dave s

Becky....so sorry about your day...thinking of you.....dave

HEY GREAT!! SO GLAD IT WAS SUCH A POSITIVE EXPERIENCE GOOD FOR YOU! AND IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD TO SMILE FOR YOU! DAVE

thinking of you today hope all is well! Dave

Interesting article lost George a 12 yr old,handsome blue merle aussie shephard 3 yrs ago to what we thought was cancer, he decompensated rapidly.....this explains it. Dave

Pam, soo sorry about your losses and the tough summer you are having to endure...as Mary has said you have joined a group that none of us asked to join, but really does offer hope, support, advice on living with our terrible losses. tomorrow marks the 11th week since I have lost Mike. I am still very raw in this process...still trying to sort out all my emotions but still find wonderfull support and encouragement here. Thinking of you...Dave

Dear Mary, so glad you are getting " stronger" and have plans to get out of the house. I also am realizing the extreme importance of balancing everything in my life and make sure i get some alone time, but not too much. We,I am realizing this is one of the best ways to be good too myself. Do find that the more time i have on my hands just to think also brings out some of the worthless guilt I have had to suffer through, I do believe as I have said before, guilt serves no positive purpose, and yet it still does haunt me if I dont watch out! I have gratefully noticed recently that the anger that i had for Mike in his dismal last days has started to dissipate and the good times are coming through clearer in my memory bank.....which is helpfull. Just wish my strenght would return, today is better ,able to keep down food and actually have some appettite...Please cont to take care and dont over due getting out of the house. thinking of you ! Dave

LYNN HEY IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK FEEL FREE TO SEND ME AN EMAIL AND THANKS FOR THE REPLY. DAVE

HAVE BEEN SO INVOLVED IN MY GRIEF THAT I HAVENT WATCHED OR LISTENED TO THE NEWS....WOW THIS HORRIBLE MY HEART GOES OUT TO THE THE VICTIMS AND THEIR FAMILIES....DAVE

