dave s

Melina, Had a similar situation here at one of my part time jobs, was pulled into my bosses office due to the fact I speak of Mike frequently! HUH? but no problems with my work or attendance, and was asked to take some time off, gladly did for this allowed me to use some of my sick time that if I quit I wouldnt be reimbursed for......and plan on not having that position soon anyhow.....But have always wondered about those that work in the People Professions, how they can be so generous and compassionate to pts/clients they dont know, but frequently,with co-workers their expectations are so unrealistic! Take care! Dave

Thanks Marty for the article, I feel that it applies especially to me also, I am the oldest child, something that carries too much responsibility in my family, of being the family protector (my mom is the oldest and behaves the same), I then went into a profession that involved caring for others, after 20 yrs of this, I knew I was getting tired and probably suffered from PTSD, due to the long hrs as a Nurse and the horrible things I had seen ( how does anyone get out of this life without suffering from some form of PTSD?). And then to lose the only thing that kept me smiling through it all, Mike, the straw that broke this Camels back! During Mikes illness, I found that I wasnt Mikes partner I was Mikes Nurse, my feelings were cut off and I was matter of fact with everyone......as Nurses are....Mike was terminally ill and he would die....and I hoped that the suffering would end quick.....his suffering, mine had only begun. This all rings especially true to me today, as I am completly worn out from a horrible day at work yesterday, after filling in at a Psychiatric Emergency Room.....I saw over 30 pts! I just dont have the stamina that I had a yr ago,use to be I could work full time as a nurse, run the family construction company, take of my needs, take care of family needs and smile.....use to be.... I know that I will cont to deal with feelings of guilt and regret, just hope I never revisit the anger phase for Mike, that was the worst phase for me....I know that my grief journey has taken a new turn care for myself. I must take care of myself.I must continue to set limits for myself of what can be accomplished everyday (I must also cont set limits on others of what their expectations are of me)I guess this could lead to new adventures for me, with Mike supporting me through this process. Mike was always concerned about me giving so much of myself to others. Why am I up so early when I could and do need some sleep? Had my first dream of Mike last night,I got up and wrote it down immediately, as I always forget my dreams, will contemplate the dream and keep you posted, as frankly It didnt make anysense to me, but am sure some meaning is in it! It was so good to see his face!!! On a lighter note, yesterday the weather here finally broke, must have been only 108 instead of 113, and with the a/c on in the house I had to get out my sweat shirt and pants, it is cold here! Dave

Yesterday turned out to be a great day, went to Discount tires and due to the fact they forgot to fix my spare that was flat, they gave me 2 new tires for free, went to a store while waiting for the tires and Mikes favorite candles were on sale for half price, went to the grocery store and ribs were marked down from 24$ to 6$, went to go get new pillowcases to replace Mikes that I had bleached out ( he always did the laundry) they were marked down from 54$ to 13$!!!! Wow it was a fun day! I know that Mike was with me and laughing with me! Enjoying ANYTHING I can find positive! Got home and placed 1 tire in the yard, the neighbors were impressed stating " Why didnt we think of that?" lolol, just kidding! The weather is horrible here unable to finish the outside paint job, but did get part of the picket fence painted, its going to look really nice! Just recieved a message from my young cousin 22 who just lost her father last Oct at the age of 53, she was lamenting the fact that $ problems were causing her great unhappiness, I reminded her that I would gladly give up any amount of $ to bring her dad and Mike back HEALTHY! Hope it helps the "kid" to keep everything in perspective $ problems always have a way of working out! Guess I am her father figure now as her dad and I grew up together, when did I get old enough to do that!? Beat Wishes to all! Dave

Hope you are feeling better today Mary, thinking of you, I have no regrets for painting the house and changing the colors.....and yet miss the old color, some what, feel that i will look good on the front door, a copper color, in honor of Mike! now the chore is trying to find a similar color at the store always so difficult to pic how it really look! Best wishes to all! Dave

Oh my Mary! That is beautifull! Had to postpone my appt at the tire shop,yes the tears are flowing shouldnt be driving yet.....WOW! Dave

Thats really a great story!!! Thanks for the smile!! Dave

Gosh Mary if i put all 4 in the yard, it would surely bring him back to life to kick my butt! lolol! no 1 is enough! Dave ps i put some of the red paint that I had left over on the door kinda clashes with the green of the rest of the house.......think I might go with a pumpkin color, and paint my tack shed red.....might look like a barn then......could be fun!

