dave s

At 8 weeks and 1 day this is the best i have felt since March, still not laughing like i once did, but am eating everything in site today, my appettite has been at maybe 50% of usual I love to eat, or use to......was doing great until my boss asked how I was doing and told her of my day and how I still feel him around, her innocent comment was that I will feel that way until Mike feels it is ok to move on.......I immediately began to sob, and felt as bad as I did the night I lost him, surely he will stick around for alot longer, surely he cant think that since I was feeling better that it is ok not to be around me...and to move on. I am in a panic! I am really believing in signs that I have seen since he left and have started to feel comfort in spiritual ideas/thoughts.I swear I have felt something brush up against me at home, the lights have all been messed with at home, I have times that i smell him.....surely this wont end I need this......I CANNOT lose touch with these things right now...has anybody else experienced this? are there books about this? this is a major setback for me almost scared to feel better if this what occures....dave

THATS AWESOME! THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION! DAVE

I ADMIT I THOUGHT OF SUICIDE A FEW TIMES DURING THIS ORDEAL AS YOU KNOW THE PAIN IS SUCH THAT I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY LEG AMPUTATED! BUT EVERYTIME I DID SO MY 5 YR OLD THERAPIST/NEPHEW AND HIS 2 YR OLD ASSISTANT/NEICE CAME TO MIND.........KNOWING NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GOT I COULD NEVER LEAVE THAT FOR THEM TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND....AND BESIDES MIKE WOULD BE FURIOUS WITH ME....MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE POOR FAMILY..........

THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION AS I CONTINUE ON AT 8 WEEKS AND 1 DAY, MIKE WAS ALSO 45 WHEN HE PASSED, TODAY HAS BEEN THE FIRST DAY THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK WITHOUT CRYING! BUT AM WELL AWARE THAT THIS JOURNEY IS NOT OVER AS I TRY TO REMAKE MYSELF, WITH MIKE BEING A PART OF THAT REBIRTH....DAVE

remember ks boys are always looking for yard jobs get some high school boys to help you with the yard sounds like they would do a better job! dave

THANKS MARY FOR THE REPLY! AND YOUR RIGHT ABOUT LISTENING TO MY HEART AS I FEEL THAT MIKE IS IN THERE helping to guide ME, BEEN A HORRIBLE DAY AT WORK SOO MUCH HOSPITAL DRAMA AND HUMAN SUFFERING!!! IT IS HARD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF IN A CAREER THAT DEAMNDS SO MUCH ENERGY FROM ME DEALING WITH OTHERS! NEED A VACATION, ALTHOUGH FEAR THAT WONT BE GOOD ENOUGH TO REVIVE ME......I THINK I AM GOING TO TRY TO TAKE OFF THE MONTH OF AUGUST AND GO SEE MY NEPHEW/NEICE 5 AND 2 IN COLORADO, SHOULD BE GOOD THERAPHY! AND THEN I THINK I NEED TO GO HOME TO WYOMING FOR AWHILE, WILL KEEP YOU POSTED! THKS! DAVE

