I am off to celebrate my son's wedding on Saturday in western Kansas. Festivities start tonight. I am hoping and praying I can get through this with joy and celebration. I know my spouse would want that for our son as I do. I do have an exit plan if the sorrow and tearfulness creeps in.... oh yeah, it doesn't creep, it comes on full throttle without notice. I am hoping I will be fine, as last weekend was very hard for some reason, so my thought is I have it out of my system for awhile and I will be totally engaged in wedding celebration. I am having a dear high school girlfriend sit with me in the parents row during the ceremony and throughout the weekend so I won't be there by myself. You all have a good weekend and I will report back on Monday hopefully with a report that it all went fine and I had the time of my life. Blessings Becky

Marc: I am hoping that your day today will be filled with special memories and smiles of your time on earth with Lisa. Wishing for a peaceful gentle day for you. Becky

Dwayne: I will be with you in thoughts and prayers, particularly on your surgery date of Monday. So glad you got it scheduled so you can finally get this behind you and began to heal and look forward to your nursing classes and career. What a speck of bright light knowing you have a plan. Pauline would be so proud of you. I only wish God would provide me with a purpose. Until then I will continue helping my friend with cancer and grooming dogs part time for something to do. I have met some remarkable people in the dog grooming business. Maybe that is what is suppose to happen for now. Best of luck to you and I will check back with you after your surgery. I will be leaving tomorrow for my son's wedding. I had a couple days of crying and feeling sorry for myself, so I think I am cleansed and ready to celebrate his special day. Thinking and praying for you. Mary: Hoping and praying you are on to a speedy recovery. My thoughts and prayers will be with you also. Take care of yourself my friend. Blessings Becky

Tammy: Thank you for sharing the photos. I'm so glad the day went well for you. The quilt is awesome and the bonfire huge. Jeff would be proud and honored. So glad it was a good day for you and hoping you have many more ahead of you. You are an inspiration. Blessings Becky

Harry: All the comments are correct. You are competitive and a go getter I can tell. But you have had some major changes in your life with the loss of your Jane and a huge change by your retirement. I retired 10 days before Randy was diagnosised with the cancer. 16 months of caring for him, dr. appt. chemo, radiation, etc. now I am here with no one and nothing and trying to define who and what I am. I was an administrator and the stress was high but I had a purpose and hopefully made a difference. That is now gone and I need to find out what my purpose is now. That is a hard one. Always being active and so much on my plate and now way too much time on my hands, but that is what is needed. Physically, mentally and emotionally. A major slowdown to figure it all out. I don't know about you but alone time is hard, memories, tears and lonliness. But I know that I need to go through the darkness of the tunnel before I see the light again. So... My thoughts are bring it on. Slow down and smell your flowers and enjoy your hummers and cry your heart out. It is okay and needed. Blessing and peace to you Becky

Tammy, what a perfect couple you and Jeff were. The tribute was beautiful and the tears were flowing as I was watching it. Here's hoping and praying that your day is filled with all you hoped it would be. May it be filled with great memories and smiles and gentleness all day long. Thinking of you Becky

Good morning: Last night my spouse's younger brother and family were to stay the night on their way to Illinois to visit family. They stayed about two hours and I arranged a for a motel room for them down the road. Said they weren't tired and wanted to get down the road further. Later Brian called and said he was having a hard time in my house without Randy being there. I said welcome to my world. I also have a hard time with it but it is reality. My only sister that lost her 13 year old to suicide used to call these people "deathaphobs". People that don't want to be around you because it is reality slapped in their face that their family member isn't here anymore or maybe you give out death vibs. I don't know. Yesterday was an emotional day for me and maybe I scared them off with that. He gave me a big hug from him and a bigger hug from Randy. He said he got a message from Randy to make sure he hugged me. Of course that brought on the flood of tears. I feel badly but I understand. I hope it won't be this way between his family and me for very long. Sorry about these kind of posts. I vowed to only write positive stuff on here, but some days it is exceptionally hard to find it. I will try to do better this week with my upcoming son's wedding. Blessings and peace Becky

Randy's younger brother, who is also in remission from throat cancer, stopped by today. It was so good to see him and his family, but very emotional. Many talks of Randy, bringing many tears to the surface again. He chooses to remember the good and happy times , I just miss them all. HE feels Randy with him, I feel only emptiness and loneliness. There are times it is good, but today not so much. So glad I got to see them but wish it would of been a better emotional day for me. Maybe I am getting the sadness out of my system now so I will be in a better state for my son's big wedding next weekend. I hope and pray I can get through this in the manner that he deserves from his mother. Becky

