KarenK

I'm sure that Mark knew exactly how much you loved him, just as Ron did with me. Yet, after being hospitalized for a month, a couple of days before he was put on life support, he spoke up and asked me if I wanted a divorce and if I was tired of taking care of him. I know it was the illness and despair talking. We had been married for a very long time(40+ years) and he had been ill with various things for the last 20. Caregiving was a way of life for me and I would not change a thing, except to have wished for better health for him for his benefit. Some things he said to me regarding his care were very hurtful, but I always did the best I could for him just as you did for Mark. I did not get to say goodbye as he had slipped into a coma, but I'm sure he knew I was there. When he could no longer speak because of the ventilator, I gave him paper and a pencil. Although his mind was fading, he managed to scribble a big "WIFE" on it one day before I arrived at the hospital. I know he was waiting for me. I keep that paper in a drawer, but cannot look at it too often. The same is true for the horse t-shirt I bought for my daughter a few days before she left. She never got a chance to wear it. Just kind of rambling here. I always try to think of all the positive things I did for each of them, not only the negative which seem to rear their ugly heads in your worst moments. Karen

That is perhaps the harshest reality of all, Maryann. That we will never see our loved ones again. For me, there seems like so many things were left unsaid, to both my daughter and husband. Because she did not live close by, we did not see each other often, only talked on the phone each week. I will never forget during my last visit when she apologized to me for "deserting" me all those years ago when she left to live with her dad. She had fallen madly in love(at age 15) and didn't want to return home. For 35 years she had lived with that guilt and never expressed it to me. I was glad she finally told me and I assured her that although I was sad when she left, I did not feel that she deserted me. It was a comfort to her to know how I felt. Pongo sounds like a very special little guy and I'm glad he found you and Mark. My last dog, a Black Lab lived to be 14 and was a "found" dog. My son found him in the park, a tiny, very ill puppy that we nursed back to health. He was one of the best dogs ever. Karen

Terrible of me, but not all my fault. I am still trying to get the design for the headstone right. The last picture I sent to them was a photo of the Tetons, just the mountains with snow and a lake in the foreground. Something even I could probably draw. They have not fired Mickey Mouse yet as the sample returned to me was of a big iceberg. My son and grandson concur with that opinion. Because my grandson is so computer savvy, he took their drawing, removed the iceberg and put in what I wanted. I have gone a completely different direction with my design. I am trying for unique, so I chose a "Dust Devil" and a pair of cowboy boots for the corners and a western type heart for the center. I took the finished picture of the headstone, along with separate pictures of each of the items up to the cemetery today. I will give them a while to look it over and hit me with the cost. If it is too much, I will have only the heart. The story for the dust devil and boots dates back to the 70's when we had a CB radio business. Ron was Dust Devil, I was Lady Boots(which is all that I wear), and Debbie was Dusty Shoes. Of course, Robert would be the only one who would even know why those were on the headstone from stories we have told. I can hardly wait for their next example. LOL Time will tell. Love, Karen

Somehow we move forward. At times with a sense of guilt that our spouse or daughter(both in my case) will not be experiencing this new phase of our lives. At times it is bittersweet. At others, we realize it must be as it is. We can always have our memories without remaining in the past. When I got my new dog, my first thought was how much Ron would have loved this dog. So, I will have to give her enough love as both of us would have. Peace to you, Karen

I have found my new forever friend. Her name is Marley and she is a cream colored lab/shepherd. Just a beautiful girl. I had seen her on the Humane Society website a few nights ago. She had come in that day and I knew someone would scoop her up the next day. Sure enough when I looked , her picture was gone. So yesterday, I checked for other dogs and she was back. I called my son and we went to meet her. I knew she would be fairly sizable and was almost afraid I couldn't handle her. Although she is 60+ lbs., she is 3 years old and will not grow and does well on the leash. She is very human oriented and wants to be right by your side and she is housebroken, a big plus. She and my grandson love each other. She stayed in his room until I got up this morning. I am so glad I could give her a new home and it is a new "leaf" for me. Will take some pictures as soon as I can. Love, Karen