I SURVIVED LAST WEEKS BDAY, WITH TEARS BUT NOT AS MANY AS I PROJECTED...I WORKED THE NEXT DAY, THEN DECIDED THAT i HAD TO TAKE OFF SATURDAY, AS IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY AND I WAS COMPLETELY WORN TO A FRAZZLE....I BOUGHT MIKE HIS FAVORITE YELLOW ROSES AND A RED BALLOON...3 WEEKS BEFORE HE DIED IWAS OUTSIDE TAKING CARE OF THE YARD HE CAME TO THE DOOR AND ASKED THAT I WATCH A MOVIE WITH HIM, AT 1ST I STATED I WILL BE IN A WHILE, THEN THOUGHT NO I NEED TO BE WITH HIM, FORGET THE YARD. tHE MOVIE WAS P.S. I LOVE YOU, I ONLY REMEmBER SEEING PART OF IT AS THE TEARS WERE BLINDING ME, SO SAT I BOUGHT THE MOVIE AND ATTEMPTED TO WATCH BUT THE DVD PLAYER WOULDNT WORK....WAS WORKING BEFORE, SOME MORE OF MIKES HANDY WORK???? YESTERDAY A GOOD FRIEND CAME BY AND FIXED THE PLAYER, WE BOTH WATCHED IT AND CRIED AND CRIED........ I HAVE A WONDERFULL CARING FAMILY BUT MY MOM, DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME AND STATES SOME REALLY STUPID THINGS,HER COMMENT THE OTHER DAY WAS " WELL I GUESS THAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU AND NO ONE ELSE" I STOPPED FOR A SEC AND REPLIED..." THIS IS NOT ABOUT MIKE, THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY AND MIKES FAMILY OR THEIR FEELINGS,OR OUR FRIENDS I AM CONSUMED WITH THE LOSS OF OUR HOPES DREAMS AND PLANS, YOU DONT COME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOME THAT IS FILLED WITH MIKE.. YES THIS IS TOTALLY ABOUT ME...WHO AM I GOING TO BECOME AFTER THIS EXPERIENCE? HAVE DECIDED THAT THE BEST WAY TO HONOR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MIKE IS TO CONTINUE WITH THE PLANS AND DREAMS WE HAD, MIKE ALWAYS WANTED ME TO QUIT BEING A NURSE, HE SAW THE EXHAUSTION AND DISGUST I HAD ON MY FACE, MOST DAYS WHEN I CAME HOME...AND ASKED THAT I QUIT NURSING 2 DAYS BEFORE HE DIED..WE HAD BOTH SPOKE WITH EXCITEMENT OF LEAVING AZ, AND ESCAPE TO SOMEWHERE GREEN...SO AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME, I FEEL THAT YES MOM, IT IS ALL ABOUT ME...AND FEEL THAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO BE MAKING PLANS TO ACCOMPLISH THIS, NO I KNOW I SHOULDNT MAKE ANY RASH DECISIONS FOR AWHILE BUT I FEEL THAT IT IS RIGHT TO BE FIGURING WHAT I NEED TO DO NEXT TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF...AND TO LIVE MY LIFE AND TO CELEBRATE THE LOVE I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL HAVE FOR MIKE! ANYHOW TEAM TODAY IS 8 WEEKS SINCE I LOST HIM... AM I THINKING CLEARLY? FIGURE THAT I AM NOT, JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO I AM... MIKES ILLNESS CONSUMED HIM IN 6 WEEKS FROM DIAGNOSIS, WE HAD NO TIME TO DO A BUCKET LIST...SO THINK I WILL HAVE TO DO IT FOR HIM, HE WANTED TO LEARN HOW TO FLY FISH, WANTED TO GO TO HIS ANCESTRAL HOME IN ITALY AND GREECE, AND WANTED TO GO HOME TO ORANGE COUNTY, CA....THAT WAS IT...SEEMS LIKE A SMALL LIST AND WILL PROBABLY BE HEALTHY FOR ME TO DO! MIKES FAMILY WANTS ME TO START DATING AGAIN, THIER STATEMENT IS THAT IS THE BEST WAY TO HONOR HIM, FIND LOVE AGAIN.I SEE THier WISDOM AND APPRECIATE THEIR LOVE AND CONCERN FOR ME BUT KNOW THAT THAT PROCESS WILL TAKE SOME TIME WELL TEAM SHOULD BE GETTING BACK TO WORK HERE AM NOT SURE HOW I DEAL WITH OTHERS PROBLEMS IN LIFE WHILE ATTENDING TO MY OWN, IT IS ALL I CAN DO MOST DAYS TO STAY THE SHIFT! EVERYONE TAKE CARE AND HAVE A SAFE 4TH! DAVE

THINKING OF YOU! THIS HAS BEEN QUIT A DAY AS IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST TIME I MET MIKE....DONT KNOW WHAT THIS DAY WILL BRING....DAVE

MY DAY WAS NOT AS NICE AS I HAD HOPED..BUT WAS STILL NICE....SOME TEARS BUT NOT ALOT....BUT I AM SO TIRED.......EXHAUSTED.....GOT ALL ACCOMPLISHED BUT GOING TO THE GREEK RESTARAUNT...........MY BEREAVEMANT COUNSELOR ASSURE ME I AM DOING WELL......AND YET I CAME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOME.....UGH!!!! WELL TEAM JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I AM HANGING IN THERE HOPE YOU ARE TOO...

