sharirouse

Kayc, I think Ill try it! Although I was taught in grief therapy to say "I apologize" rather than Forgive me as its putting something back onto the deceased person. Ill just change that verse

Gigi, I feel the exact same way. I know I took him for granted and I regret not spending more time with him but Im happy we knew he was dying rather than it sudden so I could really focus on him. Im mad that I needed that news to spend with him though. I apologized to him before I went back to school and he told me I had nothing to be sorry for but I think hes wrong. I keep apologizing though. I think my dad is so funny and the more I sit here and think, I realized or at least I feel like, I started getting more attached to him before he died. I also am having an issue because I used to resent him and I feel like part of it is my mom’s fault. I know it wasnt intention and I wont say anything until years later because I dont want to make her feel bad but Im currently fighting with that guilt. I wish my dad had more time too but I keep telling myself that he is living a better life now. I want to put flowers on my dads grave but hes in my bedroom so i dont know what to do with the flowers if I get them lol any ideas? Im also struggling with putting him in the ground as well because I dont want to leave him in the cold hard ground. I have time though because we currently cant afford to bury his ashes. Im happy you went out and about though but I have experienced all those feelings too. I go to college in Albuquerque NM and they have this hot air balloon fiesta every october that begins at 6 am and goes until night. you get to watch hundreds of balloons lift off and touch down. it is amazing. I love it! My mom told me that he used to be obsessed with it and I got that trait. Now sometimes in the morning, I see balloons floating in the distance or sometimes right above my apartment and i tell him to look at it with me. They get so close you can wave at the people in the basket. I do that same thing with beautiful sunsets. I also say hi to him every morning because I took a stuffed grapefruit thing out of his truck and put it in my car. It turns around and looks at me when I drive and I think its him. I actually turned 21 a month after my dad passed and my mom worries that I will use it as a crutch so she monitors me from miles away lol I dont drink alone as my roommates wont let me even if I wanted to. There are a lot of partying students in my program now so I have the opportunity to but there is a girl in the program that knew him and she told me that he wouldnt like me doing that so that helped me. But sometimes I want to drink. I begged my dad to breath for awhile. Id hold my breath until he took one and then he didnt. Im happy it wasnt as dramatic on some movies where there is a long exhale. He just left in a whisper. I think he did wait for you to fall asleep. My mom and I were at the hospital until about 6 am as the ICU closes from 6-8 I think. We got a call at 7 am that he had steadily declined and when we got there, he only had a few hours with the tube in. I really think he waited for me to leave because I lost it when I saw the tube in him. I burst into tears and was hiding behind my mom. Im 5’7 and shes 5’3 so you can imagine how well that worked. I also feel bad because we kept telling my dad to sleep cause he was restless but I know he was afraid to sleep. He finally feel asleep but I was asleep then and we left the hospital when he was sleeping. I feel awful for not waking him so i could talk to him but he was finally in peace. I agree with your friend. Im religious in the sense that I believe in God but Im not into organized religion. Anyhoo, I definitely feel like his spirit was in there. It felt...different behind his bed. It also made my heart flutter if that makes sense. it was inviting though. Nothing bad. I do think he was out of his body before he died. My aunt work him up and he raised his brows and opened his eyes a few times, then squeezed my hands. that was the last of him moving that I saw. Im going to have to constantly remind myself that he knows that he loves me but Im still worried. Its great advice but you must have a thick skull like me You know the movie Jack broke my heart lol I loved it and I love Robin Williams but damn! His euology is so true though so maybe it will help

Ct, Im glad I didnt stay with him to be honest, I think it would haunt me. He died with his mouth open and I tried to shut it as I left and the way he felt...I regret. He did feel a little empty if that makes sense. I had a friend who told me that her mom was around someone who had just passed away and they sounded hollow to her and I think my dad was like that. Im glad that you pointed that out because that makes me feel better. Ill start hugging people and ask him to join. I can still feel him kind of and when I cry really hard, I hug a pillow that I put his shirt on and it helps. I have considered going to a nursing home but Im afraid of getting attached but I still want to go. And thank you for that I know I would greatly appreciate that hug.

