sharirouse

I know this is such a late response but Im so happy I found this. I had to put my baby down today. I really struggled with it the night before. Cried all night, didnt want to sleep because that meant I had to go put her down. I was responding to a message from the doctor, just affirming that she should be out down and she had a heart attack! She had started with a seizure and then she arrested. I threw my clothes on and went over. I asked them to keep her alive until I got there. They ended up not charging us for her euthanasia because she was already so close. She wasnt herself. The vet said she wasnt really there. I sat and talked to her but finally did it. They warn you of movements but omg. She jerked and it just killed me inside. She was already halfway there but my goodness. She was around 13. She was doing great but all of a sudden, she wasnt. She had kidney failure. The day I decided we were going to pursue putting her down, I was holding her head for her and we looked at each other. I cant say she said words but she was talking to me. She was done. Such sweet eyes that told me that I was doing the right thing. I remember reading something about a dog dying last year, and the author explained that dogs dont die, they just go to sleep in our hearts. When they wake up, they start wagging their tail and that just makes us hurt but they are so happy! She's wagging her little tail like she always did. Used to feel like a whip cause it was skinny and moved fast lol

Ive been missing from this forum for awhile but Im struggling. I have a 13 yr old dog and Ive had her since my parents got divorced. I mean we got her about a year later but whatever. She was old and I noticed she was peeing weird. She acted like she had a UTI. We tried to treat her at home but she's not how she was. We took her into the vet and she's in kidney failure. I know there is no coming back from that. She didnt get better with IV fluids so I decided to put her down tomorrow but omg. I feel like I am losing a child. She reminds me of when my dad was really sick. They just arent themselves. She pooped all over herself at the vet and laid in it. She didnt even lift her head up when I went to see her today. I know it happens since pets dont live as long but that doesnt help. I just feel so awful. I wish you could tell them how you feel like you do with ill family. I have 2 other dogs but the thought of going out in the backyard and seeing her little empty spot makes me want to avoid them and that only makes me feel worse. You'd think after losing my dad I would know how to handle these feelings but I cant. She used to sleep under my window every night during the summer and whimper at my window until I woke up and talked to her. I saw her the other day and held her head in my hand and we made eye contact and I swear she was talking to me. She isnt the same dog. Shes in there but I know she's done. She wants to go. Heres a pic of the baby. http://imgur.com/OHZ7lp9

First off, Im not too proud of myself and I almost feel like Im making excuses but I hope Im not. I really dont know what the heck Im doing. I know I wrote a post about missing some dude that was not good for me. He's been toxic way before my dad got sick so its time he went. I think I was just grasping at straws. Theres a guy in my program that is actually my lab partner. I developed a little crush on him. Im not wanting to date or do anything like that and Ive told him. He doesnt want to either so it works out. I told him Im lonely and he gets it. He's foreign and from the middle east so I think there really is a communication problem. I dont think his intentions are bad but sometimes he does things that reminds me of that guy. It makes me feel worthless and I already know I have an issue with self confidence and this guy is a womanizer. Its kind of weird because he's muslim and I thought they were religious but hey not my life, not my business right? Anyway, I honestly dont believe he set out to do anything and I over reacted but anyway, he upset me and I was already sad that day. I just felt dark if that makes sense. I felt like I was in a shadow. Well I cried pretty hard and called my mom. I know Im too emotionally weak to deal with this and frankly Im too old for it. My soul hurt. It was just a dark moment. I think he was just the catalyst to this outburst but damn. I ended up breaking open one of my razors I shaved with and cut myself. They arent deep and they arent dangerous. I later told my mom because I know this isnt good. I was down that path before and I dont want to be there again. She really thinks Im depressed but Im not sure. I dont know what the heck is going on. Im lonely and I know that. I dont want to date though and Im okay with being alone forever. its easy. Im upset that Im not a rock. I dont want to do this anymore. I have a crush on the guy but hes everything I hate in males. He treats me well and is sweet but I dont want to date and Im graduating college soon so really its pointless and damn it, I dont want to date. I have NO interest. I dont think this is about him though. My mom thinks I may be trying to replace my dad with him and it kills me inside because I would never do that and but I know Im looking for male attention and Ive told this guy that. he also has blue eyes like my dad so its possible that didnt help. Im just lost and dont know what to do. Im still praying but Im still like wtf. Ive talked to my dad and mom. Ive also emailed my grief counselor but since its the weekend AND a holiday weekend, I figure itll be a late reply. It could be a combination of things. My birthday is this weekend, the second one without my dad. School has been so hard lately and Im stressed. I dont feel good about myself. I cant even keep the attention of dog and Im lonely and just want attention. Im not doing anything bad, as in Im not being promiscuous or drinking or doing that kind of stuff but Im not doing anything good.