LOOKING BACK ON THE LAST 6 MONTHS OF MY LIFE, IT IS A WONDER THAT I CAN STILL FUNCTION.....AFTER DATING MIKE FOR SOMETIME I FINALLY "CAVED TO" HIS MULTIPLE REQUESTS TO MOVE IN WITH ME.......I FINALLY THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT IDEA TO START OUT THE NEW YR THIS WAY, DESPITE THE FACT THAT MIKE ON DEC 2 (STRANGE THAT I CAN REMEMBER SOME DATES SO WELL) CAME TO ME CRYING STATING "I DONT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA THAT WE DO THIS AND MAYBE WE SHOULD BREAK UP AS I COULD BE DEAD IN A YR AND YOU WILL BE DEPRESSED AND WILL BE CRYING WHEN YOU COME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOUSE" MY STATEMENT TO HIM WAS WHAT THE @#$% YOU LOOK GREAT, AND THERE IS NO GUARANTEE i COULD BE KILLED IN A CAR WRECK OR WHATEVER, AND I WANT TO COME HOME TO YOU......THIS SEEMED TO COMFORT HIM...FUNNY THAT HE KNEW........EVEN STRANGER THAT I CHANGED EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR MIKE, EVERYTHING! AND NOW AM GLAD I DID... ON JAN 1 I STARTED CLEANING OUT THE HOUSE PAINTING, GETTING RID OF MY FURNITURE, AND REPLACING FLOORING, IWAS SO EXCITED, TIRED, AND SO NERVOUS WHEN THE MOVERS BROUGHT MIKES FURNITURE ON 1/17/11. I WAS SO EXCITED TO COME HOME AFTER WORK THAT DAY AND WAS AMAZED THAT EVERYTHING WAS IN ITS PLACE AND MIKE WAS SO PROUD, AND SO WAS I! LIFE WAS GREAT! THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED..WERE THE BEST OF MY LIFE IT WAS SUCH A GREAT FEELING TO BE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME....AND YET WE HAD OUR PROBLEMS....HE BEGAN TO EXHIBIT STRANGE OUT THE NORM MOOD SWINGS.....WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT HE WOULD LEAVE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS AND RETURN APOLOGETIC AND MAKE EFFORTS TO CHANGE THEN IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN, AND THE SCENARIO WOULD REPEAT ITSELF, I WAS LOST, I WAS AND STILL AM IN SO MUCH LOVE WITH HIM WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BESTFRIEND! I REPEATEDLY TRIED TO GET HIM TO GO TO A DOC, HE REFUSED AND THEN THE ABDOMINAL PAIN AND JAUNDICE STARTED, HE STILL WOULDNT GET HELP UNTIL I LITERALLY HAD TO DRAG HIM OUT TO THE HOSPITAL....AT THIS POINT HIS LIVER WAS END STAGE ( AND LEARNED THAT HIS MOOD SWINGS WERE A SYMPTOM OF SUCH ) AND WE WERE GIVEN 6 MONTHS.......HE LASTED 4 WEEKS, I WORKED FULL TIME AND TOOK CARE OF HIM 24 HRS A DAY......THINKING THAT HE WOULD REBOUND, AND WE WOULD HAVE MORE TIME, TO AT LEAST DO SOMETHING ON HIS BUCKET LIST....ON 5/7/11 THE DOCS TOLD ME HE WAS SEPTIC, I MADE THE DECISION TO STOP ALL TREATMENTS AND PLACE IN HOSPICE, HE DIED 5/9/11....... I FEEL THAT I HAVE LIVED MORE IN 6 MONTHS THEN THE REST OF MY LIFE, I WAS SO CAREFULL NOT TO SHOW MIKE HOW UPSET I WAS DURING THIS, I KNEW THE PROGNOSIS, I FUNCTIONED LIKE A ROBOT, AND WHEN I SAW HIM TAKE HIS LAST BREATHE I CRIED AND CRIED.....DID HE KNOW HOW MUCH I CARED? I COULDNT EVEN MAKE THE CALL TO OUR FAMILY, I COULDNT TALK ALL I REMEMBER WAS MY PARENTS SHOWING UP AND HOLDING ME.....THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED ARE STILL SURREAL.....FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENTS, NOTIFYING FRIENDS, ETC SINCE THEN I HAVE BEEN THROUGH CONT HELL, ALTHOUGH WE DATED FOR SOMETIME, WE ONLY LIVED TOGETHER FOR WHAT I FIGURE WAS 113 DAYS, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME, AND HOW DID I GET TO A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE MY PARENTS WERNT ABLE TO TAKE MY PAIN AWAY? I AM 46 GUESS TIME TO GROW UP! I JOURNAL, I TALK TO MIKE, AND RECIEVE SIGNS FROM HIM, WHICH GIVES ME GREAT COMFORT, HIS FAMILY IS STILL WONDERFULL TO ME AND WE STILL TALK DAILY....THE FRIENDS I THOUGHT I COULD COUNT ON ARE NO WHERE, AND THE ONES I THOUGHT DIDNT CARE HAVE BEEN WONDERFULL! FUNNY HOW THAT PLAYS OUT... I HAVE DEALT WITH SUCH GUILT FOR NOT RECOGNIZING THAT MIKE NEEDED HELP BEFORE IT CAME TO A HEAD, KNOWING ALL TO WELL THAT WE COULD HAVE PROBABLY BOUGHT HIM SOME MORE TIME AT THAT POINT, TO AT LEAST HAD A MEMORABLE SUMMER.........BUT ALSO KNOWING THAT MIKE KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG AND DIDNT FOLLOWUP HIMSELF, AND HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PUT SOME OF THE GUILT TO REST....IT SERVES NO POSITIVE PURPOSE! THIS WEEK HAS BEEN SO STRANGE, MY WONDERFULL FATHER, WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD DAD, HAS BEEN A JERK, LAST SUNDAY AT DINNER HE STARTED TO BAD MOUTH MIKE TO THE POINT I WALKED OUT AND WENT HOME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, NOW WONDER, IS DAD GRIEVING TOO AND THIS IS HIS WAY OF DOING IT? ANGER ETC.. THAT I AM GOING THROUGH TO? ALSO KNOW THAT IT UPSETS DAD TO SEE ME SOO UPSET, IN HIS WEIRD WAY, IS HE TRYING TO HELP ME? AFTER NOT TALKING TO HIM FOR A WEEK, ALL IS FORGIVEN AND WILL GO SEE HIM TOMORROW, AFTER I START FEELING BETTER, FOR YOU SEE, IT IS NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE THAT I HAVE DEVELOPED A ROTTEN CASE OF THE STOMACH FLU, WITH ALL THIS STRESS ... NO WONDER! WILL CONT TO REST AND TRY TO NAP TODAY....THE OTHER NEWS I RECIEVED THIS WEEK WAS A CALL FROM A BED AND BREAKFAST IN PALMSPRINGS CA, TO CONFIRM OUR RESERVATION FOR THIS WEEKEND, FOR OUR STAY AND COMMITMENT CEREMONY........I HAD NO IDEA.....HE NEVER TOLD ME....THIS BROUGHT OUT ALOT OF EMOTIONS AND ALSO MADE ME FEEL GOOD, AS AT TIMES THROUGH THIS HORRIBLE PERIOD I QUESTIONED IF HE REALLY LOVED ME, WHY DIDNT HE STICK AROUND? CRAZY I KNOW.....BUT FINDING THAT GRIEF HAS BROUGHT OUT CRAZINESS IN ME! THE NEWS OF THIS VALIDATES OUR RELATIONSHIP AND MAKES ME FEEL GOOD! WELL FEEL THE NEED TO TAKE A NAP THE 7 UP IS HELPING MY STOMACH, AND HOPE THAT IFEEL BETTER LATER TODAY TO GO AND SEE MY HORSES, WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED MY FRIENDS TOOK MY HORSES TO THEIR RANCH, THANK GOD THEY DID ONE LESS THING TO TAKE CARE OF! SAD TO ME THAT I HAVENT HAD THE DESIRE TO GO RIDING SINCE OR TO DO ANYTHING THAT I USE TO.....BUT FEELING THE TWINGE TO SEE THEM. HOPE IT IS A GOOD SIGN! THANKS FOR LISTENING JOURNALLING AND THIS SITE HAS BEEN A GOD SEND! HOW DID WE LIVE WITHOUT COMPUTERS? EVERYONE TAKE CARE, HANG IN THERE! DAVE

