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sharirouse

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  1. sharirouse
    LOL i love the parking space thing! I ask my dad to help me find things if i really need them or if i cant do something. I think ill chit chat with him more and share my thoughts. i turn 21 this weekend and i know he will be laughing at me when i get tipsy lol and i think i need to talk to him like hes alive too! I feel like when i talk about memories, it brings him. and i ask him to comfort me when i lay in bed at night as that is when i get the most emotional and thats when i cry the most.
  2. sharirouse
    my dad passed last month and i had a lot of those questions too. i was very lucky to be called the night before he passed because he lived alone and i was terrified he would die alone and no one would find him, especially since he refused to call the ambulance. i hope I am not over stepping my boundary or offending you in anyway but i think you should pray about it. i was so terrified of my dad dying alone, especially since I am in college 3 hrs away, that i prayed for months. He never told me that he was scared to die alone but he didnt. He had cancer so we knew it was eventually coming but to be honest, i think when its their time to go, its time to go. I think that even if your mom had been there, and this is just an opinion so its highly possible that i am wrong, that it wouldnt have worked out anyway because it takes longer than 4-6 minutes for Paramedics to get there and get all of their supplies ready. I really feel that he didnt suffer and it was more of a surprise because when the brain is deprived of oxygen, nothing really communicates. Ive read a LOT about the dying process and it says that when they're dying, they feel no pain and so forth. I know i was there for my dads passing but he couldnt speak. he moved his eyebrows and that was it so i too have questions. talk to him and ask to let him know that he is okay and better now. i do that all the time and it really helps. I am so mad that my dad wont be here for my kids either. Im 20 and havent even found a person to have kids with but he will never get to hold them. but as time goes on and i really think about it and talk it out, even with myself (sounds weird i know) it helps. im passed the "what ifs" stage and it feels much better! but address it head on. it hurts so bad but its like cleaning a wound. it hurts now but it will feel so much better. feel free to talk to me any time you want to because i am struggling too and its easier to struggle with people
  3. sharirouse
    Im just having a personal issue with my brother right now because I feel like I am grieving alone. But l agree that I do just need to move passed it and honestly, I cant deal with other peoples issues right now and if he's having issues with my dad, those are his and his alone. Im actually relieved to hear that I am in the face of grief! I have been forcing myself to deal with it in different ways, its like having an infected wound and finally digging into it and cleaning that sucker out. sorry if that is gross but i am getting a medical degree LOL. I cleaned out his closet today and I had been dreading it and it helped. I really loved those articles and I went digging a little deeper and found some things that really struck a cord with me. I do need to "just be." Focus on myself and do what I need to do. I need to take care of myself and go through all the motions! I think I will be open about it if I need it and i have a punching bag at his house and i think i want to beat the crap out of it. Im going to write a letter to him and im going to write one about him just for me. I found a video on my phone and he was talking in the background and i think ill listen to it. it hurts but it helps. I finally got to see his ashes and i think that helped. I havent cried since I saw them and have been cleaning out his house but there was a quote on something I just read and tears come out in different areas and ways. i think i will try painting or something more creative than writing just for fun. i found that my dad had a beautiful film camera and i think im going to start messing with it!
  4. sharirouse
    I apologize for all of my recent posts, my mind just loves to race at night. I do cry over my dad and cry when I need to and all of that stuff internally but Im having issues letting myself do it publicly. Im afraid of making people feel awkward or placing my burden on them. and its getting to the point where I almost feel like I am doing the whole "woe is me" thing but holy crap Im sad! I still feel lost and empty. I know its only been a month and its going to be hard but what is wrong with me? My brother and I got into an argument after my dad passed, long story short he only started talking to my dad when he found out he had cancer and didnt even know I existed, but anyway, he almost tried to one up me and made me feel like my pain wasnt justified even though I was there for the passing. How do i get passed this? I have started telling myself aloud that my dad is gone. I needed to do that with his cancer but i never did so I am doing it now but how do I allow myself to be as sad as I need to be? I wanted to scream and shout and hit things when my dad passed but I never let myself because I almost felt like it wasnt acceptable. What is this?
  5. sharirouse
    I think I will write some letters to him and such because I blog and that helps with my general issues. Do you guys tell them about your day or have little convos? I ask him to go places with me and if something funny happens, Ill point things out to him or if Im on campus alone at night Ill ask that he walks with me.