I t amazes me when I look back, how matter of fact I was with our family and friends about Mike, and how he needed to go to Hospice for care, due to the fact that he was so sick and there was no hope. When he took his last breathe I was totally unprepared to how I would react.....I just couldnt stop sobbing..... Regrets, yes alot although a day never went without saying I love you, probably 20- 30 times, I never spoke to Mike about how he was feeling about things, I was concerned about his comfort.....He frequently stated "I need to find you someone else" which i found annoying, for I truely never thought he was going anywhere! Denial is an incredible thing, a defense mechanism.....In fact I worked the day before he died figuring that we needed the $ to do things on his bucket list, I regret that decision......but at least I was with him all day, the day he passed. Hope he knows now that I did everything that I thought was right.... Dave

I just got up and did our Sunday ritual, coffee and the news and shed to many tears.....rough way to start the day, then I saw you post Kay! Thanks for making me laugh! what a perfect solution to the tire "problem". I have to go back tomorrow for 1 tire that wasnt in stock and it will be turned into a planter, wonderfull idea! Mike could have given Martha Stewart a run for her $! and the thought of turning tires into planters......probably wouldnt impress Mike, but what a perfect way to handle this! Once the weather cools I want to get Mikes favorite rose and plant in it.....This all brings to me one of my favorite memories of my days with him. Our toilet went out and we replaced it together, it was so much fun being together doing things.....I took the old toilet out to the truck to haul off it slipped out of my hands, and fell on my head......wow did i bleed Mike had to take me to the er for 10 stitches! he thought it was so funny! I then threatened to turn it into a planter in the front yard.....he threatened to leave me if i did! Little did I know at that point I would be cherishing the memories of that day together.........(no offense to anyone that has a toilet planter) Mary thanks as always for the validation that he is still with me, despite seeing the multiple signs of him that we have spoken of in the past, and continue seeing, it is so wonderfull to have the reassurance that I am not crazy for they continue to provide me great comfort! Hope you are doing ok! Will post pics of the house, the front is painted except for the door, havent decided on what color. Mike always thought that red doors brought bad luck!!!Our door was always white, guess he proved that theory was wrong! And yes I want a red door....... Take care! Dave

No matter what I try to do to keep time still, it marches on....Since Mike has died I have had to replace the dishwasher that was ours...and today I went to get a flat fixed on Mikes car and found out that I need 4 new tires, in Az you really need to keep on top of your tires, due to the heat blowouts happen often. I initially wasnt going to replace the tire because Mike had bought them, but I have a good friend that has reported on more than 1 occasion having a dream of me being in a car wreck and when he got to the hospital Mike was standing besides me? Is it Mikes way of getting my attention to take care of the safety needs of the car? Well when I thought of my friends dream I knew it was what I was suppose to do.....I then thought I would bring home Mikes worn out tires that he had bought, and do what with? erect a shrine to Mike? He would be pissed!How ridiculous! Cant believe I was having an anxiety attack and shaking like a leaf in the tire store! Got home to a wind storm , while I was outside caring for the patio furniture my Aussie Shepherd Victor ran past me and knocked over a flower bench that I had large pots of flowers on, and also the herb garden i had planted for mike on Valentines day! and broke everything! I was furious with that damn dog, a hurricane wind couldnt have knocked it over! but a 70 lb dog could! well in the meantime I repotted everything in the garden, will get new pots tomorrow..... After all that I have gone through these ridiculous material things mean what? NOTHING, and yet it means more changes, once again a reminder that things will never be the same...now they are my tires,not Mikes, now it is my Herb garden that I planted for mike in a different container, not the one I did so proudly for Mike on Valentines DAy....It is just another reminder that mike is not around to help take care of things just me.....or is he? feel him so often in the house i often think I am going crazy!often it makes me smile! I continue to paint the house, it is my way of brightening up our home and it gives me a creative outlet, that seems to help my spirits!I continue to journal. I continue to work, but dont know how long in this profession, just dont have the energy to continue giving to others in Healthcare it drains me, and when I get tired.....my grief worsens, yes I cont to cry frequently, and when i do something, often, nice happens, whether a call from a friend or my 5 yr old nephew calls to tell me about kindergarten! Mike is watching out for me! God I miss him and still love him! With all being said I am so gratefull that today brought only the problems that it did......Thinking of all of you back east and hope you are all well!