Im not sure what depression feels like though so I just feel lazy! I almost feel like I just dont care but I do know I have just been sweeping my painful thoughts under the rug and ignoring them so that has to be it, right? And I have been doing it for my dad and Im asking him for motivation and little pushes but now that Ive let out some of the pain, I feel better. I see the counselor when I go home but since Im always at school, I havent been helped. My mom suggested a counselor at the school but they dont help, or so ive heard and its 15$ per appointment. So I might just stick to crying on here!

Gigi, Sometimes I want to run away and change my name because I am so tired of school but its my only hope lol! Im lucky enough to know what I want to do and Im actually in my last year of college so I am so close! As for the money situation, it scares the pants off of me and both my parents worked in jobs with money, such as banks and money transport so it was drilled into me I did spend a little too much the first year thought. Mom fixed that real quick. But ouch! I guess thats just the way she had to learn. How sad! He treated me like I was Gods gift to earth so I definitely believe what you said. I took a lot of pictures of my dads house too and I walk around it a lot to burn it into my memory. I think it could be a great house if someone “flipped it” but I know Ill have the same reaction you do. I spent all my life in the house, even after my parents separated so I know I have a surplus of memories and I know all of its sounds. And in my mind it doesnt need maintenance just like your garden! That is very true. Im only attached because it was his and he was in it and now hes not so it served its purpose. I thought maybe if I really missed it later on in life, I can have my nice house and buy his just for my heart’s sake but we shall see how that goes. Its probably like your pipe dream. Im hoping that since i am going into the medical field that ill be able to get a job and keep it but that is another worry for another day. Im about $15,000 in debt and I got lucky because my dads income was so low and it helped pay for school! I do think I just need to give myself time because I am human, im not a machine. If the queen cant do it, then why am I making myself rush through it? And thank you! I dont believe its astonishing though! Ill try to toot my own horn, if not just for my dads sake. And I laughed way too hard at the flute comment. Flute is hard and I hoped you made a pretty penny with it!

Ct, After how I felt today, Im going to have to agree that it is grief. I know I have been ignoring my grief so its bursting at the seams and now that Im acknowledging it, I can actually get more done at school, which is weird. At least “I think I can” thats for you Anne! But I hope its not a surge of motivation. Not to mention summer is almost here but I have summer classes too! Anyway, I think the survival mechanism makes perfect sense. I think we’d just disintegrate if we had to do deal with both. I honestly dont think Ill ever be ready. Even when its gone. And you know, I got upset just thinking about the slippers he wore to the hospital so dont feel bad about the basketballs. I think in a few years, Ill go back through his stuff and donate what I can. I swear I kept every shirt I remember him wearing. which was all of them because they were the only shirts he could wear! Whats funny about the house is that I hated it before he died. I shouldnt say hate but he wanted me to keep it and I understand why but it was so cold! Little insulation and the heater sucked! It was made when there was a gas boom so insulation wasnt really needed. I might as well live outside during the winter. He made me promise that I would return to school after the summer we found out he was terminal so I know he wants me to finish and I know he will be proud, I just feel awful. I pray and talk to him and ask him to kick me in the butt. He was/is my cheer leader so Im asking him to speak a little louder. But thank you so much for your kind words and the same goes for you. Dont worry about crying over things and God bless you as well.

Anne, I love that statement, “It's not important how many buckets of tears we shed or not, what's important is that we know in our hearts that the love we have for someone is real and those loved ones know it also.” My dad definitely knew/knows I love him so I can take comfort in that. As dumb as it may sound, I actually expected the hard part of grief to be gone by now. Im not sure why I thought that. I havent even hit the year mark, fathers day or even his birthday for that matter. He hated winter so I comforted myself with that this passed holiday season. Im trying to trudge through, Im just feeling...weird. I now know its because I have been ignoring my grief so that must be why. I am sad to see it go because I feel like its the last thing of him that I have but that is very true. The house would never be the same anyway. Its like your first car, you can get the same model, year and color but its not the same. Im afraid the memories will disappear but Im clinging for dear life! And I can already say that I will not be getting a Master's degree because I am THAT tired of school! ew!