Now that its been a month since Ive replied, it wasnt too bad. Got him flowers, left them at his house and hung out with my aunt (his sister). I teared up at but when getting him flowers but not too bad. I lost it a different day though. Its just such a surreal feeling.

Marty, thanks for that, I read those and some of the articles that were associated with them. The other night I was thinking about that day and I could remember everything vividly. Like how blue the sky was, what the room smelled like (this one is fading.) The sounds, everything and they hurt my soul. So far I think Ill be okay. We are going to bring him flowers and then Im going to do whatever I feel that day. Basically do "nothing" unless I feel the need. My mom asked me how I was doing and I told her that its been a long year. So long. The seasons went by fast due to school, if that makes any sense, but it was such a long year, it really felt like 20. And Kay, which part are you agreeing with?

September 7th is the one year mark and Im scared for monday. Im suppressing it and I know I shouldnt but its my natural reaction apparently. Im afraid to deal with the pain. I keep telling myself Im to busy to cry at night. I just put it off for another night. Im just scared. I know its coming out of me though because Ive had this new urge to sleep under my bed in the corner. In my student housing apartment, my bed is about 2 feet off the floor and pushed in a corner and Its appealing to me. And Ive started my regular trips to taco bell again. I was going to write a post about the day he died, just to let myself feel all the things I need to feel. To open up that sore spot and really let it all out but Im scared. I want to be alone and cry without the fear of being heard. On a positive note, Im starting to figure out how my dad talks to me. He's like a whisper in my head. (Cue the burning in the back of my throat)

Thanks Kay! That makes sense. I'm feeling better about it. I asked him about it and now Im asking him to help me choose a headstone and sturdier urn.

Oh good! I felt guilty. Is it almost like when you know you are ready to give them permission to die?

So I recently bought a plot in a beautiful green cemetery for my dad and eventually we will bury him and get him a headstone when we get the funds. Honestly Im okay with waiting awhile because Im having issues with the idea of putting him in the ground. Hes cremated so we don't even have to bury him but its what he wanted. I just keep thinking about how he's going to be in the cold, hard dirt and its going to be wet and soggy when it rains and currently, he's in my bedroom in my hometown and I know he's safe and "comfortable." How the heck do I accept this fact?

Thanks guys and thats cute Kay! I remember you mentioning it. I plan on doing this with my mom when she passes away. Hopefully not for another 50 years (shes 50)

0623, I am sorry for your loss and sadly, it seems that losing people can bring out the worst in others. Its enough to make you want to jump off a cliff. Hopefully you will be able to make some friends here! And oddly enough, the loss of my dad strengthened a friendship I had when she found out her Nana had cancer. She thinks Im incredibly strong and I think shes weird for that haha but its nice to have someone to just weep too! I definitely do not think you are a fool at all for that! I didnt want to give up my dads house after he died and I didnt live there. I cant imagine the idea of moving out of a house that I shared with a spouse. You had been married to him longer than I have been alive and I dont think anyone would look at you as being foolish for not moving. And oh my gosh, I ended up getting fooled by my brother so dont feel bad about your stepson. The loss really opened my eyes and Im sad I didnt open them up before but Ill be damned if he can think he can fool me again. I got a whole story on that if you ever want to complain! The abandonment is definitely a common occurrence which is ridiculous. But you are definitely not alone, so just remember that! As for the inheritance, I think since you were married to him you are legally entitled to it. If they are going to be mean, dont be afraid to stand up for yourself. Its not like theyre there for you now.