Thinking of you this weekend! Dave

thinking of you today...Dave

funny I have had the same experience, Mike and I always enjoyed a wide circle of what i considered very good friends, since this has happened I am lucky to hear from half a dozen people on a regular basis and usually it is my family or Mikes that do the checking on me.......and no one comes to the house...have learned who my true friends are now.........yeah I get it they have their own lives, but they dont get what it is like coming home to him gone.........And how are we to stay positive all the time? We have a tremendous weight around our hearts........getting to the point where i hate feeling good as the I know that the "fall" is right around the corner....this rollercoaster ride of emotions sucks! Dave

A friend of mine, who lost her husband 12 yrs ago, who has been great support just called we spoke of the second yr her comment was the same as yours, the second yr was worse for her.....after she got through all the first of the first yr she was prepared for something better the second.....but it was worse....she keeps reassuring me that we all go through this different.....and that it does get better, her comment was you will never get over what has happened you just learn to cope better....BEST WISHES! Dave

Oh my god the second is worse!!!!!! I am in trouble then..........doing better at this today guess it was the full moon yesterday that got me down.......PLEASE take care of yourself!!!! Dave

THINKING OF YOU THIS WEEKEND, HOPE YOU CAN FIND A SMILE NOW AND AGAIN! DAVE

i was thinking the same thing...i force myself to keep up the yard and horses.....i use to have a passion for such......use to have the best roses in town...but now..... guess i need to keep forcing myself to do these things...and hopefully the passion will return! or maybe this is the new me... dave

