KarenK

Thank you Jan. Isn't it funny that although the rest of my little family is right here, you all are the ones that keep me going because you understand. My son seems to "get it", but my grandson, not at all. There is no solace in his arms. Perhaps it is because of his rough emotional childhood. I started to cry a bit this evening just remembering Debbie's last hours before she slipped over the edge mentally and how she reached for the horse on her t-shirt I held up in front of her. And then the pain, drugs and probably cancer in her brain took her away. I cannot wipe that from my mind. I can only hope she and Ron are at peace together. When I try to express my feelings to my grandson, he shuts me out. This is not new. He has shut me out for years. I do wish he would realize that, but for me, he would be on the street. His dad can take no more of him. I am not looking for a big wad of gratitude, just a little love and compassion. Sorry, kind of got off track for this thread. Love, Karen

I do not feel strange talking to Ron, but it always brings tears. Mostly now, I talk to him about Debbie and how very sad I am because I could not save her. He is the only one who would understand. She and my son were not terribly close due to the difference in age and the fact he was only a year old when she left here. His dad's leaving truly struck him harder than his stepsister's and that is to be expected. I can speak Ron's name without crying, but not Debbie's. That won't change any time soon. Love, Karen

Jan, I also will be thinking of you tomorrow. I know it is hard to reflect back on those times. So sorry that you fell. I have rarely fallen, but seem to land on my butt when it happens so no harm there, just embarrassment. Grrr, Kay! Sorry you aren't doing well and having to wait on insurance. Knock on wood, but Medicare and my AARP secondary seem to be okay, but then again, I don't see a doctor often and am also fortunate that my former employer covers the premiums. November 19 will be my second anniversary without Ron. It would have been our 42nd year. So hard to comprehend that we married so long ago and now life, as it is, is just flying by. I still have a difficult time accepting that both he and my beautiful daughter are gone. I talked to my SIL and he is now having problems with his heart(chest pains,) and also leg cramps that put him on the ground. He will see a specialist on the 11th. My grandson is back living at my house again. Another big blowup between him and my son. I hate being in the middle. I have enough grief right now. I joined a local 50+ widows social group hoping to meet new folks, but so far the meetings all happen at least 20 miles from home. I was hoping for something closer, but I may have to "bite the bullet" and drive the distance. Not so much that I am in a "social" mood, but would just hope to enjoy meeting new friends. Be well everyone. Love, Karen

Hello All, I am still in the land of the living, although "existing" would be a better description. Thanks Mary & Kay, for your emails. I tend to lay low now unless I have something positive to say. Because my attitude about life started downhill six years ago with the diagnosis of my daughter's cancer, I found very little positive energy in my life and I know I expressed that negativity on CSN and this forum. I still go about daily activities, but with little purpose. I no longer have the incentive to take care of the yard, truck, house. etc. so I just do enough to make all presentable. This deep dark hole that I am in has very slick sides. I have certainly accepted the fact that Ron is gone. I finally received the email from the cemetery depicting the layout I had requested. I did not like it. Design is not my forte. I made some different suggestions and am awaiting the new design. There is no rush as he is not going anywhere. My daughter's death is another matter. I do know that she is gone, but still somehow cannot grasp this. I think of her last days and the hell she went through and it is just too much. There will never be any peace for me on that. Although each Hospice is different, hers was not fit for a dying dog, much less a human. I have spoken to my SIL and grandchildren only a couple of times since I have returned home. I suppose they are getting on with their lives. I will try to be more present in the future. They say "life is for the living" and maybe someday I will reconcile myself to that fact. Love, Karen

Donnacas, As long as we are on this earth, it will never stop. Life will always be full of devastating events. They are much harder to deal with now, because we are alone. Somehow we deal with them and accept these things only because we cannot change them. I lost my husband in May 2013 and a few months later began selling many of his things for the simple reason of survival. Yes it hurt, but I had no other choice. With my heart already broken, I was forced to sell our vacation home this past spring. This was where we were to live out our "golden years". The latest blow has been the death of my daughter on July 27. Although I loved my husband very much, this one has been the hardest to accept. Will there be more? You can bet your money on it, but somehow we will make it through because we are survivors. Our husbands would not have it any other way. Love, Karen