I know I start all my topics the same but I have to! My dad died 7 months ago and Im having a resurgence of guilt about leaving his body. So I was there when he died. Held his hand, gave him permission, all that. To be honest, I think his soul left his body before his heart stopped beating but thats another story for another day. The room was full of his friends(neighbors) and his sister plus me and my mom. They stayed till he was pronounced dead and left afterwards to give me time. My mom left to make phone calls and I couldnt be in the room. I could not stay in that room with his body. At first we didnt believe he was gone because we both swore his chest was still moving and my mom went over and checked his pulse and nothing. I stayed in there for a few minutes but I couldnt look at him. I didnt want the last time I saw him to be him dead if that made sense. Im happy I got to see him through the end of it, and i dont mean literally see it, but I couldnt look at my dads lifeless body. I kinda threw myself on him when he was pronounced dead, kinda like a hug but that was it and now Im kind of upset I didnt crawl up next to him and get the last feeling of him before I left. I have apologized to him for it over and over, my mom says not to feel bad but I cant help it. I feel like I just left him. I kind of wanted to see him again before he was cremated because the lady told me I could identify him if I wanted to but my mom told me not too. The lady that worked at the crematorium usually Identified them by picture so I really didnt need to but I wanted to see my dad. Anyway, I think the guilt stems from the fact that I wish I could crawl up to my dad and cuddle him like small children do to their parents. Ive been wanting to do that since he died. How do I get over this? Its so painful.

My dad's been gone now for 7 months now and Im starting to struggle in school. I have no motivation and I even got a 59 on a test and it was to be a 75 to pass. It killed me inside but I feel like I have nothing else in me to push on. Sometimes I want to say its grief but Im not sure if it really is. I didnt really know how to feel when I hit the 6 month mark. I know there is nothing truly "magic" about those days so to speak but all it did was made me feel farther and farther from my dad, I havent really been crying lately. I mean I tear up for "get the feels" as I call it. I teared up on the forum a bit earlier but I havent cried since about spring break and when I did it was a hyperventilating "hee hee hoo" type of crying where it sounded like I was giving birth and a panting dog at the same time. I soaked my pillow too! Anyway, I know I havent really allowed myself to cry because Ive had no time to be alone and uninterrupted except at night but since I stay up so late I dont let myself cry because I need to sleep and "dont have time." While my program is very intensive and Im burnt out, I dont know if its just that, that is draining my motivation. I used to be so diligent but now I almost dont care. at all! Could it be grief? What the heck. Secondly, we are letting my dads house get foreclosed on and I am sad yet I cannot get myself to go to the house alone. I mean I actually can go but I avoid it. It upsets me but I still dont want to see it go and it hurts me. How do I get through that? My mom understands but then she doesnt. She doesnt get why I cant go in I think. Since she is paying for it and its a second house, I completely understand that we can no longer afford so Im not mad, Im just sad to see it go and im not putting up a fight.

Gigi, I think even people without a mental disorder dont know how to love! But you are so right that they can behave strangely and dont even notice! I have to say I love the banana peel bit, it cracked me up because I know what you mean. There was actually a person practicing their trumpet here in the college apartment complex that I live in and it really made me miss it. I might actually suck it up and go play trumpet at my dads house so we can enjoy it together. Life is very hard I feel like I am suffering from stress dreams and all of those things you listed currently! Its good to hear that you are able to sleep without medication, I sleep on my dads pillow and I think that is the only way I could sleep at first but now I get anxiety if I dont have the pillow. You know, I know exactly how you feel. Kay made a great point in one of the topics that I have been following and its that we dont want to leave life, we want to leave the struggle and it is so true. I always tell my best friend that I dont want to die but I want to stop living lol its our little joke. I also think the fact that i could survive is why I wont jump either lol poor man though. I will keep my head up but only if you do Thats very true and I love the saying that you shared Kay, it makes me feel so much better. Feelings arent permanent because they really are always changing- WHEW! I actually got a copy of my dads finger prints from his work and I really want to get a pendant of his finger print! I touched the pictures and it made me feel like i was holding his hand. I honestly thought I had more time with my dad so I can relate. I see things that I know he would crack up and I miss his calling him and hearing him say “Hey Baby!” I know for a fact that it was the highlight of his day to hear from me and i loved that. It definitely is depressing and its making a lump form in my throat. Dang it! And Grumpy cat is so right. I definitely dont like those two things either!! Let me just say that I do enjoy that song lol I think I can relate to it too