Bless you Becky! not sure i could do what you are doing...... take care of yourself first! And Harry I love that phrase " Trust in God, but tie your camel first" lololol, so true! dave

BECKY, I THINK I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR STRUGGLE AND THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING FOR A FRIEND, AS A RN I KNOW THE STRUGGLES OF TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND MYSELF, IT ISNT WORKING REAL WELL FOR ME...AND AM LEAVING THE PROFESSION FOR SOME TIME....I GUESS MY QUESTION IS HOW CLOSE IS THIS FRIEND, FIND IT HARD TO TURN DOWN MY GOOD FRIENDS IN NEED.....BUT YOU KNOW AT LEAST YOU NEED TO PLACE SOME LIMITS ON WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH WITH HER.....EASIER SAID THEN DONE! BUT ALAS WE ARE ALL SO DIFFERENT! AFTER DWAYNE'S EXPERIENCE HE WANTS TO GO INTO NURSING TO HELP OTHERS, AFTER MY EXPERIENCE I WANT TO RUN TO THE HILLS AWAY FROM NURSING! FOR I FEEL THAT I GIVE MORE THEN I RECIEVE, BUT I GUESS THAT WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO AROUND WE ARE ALL SO DIFFERENT, AND THE OLDER I GET THE MORE I APPRECIATE THIS! ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT TO DO AT THIS TIME BUT KEEP THIS THOUGHT IN YOUR MIND YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON RIGHT NOW! HOWS THE WEATHER BACK IN KS? MY MOMS OLD ROOMMATE FROM K-STATE WAS SHARON KRIS (SP?) THEY LIVED IN ABILENE AND MAY STILL. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! 9 WEEKS AND 1 DAY AGO, AN ETERNITY AGO....DAVE

LYNNE,SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS CHALLENGE IN YOUR LIFE.......I LOST MY MIKE AT THE AGE OF 45, 9 WEEKS AND 1 DAY AGO....AFTER A 6 WK BATTLE WITH LIVER CIRRHOSIS.......THE TIMES SINCE HAVE BEEN A REAL CHALLENGE FOR ME, THE FELLOW MEMBERS OF THIS FAMILY, ON THIS SITE,HAVE BEEN OF GREAT SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT FOR ME AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO POST WHATEVER YOU ARE DEALING WITH ON THIS SITE. THE SUPPORT, ENCOURAGEMENT, AND ADVICE FROM PEOPLE THAT ARE FAMILIAR WITH YOUR JOURNEY IS INVALUABLE! THINKING OF YOU.....DAVE

HI KRISSY, SO SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN! I LOST MIKE ON 5/9/11 AND HAVE FOUND MY BEREAVEMENT COUNSELOR MARY JO ( i live in the phoenix area also)INVALUABLE FOR REASSURANCE THAT I AM DOING ALL I CAN DO TO STAY HEALTHY THROUGH THIS PROCESS....have also found that staying in touch with others here on this site has been an incredible resource for support and encouragement in between counselor visits, have you gone to any grief support groups? That may be a positive thing for you! Good Luck ! Dave

AS ALWAYS THKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT! ACTUALLY LIVE IN ARIZONA 1 PM NOW BUT AT LEAST HALFWAY THORUGH MY SHIFT! HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A REASONABLE DAY! DAVE