Looking for ocean front property? Come to Phoenix metro area. Freak storm dropped 3" to 5+" of rain on us in about 6 hours. Unheard of! Rainfall records have been shattered. Tons of flooding on freeways & surface streets as well as beautiful homes. Most people out here don't carry flood insurance. My heart goes out to them. I must have brought this home with me as it rains every day at my daughter's house. SHOUT OUT TO ANNE! Are you okay? Was going to call you, but phone lines are so wet & crackling that conversation is difficult. Did manage to get a doctor's appt. for next Monday. He is booked this week. I am okay. Checking my BP when I feel dizzy. Was going to do some errands today, but will stay in due to flooding & road closures. My house & street is fine. A quarter mile away, the greenbelt/wash has at least 6' of water rushing through it. Many rescues have taken place as water rushed to the rooftops of cars. My son has a snorkel on his jeep. Wonder if he made use of it on his way to work. LOL On a happy note.....My house is spic & span once again. Am glad as I am stuck here for a while. Love, Karen

I am home & when I walked in the door, seriously considered booking a flight right back to Kentucky. LOL My house looks like a bomb hit it. House cleaning is not my 19 year old grandson's forte. My floors have not been vacuumed or mopped for 3 months. I am wading through cat hair. My kitchen & appliances are filthy. The cat box was changed regularly, but heaven forbid we should vacuum up all the litter that the cat threw over the sides. YUCH! I had my son remove the toilet seat form the main bathroom & throw it away. Need I say more? Picture a really bad house on an HGTV makeover. I spent all day yesterday washing blankets, etc. from my bed where the cat decided to sleep, vacuuming the family room & kitchen, cleaning the fridge & stand up freezer, & creating a clean space to set groceries. Stopped about 5 PM to clean up, grab a bite to eat, & buy groceries. I Had no TP or paper towels. Thank you, Kleenex! Will take me several days to make this place livable. Only have 7 more rooms to go. I flat out told my son that I will not live anywhere in the same house with them if this is how they intend to live & will not clean up after them. This is why a duplex situation would be best for us. Okay, I am through ranting now. On the subject of loneliness which has been addressed many times, before grocery shopping, I decided to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant. I had no one to call & invite along so I ate out alone for the first time since Ron left. I definitely don't like it, sitting in the midst of many couples laughing & enjoying themselves, but like so many other things in my life lately, I put on my "big girl pants" & got on with it. My son works 10 days straight before a day off, so at that point will try & do something with him, my grandson, & his English girlfriend. She will be here for 2 more weeks. My son suggested the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum in Tucson. That will not work unless he boards his dog(which I don't think will happen) as you can't even have pets in the parking lot at that attraction. So they will have to come up with something else. It is back to reality, so I'll call my doctor on Monday as well as the cemetery. I've already started making a list of many things I need to do. I have boxes & bags of things to drop off at the Hospice thrift store & have decided to go ahead & clean out Ron's closet, another step in my long, far in the future preparation to move out of state. Like so many of us, I simply try to keep busy to keep the tears away. Leaving Kentucky with my baby in the ground was just another of so many heartbreaking things I've had to do lately. Love You Guys, Karen

Harry, I am so sorry his has happened. Life definitely has away of slapping us in the face, doesn't it? Please listen to our Fae & just take it easy. Something that everyone has been asking me to do. I know how important this walk is to you & hard for you not to participate, but just this once........... Love, Karen

