KarenK

Looking for ocean front property? Come to Phoenix metro area. Freak storm dropped 3" to 5+" of rain on us in about 6 hours. Unheard of! Rainfall records have been shattered. Tons of flooding on freeways & surface streets as well as beautiful homes. Most people out here don't carry flood insurance. My heart goes out to them. I must have brought this home with me as it rains every day at my daughter's house. SHOUT OUT TO ANNE! Are you okay? Was going to call you, but phone lines are so wet & crackling that conversation is difficult. Did manage to get a doctor's appt. for next Monday. He is booked this week. I am okay. Checking my BP when I feel dizzy. Was going to do some errands today, but will stay in due to flooding & road closures. My house & street is fine. A quarter mile away, the greenbelt/wash has at least 6' of water rushing through it. Many rescues have taken place as water rushed to the rooftops of cars. My son has a snorkel on his jeep. Wonder if he made use of it on his way to work. LOL On a happy note.....My house is spic & span once again. Am glad as I am stuck here for a while. Love, Karen

I am home & when I walked in the door, seriously considered booking a flight right back to Kentucky. LOL My house looks like a bomb hit it. House cleaning is not my 19 year old grandson's forte. My floors have not been vacuumed or mopped for 3 months. I am wading through cat hair. My kitchen & appliances are filthy. The cat box was changed regularly, but heaven forbid we should vacuum up all the litter that the cat threw over the sides. YUCH! I had my son remove the toilet seat form the main bathroom & throw it away. Need I say more? Picture a really bad house on an HGTV makeover. I spent all day yesterday washing blankets, etc. from my bed where the cat decided to sleep, vacuuming the family room & kitchen, cleaning the fridge & stand up freezer, & creating a clean space to set groceries. Stopped about 5 PM to clean up, grab a bite to eat, & buy groceries. I Had no TP or paper towels. Thank you, Kleenex! Will take me several days to make this place livable. Only have 7 more rooms to go. I flat out told my son that I will not live anywhere in the same house with them if this is how they intend to live & will not clean up after them. This is why a duplex situation would be best for us. Okay, I am through ranting now. On the subject of loneliness which has been addressed many times, before grocery shopping, I decided to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant. I had no one to call & invite along so I ate out alone for the first time since Ron left. I definitely don't like it, sitting in the midst of many couples laughing & enjoying themselves, but like so many other things in my life lately, I put on my "big girl pants" & got on with it. My son works 10 days straight before a day off, so at that point will try & do something with him, my grandson, & his English girlfriend. She will be here for 2 more weeks. My son suggested the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum in Tucson. That will not work unless he boards his dog(which I don't think will happen) as you can't even have pets in the parking lot at that attraction. So they will have to come up with something else. It is back to reality, so I'll call my doctor on Monday as well as the cemetery. I've already started making a list of many things I need to do. I have boxes & bags of things to drop off at the Hospice thrift store & have decided to go ahead & clean out Ron's closet, another step in my long, far in the future preparation to move out of state. Like so many of us, I simply try to keep busy to keep the tears away. Leaving Kentucky with my baby in the ground was just another of so many heartbreaking things I've had to do lately. Love You Guys, Karen

Harry, I am so sorry his has happened. Life definitely has away of slapping us in the face, doesn't it? Please listen to our Fae & just take it easy. Something that everyone has been asking me to do. I know how important this walk is to you & hard for you not to participate, but just this once........... Love, Karen

In the past 16 months, I suppose I have not had much time to devote to socially surviving solo. Almost from the time that Ron left, my son & I have simply been in financial survival mode mixed with our times of grieving. Most weekends were spent doing yard sales, Craigslist, or Ebay. I simply filled my empty days & nights with constant TV, the library, or the grocery store. Sometimes I even made a few pieces of jewelry, but those were few & far between as my desire to create anything had waned. I could not bring myself to sell our beloved cabin in 2013 & of course, it is suggested that no major decisions are made in that first year. I suppose I had this fantasy that I would be able to keep it, but then reality hit, my daughter's condition began to deteriorate, & I sold it as fast as possible to have funds to come out here for a while & help her. As you all know, she did not survive & I will be returning home soon. I retired 8 years ago & did have a circle of "work friends". We would meet for lunch once a month, but I missed so many lunches because of Ron's health, that soon I was no longer even notified of the upcoming lunches. Sad, but I understood after working for 40 years with many different people that they were not "true" friends. I suppose I have no idea how to even make a "true" friend at my age. In that respect, I have learned to be alone. I am not truly alone as my son lives nearby & is always ready to help me & always ready to listen, but we do not really do social things together. I do not have a lunch or dinner partner, but I have grown used to bringing home take-out from my favorite restaurant. LOL I do not like the idea of eating out alone. I am looking forward to returning home & continuing with my quest of selling off many items in preparation for a move out of state in the next couple of years. There again, I will not really be "surviving solo" as I will be moving with my son & grandson. I'm not sure I would be brave enough to break out on my own in unfamiliar surroundings. If for some reason, I remain in Arizona, I will be fine alone here. Lonely, but fine. I guess I really haven't contributed a lot for suggestions. As I stated earlier, I spend most of my time at the library, Walmart, the grocery store, in front of the TV, or making jewelry. Pretty boring, HUH? I hope all of you have many more "fun" things to do or as Fae does, contributes to others. Love, Karen