  6. sharirouse
    Today is the one month mark since my dad has passed away and I feel like this has been the fastest yet the slowest month, if that makes sense. Im still feeling lost. Im pressed for time with school, which really helps but I remember that he wont be here for my 21st birthday on the 18th and that when I go home, I cant go to his house. Well, I can but he's not there. His ashes are there but its not him. I sometimes forget to talk to him daily and I feel guilty. People say that its possible and its a good idea to keep a relationship with them going but when I think about the fact that the only way I can talk to him is through my mind and I hate it. I miss him. I want him here and I still feel like I lost a body part. Ive come to realize its so much better that he's gone but I want my dad. I miss him so much and I feel bad. I keep wondering if he knew he was dying because one day he was fine and the next he was gone. I talk to him when I get upset and tell him to come with me places. I go to college in Albuquerque NM and the Balloon Fiesta is here this week and its beautiful. He loved hot air balloons and it hurt to realize he will never be able to see it again. At least on Earth. I can feel his love when Im desperate and hurting but I wish I could hear him talk back. His pillow and shirt that I have are starting to fade in scent and it upsets me. Do you guys talk to them? Does it help? I feel him in my heart but I want more lol. I tried to imagine the balloons taking off as me letting him go and be free but its still hard. Here are some of the balloons:
  7. sharirouse
    That was a great article and I think i need to start reminding myself that. It IS sad, I CAN cry for as long as I need to. I can weep whereever because its loss. I think since I am young and people are so selfish and such that I feel that I shouldnt be that way because I dont want to be a "burden" or insert reason here but they are different. They are! And I am glad too! I like that I can just sit there and cry and they let me do my thing. i know its hard to comfort people but that shouldnt be a reason for me to hold back these emotions. And thank you! it is challenging because I am so tired and just want to get lost in something rather than focus because its hard to! My dad is my driving force here and not finishing school wouldnt help at all. I can do it! I just wish I could focus more. I lost my mind for about two weeks and its coming back but that first week, I would get physically lost. Now i just cant concentrate. Maybe coffee with help lol
  8. sharirouse
    Its possible you had commented on their post but oops! I just dont allow myself to be as sad as I want or need to be because I tell myself "it could be worse." and actually no. the loss of anyone is horrible. and I am allowed to feel how ever I want. I cried on the couch the other day and my roommate just let me sob and it was very nice in a weird way
  9. sharirouse
    I forgot to post this initially but are all losses different? I was reading someone elses post, kayC i actually think it was one of yours, but they said that she felt like no one knew her pain. I know i am not the only one who has lost a parent but i do feel like no one understands my circumstances. I mean that could be due to the fact that i am so grief stricken but do they all differ?
  10. sharirouse
    to be honest, this was my first death to deal with. I have never dealt with death except for when of my dogs was hit by a car and my mom told me about it like 3 days after so it was done with by then. I am glad i can put a face to grief, as odd as that sounds. i just feel so strange because i cried more when a boy broke my heart than right now and it kills me. i think i am just floating around here and my thoughts just swirl in my head. if i didnt have a body i feel like i would just float away into oblivion. it makes sense that my focuses were in different areas but that fact is what is giving me so much trouble right now but seeing it written out before me makes me have a different view on it, in a weird way. i also feel like that is the hardest part of growing up is knowing that we age. our parents age. they get sick. grief is such a pain in the butt. especially accompanied by adulthood.sadly the nearest chapters are in neighboring states but im also looking for a grief counselor and i will keep posting here as i find it so beneficial. it makes me feel so much better and i love that i can post anytime because night is when grief hits me. late at night especially. i am so so so happy i found this site and i even recommended it to my friend who has been helping me. <3
  11. sharirouse
    i like that our body shields us but man, it sure feels like a rug was pulled out from under my feet and i have that sudden huff of shock when i fall on my butt! I am lucky enough to have faced it ahead of time and i am blessed that i got a warning! im so sorry you didnt get warning and im sure my dad was in denial for awhile but he accepted it long before and he was ready, he just hung in there for me. sometimes i wonder if it would have been better to not have a warning because the idea just looms over you every second of every day but without the warning, i dont think we would have had the emotional time to connect and such before. I was so far into denial that i thought he would make it passed the 6 mos mark but that could be more disbelief that anything. i am turning 21 in october and im not excited. im sad he wont be there because i was coming home for my birthday and the week before that i have 2 days off of school so i was wanting to spend time with him. i know its going to be hard not having him there but ill definitely keep him alive through stories and such. actually ive been in contact with his 2nd ex wife, my mom was number 4, and she is willing to tell me stories about him. i feel weird but she knew my dad when he was young so why not. he always told me that if i kept him in my heart that i would see him in Heaven and this was way before he was sick. he also used to tell me about how his dad would have loved me and he passed way before i was even thought of so i know about him and ill just do what he did. i guess its just hard because im a girl too and we always want to imagine our dad walking us down the aisle but i can have my mom do it. i think they know too because i can feel his love and i ask for it when im really upset. at least now he can be there for everything and hes in a place where nothing bad can touch him.
