KarenK

I don't believe that I've ever been angry at Ron for leaving. If anything, that anger is directed at myself and cancer. Marriage is hard. You learn to make sacrifices. I cared for him through diabetes, heart attacks, and finally cancer for 20 of the 40 years that we were married. Like you Gwen, you don't give it a second thought, you just do it because you love them no matter what you lose along the way. Had the tables been reversed, they would have done it for us. In our years of marriage, there were many times when I wished that he would just "go away", usually after a horrible argument. I just wanted to be alone. "Alone" is not near as pleasant as I thought it would be. "Be careful what you wish for" comes to mind. I certainly did not want him to die and I did not cause him to go away. Cancer stole him.

Brad, I' so sorry this krap interrupted your "ok day" In time, these Medicare things do stop coming. They seem to run way behind in relation to explanation of benefits statements. Got another one of those cremation offers for Ron today. I have gotten used to the stuff, i guess. I just tear them up and put in the recycle bin before I get to the door. Bet you did a lot of shoveling. You are buried there. I looked at the Pinetop webcam at Hon Dah earlier. Still raining in bits and pieces here, but should clear out by tomorrow afternoon. If it's dry enough, I'm going to the Flagg Gem Show in Mesa(just like to look around). Hope your evening is going better.

Gwen, I was thinking about this the other night. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to any more. No more conversations, no more dinners out, no more vacations, no more anything that we used to do. I have become stagnant going through the same motions day after day. I am certainly not suicidal, but often wonder just what is the point of going on. Life to me is just simply surviving now, paying that next bill and buying groceries. My highlight seems to be going to the library for endless books and movies. And yes, those thoughts of Ron's and Debbie's last few days still prey on my mind. They are not something I will ever forget, even if I tried. Unfortunately they are burned into my brain, even more than the many happy memories that came before. For some there is that light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps for some of us, there will never be.

Constant sunshine is boring so I am enjoying the rain we are getting this week. Yes, Brad, they got it right for once. Our little cabin in Munds Park would sometimes get 4 to 6 feet in the winter. Enough to cave in roofs on some of the more expensive newer homes. Ours stood well for over 40 years. Only lost 1 metal storage shed in all that time. Rebuilt with a sturdy wooden one. No heat in the cabin except for fireplace and space heaters. Fine for a few days, but way too expensive to run in winter. If I had been able to move there, I would have put in propane. Damn, I hated losing that place.

Oh, HH I'm sorry that you are having such a terrible day. I am sending you a BIG HUG right now. Your phrase for today is "Just Breathe", hon. I called my daughter sobbing hysterically the day that Ron was put on life support and I"ll never forget those words she said to me. "Breathe, Mom, just breathe. It will be alright." And for you and all of us here, in time it will be alright, not great, but alright.

Thank You, Anne. The interpretation is for each of us to choose. I choose to believe Ron is walking with me.

I don't know how to download from YouTube, but I found several versions of "You'll Never Walk Alone". I think I like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version the best, so if someone could put it here, it would be nice. Don't know what made me think of it, but when I was much younger, I used to sing it solo at the church services held by the NPS in Grand Teton National Park. I remember it being a tough song for a 12 year old. LOL My voice(among other things) is gone now.

We have Canadians on our in town park lakes. Some idiot(City Council, I think) passed a law to not feed them as it creates "poop" on the sidewalk. Guess what? There's still poop on the sidewalk. Then it was decided to relocate them. The geese decided otherwise and flew back. LOL Gotta love "man". While Brad gets his slush and snow, we're expecting a week of rain. I believe the forecast when the first drop hits. Nevertheless, I chopped down the weeds and dead grass yesterday. Rain causes giant, nasty weeds here.

Boy, did I get that wrong! I must have been thinking of our sweet friend, Janka. Yes, Jance is the author, BUT Nevada Barr is the author of the NPS employee. I have read all of Jance, also. Am checking out the Box novels now. FUZZY BRAIN SYNDROME TODAY!

