dave s

Well I am drained emotionally and physically, Dad REMARKABLY is doing well!!!!! Goes in for a Lap. Choley today to take out his Gallbladder, am so very relieved, but now have returned to some dark areas of my life that I have......left behind, or thought so.........But despite my exhaustion, know that after I get some rest i need to do somemore Mike homework, and deal with the emotions, or the emotions will deal with me later on! Came to work today, needing to get n some hrs and only 20 minutes from the hospital, found out that one of my nurses aides, mom just died.....feel bad for him, for they want him to come back to work the day aftr the funeral.....alot to expect from anyone! I dont figure that the higher ups are aware of this, will need to intervene on his behalf......poor kid... Anyhow hanging in there.....Dave

What a wide range of emotions today, am drained but so far gratefull that are status has not improved any further as of yet but has not declined either. Last night brought me back to 6 months ago, when I learned of Mikes terminal status, and the horror of what I knew was to come for him, little did I fully understand the horror for me that was to unfold. Last night reminded of all that, then on top of that I was then "Davey", what dad always called me, when I was a little boy...........then I was Dave, the man that had to be my parents caretaker, in a time like this.........and the caretaker for my siblings, for they were distraught, of course....In fact I was a hr from booking plane tickets, and arranging for then to be picked up from the airport when he turned around! We are not out of the woods by any means, before anything can be done we have to clear up a massive infection that was caused by a gallbladder problem, or infection contracted from the recent procedure he had, we also have to wait to have his blood work clear up, was placed on an experimental blood thinner that we are unaware of the halflife in his body is,and probable gallbladder surgery, which by itself can be no big deal, but with everything else!.......after all that then we will need to have a pacemaker implanted...which is the least of our worries......but for now to see him turn from the brink last night to actually smiling by this am.......to have people that I worked with, yrs ago to think so highly of me...that they all surrounded me with a whole lot of love for me and my family, and assure me that they will take care of everything, as I would do for their family.......is priceless, for now I can be Dave the son, not Dave RN son, the weight of the world is off my shoulders in a sense...........I felt that Mike was with me taking care of everything!!! Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers..... Dave

Marty is there anyway you can get ahold of Maryjo M, my grief counselor through hov, in Phoenix and have her call me, dont have her number handy and is would be great to hear from her, feel like I have just stepped back 6 months in 1 day in my work to rebuild...she should have my number thks!!Dave Smith

oh thks Marty, left the hospital to come and check on my gma, only 15 min away from the hospital hope after a shower and a cry can at least sleep for an hr, of course exhaustion makes a horrible situation worse.....Dave

Not even 5 months out from the death of Mike, my father has contracted a horrible infection.......gallbladder? or from the site of the incision in his groin from the recent procedure......doesnt matter he is septic the same thing that killed Mike, and prognosis poor........at 1 sec I am numb, the other hysterical.........not sure I have the strength to deal with this......Dave

I wrote a letter to mike, when I was at the point that I could have killed him for what his death did to me, I was so angry and hatefull, couldnt stand myself!! It did help me alot, I know of those that write letters frequently, and great! I just journal....now it does help me! Take care! Dave

I recently after excessive prodding by Mikes family, have started to date, to me it actually is a great compliment to Mike, and I know he is smiling that I am making the effort to get out.......and try.........met someone that is really great, kind, understanding........but it has been awkward...to say the least.......for both of us, he doesnt know what to do with this widower at times, although in his defense he is honest about it and compassionate enough to at least give me some space, and he is very supportive of talking about Mike whenever, and he does respect the fact that I dont know what I am doing in a new relationship......but we have agreed to take it slow........he even talked to my grief counselor, recently, so another plus in his column.....but yes I know the insecurities of it all seems we after almost 30 yrs of leaving high school, would get past it.......but I guess we are still kids at heart! And yes HAP we are so vulnerable........Dave

Your Parable posted yesterday, allowed me something to ponder over, versus my zeal to have my house in order.......I found myself walking through our yard and sitting on the porch, something I havent done in real a long time.....and thinking of something else vs the raw grief I still battle........as with all parables different meanings, lessons can be gleaned ( is that the proper word?) from it......does it apply to my life and the relationships that I have with family and friends? yes I believe so......does it apply to my recent loss.....oh yeah it does..........does it apply to the recent controversial postings here..........yeah I get it! Thanks for making my mind work in a different way then it has in along time, will keep you posted on my thoughts! Dave p.s. have a feeling that your the kind of teacher we "kids" speak of for yrs!

