sharirouse

Ella, you also might not be ready for therapy too. Heck, some people dont like sharing their feelings so its completely understandable. I remember during grief therapy, I was assigned the task of writing my dad a letter and saying. OUT LOUD and in front of the therapist, "Goodbye dad." Oh man. I almost told her no and ran home. I like using this forum as therapy because I feel safer and I can leave and never return to this forum if I get scared. Ive also found that writing things out and tearing them up helps sometimes you just need to stay afloat and weep for a couple months before you are able to do other grief work. I know I spent a lot of time just in pain and crying. I loudly and ugly cried and felt relieved after. Whatever works, as long as its healthy! As I was poking along Marty's pinterest, I found this gem and I cannot tell you how true this was for me. this picture is how my first year of grief went.. It will be the two year mark on Wednesday and deep inside, this still applies:

LOL I take Effexor and have since around the time my dad got diagnosed with cancer! I told my doctor that he was terminal and she doubled the dose immediately! It definitely helps but I completely agree with you. Im trying to develop more healthy habits and outlets because I want to eventually wean myself off of it. Sometimes you need something to pull you out of a dark pit. I had a terrible bout of sadness in January and considered getting an antidepressant because I was scaring myself. Like you said, its no ones business and you are at least trying to heal!

KayC, I should try that but since Im afraid of her cutting me off because she is that personality type! She didnt even want to tell her sister she had a brain tumor! Luckily, she has a man come over to help her once a week and he takes her grocery shopping. I almost feel like its a petty issue but for some reason it bugs me! Its a far walk with jugs of water and she just goes and sits in the recliner. She is a little too pushy sometimes. Seachelle, thank you! I think I started doing it because it was also a connection to my dad. She looks a lot like him in her old age and they have the same mannerisms. But now, I am getting exhausted. We havent resolved it yet but I think Im going to call up my other aunt and ask for advice. Im hoping this aunt will move to AZ in the next few years so my cousin can help her.

Seacelle, thanks for the reply! And no worries about a late reply, the same has happened to me! I hope you dont have to experience this loss for a very a long time but feel free to message me if you are ever feeling low as well I went into denial when we found out my dad had cancer. He lost a bunch of weight and at the end, I just lost it. I actually used to lie to people about how he was doing up until he died. They are supposed to be these unbreakable and invincible beings and when you see them get hurt or ill, it shatters everything we have ever known!

Hi Ella, I lost my dad a month before my 21st birthday but he was diagnosed when I was 17 so I can relate somewhat in age. First off, if you can and feel like you can handle it, I think you should try going to a grief therapist. I went to one for a little bit and I really feel that it helped. One thing that she taught me was about guilt. Guilt occurs when you intend to do hard and I know you didnt. One thing you can do is write a letter to her and tell you how you feel. Apologize if you need to but try not to say "forgive me" but more of "I am sorry" or "i apologize." I somehow, sometimes Im not sure how, made it through college after my dad died. The first few months were a struggle and I still suffer from absent mindedness and have lost friends and such from the loss so I know what you mean. Feel free to message me if you want to talk

Thank you! I feel bad saying that but it exhausts me. It also pisses off my mom when Im gone all day taking care of her lol I feel like Im being taken advantage of. We go to 2 different stores to grocery and then I have to take EVERYTHING in. She doesnt even take in her cigarettes! Now I understand not being able to, but she is! Its making me mad at the family

I am so sorry that it took so long for me to find this! Im 22 and lost my dad at 20. There is also Amy, who is 23. Feel free to talk to us any time Of course, all these other wonderful users are helpful too! And this is something Amy and I have come up with so maybe in the future, it will help us all! As for your loss, I do feel like its not as common. My mom still has both her parents so she cant even completely help me. And I have to warn you, most people wont understand. Especially in our age group because they have healthy parents and no one wants to think of their parents as leaving soon. its really unfair and feels like you are all alone, on top of the stress of not having a healthy parent.