One of my favorite movies is Shadowlands, the story of how C.S. Lewis met his wife, Joy and found love late in life. It is a sad one, though and you may not want to watch it right now. I have not read any of his books. Marg, I will check out the C.J Box books. I read J.A. Janka who writes mysteries about an NPS employee.

I'm afraid I'm not very "tech savvy" either. Fortunately, my son & grandson both are. My son builds his own computers. When some new electronic thing comes into this house, one of them sets it up for me & troubleshoots. My internet provider leaves something to be desired, but okay most of the time. I don't have an iPhone(just an cheap Tracphone) which I never remember to carry with me anyway. Also, no reading device. I like plain old fashioned books. Can't live without that microwave though. LOL

Gwen, I can't watch the animal commercials either. The ones that upset me the most are Cancer Centers Of America. Funny how all their patients seem to thrive. Dang Kay, Pack up and come down here to Scottsdale. Arlie and Marley would be fine. Not too sure about the cats. Marley might eat them. She seems to have an intense dislike of cats and small dogs.

Gwen, Now you made me think of my mother. My dad didn't believe in drinking AT ALL. Sometimes when she was cooking, I noticed her "sipping" from a glass hidden in the cabinet. Gotta love that woman. She's been gone for 9 years now and I sure miss her.

Among the movies I watched last night was "The Guys". It was not a "blockbuster", simply a film about a writer in New York who helped a fire captain to write eulogies for some of his men after the 9-11 tragedy. As the film progressed, she began to understand just who and what had been lost. It was a sad one as the captain described each of his men that was lost. At the end, she silently screamed "I want them back" as she mentally rewound all the events that took place before the planes hit the towers. I'm sure each and every one of us would like to hit that rewind button, but unfortunately the tape has to play all the way through. In time it becomes a bit easier, and somehow we survive. For me, it has been 2+ and 1+ years respectively since losing my husband and daughter, and I still function each day. "Function" is the key word. I have not found happiness, but have not given up hoping for it one day.

Oh, Gang I am not much of a drinker anyway and this fits my budget. A bottle lasts a long time as I forget it's there. Gotta use those pink wine glasses for something. LOL

My energy level matches that of the frog. LOL Thanks Marty, loved the videos, especially Peer Gynt and Free Hugs. Kay, so sorry your son & family aren't coming. Just me, Marley, movies, and Boones' Farm Strawberry Hill. I'm not much of a wine connoisseur.

Kay, I hesitated and thought long and hard about baring my soul. I could relate things that would curl your toes, as they say but it would be inappropriate so I keep them inside. I too, feared possible rejection and if it happens, then so be it. It is something I have grown accustomed to. Ron had an abusive childhood and a first wife who was unfaithful, a heroin addict and had tried once to kill him. We came from entirely different backgrounds. I'm sure his past had a great deal to do with his treatment of me. As I said to Keith, the good times were good, but the bad times were a living nightmare. Marg, I think when I was much younger, I was a "girly girl", but always a cowgirl at heart. After 40 years in business attire, I gave away all those things. I wear boots(10 pair), jeans and t-shirts or western shirts. I only wear makeup for those rare visits to church. That is just who I am. I am blessed with my mother's "look 10 years younger" genes. I am also imperfect. LOL

Never a dull moment would describe our lives also, Kevin. Good times and some really, really bad ones. June Cleaver I'm not, Marg. Not even close. More like Annie Oakley.

Marg, Like yours our marriage had many ups and downs and forgive and forgets, but we weathered the storm. I loved him with all my heart. He was very jealous and for all those years, any male friendship I had put him on high alert. It was extremely difficult for me as I worked with men for 40 years. He had absolutely no reason for worry, but I could never convince him. That subject remained "at large" for our entire marriage. He said and did some very horrible and hateful things to me, yet I stayed and I still loved him. I guess it doesn't matter now, but I hurt. I hurt because he died believing things about me that weren't true.(That is my beef with God....that he could not answer my simple prayer for Ron to see the truth). I hurt because I think he no longer loved me. We had not been intimate for 20 years due to sexual dysfunction caused by his diabetes, but I stayed. It did not matter to me because I loved him. In the last few years, he would no longer hold my hand or show any affection. I hurt because he drove my daughter away when she was 15. Before she died she told me she could not stand the way he treated me. I had known this all along but not once told him for fear of hurting him. He loved her very much. Yet, I stayed because I loved him. So now I have the guilt of wondering what would have happened if she'd never moved away...............These are a few of the things that swirl through my brain each time I try to sleep. I can't shut them off and I will never have the answers. I have also been through the drug scene with my son. He grew up when he was about 30 and gave it up. I hope this isn't TMI for anyone, but I had no one else to tell. My daughter was my confidante. There are things I can't tell my son about his father. I simply hurt and this is a long lonely journey.

