dave s

Hi there, as a Rn I know that meds can be benficial for some and not for others.....I have found them not good for me, but recommend them for others! I do caution you to not go through your md but to followuo with a Psychiatrist, for I believe that a family doctor doesnt possess the knowledge appropriate to prescribe such..TAKE CARE! dave p.s. after this horroble experience in my life have found, that my spelling and typing has gone to heck...guess the least of my worries....

Hi was thinking about you! I can imagine how you feel about the weekends, I feel the same about everyday, so far.....I come home to our home that we put together and i get nauseated....this house seems so cold.....and can imagine what it is like in rural ks...jayhawker here, born in manhattan, family from ellsworth,pratt and kc area. I currently live in rural az, outside phoenix, and have been blessed with family,friends, and animals that wont let me stay alone to long.....I realy dont have a good answer for your position though, just wanted to say hello and i am thinking about you...dave

Thanks for all of the replies, this post and replies has given me alot of comfort for TODAY......may tomorrow be as kind.......dave

have seen many ups and downs with my journey.....usually downs...as i know everyone has...it has been 1 month and a day...am feeling kinda foolish now....Mike never wanted to be put on life support.....I as a nurse know that a great many people are "tortured" witht eh family prolonging the inevitable...... and yet when I was told he was septic ( a massive infection in the blood stream ) I immediately stated there is no hope....we are going to pull care and place in hospice......why do i feel so guilty....i did the best i could with the knowledge that I possess....I lovedhim soo much that i couldnt place him in that position....I am haunted by the memory of rolling him out to the ambulance to take him to hospice...he stated will you stay with me until i go home.....was it home with me or did he know what was really happening.........I stayed with him until the end.... 3 days later.... i jknow that I did the right thing but emotionally .......feeling sad for me

KayC, feeling better today for awhile, just hope i dont shut down my heart so I wont have the opportunity to dance again....

mfh, thxs finding myself feeling better the next day after verbalizing the hell I am in, enjoying the birds, my nephew and only a few tears today..dave

Today is the day I lost Mike 1 month ago exactly, all say it has gone fast, i maintain that it feels like a lifetime. I have reached the anger phase for the past 3 days, mad at Mike for not taking better care of himself, mad at mike for not listening to me, and following up with the doctor, as i believe that if he had this wouldnt have reached this point....mad at his upbringing that was an alcholic unsupportive environment that never showed love, mad at myself for falling in love and therefore recieving a broken heart....mad at god for allowing this to occur....wishing I could cry right now as it would feel better than this anger.....how do i deal with this anger, Mikes favorite birds showed up this am at my kitchen window, was sort of a peace sign from him, he needs to do more! I feel so betrayed for losing him, I feel so angry at the lost dreams and memories....What am suppose to learn from this tragedy? all my memories right now are clouded with his illness, death, and this month of grieving....occasionally I remember a good moment, smile... and then get so angry knowing that there will be no more....Am i in a normal state right now.....I have no idea, dont know what to trust in my emotions anymore...

I was doing ok then a tsunami of grief just hit,had to take a break from work and cry...think iam ok now dave

Enjoyed a fabulous day with Mikes family yesterday, I was dreading taking care of business, giving them pics etc...but they are such wonderfull people, we laughed ate and shed very few tears, and left feeling such love and support. I went home and had a nice evening, got up and went to work, smiling when i remembered Mike....it s day 28...although it feels like a lifetime....since I last saw him, I dont know while I am smiling and yet feel so sick inside how could this have happened, how could this have happened to such a beautifull man who was only 45! And yet how did this happen to me, how does this happen to any of us? God has got some explaining to do!!