Was writing to you guys, a big thunderstorm rolled in, & BAM, I lost the electricity. Thank you Fae & Mary, for your warm wishes. I am doing okay. just a bit tired from 2 weekend road trips into the "boonies" in Tennessee. We are talking "Deliverance" here, on one of them, road almost a cow path. LOL The other had paved road, just far back in the hills. I did get to ride one of the horses around the yard anyway. I think everyone thought I might break. Heck, I was on a horse before any one of them were born. I do hope Anne's doc will let her ride. If not, we will try & find something else to do. Had trouble pulling off my boots last night & discovered my ankles were nonexistent. That never happens to me ! I think it's because I quit my BP meds & one of them had a diiuretic. Checked my BP this morning & it was 180/90 so I went ahead & took just the diuretic one. BP is 147/74 now, but will surely get with my doc when I get home so he can figure this out. One of my daughter's friends over on the next farm told me her mother had gotten this crazy Aspergillus in her lungs, lost half a lung, & later died. Gee, thanks for sharing that! Will be heading home on Thursday evening, so when Katherine returns to England, will get in touch with Anne so we can meet. Went to church on Sunday & said my final goodbye to my baby buried in their cemetery. Still cannot believe that she is gone, but in my heart I know. Too much sadness for me, so I must close for now. Love, Karen

Anne, I love you & I am here for you & will be there physically as soon as Katherine(my grandson's girl from England) has finished her visit. I do understand where you are coming from. It is as if you are suddenly a pariah. In my case, we had no friends that we "hung out" with, only each other. So I guess I do not miss the camaraderie of friends, but still at times I wonder if I should die tomorrow, would anyone really care? I know that my son loves me, but he has never been one to call & check on me. Only my girl was the one who would do that & she is gone. And yes, there is very little "fun " in our lives. Or if there is that possibility, so many view us as "too old to do that anymore". Granted, I may need a little help getting on the horse, But I can darn sure still ride it. Which reminds me, do you still ride? That is something fun we could do together when it is cooler. I know all too well that it is not the same "fun" that you had with Jim, but somehow we must create our own "fun". It is only a small respite from our grief, but we must do something to remain sane. We all love you & please regain that desire to look forward. We are here for you. Love, Karen

Love you Fae, but it's not me with the fires & obituary. It is Kay. Kay, I know what you mean about the obituary. My poor SIL had to correct the funeral home 4 times before they got all the names correct. Just another headache you don't need right now. I will try once again when I get home to get Ron's headstone ordered. I thought it was in the works, but have never heard anything further from them since I got here. I just had too much else going on to ever contact them. Love, Karen

Kay, there is no one to give clearance for anything here. If I had not been in dire straits, I wouldn't have bothered going to the hospital. I do give credit for my feeling better to the lung doctor who cleaned out my lungs, but get this..........A week ago, I made a followu up appt. for tomorrow with his partner. I decided to call today & cancel the appt. & just see my own doc when I get back home. After a lengthy conversation a week ago to make the appt.., no one had even written it on the schedule. So, best to wait until I'm on familiar turf. I truly do feel better, just no climbing mountains for a while.. LOL It is not so much that I am going stir crazy as it is very peaceful here, but just the fact that here I sit in my girl's dream home without her. It is a hard one for me to grasp. Even the "flea market" is just a temporary bandaid. Love, Karen

Oh, you Mother Hens......... I love you all. There has really never been anyone to take care of me(except Ron many years before he was ill), there isn't now, & probably never will be. My son does help when I need it. I have just always been the caregiver, never the one needing care. I will get along okay, although sending Anne over is a nice idea, not a scary one. I do plan to go & visit her when I get my head on straight again. No such luck, Fae, as for me having a chauffeur. I am the chauffeur as my grandson does not drive. Of course, if my son has a day off, he can do the honors. Still pretty hot in my area this time of year so may be taking them to a mall or may pile all of us(including the 80 lb dog) in my big truck & head for the mountains. Really don't know what anyone has planned. Will just see what develops. Since my whole world is flipped upside down, I just try to go with the flow. Love You Guys, Karen