Can I just say that you guys are sooo funny? You make me laugh and I know this isnt a joking matter but you guys are clever. Katrina, I definitely think you had a near death experience too! I think its great that you got to see your Poppa and Im glad you are still here with us too! Kudos to you having the strength to give away something of your mom because it would take the Jaws of Life to get something away from me lol And kay, I think the internet just sucks everywhere. My dad had the issue to and the only reason I have internet is because Im on a college campus and omg the internet is faster at my house with my mom. How sad is that? And to be honest, manuals work better for me too. How in the world am I supposed to get a manual online if I have no internet? Do I summon it or what? Technology has advanced so far but people are still stupid and dont think about things like that. I feel the same way as Carrie! We will move over for you, Cindy to join us! and Carrie you are so sweet! I hope I responded to everything, feel free to ask me direct questions if you want a specific opinion. I am attempting to watch TV and type and not study so i might have missed things...

sorry for such late responses! School is kicking my butt and I just want to go cry to mom, which I do. ANYWAY! Ct, I think its fantastic that you are defriending them because you do not need to grieve the loss of friendships AND the loss of your baby. They dont deserve it and I 100% agree when you say its not enough. Let’s be honest, we will all deal with death one way or another and its traumatizing no matter who it is so for them to ignore you and make excuses and say they didnt know what to do, the answer is be there. Death is scary but we are all touched by it no matter what so lets stop treating it like a disease. I think you should be able to talk about it, even if it makes people uncomfortable because you need to let it out! You need to let the guilt monster out so you can beat him up! If not, he’ll strangle you! Secondly, I think you should apologize to your son, i mean only if you feel the need, because it helps with the grief. My grief counselor taught me this and you also need to forgive him and you can also just bring up memories as well. Ill give you some examples of my dad. So one day, we went to the DMV and I needed to transfer my title from his name to my name so I could keep my car. well my dad couldnt understand/hear the lady and he didnt know what the right thing was to do and heck, i didnt know either! Im an ignorant 20 yr old! (21 now but whos counting?) and i thought my dad was dumb for that and I got really frustrated inside. He didnt look good, he was bony and pushing his O2 tank around. Anyway, passed his death, I went back to the DMV and realized the lady was a raging idiot who messed up my title 3 times and she is so stupid she should be fired before I reach through that hole and beat her. and you thought you were bitter! anyway, I felt SO GUILTY for that. I still do now. My dad always thought he was dumb because he couldnt read or write well as he only had about an 8th grade education. well he wasnt dumb, let me just tell you that, he was a smart little sh!t. excuse my language. so this is how I apologized “Dad, I apologize for thinking you were stupid when the woman at the DMV messed up the entire process. I do not think you are stupid at all.” And then heres an example of a normal memory and forgiveness. “dad, I forgive you for getting very angry with me and flying off the handle and making me cry.” “Dad, i just wanted to tell you that I think you are very clever and you always had an answer to everything and could always help me when in need, even if it meant driving 160 miles to me.” The whole point of those is to read them out loud in front of people but I think you can post them here and sometimes I ask God or my dad himself to witness them when I read them out loud. They really helped me and I still do them with “P.S” When it comes to avoiding things, I cannot go to my dads house alone. I mean I can but i avoid it. we are getting rid of it soon as we cant pay it and its empty but its so hard for me to go into. Im almost afraid Ill see him which isnt a bad thing. I want to see him so desperately. But i also want to remember the house the way it was when he was alive. Its so hard for me when I think about how empty the house was the day he died. Knowing he was never coming back and it looked like he just left to go to the store or was outside. it kills me but I still plan to go and sit outside of it and hang out because thats the only place I have seen my dad live and its his house. I was birthed there! Not literally but you know. I dont think you should try to find reasons why your son parted from here and just being out of my teens, I want to tell you that the pain can be overwhelming as a teen. We have adult emotions in these stupid little bodies and people can be mean. Its sad that he wasnt able to see that there are better days and you can make it out of the darkness but hes living the life right now but please do not blame yourself. Those teen feelings are awful but there was nothing a parent could say that could make some mean comment or sad feeling go away, it was just something you had to work through. It was not your fault and I am willing to bet if he could tell you anything, its to not blame yourself. From the sound of your relationship, I think you were what he needed. I am sorry I wrote you a novel and I hope my above statements do not hurt you in anyway as I did not mean them to, I am just trying to let you into a teenagers head. I am so happy you are hear and making so much progress! Dont be afraid to say what you need to say or feel or do! Take your time and Kay is right, dont rush the clothes thing. I went through my dads closet and it was hard. I kept half the closet but donated the stuff to help people and kept things that Id die for. I even have his bed sheet in my closet in my college apartment….it still smells like him so I do what I want. No one can tell me otherwise!