Stacyines, How did you get to this stage? Dear, I think this is part of it, I enter different places in our home and it hits me, and I cry, I recently went on a day road trip to Prescott and Jerome, it was a wonderfull day......but this was the trip Mike and I were to take, and plenty of tears flowed..........I understand.......Please take care and keep us posted on how you are, and your trip. Dave p.s. wish I knew why this computer keeps changing fonts, it was Mikes he must be playing with me! lolol.......

Today I woke to a phone call, an old friend's wife had just passed back in Montana....44 yr old victim of Breast Cancer........Mark has joined our group now...This lead to some more reflecting on what this yr has brought at the Smith/Collins house hold. Days of despair, not knowing who I was, days i didnt care if I lived or died. days filled with such anger and hate for Mike and those around me who just dont get it, and who had such unrealistic expectations for me. Days that were spent physically working so hard around the house just to forget the pain. Days spent glued to facebook or the phone just so I could hear others tell me I wasnt crazy. All things Mark will go through in this journey, of finding some peace..... I will continue to try to get ahold of Mark to offer support, encouragement.......to allow him to cry if needed....whatever he needs to do.......for I get the heartache. This has allowed me to reflect on what I have been through this yr, move the love of my life in with me, never expecting that he was terminal ( although I believe he knew he was, he was in such denial as I was when I learned of it ), provide all care for him.......then to have my life destroyed as I knew it. Although changed my work routine, I was able to return to work, keep up the house so far......survive episodes of strep throat, stomach flu, colds, and such anger for many ....I am surviving, to have the desire to rebuild, date again........do what would make Mike continue to be proud of me! Today I will plant one of the roses Cheryl gave me a beautifull red Don Juan climber, have found the perfect spot for it, last night I remembered coming home each eve. to see Mike smiling and standing at the kitchen window, We have a driveway around the front and back of the house and I always parked out back to greet the dogs when I would return home, when mike got sick I stopped parking out back.......and realise, that I have never returned to that parking spot......now know that the kitchen window is my favorite spot to remember Mike, his smile and his eagerness to see me when I got home, it is the window where the cardinals showed up the day after he died, it is where I see the doves take refuse on our property.......it must be dove season.they know they are safe here......i will plant this rose on the white picket fence in the back yard clearly visible from the kitchen window......it will remind me of Mike and the beautifull gesture Cheryl has provided....and as time continues when I see the rose, I hope I can remember and be comforted that out of something so horrible.......something beautifull can grow........Dave

good news! just came in from the heat, warm one here today, but better then before.....feeling physically better guess the sun is baking whatever out of my body, after a awhile found my painting technique returning, My mind was off Mike and was able to concentrate on something else!!! Feels good to take a break from this, andI know thats what Mike wants me to do....dave

went outside to use my new paint gun, it is beautifull, working great but got clogged, no big deal, as I was trying to clean it up i hit the trigger paint everywhere again in my face up my nose, wow I have painted thousands of times.......guess all I can do is laugh, and be thankfull I am not a cop, who knows what my reaction times would be with a real gun!!! will have to have the neighbors take another pic!! Dave

Woke up today, continue to have this cold, allergies, bronchitis, what ever it is is kicking my butt, once again sick in 4 1/2 months, sure is tiresome...when I am trying to get back on my feet! One terrible habit I have had for yrs is smoking, Oh I could stop for months, yrs.....but always came bac kto being a social smoker, when we were told that Mike had 2 yrs to live, I started heavily......when on the next doctors visit we were told actually 6 months, in between my tears I ran to the store for a carton of smokes, at one point was smoking 2-3 packs a day.....since then have trended down to just a pack a day....I hate it I hate the smell, and the $$$ involved, and yes know all to well of the physical cost! I will never understand why this has become my crutch....does it calm me down? not really.....perhaps it is just a distraction...I guess I am at a point in my life, that i dont care if I live or die, during one of my recent journalling sessions i wrote down all the reasons to keep me going, I have a wonderfull set of parents, gmother, fabulous friends.....as this is great! and yet the only thing that is keeping me going is the 5yr old nephew,Colton, who doesnt call me by name, just "Bestfriend" and his 2 yr old sister,Abby.....who calls me "Favorite"!!!!!What are they going to tell them if something should happen to me? And what would Mike think if I dont continue to try to rebuild? So yes I will attempt to trend down the smoking, have found in the past that " cold turkey " doesnt work for me, but if I go with the idea I can have one if needed, then I usaully dont.....Guess a bad time to be correcting all the faults in my life.....while missing him terribly! With the above being said...Today I went down and picked up the roses,Cheryl generously donated to me! I loaded them in the jeep and cried......but good tears, I felt the positive energy around this wonderfull gift and it makes me feel so good! An the jeep sure smelled wonderfull, so this afternoon will start digging, for my new memorial garden for Mike......had a neighbor last yr told me that my yard looks gaudy.......I told him that is the look I was after, and besides before Mike got sick, strangers use to knock at the door wanting to pick some flowers! That would always make me feel good! But even though my garden always was theraputic.....it now doesnt have the same meaning.....I can feel Mikes energy around me, but cant see his smile and cant hear his favorite phrase, " This yard looks Bitchin! " I always loved it when he would say that! So this yr have hauled in alot of my planters, the flowers will be toned down this yr.....It is not the same now, and now I am taking care of the place by myself.....lonely feeling........ Yes Mike told me so........I always buy cheap, used....Mike always bought new, the arguement was you get what you pay for.......alot of truth to that, but since I was always poor, I bought what I thought was a good deal! Recently bought a used paint sprayer, it lasted 15 minutes, had it rebuilt and bought a new hose, proud of myself for saving some $$, it broke again yesterday, I was covered head to toe with white primer!! And could hear Mike state " I told you so! " so now I went down to Lowes and bought a new spray gun, at this point i have saved 50 $ over buying a new one, the lost time!!!!! not worth the 50$, another lesson that there is alot of value in our time......so the next time Mike I will try...to remember that my time has alot of value, will try to post a pic of me covered in paint, actually it was comical, had to take 2 showers to get it all off!I actually feel Mike laughing at me!!! Nice feeling!! well that is all that is happening in AZ, hope everyone is taking care......Dave