Was at the ranch today where my very good friends took my horses ( thank god they did couldnt handle them and do what I needed to do here) and Nikki walked up and said " Dave I am so sorry for what you have been going through with Mike, youa re such a strong and brave man" hugh? really ?I am that strong? i feel so weak and really out of control, my heart is broken, i function, had a nice day in the garden, did what i could at my own pace, spoke with my 5 yr old nephew who always makes me smile, who asked that i plan to come see him soon because he wants us to have a lemonade stand this summer,love that boy more than my own life but dont know when i will get the energy to drive to denver to see him...God why do you drive me crazy one day give me a "nice day" then ruin it with the kind words of a friend???? yes it is day 26 i am always in control...not ..so much positives but but yeas i am in the tornado of the grieve scale

Today is a new day......I dont feel good about getting on with my day....but know all to well that if I force myself to get up I usually start feeling better...Spoke with my sisiter-in-law about handling all the business tomorrow told her i wasnt up to it, she suggested we wait,my reply was I wont feel any better about it next week or the next so would rather get through this milestone asap, she is so wonderfull, and will always be a part of my life!as for being a nurse, after working full time and caring for Mike fulltime....have realized I have np more to give to my patients....My boss has suggesed that I become the triage nurse, for awhile at least until I can focus more....really am lucky!Part of my life that was so important to Mike and I was our garden, of course it stopped being the priority with his illness and needs some tlc plan on spending some time at my own pace today on it and actually am excited about doing it, which i think is a good sign! while typing it just occured to me that Mike before he died stated "always think of me when you are taking care of the garden" it is so crazy the things I am remebering now, and actually am getting goose bumps talking about it now...I actually feel his presence and am smiling!

AGAIN WHAT A DAY GOT HOME FROM WORK... TO FIND THE NEIGHBORS TAKING CARE OF MY FLOWERS! Watering all and pruning.... so lucky! have so much love and support, felt foolish because i just broke down crying..Currently I FEEL LIKE@#$#% BUT THAKFULL NEEDED TO WORK TOMORROW BUT KNOW i NEED SOME TIME SO CALLED OFF FROM WORK......LUCKY THEY ARE UNDERSTANDING......

sorry you had another test in life, I live in wittmann, what kind of work do you guys do? Will keep my ears open to any jobs. dave

Thanks....right now i hope it gets busy around here so i can forget this for a sec. in the meantime I am practicing the breathing techniques that the counselor advised......they actually does seem to help a bit...

It is day 25 since Mike died, have had days of not being able to get out of bed, but was able to force myself to get up and felt better, have had days when i wanted to forget about him and get rid of all his belongings, I slept on it and found that I actually wanted his belongings with me, I have had days mixed with laughter and crying, and actualy 2 days where I felt alive, today unfortunately i do not.....This week the bereavement counseling started, it was wonderfull, I attended a grief support group last night, and his family wants to meet with me this weekend to sign over his car to me.....as crazy as it seems i dont want to do it yet.....for it will mean that it is no longer Mikes car......it seems so final and yet i know it is final....I cant cry i cant smile,feel that i am sinking into a funk, am at work right now and feel that i cant deal with anyone, which is not good since i am a nurse! My coworkers are all so supportive they see the look on my face and are concerned trying to help me smile, i love them all but want them to stop! I want life to get back into a routine, but it wont for a long time....I feel physically ill and yet know it is all emotions and feel that I am going crazy! I am taking today 15 minutes at at time.... Well for some reason writing this note seems to have helped for a sec. better get back to work.....

Hi Dwayne, feeling hopefull for today, since I have been doing alot of reading of others stories and feelings, feels just like what I am feeling....best of luck in Nursing School, funny that fate leads us into different directions after something like this.....your entering Nursing School because of your experience, I am certain you will do well!!....and due to my experience I am leaving the Nursing Profession after 20 yrs! Thks for the support and reply dave

HI I also am a newbie to this site, have just lost my spouse 3 wks ago today, Mike was my everything, and never thought i would be widowed at the age of 46.I also feel that i have lived a lifetime of sorrow in only 3 weeks, my friends and family have all been wonderfull and supportive, but they fortunately have not gone through what i am going through they get to go about their lives, while i get to go home to my life that was.....and try to rebuild. Fortunately, the grief counselor is coming to my home this week, hope she will tell me that actually i am doing this grieving in a healthy manner.I find great comfort in subtle signs from nature, since his favorite birds are showing up at the house all the time, out of the blue! I have also found the greatest help, when the cook at work came to me telling me that she understood everything I was talking about as she also is a widow....Finally am feeling the energy to get out and do everyday things, although tire easily....but hate it when a favorite song comes on the radio and have to pull off the road and cry....or when i find a lone sock of his show up in the wash...or when I turn down the wrong road to get home.I pray that this profound pain will ease for all of us.....I know it will take time, wish we had a switch to just shut it off..