KarenK

Fae, I too, will sit with you & memories in solitude. As you feel hollow, I feel numb, also doing necessary things by rote. Like so many here, I had little to no warning that Ron would soon be leaving. I went to the hospital on a Monday morning, expecting to reassure him that I was diligently searching for a rehab upon his discharge. What I found was an empty room as he had been rushed to ICU. My next vision of him was that of an unconscious man gasping to breathe. That is when my reality was shattered as I knew that things were not going to be "alright", as I had always stressed to him. Over the next few days, there were no tender goodbyes for us, only me observing as more machines were attached to his suffering form, until the doctors said I must let him go. Try as I might to recall our last conversations, the last one that remains burned in my brain is the one of his asking "Are you tired of taking care of me? Do you want a divorce?", to which I replied "No, I'm not tired of taking care of you & no, silly, of course I don't want a divorce." So sad that after more than 40 years, he still didn't know how much I loved him. So terrible that he died not understanding that. So many demons that I must live with for the rest of my life. On another note of sadness, my daughter's health continues to deteriorate. She will be attempting to withstand a chemo treatment this Wednesday. If unable to do so, there is nothing left for her. Karen

Anne, I truly think that Benji was a special little angel sent to you in time of greatest need for a friend, but like all angels, he had to return home. Luv, Karen

Jo, I'm so sorry you have lost your husband, You are not alone here. Each of us grieve differently, but all of us have felt many of the same emotions you are experiencing. You are not losing your mind, although it certainly feels that way at times. I lost my husband of 40+ years almost 9 months ago to cancer. At times it feels like yesterday. One cliche that irritates me is "You have to be strong". How the heck can I be strong when I just want to curl up into a ball & disappear? As Mary says, these are well meant comments from those who care, but don't really have a clue. We truly are a group who "get it". Please join in whenever you feel like it. Tears are welcome with open arms. I also belong to a local widows support group which has been quite comforting. Karen

Fae, May you have a peaceful, beautiful "white" birthday scene, interspersed with dark chocolate. Luv, Karen

Quick! My brain is failing! Bring me a chocolate dipped ice cream cone. Funny, I have been craving one. Oh, & also an avocado. But, not together. Yuk. Luv, Karen

So glad to hear that I'm not alone in being forgetful. Since I rarely leave the house, my biggest problem is going into a room & then forgetting why I went there. Or starting to make coffee when I actually made it 10 minutes before. I scare myself sometimes. LOL One day, I headed to Walmart & halfway there, realized I was headed to the library. Guess I just followed my nose or my truck has a mind of it's own. I'm sure being distracted by other thoughts has a lot to do with it & then again, it's just a "senior moment". I do not drive like an "old person", but do find myself being a bit more cautious as my distance eyesight is not good. Chris, I think somehow I have accepted that I am always going to be alone. I don't like it. I wish somehow I could turn the clock back at least 35 years, but I can't so I accept it. I don't know if I will be able to accept losing my daughter. Knowing she is dying, is a completely different kind of grief. Take care, Karen

Here I am playing "hermit" again for a week. I just have no incentive to leave the house. I planned to go to church on Sunday, but unfortunately got another infection in my jaw & it was very swollen & painful. I did have antibiotics & pain med called in by dentist. I'm going to at least make it to the library tomorrow. Anne, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister who was also your best friend. I am glad you have remained close to her children. I am an only child(sort of). When I was about 30, I was stunned to learn I had a half sister(my father's child). My mother told me about her when my father died. My mother had notified her of his death. After that I spoke to her a few times on the phone & exchanged a few Christmas gifts. For reasons unknown to me, my father completely alienated her after I was born. In the family album, there was a picture of a young woman holding me at 6 months old, I was told she was a neighbor, but evidently she was my sister. She is 13 years older than I am & lives in New York somewhere. She told me some wild stories on the phone about us having several brothers & sisters, but I have to say, most of her conversations were fractured. Skeletons in the closet! I guess all families have them. I'm also keeping you close to my heart as you grieve for Benji. Fae, In my neighborhood, if someone in a hoodie & dark clothes was in my yard, I would be reaching for my gun. We have had 2 attempted home invasions, one by a druggie, & one by an old confused drunk. Ron was here then & held both of them at bay until the police arrived. Unfortunately, I have only my very old "attack" cat. LOL However, there are 2 very large & ferocious dogs next door which bark at everything. My daughter saw her oncologist on Monday. He wanted her to resume chemo this week, but she asked to hold off until next week. Her body & mind are just so tired & she's still having the terrible side effects of the last infusion. I'm afraid all of her lung, liver, & pancreatic tumors have grown & this time the chemo may not be able to stabilize them. We no longer look very far into the future. She will just try one treatment at a time. She still doesn't want me to come there, yet. My heart is torn on this, but I'm sort of "in limbo". Take care everyone. Karen