How sweet of you, Anne. I am flying home on Sept.4. Before I got so sick, I had given some thought to flying into Amarillo & driving the rest of the way as I don't mind driving that stretch of the road, just don't like making my way through Memphis & Okla. City. But I decided just to come straight home. My grandson's girlfriend from England is flying in on Sept. 2 so will probably be the part time chauffeur again. Still haven't got a handle on that relationship. This weekend, my grandkids & I plan to go to the "flea market" in Bowling Green & maybe some antique stores just for something we can do together. I do not know when I will return to Kentucky. It just isn't right without Debbie here. Have had a bit of a weepy day, just thinking about her suffering & horrible death & how nothing in this life seems fair. I don't envy you your dental work, but I'm sure it will be worth it when it's all completed. I have seen those walk in tubs on TV & they look very nice. I do not like baths myself. I only like showers. LOL I'm also glad that you are getting the Life Alert System. Well, SIL will be home soon from work, so must get ready to go eat & go grocery shopping. Love, Karen

Back among the "living", I believe. BP still a bit crazy, low at times & then high, but I have stopped all meds until I return home & my doc can assess the situation. Getting around okay, just taking it slow. I have missed so many happenings in your lives here. I understand that Kay's Mom has passed away. Kay, I am so very sorry. I know what it is to lose your Mom, especially one who has not been herself for so long, but it still hurts. What has happened to QM's sister? I only know she is not doing well, & that little Faith has been very sick. Mary, I hope Bentley continues to have good days. And dear Anne, I hope your dental pain is tolerable. It can be the worst! For the most part, I can keep the demons at bay, but in the middle of the night, I sometimes just sit on the front porch & cry for all that has been lost to me these past 16 months. My SIL & I talk sometime about our Debbie & how our lives have been turned upside down. As with our spouses deaths, there is a great hubbub of relatives & friends in the beginning & then those of us left behind are forgotten as their lives go on. I will be glad to get back home to my son & grandson & on familiar turf. I could use my son's shoulder right about now. Hope everyone is well and "holding your own" as we all must do now.. Love, Karen

Thank you so much ,Anne. I slowly & carefully made it up the stairs & retrieved my password & managed to take a shower. This is just crazy. My BP has made it up to 110/70 which is low for me as I usually run around 140/80. I have not taken any BP med since Sunday, so am watching it carefully to make sure it doesn't get high again. Am hesitant to return to the hospital as they are who messed it up to begin with. SIL has been working 12 hour days for last 3 days as that is the normal shift & should be off for the next 4 days so I will not be alone out here. Feel useless, but just have no strength. Can manage soup & frozen dinners, but that's about it. Definitely do not like this feeling of helplessness. Talk to you soon. Love, Karen

Home from the hospital, weak & tired, but still kicking. It's a chore to climb the stairs so will sleep on the couch for a while. Doctor opted to not give me the very expensive($300 for me) anti-fungus med as I am slowly recovering. Have only a few days of steroids left along with Thrush(getting better) med, plus an extra BP med for a while. I am so rarely sick that when it hits, it's a doozy. Thinking it will take a few weeks of rest to recover. So have again rebooked my flight for Sept.4. So very sorry to hear of Mary & the little nephew. Life is not fair. Love, Karen

Lung doc back in & it seems I have a fungal infection called Aspergillus, which can be caused by a myriad of things like mold, dirty air filters, etc. It is treatable & in time should go away or get better. Education dept. is to bring me info on it. Docs will decide what meds to use, including the darn steroids, so will have to keep a close eye on my BP, I guess. I knew I was the mystery patient. Yes Mary, I plan to follow up with my primary when I get back home. Nearest hospital here is 40 miles away & not the best either. Will keep you posted. Love, Karen

The demons come out at night, as we all know & I start to silently cry for all that I have lost. So hard to believe I will be saying goodbye to a grave only to return home to one.. Lung doc was in & still leans toward viral pneumonia per the CT results. Still waiting on the rest of the test results. As the prednisone is cut back, the BP should return to what is normal for me. Thank you Fae, for the beet juice info. I can maybe go home tomorrow depending how I do on the 6 minute walk test to determine if I need oxygen. Should be okay if I walk slowly. Will try again in a couple of weeks to get back to Arizona. If still not up to par, will fly my son out to help me. Hope that doesn't become necessary. Money, money, money. I found out the flowers came from one of the nurses who cared for me for 3 nights. We sort of formed a bond & she was my crying towel. I gave her a Loretta Lynn book that I had brought to read as her son's girlfriend would like it. She hugged me goodbye as she is off shift for 5 days. I will never see her again, but she will remain in my heart. So just going day by day. Love, Karen