Hello All, Last night, I went to my first "social" gathering. It is a widows/widowers meetup group for over 50's. I joined this group back in October, but have just not felt like meeting a bunch of strangers. Kind of unusual for me, but as we know, it takes a while to get into the "I" syndrome as opposed to "we". It was dinner & dancing at a Country/Western place which I really like. I knew it would be a bit tough as my Debbie was the Country dancer. The band was great. A bit ironic that the band lead performer is the former owner of the place where Ron and I went on our first date 43 years ago. Other than Debbie's wedding party in Nashville 9 years ago, I have not been in a bar for all those years. The food was good, band was great, and group welcomed me. Of course, it was very crowded and loud, so not a lot of conversation. It's funny though, that even in a crowd, you can be lonely. I did ascertain that all the others have been widowed far longer than I have, but I know that the only way to "get wet" is to jump in with both feet. All in all, I had a good time and will probably go to other functions. On the homefront, my grandson continues his depression & anxiety. He took the prescribed meds for a month & didn't want a refill as they were not working. I explained to him that sometimes many meds have to be tried before the right combination is found, but he does not care. He saw the counselor only once and told me to cancel his May 1 appt. with the nurse/prac, which I did. He does not care enough to go for treatment. Cancer is ever present in my life as I lost 2 good online friends last week, also member of CSN. I had met face to face with one of the fellas when he was in the hospital here & the other was my "adopted" Texas son, as we both hailed form Texas. Quite a sad week. My life feels like a bad soap opera, but I continue to rise each day and move forward. It is still difficult to accept what has happened to my family. I hope all are well and taking those "baby steps". We survive because we have to. Karen

Hello All, Finally after a month, the hole from my extraction has healed, although the space is the size of the Grand Canyon. I am doing OK, having reached the 68th year of my birth today and as a whole remain in good health. My grandson has finally agreed to go and talk to someone and has an appointment for tomorrow. Because he is on the state's insurance, his options for care are limited. He wanted a psychiatrist, but is only covered for a counselor, followed by a nurse practitioner for meds in 6 weeks. There is an emergency clinic if he can't wait 6 weeks. He appears as despondent about losing his girlfriend as we are or have been over losing our spouses and cannot comprehend that we do get through this. I guess we will see what comes from this appointment. I am sad for him that his is so broken, but I don't have the skills need to help. A grandmother's love does not conquer all. Hoping everyone is doing well. I love you all. Karen

Harry, Your post makes my heart hurt for you. You are highly intelligent and so very compassionate. You strive so hard to attain your goals. IMHO you are overextending and I understand this also. In some ways, it is so much easier to have a lot of irons in the fire so that you have less time to dwell on your own personal sadness. I sense a person who needs to step back a bit and just "be". Perhaps put some of your plans on hold for a while. I know we all want to outrun what has happened to us, but it can't be done. Soon we will be trampled in the race. Please slow down & take care. You are so valuable to all of us. Love, Karen

OUCH! I finally went to the dentist today & had my bad tooth extracted. It had been breaking off a piece at a time starting last June the night before my flight to Kentucky. It never hurt much but caused jaw infections several times. After the last one, I said "Enough". This extraction was a real zinger. The tooth wanted to stay & it took the dentist forever to get it out. He had to cut it in several pieces & pull it a little at a time. Needless to say, I wasn't looking forward to the Novocaine wearing off & the pain & severe gum swelling is as expected. Fortunately, I have some pain meds left from the last infection which are helping some. I liken to this having my wisdom teeth chiseled out by an oral surgeon many years ago. I was asleep for that one & it took me several days to recover. I am becoming wimpy in my old age. On another note, my grandson is much the same, but not talking suicide anymore. Mostly he is just not talking. He did manage to tell me that if I requested outside help, he would off himself on the spot. One morning I woke to his sobbing & tried to comfort him. He simply gave me a hateful look and said "Don't touch me", so I left him alone. Shortly afterward, the police were at my door asking about him. He had been online & someone sent them to my house. The only person who would have the address is his ex-girlfriend in England so I'm assuming it was her. So many of us here just doing our best to survive. I know we will be okay, but sometimes the boulders in the road seem insurmountable. I think of Butch & all that he continues to endure. I just wish he & is family would get a break. Off to watch TV & read hoping this crazy pain will dissapate. Karen

Funny how you get used to having a little pet around. Every time I go in the kitchen, I expect this little black body at my feet begging for some of whatever it is. He could never figure out that he was not human & thus thought he should eat whatever I did. Off to the dentist to get my bad tooth pulled(finally). Have been putting it off for a long time. Karen

No more little paws padding silently around the house. No more welcoming meows as I fill his food dish. At 3 AM this morning, I took our sweet cat to the 24 hr. vet. His health had been gradually failing and our vet said it was just signs of his nearing his time. He was 15+ years old. He had all but stopped eating, drinking, etc & preferred to just lay quietly in a dark place & until last night showed no signs of being in distress. After a couple of hours of raspy mewing, I noticed he was having difficulty breathing & was suffering. The vet said the humane thing to do was to let him go, so that is what I did. He was Ron's little buddy. In fact, the last picture I have of Ron taken 3 months before he left is of him & the cat together. So, if there is a Heaven, I know they will find each other. RIP Batman