Ill have to talk to her doctors, they would know. She is coming onto the idea of getting someone in there to help her, thank God! I feel bad but I dont think I should have to be responsible for that. Its too much! Ive only known her for about 2 years. Its stressing me out. I just got a new job and I havent had time to call her, how can I even take care of her properly? I tried to tell my cousin how I felt but he wasnt understanding. Although he called my aunt the same day we talked and she thought he was drunk. But what really pisses me off about that is he called my aunt a few days ago and asked her of I had been around. OF COURSE. I WAS VOLUNTEERED. Im 22, and Im not going to dedicate my life to taking care of her. I paid my dues with my dad and I will help my aunt but I cannot do what my cousin should be responsible for. He's 45. Its time.

There is always a chance that things could get better. You were close to both of them so you at least have that past. Hopefully she will come around. And you could just lay it all out there for her, as in how you feel, because what else do you have to lose? If she's gone, shes gone, but she could still be in there somewhere. As for my brother, I didnt have a relationship with him before my dad was sick so Im not losing much. My aunt was in the hospital recently and she told him we had been in town. This is the aunt that doesnt like him. No one said anything. NOTHING. So I think they dont care. I dont mind if the "in law" and kids dont want to get involved but he didnt say anything so I see no point! He says we are family and we are from the same man, but he doesnt realize how stubborn I am like my dad. He thinks he is stubborn but he wasnt raised by my dad.

So a few weeks ago, I finally put my dad to rest. I had a hard time with the idea of burying him but I have finally bit the bullet and done it because I know its what he wanted. Im feeling okay about it but sometimes I feel like he's a little further away than before. I have read somewhere on here or on another site about people dreaming of their lost loved ones. Well, I have dreamt of my dad but not directly talked to him like I used to. I remember someone mentioning that their loved one had said goodbye or something to that extent because they would no longer be visiting them. Well last night, I was looking at my dad through a window. He was across the street sitting in a lawn chair on a porch, like he loved to do. He wasnt looking at me but he was talking to someone and I remember the thought crossing my mind that this is the last time I will be seeing him. I remember feeling sadness but not horrible pain like grief. I wonder if this was him telling me that he's moving on or just a random dream.

I am so sorry for your loss, especially since its still so new. I also struggled with guilt and occasionally still do but my grief therapist told me this "Guilt results from intending to do harm to do something or someone." Sure, we missed some opportunities to do some things but we all have missed opportunities. Right now, you are beating yourself up and are just hurting yourself even more. If you think itll feel better, you can apologize to your dad. Nights are still hard for me too as thats when everything comes crashing back to me like a tidal wave. Cry like a baby and let it out. That last image of him will eventually fade. Try looking at a picture of him happy and healthy. Its hard to get a grip on reality when you see that the man you always though was a superhero does end up getting hurt like the rest of us, but he is so much better now! No more pain and he can never be hurt again! The pain will dull as you work through it but for now, just let it all out.

Thanks! I try, I just got lost along the way to this site lol

I'm so sad I missed this post! I'm the college student that KayC had mentioned. I'm so glad you are trying to finish the semester! Which I bet you didn't finish as its July LOL but I'm so glad! I took a week off of school after my dad died and it was a month before my big interview for my program, which was the most important part of school! And I can tell you I almost didn't go back. My mom made me but I failed some of the tests when I returned. I got a 35 on one test that was a prereq but I didn't care. I don't really remember many months after that. To be honest, school helped me. It gave me something to focus on and helped me not think about how bad I felt. I also knew it was something my dad wanted to finish and that's what really helped me push through. There were days when I just wept. I got so depressed I scared my grief counselor. I even cut a ton. But I'm here and I graduated. Feel free to message me anytime, I might even message you if you don't end up seeing this soon

I don't blame you, I should stop following my brother. Technically he is only my half but sometimes I feel like the only thing we share is a name. I don't know what it is but death can bring out the hatefulness in people I have never seen. My brother is 27 yrs older than me and says he was abandoned by my dad and is jealous my dad raised me. So now as a middle aged man he throws pity parties and I couldn't care less. I don't feel a single thing for him. He didn't even cry when our father died. I hope your sister comes around but if they don't care about your feelings or parent, will you miss much in your life without them? Personally, I know I wont.