All of you are too much. I love the flowers, card, & especially the ice cream. Remember I am a chocoholic as most of you are. I received a mystery beautiful flower arrangement. I have no idea who to thank. The card simply says "Get Well Soon From Your New Friends". This is one of the special things about this area of the country. Everyone I have met is warm & kind. It's the kind of place you can go to the store & not bother locking your car, so different from where most of us live. Still waiting for PT to walk with me down the hall. They need to check my O2 level. BP is holding good for now. Love, Karen

Early results show negative for bacteria, but take about 5 days to complete. Fungus tests take longer. Am feeling a bit better, but still short of breath even just sitting. Took a shower & in a while will call PT to walk me in the hall. My BP is very erratic. I do normally take BP meds, but it stays controlled. Now it is running up to 200/110 which tends to get everyone excited(me too). They check it every couple of hours & give me meds. I have a constant dull headache due to the BP, I suppose. Tylenol isn't working so they'll try something else. Even with sleeping pill, only sleep a couple of hours. Still spitting up this crazy foam. Kay, throat is better & knock on wood, thrush is clearing up. Really no family & friends except SIL & grandkids & they are busy working. A very nice lady from Deb's church works at the hospital & visits each day. Guess I'll eat my delicious(NOT) lunch now. Will keep you posted. Love, Karen

Back from the test in one piece minus a bunch of stuff in my lungs. Breathing is a bit easier. Throat a bit sore, but doable. So glad I was asleep. Should have preliminary results in the morning & make a plan. Thank heavens for you, my friends. Love, Karen

From your e-mail, Anne. They are familiar with valley fever. LIke you, about 25 years ago, I had either walking pneumonia or valley fever. Most people who live in Az for any length of time will get it. The problem with testing is that once you've had Valley Fever, you will always test positive for it. These symptoms do not match what I had all those years ago. So back to square one. Karen

Yes Kay, that was the lung doctor. I am not in pain, just constantly choking on whatever this foam is. Debbie's extended family all lives here & they always treat me like family. My ex-husband's wife was here the other night as well as the other grandmother of my grandchildren. One of Debbie's "church family" works in case management here. She saw my name on a chart & visited yesterday. So I am not truly alone, but only around these people every few years. Have only actually been around my SIL a few times as they were only married for a year when Debbie got sick. He was such a knight in shining armor when she needed one. Karen

SIL worked all night. I let him know what is happening & he'll be by this afternoon. One of the scariest things is that this hospital has a bad reputation. That's why many go to nearby cities instead of here. Six years ago when we were here & Ron smashed his hand, he contracted a MRSA in the ER & a few days later was admitted. The doctors wanted to cut off his hand. I ended up flying him home to Phoenix where a wound clinic saved his hand through a tendon replacement. My daughter refused to be treated here. For as much as I can tell, this doctor seems qualified. As with many small town doctors, he is from India. Karen

Oh Mary, I thank you & everyone else for being nearby. The doctor was in & flat out told me they don't know what is wrong with me. The x-ray shows the pneumonia is almost gone, but I am coughing & spitting up foam. In a bit, I will have a Bronchoscopy to get a biopsy of the stuff in lungs. Fortunately, I will be asleep. I am a real wuss when it comes to stuff like that. He said it may be a fungus or unknown bacterial infection which the current meds can't touch. So will try to keep a stiff upper lip for a while. Love, Karen

Sitting here alone & frightened. I know not to borrow trouble, but doctors seem to be having trouble figuring out what is wrong with me. First they thought it was bacterial pneumonia & then viral pneumonia. Now there isn't any pneumonia,but I am short of breath, even when sitting still. I had a CT last night to check for blood clots in lungs & nurse said none were there. Am now waiting for lung doctor who is probably going to want more tests. No food or water until he has seen me. Just feeling the brunt of being alone without that one person who could put his arms around me & tell me that it will be okay. That feeling that so many of you have had as you face your own health demons. I have been told that I have COPD which is more or less a given as I have been a smoker for 50 years. My bad on that one. I knew the risks & took them anyway. Please keep me in your prayers today. I just want to get better & go home. Love, Karen

Now have pneumonia----Am in hospital in Glasgow,Ky---Very sick, weak, & shaking from meds---Also have Thrush in mouth & throat---YUCH!--- Typing with 1 hand---Update when better. Luv, Karen

My Friends, wanted to let you know that I went to the urgent clinic on Sunday evening. Could not breathe anymore & still having a difficult time. No pneumonia, but severe bronchitis, made worse by so many allergens here & high humidity. Have antibiotic, steroids, & an inhaler,but not getting much better. Was not my plan to be somewhat of a burden to my son-in-law. Just wanted to be helpful around the farm & for moral support. I made him a copy of the "Mourner's Rules". He already has some relatives asking about Deb's clothes! Granddaughter has brought pizza, so will stop & eat. Love, Karen