Its about that time that I post my update! So far Im doing okay, I am less than one month away from the year mark of my fathers passing. I am also in the process of buying him a plot in the greenest cemetery in my home town. I think Ill bury him once I get a job that way I can get him a nice head stone and let people know he is being buried so that if they want to be there, they have a good amount of notice beforehand. Im in my last year of college and the last semester is just clinical rotations so we are actually in a lab and applying what we learned. Im hoping it wont be too hard and that Ill enjoy it. Im also hoping there will be less homework so I can tend to my grief better lol I really think that is why Ive had some rough patches. I know they are expected but I think I could have made them a little less rocky if I had done more grief work. I do think this forum is the best place for me because I love to blog and this way I have a place to right and people can listen. I can even help others so that’s great! On a side note, I got a memorial tattoo for my dad. Its in his handwriting

Thanks Kay! I honestly shouldn’t be that surprised because I lost a lot of friends adter my dad died. No one knows how to talk to me anymore, even though I don’t just randomly spew off my grief. I have a few people who are there for me but I think its better this way. Some of those friends were bad enough before I was full of grief so I should look at it as a blessing! I definitely a ride or die friend, Im there all the time, doesn’t matter when and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so loyal lol. Its funny you say that because he is the reason my self esteem is so low! I am working on it though and its take a lot of prayers for me to realize that I deserve better! Love you too! Thanks! J

Carrie, Im not sure what I didn’t just come back here! I was telling someone I think its because I wanted immediate responses and I am up late (2 am) and I know some of my friends are too sometimes! But you all can relate to me. He finally told me he couldn’t help because his way didn’t work but luckily I had already decided he was a waste of time lol And thank you Carrie J I feel like I could be doing better but I think if I kept up with my grief, I would be doing better in school because we all know that grief doesn’t just go away. That guy always told me to just go day by day. No advice on how to deal with it. I think my real issue is that I am upset I cant soothe myself because I pride myself on that haha I think that’s why I love this forum so much is because I was actually able to realize that we are all human and I agree with what you said! It really is just styles and different words but we all go through the same type of things. I actually love talking to my aunt and such learning about how they did things when they were younger and its funny because we are all definitely re;ated. I can see it in so many things. That is so wonderful of you! I think everyone needs someone who can care for them that is not in their family, that way they can offer some unbiased advice. They can offer an outside opinion and that way we can run to them when our family is too hard to handle sometimes. That is so sad that her and her family went through such a hard time but its amazing that they found someone to take care of them emotionally and physically J That’s cute that you took him by the ear! I think I would be terrified if someone granned my by the ear! Its awful that you could tell the type of dad his father was and it gave you an insight to what his family life was life. I definitely feel God is okay with you saying those things to protech him J And no problem Carrie, I enjoyed them! Im glad you all think I am sweet and wise! I am very flattered! Hugs!

Thank you Anne And school is going good, I actually graduate this coming May! I did take classes this summer and am on a 3 wk break now, although I have one week left. The classes are fun but challenging. I spend most of my time in class and asleep lol and thank you, I appreciate that When I get really exhausted I remember that I promised him and I am so close! You are so right. I know the answer so why mess with it? I dont know why I didnt just come here to post. Maybe its because his was an instant reply even though he sometimes is more trouble than he is help. It is comforting to know that people have wanted to die as well. I am definitely not suicidal but man, it just seems easier! When I say its petty, I meant that he upset me but I think it affected me just because Im already vulnerable. I just wish he would say something lol but oh well, he's a man So far I am planning on getting him flowers and putting them on his door step. Im not sure what else but a letter and a meal that he likes sounds nice. To be honest Im nervous for that date because its also my brothers birthday and I dont want to talk to him about my dads passing! We got into a fight and I feel like he behaved unforgivably. But thats another story lol Thanks again Hugs!