Not a bad idea to get out of town, I still need to do that, sort of feeling strong enough to do now......Be carefull! Kiss, is not the end of the world, you are human and confused, looking for some comfort,we are all confused right now, stop being so hard on yourself!!! Y es guilt is an enemy serves no positive purpose! And how were you to have helped him.....when he wasnt honest with you as to what he was doing? We are all to young to be going through this hell......but you so young, my heart is with you and hope you will continue to get some professional help, Please becarefull on your travels, during this time your not thinking clearly, and am concerned about an accident , your reaction times are slow..... Best wishes!!! Dave

After a horrible day at work, where I was told that everyone has problems.....taking care of their kids and dogs......and you never smile anymore....you need to get over Mike!!!! What the @#$%!!!!!! This is a Mental health facility!!!!!!!! I recieved the drawing by the psychic of Mike, I was dreading this as I thought it would be totally wrong.......although a couple of areas that need attention.....a STRIKING resemblance of my Mike!!!!!! really is..... have a good friend here that agrees!!!!Will try to take a pic of Mike and of the drawing and post......The journey for me hasnt ended.......but for now feel like our relationship is continuing.... Thankyou Mike!!! I still love you!!!! Dave

Really slept in today until 9! have done more of that since Mike died than I ever had in my life! A couple of days ago, I had a dream that my tack shed burned to the ground....I know that I have electrical issues there as it always throws a breaker when I am using power out there, but today when I plugged in the sprayer, this time it sparked at the electrical box, I ran and shut of the power to the shed, figuring Mike must be warning me of a problem, so will take this warning seriously and I have a friend coming out to shut off the power to the shed permanently until I figure we get time to run a new line out to it! Guess he is still watching out for me, again just need to be open to him talking to me! Thanks Mike! Dave P.s just checked my mail from yesterday, the cd from the Psychic was there, have listened to it again, funny how different it sounds to me this time........of course tears again.......

Thinking of you on this day! Take care! Dave

Wow kid I thought you were only 20.....you appear wiser then your yrs! but I think you have taught me something....you have nailed it on the head with your reply,,they're an addictive drug you had on a daily basis. Death is an instant withdrawal, but only you have the urge to have it back again.....Wow, this is the way I am feeling........I have so much good in my life, neice and nephew.... a really good family, depsite the fact I would love to wring their necks most times.......but that drug....Mike is what i miss, and miss......so much!!!!!!!!!! I really hope you are getting some professional help....Please take care!! Dave

Yes Mary we feel the change of season here also,in AZ, the weather is calming down, the nights are wonderfull, and actually at christmas, my brother from Denver often has to wear a jacket on his annual visit here with his kids in tow! Actually though it is not quit the same as being up north, back in Wyoming and Montana, I loved the aspen trees, in fall, when the colors were like opening a crayon box! Christmas I feel will be odd this year, my goal wil be to revert to being a 2 and 5 yr old, to keep up with the kids that will be visiting.....figure if I am busy enough I wont have to think a bout anything. but what else can I do to have fun, and to make more wonderfull memories for them and I....but I sure dread the kids asking about Mike..... I love the quote you posted, and have no doubt the other side is wonderfull, free of physical pain....and yet I truely am starting to believe that Mike feels the extreme pain I am going through.....for I know we had a connection that I know I have never felt before, a true oneness......that cannot be broken..... Best wishes! Dave