Good morning Dwayne: I am doing okay, but the friend with the cancer has spiraled me downhill. I am exhausted. The same feeling I had in the last days before Randy's passing. She is now back in the hospital with breathing problems. Lung cancer and now spots showing up on the liver. Her husband finally decided to take FMLA unpaid at work so he is with her now. I am glad so I can be relieved somewhat. Randy's brother and wife will be stopping by and spending the night with me. I am the free motel room for the relatives between Colorado and Illnois. I don't mind, in fact very glad to see them and have the company. I started going through the garage yesterday and the tears started flowing. Randy's workbench, tools and items on it, like he was going to return and finish a project. Somebody wants to buy the hot tub and I don't have a clue about it, because he took care of it. It is one pump or two, don't know, all questions are don't know. My son gets married next Saturday in Goodland so I am looking forward to that and hoping my energy level will improve before then. So much to do and no energy. A happy occassion is definitely needed and welcomed. The heat is unbearable. It is to be over the 100's until at least next Thursday. Rain this morning, much will make it a very HUMID day in Kansas. Hoping you are doing well. Wishing for a gentle and good day for you and all others. Thanks for checking it me. It is so nice to have this site. You are a good friend. Blessings Becky

Tammy: That is a wonderful idea. I have not had the energy to clean out Randy's clothes yet, but you give me new strength and desire now. That is absolutely what I am going to do, a memorial quilt. Thank you. Blessings Becky

Tammy My heart goes out to you approaching a year without your partner. I can only imagine, at 3 months yesterday, the pain is still very real and at times unbearable. I guess we have to be blessed that we had them in our lives for as long as we did, even though we don't think it was long enough. You got to experience the true meaning of love with a partner that felt the same way about you, that is HUGE and not everyone on this earth gets to experience that. Hoping the memories will bring smiles to your day and that the day will be a gentle one for you. Thinking of you Becky

Lynne: I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my husband to sinus cancer April 12th. It was horrific to watch a healthy active 54 year old wilt away. The cancer took his left eye, his hearing and eventually entered the brain. He was in hospice care for 4 days before he passed. I was in total denial, thinking we would beat it but the odds were against it. He was in so much pain, that it really was a blessing. But the reality still gives me knots in my stomach. Please know that this is a great support group and has been my lifeline for the past few months. Please post your feelings and allow members to help you. My prayers are with you Lynne. Blessings Becky

Harry: No doubt you will have a change in your life after so many years of teaching. You are on a new road and a meaningful one with your involvment in the Relay for Life and Walking with Jane. Your post regarding teaching was inspiring and my son is a second year high school teacher. I am going to send him your post. I am so impressed that after all the years you have taught that you have not become jaded and still believe that you can make a difference with young students. Thank you for that and I hope my son can stay that way. Thanks again for your positive outlook. Blessings Becky

Hi Guys: Thanks for the posts and the comments. Yesterday was an exhausting day. Three month anniversary since by spouse passed. Did my normal work for 4 hours in the a.m. and then had to pick up my friend and drive to Salina for her MRI and DR. appt. She has more spots on the lungs and now the liver. Not Good. More meds so then a trip to the pharmacy. Again, small rural community, so onward to a couple of pharmacies because one did not have what she needed. Then I had to get her something for dinner. Got her settled in, then picked up my dogs and home by 8:00 and to bed. Very exhausting, especially the mental part. I'm feeling like I was right before my husband died. Very overwhelmed, helpless and hopeless. BUT I will continue to help when and where I can as I could not live with myself if I abandoned the family and my friend now. I am strong and will get through this, just not liking it much. Thanks to all of you for your help, you are all a lifeline for me. Dwayne, thanks for checking on me. Dave, weather is HOT. Been over 100 and the humidity is high. They said Wichita was 104 but with the humidity the heat index was 140. Tell your mom I don't know a Sharon Criss but I will check with some of my friends that have been around forever, they may recognize the name. Maybe a different last name now. As my husband used to say, it is a small world, just wouldn't want to paint it. Thanks again to all and keep posting. I need it. Blessings to all Becky

Hi Folks: Just a question I keep asking myself. A friend of mine has terminal cancer and I have been there to take her to dr. appts, chemo, radition and lab works. She is not doing well. My husband died of cancer 3 months ago today. Being a part of this is putting me back into the emotional stress and the roller coaster ride. Are we keeping busy with all this stuff to avoid dealing with our grief? I keep wondering who in their right mind would jump back into another situation that I was in for 18 months. Because it is familiar to us, because we don't want to face and deal with our grief or is it truly that we care and want to help other hurting individuals? Any way, am I moving forward or backwards? This is much harder than I thought. Blessing and hoping for a good day for all of you. 3 months and an eternity ago Becky