First, I want to thank each of you for your concern & suggestions, especially you, Mary for taking the time as I know you are on hiatus. I will discuss these suggestions with my son as he is as lost about this as I am. My grandson has an extremely short fuse & gets upset when anything does not go his way. It is not a perfect world and things do go awry, but he cannot seem to accept this. This is the main reason he & his dad don't get along. Thus he lives with me. He mentioned that if I called someone to come in & help him that he would kill himself on the spot. I hope this was just his "bravado" talking. He is not violent unless provoked beyond reason & never with me. He does not smoke, drink, do any drugs or socialize AT ALL unless through the Internet. He is an introvert who does not want to be around strangers. He becomes extremely anxious in new situations & therefore has never held a job. Academically he did well in school, but not socially, so he tried online schooling which he got tired of and did not complete. In actuality, he is very intelligent just like his dad, but has no way to apply it. It is a "can of worms" & has been for quite some time as his mother deserted him when he was little more than a year old. She lives within 5 miles & has several other children, but it is as if he never existed. In his eyes, she is dead. My son raised him alone(with a bit of help from Mom & Dad) & the few women my son had relationships with really did not "mother" him. You would think he might hate women, but that is not the case. I know this is contributing to his feeling of worthlessness whether he admits it or not. I know this is only part of the problem & a professional may be able to get to the bottom of it. If only he would accept that suggestion. If this topic continues, in deference to other members, I should probably continue it in the Talking Heals thread as this area is for positives. Love, Karen

Hello My Friends, As we all know, for every positive, there must be a negative. On the positive side, my son & I went to Tucson for a couple of days to the Tucson Gem & Mineral Show. Ron & I had been several times, but Robert had never gone. We had a great time. He is a Geology "buff", so was very excited to see all the stones. I bought a few bead strands & a Boulder Opal pendant which is from Australia. This trip was special for both of us as we do so little together. On the very negative side, my grandson has become more & more depressed & is talking suicide. He is generally an unhappy person, more so since his girlfriend from "across the pond" has broken up with him. He will not talk to his dad or me & just stays on the computer in his room. I did convince him to go to a doctor last month for some anxiety meds which he takes, but they are doing nothing for him & he has told me to cancel his upcoming appt. We are all familiar with the loss of our soulmate & that it takes time to lessen the hurt, but he can not see this, of course. He feels it is selfish of me to want him to remain on this earth. I feel it is selfish of him to give up on life as I watched 2 of the people I loved struggle so hard to stay alive. His dad & I are at a loss. He is an adult in the eyes of the law & I can't force him to seek professional help, but suffice to say that I am very worried. I have not heard from my SIL or grandkids in Kentucky for a while. I e-mailed my grandson twice regarding his other grandmother's address so I could send his birthday gift, but have not heard back. The last time I spoke with my SIL, he was having financial difficulty and considering selling the beautiful farm. Please forgive me for not being more supportive. I am nearby, but at times can offer no solace. I struggle each day with the loss of Ron & I guess even more with the loss of Debbie. The manner in which they were taken just seems so cruel & senseless. But life goes on for all of us in whatever manner it wishes. We don't have much say in it, do we? Love you guys, Karen

Butch, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful Mary. She was such a special person. My husband Ron has been gone for 20 months now, and my daughter Debbie for 6 months. It is still difficult for my heart to comprehend. Sadly my brain does. I think any one of us who has been a caregiver can understand your waking and chastising yourself for being asleep. When I donated all of Ron's diabetic supplies and heart meds, I had to really convince myself he no longer needed them. For months I still slept with one eye open in case he called to me. In time that does abate. I hope you are getting some rest, although I know how difficult it is right now. I am also sorry that your in-laws added to your grief with the crass thoughts they expressed. You certainly have no reason to feel guilty. Each of us here did the very best we could to care for our spouses and other loved ones. The outcome was simply not in our control. I also was very angry at the poor medical care received by my husband and the atrocious Hospice care received by my daughter as well as the cancer that took them from me. In reality the anger was for nothing as it did not bring either of them back. Please visit whenever you need us. This is a wonderful group of people. Karen