I definitely agree. When I try to explain it to people, I say it feels like my soul is just dripping down and out of me. Sounds weird but its the closest I can get with words! Ive tried writing it out. I had a bout of depression earlier this year and I cried for weeks. Somedays you need to do the ugly cry and wallow in the sadness.

I told her the truth and I had before but most people don't understand my profession. I brought her my certificate. I was just afraid she'd cut me off but I told her that and she told me not to worry about that. She told me I may need to step in. She went and got an MRI and they found a mass behind her eye, pushing on the optic nerve. We are both scared because we immediately thought cancer, as it runs in the family. Hopefully it wont be. But heck, if she does have the issue, she may be able to get a nurse who stays there! I feel bad because I don't want to be a caretaker. It was hard taking care of my dad. I don't want to be a caretaker all my life and then feel like I didn't do anything. I will be there for her but dang! As for senior services, I couldn't find any in NM. We have a senior center but my aunt is very shy and doesn't like talking to people so she shot me down.

Marty, thank you! And I am the caregiver of sorts for the aunt that lives in town. Last night that we had the revelation that she thinks Im a nurse and is counting on that. I felt horrible! My diploma should be coming in soon but I have a certificate for completing my program and I think Im going to take it to her and show her that Im not a nurse. I also think she is worse off than she appears to be. Since I am brand new to my field, I have to earn my spot. I will be getting bad shifts and doing scut work until I work my way up and I dont know if Ill be able to help her. I tell her but I dont think she's hearing me. This aunt was also cut off from the family for a long time due to her ex husband who was abusive so I just met her around the time my dad died so Im very careful with her. She could cut me off in a minute. If she does that, I would call services immediately. Anyway, I dont think I could handle taking care of her. I sleep like the dead and I would need to check on her but gosh!

My aunt that is on dialysis isnt on hospice because she just started dialysis. She wasnt on it before so I think she still has a few years. My cousins will be taking care of her and theyre all older so I think she'll be okay. Shes tough! That part of the family lives in AZ. For my aunt in town, I think it would help her too especially since she lives kind of out in the country. She lives off a dirt road and such. I dont want to move out of my moms house yet lol Im not ready! She doesnt want me to either! And she has one kid but he lives in AZ and Im basically the life like. im worried she'll be upset if I call Senior Services but she needs it. I feel guilty and am not sure what to do. Ill definitely do that too. I wish she would move into town because she is literally across town from where I applied to work and takes 30 minutes to get there. Ugh.

Surfergirl, I know Im late to this but I know what you mean about seeing people who can hang with grief or not. And Kay is right, people who arent there dont help and make it worse. It definitely is hard to judge but I still have anger against some people about abandoning. They didnt know how to handle grief but damn! Neither do I! Like Kay said, their time will come to learn but its devastating to lose a family member and THEN friends. Like you arent lonely enough. I feel like I dont have many friends anymore but Im learning to take care of myself. I might need to start going to therapy because no one else can help me. Definitely post here if you think it helps. I would post everything if I could lol even my grief counselor thinks this place is great and offers it to other people she helps

Hi all, remember me? (LOL) I can finally start contributing here again because I finished college in May. I feel like a lot has happened and I am kind of in a pickle and frustrated. Good news though, is that we are burying my dad tomorrow! After almost two years (hes cremated) I am ready to put him in the ground. Secondly, there are only two aunts left on his side of the family. My aunt who lives in my hometown and their older sister who lives in the neighboring state. Well, the aunt that lives in the neighboring state isnt doing too hot. She is 81 and is a cancer survivor. Yay! But all of a sudden in May, I hear she has congestive heart failure AND kidney failure. they should she was on her death bed and I about crapped myself. Excuse my language. But she started dialysis and is getting better. Its still scary though. Now, the aunt that lives in town with me is very lonely, which makes sense. I will start taking care of her because she needs it. Her neighbors used to care for her and now they screwed her over. shes turning 76 but she had broken her hip soon after my dad passed. She is having issues with her eye sight and they think she had an optic nerve stroke or something is pushing on the nerve. both sound scary. lastly, she thinks Im a nurse, which is understandable because my degree is weird and its easier to say Im a nurse lol but she wants me to move in with her. We plan to move to the neighboring state in the next few years which is where my dads family is from and I agreed to live with her. I have no issue doing that but I think she needs an in house nurse. Especially since Im not one. She only lives about 6 miles from my moms house but Im not ready to completely move out of my moms house yet as I am a wimp. The point of my long post is, Im not sure if I can take care of her. Taking care of my dad was hard and Im going to start working full time. Im also 22 and trying to grow up so Im struggling. My mom thinks she needs professional assistance. Im willing to stay with her but idk if I can live with her completely right now. I feel like a mess. I dont want to hurt her feelings but omg. I dont know if I can handle this! My mom thinks I need to be a kid for a bit. Just ugh.