Oh Anne, I'm just so terribly sorry. I know Benji was such a friend & companion to you. When we lost our Mickey a few years ago, I was constantly looking behind me for him as he always followed me from room to room. I wasn't even able to go to the bathroom without a big black dog at my feet. Benji was here for you to love & nourish, just as you were for him. As with anything in life, I guess, we don't get to choose how long we are allowed to love each other. I can certainly be there in a couple of hours if you want a friend by your side. Love, Karen

Harry, Just so sorry about your friend. I know the feeling of helplessness so well. I do hope you are able to visit with her. Luv, Karen

Here is an update on my daughter. I spoke to her this afternoon. The stent procedure was done early this morning. Although she is feeling far from great, because it done by going down the throat ?(news to me), she had the option of going home this evening, which she chose as she will be more comfortable there. She is, of course, still having the terrible side effects of last week's chemo. Her onc left word that she is to resume chemo ASAP. As things progress, she may be nearing the end of her rope at withstanding chemo. Only she can make that decision. I know her heart is struggling with her head. She asked me to thank each of you for your continued prayers & good thoughts. I made it to Walmart for my pain med, antibiotics, & new anxiety med, although I may not take the anxiety med concurrently with the pain med. I've had bad luck with that before. If I don't feel well, at least I won't know it. Have gotten behind in being supportive, but I know you understand. Karen

Hello All, Not much to report yet except that my daughter is in the hospital. Her liver enzymes are through the roof & bile duct is blocked, not sure by what. I know last CT showed 2 small tumors in liver. As far as I know, the fix will be to place a liver stent. As of 9 PM in Kentucky, she had not seen a doctor, but he should be in tomorrow morning. Her cancer surgeon does not perform this type of surgery. She has abdominal pain which is mostly caused by last week's chemo & is not new to her, but exhausting, nonetheless. I will know more tomorrow. Thank you all for keeping her in your prayers & thoughts. BTW, I stopped at my dentist's on the way to pick up my son & had him send scrips for antibiotics & pain meds for my jaw pain. Unfortunately, it is not clearing up without them. Anne, waiting for your report from the pulmonary doc? Karen

Just wanting to scream, but I'm afraid I would never stop & they would cart me away. Each time something happens to her, the wait to find out what is going on seems endless. I did manage a few hours sleep, but must clean up now & go change my son's bandage & take him to the store. He is not able to drive yet. This is much harder than waiting for the results of one's own medical tests. Mary, in response to your question regarding my further medical tests, I am waiting till later(if at all) to have them done. I am unconcerned about my physical health at this point. Just trying to hold up the mental end. Karen

Anne, I will only give a small chuckle & it is for the absurdity of all the things we go through as "lab rats" for those who are "practicing" medicine. It seems whenever we go to the doctor for something, another problem is suddenly discovered & another pill is added. Of course, I have a rather poor opinion of most doctors. I have been sitting alone for 10 hours now, not wanting to share any more bad news. I was happy to share my granddaughter's dream which, in itself, gave me a tiny glimmer of hope for my daughter. But having been on this Cancer roller coaster for so many years, I should have remembered that for every positive happening, there will be a negative one. When she had chemo last week, she said that her eyes turned yellow & then her face after returning home. It seemed to disappear in 24 hours. She didn't alert the doctor. Today she called & now her skin is yellow all over, including under her tongue & her eyes. Her urine is very dark. I'm afraid this is a sign that her liver is failing. She did call her oncologist & is scheduled for a CT & blood work tomorrow. I don't understand why she wasn't sent to ER immediately. She is very weak & of course, sick from the chemo dose, which was expected. So, here I sit on pins & needles again. Other colon cancer patients that I am familiar with who went into liver failure did not survive long. I apologize again for always being the bearer of bad tidings, but there really are not many good tidings in my life. I just needed to talk to you, my friends. Karen

Dreams are mysterious, especially when they come to one who has no earthly reason to experience them. Ron was in my dream a few nights ago(the first time since he left). All I can remember is that he was being protective. I talked to my daughter on Saturday & she related an odd thing to me. It seems that my granddaughter(age 24) had dreamed of Grandpa Ron. She has not seen him for 5 years as we live so far apart & rarely spoke to him on the phone. She told my daughter "Mama, I dreamed about Grandpa Ron last night. He told me not to worry, that you are going to be okay". The odd thing about this is that Ron would always say to Debbie on the phone "Don't worry baby, you're going to be okay." My granddaughter would not have been aware of this phrase as my daughter had never mentioned it to her. So, if he fails to communicate with me, maybe he is doing so with other family members. Who knows? Can't remember if I reported my urology test. It came back negative for cancer cells. Then the nurse cheerfully tells me that it isn't a surefire way to test for bladder cancer. What's the point then? They're still wanting a CT & Cytoscopy which I may get when I win the lottery. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Been a hermit for the last 2 weeks except for doc visit & son's hand surgery(which went well). Just don't like leaving the house. Can't waste gas anyway. Have to conserve it for those important trips to library & grocery store. Anne, remember I am just across town if you need ANYTHING! Stay well & hugs to everyone! Karen