  12. sharirouse
    So I lost my dad on September 7th and I still cannot believe hes gone. I know its only been 3 weeks but I feel so lost. I cant wrap my mind around it. Im numb to things and I feel like I wander around aimlessly. Im back at college and working on assignments but no motivation. I just want to lay there and sleep or get lost in a movie. I feel like Ive aged 10 years in the past 3 weeks and I am so...lost. I feel like I lost a limb. My mom says I am in despair but I am so numb. He got diagnosed with cancer when I was 17. I never thought about it, pushed it to the back of my mind and adamantly thinking "ill think about it later." he was in the hospital for 2 wks after we found out and he got his tumor removed because he gave up for a bit. I just ignored it. Chemo made him sick and he was always cold and I ignored it. I remember talking to my mom and brother a few months ago and them saying they didnt think he would make it another ten years. I was so mad at them. he was fine! he had to walk me down the aisle and meet my kids. He would be there for that and for my college graduation. He had stage 4 cancer but it was just a number. I finally started crying when we found out he was terminal and two months later he had 6 mos to live. I woke my mom up at night cause i was scared. I drove to his house at night because I was sad. it finally came out and then a month later he died. Why did i deny it so long? i think its why I didnt spend all my time with him. I thought he would be there. I needed him to be there. He had to be there. He was my dad and he wasnt ever aging and he wasnt sick. He was fine. How do I get through this? I miss him and I am mad I never accepted it but I was scared. i remember thinking something at night "Ill deal with it when he dies." well here I am. it caught up with me and theres nowhere else to go.
  13. sharirouse
    KayC, I feel the exact same way and I am so glad you said, because it think that IS something we all need to remember. Just because we got annoyed at them, or they talked too much or whatever, we still loved them. And I am beating myself up for complaining about him talking too much. I know i am just 20 and young and such but I would love to hear him call me Shari Berrie again.
  14. sharirouse
    KayC, Im glad that you feel that its true and its so comforting to know that. I was reading the book that MartyT suggested and it really helped. I actually like the fact that they arent completely in this world. He was always with it when I talked with him but he slept a lot and we never bothered him when he slept because we knew he was comfortable. I am so happy I got to be there with him too and I hope I helped him like you said Maria. I definitely love him and sometimes I wish I could have loved him just a little bit more. He used to tell everyone he knew about me
  15. sharirouse
    I feel so blessed that I was given a man who loved me so much. Of course parents love their children but feeling his love the night he passed is what helped me sleep. I, too, believe it took all his strength to do that because he only did it twice but as I said above, I really feel that he was in and out of his body. I never really thought about the fact that as our bodies shut down, we dont feel the same pain. Thank you for showing me that. Its comforting to hear that and to think that they gave him enough morphine to take the pain away. I do truly feel blessed that he waited for me and that I was given the months before to be with him and show him how much I love him. I will definitely look into those books since two of you have vouched for them. I think they will give me comfort and help me move on from this little painful spot.
  16. sharirouse
    I definitely agree because my poor dad. he went through it with no complaint. He would say he was sick and stuff but that little jerk(not being mean but he was ornery lol) never told me that his urine was coffee colored or that he was THAT sick and I was almost blind to the level of sickness he was at. I keep being told that we have no right, and they are saying this as gentle as possible, to ask them to stay longer in that sick body. I miss him but I do not want him back in that body. So giving him permission to pass but very hard but that helped me. He also told me that he would welcome death and that really opened my eyes. I cannot believe you found a tooth! Omg! My poor dad had 6 teeth, he was going to get dentures and such but then he got cancer and it was pushed to the back burner. He never really used to take his pain pills until his last day and he never ever complained so I do agree when you say, they just "be." What part were you saying was true? The fact they never tell us or the Christ part? And yes, reminding myself and being reminded that he is all better now and in a place where he never has to feel pain again really helps.