Hope all is well on the east coast! Thinking of you all....Dave

Wow it never lets up for you! so sorry! hang in there! Dave

Cheryl, your experience is mimicking my life almost 4 months.Thanks for giving me hope also, will be thinking of you tomorrow.....Dave

Marty, So sorry for your loss! As a proud father of 4 dogs, 3 cats, 2 horses. I know how our pets play a integral part in our lives and contribute to our well being! Am thinking of you on this sad day......Dave

I guess we all could write a book about the stupid things people say......sad but i really dont think they mean to be insensitive. One of my bestfriends said when Mike died " Well at least you got new furniture and a new car out of it!" HUH????? And the classic statement by my mom 6 weeks out " You need to stop dwelling on it" I was able to educate her that fortunately she has not been through this, and how often do you give your heart away to people that are not family, she later apologized admitting she doesnt know what to do to help me and has been quiet and supportive since. Dave

Just came in to doctor myself, the bouganveila has just cut the snot out of me while painting, its is a wonderfull plant,but with everything beautifull, there comes a price, guess It is much like my love for Mike, beautifull, wonderfull, and so painfull at present.........I cont to paint and get lost in the moment......find it is the only time I really dont think of him, and then I catch myself wondering what does he think of the color? as I am not crazy about it.....but will live with it, an sure once everything is trimmed in it will look different. Mikes sister hasnt return to our house since he died, so I sent her pics, she stated Mike is so proud of you for doing what you are.......it choked me up! was cleaning out the pantry last night and found a jar of strawberry preserves that he had made for christmas, that was such a fun day making that together, it sure was great tasting, this is my last jar of his, and am not sure it will be eaten....a momento of a wonderfull day with him!!!! well the bleeding has ceased so out to do it again, Phoenix area was hit hard with a dust storm last night, but I live out of town a ways, and saw little of it! Take care! Dave

HI THERE, SO SORRY FOR YOU LOSS, I LOST MIKE 5/9/11 AT THE AGE OF 45, SO I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND WHAT YOU ARE FACING......A VERY WISE PERSON ON THIS SUPPORT SYSTEM ONCE TOLD ME AS I WAS FACING HIS B-DAY AND OUR ANNIVERSARY IN THE SAME WEEK, THE ANTICIPATION OF THE DAY IS MUCH WORSE THAN GOING THROUGH IT......HIS BDAY I SET OFF BALLOONS FOR HIM AND HAD A BDAY GET TOGETHER FOR HIM AND ME AS MY BDAY WAS DESTROYED WITH HIM BEING SO ILL, 6 DAYS BEFORE HE DIED. I TO USE TO LOVE TOGARDEN AND CARE FOR MY HORSES FOR OVER 3 MONTHS HAVE HAD NO DESIRE TO DO SUCH.......BUT FOR SOME REASON AFTER A HELLISH DAY ON THE 3 MONTH ANNIVERSARY.....I AM FEELING BETTER AND FINALLY FEELING PHYSICALLY UP TO "TRYING" TO ENJOY THESE HOBBIES. WE HAVE NOT HAD MEMORIAL FOR MIKE OUT WEST, HIS FAMILY HAD A SMALL SERVICE BACK IN INDIANA, BUT AGAIN HAVE HAD NO DESIRE TO DEAL WITH THAT YET, IT WILL COME IN TIME,HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL PLACE SOME OF MIKES ASHES ON EACH VACATION I TAKE, WHICH WE LONGED TO DO ON HIS BUCKET LIST, BUT SADLY HE DIED BEFORE WE WERE ABLE TO DO ANY OF THOSE DREAMS........... I APPLAUD YOU FOR GOING TO HIS FAMILY FOR HIS BDAY, AM SURE IT WILL DO YOU ALL SOME GOOD! BE CAREFULL DRIVING! DAVE