Brad, I chalk it up to distraction combined with exhaustion. Remember, you had just driven 4 hours to get here. Just tonight, I headed for Walmart instead of the library which was my first intended destination. Easy to correct, but it tends to prey on your mind when you suddenly become disorganized. What bothers me more is forgetting simple words when I'm speaking. I too, make lists of destinations when I am running multiple errands. When I was younger, I could multitask. Many things require more concentration now. Methinks old age is creeping up. LOL

Kay, I wish that also. As much as I love the mountains, I am so acclimated to the desert, I don't think I would be as hearty as you. It is about 50 degrees here. I would not drive on ice either. I discovered something funny. I used to have a pretty decent voice, but tried to sing some of the hymns last night and no sound would come out, was just hoarse. I speak fine, but it was a bit scary. So, just for the heck of it, I tried singing a few minutes ago and the same thing happened. Weird! I hope Mitch is doing ok. I know he is having a very rough time coping. I also wonder how Butch is doing. Did you ever find Fae? Are you still going to the Christmas luncheon at the church? I hope you can drive there safely.

Sleep continues to be elusive to me during the night. I went to bed at 4:30 hoping to be alert about 10:00 when my son is coming to open gifts. Should have known better. Got back up at 5:30 and am watching TV. Guess I'll sleep after 1:00 PM when he leaves for work. We are having our Christmas ham and trimmings tomorrow as he has the day off and can take the flowers to the gravesites. Last night I went to a candlelight service. It was very nice, but lonely. There is no one to call or visit with as we used to do. Things are so different now. I just feel numb most of the time. I hope everyone has a pleasant day.

WolfsKat, Have a pleasant flight and enjoyable time with your family. I know it will be comforting to be among them, even if feeling sad at times. The great majority of my flying was done with Ron and it did feel strange when he was not with me on my flight to Kentucky to visit my daughter. The worst flight was returning home after I had unexpectedly buried her. Even though all of Debbie's Kentucky family and friends had been most gracious to me, I could not wait to get off that plane and be comforted by my son. I expect my flying days are over. Hollowheart, Please feel better and see the movie in honor of your sister. I remember when the first "Star Wars" debuted. I was working and my mother and Ron stood in line for hours to take Debbie to it. She was 12 years old. So sad, all three are gone now.

Well, December 22 and the Christmas grinch has struck. The lights on my tiny tree have quit working. I ordered 2 video games for my grandson from Best Buy on Nov. 27 and have been checking periodically for their arrival at the store. Always told they will be here soon. Got an email today saying order was cancelled as availability is unknown. This is not catastrophic, but any inconvenience is magnified, as you all know. I have reordered the games from Walmart, which will not be here until Jan. 4, and plan to go look for a tiny light strand later. I don't send cards anymore as there is no one left. I got a card though, from my ex(Debbie's dad) and family. Funny that he's the only one who thinks of me. Hope everyone has a pleasant Christmas

With all these thoughts and questions swirling around in our brains 24/7, it is no wonder we are half crazy. There are no easy answers because the one person who would help us solve these dilemmas is not here. I understand about thinking of telling the stranger on the tram that you have lost your love. Sometimes I feel that grief is oozing from my pores. Why can't others see it? But they don't. Even though we may seem a bit sad looking on the outside, no one can see the enormous sadness we carry inside. Because we are human, our brains tell us we must go on. Because we are human, our hearts just don't comply as quickly. Because we are human, we will make it through this.