HAD A GREAT TIME AT THE CONCERT.....FOR SOME REASON THE THOUGHT OF CELEBRATING MY BDAY TOMORROW WITH MIKE IS GIVING ME ALOT OF COMFORT, GUESS I SHOULDNT QUESTION , BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH NEGATIVE, HAVE....AM LEARNING TO ENJOY ANYTHING POSITIVE THAT I RUN ACROSS! HAVE HAD EPISODES OF COMING HOME AND FINDING ALL MY LIGHTS ON IN MY HOUSE, FIGURE IT HAS TO BE MIKE OR SOMEONE PLAYING A HELL OF A CRUEL JOKE ON ME....TONIGHT JUST GOT HOME TO FIND EVERY LIGHT TURNED OFF......THANKYOU MIKE FOR NOT TURNING OFF THE A/C (WE LIVE IN AZ)!!! EVERYONE TAKE CARE WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON MORE OF OUR DAY TOMORROW.......DAVE

HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH ALL THAT HAS OCCURRED IN MY LIFE, MY EMOTIONS THIS WEEK HAVE BEEN STABLE DESPITE THE DREAD I HAVE HAD FOR THIS BIG WEEK......MY BDAY ON MAY 3RD WAS SPENT TAKING CARE OF A DAZED AND CONFUSED MIKE, TRYING TO KEEP HIM SAFE.....HE WAS SOO DELUSIONAL IN HIS LAST DAYS......AND SO MY BDAY SUCKED!WORST ONE OF MY LIFE....SO HAVE DECIDED THAT SINCE MIKES BDAY IS TOMORROW, SO AGAIN IT WILL BE MINE, TONIGHT I AM GOING TO A SPAINISH GUITAR CONCERT, TOMORROW I WANT TO SLEEP IN, THEN GET TO MEET MY BEREAVEMENT COUNSELOR,SET OFF SOME BALLOONS FOR MIKE, MAKE A DONATION TO THE HOSPICE SERVICES HERE IN THE VALLEY THAT WERE SO GOOD TO ME AND MIKE,HAVE LUNCH AT MY FAVORITE GREEK RESTARAUNT, THEN ENJOY MY AND MIKES 46TH BDAY PARTY WITH HIS FAMILY....I AM EXCITED ABOUT MY DECISION TO CELEBRATE OUR DAY TOGETHER I FEEL THAT THIS IS THE ONLY POSITIVE THING I CAN DO RIGHT NOW SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE AND DAVE!

Yes I sure understand the ambush........worst pain I have ever felt.......hope you are having a much better day, feeling physically better after the Chiropractic visit surely helps the mind.Today I am having a nice day...will enjoy while I can knowing I have alot to prepare for on Mikes bday thurs......Funny the topic of other realtionships came up on this site as Mikes family is pushing me to date......guess it is a compliment to me that they love me so, that they dont want me to be lonely......time will tell when I am ready to entertain that thought again.....thinking of you, Dave

THANKS FOR EVERYONES INPUT AND SUPPORT, I PRAY THAT WITH TIME I WILL SEE SOMETING POSITIVE FROM THIS EXPERIENCE.......AS OF YET THIS PAIN TOTALLY OUTWEIGHS THE BENFITS OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.....HAD I KNOWN THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED I WOULD HAVE TURN AND RAN AWAY.....DAVE

7 weeks ago I had to make the decision to stop all treatments on Mike and place in Hospice...........I woke up this am,and have been crying for the last 2 hrs, yes I know crying can be healthy and respect such, but I dont feel any better......Am well aware of what is bothering me at present and am paralyzed with dread for the coming week of his 7th week anniversary of his death on Mon., his bday on Thurs., our anniversary on Sat. and wonder how I will cope with this triple whammy in 1 week......Actually writing this note hoping I can gain some strength to deal with this all....Have notified my family and friends that super responsible, reliable Dave is not at home this week and I am going to need some help ....God how could I have been in so much love and now regretting our relationship as I wouldnt be in so much pain right now? Any wise words out there on how to deal with this? Damn I wish I could stop crying!

iTS OK, FEEL YOUR PAIN HAD TO TURN DOWN AN INVITE TO MY GREAT FRIENDS WEDDING, WHICH IS ON ME AND MIKES ANNIVERSARY NEXT WEEK, COULDNT DO IT.....THINKING OF YOU....DAVE