Hi all, Sorry Ive been gone so long, its been due to school and I plan to post an update too. Anyway here is my current issue: Im missing some dude I was in love with because I missed my dad. I know this is the case because this happened when my dad died. I was in love with this stupid boy since I was 16 (im 21) and long story short Im the side girl and pretty much entertain him when he's single which he is not now so therefore he doesnt talk to me. Anyway when we were 16 his cousin got murdered and so he knows what its like to grieve a traumatic death. Not that my dads was unexpected or traumatic (other than to me) I felt he could help me since he used to. I mean when we're good we're great, when we're bad its awful. I thought I was going to marry him and now I have bad self esteem issues. I contacted him in a lonely moment and I knew he could make me feel better. Anyway, we are approaching my dads 1 yr mark and so far he's helped me, making good points like "dont feel bad for things you didnt do in the past because you have the rest of your life to live for him." Well the other day, I was crying and at like 2 am I messaged him. I told him that sometimes I feel like all the bad energy I acquired in HS from him and other people could be a reason my dad died. He made it seem like I was a home wrecker and he was my first bf even though he doesnt "count" it. I didnt say it to attack him but I was upset. I feel like its unfair that my dad died but anyway I had asked him if he ever wanted to die after his cousin died because you miss them so much (his cousin was his best friend). I also told him i didnt think he read my messages but its okay because its nice to have someone to just listen if that makes sense. Anyway I told him that and he just responded with telling me that he reads them but his girlfriends grandma is in the hospital and he drove her from Oklahoma to Oregon! To be honest I felt like my issues werent important enough. I was also jealous because he never would do that for me. he was supposed to send my dad something before he died but never did because he started dating that girl. Now I realize how petty my issues are with him because they dont matter in the grand scheme of things but I still felt like my grief doesnt matter in a sense and it was like insult to injury. Should I even keep trying to talk to him about my issues or let it go? I dont need to feel like crap any more than I already do.

Kay, thank you very much! Its nice to hear that Like I told Gigi, I learn from mistakes and have to talk things out so maybe thats how I can advise people! Im actually helping a friend whos nana got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago and just recently went through an attempted whipple but the doctors found the cancer has spread to her colon. Its hard to know what to say because it doesnt sound good. I let her get all the hurt feelings out though! I try to get into the hard topics because they are rewarding when you work through them. You feel so much better. I think school is going better because I can focus better now. I am so close so giving up is not allowed! I just need to imagine the look on my dads face when I graduate I wish i had more time to post but the school work is like being assaulted Lol its cute that you wont settle for anything less! i hope to find that someday! Im also afraid of dating sites because weird men are attracted to me but maybe ill give it a chance later in life if Im not where I want to be

Gigi, its great that you've never had to experience drinking and driving! I wish I hadnt! Its scary and I dont want to be put in the situation. Since Im 21 and in college, ive had a few moments that made me freak out. I had an outburst though so never again lol And you know, going off of what kay said, Ive heard stories of someone being arrested after using mouth wash and getting pulled over because of the alcohol content. Although some people drink that to get drunk. Gross! And how painful! Its so great to hear that you told him upfront and he respected it! Im so glad you have found a friend! No need to turn it into something else if you dont want to and if you do, friends first is the best way right?! But that is so great! You know, I have a lot of good friends who have different interests and I think since we are so different, we get along. Sounds weird but it works! Im happy that he is who he said he is and I definitely think faith based sites are a safer route! Its great that you are happy as well we all deserve to be happy! And thank you for the kind words! I dont think Im wise but I do learn from peoples mistakes AND I have to talk things out. I dont make unwise decisions because i get scared ;D

KLS4FTS, Thank you, I will try not to! Its just those thoughts that creep in. I definitely agree. I am so incredibly grateful that i was able to be there and help him through it in a sense, even though i just stood there and talked to him. I need to remember that it was just his body and that he is still with me. Its definitely not silly and I actually have 3 of his pillows, one of which has a shirt on it I still smell it and sometimes get a whiff. Its nice to know that it still helps, even years down the road.

Thank you! Im back at school lol its not that bad but I want to sleep forever. And you are welcome! Oh gosh, I completely understand. As a person rule I never drive even after one drink. I dont have a tolerance anymore so Im easily buzzed. Maybe you could ask her if she is okay to drive or go to a place that doesnt serve alcohol. That is a hard thing to deal with but if she is friendly, she shouldnt be offended. Drinking and driving scares the heck out of me! OH my gosh! Your poor cousin! I think i would hate dating a lawyer because of arguments. I have a friend who is going to school to be a lawyer and she annoys me now! She likes to argue but ive always been told Id argue with God! I cant give you too much advice because Im only 21 but if you think itll make you happy, you should try I definitely understand the fear of scammers too, dumb people! I havent been crying much but I talk to my dad before I go to sleep and I tend to fall asleep before I get to talk to him and I feel guilty for it. I dont want him to think Im forgetting him. You are so right, the loneliness can only be filled by him. I miss visiting him during the summer so this summer is...interesting.