Gigi, wow your mother led an interesting life! And this is just an opinion, especially since my roommate is a communication major and we talk about these all the time but I feel that your mother may have had issues because she never felt like she was wanted. Of course that doesnt excuse or explain all of her behavior but I think that could be why she was jealous of you. I think deep down she really did miss you but she was a little strange I am so happy that the police could see what was happening! whew! and perhaps she needed her kids in her life to straighten her out! I am glad you got to lead a good life with your father though. You know, I wish I had learned more stuff from my dad but at least now I can treasure what I did learn. I play the trumpet and my dad loved it. I havent played since he died and I am kind of afraid to because I am worried that itll hurt. I want to pick it up again but Im not sure i am ready. Oh I am trying lol I am trying to take each day as it comes. I havent even started to live but i still feel like life is hard! I feel like I am drowning sometimes but eh!

Kay, I want to thank you for your kind words as well. I definitely dont think I am wise lol but I am glad you guys feel that way I think I needed those dark days to grow because I can definitely feel that I have become a better person now and I have really changed. I just wish I didnt need those dark days to grow like that.

Mitch, i am truly sorry for your loss and sometimes death really shows peoples true colors. Kay is right though, some people decide to ignore you because its contagious but to be honest, everyone will experience death. No one is immune. So they can run and hide but it will find them eventually. even knowing that I cant understand why they still avoid us. I have one friend that has stuck by me and I told her the day he died and she helped me. She didnt know what to say but she was there yet she was the only one. No one else was really there so I can understand how you feel. I wish there was an answer to this and why they do that. Secondly, for the teenager part, I am so sorry! How sad! I feel like that might bite her in the rear end but thats none of my business. As an old teenager, I am 21 so I know how they think, I am surprised she got so angry! I was in denial and sometimes I thought my dad was being dramatic, a thought I will regret until the day I die, but its because I was hurt. thats definitely not an excuse but maybe thats why. I cant believe she left though. I snapped out of it when I really took a step back and looked at my dad. hopefully she'll come around. Ct, I cannot believe they did that! The "yes ma'am" makes me want to reach through the screen and ring their neck! I think you should quit talking to them. they are clearly self centered and I feel that they dont even think about the pain youre going through. I cannot believe that. I can only imagine the hurt you are feeling but I too have seen some selfishness. I had a friend call me up, the day of my dads memorial, crying because her best friend was ignoring her. well thanks but you do realize that my DAD JUST DIED?! WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR DUMB FRIEND. but whatever. she has always been selfish but I never realized to what degree. agh!