The funny thing about this is I am now back to being comfortable alone and I enjoy my solitude. Im having more emotional issues lately but not sure why that is. I had told my mom that I really like being alone and she told me to remember that and that its good but to not get too comfortable because she wants grandkids LOL. I want children so I thought that was hilarious. I am very scared to settle, in a way. I am so happy for you! I immediately though of the lawyer when you mentioned a partner but that’s great! It sounds so sweet! I think its so great that it worked itself out. That really makes you believe its happening for a reason. I need to remember that if its meant to happen, it will and to not make excuses for people. The sad thing is that he really helped in the beginning and I loved it. I loved and still do love talking to him but he irritates me because we are so different and especially how I view things. Also, since he seemed to down play the death of my dad like it wasn’t THAT big of a deal because he watched his uncle get stabbed to death. That’s horrible but so is my dads death. Maybe I shouldn’t, but how people respond to my dads death is how I judge them as a valuable person in my life. When I was upset about this guy, I was telling my mom about it and she asked me to consider what my dad would think of this guy. He would have chased him away! But with good reason! It just sucks because like you said if your partner leaves, youll be lonely. But maybe I should do what you did and ask God for someone. I would honestly prefer to have no golddiggers after my man! This guy, loves all the girls that wants him and blah blah and I have no confidence so it just makes me feel horrible. I just need to wait for the right one, im not even ready for marriage anyway! But thank you so much for your kind words J Kay, Ill read that book soon too, ive been wanting to read another book lol And I graduate this May J Almost there!

Hi Teddy, That is so very true. I still find myself avoiding the thought of it and not dealing with it but it just makes it more painful when I finally do. Personally I have found that when I talk about it, and say it out loud, it helped me deal. Its a terrible thing that is promised to happen so we should be able to talk about it comfortably without people looking at us like we are lepers.

Ill definitely keep that in mind! Its just hard to take a step back and remember who I am and look at what Im doing. Im currently in rotations for school so Im basically working, but one of the ladies training me said that she is so happy Im not powerless because of someone. She likes the fact that I am young and not tied down to someone and am able to do whatever I want. You just want to cling to those that you have found but you shouldnt have to! They should want to stay!

Im really trying to soothe myself and I never wanted to mess with him in the first place and I did anyway! We werent even dating! UGH! I only know about not settling because Ive been burned lol Im always in these situations, going for the wrong person. My dad would beat me if he knew the type of guy I was talking to. Thank you so much consider yourself hugged back. Youve been here the entire time

Im honestly embarrassed I am this upset. Its all my doing but I feel like it had to be done. I basically pursued more than a friendship because I was lonely and he made me feel better about the loss of my dad but it ended up going sour. I want more than a friendship and he cant, or wont. He thinks its sad my dad passed recently but he thinks Im too emotional and it pisses me off. I dont think he cares that it hurts or I dont think he will ever understand until his dad dies. We had a classmate commit suicide and he just cant see how someone would do that because he has never been that sad. He doesnt know what its like to hurt. He said he still wants to be friends but he isnt the friend I need. Im really feeling alone after this. I dont know why its upsetting me so much but I just feel so lonely. Its like my already deep pit of loneliness just got that much deeper.