Saw my PCP today & he wants me to stay on anxiety meds, so he prescribed what he called a milder one. It is a generic for Celexa. Will get it filled next week when my SS comes. Still no urologist test results. Will try to remember to call tomorrow. Here's a bit of senseless humor which will make all you good cooks laugh. I decided to have baked salmon & sweet potato. Put salmon in my toaster oven. Decided to microwave the sweet potato. Peeled it, sliced it, doused it with butter, brown sugar, & maple syrup. Don't know where my brain was. Set the micro for 15 min. Went to check on the salmon & the micro is filled with smoke & burned smell. Boy, did I cremate that sweet potato! My whole house smells like burnt brown sugar. LOL Okay, you can wipe the smiles off your faces now. Karen P.S. Salmon was good, anyway.

Oh KayC, I'm so sorry you are faced with this. I hear the pain in your words. I know how difficult it is when one of your children moves far away. It must be doubly hard when the one who lives nearby does not include you in her life. Debbie was 15 when she decided to move to KY with her dad. Partly because she had fallen in "love" with a boy on vacation & partly because her dad had a new house, boat, etc. But I was not alone as you will be. I had Ron & a new baby. It still hurt, though. I love her children very much, but do not feel close to them. I was there when each was born, but could only visit at 5 year intervals. I will not even make that this time. Because I'm older & alone now, if Robert were to move somewhere, I would move with him. It is simply an understanding we have. But he does not have a wife to care for & his son is old enough to make his own way. That's of course, if either of them could ever find a job. LOL The thought of him living far away would be frightening to me. Would you ever consider moving along with your son & wife? I've always said I would never become a burden to my children. Never say never. Life & death have a funny way of changing your perspectives. Sending you love & a big box of tissues. Karen

Harry, I'm so sorry to hear the news of your friend. I think you have answered your own question as to why it disturbs you so much. Because of the simple fact that she is your friend, and that she is being taken from you by the beast that has taken so much from so many of us. Being on the CSN forum daily, I watch more & more of my cyber friends slipping away. It is all so cruel & senseless. Cancer does not discriminate. Our latest warrior to lose his battle passed away on his 32nd birthday. You, Jane, & Katherine may not have been or now exist as stars on the "world stage", but those like you are stars on the "stage of life", that stage where it really matters. You give of yourself for the betterment of mankind. No one could do more. Please take care of that cold & I hope the doctor will get the new antibiotic soon. Karen

Update on my daughter - Worse news than we expected! Debbie made it to Louisville today in freezing temps for her oncologist appt. As some of you may remember, she was hospitalized several weeks ago & taken off chemo. We expected her lung tumors to grow a bit, but unfortunately, they grew by at least a cm. She also has a second liver tumor, now. I suppose the worst news is that it has shown up on the head of her pancreas. I don't think this is real common for colon cancer to do. It usually goes from colon to liver, lungs, bones & brain. All she can do now is restart chemo at another reduction in dosage & hope she can tolerate it without being hospitalized. Her mental strength amazes me. She is resigned to the fact that "It is what it is" & will fight as long as she can. I have decided to quit the anxiety med. It is not really helping, but instead creating insane nightmares for me. There is really no way to fend off anxiety. It is there for a reason. Haven't heard back from the urologist yet. Will wait a few more days. Maybe "No news is good news". NOT Almost passed out again yesterday evening, but got my son here to stay with me for a while until it went away. Well, that's my 2014 so far with a few other problems I won't even mention. Hope the new year is going much better for all of you. Stay warm, my friends in the East & Midwest. Karen

Well, Rats! Not the news I wanted to hear. I went to the urologist & he said I don't have an infection. He said it could be any number of things from bladder cancer, to polyps, to stones, to they have no idea. So he's sending a urine sample to the lab for a study. He also wanted me to get a CT & Cystoscopy(sp?). I told him I'd wait on those for the lab work results. The last thing I need is a serious illness & more medical bills. I really don't like doctors. It seems the more things they do to you, the worse you are. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I kind of drove around in a daze for a little bit after that, but did remember to stop & order flowers for my friend's funeral. Will be glad when tomorrow is here. 2014 HAS to be better. Karen