Mitch, I can relate to how you feel as my dad died about 6 months ago. While he was not my husband and the type of love was different, I was his caregiver and I am still haunted by some of the things that I saw the morning he died. Honestly, at least for me as we are all different, it takes time. the first two months were the hardest for me and I think its fantastic that you go through therapy. Just talk. Its hard to talk about but you have to get it out, at least thats what I had to do. The way I see it is an infection and forgive me as i am going to school to work in a lab and we look at infections and diseases all day everyday but anyway, you have an infection. you need to clean it out before it heals. You need to open it up and clean it out, let it breathe, itll hurt like crazy but you will feel so much better and itll slowly begin to heal. I can definitely relate to the wanting to die. I didnt want to kill myself but Heck, I wouldnt complain if I died. Why not die? I would be able to see my dad again! It doesnt sound to shabby but what helped me if that I know my dad wouldnt want that. I have to keep going. I too felt like I was going through it alone as my parents were divorced and my brother just came back into my dads life so he couldnt get close to how I feel. All I can say is come and post here so we can help talk you through it. this site has definitely saved me in my darkest nights.

Carrie, Thank you for such kind words! I really appreciate them! Sometimes I think thats the best way to learn because that has really helped me grow as a person. Many of these people on this site have helped me through some of my darkest days and I want to return the favor! May God bless you as well you are such a kind person!

I am sorry for such my slow replies. Im back at school and I feel like they punished us for the break LOL i usually reply to these during lunch! I do read them when they come in though!

Gigi, I honestly never thought of that! I do remember her saying that it felt like someone died so maybe she mourned the most then. I dont remember that though. I think I will start doing that and I have told her about forgiving because she is rather unforgiving, maybe thats where I got it LOL. And thats a good point. And I am grateful that your dad could "make up" for what your mom lacked. I cant imagine what its like to feel that way and I am sorry I cannot comfort you more :/ And you are welcome! All of you are my saving grace and so I can at least return the favor! And thats true, its just she wont share much about the past around him and I understand why but Im curious so i have to get her alone! I definitely like my grief therapist and I am happy she was so kind but I definitely need a good therapist for all my life situations and Ive heard its hard to find a good one! Thats great that your friend has someone good though! I pray shes the one you have been looking for! That shows what a great man he is and had she always had issues or did it come on later in life? Hmm. I am glad she had a good side too so you can actually have memories of her rather than her just being mean. That also shows what type of person you are and you dont hold abandonment against her. My brother says he thinks my dad abandoned him and he wont let it go but to be honest i think it was the other way around. I wasnt alive though and I will never know the truth now. Dang it. Oh thats so sweet! And I think the "weirdness" or her issues and such did come from abandoment, or that had at least an affect. Your dad seems very strong as do you. But man, your mom sounds so interesting, its sad she couldnt share her skills with you. Are you into music? That is fantastic about the anger though. My dads anger didnt pass quickly and neither does my brothers and that definitely creates bigger problems. I do have a sense of humor it is rather strange though so watch out! I was always afraid of therapy but I think its fanatastic and I think it really would have helped my dad. That is so great that your dad got into it and that is so moving what you said about Jesus. I think Im going to write that down! I only saw my dad cry twice, maybe three times. Once during the divorce, when we found out he was terminal cause he didnt want to leave me and then right before he passed, again because I think he didnt want to leave me. I did worry about my dad going to Hell cause he was kind of mean but I never thought he was evil. And I think just going to Hell is every christians fear. I talked to someone at my church and he laughed when i told him I was worried about my dad and he said not to worry. he had a hard outer shell but a soft heart. Thank you! The first semester was very hard, I couldnt think but I knew I had to keep going. It was hard and grief therapy really helped me "get my mind back." and school is a struggle but itll make the future worthwhile, so i have to remind myself that. Thank you! I think I would have become a basket case without her. She was my powerhouse after he died. And God Bless you! May you recieve many blessings!