  17. sharirouse
    Marty, Thank you! I love this blog and if I didnt have reading to do for school (ugh! but its for my dad!) I would read it all night. Ive spent the last few evenings on this site and it truly helps me but not my grades (lol). When I get a chance, Im going to purchase a book. And so far, I really agree with her. I feel that my dad wasnt in his body anymore when I saw him in his last hour or so. My aunt roused him and he squeezed my hand and moved his eyebrows when we spoke but I think he was in and out. The nurse, bless her sweet sweet heart, kept reminding me that his body is broken but that his spirit is alive and well and I truly feel that I felt him in the room. I cant thank you enough for the links and I will read them when I get the time
  18. sharirouse
    I lost my dad almost 3 weeks ago so I know what you mean when you say you feel lonely, Im only 20 but my dad was the guy I called during my breaks throughout the day and I would wake up to morning texts from him. I feel like Ive lost a limb but I am so glad that you feel him around you. Do you talk to him throughout the day? I do with my dad all the time and cry to him when I get really upset and ask to feel his love and it helps a lot. You have to remember that he still loves you and someone I talked to told me that I should try to maintain my relationship with him because it helps so maybe that will help. Also, I understand its a weird suggestion but why dont you get a dog? When my dad was newly sick, we had to put down our old dog and we ended up getting him a puppy. She was kind of like a therapy dog but she gave him lots of company. Whenever I am upset and even when he was alive, I'd hang with her and she really helped me. Im very sorry for your loss and I know what you mean about the friends. I know I get annoying with my sobbing and such but this group has given me an outlet I hope was at least some help!
  19. sharirouse
    So this is my second post here, and you guys are great. it really helps and makes me cry but I need that, as Ive been having a hard time crying. Ive been wanting to but they wouldnt leave my eyes. Anyway, I lost my dad almost 3 wks ago and I cannot let go of the face he made right before he passed. Its faded and doesnt sting as much but it still breaks my heart. I held my dads hand all the way until he passed and I know he knew I was there because he squeezed my hand, he was just so drugged on morphine that he couldnt keep his eyes open. I hadnt ever seen my dad cry about him having cancer, the entire 3.5 years but once he found out he had 6 mos, he cried. And all he said was that he was sad to leave me and didnt want to. He finally told me a week before he passed, how miserable he had been. I never realized how hard it must have been on him and he never ever told me how sick he felt and it breaks my heart. I know he did that for me and he didnt want me to worry. I would go to his house crying and he would comfort me and tell me that it would be okay and that i really shouldnt worry. I finally told him that if he needed to go, he could because he had been through enough and he looked miserable. And a week later, he did. I had to drive from my college town to my hometown the night before and I told my mom to make the hospital do everything they could so he wouldnt go before I got there. She told him to hang on and he did. He was awake and the first thing he said when he saw me was that he loved me. fast forward to his last hour. He had been intubated and i elected to have it removed because he was fighting it. Like I said, I know he knew i was there because i was holding his hand and he squeezed it reassuringly. seconds before his last breath, his face crunched up in pain, into what i think was a crying face. it wasnt his normal "in pain" face but it was anguish. It broke my heart and I really want to know what it was. I want to know that he wasnt in physical pain when he died. I feel that he was sad he was leaving me but he needed to. my bishop explained it like this "you know when you are lost and scared and you see your parent and they 'save' you? and you crying because you are relieved? i think he did that because he saw Christ." that really helped me but its forever burned into my mind and i just want to know that he wasnt in agony before he died
  20. sharirouse
    Im sorry this is such a late reply but I hope I can help a bit. I definitely know how you feel. My dad was in the hospital and I honestly didnt know he was going to die the next day, I was just under the impression he had an anxiety attack. he couldnt breathe and was afraid to go to sleep so they gave him some morphine and he finally went to sleep (I was asleep for that whole party) and that was about 4 am. We left at 5 because the ICU closed at 6-9 and then we were called back at 7 because he was intubated. He told me multiple times he loved me while he was awake and I told him i loved him too but I hate that I never got to hear him speak again. I dont know if he even saw me after that. I regret not waking him up but he was finally comfortable. Fast forward to him passing and oh my gosh. I feel like i lost a limb. I couldnt stand being in his house after that and I do feel so alone but hey, she is still with you and if you ask enough, you can dream about her . And man, cry as much as you can! It feels so much better. Dont hold it in, let it flow! Someone told me that the pain is like a brand, and it burns it into your heart so you will never forget her. ever. it just hurts so much because you have so much love and thats good
  21. sharirouse