TODAY IS 2 MONTHS SINCE I LOST MIKE......MARTY RECENTLY TOLD ME OR REMINDED ME THAT EVERYDAY IS AN ANNIVERSARY, WHICH ACTUALLY PUT MILESTONES LIKE THIS IN PERSPECTIVE. I THINK ABOUT MIKE TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT DURING EACH DAY, HAD A DREAM ABOUT HIM THE OTHER NIGHT, WISH I COULD REMEMBER IT. HAVE FAMILY IN FROM OUT OF TOWN LAST NIGHT AND THEY HEARD ME YELL MIKE REPEATEDLY IN MY SLEEP.....I JUST KNOW THAT I WILL SEE OR COMMUNICATE WITH HIM AGAIN SOMEDAY, THROUGH NATURE, FEEL HIS PRESENCE AROUND ME OR ?? AND THIS THOUGHT BRINGS ME ALOT OF COMFORT. AS I HAVE SAID IN THE RECENT PAST HAVE FIGURED THAT EVERYTHING NOW IS ABOUT ME.....MY MOM WHO WAS SARCASTIC ABOUT THAT STATEMNET IN THE PAST HAS NOW BECOME VERY SUPPORTIVE OF THAT THOUGHT! SHE REALLY IS A GOOD MOM AND HATE TO SEE THE LOOK OF PAIN IN HER FACE WHEN I AM DOWN.....SHE IS NOW VERY ENCOURAGING OF ME TO FIGURE OUT WHERE I AM GOING WITH ALL THESE PROFOUND CHANGES IN MY LIFE. FIRST THING IS I WILL CONTINUE TO EXERCISE, CARETAKING AND STRESS HAS TAKEN A HORRIBLE TOLL ON MY BODY HAVE BEEN DOING VERY LITTLE.. BUT AT LEAST SOME EXERCISE EVEN IF IT IS JUST AROUND THE BLOCK....IT SEEMS TO HELP MY MOOD, NEXT WILL BE TAKING A LONG VACATION IN AUGUST...GOING HOME TO SEE OLD FRIENDS AND FAMILY OUGHT TO GIVE ME A BOOST! NEXT WILL BE RESEARCHING AND STUDYING WHAT TO DO NEXT AS MY CAREER....AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I AM A RN, BUT FIND NO MORE JOY IN THE PROFESSION AND KNOW IT IS TIME TO BE LEAVING IT...WHATS NEXT? HAVE SOME THOUGHTS.....HOPING TO DISCOVER SOMETHING WITH MORE POSITIVE OPORTUNITIES... WHEN MIKE DIED I PUT AWAY ALOT OF HIS PICTURES BUT 2 DAYS AGO I GOT THEM ALL OUT AND DISPLAYED AROUND THE HOUSE IT NOW BRINGS ME COMFORT....HAVE EVEN BROUGHT OUT AND DISPLYED THE BAD PIC OF HIM IN HOSPICE.....IT HELPDS ME TO REMEMBER THAT HE HAD LOST ALL QUALITY OF LIFE.......AND TO REMEMBER THAT HE DIDNT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT.....HAVE ALSO DISCOVERED THAT LISTENING TO HIS FAVORITE MUSIC USE TO MAKE ME CRY.....IT STILL CAN BUT AM ABLE TO SMILE THROUGH IT SOME NOW.....HAVE ALSO DABBLED INTO MAKING SOME OF HIS FAV FOODS GOD IT FEELS LIKE 2 MONTHS HAS BEEN A LIFETIME FOR ME! I JUST KNOW AND GOT TO BELIEVE THAT HE STILL GOING TO BE WITH ME....AM LEARNING TO NOT LISTEN OR EVEN ENTERTAIN WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING.....I HAVE TO GO WITH WHAT I FEEL IN MY HEART TO SURVIVE THIS TRAUMA. AND I KNOW I WILL SURVIVE THIS TRAUMA, BUT WILL I BE HAPPY AGAIN?????? I HOPE THE REST OF YOU IN "MY WORLD" ARE HANGING IN THERE....TAKE CARE! DAVE

THINKING OF YOU ON THIS DAY.....DAVE

HAVE NO ANSWERS FOR YOU....LAST WEEK WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY AND IT WAS ROUGH BUT NOT AS BAD AS I PROJECTED.........THINKING OF YOU...DAVE

THANKS FOR THE INFO.! i AM BOUND AND DETERMINED TO STUDY THIS MORE ....I WILL BE DAMNED IF IAM GOING TO LOSE HIM AGAIN! DAVE