Anne, I definitely rested. I feel like all I did was nap LOL. And I think i will focus on today. I like the way you worded that. Thank you. The good days over shadow the bad. This summer I believe I will be taking urine analysis, phlebotomy and a molecular class. Im rather scared ;P and thank you! he is my motivation when all else fails. He made me go to school after we found out he was terminal, and I will definitely keep you guys posted

Ct, I definitely dont think the abadonment came from just your son leaving but definitely from your friends. When my dad died, I know it was from all the people not helping me and sticking in there for me. I would be furious with that friend and you know, since the death of my dad, I have a chip on my shoulder and I too learned to stand up for myself to Hell with those who dont care but its probably not the healthiest way to deal with it. I did a one on one grief counseling and I found it to really help. It was great because she just listened and once I was done gabbing she would help me find ways to let it out or comfort me. One thing we went through was forgiveness. Like Carrie says, it doesnt mean its right but forgiveness is an action. If you say you are forgiving them, the action and feeling will follow. Why dont you try making the list of those people like Kay suggested, say you forgive them (outloud) and only if you feel ready too of course and burn it. That has helped me with some of the pain. Then you say goodbye to them afterwards. Its more of a goodbye to a feelings rather than the person, unless you want to end the relationship. That has definitely helped me as my brother really angered me after my dad died. When I was hurting he would tell me I wasnt the only one who lost someone but he never shed a single tear or expressed sadness. We have a 20 yr age gap so you think he would know a thing or too on comforting people. he knew my dad was dying but never came up to see him.

ctwilki, I am so sorry to hear about your son and I can definitely relate to feeling alone and not wanting to ask for help from people because it is charity but it also seems fake. I think maybe you should just reach out and tell them how you feel and explain, you dont need them to counsel you because we all struggle with grief and all the unanswered questions but it would be nice for someone to BE THERE. To let you know that you arent alone. Kayc and LadyCarrie are so right. It is the fault of our culture and people just dont understand and want to understand so grief does help weed out the bad people in your life and find the real good ones. We are all here and this site has been my saving grace!

Kay, Thats great! My best friend is visiting from Japan in May and I get to see her so I can share your joy! I definitely have overisolated myself. I feel like since my dad died, I have a chip on my shoulder and Im done trying to be friends because Im not good at making quality friends apparently. "I want to crawl into myself" is probably the best line ever and I completely agree. Thats great though! Im trying to go out more for social reasons but its hard lol and thats true! I havent moved out yet so I can move but dont want to

Anne, Thats what I try to remember is that he was a good dad so he was a butt but it doesnt matter anymore. And thank you for helping me even if you cant relate which is probably best haha You know, I know my mom doesnt mean to hurt my feelings when she is talking and I cried when we were talking about it so she knows. She apologized and I explained how I felt. Thank you for the hugs and school is hard but its going. I mean I love my program but I am exhausted and I am actually on spring break now the semester ends in two months! But I have summer school

You know, after my dads passing, it made me realize how human my parents were because they were like super heroes to me. So that has definitely changed my perspective. I really wish there was a class like that because they needed it! My dad would call my mom all the names in the book after they divorced and my mom would tell me everything mean that he had done so I wish I had told them that they were oversharing. I dont know all the details in my parents divorce and I came to terms with that when my dad was really sick and I dont think I want to know everything. Im not ready for it and it really doesnt matter anymore. I just want to know the truth about everything! In grief therapy we have to do an apologizing and forgiving activity and I have done that with my dad. I have forgiven him for everything he had done and now I need to do that with my mom and she needs to do that with him as well. We all deal with things through anger and my dad was sensitive and I know my mom is too so perhaps thats why they are so angry all the time! Being an adult child is hard and it really sucks because you understand everything so its even harder! My mom and I are best friends, I mean she is my mom but we are very close but I definitely have things to work through with her so thatll take time LOL I mean I love her to death, Ill just be spending more time with her than my dad. And THANK GOD for my counselor! I would explode without her!