In the past 16 months, I suppose I have not had much time to devote to socially surviving solo. Almost from the time that Ron left, my son & I have simply been in financial survival mode mixed with our times of grieving. Most weekends were spent doing yard sales, Craigslist, or Ebay. I simply filled my empty days & nights with constant TV, the library, or the grocery store. Sometimes I even made a few pieces of jewelry, but those were few & far between as my desire to create anything had waned. I could not bring myself to sell our beloved cabin in 2013 & of course, it is suggested that no major decisions are made in that first year. I suppose I had this fantasy that I would be able to keep it, but then reality hit, my daughter's condition began to deteriorate, & I sold it as fast as possible to have funds to come out here for a while & help her. As you all know, she did not survive & I will be returning home soon. I retired 8 years ago & did have a circle of "work friends". We would meet for lunch once a month, but I missed so many lunches because of Ron's health, that soon I was no longer even notified of the upcoming lunches. Sad, but I understood after working for 40 years with many different people that they were not "true" friends. I suppose I have no idea how to even make a "true" friend at my age. In that respect, I have learned to be alone. I am not truly alone as my son lives nearby & is always ready to help me & always ready to listen, but we do not really do social things together. I do not have a lunch or dinner partner, but I have grown used to bringing home take-out from my favorite restaurant. LOL I do not like the idea of eating out alone. I am looking forward to returning home & continuing with my quest of selling off many items in preparation for a move out of state in the next couple of years. There again, I will not really be "surviving solo" as I will be moving with my son & grandson. I'm not sure I would be brave enough to break out on my own in unfamiliar surroundings. If for some reason, I remain in Arizona, I will be fine alone here. Lonely, but fine. I guess I really haven't contributed a lot for suggestions. As I stated earlier, I spend most of my time at the library, Walmart, the grocery store, in front of the TV, or making jewelry. Pretty boring, HUH? I hope all of you have many more "fun" things to do or as Fae does, contributes to others. Love, Karen

Was writing to you guys, a big thunderstorm rolled in, & BAM, I lost the electricity. Thank you Fae & Mary, for your warm wishes. I am doing okay. just a bit tired from 2 weekend road trips into the "boonies" in Tennessee. We are talking "Deliverance" here, on one of them, road almost a cow path. LOL The other had paved road, just far back in the hills. I did get to ride one of the horses around the yard anyway. I think everyone thought I might break. Heck, I was on a horse before any one of them were born. I do hope Anne's doc will let her ride. If not, we will try & find something else to do. Had trouble pulling off my boots last night & discovered my ankles were nonexistent. That never happens to me ! I think it's because I quit my BP meds & one of them had a diiuretic. Checked my BP this morning & it was 180/90 so I went ahead & took just the diuretic one. BP is 147/74 now, but will surely get with my doc when I get home so he can figure this out. One of my daughter's friends over on the next farm told me her mother had gotten this crazy Aspergillus in her lungs, lost half a lung, & later died. Gee, thanks for sharing that! Will be heading home on Thursday evening, so when Katherine returns to England, will get in touch with Anne so we can meet. Went to church on Sunday & said my final goodbye to my baby buried in their cemetery. Still cannot believe that she is gone, but in my heart I know. Too much sadness for me, so I must close for now. Love, Karen

Anne, I love you & I am here for you & will be there physically as soon as Katherine(my grandson's girl from England) has finished her visit. I do understand where you are coming from. It is as if you are suddenly a pariah. In my case, we had no friends that we "hung out" with, only each other. So I guess I do not miss the camaraderie of friends, but still at times I wonder if I should die tomorrow, would anyone really care? I know that my son loves me, but he has never been one to call & check on me. Only my girl was the one who would do that & she is gone. And yes, there is very little "fun " in our lives. Or if there is that possibility, so many view us as "too old to do that anymore". Granted, I may need a little help getting on the horse, But I can darn sure still ride it. Which reminds me, do you still ride? That is something fun we could do together when it is cooler. I know all too well that it is not the same "fun" that you had with Jim, but somehow we must create our own "fun". It is only a small respite from our grief, but we must do something to remain sane. We all love you & please regain that desire to look forward. We are here for you. Love, Karen

Love you Fae, but it's not me with the fires & obituary. It is Kay. Kay, I know what you mean about the obituary. My poor SIL had to correct the funeral home 4 times before they got all the names correct. Just another headache you don't need right now. I will try once again when I get home to get Ron's headstone ordered. I thought it was in the works, but have never heard anything further from them since I got here. I just had too much else going on to ever contact them. Love, Karen