I suppose I am still floundering around without a positive direction resting erratically, spending money at the casino that I should save for the future, but then I think, "What future?". Sometimes I feel like my life no longer means anything, that I am just taking up space. Never so in the past, but now it is hard for me to go out and make friends as I have this constant cloud of sadness hovering over me which is not conducive for making a good impression. I have yet to make an appearance at any of the functions of the widows over 50 social group that I joined. Somehow I have lost my self confidence. On a positive note, I made a hotel reservation for the Tucson Gem and Mineral Show in February for my son and myself. It is very impressive and he has never been able to go. Ron and I went for several years and I was blown away the first time with dealers in almost every hotel room in the city, plus huge tents and the Kino Sports Complex. Robert wants to get a meteorite and I usually buy a few bead strands(like I need more beads). I'm hoping the fellows from Meteorite Men will again be there as we have met before. AT least it is something for me to look forward to, I guess. Hoping this year will be a better one for all of us. Harry, I so admire your ability to forge ahead. Love, Karen

Happy New Year to my many friends. Up until Ron became ill, we would go out to a neighborhood restaurant and then off to the casino for the Champagne toast. After a turkey sandwich I will still go to the casino for a bit. No Champagne toast or Midnight kiss, I'm afraid. Love, Karen

Kay, I'm so glad to see that you are getting around a little better. I so understand the need for help, even with the mundane tasks of fixing food or going to the potty. Of course, I didn't have surgery, only that crazy pneumonia and tanking BP last summer in Kentucky. My SIL was gone for 14 hours each day and it was a real effort to walk a few steps without passing out. My Christmas was okay but marred of course without Ron or Debbie. Added to that was the stress of my son & grandson who cannot get along. There was a bright spot though. My ex called to thank me for the flower arrangement I had sent to him and his wife in honor of our daughter and then later my Kentucky grandkids called. so, all in the world is as right as it will ever be. Couldn't stand sitting home alone on Christmas night, so I went to the casino just for something to do. When I left, I thought I was in Flagstaff. LOL It was like 35 degrees outside. I know that's not cold to you, but to this ol' Phoenix girl, that's COLD. Hoping someone is stepping up to help you. If not, give Home Health another call. Maybe there is someone available now. Love, Karen

The lights of Christmas joy dimmed considerably for Ron and me in 2008 when Debbie was diagnosed with cancer as we knew in our hearts that her time was markedly limited. Still, we contributed with gifts and as much happiness as we could muster. For me now, the lights barely shine as I struggle to remember the happier times past. Gone are the days of the 7' tree with all the beautiful decorations and so many presents you could barely get near the tree. Gone is the Christmas night drive around the city appreciating folks' magnificent displays. Gone are the day after Christmas sales with all the huge discounts on decorations and childrens toys. Gone is the anticipation of receiving a special gift from the ones I love, not for the material or selfish reason of wanting the gift, only for the fact those loved one are gone forever. And last, gone for me is the real reason we celebrate Christmas. Peace to each of you, Karen

I have been absent for a while, I guess mostly because I feel I have little to offer. But then I got to thinking, we all offer whatever we can. That's why we are the "tribe". Fae, I am heartbroken to see that you have undergone yet another surgery, but so happy to see you came through with flying colors. Kay, I'm so sorry to hear of your problems and that you are also facing surgery. I know it will go smoothly. We wouldn't have it any other way. Also saddened to hear that Shannon's Mary is deteriorating. I did not realize that she had ALS. I only thought she was recovering from a stroke. How devastating for her and her family. And QM. Sounds like your household is going through a really tough time. I'm glad to hear that your sister is showing improvement, no matter how small. Hope all will be well with your former SIL. BTW, I am missing our own personal Mary here. Is she OK? I am managing okay with my grandson here. He finally got his state ID so next week, we'll go to SS for his duplicate card and he can begin to look for work. No easy task as he has no HS diploma. Of course in Az, we employ most of the illegal aliens and provide insurance for them, so what's a little HS diploma? I have done what little Christmas shopping I need online, most of it being electronics and gift cards. Still not used to not buying for Ron and now Debbie. But trying to be in the spirit, I put up my tiny tree. I bought myself a 46" Samsung TV. Nothing wrong with the 37" LG I had, just a bit easier to see in my old age. LOL Good thing my grandson is here as my son accidentally hooked up the color cables to the DVD player backwards. Was watching X-Men tonight and most everyone was blue. Heck, I thought it was normal since X-Men is a Sci-Fi. David said "No", and reconnected the cables correctly. Technology is NOT my forte. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of visiting one of the members of CSN in a local hospital. He is in dire straits with colon blockages and many tumors and will be going to MD Anderson in Houston. It is one of the best. Although I have been a member of CSN for many years, he is the first person I have met face to face. Well, just wanted to drop in and say hello. My life has changed so much and most of the time, I am in limbo for self protection I guess. I cannot dwell on the fact that half of my family is gone now or I would be in the psych ward. Love, Karen