Mary: So sorry you have to experience such a butthead BUT I will have to give the guy a pass. I think I used to be one of those type of people looking back. Sometimes you have so much on your plate it just has to come out somewhere. Before my spouse got sick, I was commuting 45 miles each way, 90 miles a day. My sister and father were having health issues and I was 3 plus hours away. I was responsible for 40 employees in a court system, and we didn't have enough employees to do the job and of course no money plus dealing with many independent judges. Stress was high for all kinds of reasons and I felt like I didn't have enough time in the day to do what I really needed to do... take care of family. I felt trapped and had to stay until my first opportunity at retirement. I had 31 years invested, hard to walk away. I was not as patience with people as I should have been because of too much on my plate. Now that I am on the other side of this... I hope God can forgive me for that and some of my actions. Many times we just need to slow down and define our priorities. I didn't, BUT I am now. Hoping it isn't too late. Feeling regrets today. Blessings Becky

Hi Deb: I am so sorry for your losses. How devestating to lose two of the most important people in your life so close together. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I think you are in the right place with this support group. It has been a lifeline for me. I lost my husband to cancer 3 months ago. It seems like an eternity. I retired in 12/09 to care for him during his treatment. Now I have all this free time on my hands in this house alone. I try to keep busy. My old secretary, when I was working, has lung cancer. I take her to chemo appt. radiation appt and her labs, take meals to her and her husband and help when I can. They are grateful and it makes me feel like I am doing something useful for someone. They know my pain and have seen me cry daily. I have been working for a friend that has a pet grooming business (or I should say volunteering, we are bartering for services). I found that I can smile and laugh even if it is briefly, staying busy keeps me distracted from the realization that my spouse is not here and I am alone. I cry daily but I believe that we all have to make our way through the tunnel of darkness with this grief before we can see light on the other side. This group with help. Best of luck to you and I'm glad you found this group. Blessings Becky

Dwayne: I am so sorry for your medical issues, but it is not unusal for a caregiver after caring for so long and the stress of losing our loved one. I had a kidney stone 2 weeks after Randy passed. I had to strain my urine for the stone and it was wetched in so tight and I wasn't going to pass it. I had surgery to remove it and a stent in for two weeks. After removal of the stent I felt fine. I am hoping and praying that this surgery will cause you relieve and you can go on to pursue your nursing education. As for your helping your friend Greg, I can only say that I felt the need to "give back" after Randy's passing. My old secretary has terminal lung cancer and her husband is trying to keep working for the insurance and has almost no sick or vacation time left. I have stepped in and have taken her to daily radiation in Salina, chemo therapy treatments and labs twice a week. Last night I went over to their house and helped pay bills and balance their checkbook. He is so exhausted from doing everything along with working that paying bills wasn't getting done. They are so greatful but it has helped me too. I guess we all have the need to be needed. So continue doing what you are doing. You are an inspiration. It is helping Greg and Donna and it is beneficial to your healing also. Continued prayers for you Dwayne and you will get through this. God has plans for you. Blessings Becky

My husband LOVED golf. My entire family also plays golf. I am the only one that does not. A couple of years ago, my husband bought me a set of golf clubs with a pink golf bag. He heard me make a comment that I would like to play when I retired. He bought that for me because he wanted us to play together. I never used them or learned to golf. I then retired. 10 days after I retired from the court system my husband was diagnosed with cancer and so the journey began and 18 months later, it ended sadly. I went out to the shed for something yesterday only to find the club golf set that he bought me,that I never used or we never got to play together. I made a vow to myself that I will learn to play golf and play with these clubs that he bought for me. I know he would be proud of me and I would feel like I am playing with him, because I KNOW he is playing some serious golf up there in Heaven. It is something to hold on too. Tired and lonely Becky

You are so right about God making things happen. I had been through a divorce and was single raising my child for 8 years when Randy came into my life. I almost pushed him away, but we got along so well that I decided it needed a trial run. We were together 15 years. God put us together. You always hear that you have to work at a marriage. Well, ours there was no work, it just was... wonderful every day. Really no fights, disagreements, we were always one and not whole without the other. Which is why this is so difficult. You are an inspiration to me Dwayne and I appreciate you lifting me up when needed. Thank you for sharing a picture of you and Pauline together. Beautiful and you guys look like you were meant to be together. By the way, I got the battery for the car and my neighbor is going to put it in the car tonight. I am fortunate that we/I have two vehicles. So I am not stranded and friends are always there to help. I just have a hard time asking for help. I have to learn to reach out when I need it. I'm working on it. Thanks Dwayne, you have been a lifesaver for me today. The day is improving. Hoping I can do the same for you too. Becky