Kay, there is no one to give clearance for anything here. If I had not been in dire straits, I wouldn't have bothered going to the hospital. I do give credit for my feeling better to the lung doctor who cleaned out my lungs, but get this..........A week ago, I made a followu up appt. for tomorrow with his partner. I decided to call today & cancel the appt. & just see my own doc when I get back home. After a lengthy conversation a week ago to make the appt.., no one had even written it on the schedule. So, best to wait until I'm on familiar turf. I truly do feel better, just no climbing mountains for a while.. LOL It is not so much that I am going stir crazy as it is very peaceful here, but just the fact that here I sit in my girl's dream home without her. It is a hard one for me to grasp. Even the "flea market" is just a temporary bandaid. Love, Karen

Oh, you Mother Hens......... I love you all. There has really never been anyone to take care of me(except Ron many years before he was ill), there isn't now, & probably never will be. My son does help when I need it. I have just always been the caregiver, never the one needing care. I will get along okay, although sending Anne over is a nice idea, not a scary one. I do plan to go & visit her when I get my head on straight again. No such luck, Fae, as for me having a chauffeur. I am the chauffeur as my grandson does not drive. Of course, if my son has a day off, he can do the honors. Still pretty hot in my area this time of year so may be taking them to a mall or may pile all of us(including the 80 lb dog) in my big truck & head for the mountains. Really don't know what anyone has planned. Will just see what develops. Since my whole world is flipped upside down, I just try to go with the flow. Love You Guys, Karen

How sweet of you, Anne. I am flying home on Sept.4. Before I got so sick, I had given some thought to flying into Amarillo & driving the rest of the way as I don't mind driving that stretch of the road, just don't like making my way through Memphis & Okla. City. But I decided just to come straight home. My grandson's girlfriend from England is flying in on Sept. 2 so will probably be the part time chauffeur again. Still haven't got a handle on that relationship. This weekend, my grandkids & I plan to go to the "flea market" in Bowling Green & maybe some antique stores just for something we can do together. I do not know when I will return to Kentucky. It just isn't right without Debbie here. Have had a bit of a weepy day, just thinking about her suffering & horrible death & how nothing in this life seems fair. I don't envy you your dental work, but I'm sure it will be worth it when it's all completed. I have seen those walk in tubs on TV & they look very nice. I do not like baths myself. I only like showers. LOL I'm also glad that you are getting the Life Alert System. Well, SIL will be home soon from work, so must get ready to go eat & go grocery shopping. Love, Karen

Back among the "living", I believe. BP still a bit crazy, low at times & then high, but I have stopped all meds until I return home & my doc can assess the situation. Getting around okay, just taking it slow. I have missed so many happenings in your lives here. I understand that Kay's Mom has passed away. Kay, I am so very sorry. I know what it is to lose your Mom, especially one who has not been herself for so long, but it still hurts. What has happened to QM's sister? I only know she is not doing well, & that little Faith has been very sick. Mary, I hope Bentley continues to have good days. And dear Anne, I hope your dental pain is tolerable. It can be the worst! For the most part, I can keep the demons at bay, but in the middle of the night, I sometimes just sit on the front porch & cry for all that has been lost to me these past 16 months. My SIL & I talk sometime about our Debbie & how our lives have been turned upside down. As with our spouses deaths, there is a great hubbub of relatives & friends in the beginning & then those of us left behind are forgotten as their lives go on. I will be glad to get back home to my son & grandson & on familiar turf. I could use my son's shoulder right about now. Hope everyone is well and "holding your own" as we all must do now.. Love, Karen

Thank you so much ,Anne. I slowly & carefully made it up the stairs & retrieved my password & managed to take a shower. This is just crazy. My BP has made it up to 110/70 which is low for me as I usually run around 140/80. I have not taken any BP med since Sunday, so am watching it carefully to make sure it doesn't get high again. Am hesitant to return to the hospital as they are who messed it up to begin with. SIL has been working 12 hour days for last 3 days as that is the normal shift & should be off for the next 4 days so I will not be alone out here. Feel useless, but just have no strength. Can manage soup & frozen dinners, but that's about it. Definitely do not like this feeling of helplessness. Talk to you soon. Love, Karen