Oh, Fae, I'm so glad that you are home and resting, but what a stressful way to rest! Are you sure she is not Laurel or Hardy or a member of the Keystone Cops? What a nightmare.! And what restraint you showed by not killing her.! Should not her employer cover all of these damages for you? If your homeowner's insurance is like most, there will be a deductible to meet and it is so not fair for you to bear the burden. Hoping you are getting a little rest and a new caregiver. Love, Karen

Thank you Jan. Isn't it funny that although the rest of my little family is right here, you all are the ones that keep me going because you understand. My son seems to "get it", but my grandson, not at all. There is no solace in his arms. Perhaps it is because of his rough emotional childhood. I started to cry a bit this evening just remembering Debbie's last hours before she slipped over the edge mentally and how she reached for the horse on her t-shirt I held up in front of her. And then the pain, drugs and probably cancer in her brain took her away. I cannot wipe that from my mind. I can only hope she and Ron are at peace together. When I try to express my feelings to my grandson, he shuts me out. This is not new. He has shut me out for years. I do wish he would realize that, but for me, he would be on the street. His dad can take no more of him. I am not looking for a big wad of gratitude, just a little love and compassion. Sorry, kind of got off track for this thread. Love, Karen

I do not feel strange talking to Ron, but it always brings tears. Mostly now, I talk to him about Debbie and how very sad I am because I could not save her. He is the only one who would understand. She and my son were not terribly close due to the difference in age and the fact he was only a year old when she left here. His dad's leaving truly struck him harder than his stepsister's and that is to be expected. I can speak Ron's name without crying, but not Debbie's. That won't change any time soon. Love, Karen

Jan, I also will be thinking of you tomorrow. I know it is hard to reflect back on those times. So sorry that you fell. I have rarely fallen, but seem to land on my butt when it happens so no harm there, just embarrassment. Grrr, Kay! Sorry you aren't doing well and having to wait on insurance. Knock on wood, but Medicare and my AARP secondary seem to be okay, but then again, I don't see a doctor often and am also fortunate that my former employer covers the premiums. November 19 will be my second anniversary without Ron. It would have been our 42nd year. So hard to comprehend that we married so long ago and now life, as it is, is just flying by. I still have a difficult time accepting that both he and my beautiful daughter are gone. I talked to my SIL and he is now having problems with his heart(chest pains,) and also leg cramps that put him on the ground. He will see a specialist on the 11th. My grandson is back living at my house again. Another big blowup between him and my son. I hate being in the middle. I have enough grief right now. I joined a local 50+ widows social group hoping to meet new folks, but so far the meetings all happen at least 20 miles from home. I was hoping for something closer, but I may have to "bite the bullet" and drive the distance. Not so much that I am in a "social" mood, but would just hope to enjoy meeting new friends. Be well everyone. Love, Karen

Hello All, I am still in the land of the living, although "existing" would be a better description. Thanks Mary & Kay, for your emails. I tend to lay low now unless I have something positive to say. Because my attitude about life started downhill six years ago with the diagnosis of my daughter's cancer, I found very little positive energy in my life and I know I expressed that negativity on CSN and this forum. I still go about daily activities, but with little purpose. I no longer have the incentive to take care of the yard, truck, house. etc. so I just do enough to make all presentable. This deep dark hole that I am in has very slick sides. I have certainly accepted the fact that Ron is gone. I finally received the email from the cemetery depicting the layout I had requested. I did not like it. Design is not my forte. I made some different suggestions and am awaiting the new design. There is no rush as he is not going anywhere. My daughter's death is another matter. I do know that she is gone, but still somehow cannot grasp this. I think of her last days and the hell she went through and it is just too much. There will never be any peace for me on that. Although each Hospice is different, hers was not fit for a dying dog, much less a human. I have spoken to my SIL and grandchildren only a couple of times since I have returned home. I suppose they are getting on with their lives. I will try to be more present in the future. They say "life is for the living" and maybe someday I will reconcile myself to that fact. Love, Karen

Donnacas, As long as we are on this earth, it will never stop. Life will always be full of devastating events. They are much harder to deal with now, because we are alone. Somehow we deal with them and accept these things only because we cannot change them. I lost my husband in May 2013 and a few months later began selling many of his things for the simple reason of survival. Yes it hurt, but I had no other choice. With my heart already broken, I was forced to sell our vacation home this past spring. This was where we were to live out our "golden years". The latest blow has been the death of my daughter on July 27. Although I loved my husband very much, this one has been the hardest to accept. Will there be more? You can bet your money on it, but somehow we will make it through because we are survivors. Our husbands would not have it any other way. Love, Karen