I had stopped counting the days since Mike left for 2 days....then while getting ready for work the phone rang...it was work cant work until i complete a recertification course that expired when Mike was sick, I simply forgot my mind has been totally shot, they were understanding and supportive but cant work until this is resolved....luckily can take a class this weekend. Wow I wonder what else I have forgotten out there.... This coming week I am afraid will be difficult, Mondays are always hard, due to the day of his death, Tuesdays suck as I feel that is when I am trying to recover from Mon., Thursday Mike would have turned 46, and Saturday is our Anniversary.....I really hope I can function through all of this Am surprised now at the friends that wont call and those who I thought wouldnt be checking on me are now supportive, have had friends state when can we expect the old Dave to return, I have told them not to expect that to happen, I know I have completely changed this experience has shaken me to the core, is making me reevaluate everything in my life, and maybe thats not a bad thing........was very happy with the life I had with Mike, but other areas in my life I havent been happy with, one primarily is my career.....20 yrs as a Nurse have taken there toll on my body and spirit, it is exhausting work, with few rewards, so perhaps it is not to late to head back to school to broaden wmy horizons....think this my opportunity to explore something else that could provide me some enjoyment..... Yesterday was a strange day, our cat that Mike always hated and she hated him! didnt show up for breakfast, 12 toes is her name due to her having 12 front toes, she always comes for breakfast....have to admit that I was sure something had happened to her, and that she was in heaven tormenting Mike, fortunately she showed up for dinner, was so happy to see her....so I guess it was a good day wasnt in the mood for anymore losses! Well guess I feel like i can get on with my day, need to do my daily phone calls to friends and family that want to hear I am ok...take care!

BEST THING I HAVE HEARD ALL DAY!!!! DAVE

HAPPY FATHERS DAY! FUNNY ALWAYS HAD A STRAINED RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD, UNTIL MIKE GOT SICK AND DAD WAS WONDERFULL AND SUPPORTIVE, IF ANYTHING GOOD CAN BE SEEN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE........IVE GOTTEN TO KNOW THE OTHER SIDE OF MY DAD! EVERYONE TRY TO HAVE A NICE DAY......

I am writing down what i feel.....I did what i knew what was right for Mike and not right for me.........I never wanted Mike to suffer......but to have gone through that would have made this process easier.........in a sense, for me, my favorite uncle ron died at 53 from cancer that he suffered from for nearly 20 yrs this past oct.....when he died i said good for him........never thinking that mike would die just a few months later....and when i say all of this....i know the relationship I had with Mike was totally different than with uncle ron.......today i washed our bedding...i am splitting up Mikes ashes between myself and his sister who i think the world of!!!!!!..........it has only been 5 weeks and 2 days................... why god did you do this.........never bought that adages sp? that god never gives you more than you can handle....i see all the beauty in my life and want to remeber Mike in a good light but damn am so tired of the sorrow......

I WISH I HAD SOMETHING PROFOUND TO SAY TO HELP.....BUT CAN ONLY STATE THAT I AM THINKING OF YOU....DAVE

I WOKE UP IN A GOOD MOOD, MIKES CARDINAL CAME TO ME BEFORE I LEFT FOR WORK, I AM DRIVING TO WORK AND MY CAR WAS OVERWHELMED WITH THE SMELL OF HIM....I CHOKED UP FOR A SECOND BUT THEN SMILED DURING THE REST OF MY DAY.....I WAS SITTING AT MY COMPUTER AND SMELLED HIM AGAIN....DECIDED AT THAT POINT I WOULD GO TAKE A BREAK AND ENJOY HIM....MISS HIM INCREDIBLY.....BUT WILL TAKE ANYTHING OF HIM I CAN ENJOY FOR TODAY....AM SLEEPING OK.....AMAZED THAT MY APPETITE HASNT RETURNED, AND EVEN FURTHER AMAZED THAT I AM NOT LOSING WEIGHT...HOPING I CAN REMEMBER THIS DAY AND CONTINUE TO NOT MOVE ON, FOR TO ME THAT MEANS I AM GETTING OVER HIM, BUT CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD.....IT HAS ONLY BEEN 5 WEEKS AND 1 DAY SO I KNOW I HAVE A LONG ROAD AHEAD .....BUT WILL TAKE ANY HOPE FOR TODAY......

FUNNY WAS JUST THINKING MIKES BDAY IS ON THE 30TH.....WAS PLANNING TO RELEASE BALLOONS THAT DAY ALSO BEFORE I READ YOUR POST......DAVE

Happy B-day George!

If you want my vote, move yourself, son, daughter in law to Colorado. I know what you mean about Goodland, spent summers there with my Aunt and Uncle when I was a kid....very isolated......with that being said I know we are not to make major life decisions for some time, I also know what you mean about it doesnt matter where you live if your around friends and family....which is something that I need to be reminded of myself for I now have this incredible desire to leave the Phoenix area, but after this experience have truely realized that i have GREAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY here that includes Mikes family who calls and checks on me a couple of times a day.....

Funny that a few days after Mike died I called his cell phone and his voice was erased!???When i did it i knew it would make me upset, but wanted it anyway........figure Mike wasnt in the mood to hear me cry about that!lol