Home from the hospital, weak & tired, but still kicking. It's a chore to climb the stairs so will sleep on the couch for a while. Doctor opted to not give me the very expensive($300 for me) anti-fungus med as I am slowly recovering. Have only a few days of steroids left along with Thrush(getting better) med, plus an extra BP med for a while. I am so rarely sick that when it hits, it's a doozy. Thinking it will take a few weeks of rest to recover. So have again rebooked my flight for Sept.4. So very sorry to hear of Mary & the little nephew. Life is not fair. Love, Karen

Lung doc back in & it seems I have a fungal infection called Aspergillus, which can be caused by a myriad of things like mold, dirty air filters, etc. It is treatable & in time should go away or get better. Education dept. is to bring me info on it. Docs will decide what meds to use, including the darn steroids, so will have to keep a close eye on my BP, I guess. I knew I was the mystery patient. Yes Mary, I plan to follow up with my primary when I get back home. Nearest hospital here is 40 miles away & not the best either. Will keep you posted. Love, Karen

The demons come out at night, as we all know & I start to silently cry for all that I have lost. So hard to believe I will be saying goodbye to a grave only to return home to one.. Lung doc was in & still leans toward viral pneumonia per the CT results. Still waiting on the rest of the test results. As the prednisone is cut back, the BP should return to what is normal for me. Thank you Fae, for the beet juice info. I can maybe go home tomorrow depending how I do on the 6 minute walk test to determine if I need oxygen. Should be okay if I walk slowly. Will try again in a couple of weeks to get back to Arizona. If still not up to par, will fly my son out to help me. Hope that doesn't become necessary. Money, money, money. I found out the flowers came from one of the nurses who cared for me for 3 nights. We sort of formed a bond & she was my crying towel. I gave her a Loretta Lynn book that I had brought to read as her son's girlfriend would like it. She hugged me goodbye as she is off shift for 5 days. I will never see her again, but she will remain in my heart. So just going day by day. Love, Karen

All of you are too much. I love the flowers, card, & especially the ice cream. Remember I am a chocoholic as most of you are. I received a mystery beautiful flower arrangement. I have no idea who to thank. The card simply says "Get Well Soon From Your New Friends". This is one of the special things about this area of the country. Everyone I have met is warm & kind. It's the kind of place you can go to the store & not bother locking your car, so different from where most of us live. Still waiting for PT to walk with me down the hall. They need to check my O2 level. BP is holding good for now. Love, Karen

Early results show negative for bacteria, but take about 5 days to complete. Fungus tests take longer. Am feeling a bit better, but still short of breath even just sitting. Took a shower & in a while will call PT to walk me in the hall. My BP is very erratic. I do normally take BP meds, but it stays controlled. Now it is running up to 200/110 which tends to get everyone excited(me too). They check it every couple of hours & give me meds. I have a constant dull headache due to the BP, I suppose. Tylenol isn't working so they'll try something else. Even with sleeping pill, only sleep a couple of hours. Still spitting up this crazy foam. Kay, throat is better & knock on wood, thrush is clearing up. Really no family & friends except SIL & grandkids & they are busy working. A very nice lady from Deb's church works at the hospital & visits each day. Guess I'll eat my delicious(NOT) lunch now. Will keep you posted. Love, Karen

Back from the test in one piece minus a bunch of stuff in my lungs. Breathing is a bit easier. Throat a bit sore, but doable. So glad I was asleep. Should have preliminary results in the morning & make a plan. Thank heavens for you, my friends. Love, Karen

From your e-mail, Anne. They are familiar with valley fever. LIke you, about 25 years ago, I had either walking pneumonia or valley fever. Most people who live in Az for any length of time will get it. The problem with testing is that once you've had Valley Fever, you will always test positive for it. These symptoms do not match what I had all those years ago. So back to square one. Karen

Yes Kay, that was the lung doctor. I am not in pain, just constantly choking on whatever this foam is. Debbie's extended family all lives here & they always treat me like family. My ex-husband's wife was here the other night as well as the other grandmother of my grandchildren. One of Debbie's "church family" works in case management here. She saw my name on a chart & visited yesterday. So I am not truly alone, but only around these people every few years. Have only actually been around my SIL a few times as they were only married for a year when Debbie got sick. He was such a knight in shining armor when she needed one. Karen