Hello everyone..... Today I woke up feeling strangely good, despite the ever present numbness I feel in my chest, I am well aware its part of my heart missing.....Have to admit that I almost feel guilty for feeling good, also am aware that despite feeling well at present anything could set me off..... Mike would be furious at me for even entertaining the idea of guilt! My life lately has been spent with mindlessly doing home improvement projects, it is providing me with a fresh look to come home to, some exercise, and my thoughts are that I want to sell off this place and move.....will wait the yr out before making any major decisions though. It is amazing to me what you can accomplish on a limited budget when you do home improvements yourself! Mike was always into making our home look nice, and I know he is smiling at me now..... In just over 3 months, I am happy with what I have been able to do through so much debilitating grief, I continue to work, keep up the house,journal, see my Bereavement Counselor, and tommorow am taking a road trip to Sedona, Az. My first time out of the Phoenix area since my life ended......am really excited about it! One of the greatest gifts I have recieved through this horrible journey, has been a friendship made with a Widowed coworker, Mary has been such great support, encouragement, and someone just to provide me the immediate reassurance that I am ok. Interesting that she should call this am, seems she had a dream that I was in a horrible car wreck, while waiting for me, Mike was there looking great and healthy.......she stated " this is not meant to alarm you, but to watch your driving while your defenses are down" I was looking at our freezer this weekend, realizing that I have so much food stuff, leftovers from mike that if I dont starting using up will go to waste, so I thought I would have some of Mikes meatballs last night, they were still good and made me smile, thinking I still have something left that he did.....with that being said......how is it that I am able to eat his leftovers, throw away one of his teeshirts that was falling apart, while I was wearing it, able to paint and change the house up, and yet I cant throw away the last empty bottle of bleach, that he last used the last day he was here.....in the shower is his last bottle of shampoo, sitting empty ( interesting that Mike could time his death so he didnt have to buy another bottle of shampoo!!lololol he was really into his hair! ) Well i have spent over 3 hrs this am doing my " Mike Homework " am finding that I have ignored the rest of my family through this horrible learning experience and feel the need to go see my 91 yr old gma, she has lost her spouse, a son last Oct, Mike in May , and we made her move to Az, after living over 60 yrs in the same house in Kansas City...the loss she has seen..... Everyone take care .....Dave

Hope you had a good day yesterday.....best wishes!

Thinking of you today, Dave

Heck no one more day wouldnt be enough......but would settle for whatever I could have........with that being said I know he is around me, have felt his presence more than once.....just like now I feel he is smiling at our new paint job on the house, he is either saying it looks great or why didnt you listen to me and hire a professional!!Dave

Having a blue day, it is 3 months since I lost Mike today.....trying to stay busy painting the house, but the emotions are getting to me..... Thought this phrase that I read was appropriate for my feelings.... There are moments in life you wish you could bring someone down from Heaven and spend the day with them just one more time, give them one more hug, kiss them goodbye or hear their voice again.....one more chance to say " I Love you" Hanging in there....Dave

GOSH MARTY I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT WE HAD DICUSSED THIS TOPIC IN THE PAST, AND YOU KNEW WHERE TO FIND IT! YOU ARE SO GOOD AT YOUR JOB! THANKS! THE CHOICE TO GO ON ANTIDEPRESANTS IS AN INDIVIDUAL DECISION,I HAVE CHOOSEN NOT TO, BUT AT SOME POINT IT MAY BE SOMETHING I NEED..I ONLY CAUTION EVERYONE THAT IF THAT IS A DECISION YOU MAKE , THEN PLEASE FOLLOWUP WITH A PSYCHIATRIST, AS I FEEL THAT MOST MDS ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO BE PRESCRIBING SUCH....DAVE (RN)

Thanks for what you did for meadow, both taking her in and doing what was right in the end...Bless you! Dave

Hey Mary glad to hear from you and that your ok......difficult weekend here but trying to stay positive....I have been thinking alot, what is my purpose in life now? Have spent a good portion of time of my life taking care of others, am now trying to figure out how to take care of me, will fill you in more on that later as I figure that out. Thinking of you! Dave