Hey why embarresed? Animals to me are just as important as the humans I also allow to share my life with! I lost George a handsome australian shepherd 3 yrs ago...I rescued him from ranch back in montana, he was young pup, stray that had shown up and was herding the cattle, it was what he knew to do, the Rancher wasnt impressed and was going to shoot him!!!George and I never went a day without seeing each other, I use to do home health nursing and he would accompany me to work everyday! The patients loved him and he was so good with them, even those that would never allow dogs into their home fell in love with him and soon per their request George was allowed into their homes!He even saved my life once, had a natural gas leak in my home, I was so groggy in bed.....knowing something was wrong, he was trying to wake me up, but I couldnt..George who never had an accident then did so right by my bed waking me up and getting us out of the house before something happened....George unfortunately at the age of 12 started to slow down and one day he couldnt walk! Of coursse I took him to the vet where we discoverd a tumor on his spine, I couldnt allow him to go through surgery and chemo which was the only course of action, I, my mom , the vet and everyone in the office sobbed I we put him to sleep, it was the best thing I could do for my beloved friend and the absolute best thing you could do for yours! Since then have taken in more stray 4 legged kids, for I am a sap for them and love them all! but thought it was interesting, a yr after George died, my bestfriend Vicky died, she loved George so much! And I had to go home to Wyoming for the funeral, when I returned I had 12 Aussie puppies in my back yard! I live in the country and others are fond of leaving me pressents of dogs! Well fortunately I found great homes for them all but kept Victor for he is almost a clone to George, in looks and personality....named Victor after Vicky my bestfriend....figured a sign from her! Take care, so sorry for your loss!but thankyou for giving him such a good home/life, he is with you, watching out for you still...Dave

After an exhausting yet positive week, have woken up to a horrible funk, I am incitefull enough to my feelings and at these times, I know enough to count the many positives in my life, my bestfriend,therapist Colton, the 5 yr old nephew and his beautifull assistant 2 yr old Abby....who now instead of calling me Dave she calls me Favorite! The absolutely, wonderfull reading I had that showed me so much love and comfort! And of course couldnt have for anything more this week then knowing dad is doing well!!!!! And yet this am I found myself pacing the house trying to get ready for another demanding day at work, taking care of others with little man power, and wondering how much more I can give to others......I then realized what I have accomplished this week,while caring for others, the grief monster was occupying every free thought, I had so much anticipation for this reading....that it wore me out, plus the worry about dad, no wonder I am exhausted! Then out of the blue the paint sprayer hose and gun which had been sitting on the kitchen counter for days, uninterrupted fell off to the floor, I laughed, no reason for it to fall. and then stated Thanks Mike for another sign, I need to take tomorrow and do what has brought me some satisfaction, work on painting the picket fence, rest and get my mind off everything for a few hrs! I have been so busy taking care of everyone else that I havent bothered to care for myself.....I hope I can always keep open to other signs of his guidance and support!!! Take care! Dave

Kay, better to know now, instead of getting into a bad situation.....and the commute! Nursing jobs are not plentifull here anymore, and I have to commute an 1 1/2hr each way, 2 days a week to get my hrs in.....it takes a toll driving that long! Dave

GOOD NEWS! DAD DID FINE WITH THE PROCEDURE! DAVE

Wow I had a panic attack last night expecting the worse.....guess I have been getting conditioned to do that....hate that! Went and saw dad today he is doing well, spirits are great! Procedure this afternoon, he should do well!I am at work, only 15 minutes away. my boss knows, and if i need to leave I leave....I feel good today after a rough week, finally got some sleep and feel great peace and love from the reading! Not 100% yet but actually am smiling, the best smile I have had since this nightmare occured! The psychics name is Rita Berkowitz, dont have her number handy but just type in the name online and her site comes up, the waiting list is long, this was the first appt I could i get and signed up the first part of june, the cost is $250.00, very reasonable for someone reputable, it was good for me! Take care and let me know what you think..Dave

Stacyinnes really bath salts!!!!!! no damnit...I deal with this everyday.....no wonder this happened, I am so sorry......my first thoughts are....the stress of med school, nursing school are so intense....to be perfect...in every way. And then add a substance.....so incredibly sorry about this all...for you and his family.....Thinking of you...Dave RN