Hello All, Just checking in. Christmas was fairly quiet. My "boys" came over, opened their gifts, & we had dinner. Robert & I took some flowers to the cemetery. No plans here for New Years. Tomorrow I see the urologist. Still don't know why I'm going. On Thursday, I'm taking Robert to a hand surgeon. He has a cyst of some kind in his right palm that needs to be addressed. It is quite painful. On Friday, Sears is delivering a new washer. It is free because of my household maintenance agreement. They couldn't get parts to fix the old one. I wonder why. It is only 30 years old. LOL I wanted to share with you something that a very special friend of mine from CSN wrote. I'm sure it "hits home" for many of us. BEACH GLASS The Pacific Ocean. There is no other place quite like it. When I was in treatment, I spent as many days as I could at the coast, absorbing the tangy salt smell, the cries of the gulls, the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore. It filled me with a sense of peaceful energy, enough to give me the strength to return to the city and another brutal round of chemo. My son and I would spend many hours wandering along the edge of the water, heads down, searching. We were on the lookout for little treasures, especially beach glass. I’m not sure why, but Owen gets so excited (me too!) at the sight of a smooth, colorful bit of glass. Edges rounded by years of tumbling in the sand and waves, they are wonderful to touch. And the colors! Green, blue, white, brown,,,did you know red is the rarest? Of every five thousand pieces, only one will be red. The day we found not one, but two, pieces of red glass was such a thrill! But one day, Owen picked up a piece that was still sharp. It poked his finger and he dropped it, with a yelp. He was surprised by this and asked me why the glass had hurt him. I explained to him that it was too new a piece, too fresh…the passage of time hadn’t yet worked its magic, smoothing the edges and making it easier to hold. It occurred to me as I talked with my son that grief is much the same way. In the first weeks, months, perhaps even years, of mourning the loss of someone we love, the grief is very much like that piece of glass that cut my son. Its edges are sharp, it hurts to hold. But as time passes, the contours of our grief begin to change, to be softened and smoothed. It becomes possible to hold our grief close, to handle it and feel its shape, without suffering the sharpness of a cut. Our grief is still there, still very real, but transformed by time into something a little softer, more gentle to the touch. It is neither an easy process nor a quick one, but in the end, every jagged shard earns its own rare beauty. Peace, Karen

Chris, I find, that as time goes by, making decisions alone becomes easier. I understand where you are coming from. For 40 years, Ron & I made decisions together, just as you & Paula did. Each decision was made with the approval of the other. Now there is no one to give that approval, so we must stand alone & hope that decision is the right one. Mundane things, I know, but shortly after Ron died, I needed to decide on a replacement microwave. I couldn't make the decision alone, so my son helped me. He also helped to get the lawnmower repaired. Recently I had to call a plumber. I chose one on my own. This week, I had to select a replacement washer. Probably silly to you, but I never would have done these things alone if Ron were here. I must stand on my own two feet to get through this life & in my heart, I know that is one decision that Ron would approve of. My best to you, Karen

Merry Christmas to each of you. May you feel safe, warm, & above all, loved. Karen

Weird things always seem to happen to me. LOL For some reason, my sign in tab has quit working in IE?? So, I've switched to another browser & can finally communicate. Just wanted to wish Happy Holidays to each of you. I will be alone on Christmas Eve, so have decided to attend a service at a small church which I visited on Sunday. Robert, David, & of course Tatum will be over tomorrow to open a couple of gifts. Since cooking is not my forte, I decided to have baked pork chops & potatoes. Easy to fix in the crock pot. A bit of sad news for my holiday as cancer has claimed the life of a dear friend on Friday. She was my Mother's best friend for 40 years & at age 90 elected not to do chemo. Such a sweet, special lady. Please say a prayer for my friend, Hazel, if you will. "May your world know beauty, your spirit know peace, and your heart know happiness at the loving hands of this most sacred season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." Karen

Jan, Ron & I enjoyed some of the same genres of music, but not all. He loved Jazz, I did not. I love some New Age. He did not. We both loved Country/Western. Let's face it though, most Country western songs are filled with heartache & loneliness. Despite that, I still listen to a lot of them while driving, but I always have Kleenex nearby. Our song was "You Needed Me" by Anne Murray. The words are a perfect description of our meeting & represent our long lasting love. I can listen to it without crying, most of the time. I do not listen to music in the house, though, only while driving. If I was alone in the house, I probably couldn't do it. Karen

Anne, Hope you have a safe & pleasant trip to Sedona & that you will make new memories with your family to add to those of you & Jim. My cabin is 12 miles from there, up over Schnebly Hill, not a route to use in winter, very rough forest road. I've done a bit of hiking in Turkey Butte Wilderness which looks down on Sedona, & have been to Sedona numerous times in the last 50 years. Have not been to the chapel. Hope you enjoy your shopping adventure also. Karen