    This is a really comforting post because its so true. My dad had told me he was ready to go a week before he passed and I told him that if he needed to, he could. I know he hung on for me, and he even waited for me to get to the hospital but he is finally free of that God awful body! He is up there having fun while I have to stay here and deal with all these mean people and illnesses lol He finally gets to see his parents again and now he gets to be with me everywhere I go, something he couldnt have done. And to be honest, I resented my dad for awhile and I know thats why Im so guilty. I dont even remember the initial reason but it was just because I was hurt. But once he was deemed terminal and then given 6 mos to live, I was able to apologize and really see my dad for who he was and that was the great things of all. He used to be very controlling and got a little too angry sometimes but he was a kind heart. Sometimes he made me feel really upset but I know he loved me and thats all that I care about. Thanks for this post :')
  22. sharirouse
    Like everyone has been saying, it is a sickness and there is only so much that we can do. My dad died from cancer but his liver failed and he still smoked and drank a LOT of alka seltzer which has pain meds that damage the liver. It would break my heart because he was only making it harder on himself but It was their decision. before my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he NEVER went to the doctor, it got so bad that he had gangrene in his appendices. I truly feel that if he had gone before, we could have treated the cancer and gotten a bit more time. But to be honest, I think its good that you didnt have a chance to yell her because it would have hurt even more if she passed and you had been angry with her, i made it a point to never get angry with my dad because I knew i would regret it. I remember saying he annoyed me a month or so before he passed because he talked so much but I would given anything to hear his voice again. And girl, I know how you feel about all the stuff they leave. My parents were divorced so my dad had an entire house and thousands of dollars of debt but I feel that going through the house helps with the healing. She would of had stuff whether she was sick or not, sadly lol As hard as it may be, i try so hard not to remember him when he was sick because that was not my dad. He was so frail and it was so sad. Maybe that will help you because it helps me. I made hospice get all of his stuff immediately. And I know its so hard to know that we can never call him again but I talk to my dad all the time and I even dreamt about him the other day. it gave me a little light at the end of this horrible tunnel.
  23. sharirouse
    Im so glad I can get this off my chest and you guys really understand how I feel. Ive talked to people who have lost their parent years ago but since its so fresh, they cant relate completely. I read that article and I have to agree when it says confessing how I felt helps, especially since you all arent judging me because you are going through it too. Im starting to feel better about it but of course, I will always regret not calling him more, or not spending more time with him but at least now, I can see how important time with my mom is. Its just sad that my dad had to be the one to teach me that. I had talked to someone at church and he reminded me that we cannot move in with all of our old/ill family members and cling to them, it just doesnt work that way and to be honest, I dont think my dad was around my grandparents when they died so I need to realize that it happens. I just feel awful. Not only that but I need to remind myself that even if I had been stuck to his side, I couldntve of changed the outcome. He was sick and there was nothing any of us could do. I really appreciate you guys replying and KayC, i know for a fact he wanted to spare me, but what about him? And I know its not a question any of us can answer School offers a little bit of relief but I did lose my mind there for a bit. Since I am in the medical degree classes, I feel like all my teachers like to talk about Livers and chemo and cancer. I sometimes think they planned it lol...
  24. sharirouse
    Thank you to both of you, I really appreciate it. I never thought of what was in my heart and I have apologized to my dad in my head but if he can see what is in my heart then I know for a fact he will understand. And oh my gosh, writing a letter to him sounds like an amazing idea! This way, I can again apologize and let it go once its written down. I am so glad I came here and I thank you guys. I will definitely be sticking around.
  25. sharirouse
    Hi guys, Im new here so bare with me please as I learn my way around this site. But anywho, my dad passed away two weeks ago and Ive been through all the emotions and guilt is overpowering everything. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I failed my dad. My dad had stage 4 colon cancer but died from septic shock due to his liver failing. I never realized how sick he was and he never told me. Since we found out in stages how bad he was doing, I was able to apologize and really tell my dad how much I loved him and I have apologized but in a general sense and he told me there was nothing to be sorry about but as the days go on, I feel like I wasnt there enough. Im 20 and in my third year of college so yes, I couldnt always be there and he understood that because he was so proud that I was in school but that doesnt justify it for me. My parents divorced when I was 9 but separated since i was 7 and all i can see in my mind is my dad sitting at home alone. My parents became friends and she helped take care of him but sometimes she would think he was annoying so if we saw him at the store she would wait till he walked by because she didnt want to talk. Well, that breaks my heart looking back at it. I didnt mind talking to my dad but I understand why she didnt want to but i cannot get it out of my mind. He deserved so much more! How dare I?! And lastly, I have an older brother who is 47 (my dad was 70) and he recently came back into my dads life and for time purposes, no one trusted him. No one, my father included. Well we got into an argument a few days after my dad passed and I feel like my dad was given piece of sh!t kids and I feel so bad. I feel like I should have loved him more and when I say that, i dont mean I didnt love him because I do so much but he deserved more. I apologize for the novel but I cant escape my mind.
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