Ct, I am glad it makes sense. It is really hard NOT to say Im sorry or forgive me. Maybe Ill save those phrases for in my dreams when I see my dad

Gigi, that is very comforting! I had hoped it was just a teenager thing too. I used to have issues with my mom too but I love her to death and got over them so why not get over the issues with my dad? I finally told my mom that her remarks about my dad make me weird. I dont know how to feel about them. She told me that she is just telling me how she feels and I understand that but I wanted her to know how I felt about the remarks. Now she does! Happy very belated birthday! Im on my 3 week summer break so I went missing! But that is so great that your family took you out and you were able to have such a great celebration! Im so happy that they did that for you! My dad died before my 21st birthday and I know how you feel. It was pretty dull feeling actually. Like a grey sheet was put over everything. Luckily my roommates dont let me drink alone but there are some partiers in my program and i was the DD one night. Never again. It reminded me how much I disliked baby sitting adults!! And good Lord there was a VERY touchy weird man that would not go away! But since I was the only sober one, I kind of had to defend myself from his petting. UGH! I wouldnt let him near my water or anything that would enter my body! BLEH! In retrospect its quite hilarious but ew! I have to laugh about the joint, I am surprised! I understand though. I tried it my first year of college but I have always been against it since my sister is a druggie and is a fiend for it. Shes in recovery now though. After like 14 years! Anyway, it never did much for me so perhaps I am biased. My dad was going to get a medical marijuana card and I was SO against it but after seeing him in the end stage of cancer, I would have let him shoot up if it would make him feel better. I have guilt over that too though. I told him I wouldnt visit him if he smoked. I am also to be drug tested in my program so that was my excuse but it still hasnt happened. I could make a little one on my vanity actually! Im non denominational but I havent found my church yet so I do my own thang lol. That is a great idea though! I want to burn a candle for my dad but Im not sure HOW if that makes sense. I want it to be special. But I LOVE the lantern ideas oh my goodness. I think I will do that! The hot air balloon is a great idea too, if i can get myself in one LOL I know he wants to be buried somewhere green or spread at the river which would be easy in an air balloon. I will see what my options are once I can afford it He really just wanted a place for me to be able to go and visit. Ill have to take a picture of it! I really like it though. It makes me feel like he is around.

Sometimes I dont know how I made it this far LOL but thank you!! Right now I am eligible to graduate with honors, the cut off is a GPA of 3.5 and Im at a 3.57 right now as the semester after my dad died wasnt the best (straight B's) so lets see if I can do it! I may have to grieve over the loss of that opportunity but not yet. Holy cow! I wish I had will like that! That is amazing! I was so moved by the fact that my dad waited around for me. I told my mom to make the hospital keep him alive until I was there. She told him to wait and that he did. I finally realized that he was waiting for me when I gave him permission to die the first time and the next time I saw him he was skeletal. His urine was like diet coke and he couldnt eat but he was there for me. Stubborn man

Im luckily only going to have about $20,000 and Im still trucking on. I think my dad would come up out of his urn and beat me if I quit lol Ive already been threatened! And as of next week ish, Ill be graduation in one calendar year so if I just hang on Ill be okay. There may be a lot of crying and whining along the way though. I think thats fantastic! I wonder how I could honor my dad. I agree with what kay says and I think we should honor people more. Thats also why I send my dad balloons. Maybe it could be a little bit of both. I had a couple months of being haunted by my dads face right before he died. His face scrunched up like he was about it cry. and then he passed. I thought he was in pain but the more i think about it, the more I know it was for me. He didnt want to leave me. I know I am the reason he lived longer. he didnt want to leave me so I had to tell him ill be ok. Sometimes I feel bad crying to him cause I dont want him to get upset but he helps me. Im so glad your dad died peacefully. I prayed for months about my dad dying in peace so I was relieved. I have that regret too and thats a good point. I think of all the things I didnt do and my mom tells me that I have to remember the good times as well but it is so hard!